A Fairy Tail for Robots

BukkakeNoJutsu

Well-Known Member
#1
A Fairy Tale for Robots
By BukkakeNoJutsu
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Disclaimer: DonÆt own any Bleach other than what is next to my washing machine.
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ôGoddamn it, Orihime! Just confess to him already. You donÆt even have to say anything. Just rub his junk like it could grant you wishesà

àJust do it while youÆre both still alive. ö
-Arisawa Tatsuki (two days ago)
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(Now in the Present)
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Resident orange haired tough guy, Kurosaki Ichigo raced to meet who was widely considered to be the most beautiful girl at Karakura High, Inoue Orihime near the schoolÆs sports supply shed after classes.

She seemed flushed with nerves when she made this request of him at lunchtime.

Was she sick? In trouble? It didnÆt matter as he rushed to her aid, as he always did whether in this world, the next, or someplace in-between. After all, she was a genuinely good person and a close friend.

He efficiently tracked the thread of spirit energy belonging to Orihime, bringing his sprint to an end, but nowhere near winded.

Orihime sat on a nearby wooden bench, waving, then fidgeting. She seemed to avoid his gaze.
ôEh, æhime! Did something happen? You okay?ö questioned Ichigo sitting down next to her.

OrihimeÆs face flushed beet red from his proximity.

ôIàô The burnt orange-haired girl inhaled deeply looking away for a moment, ôI have something IÆve been wanting to tell you for a while, but I donÆt know where to begin.ö

Ichigo sat and thought for a second about his friend struggling.

ôHmmà If itÆs so difficult, try to go back to whatever you think would be a beginning.

Orihime sat and fidgeted some more.

ôIÆve got it!ö yelled Orihime jumping up from the bench excitedly.

ôHuh?ö

ôRemember that art project we had about our future selves?ö

ôYeah I doàö

ôRemember mine?ö

ôYeah, werenÆt you a giant robot with like tank treads andàöIchigo vaguely motioned toward his upper torso, ôàchest missiles calledàuh? Help me here.ö

Orihime beamed at his recollection.

ôShin Orihime-X.ö chirped IchigoÆs friend and current enigma.

ôYeah, Shin Orihime-X. What does that have to do withà?ö Ichigo gestured to the present moment,

ôItÆs everything,ö beamed Orihime, ôShin Orihime-X is a robot who ends up setting the world on fire in that picture I drew, but thereÆs more to the picture than whatÆs on the page. She looks like a completely autonomous robot, but thatÆs not true. Let me sketch it for you.ö

The enthusiastic teen pulled out a notepad and pencil, and in moments had a perfectly serviceable sketch of her robotic future self, at least a rearward view.

ôSee that hand ladder and door?ö pointed out Orihime.

The shinigami substitute nodded.

ôShin Orihime-X actually has a human partner---one who can reign in her more destructive impulses, who performs maintenance and pre-launch checks, and generally makes her happy. Actually, it takes the both of them together set the world on fire.ö

ôIÆm sorry, Orihime. IÆm still a little lost,ö stated the bewildered teenager.

ôNo worries, Kurosaki-kun. ItÆs sort of a metaphor. You see-ö Orihime turned to Ichigo and looked him dead straight in the eyes, her eyes watering.

ôIf Shin Orihime-X is me in the future, who I see as my partner isàö Orihime gulped, ôàyou. ItÆs always been you.ö

Ichigo froze. His eyes wide. Orihime likes---

---ME.

ôI know IÆm silly, goofy even. I donÆt how youÆd ever---ô Orihime turned away from Ichigo as tears ran down her face in silence.

No one had ever confessed to Ichigo before. He had been teased by Rangiku and Yoruichi, but this was completely alien. He was so busy fighting for his life and the lives of his friends that had never really considered a serious romantic relationship. To be honest, he was caught off balance and a little terrified more than anything.

What came to mind were the words from the deepest part of his soul, from his sword and partner Zangetsu, "Abandon your fear. Look forward. Move forward and never stop. You'll age if you pull back. You'll die if you hesitate.ö

Orihime, interpreting IchigoÆs silence for rejection, stood up on the verge of running home and crying herself to sleep when IchigoÆs hand gently, but firmly found hers. Soon, she found herself hugged to his chest, her tears staining his uniform.

ôOrihime, honestly, IÆm an idiot. I donÆt know what hell IÆm doing, but IÆd like to find that out. Together. Sound good?ö

The girl looked up to see a fragile, but genuine smile on IchigoÆs face. Orihime nodded in agreement and her tears quickly gave way to infectious laughter.

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The next day when Ichigo and Orihime arrived at school holding hands, both blushing but with fingers intertwined, people started to get the impression that nothing would ever be the same.

Not in Karakura.

Not in Soul Society.

Not in Hueco Mundo.

Zangetsu just wondered how IchigoÆs inner world got so goddamned sunny. That and why a giant robot was demolishing abandoned buildings with breast shaped missiles and leaving behind fields of sunflowers.
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Hasshin!
 

Ranma Uzumaki

Well-Known Member
#2
I can honestly see it happening this way in the manga.
 

Knyght

The Collector
#5
I honestly thought she was gonna rub his junk as Plan B. :p

Felt a bit..plain and simple, really. I haven't read many Bleach romances but I find myself comparing this to <a href='http://www.fanfiction.net/s/3825292/1/The-Closet' target='_blank' rel='nofollow'>The Closet</a> which gives us a more interesting confession and scenario.

I'd take out the parts mentioning the date since there doesn't seem to be much point it. Tatsuki gave Orihime advice and she followed through is all we need to know. And "Kurosaki-kun" and "Inoue" are the only things they've ever called each other.

I think you could use the Robohime thing to crank up the surreality like if Ichigo arrived behind the shed to find a man-sized figurine of the robot and a city backdrop. Make the whole thing seem less cliche by focusing on Orihime-weirdness. That could actually make the timeline relevant if we're told that Orihime's spent two days out of school, hiding in her apartment and it's revealed that she'd used to time to set this up. And you could have gone for something better than her losing her nerve and trying to run off.

Depends on whether this is the entire thing or it's just the starting point for a fic. If it's the latter then it's not too bad but if it's the former then it feels weak and doesn't really stand out.
 

BukkakeNoJutsu

Well-Known Member
#6
Thanks for the honest critique. It's little limited I admit, but I wanted to kick off nanowrimo with a snippet.
 

Orz

Well-Known Member
#7
A late comment, but here it is.

To agree and continue in with what knight504 was saying, it feels simple, even underwhelming even, because it's simply one scene, with no real buildup, and a lot of the conflict was glossed over. It's one scene, rather than a short story. Perfectly fine as a stepping-stone to a longer story, but doesn't really finish things up on its own.

I mean, it's absolutely fine if you don't want to focus on the potential drama by not drawing out the confession scene or whatever, but you can focus on something else, or even just tie up the story by building up the beginning with Orihime making a mess over things, or her having that discussion with Tatsuki where the first line is said.

This part is my opinion, but in particular I felt the ending was weak. The classmates were 'starting to think' that things would 'never be the same'. That's... incredibly neutral. Makes the ending thoughts of the reader take a more neutral turn, rather than happy and positive.

This could be offset by focusing on how happy Orihime and Ichigo are, but all that's left is a vague sense that Ichigo is happy, because it's sunny. Yeah, it's positive, but it's also rather vague and not concrete, which is not something that makes me feel that a story is over by a long shot. I mean, I think that even just adding a line at the very end where they smile at each other, holding hands, or something equally sappy and clear would tie the story off.

So yeah, I think just touch up the beginning and the end, and it'd be a much more solid oneshot.
 
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