Amusing fanfiction quotes

zeebee1

Well-Known Member
Could you provide a link? That story isn't listed on FF.net, FIMFiction, or Google. Also, if I use your user name as a search criteria I find someone who isn't you.
 

chronodekar

Obsessively signs his posts
Staff member
zeebee1 said:
Could you provide a link? That story isn't listed on FF.net, FIMFiction, or Google. Also, if I use your user name as a search criteria I find someone who isn't you.
In many ways, this is just embarrassing. The fellow doesn't even have links in his signature. Makes you wonder if he/she WANTS to be found ...

-chronodekar
 
Right under your nose.

<a href='http://z14.invisionfree.com/The_Fanfiction_Forum/index.php?showtopic=21719&hl=' target='_blank' rel='nofollow'>http://z14.invisionfree.com/The_Fanfiction...topic=21719&hl=</a>
 

bissek

Well-Known Member
"Go easy on the kid," Ranma said. "It's not easy turning into a girl, much less a fox girl."

"I turn into a girl, you don't see me complaining," Harry said.

"Which one are you again?" Molly said, pointing at Ranma. "We have so many of you it's kinda hard to keep track..."

"I'm the one who's a master of Magical Girl Martial Arts," Ranma said.

"Which sub-discipline?" Sasuke asked. "There are about twenty of you who did that."

"You know, it would be easier to give us your Magical name," Molly pointed out.

The Ranma blushed. "It's kinda embarrassing."

"We're all magical girls and boys here," Harry pointed out. "Nothing's embarrassing anymore."

Ranma squirmed under their combined looks, but eventually said, "I'm a catgirl..."

"That doesn't narrow it down at all."

"Catgirl Magic Knight?"

"Still about ten of you."

"Catgirl Magic Knight with elemental powers?"

"Down to nine."

"This might take a while..." Harry commented.
<a href='http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5839836/2/Magical-Girl-Magistra-Erebea-Molly' target='_blank' rel='nofollow'>Magical Girl Magistra Erebea Molly</a>
 

Megaolix

Well-Known Member
Chibi-Reaper does awesome again.

You watch through the barrier as Homura zips off.

....

To the Kaname residence. She kicks down the front door.

This will certainly end well.

Hitomi jumps, and puts her phone on speaker, just as Madoka does the same, and conversation is interrupted by a brief staccato of automatic gunfire.

"I AM FRESH OUT OF FUCKS TO GIVE ABOUT ANYTHING AT ALL!" You can hear Homura yell on the other side of things. "EVERYONE IN THE VAN, EVERYONE IN THE GOD DAMN VAN, WE ARE TAKING A ROAD-TRIP, I AM TAKING MATTERS INTO MY OWN HANDS, I NO LONGER GIVE A SHIT ABOUT SUBTLETY."

There's assorted high-pitched complaints about this interruption to the daily routine, which is answered by more gunfire and the crashing of china... you think you remember a display case of some fancy flatware. So long, dishes. Your ornamentality will be missed.

"NO. THERE ARE NO ARGUMENTS. WE ARE GOING TO, TO, TO CANADA, AND YOU WILL FIND A JOB JUST AS GOOD AS HERE, AND YOU WILL KEEP BEING A SUBMISSIVE HOUSE-HUSBAND, AND YOU WILL KEEP BEING A BABY, GOOD JOB ON THAT BABY, YOU'RE DOING VERY WELL, AND YOU, MOST ESPECIALLY, WILL NOT BE TRICKED INTO DEVIL CONTRACTS FOR YOUR SOUL OR KILLED BY GIANT MONSTERS, OR MURDERED BY OTHER SOUL-TRICKED IDIOT GIRLS, AND YOU'LL LIVE A TOTALLY FINE AND HAPPY LIFE WITH ABSOLUTELY NO SUDDEN AND UNEXPECTED DEATHS IN YOUR YOUTH, YOU WILL LIVE TO A RIPE OLD AGE OF A HUNDRED AND FIFTY TEN, AND I WILL SHOOT THE GOD DAMN GRIM REAPER HIMSELF IF HE SAYS OTHERWISE, BUT I AM OUT OF PATIENCE SO NOW YOU WILL GET IN THE FUCKING VAN."

