Naruto The Sensuous Dirty Old Ninja

*The Sound Four come a calling and kick the crap out of Sasuke*

Sasuke: Urgh!

Takuya: Ha! Trying to use your Cursed Seal against us? We've all got one two-An evolved one, ya stupid shit head.

Sakon: You'll never advance from where you are-

Ukon: Unless you come with us.

Jirobo: There's just one catch. The more you use the Cursed Seal, the more power Orochimaru gains over you.

Kidomaru: You become his slave. *Scowls*

Sasuke: ... All right, I have one question.

Kidomaru: All right. Shoot.

Sasuke: ... Does Sound Village have a lot of MILFs?

Takuya: ... What the fuck?!

Sasuke: You know? Mothers I'd Like to Fuck? Hot older women with a maternal air?

Kidoumaru: ... You're basing your entire fucking decision on whether or not our village has hot older women?!

Sasuke: Not entirely. I might be able to live if you have a high population of babes in general.

Kidoumaru: Ah, well...

Sakon: Nnnnot really.

Ukon: Not at all.

Takuya: I'm right here, you jackasses.

Kidoumaru: Your point would be...?

Takuya: ... FUCK YOU ALL!

Sasuke: Well then, tell Orochimaru this when you see him...

*Later, at Sound Village...*

Orochimaru: ... He told you to tell me if I got as many beautiful women as Leaf Village has, he might consider it?!

Sakon: Er, his words exactly boss.

Ukon: Please don't kill us!

Takuya: That prick! That fucking assminer, he doesn't know hotness when he sees it right in front of him!

Orochimaru: Well... That's just great. KABUTO! Get in here!

Kabuto: Yes my Lord?

Orochimaru: Find me some attractive women, stat! As many as are in Leaf!

Kabuto: *adjusts his glasses* I might be able to get you one for now.

Orochimaru: ... How good are your math skills, Kabuto?

Kabuto: Well, I'm working from a kind of exponential growth curv-

Orochimaru: Oh shut up and get me some damn PUSSY!

*Somewhere, Jiraiya grins, and looks over at Tsunade*

Jiraiya: I think I just won our bet.

Tsunade: The way my luck runs, it wouldn't be a surprise...

*At the diner, Naruto and Sasuke are looking over their menus while Sakura stews*

Naruto: A Grand... Slam? I don't know what that is but it sounds awesome!

Sasuke: It is awesome. I'll have a Grand Slam as well.

Waitress: All right, and for you miss?

Sakura: *grumbles* Whatever.

Naruto: Another Grand Slam. Triple play!

Waitress: Very well sir. *She heads off*

Sakura: ... All right. Naruto came back barely alive after the fight at the Valley of the End. *She slammed her palms down on the table* What exactly happened?

Naruto: We had a bit of a disagreement.

Sasuke: More of a tiff really.

*FLASHBACK*

Naruto: Sasuke, what makes you think gaining power from Orochimaru will get you more babes?

Sasuke: Well, if I kill Itachi then I'll have his fanbase. *grumbles* Which persists to this day...

Naruto: Well you can't fault them for liking the bad boy.

Sasuke: HE WEARS NAIL POLISH!

Naruto: So? Doesn't detract from how badass he is. Seriously man, if I were in my Sexy form around him I think I would be soaking wet.

Sasuke: First off, ew. Second... Ew. Third... Ew.

Naruto: Any more?

Sasuke: ... One more. Ew. There, done.

Naruto: Good.

Sasuke: Point is, I have to avenge my family, avenge my honor, and get pussy. Orochimaru can give me all three.

Naruto: ... Uh, Sasuke-

Sasuke: Yeah yeah, I know, I realized it the moment I said it.

Naruto: Anyway, why would you go to Sound? It can't have that many hot girls there. Orochimaru would probably feel jealous, and Kabuto would definitely feel jealous.

Sasuke: Well, you're being trained by a Sannin, it's only fair I get the same training.

Naruto: So why not with Tsunade?

Sasuke: Her skillset's all wrong.

