Rubbing his eyes blearily, Charlie Harper walked into his kitchen. He poured a cup of coffee from the coffee machine into his cup and turned around to face the table. "Morning."
"Morning, Uncle Charlie," Jake Harper said, and then dipped his spoon into his bowl of Maple Loops and took another bite.
"Morning." Alan Harper was distracted. In fact, he was so distracted that he didn't look up from the form he was filling out. In fact, he was so distracted that he didn't even make breakfast for himself.
"Alan. What the hell are you doing? In fact, where's my breakfast?" He leaned over his brother's shoulder. "Wait, is this... a college application?!"
"No?" Alan replied in a very weak voice. The elder replied with a pointed look. "Well, yeah. It's an application for a medical school."
"Let me see that." Charlie held up the first page of the application. "USC Medical School? Are you insane? Don't you even remotely remember that twenty years ago, you got rejected from every single medical school in America? No wait, scratch that. Every medical school in North and South America?"
"That was nineteen years ago, and yes, I remember. I'm just hoping that seventeen years being a chiropractor will help me get in."
"Wait a second, why are you even doing this in the first place? Mass rejection the first time isn't good enough for you?"
ôWell, itÆs always been my dream to get into a medical school. And now, that IÆm not paying alimony to two different women; I finally have some money to invest in that dream. Sure, that dream had been sidelined for a while but IÆm free now! So I decided that I can try again!ö Alan grinned, eyes sparkling.
Jake, finished with his cereal, dumped the bowl in the sink. "You know, that's probably why dad became a chiropractor in the first place. He wanted to pretend to be a real doctor!"
Alan sighed. "Jake, if you're done with your breakfast, go to your room. And don't come out."
The youngest grumbled, walking in the direction of his room. "Jeez, a little helpful criticism and he makes me go to my room."
The two of them watched as he left the kitchen. "He's not wrong, you know."
"Yeah, I know. But unless you want to help, just... shut up."
"Actually, I can probably help you."
Alan stared at Charlie, almost at a loss of words. "How?"
"Well, you see..." Charlie stretched out his face in a grin. "I'm boinking a medical student upstairs. And not just any medical student, but a USC Medical Student." While the younger brother's face was slowly starting to smile, he added, "But you had better catch her quick, she mentioned she was leaving... three minutes ago."
"Thanks, Charlie!" With that, he went and sprinted out of the kitchen and up the stairs to Charlie's bedroom.
-----
10 minutes later...
"HAHAHA!!!"
At the laughter, Charlie looked up from the Sports section of the newspaper and raised an eyebrow.
ôPlease donÆt leave! I need your help!ö
ôIÆm sorry, butà you donÆt have a chance. HAHAHA!ö
Alan looked at the closing door with horror written in his face. ôSoàö He turned around. ôHowÆd it go?ö
ôIt went fine, up until she asked what I was doing now. I said I was a chiropractor. And then she left.ö
ôDid you get any tips?ö
ôNo.ö
ôYou still going to apply?ö
ôYep.ö
ôSoà when will you hear back from admissions?ö
ôTwo months.ö
-----
Two months laterà
ôHey Charlie, wake up.ö
The man in question opened up one eye and looked up from his spot on the couch. ôHey Berta. What do you want?ö
ôAnother big royalty check came for you.ö
Charlie yawned and sat up straight, both eyes trained on his housekeeper. ôOh yeah. Who knew, writing crappy childrenÆs songs would net me so much money?ö He chuckled.