There's some more tumult, which fades quickly. It seems like Madoka left her phone behind, because you can hear a motor starting and, yeah, now you can see the van pulling out of the Kaname household.

"Holy shit." Kyoko says, a stunned note of awe in her voice. "We are now, like, officially the straw that broke a camel's back. That is pretty impressive."

Hitomi groans, holding her face in both hands.
From <a href='http://forums.spacebattles.com/threads/witch-quest-story-only.237385/' target='_blank' rel='nofollow'>Witch Quest</a> (Story only thread).
 

bissek

Well-Known Member
Batman shook his head and prepared to move forth in his investigation.

"The Joker has been sighted in Las Vegas, Master Bruce" said Alfred as he stepped in.

"What now?" growled Batman.

"Well he seems to have walked through town and merely left, sir," said Alfred. "What purpose could that serve?"

"You never know with the Joker," said Batman as he resumed his work. "There are days where he just does things to mess with people and make them thing they have greater meaning."

"Like one of those Internet trolls, sir."

"If you insist, Alfred."
"Muggles roasting on an open fire!" sang Bellatrix, as the smell of burning flesh filled her nostrils. "The fire is burning at their flesh!"

She roasted some marshmallows over the burning forms of the Dursleys. Killing Muggles always made her work up an appetite.

Bellatrix Lestrange departed from the premises, as she blew up the windows and left a dark mark above the house.

"Joy to the world, the Muggles are dead!" sang Bellatrix, off key, as she skipped down the street, blowing up things at random. "I barbequed their heads!"

At that point, a pale figure dressed like Santa Claus walked into focus, to stare at Bellatrix. Underneath his beard, he had permanent grin and green hair poked out from underneath his hat. He looked at Bellatrix as she skipped merrily down the street, blowing up Christmas decorations.

"And people think I have issues," chuckled the Joker as he turned around, in disguise as Santa Claus. "That woman is absolutely nuts. I think she needs some shock therapy or something!"
<a href='http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8333963/25/Emerald-Flight-Book-One-Union' target='_blank' rel='nofollow'>Emerald Flight Book One: Union</a>

When Joker thinks that somebody's nuts, you know they've gone off the deep end.
 

bissek

Well-Known Member
"Good work, men," Zero said. "We'll launch our counterattack during the next sandstorm. Keep me posted on the weather." He stood up and removed his mask. There were dark bags under his eyes and his skin looked grey. "So, Kallen, I don't need to command my armies in South Africa for another two hours. What do you need?"

Kallen looked at him with concern. "When was the last time you slept?"

He paused thoughtfully. "Not the last time I was in the Middle East, but the time before that."

"That doesn't sound healthy," she said critically.

"Well, I am commanding armies from Indonesia to Argentina," he said, irritation creeping into his voice. "I can't reasonably pause twenty different battlefronts for eight hours at a time, but it's amazing what you can accomplish with an unlimited supply of coffee. Would you like some?"
Risks and Sacrifices, Chapter 5
 

Lord Raa

Exporter of Juice Tins
Necro with a snippet for an upcoming scene from Double or Nothing:

“But... I need help, Asuka’s being a bitch.”

“¬Then I’ll drop what I’m doing and stop off at the nearest sex shop to pick up a collar, ball-gag, spreader-bar and a selection of strap-on dildos so we can all punish her,¬” Ritsuko said sarcastically before ending the call.
There will be context in the coming days/weeks/epochs.
 

Stormfury

Well-Known Member
I'm not sure posting quotes from fragments of stories you haven't yet posted anywhere yet is quite in the spirit of this thread.
 

Lord Raa

Exporter of Juice Tins
Time for a necro and tease of some upcoming content for Heero Sandwich.


Sex. A funny word to many teenagers. A motivator for many adults as a fear for some and an addiction to others. One thing was for certain though: It complicated matters.

