Bleach Bastardised

seitora

Well-Known Member
#26
Just an FYI I don't mind people with zero posts postingbin this topic, nor people with one post ;)

But to answer your question, I have specific Arcana tagged to 21 characters, one is still up in the air. Most Arcana are set in stone but a few may shift still since I try to have more than superficial meaning with a character's background and personality as relative to their Arcana.
 

Spectrum

Well-Known Member
#27
seitora said:
Just an FYI I don't mind people with zero posts postingbin this topic, nor people with one post ;)

But to answer your question, I have specific Arcana tagged to 21 characters, one is still up in the air. Most Arcana are set in stone but a few may shift still since I try to have more than superficial meaning with a character's background and personality as relative to their Arcana.
Ha...well, I'd been waiting for ages to register, so when I was clued in on the new site, I jumped on it~

Hmm. I wonder which poor bastard drew The Tower. Chad is the obvious choice, as that's both an acknowledgement of his abysmal luck and a riff on his height, but that seems too superficial.
 

seitora

Well-Known Member
#28
Well, it's good to see you around. Feel free to comment on other threads.

Just be aware that if you're reviving something that hasn't had a post in typically about over a year or so, make it a substantial post, like a critique or couple of paragraphs of comment, especially in the Previews sections. Nobody likes a 'necro' (one word or one sentence post with no real substance) since that gets false hopes up that there's been an update.

As for the Arcana, 4 of them have been revealed in-story as well, with a fifth mentioned.
 

Spectrum

Well-Known Member
#29
seitora said:
Well, it's good to see you around. Feel free to comment on other threads.

Just be aware that if you're reviving something that hasn't had a post in typically about over a year or so, make it a substantial post, like a critique or couple of paragraphs of comment, especially in the Previews sections. Nobody likes a 'necro' (one word or one sentence post with no real substance) since that gets false hopes up that there's been an update.

As for the Arcana, 4 of them have been revealed in-story as well, with a fifth mentioned.
Oh yeah, standard forum etiquette, no big deal.

Just to put it in one place...
Ishida = Hermit
Ichigo = The Wheel (of Fortune)
Mizuiro = Temperance
Urahara = The Fool
And The World gets mentioned in one of the italics lead-ins as being changed by The Fool's actions.
 

zeebee1

Well-Known Member
#30
Mod souls are illegal and nearly extinct. Beyond that, it sounds like Kaien has turned evil or was replaced by one of Aizen's pod people.
 

seitora

Well-Known Member
#31
RAFO

Good news for knight-chan: an update should be coming in the next few days

Bad news for knight-chan: in the next few days I'll be getting the boxed set of all the Death Note volumes and any one-shot ideas I have will take priority for further writing for a couple of weeks.
 

zeebee1

Well-Known Member
#32
Death Note sucks. Don't you dare cross it over with Bleach.
 

seitora

Well-Known Member
#33
Shut up zeebee.



Completely unedited. Any flaws can be blamed on the combination of gourmet jellybeans, ketchup potato chips, nightcore music and an overdose of cute youkai moe~ pictures.

-=-=-=-

The air was dry. It couldn’t be properly defined as an odour, but for the Hollows, who came from an endless desert under eternal moonlight, the idea of ‘dry’ was what they smelled like to Kiyone Kotetsu.

The wind reeked of it.

Even more than the presence the Hollows radiated to her attuned senses was the overwhelming stench. She hated it, despised it, even as the concentration of Hollows became so great it almost became a sweet smell.

Taking out her zanpakuto, she effortlessly glided past the first Hollow she spotted, a menacing spherical abomination that was dark blue and mottled purple. Having cut it in half with her sealed zanpakuto, a ghastly moan could be heard before the Hollow began to dissolve. Landing on her geta, she turned to intercept another Hollow with her zanpakuto, this one distinctly more humanoid except for its grotesque insect wings and fly-face, that had investigated upon hearing the commotion she had started.

