Amusing fanfiction quotes

Israfel

Well-Known Member
#26
They appeared an instant later in the middle of a rather large, yet empty, room. It was in fact probably both the largest and most empty room Harry had ever been in, let alone seen. The largeness of the room was amplified by the emptiness of it, making it seem even larger than it actually was. To Harry, who had lived in a cupboard for 10 years of his life, it seemed even larger still. Yet, despite the utter hugeness of the room, it was rather boring, being empty and all.
This is just plain sad from the sheer number of times they used the word 'large' within one paragraph. Total 'large' count: 5. That's depressing.
 

Moshulel

Well-Known Member
#27
In her apartment Ayanami Rei opened her cup of instant ramen and began to eat.



The sounds of construction suddenly stopped.? Rei looked around the room in confusion for a few moments.? Then ever so slowly she pushed the play button on the hidden CD player and the æsounds of constructionÆ CD began to play again.



ôThat is satisfactory.ö
Zentrodie: The games people play
 

Moshulel

Well-Known Member
#28
"Technique #1: Breath of Flame.

Description:
A simple technique used to introduce students to the principles of fire jutsus.
With this technique a small flame is produced from the mouth, varying between 10 and 30 inches.

RULE #1: first time students please note to TURN YOUR YOUR BACK TOWARDS THE BOOK WHILE PRACTICING THE TECHNIQUES!

Lies and Deceit by Kabukiman ;) (reviving the thread lol)
 

DhampyrX2

Well-Known Member
#29
Ok, here's a few of mine people seem to have liked before.

Instead of replying to the question, or even looking at the vendor, Xander just sighed and tiredly said, "You're late, and I can still see through your disguises, Sprite. I didn't grow out of it, no matter how much training you went through. And you can buy your own damned flowers for your own damned self without trying to trick me."

Nymphadora Tonks was taken back by the cold tone of the only son of her youngest aunt, Jessica Black-Harris. Alex had always tried to be jovial and fun loving around her on the rare times circumstances allowed them to visit. Even if things were downright awful, she never thought she see him looking so...beaten. Still, she tried to lift his spirits as she smirked saucily and retorted, "That's, Nymph, short for Nymphadora, not Sprite, Lavelle, and you should still call me Tonks."

Xander raised his right brow lightly as he chuckled half-heartedly and replied, "I'll call you Tonks the day I stop calling Puff, Puff."

Tonks rolled her eyes as she sat down beside her cousin and chuckled. "You know he hates that," she informed him in confidential tones.

Xander shrugged as he responded, "His name is Draco, which means dragon, and heÆs a Wizard who does magick, so he's Puff the Magic Dragon until the day I die."
-Xander and Tonks from my Buffy-Harry Potter cross A Kind of Magick


"I know." Alucard responded with a sardonic grin. "But I have learned that those close to my Master must deal with her temper. It, like all things mortal, will pass in time." Alucard replied sagely.

"Unless she agrees to your turning her, you mean." Xander countered with a snort as he folded his arms and glared at his ancestor. The more he heard about that, the less he knew what to think about it. On the one hand, he was part mideon, and other than a few cool new abilities, he hadn't changed. He was still /Xander/, soul and all, and he still felt as he always had, fangs or no fangs. On the other hand, he didn't like the idea of anyone being turned, much less his cousin. Of course, it wasn't like it would be done against her will. Alucard had a strict policy to only turn the willing. And true mideons were nothing like the breed of 'vampires' that Angel and Spike descended from.

Xander agreed more with Alucard's assessment of the demonic revenant breed every day. They were scum, garbage, and vermin. Referring to that...species as vampires was an insult to true nosferatu like Alucard and Seras. That was why Xander adjusted so easily as his vampiric powers grew under Alucard's tutelage. It was easy to disassociate a species with rational thought and free will, a species capable of breeding naturally, and of /inter-breeding/ with humans, from a bunch of parasitic entities that took over corpses and were driven by base instincts alone. Simply put, Mideons like Alucard were the nobility of vampires. Angelus, Spike, and his ilk were orangutans with anger management issues.
_Alucard and Xander from my Buffy/Hellsing/Castlevania cross Family Matters


Dawn's smile grew wicked as she added, "But now that you're free, what's my silence worth to you? I'm thinking dinner, dancing, and a life as my willing love slave...or half your Twinkie stash."

