Honestly, I was really enjoying your story right up to the end of chapter 3, but chapter 4 lost my interest almost completely. Your first few chapters felt really focused, but the Delacour section in chapter 3, which you've since removed, was a complete tangent, and this time/dimension travelling Demon Sword OC just left me scratching my head. Given we aren't invested in Harry's history with her, her appearance has almost no impact, and her defeat even less so. It felt like this was a sequel to a story I haven't read. I also thought the fight went on too long and became boring which was surprising considering how well your previous fight scenes flowed.
Harry Potter Another World
- Thread starter frappn
- Start date
Did you...really think that the Delacour scene was a tangent?
I...don't really know what to say. This is troubling. It should be extremely clear why that scene was included, but it might need to be made even clearer. It should still be in the chapter, the particular post was just removed since it has been a couple of days.
Chapter 4 is being revised to extend the scene a bit to add more depth to the characterization. On second thought, there's no need for the readers to care about the OC just yet. What's important is what this says about Harry.
It is interesting how you say that the fight scene dragged on too long. I believe that is indicative of a lack of flow, which I hope to solve by making it even longer.
I...don't really know what to say. This is troubling. It should be extremely clear why that scene was included, but it might need to be made even clearer. It should still be in the chapter, the particular post was just removed since it has been a couple of days.
Chapter 4 is being revised to extend the scene a bit to add more depth to the characterization. On second thought, there's no need for the readers to care about the OC just yet. What's important is what this says about Harry.
It is interesting how you say that the fight scene dragged on too long. I believe that is indicative of a lack of flow, which I hope to solve by making it even longer.
I don't mean the Delacour scene is necessarily tangential to your plot, just to the chapter.
Think about it this way: in a TV show you'll allocate the largest chunk of your budget into key episodes devoted to progressing the main story and fill the gaps with lower budget filler episodes that cost a lot less to make but often end with something that is relevant to the main plot. Doctor Who does this all the time.
In chapter 3 you go from Harry revealing his past to Dumbledore, to Harry and Iris' touching scene and then to Voldemort and his deal with the Fiery Doom Thing.
All of these things are at the very core of your story. To end on the Delacour scene is like ending on filler, even if it will be important, its still not as big as the central Harry/Iris/Voldemort plot.
As for chapter 4, it doesn't work if we're not invested in your OC because it's boring if we're not. The way to invest us in her is through Harry (just as you did with Iris), so I suggest restructuring the chapter so that the first part involves Harry reflecting on his past deeds. You have an easy transition into this as Harry is actively pursuing a method to find his way home. This foreshadows the appearance of a person from his past and allows you to focus on the fight scene without needing to simultaneously explain who the character is to your audience.
Think about it this way: in a TV show you'll allocate the largest chunk of your budget into key episodes devoted to progressing the main story and fill the gaps with lower budget filler episodes that cost a lot less to make but often end with something that is relevant to the main plot. Doctor Who does this all the time.
In chapter 3 you go from Harry revealing his past to Dumbledore, to Harry and Iris' touching scene and then to Voldemort and his deal with the Fiery Doom Thing.
All of these things are at the very core of your story. To end on the Delacour scene is like ending on filler, even if it will be important, its still not as big as the central Harry/Iris/Voldemort plot.
As for chapter 4, it doesn't work if we're not invested in your OC because it's boring if we're not. The way to invest us in her is through Harry (just as you did with Iris), so I suggest restructuring the chapter so that the first part involves Harry reflecting on his past deeds. You have an easy transition into this as Harry is actively pursuing a method to find his way home. This foreshadows the appearance of a person from his past and allows you to focus on the fight scene without needing to simultaneously explain who the character is to your audience.
Interesting. So that is how you saw it.
The Fiery Doom Thing is Gabrielle Delacour.
Let me see if I can't connect that more directly.
Chapter 4 revised:
The combat scene was made longer.
Minor dialogues removed and added.
Cosmetic changes.
Also, a summary:
Flung from a world torn by never ending wars, Harry Potter seeks to find a way back. Through the Gap of Worlds, his past seeks to find him. Now, he must defeat the forces assembled, else risk the fate of not only his world, but of all. AU within AU.
Interesting thing one can come up with in a 255 characters limit.
Also, a new title:
Harry Potter and the Gap of Worlds
Interesting how a turn of phrase can turn significant.
The Fiery Doom Thing is Gabrielle Delacour.
Let me see if I can't connect that more directly.
Chapter 4 revised:
The combat scene was made longer.
Minor dialogues removed and added.
Cosmetic changes.
Also, a summary:
Flung from a world torn by never ending wars, Harry Potter seeks to find a way back. Through the Gap of Worlds, his past seeks to find him. Now, he must defeat the forces assembled, else risk the fate of not only his world, but of all. AU within AU.
Interesting thing one can come up with in a 255 characters limit.
Also, a new title:
Harry Potter and the Gap of Worlds
Interesting how a turn of phrase can turn significant.