Amusing fanfiction quotes

The Eromancer · Jan 14, 2012

By the time Herbology ended at five, Kevin was thoroughly smeared with dirt, and Blaise was composing poetry out loud due to boredom.

Harry and his room-mates took their plants up to the large table and windowsills in their dormitory. He read a few pages of his Transfiguration textbook while Kevin and Terry played a few hands of some sort of card game. Then the the three of them wandered around the castle before dinner, Terry talking incessantly about a boat trip he'd once been on, until Jan Runcorn accosted them and dragged them off to the fabled tree.

The thing was nothing short of enormous, and it kicked up a storm at their approach. With a few handsigns, Harry activated the distance viewing charm in his spectacles and looked at the wooden marker at the base of the tree. He read: "Whomping Willow."

"Heh." Jan started picking up sticks. "Suits it." She threw them in a brief volley, watching the tree variously swat the sticks out of the air or grab them in near-prehensile limbs and grind them into tiny splinters.

"Race you to the base of the trunk and back?" Terry asked after a while, grinning.

Kevin and Harry exchanged glances. "I'm thinking: no."

"I wasn't serious, you guys," Terry said, then saw the expression on Jan's face. "I wasn't serious!"

She turned to stare at the Whomping Willow, which continued to shake enormous limbs at her.

After a while, the tree's movements slowed, and Terry said, "I think we should go in. It must be close to dinner."

Kevin started and came down from whatever castle in the sky he had been inhabiting. "Oh... yes. Jan, are you coming? Jan?"

She reluctantly turned away from the tree, and sighed.

"Ah, horse puckey. Yeah, yeah."

Kevin glanced at her as they made their way across the grounds. "You okay?"

"I'm fine. Eh, maybe a little bit disappointed."

"Disappointed? In the lethality of the murder tree?" Harry couldn't help asking.

"No... no, not that. I just felt like I could have taken him."

"Could have 'taken'... the murder tree."

"Cor, he was a worthy opponent to be sure, but right at the end there he was beginning to show signs of weakness. Cracks in the armour, if you will."

"What? You can't fight a killer tree. You can't even fight a regular tree! It's a million times heavier than you!"

"And yet, there he was: right on the verge of surrender."

So, Harry Potter and the Vaults of Stone just about had me falling out of my chair giggling my ass off there.

zeebee1 · Jan 15, 2012

Link?

ragnarok1337 · Jan 17, 2012

The panda struck. Sending the young martial artist flying into the bamboo-littered pools. He struck the water with a loud splash. The Springs of Jusenkyo had claimed another unfortunate as it's victim.
The guide shook his head. ''Too bad customer, young customer fall in Spring of Drownedà.''

12345
''That must be Ranma!''
Their was a patter of feet as the Tendo family, spearheaded by the patriarch of the family. Soun Tendo, speeded down the hallway to meet the girls newest fiancÚe.
But before they could reach the door it exploded from its hinges ''What in the world?'' Soun Stuttered as the three sisters could only look on in shock.
It was a massive being. Fully one two heads taller then anyone present it was a massive humanoid glass pitcher with short stumpy limbs. It had an ill-fitting pair of black pants and a Chinese shirt on. It was filled with a crimson liquid.
The Tendo Patriarch looked at the devastation. His mouth agape. ''Oh no.'' he muttered. Kasumi put a steadied herself at the destruction. She put a hand to her lips. ''Oh my''
The massive being gave them a thumbs up.

''OH YEAH!''

...

That is literally the entire fic.

zeebee1 · Jan 17, 2012

Link?

ragnarok1337 · Jan 17, 2012

zeebee1 said:

Why? I was being completely literal when I said that was the entire fic.

zeebee1 · Jan 17, 2012

Because the link would lead to what the author wrote. Not every author writes only one story.

shit_happens23 · Jan 18, 2012

RAGNAROK uses NO LINK

ZEEBEE takes 40 damage and is afflicted with the status effect: BUTTHURT

ZEEBEE counters with LOGIC

It's super effective!