Xander's grin matched hers as he said, "What makes you think you won't be my slave, little mortal? I am a big bad demon and the son of the ruler of a Hell dimension after all."

"Because I'd enjoy being your love slave too much? Besides, you're still Xander. Slavery isn't your thing. Two hours with Mara filled that in pretty easily." Dawn countered with a smile, as Xander reached under his bed and gave her his Twinkees.

"You're too bright for my own good, Dawn-Patrol. You little extortionist." Xander said with a smile as he handed the snack cakes over.
-Xander and Dawn from my Buffy/AMG crossDivine Damnation
 

Hawk

Well-Known Member
#30
Shinji was sitting up, both hands now cupped over his crotch. Asuka could
kick and very acurately.

"W-w-what... I mean. Aah.. It's not.. " he shivered as he tried to speak.

"Why is the doll's hair blue?" she asked, snarling.

"B-blue? Ah.. Huh. Well.. You know..."

"Why isn't it RED?! AM I NOT SEXY ENOUGH FOR YOUR SICK PERVERTED
FANTASIES???" she shouted.

Shinji's eyes grew wide in terror.
- Shinji's Birthday Present by Kanomi
 

Israfel

Well-Known Member
#31
Hehe, that one looks good, can I get a link there Hawk? Please :blue: :blue: :blue: .
 

Hawk

Well-Known Member
#33
Time for some wanton self-gratification again...

Yes, once again, I'm quoting from one of my own stories. :) But hell, what can I say, I found it funny.

"Are you all right, Ritsuko-san?" Shinji asked with a concerned expression, as he absently stirred the Miso and shook the pan with the vegetable wok he was preparing for their bentos.

"Ugh, hung over." Ritsuko responded and downed the rest of her cup of coffee. "I'll be fine, I just need lots of coffee, something solid in my stomach and a shower. Unlike Misato, a hair of the dog that bit me won't help." she added with a resentful and slightly envious glare at the beer-guzzling Misato.

"Nope. Ritsu tried it once, spent the entire day locked up in the bathroom, barfing her brains out." Misato cheerfully revealed. "Usually, I just need a beer and I'm right as rain again." she explained as Shinji refilled Ritsuko's coffee and started boiling another batch, as Ritsuko had already consumed all he'd made and she hadn't even started eating yet.

"Shut up, you." Ritsuko growled.

"Envious much, Ritsu?" Misato gloated.

"Zip it, Misato. I'm holding a cup of hot coffee and I'm not afraid to use it." Ritsuko snarled.

"She's just envious that she can't handle alcohol the way I can." Misato confided in Shinji with a mock whisper, which caused Ritsuko to darken even further, though she didn't make good on her threat, choosing to drink her coffee instead of hurling it at Misato.

"Remember the schnaps incident, Misato?" Ritsuko asked after a few moments. "I'm perfectly willing to share a bottle with you anytime."

"Temporary weakness, can happen to anyone." Misato hastily interjected with a furious blush. "I was probably comming down with a cold or something at the time."

"You certainly seemed healthy enough at the time." Ritsuko interjected. "As both myself and the greater part of the campus can attest to after you spent almost a full hour streaking all across it."
- From my currently untitled and *way* overdue lemon contest entry which will now have to be put to use in some other manner
 
#34
Post it here on the boards so all us sick bastards can read it?
 

GenocideHeart

Well-Known Member
#35
An agonised scream of pain and utter despair filled the auditorium, distracting everyone from the little dramatics.