Naruto: So swallowing swords is right for you?

Sasuke: THAT'S IT!

*Much fighting ensues*

Naruto: ARGH! Ow ow ow... Wait, wait, hang on a second.

Sasuke: Huff... Huff... Fine, what?

Naruto: Look... Huff... Maybe if you just got like... That super Sharingan or whatever-

Sasuke: Mangekyo Sharingan.

Naruto: Right, that, you could match Itachi, avenge your clan and honor, and get babes.

Sasuke: Well... There's a slight problem with that.

Naruto: Oh come on! Can't be that bad!

Sasuke: I have to... Do the same thing he did.

Naruto: So?! Look Sasuke, it can't be worse than getting "sword fighting" lessons from Orochimaru.

Sasuke: But it-

Naruto: So whatever it is, do it!

Sasuke: But it's-

Naruto: DO IT!

Sasuke: You're not-!

Naruto: DO IT FAGGOT!

Sasuke: FINE! I WILL!

*CHIDORI THROUGH THE CHEST!*

Sasuke: Oh no... Oh nooo... Oh God damnit, what did I... Hey wait, what the hell is that...?

*KYUUBI CHAKRA HEALING!*

Naruto: Huff... Huff... Huff... WHAT. THE. FUCK!

Sasuke: Ahhh... Naruto?

Naruto: YOU STABBED ME THROUGH THE CHEST!

Sasuke: Uhhh... But... You were...

Naruto: LET'S SEE HOW YOU LIKE IT YOU BASTARD!

Sasuke: Aw shit-

*MORE VIOLENCE!*

*Sasuke ascends to the second level of his Cursed Seal Form*

Sasuke: So... This is power...

Naruto: ... OKAY, WHAT THE HELL?

Sasuke: What? WHAT?!

Naruto: YOU LOOK LIKE A GAY POST-MODERN VAMPIRE!

Sasuke: I DO NOT! And at least I don't look like a demon possessed bunny rabbit with an overbite!

Naruto: YOU DID NOT JUST GO THERE!

Sasuke: I so did!

Naruto: THAT'S IT! RASENGAAAAANNNN!

Sasuke: CHIDORIIIIIII!

*SYMBOLISSSSMMMMM!!!*

Naruto: Huff... Huff... Huff...

Sasuke: Huff... Huff... Huff...

Naruto: Oh... Dude... Get off me...

Sasuke: I'm trying but I'm so sore...

Naruto: ...

Sasuke: ...

*Sasuke jumps away and falls flat on his face*

Sasuke: Notgaynotgaynotgaynotgay!

Naruto: Pfft... Just keep telling yourself that...

Sasuke: That's it! Just for that, I AM going to Orochimaru and I will become a babe magnet!

Naruto: Fine! Three years from now we'll meet up and see who's the better pervert!

Sasuke: Fine! And just to make sure nobody cheats, I'll expect mail from you regularly!

Naruto: Fine! But you'd better include photos!

Sasuke: Fine! Same to you!

Naruto: Fine!

Sasuke: Fine!

Naruto: FINE!

Sasuke: FINE!

Naruto: FI-Ow... God, how can a hole in your chest still hurt when it's gone?!

Sasuke: I wouldn't know. How does it feel to get kneed in the balls at mach speed? That wasn't cool!

Naruto: Eh, you'll still be able to father kids you duck headed wet blanket.

Sasuke: I'd better you ramen loving airhead.

Naruto: *sighs* ... Well... See ya.

Sasuke: Yeah... Take care.

*Sasuke heads off. Naruto sighs*

Naruto: ... I'd better come up with a manlier version of the fight to tell people... Maybe add in some dramatic music, yeah...

*END FLASHBACK*

Naruto: ... Which is what I would have said if our battle had not been super epic with lightsabers and robots and shit.

Sasuke: *rolls his eyes*

Sakura: ... God I hate you both so much.

Sasuke: Point is, I have to avenge my family, avenge my honor, and get pussy. Orochimaru can give me all three.