Heero Yuy was not happy about what had happened with Catherine Bloom. He hadn’t planned it. His primary focus had been on recovering from his attempted self-immolation in the Wing Gundam. He didn’t particular enjoy spending time with Catherine, but she certainly didn’t annoy him like Relena Darlian.

The pilot wasn’t sure if he’d enjoyed his encounter with the woman who lay on her clothes, recovering from her exertions. It hadn’t been a bad interaction, like getting shot, removing that catheter or listening to Duo Maxwell, but still, it hadn’t been the gold standard of pleasurable human experiences that he’d been led to believe sexual intercourse to be.




Working on how to progress the story further.
 
Lord Raa said:
Time for a necro and tease of some upcoming content for Heero Sandwich.


Sex. A funny word to many teenagers. A motivator for many adults as a fear for some and an addiction to others. One thing was for certain though: It complicated matters.

Heero Yuy was not happy about what had happened with Catherine Bloom. He hadn’t planned it. His primary focus had been on recovering from his attempted self-immolation in the Wing Gundam. He didn’t particular enjoy spending time with Catherine, but she certainly didn’t annoy him like Relena Darlian.

The pilot wasn’t sure if he’d enjoyed his encounter with the woman who lay on her clothes, recovering from her exertions. It hadn’t been a bad interaction, like getting shot, removing that catheter or listening to Duo Maxwell, but still, it hadn’t been the gold standard of pleasurable human experiences that he’d been led to believe sexual intercourse to be.




Working on how to progress the story further.
Ouch! Good thing for Catherine that she can't read his mind.
 
"Argh!" Erina looked like she was about to rip out her hair. "And in response to your impure acts upon this most sacred campus, I am declaring myself, Nakiri Erina, Head of the Public Morals Committee! I will see to it that such vulgar behavior never graces this campus ever again! And if any infraction is even remotely plausible, I shall unleash my full wrath in any shokugeki to force expulsion upon such offenders! I will do so at the first opportunity! I'm starting with that filthy deviant, Yukihira Souma!"

Rindou rolled her eyes.

Public Morals Committee? What was this? Some kind of RomCom?

All Rindou was hearing was 'blah blah blah blah!'

"How can you be head of the Public Morals Committee when you don't even know what comes after kissing?"

Erina's face turned a bright beet red.

"H-Hisako! Rindou-nee said k-ki-ki, gah! She said the 'k' word!"

The Tenth Seat looked like a girl who just caught mommy k!$$ing Santa Claus. Hisako immediately wrapped her arms around her in a defensive posture.

"Miss Kobayashi! Erina has no need to hear of you disgusting descriptions of carnal relationships!"

Rindou's mouth was slightly ajar.

"Is this girl serious?"

"There's something after k-k-ki-ki...? Impossible… simply impossible." Erina's lips were quivering. "There's nothing after k-k-ki… There's nothing after that, right? Right? In order for babies to form you only need to love someone very much and k-k-ki-ki... right? Then the mommy gathers up ki energy into her belly so she can summon the Tree of Might so the stork can land and deliver the baby right? And that's why hospitals are so big because there are trees on the hospital rooftops... right, Hisako? Right?"

"That's right Lady Erina, that's right…"

Erina was still badly shaken as Hisako escorted her to the limousine. Erina seemed like she had a mental breakdown.

"Did that just happen?" Rindou asked to no one in particular.

Rindou made a mental note to self to earmark in the budget a sex ed course for all students.
 

chronodekar

Obsessively signs his posts
Staff member
I have no idea what show that comes from, but .. I'm giggling so much!!

-chronodekar
 
I am a grown woman Makoto! I don't need my little sister telling me who I can and cannot date!"

"He's old enough to be our little bother!

The two sisters looked ready to kill each other. Akira sighed at the present situation. This clearly wasn't the way he wanted this to go. He looked to any of his friends for help. Ann, Haru, and Futaba were talking about wedding colors, even though Sae hasn't even said yes yet. And Ryuji was still on the ground laughing.

"Big chested cow!"