RAGNAROK's weak point is hit for MASSIVE DAMAGE.

RAGNAROK faints.

ZEEBEE gains 1337 experience points.

ZEEBEE grew to level 69!

What? ZEEBEE is evolving!

<a href='http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KwT8FOyXkMw' target='_blank' rel='nofollow'>dun dun, dun dun, dun dun...</a>

Congratulations! Your ZEEBEE evolved into INTERNET TROLL!

ragnarok1337 · Jan 18, 2012

shit_happens23 said:

RAGNAROK uses NO LINK

ZEEBEE takes 40 damage and is afflicted with the status effect: BUTTHURT

ZEEBEE counters with LOGIC

It's super effective!

RAGNAROK's weak point is hit for MASSIVE DAMAGE.

RAGNAROK faints.

ZEEBEE gains 1337 experience points.

ZEEBEE grew to level 69!

What? ZEEBEE is evolving!

<a href='http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KwT8FOyXkMw' target='_blank' rel='nofollow'>dun dun, dun dun, dun dun...</a>

Congratulations! Your ZEEBEE evolved into INTERNET TROLL!

You win 1 internet.

shit_happens23 · Jan 18, 2012

Only 1? Damn, I should've tried harder *snaps fingers ruefully*

ragnarok1337 · Jan 18, 2012

shit_happens23 said:

You can only win 1 internet at a time. If you want more than 1 internet, you have to earn it.

The Eromancer · Jan 19, 2012

ragnarok1337 said:

most people go there whole lives never winning even one

zeebee1 · Jan 19, 2012

If it was truly super effective he would have posted the link. So you only win one internet.

The Eromancer · Jan 28, 2012

So Ryuugi had be falling out of my chair laughing with this line

WinterÆs leader glanced at him for a moment in interest at the prospect of a deal before anger took over again.

ôOr else what?ö He asked.

The river stopped flowing. It literally stopped moving at all or making any noise and, as if in response, the entire forest went silent.

Percy looked at him for a long quiet moment.

ôOr else IÆll be very upset,ö He said.

ôàWhat are your terms?ö SummerÆs man asked.

:rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl:

ragnarok1337 · Jan 29, 2012

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

When Dick raced his way over the rooftops, using the skills that he learned in the circus and honed to near meta-human perfection, his heart skipped a beat when he heard the sound of gunfire.

The convention-goers gone batty, mentally kicking himself for the bad pun, had reached the Iceberg Lounge and opened fire on those inside, a collection of criminal sociopaths and mercenaries armed to the teeth. Either way, there going to be bodies littering the street before he could be there in time to stop all of them.

Nightwing took a dive from the rooftop, grabbing the flagpole after a deep fall and swing himself to a fire escape of the next building, leaping off the railing and use his momentum to throw himself upwards to where he could grab the edge of the roof, pull himself up and than run towards the other side of the street where the Iceberg Lounge was located.

Dick was ready to jump down in the crowd and hope his agility and speed would be enough to overwhelm a unknown but large number of Batmen and the attendants of the Lounge, but the unexpected sight below made him stop.

Apparently the ammunition of the Batmen had dried up quick, enough to cause trouble but not enough to succesfully defend themselves from return fire, intentionally. But instead of responding with guns, the Lounge staff and their guests instead had decided to finish the Batmen by hand and other less-lethal methods.

He could see Freeze stomping his way through the battlefield in his refridgerated armor, tossing aside Bats like ragdolls and whenever a group got isolated, he used the icegun to form a icewall seperating them from the pack. There was one of the Abramovicis, his twin used to roll with Joker, grabbing a Bat by the leg and using him as a blunt weapon to knock over others. The mercenaries in Cobblepot's employ were visibly more comfortable with firearms, but held their own with MMA and kickboxing against costumed convention goers who's only action expierence before this was playing Gears of War. The Penguin himself was riding on the back of a huge man who's costume was extremely poor, a cardboard box painted blue was his batmask, and was falling victim to a chokehold achieved by a umbrella being tugged into his throat.