ôAnd mail from USC came for Zippy.ö
Fully awake now, he stood up. ôReally, a letter from USC came for Alan?ö
ôYeah, where is he anyways?ö
ôHeÆs out on the deck. IÆd better tell him myself. You might want to stay for this, Berta.ö
ôSure, my next bus is in an hour anyways, and IÆm done with everything else around here.ö
They both walked into the kitchen where Alan was getting a cup of orange juice. ôHey, Zippy. Mail for you.ö
ôGod, if itÆs that company againà for the last goddamn fricking time, IÆm not gay!ö
Charlie shook his head. ôWhat?ö
ôOhà nothing. So, what have you got for me?ö
He picked up the letter from Berta and wiggled it in front of AlanÆs face. ôYour letter from USC is finally here.ö He put it on the kitchen table. ôSoà open it.ö
ôIn front of you?ö
ôWhy not? It came in my mail, which would technically make it my letter.ö
ôFirst of all, thatÆs not how it works; and second of allà ok.ö Two pairs of eyes watched with anticipation as Alan used his nail to open the envelope. Breaths were held as he took out the letter and unfolded it. ôYES! I GOT IN!ö
ôWaità what?ö Charlie was absolutely floored at that statement. ôLet me see that.ö He ripped the letter from his brotherÆs hands and looked it over. ôSon of a bitch! I owe mom two hundred dollars!ö
ôExcuse me? You were betting on this?ö
ôYeah, I, mom, Judith, Jake, and a couple of the neighbors had a pool going on. Mom was the only one who said that you would get in. But still, son of a bitch. You actually got in!ö
ôYeah, I know. Amazing, isnÆt it?ö
Charlie poured himself a bit of scotch and sat down, crossing his legs. ôSo, what are you going to do now? You canÆt honestly expect to become a medical student and a chiropractor at the same time, right?ö
ôWhoever said I was going to medical school?ö
ôWait a second; didnÆt you say it was your dream to go to medical school?ö
Alan snorted with laughter. ôNo, I said it was dream to get accepted. Are you kidding me? IÆm not going to go to medical school. No, IÆm going to frame this and put this in my office. That way, I can say that I got accepted into medical school, but took the high road to become a chiropractor.ö
ôHahaha! You think the people you work on will even care?ö Berta laughed her way out the house.
ôà You know, she has a point.ö
ôYeah, I know.ö
ôSo whatÆs going to happen now? Now that you have accomplished your dream.ö
ôWell, IÆm going to live life like I always do.ö
ôYou mean sponge off me.ö
ôYep.ö The younger Harper folded the letter back up and put it back in the envelope. ôSo whatÆs your dream?ö
ôMy dream?ö Charlie thinks for a second. ôWell, IÆm living it.ö
Alan snorted. ôI find that hard to believe. Drinking and whoring around is a dream?ö
ôFine, if you and the knucklehead you call a son werenÆt living here I would be living my dream.ö Charlie smiled and got up. ôDonÆt wait up, IÆve got a date with several women.ö
ôS-several?ö Alan sputtered. ôHow do you have a date with s-several women?ö
Charlie stood up. ôWell, first of all, you need to have a dream involving those women. See you later, my I-donÆt-have-a-dream-anymore brother.ö With that, he walked out the front door.
After several seconds of gaping at the closed door, Alan finally closed his mouth. ôI need another dream. Preferably one with multiple women in it. Stupid Charlie. He could have at least shared...ö
"Morning, Uncle Charlie," Jake Harper said, and then dipped his spoon into his bowl of Maple Loops and took another bite.
"Morning." Alan Harper was distracted. In fact, he was so distracted that he didn't look up from the form he was filling out. In fact, he was so distracted that he didn't even make breakfast for himself.
"Alan. What the hell are you doing? In fact, where's my breakfast?" He leaned over his brother's shoulder. "Wait, is this... a college application?!"
"No?" Alan replied in a very weak voice. The elder replied with a pointed look. "Well, yeah. It's an application for a medical school."
"Let me see that." Charlie held up the first page of the application. "USC Medical School? Are you insane? Don't you even remotely remember that twenty years ago, you got rejected from every single medical school in America? No wait, scratch that. Every medical school in North and South America?"
"That was nineteen years ago, and yes, I remember. I'm just hoping that seventeen years being a chiropractor will help me get in."
"Wait a second, why are you even doing this in the first place? Mass rejection the first time isn't good enough for you?"
ôWell, itÆs always been my dream to get into a medical school. And now, that IÆm not paying alimony to two different women; I finally have some money to invest in that dream. Sure, that dream had been sidelined for a while but IÆm free now! So I decided that I can try again!ö Alan grinned, eyes sparkling.
Jake, finished with his cereal, dumped the bowl in the sink. "You know, that's probably why dad became a chiropractor in the first place. He wanted to pretend to be a real doctor!"
Alan sighed. "Jake, if you're done with your breakfast, go to your room. And don't come out."
The youngest grumbled, walking in the direction of his room. "Jeez, a little helpful criticism and he makes me go to my room."
The two of them watched as he left the kitchen. "He's not wrong, you know."
"Yeah, I know. But unless you want to help, just... shut up."
"Actually, I can probably help you."
Alan stared at Charlie, almost at a loss of words. "How?"
"Well, you see..." Charlie stretched out his face in a grin. "I'm boinking a medical student upstairs. And not just any medical student, but a USC Medical Student." While the younger brother's face was slowly starting to smile, he added, "But you had better catch her quick, she mentioned she was leaving... three minutes ago."
"Thanks, Charlie!" With that, he went and sprinted out of the kitchen and up the stairs to Charlie's bedroom.