Naruto: ... Uh, Sasuke-

my god i died

AHHHH! ZOMBIE!

In all fairness, though, Orochimaru WAS still in the female body at this point. And she was kinda cute IIRC.

Yes, but she wasn't really MILFy.

True, the face kind of made me think of an older Hotaru for Sailor Moon.





Excuse me, I need to get my drool under control. :cumdrool:

What about Tsunami in Wave? * Runs and hides*

Sakura: So what, no meet ups between you over the years? No secret rendezvous?

Sasuke: We're not gay, Sakura.

Naruto: If you want to make your fantasies come true, learn Kage Bunshin.

Sakura: THEY'RE NOT MY-YOU-ARGH!

Naruto: Though you know, we did meet up once in Wave Country. Remember Sasuke?

Sasuke: Yes, yes I do.

Naruto: We almost didn't escape with our lives.

Sasuke: Might have been worth it... If I didn't have Itachi to worry about.

Sakura: Wave Country? I know Naruto went on some mission down there but what happened?

Sasuke: Orochimaru was going to dig up Haku and Zabuza's corpses for some mad ninja science. Naruto stopped his clueless henchmen. I was along just to get experience running a mission.

Naruto: Yeah, you weren't very good at that.

Sasuke: It's kind of hard when all of your ninjas are fucking incompetents.

Naruto: Okay, point, just saying... Anyway! While there we decided that fighting each other would be unproductive, so we chose a more unorthodox means of determining who won.

Sakura: Uh huh... And that was?

*FLASHBACK*

Naruto: Haa... Haa... Haa... How was that, Tsunami-san?

Tsunami: Ohhh... Ohh God Naruto~<3... I-It's hard to tell~... I'm about to pass out... Haaa... Like I did with Sasuke-kun~... Maybe you two should do me together~...

Sasuke: Geez... Is every woman around here a pervert?

Naruto: Come on Sasuke, it's the least we can do for her right?

Tsunami: Please Sasuke~? I'll do that thing with my tongue you really like~...

Sasuke: Oh... All right, fine. Just once.

*Many sweaty but fun minutes... Hours... Jesus Christ, she's not human! I mean I know Sasuke and Naruto are superhuman but by the shorn fetlocks of Princess Celestia and the power of Greyskull! How the hell can she keep GOING?!*

Naruto: Haa... Haa... Haaa... J-Jeez...

Sasuke: Huff... Huff... Huff... I know...

Tsunami: Ooooohhhhh~... I am the happiest woman alive~...

Naruto: So... Haa... Oh man, I feel light headed...

Sasuke: Can't move... Too tired...

Naruto: So... Haa... Who won?

Tsunami: ... I um... *giggles* I lost count... Or something... Hee...

Naruto and Sasuke: *groan*

Tsunami: You could try again~...

Sasuke: Nah, I've got to get back. Orochimaru will want a count of how many mooks he lost on this one.

Naruto: Who does he recruit from anyway?

Sasuke: The ninjas nobody else wants, apparently.

Naruto: It really shows.

Tsunami: But... But boys! Don't you want to figure out who won?

Sasuke: Ugh... I'm calling it a tie.

Naruto: Yeah, I'm good with that.

Tsunami: *lips wibbles* But boyyyys...

Naruto: We really need to get back... I mean, Tenten-chan will be unhappy...

Sasuke: Woah. Wait. Tenten-chan is here?

Naruto: Yeah.

Sasuke: Does she talk about me?

Naruto: Often with the words "that bastard".

Sasuke: Oh.

Naruto: Yeah man. You really need to make it up to her.

Tsunami: Yes, that girl does not look like the type to be easily scorned... But she also looks the type to pine after an ex for a while.

Sasuke: Well, um... She was kind of... We were...

Naruto: They had hot kinky bondage sex a lot.

Sasuke: NARUTO!

Naruto: Yeah, Sasuke challenged Tenten to "erotic arts training fights" and he lost time and time again... I don't think he minded.

Sasuke: *weakly* It was training!

Naruto: Surrrre it was.