Hermione slowly raised her head ôWhat was that?ö

Deadpool leaned back. ôOh, just Draco watching the movie I selected specially for him.ö

Harry knew he shouldnÆt ask. But he couldnÆt stop the words coming out of his mouth. ôWhich is?ö

ôI'll give you a hint à it's titled 'Fat, Fifty and Frisky'.ö
From Physical Education, chapter 2.
 

Hawk

Well-Known Member
#36
Haha, I knew there was a reason I'd always loved Marvels motormouthed merc. :)
 

Grunt

Well-Known Member
#37
Some lines from Takahashi Soup Chapter 7



"Ranma! You're alive! Thank whatever sadistic gods are responsible for Akane's temper!" Ataru cheered, before getting socked in the face by the aforementioned girl.

Akane retracted her fist and crossed her arms under her breasts, looking smug. "See? I TOLD you the food didn't kill him."

"Aw, c'mon! This is ridiculous! The soul was lingering! She should totally be dead!" Death insisted.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------



Ranma wordlessly picked up the bento box, and then carried it over to the pentagram, placing it next to Akane's. Both boxes suddenly began to tremble violently on the ground, and several black arcs of lightning flared between the two lunches.

"Wh-What's happening?" Akane asked, becoming more nervous by the unexpected reaction even as she became more annoyed by Ranma's overdramatic "prank".

"Two such great sources of culinary evil cannot coexist in close proximity to each other for long. Being sealed in a closed system like the pentagram, the forces repelling the lunches becomes stronger. They are attempting to remove each other from existence." Ranma clasped her hands together, and then uncrossed them before putting one hand to her temple.

"We must hurry and cleanse the over-spiced abominations."
 
#38
Rolento fought his instincts to treat his step-daughter like he would an insolent soldier during bootcamp. "Listen, Amy. People are starving all across the world. Here in America, we have plenty of food. Do you know there are starving people in Asia that would do anything for food like this? They would fight for this food. They would do anything to steal......our rations." His eyes blurred as the memories came back. "The Cong held me hostage, demanding only our rations. But we......tricked them. We poisoned them and fed them to Charlie. Heh heh. But then we didn't have any food. Heh heh."

Amy and Julia weren't sure if that was a chuckle or a sob.

"Starvation killed my squad. Killed them all, it did. Only I was left to complete the mission. I stayed hidden in the brush for twelve days, waiting to snipe the VC general when he came. Twelve days with no rations. Only the memories of my team sustained me. That.........and their bodies."

"Amy, go get Rolento's pills."

Amy nodded and ran off like a frighten rabbit to the medicine cabinet.

"Johnny tasted okay. I never liked him. But Hank......my second-in-command, I still taste him whenever I eat."

"HURRY UP WITH THOSE PILLS!" Julia shrieked.

"I CAN'T FIND THEM, MAMA!"

"I pretended Calvin's eyes were bean-paste when I spread them over his liver. Delicious."

Julia whimpered and scooted away; praying for Amy to hurry up. Rolento was drooling. This was bad.
NGE Theater ftw.
 

Hawk

Well-Known Member
#39
"Shinji. From a genetic standpoint, you're more closely related to Elvis Presley then you are to Rei. She's got angel DNA in her, so you're more closely related to *any* other human being on the planet, then you are to Rei. She's practically an entire new spicies all by herself. Having sex with her, is just as little incest as it would be if you fucked the family dog." Ritsuko stated and shook her head.
- Currently untitled Shinji/Rei-fic
 

Lord Raa

Exporter of Juice Tins
#40
Since shameless self-promotion seems to be par for the course, here's something from chapter 3 of Alcohol: The Cause and Solution of LifeÆs Problems:

Ritsuko sighed as she ended the call with Misato.

ôCould she possibly screw up more?ö she asked the empty, darkened room.

ôYes,ö the cynical woman mused. ôI better pay her a visit before she offers to be ShinjiÆs love slave or something equally stupid.ö
Yes, you read that correctly chapter THREE.

Chapter two IS ready for public consumption, or rather it would be if I wasn't on month long hiatus while I move into my own home and watch the World Cup.
 