"I don't want to hear that dome someone who's butt won't stop growing!"

"For someone so mature, you still wear teddy bear panties!"

"That's rich coming from someone who ran with my underwear on her head acting like Kamen rider!"

"At least I don't still keep a stuffed Pokemon in my room!"

"You leave coco-chan out of this!"

"Titty monster!"

"Fat ass!"

Morgana sighed form his position in Ann's bag. The curious feline staying oddly quite given the situation. That and he was worried that any input on his part may just get him skinned by Makoto. "And now they divulged into name calling…"

"To be honest this was the second-best case scenario between these two…" Akira rubbed the back of his head as he watched his girlfriend and her little sister yell at each other.

"Er what was other scenarios" The cat asked hesitantly.

Akira shrugged. "The best case, Makoto would have just fainted. The worse, she gets on her bike and try to run me over or her and Sae try to settle this 'Niijima style'."

Morgana didn't like the way Akira said 'Niijima style'. "Um Whats- "

"Fine then!" Makoto growled with a rather demented grin on her face. "We'll do this the old fashion way…."

Sae started to take off her ear rings and crack her knuckles. "Sounds good to me. The usual, right?"

"First person to draw blood loses." Makoto said as she cracked her neck.

"I think that's my cue to step in." Akira said as Morgana watched in horror as the two women got into fighting stances.

"Ahem. Makoto?"

"Shut up Akira! When I am done with my sister, your ass is mine!" Makoto growled at her friend.

However, Akira boldly did not step down form the threat. "Be that as it may, as smart as you are Makoto you neglect one thing."

That got the angered girls attention. She turned to Akira with one her deathly sweet grins. "Oh? And what is that Akira?"

Akira gave his trademark smirk, "That I can run faster than you."

In a flash, he had raced by Makoto and picked up Sae in his arms.

"Kyha!?" Sae gasped as she was suddenly whisked away in Akira's arms as the young man ran out of the restaurant and down the streets of Shibuya.
 
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12470708/1/It-s-Secret-To-Everyone its a persona 5 fanfic
 
The sole sound occupying the room was that of the two still entwined upon the floor panting lightly, still recovering. The next sound was that as a metal click as the pair looked up to be met with the sight of Crescent Blade's barrel end aimed directly at their faces.

"T-There's a new kind of Grimm! One that infiltrates your friends' minds and turns them into perverted monsters!" Ruby cried as she much preferred that reality to the one she was facing right now. Closing her eyes tight, she tried to deny everything she had just seen.

From Rolls off the Tongue by RareNyte
 
Izuku did as he asked and mirrored his pose, listening to the odd sounds. It sure sounded like an animal was in there. Heavy breathing, something rattling the lockers, and yet also…

He stiffened. Katsuki heard it too and snarled. "My P.A.L senses are tingling."

"You did not just use that quote," Denki accused in disbelief.

Izuku leaned away from the door, his face serious and his tone all business. "Right, Katsuki and I are going in. Bar the door and don't let anything out until I say so."

"Wait, you intend to enter the girl's locker room?!" Tenya demanded, chopping his hand at Izuku. "Mr. President, that is a blatant disregard of the rules!"

Momo did her best to ease his concerns. "It's fine, I trust them not to mess with our stuff. If a teacher comes by, we'll explain the situation. Be careful, you two."

Izuku nodded and gripped the door handle slowly. He looked at Katsuki, who cracked his knuckles with an eager grin. "Ready?"

"I was born ready, motherfucker!"

Izuku smirked at that, then quickly yanked open the door, letting Katsuki in before he dove in after him. Momo immediately shut the door behind them.

Things were quiet for a few seconds. They still heard the loud breathing as Kyoka plugged one of her jacks into the door. It was several moments before everything went absolutely silent.

Ten seconds of no sound passed by eerily. Class 1A waited, the air becoming thick with tension.

Then they heard a shrill scream, followed by a roar of fury from Katsuki and a yell from Izuku. The sounds of metal clanging loudly began to ravage the lockers, along with several explosions courtesy of Katsuki.