Tsunami: Really Sasuke-kun, you should try to make up with her.

Naruto: Not like he'll mind if she beats him up.

Sasuke: Just to prove you both wrong, I will go talk to her and no kinky bondage sex will ensue.

Naruto: Just remember the safety word~.

Tsunami: *giggles*

Sasuke: *huffs and stalks off*

Tsunami: While he's away~...

Naruto: Ah, Tsunami-chan, hang on a second-

Tsunami: *POUNCE*

Naruto: Oh Ninja Jesus!

*END FLASHBACK*

Sakura: ... *TWITCH*

Naruto: Oh boy... She's got the twitch.

Sasuke: I remember the twitch. It's damn scary...

Naruto: And sexy.

Sasuke: Yes, very sexy.

Sakura: You... I... I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT TO SAY TO YOU TWO!

Waitress: Here are your Grand Slams!

Naruto: Hey, thanks! Uh Sakura-chan, could you wait to kill us until after we've had food first? At least?

Sakura: ... Fine. I'll need the strength.

Sasuke: Thank you... Mind passing the salt?

Sakura: *VIOLENCE!*

Naruto: MY GRAND SLAM! NOOOOO!

Sakura: *VIOLENCE!*

Naruto: MY GRAND SLAM! NOOOOO!

I rectify my previous statement: poor Sasuke and Naruto, they are going to DIE either to satisfy Sakura's sexual needs or because they don't and she provides to discharge her sexual frustration on them.

Sakura must not be a big fan of salt.

*After Sakura's outburst, our heroes were thrown out of the diner. They walked down to the nearby river to sit and continue their talk.*

Sasuke: Honestly Sakura, was that really called for?

Sakura: It's just... You're just... Ooooh!

Naruto: Poor Sakura-chan hasn't been having a lot of sex... Lately.

Sasuke: "Lately?"

Sakura: NARUTO! Shut up! Not one word I will deny everything it NEVER HAPPENED!

Naruto: *grin* All right... Then this is all purely hypothetical.

Sakura: I swear to God Naruto if you say one word-!

Sasuke: But Sakura. I'm very interested in hearing this.

Sakura: And I can murder you both in your sleep if you DARE to-!

Naruto: *Pressure Point Chakra Attack!*

Sakura: Oh... Oh... OHHHH! OHHHH! OHHHH G-GOOOOOD! *Passes out*

Naruto: Phew... Thank you Hinata-chan.

Sasuke: You know she'll just want to murder you all the more when she wakes up.

Naruto: *sigh* Yes. Yes I know.

Sasuke: ... So are you going to tell me or what?

Naruto: Well! If you insist!

*Flashback!*

Naruto: *Narrating* Sakura poured almost all of her frustration and anger and sadness into becoming as strong a kunoichi as she possibly could, and so with Baa-chan's instruction she went to go train against other strong ninjas in a wide variety of disciplines. Unfortunately... She was a little too frustrated.

Sakura: Haa... Haa... Haaa... COME ON! BRING IT ON, I CAN TAKE ANYTHING YOU CAN DISH OUT! COME ON!

Lee: Ah... S-Sakura-san, we have been fighting for over an hour and-

Sakura: FIGHT ME GODDAMNIT!

Neji: Haruno-san-

Sakura: WHAT?!

Neji: *Winces* His... Arms and legs are broken.

Sakura: ... Oh...

Lee: N-No worries Sakura-san! I can resume training with the power of my youth... I'm sure my arms and legs can afford being bent that way!

Sakura: *groan*

Naruto: And things got worse...

Sakura: WHAT DO YOU FUCKING WANT?!

Waitress: Y-Your check, miss?

Sakura: Oh... Um... Thanks...

Naruto: Until finally, she reached a breaking point.

*The hospital, where, appropriate for this scenario Sakura is dressed as a nurse. It's due to her training and is not at all merely indulging in one of the fetishes of the author... Honest.*

Kiba: Look! All I'm asking is for you to fix my BROKEN HANDS. Is that so much to ask?!