-----
10 minutes later...
"HAHAHA!!!"
At the laughter, Charlie looked up from the Sports section of the newspaper and raised an eyebrow.
ôPlease donÆt leave! I need your help!ö
ôIÆm sorry, butà you donÆt have a chance. HAHAHA!ö
Alan looked at the closing door with horror written in his face. ôSoàö He turned around. ôHowÆd it go?ö
ôIt went fine, up until she asked what I was doing now. I said I was a chiropractor. And then she left.ö
ôDid you get any tips?ö
ôNo.ö
ôYou still going to apply?ö
ôYep.ö
ôSoà when will you hear back from admissions?ö
ôTwo months.ö
-----
Two months laterà
ôHey Charlie, wake up.ö
The man in question opened up one eye and looked up from his spot on the couch. ôHey Berta. What do you want?ö
ôAnother big royalty check came for you.ö
Charlie yawned and sat up straight, both eyes trained on his housekeeper. ôOh yeah. Who knew, writing crappy childrenÆs songs would net me so much money?ö He chuckled.
ôAnd mail from USC came for Zippy.ö
Fully awake now, he stood up. ôReally, a letter from USC came for Alan?ö
ôYeah, where is he anyways?ö
ôHeÆs out on the deck. IÆd better tell him myself. You might want to stay for this, Berta.ö
ôSure, my next bus is in an hour anyways, and IÆm done with everything else around here.ö
They both walked into the kitchen where Alan was getting a cup of orange juice. ôHey, Zippy. Mail for you.ö
ôGod, if itÆs that company againà for the last goddamn fricking time, IÆm not gay!ö
Charlie shook his head. ôWhat?ö
ôOhà nothing. So, what have you got for me?ö
He picked up the letter from Berta and wiggled it in front of AlanÆs face. ôYour letter from USC is finally here.ö He put it on the kitchen table. ôSoà open it.ö
ôIn front of you?ö
ôWhy not? It came in my mail, which would technically make it my letter.ö
ôFirst of all, thatÆs not how it works; and second of allà ok.ö Two pairs of eyes watched with anticipation as Alan used his nail to open the envelope. Breaths were held as he took out the letter and unfolded it. ôYES! I GOT IN!ö
ôWaità what?ö Charlie was absolutely floored at that statement. ôLet me see that.ö He ripped the letter from his brotherÆs hands and looked it over. ôSon of a bitch! I owe mom two hundred dollars!ö
ôExcuse me? You were betting on this?ö
ôYeah, I, mom, Judith, Jake, and a couple of the neighbors had a pool going on. Mom was the only one who said that you would get in. But still, son of a bitch. You actually got in!ö
ôYeah, I know. Amazing, isnÆt it?ö
Charlie poured himself a bit of scotch and sat down, crossing his legs. ôSo, what are you going to do now? You canÆt honestly expect to become a medical student and a chiropractor at the same time, right?ö
ôWhoever said I was going to medical school?ö
ôWait a second; didnÆt you say it was your dream to go to medical school?ö
Alan snorted with laughter. ôNo, I said it was dream to get accepted. Are you kidding me? IÆm not going to go to medical school. No, IÆm going to frame this and put this in my office. That way, I can say that I got accepted into medical school, but took the high road to become a chiropractor.ö
ôHahaha! You think the people you work on will even care?ö Berta laughed her way out the house.
ôà You know, she has a point.ö
ôYeah, I know.ö
ôSo whatÆs going to happen now? Now that you have accomplished your dream.ö
ôWell, IÆm going to live life like I always do.ö
ôYou mean sponge off me.ö
ôYep.ö The younger Harper folded the letter back up and put it back in the envelope. ôSo whatÆs your dream?ö
ôMy dream?ö Charlie thinks for a second. ôWell, IÆm living it.ö
Alan snorted. ôI find that hard to believe. Drinking and whoring around is a dream?ö
ôFine, if you and the knucklehead you call a son werenÆt living here I would be living my dream.ö Charlie smiled and got up. ôDonÆt wait up, IÆve got a date with several women.ö
ôS-several?ö Alan sputtered. ôHow do you have a date with s-several women?ö
Charlie stood up. ôWell, first of all, you need to have a dream involving those women. See you later, my I-donÆt-have-a-dream-anymore brother.ö With that, he walked out the front door.
After several seconds of gaping at the closed door, Alan finally closed his mouth. ôI need another dream. Preferably one with multiple women in it. Stupid Charlie. He could have at least shared...ö