Dick could see Killer Moth being kicked around on the ground by several Batgirls while begging for help from his fellow criminals, and Harvey Dent was content on standing on the sidelines, though he occasionally flipped a coin whenever a Bat straggler charged him. Thankfully the flip appeared only to be to decide whether to finish the attacker with an uppercut or a headbutt. And of course there was Bane, also a case of luck as he had not broke a single spine this far, though there were enough concussions, twisted limbs and bruised ribs as he fought his way through the centre mass of the Bat mob, not even bothering with Venom.

"Screw Youtube, this goes straight to Bluray sale."

Dick smirked. "As long as they keep it clean and I get a share, I'm fine with it. Babs, I think I see Jervis Tetch."

"What is he doing?"

"Kicking one of the downed Bats in the groin."

"Well when you're his height, you tend to take what you can get. Dick, he's undoubtly the foremost expert on the tech Joker is using, we'll need his help to locate and stop the transmissions."

"One second, Bane is about to suplex an obese guy wearing a bad imitation of Jean-Paul Valley's suit."

"Awesome."

One of Joker's schemes gets a bunch of Batman and Joker cosplayers at a comic-con hyped up on a variation of Scarecrow's anti-fear toxin and the Mad Hatter's mind-control tech, and he sends them out to cause as much chaos as possible. This is one of the results.

The villains are using non-lethal attacks because they're in Pengin's Iceberg Lounge, and it's one of Cobblepot's mostly-legal ventures, and he doesn't want to be taken down by Batman for killing civilians. He manages to convince the Rogues to hurt them, not kill them

This is a snippet from <a href='http://forums.spacebattles.com/showpost.php?p=7123190&postcount=5' target='_blank' rel='nofollow'>Bruce Has a Problem</a>. It started out as an idea thread on Spacebattles, where someone asked, 'what if Harley decided to dump the Joker and shack up with Batman.?' The idea proved popular, and it became a round robin-style fic, where various Spacebattlers posted various snippets that evolved into a truly AWESOME story.

The link provided takes you to the latest thread, and has more links to each chapter. Enjoy. I know I have.

nairit · Jan 29, 2012

Joker decided to dump Joker?

Sunhawk · Jan 30, 2012

Harley decides to dump Joker.

ragnarok1337 · Jan 30, 2012

Fixed.

zeebee1 · Jan 30, 2012

Harley dumped the joker because someone took him to the doctor and had him spayed?

Prince Charon · Jan 31, 2012

zeebee1 said:

No, its that she found out Batman was better in bed, and more fun in other ways.

Plus, the Batman, Inc. thing made his identity rather obvious to her.

zeebee1 · Feb 1, 2012

Actually, I'm pretty sure she thought it was some massive proposal. Never underestimate the thought process of an insane shrink.

ragnarok1337 · Feb 6, 2012

After they left the Hokage's office, Kakashi gave his team their orders. "Okay, my cute little students, we leave at-" He made a show of obviously looking Tazuna over, "the crack of nine in the morning. I want you outfitted for a trip of at least a month's duration, though I suppose it could take longer than that if something, I don't know, unforeseen happened."

Tazuna coughed and picked at his nose. The smell of alcohol tripled with each forceful exhalation.

Naruto tried not to recoil at the assault on his nose.

"And to help you outfit yourself, here's a requisition note for you three." Kakashi handed over a slip of paper.

Naruto took it and read it quickly. "Wow, and it's even good for approved supplier shops, too! Awesome! You've never given us one with this kind of authority." He looked up hopefully. "Does this mean we can resupply all the personal equipment we ended up without in the move and combat loss it into our pockets?"

Kakashi smiled indulgently. "Of course, Naruto. What are approved requisition forms for, after all?"

"Thanks, Sensei!" they chorused happily.

Tazuna watched this display of childlike cheerfulness with furrowed brows.