Sakura: You will WAIT your damn turn like EVERYONE ELSE! There's a form to fill out and you haven't filled it out! So until then, DEAL!

Kiba: *In her face* I FILLED IT OUT AND I'VE BEEN WAITING FOR DAYS IN THIS STUPID HOSPITAL FOR SOMETHING THAT WILL TAKE TWO SECONDS!

Sakura: *In his face* AND YOU'RE GOING TO WAIT UNTIL THE SUN EXPLODES IF I WANT YOU TO!

Kiba: OH YEAH?!

Sakura: YEAH!

*Sakura then jumps Kiba and slams him back into his hospital bed, kissing him deeply*

Kiba: Mmph?!

Sakura: Mmmm~!

*Sadly, I cannot show you what actually happened, I... Good Lord, she's taking it like that? You think you know some girls. And... Woah, blood? Yes, that's blood and... No, no, I think she liked that too... Oh man, if you could see this you'd probably pass out from blood loss. It's a risk I'm just going to have to take you see, too much for you guys...*

Sakura: Haa... Haa... Ahhhnn~... Kiba-kun~...

Kiba: Ohhh... Ow... Hands are still broken...

Sakura: Can't have that, can we?

Naruto: *Narrating* Of course, poor Sakura felt very guilty about boinking the hell out of Kiba while angry, so she went over to apologize... But...

Tsume: So... You're the girl who banged Kiba?

Sakura: Ah... Yes ma'am.

Tsume: Good!

Sakura: Ha?

Tsume: Sakura, we Inuzuka are family, which means we take care of eachother's needs... No matter what they happen to be. Hana and myself have not had the chance to visit and take care of those needs for Kiba, so it's very nice you did.

Sakura: ... You... You... You're a pack of perverts!

Tsume: And what's wrong with that?

Sakura: But... You...!

Tsume: Besides~... We're happy to return the favor. Inuzuka do always pay their debts, don't they kids?

Kiba: *grin* Yes Mom.

Hana: *smirk* Of course, Mother.

Sakura: Oh... Oh dear...

Naruto: *Narrating* So yeah, Sakura tried to return to the straight and narrow and prudish... But stuff just kept trying to get her off... Not that she is in any way innocent.

Ino: Sakura, in flower arrangement, you don't try to make it so the customer kills themselves from it's hideousness.

Sakura: You take that back, Ino!

Ino: Oh yeah? What are you going to go to make me?

Sakura: *Snap!*

Ino: ... Sakura, what are you doing with those band-MMPH!

*Some time later... Jesus Christ is she kinky...*

Ino: Mmph! Mmmph! Mmmmm~...

Sakura: Haa... Haa... Now, what do we say?

Ino: *nuzzle* Mmm... I will not mock mistress's flower arrangements.

Sakura: Good...

Ino: So, can we do this with Naruto next time Mistress?

Sakura: ... *Snap!* N-No! NO! No no no no no! *She runs off*

Ino: ... Aw... *sighs* I don't suppose there's anyone around who can untie me? Not that I mind too much, you know, but I do have an itch on my nose...

Naruto: *Narrating* And so Sakura-chan kept trying to deny herself... Over and over again... And failing most of the time.

Sasuke: ... Geez. I'm starting to regret leaving entirely. Sakura is the fun kind of crazy sex beast. Karin is...

Naruto: ... Not?

Sasuke: Well, aside from the blackouts... She hasn't done anything. Just lots of stalking and staring. Like Hinata before you loosened her up... Only a redhead. So she's like a rusty screw, heheh...

Naruto: ... Uh, Sasuke?

Sasuke: ... I was trying to be funny. Did I succeed?

Naruto: If you have to ask that, no.

Sasuke: Oh.

Naruto: So this Karin girl's kind of like Hinata?

Sasuke: Yes, a bit.

Naruto: Hmmm... Maybe I could do something about it?

Sasuke: *sighs* If you really want to, go right for it. I'm going to head off and visit Tsunami again.

Naruto: What about Sakura-chan?