Hawk

Well-Known Member
#41
Tonks wasnÆt expecting a move this forceful and, as a moan of pleasure escaped from her throat, her natural instinct was to bend her knee. Unfortunately for Harry, it was the knee resting near his most sensitive and engorged bits, and the force of the impact left him seeing stars, nearly paralyzed with pain. Tears escaped as his eyes watered, and all he could say was a sharp, ôAaaachk!ö

Tonks stared at Harry, horrorstruck. SheÆd moved out of the way as he rocked back and forth a bit, waiting for the pain to work through his system. ôGod, Harry, IÆm so sorry,ö she said over and over. ôDamn,ö she said quietly, as if to herself, ôI hate it when this happens.ö

ôYou mean, youÆve done that before?ö Harry asked incredulously. Tonks nodded. Harry had the feeling that perhaps the reason Tonks wasnÆt dating anyone had more to do with her clumsiness in bed than her dangerous profession.
- Dudley Lamented by Magic of Isis

It's a lemon, so no link this time. But you can find it at restrictedsection.org
 

Hawk

Well-Known Member
#42
ôWell, if you donÆt mind ladies, I promised my girl IÆd take her to lunch today.ö

ôAnd maybe a quickie.ö she giggled, which got her a blush from the others.

ôHikari-chan!ö Shinji said firmly. ôYou know I never do anything quick.ö he said loud enough that the girls standing near him heard.
Hot Rain by Gunman
 

Hawk

Well-Known Member
#43
ôAre you sure?ö

ôIÆm positive of my information.ö

ôAnd this is the man we hired to serve our scenario?ö

ôGentlemen. His personal problems have nothing to do with his competency as a commander.ö

ôI would say that to be an understatement.ö

ôI donÆt mean to sound like a prude, but do we really want all of NERV and the EvaÆs controlled by a man who comes in less than two minutes when heÆs with a woman?ö
- Second Time Around by Gunman
 

Israfel

Well-Known Member
#44
The city is a walled city but the city had soon out grown the walls and had spread out beyond the confines of the wall that separated the old part of the city from the newer city. The city sat on four major trade routes of the Western Lands making it very rich in trade and political power. There are many waterways and fountains in the city making it easy to transport objects through the city and gave the city a clean drinking supply. The entire city is made from stonework making fires rare in the city and making it a beautiful city to visit.
Heh, the word 'city' is used 12 times in the course of this one paragraph, yikes!
 

SimmyC

Well-Known Member
#45
:rofl: Wow. That IS bad. Lesson number 223 in writing fanfiction, or anything in general, AVOID REPETITION!

And no, I don't know what the other 222 lessons are. :snigger:
 

Moshulel

Well-Known Member
#46
Then how do you know there are 223 rules for fanfiction?

Nevermind the fact that i need to know around 200 of them. <_<
 

Deathwings

Well-Known Member
#47
Ummm...I think that I am going to post some translate (from french) quote from some of my "work in progress" (or "work in no progress" with my very bad case of writter block).

In order for you to understand, I'm going to state a fact immediatly : my story is an AU where Naruto arms and right leg are in fact mecanical prothesis (Auto-Mail for the fun of it) and he is a Powerfull/Dark/Cool!Naruto (he angst a little because he is only half human now, nothing big but he don't like when people talk about it).

He also have a "I-hate-you-but-care-non-the-less" relationship with Kyubi (who is still a giant sadistic bastard with homicidal tendency and help Naruto only because he don't want to die just yet).

On with the show...


--------------------------------------

"...that is WHY you would never understand the burden of my curse !"

"For someone using a "all seing eye", you are very blind, aren't you ?"

"What did you say ?!"

"Look, I an curently shirtless and if you would open your eyes you would see that I HAVE A FUCKING SEAL BIGGER THAN YOUR HEAD -a wonder in itself- ON MY STOMAC !!! SO DON'T EVER SAID TO ME THAT I CAN'T UNDERSTAND THE BURDEN OF AN "ETERNAL CURSE" EVER AGAIN DUMBASS !!!"