"DIE! DIE! DIE!"

"DROP THEM! DROP THEM RIGHT NOW!"

"NEVER! THEY'RE MY TROPHIES!"

"YOU LITTLE FUCKER! COME HERE!"

"YOU'LL KILL ME!"

"THAT'S THE FUCKING POINT!"

"YOU WON'T TAKE ME ALIVE!"

"I'M GONNA MURDER YOU ANYWAY!"

"CORNER IT IN THE SHOWERS!"

"IT'S TRYING TO CLIMB THE WALLS!"

"I'VE GOT IT!"

"LET ME GO!"

"DEKU! DON'T DO IT!"

"YOU HAVE TO FINISH IT KATSUKI! GO ON WITHOUT ME!"

"DEKU NOOOO!"

"NO! MY TROPHIES!"

"THE ONLY TROPHY YOU'RE GETTING IS A COFFIN! THIS IS FOR DEKU YOU LITTLE SHIT!"

There was a loud squeal, followed by a scream from Izuku. "CLEAR THE DOOR!"

The class practically leapt away from the door as Katsuki screamed at the top of his lungs.

"PLUS ULTRA DIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEE!"

A horrifying scream tore through the locker room, followed by an explosive projectile that literally blew the door clean off its hinges. The object in question flew through the air for several hundred meters (perhaps even a thousand) before it crashed into the wall surrounding campus and hung there, six feet off the ground.

The utterly stunned class realized the projectile had been one Minoru Mineta, now bloodied and beaten within an inch of his life, and once more stuck on the wall of U.A by his own, sticky hair.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12659220/1/Viridescent Chapter 6
 
Canas charged a massive orb of destructive magic and projected it into his Hydra. The creature was blown apart into gory chunks.

"…That's a really good spell…" it was a bit too slow and unwieldy for Mark's liking—nowhere near as spamabble as simple fireballs or lightning—but the raw destructive power could not be denied. "BARTRE! HIT HIM!"

"Wha—" Canas balked.

"OY! IMMA DECK YA IN THE SCHNOZ!" Bartre cracked Canas across the face.

"OWWwwWwwWwW!" Cans cried and hollered and looked a mess, but he did not go down. "WHY!?"

"He can take a hit." Hector understood.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/10558490/15/The-Grandmaster
 

Shirotsume

Not The Goddamn @dmin
Please stop posting quotes that aren't funny.
 
From "The Very Best" by BrilliantLady chapter 6 (FFN #12026631)

After learning his scar is a horcrux, and Dumbles' belief that he must die to remove it:

"That's ridiculous," he scoffed. "I'll just get it surgically removed, burn it, and get the cut healed up with magic."

"I don't think that will work, my dear boy," said Dumbledore sadly.

Harry snorted. "That kind of defeatist thinking is why you're not named in the prophecy about how to beat Voldemort."
Incidentally, the whole story is quite funny and worth a quick read. Brief summary: Harry is inspired by glimpses of the Pokémon cartoon to magically modify normal animals into fully-functional Pokémon, complete with attacks and the ability to evolve. The reactions of the Dementor he captures and attempts to make into a Haunter are particularly amusing.
 

da_fox2279

California Crackpot
point09micron_process said:
From "The Very Best" by BrilliantLady chapter 6 (FFN #12026631)

After learning his scar is a horcrux, and Dumbles' belief that he must die to remove it:

"That's ridiculous," he scoffed. "I'll just get it surgically removed, burn it, and get the cut healed up with magic."

"I don't think that will work, my dear boy," said Dumbledore sadly.

Harry snorted. "That kind of defeatist thinking is why you're not named in the prophecy about how to beat Voldemort."
Incidentally, the whole story is quite funny and worth a quick read. Brief summary: Harry is inspired by glimpses of the Pokémon cartoon to magically modify normal animals into fully-functional Pokémon, complete with attacks and the ability to evolve. The reactions of the Dementor he captures and attempts to make into a Haunter are particularly amusing.
That summary ... really doesn't make me want to read the story, but that quote is hilarious.
 
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