Sasuke: I'll bring her along. Considering how she's been snapping, when she wakes up she just might snap. *Little smirk* Let's say... I'm interested.

Naruto: Okay Sasuke. Just be careful all right? She can get pretty damn freaky.

Sasuke: If she is, Tsunami will even her out... Or tire her out, either way I'll be happy to watch.

*At the HALL OF EVIL NINJA EXPERIMENTS...!*

Naruto: Hello? Karin?

*The redheaded meganekko came forth and blushed when she got a good look at Naruto*

Karin: Oh... Hello.

Naruto: Hey! I'm Naruto, Sasuke's friend.

Karin: Oh yes, Sasuke-kin has spoken often of you.

Naruto: So! I was wondering if you'd like to go on a date.

Karin: A... A d-date?

Naruto: Yeah! I mean, this place can run itself for a while, right?

Karin: Well, um... I suppose it can... *She blushes shyly* What would Orochimaru-sama say?

Naruto: Eh, he's busy with Sasuke somewhere else.

*In the wilderness...*

Orochimaru: LOST HIM?! WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU LOST HIM?!

Kabuto: Well considering you trained him yourself, Orochimaru-sama, it is not impossible he could have learned a few of your tricks.

Orochimaru: This is insane! Didn't I get him hookers and take him to strip joints and give him great power?!

Kabuto: Yes my lord, but we should face facts: Leaf Kunoichi are generally hotter and freakier.

Orochimaru: *whiny* I can be freaky!

Kabuto: ... Er... Wrong kind of freaky, Orochimaru-sama... Besides, you no longer have a female body remember?

Orochimaru: True... To be honest I kind of miss it.

Kabuto: Orochimaru-sama?

Orochimaru: Well if some older woman hugs sweet little children to her breasts, no one is going to object! But if a man does, even if it's perfectly innocent, everyone goes "Pedophile! Evil!" Plus, having boobs is kind of fun.

Kabuto: ... Orochimaru-sama, are you going to continue in this vein for a while yet?

Orochimaru: Yes.

Kabuto: Very well, continue. *After he disables his hearing with a medical jutsu*

Orochimaru: I mean really! Boobs! They're so much fun to jiggle and squeeze and squish and...

*Back in Rice Country, Naruto takes Karin out to dinner at a nice restaurant, off to see a movie, and some ninja training after. Much fun is had and by the end of the evening Karin is holding Naruto's hand*

Karin: Well... Um... I had a really great time.

Naruto: *grins* Me too. *He leaned forward to kiss her, which she returned. Naruto moved his hands up to her hips and pulled her close as the kiss deepened... However...*

Karin: Mmph... Oh! *She broke the kiss* Ah... That's a bit too far for me.

Naruto: Huh? Why?

Karin: Well um... You're a bit forward, aren't you?

Naruto: I am?

Karin: Well, such a kiss on the first date is... It seems a bit much, don't you think?

Naruto: Er... Well... Not really?

Karin: Well... Maybe not...

Naruto: So, can I come up to your room?

Karin: Why?

Naruto: So... We can kiss more?

Karin: Well... I suppose... But just kissing!

Naruto: Well, sure.

*An hour later...*

Karin: Oh... Oh my...! *Lying next to Naruto naked in bed* Oh... Oh dear...

Naruto: Hoo... Well, how was that?

Karin: Well, it was good... *Deep blush* Though using my mouth was... That was so dirty...

Naruto: *grins* But fun, right?

Karin: Yes... I suppose... So, when would you like to get married?

Naruto: ... Pardon?

Karin: ... You took my virginity. I was saving that for my husband. *Eye glint* You are going to take responsibility, aren't you?

Naruto: Er, well, hey wait a minute-!

Karin: Guards! Bring my new husband down, we must get ready!

Guards: Yes mistress!

Naruto: HEY! HANG ON A SECOND! YOU NEVER SAID THAT! HELLLP!

*In Leaf Village*

Hinata: My Naruto senses are tingling! *SHOOM!*

Kiba: ... Dude, what?

Shino: It's probably better not to ask...