Neji and Naruto during the chunin exam

--------------------------------------

"And what are you going to do after killing your brother with gay-king-n?1 help ? Immitate your new sensei and open a gay bar ? Go after pretty teens boys for stealling their body ? For a suposed genius, you really have no brain..."


Naruto to Sasuke in the Valley of the End

--------------------------------------

"Hai, Hatake-san..."

"It is "Kakashi-sensei", Naruto..."

"Only when you finally teach me something useful, Hatake-san..."


Naruto to Kakashi

--------------------------------------

"I'll cut his arms first !"

*Clang*

"Wh...what ?!!"

"You're going to need something a lot more sharp before hoping to be able to cut my arm shark-face..."


Kisame and Naruto for their first meeting

-------------------------------------

"And what sort of "gadgets" do you have on you at the moment ?"

"And what sort of hidden weapon specialist would reveal his secrets ?"


Kakashi and Naruto during the team introduction

-------------------------------------

"You !!! A DEMON !!! Ah...ahahah...BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA..."

Long silence...

"I'LL SHOW YOU WHAT A TRUE DEMON IS !!!"


Naruto (and Kyubi) to Zabuza

-------------------------------------

"Listen and listen well you little selfish bastard, you are curently a celebrity, you have tons of fangirls moping at your feet, the whole village would do anything for you and at last, at one point of your life you have know the love of a family.
Me on the other hand I have nothing but hate and assassination to keep me compagny, I have been torture during 10 hours by fours sadistics bastards -may rot in deepest level of hell for all eternity-, see my right forearm been reduct to crisp by a katon jutsu, feel the teketsu of my left arm explosed, have the nerves of my right leg expose to a raiton jutsu until they totally shutdown and finally my left eye crush into marmellade while still linked to my body by the optic-nerve.
Now, thanks to that, I'm a happy fucking cyborg with only 45% of my body still human with the current mission to drag his best friend sorry ass back to village just after a crapy B-rank mission.
So now Sasuke, if you don't shut the hell up and stop your drama about how you hate me for saving you from a life as Orochimaru sex-slave, I am going to make that you are welcom in the soprano of the village chorus, GOT IT ?!!"


Naruto to Sasuke while dragin him by his left foot just after the Valley of the End

-----------------------------------

Well, I hope it's not too boring for your taste... :p
 

wonga316

Well-Known Member
#48
In keeping with the self gratification, here's is my 2c . It's something from my fic NGE fic, Everyday chapter 16 :p

ôDonÆt touch me!ö she hissed now fully crying and not worried about hiding it. But Shinji persisted and carefully lifted her veil from over her face. Unable to look him in the eye, she turned her face away.

ôYou want to know if I love you?ö he asked her quietly and sincerely which caused her to look up at him showing her tear streaked cheeks.

ôTo tell you truth I donÆt know.ö At the moment AsukaÆs heart sank. She felt sick and unable to move but then ShinjiÆs hand came up to hold her face.

ôI donÆt even know what love is. Is love getting married so you wonÆt have to leave Japan? I donÆt know. WeÆre both so young Asuka but IÆm willing to wait and find out what love is and I know that you do as well. So why donÆt we wait together?ö
 

SimmyC

Well-Known Member
#49
Moshulel said:
Then how do you know there are 223 rules for fanfiction?

Nevermind the fact that i need to know around 200 of them.? <_<
Well I did pull that number out of my ass. :snigger:

Seriously though, I do know quite a bit of 'rules' that most authors should live by. Of course, going through the Naruto section, it is obvious that these rules ARE being ignored. -_-
 

Moshulel

Well-Known Member
#50
SimmyC said:
Well I did pull that number out of my ass. :snigger:

Seriously though, I do know quite a bit of 'rules' that most authors should live by. Of course, going through the Naruto section, it is obvious that these rules ARE being ignored. -_-
Oh spiffy...

You just brought the Naruto section into talk...

I'm sure that if we browse it we can find plenty of humour there... but unlike the one here the humor there was not intended. :(
 
Top