"You were joking, right?" Tazuna asked, stepping close to Kakashi and dropping his voice to a whisper. "About protecting me from them?"

Feeling mischievous, Kakashi decided to elaborate. "Well, they have promised not to kill clients anymore after what happened to the poor, poor Higurashi family."

"Why? What happened to the poor, poor Higurashi family?" Tazuna asked in horror.

"They were having a little religious dispute with their neighbors that divided the family and pit son against father and brother against sister. My students killed the survivors of the schism," Kakashi replied innocently.

"Gah!"

"One time! One time and they never let you forget!" Naruto complained.

"Of brutal murder?" Tazuna asked, seriously wondering if maybe he should ask for another team despite being told by the Hokage that there were no other teams available.

"Still just one time," Naruto insisted.

"They were clients, Naruto," Kakashi said gently.

"Still just one time we brutally murdered our clients," Naruto insisted stubbornly.

Tazuna paled even further.

"Besides, they had it coming," Naruto said dismissively. "They totally lied to us about the mission parameters. Goddamn C rank mission turning into some unholy S rank nightmare with monsters and lies and betrayal and all of us almost getting killed. I'd have tortured them to death myself-"

"Except Midori," Sasuke said sadly.

"-except Midori, if it wasn't for the fact that we were too busy to take our time and they all kinda died before we got a chance to really make them suffer," Naruto said emphatically. "So don't cry for those assholes. You lie about the mission, you get what you deserve."

"Ah, yeah," Tazuna said in a very small, faint voice. "I'll keep that in mind."

Kakashi couldn't physically grin any wider. As it was, his eye had nearly disappeared into a slit he was so amused.

"Ah, well, off with you, kids. Get a good night's sleep." He waved them off.

"Thanks, Kakashi-sensei! See you in the morning!" Naruto said cheerfully, waving as the trio walked off.

Tazuna watched them go, then turned to say something to Kakashi.

Kakashi wasn't there.

"Oh, great kami, any and all of you who'll listen, please let me survive this," Tazuna begged.

xxxxxxxxx

xxxxxxxxx

"So why do you think Kakashi-sensei wanted us to scare the hell out of our client?" Hinata asked.

"I don't know," Naruto admitted. "There seemed to be an in joke thing going on between Kakashi-sensei and Hokage-sama. I know I should be spending more time trying to figure it out, but I bet we have some time before it becomes critical and I strongly suspect we'll need more info. I'm just gonna drop a clone behind to watch the old guy. Now come on. Free weapons!"

"Yay, free weapons!"

And Team Lie had a very good evening buying things to kill people with on the village's tab.

From the Naruto fic <a href='http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5487479/1/Ask_Me_No_Questions' target='_blank' rel='nofollow'>Ask Me No Questions</a>. I think the final line sells it.

shit_happens23 · Feb 7, 2012

Holy climate change, Batman! You posted a link! An honest-to-God, connects-to-another-interwebs link! And without any prompting or provoking either. No, it was from your own initiative! Rag, I'm... I'm so proud of you! Not just as a person but as a fellow forum-user.

No longer can Zeebee1 persecute you for your grossly deficient linkage with his trademark vicious one-liners. No longer can his masterful use of cutting sarcasm tear strips from your electronic hide! NO LONGER WILL EVERYONE LAUGH BEHIND YOUR BACK AT YOUR HORRIFIC INTERNET-BASED DISABILITY!!

Hold your head up high, Ragnarok1337. You are now a real man/woman/humanoid (Delete where appropriate). You have joined the ranks of the greats before you.

I award you an internet. Use it wisely.

ragnarok1337 · Feb 7, 2012

I'm trying to decide whether to laugh or punch you. Maybe both.

zeebee1 · Feb 7, 2012

I can still persecute you, if you want to call it that, since you didn't post a link in another thread after you posted this link.

As punishment I am taxing your free internet.

ragnarok1337 · Feb 7, 2012

zeebee1 said:

What thread?

Amusing fanfiction quotes

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