Holding back the desire to gag at the Hollow’s appearance, she pushed it away with her zanpakuto, sending it toppling. In an instant, she was on top of the creature, stabbing away into its thick carapace-like body until it too gave up the ghost. Jumping back to the centre of the rooftop, Kiyone took a deep breath, quickly scanning the sky to see if there was a visible Kumon around.

She saw none. She didn’t let it comfort her. More Hollows could be coming in through a Kumon closer to ground level. Instead, she took a second look above to make sure there were no aerial Hollows about to divebomb her. Satisfied, Kiyone followed her nose and inner Hollow sensor, trying to separate individual Hollows out from the great mass that had descended to Earth. Two Hollows down, perhaps hundreds more to go.

Her next opponent she found back on the ground, thankfully without any people around. Where were all the people? It wasn’t even that late, somebody would surely have been out on a stroll at this time. Was Urahara running interference of a sort, or had all the people already been eaten in seconds? No, no use thinking about that.

The blonde did a quick drop roll to slide around the crab-like Hollow as it pounded its pincers on the ground where she had landed, ending her evasion with a quick up-slash. Sharp blade met hard shell, and the immovable object gave in. A quick lunge forward and a hard stab while the creature brought its pincers up and squealed in pain ended the Soul’s time as a Hollow. Hollows like them were a dime a dozen. The only real question is if she could kill over a hundred before she ran out of energy, or one of them got a lucky strike in on her. Perhaps she might have to call Seireitei to release her zanpakuto spirit?

Unbidden, a conversation she had once had with her captain nearly a century ago sprung up to the forefront of her mind.

“Kiyone, Sentaro,” The man had started in his kindly fashion, addressing his two new recruits from the Academy, unknowing that the two would be fighting tooth and nail to advance up the ranks of his division, “The seated ranks of the 13th Division operate differently than most of the other divisions. They all assign unique seat numbers, one seat number per person. If they have thirty seated officers, their lowest ranking officer is the 30th seat. Here, we stop at 10th seat.”

Seeing he had them enraptured, he continued, “Here, numerous officers can fill each seat, up to the third. Once you learn the name of your zanpakuto and achieve the shikai state, you become a 10th seat. If you show enough advancement in your skill, do your patrols, and show discipline, you can advance in the ranks up to 3rd. If my lieutenant should be promoted to captain or fall in battle,” Here, he had coughed for several seconds, alarming the both of them. Later in life, Kiyone would reflect it was a short spell triggered by the painful remembrances of the many, many vice-captains he had seen come and go by way of death, “A 3rd seat will be chosen to become my lieutenant.”

Only a part of that was the truth, she thought to herself now. She felt as if she were still a child, the way she behaved sometimes, breaking down into tantrums at random, physically abusing Sentaro, loudly boasting about her latest feats. By contrast, her sister, the healer, had calmed down from her rowdy days, and was a trusted lieutenant of the beautiful captain of the 4th Division. The only part of her that had changed since she had first donned the black robes of a shinigami was her skill. In that alone, her superior had rightly stated the qualification of battle ability. Where a 10th seat could reasonably expect to have trouble with a single Hollow, a 3rd seat should be able to clear dozens of ordinary Hollows, and even be able to deal with the occasional low-level Menos Grande.

If she could survive this battle, with over a hundred Hollows? She decided it might be worth trying for Lieutenant for once and for all, if only to displace that asshole.

But she was getting off-track, she realised, daring to daydream in the middle of a war, one woman against an army. She needed to win first. And so she found herself killing and killing, like death on a whirlwind, its scythe carving out an impenetrable path of destruction. She killed, and killed, and yet it felt like there was no end to them, like the famed heads of the Orochi - where one died, two more took its place.

No end to them, of course, until an arrow that shone as white as a cloudy mid-day pierced her next target, and the Hollow literally exploded into a bunch of shiny sparks, as if a firefly colony had grown inside its stomach and then decided to burst free in a single climatic moment.

Kiyone froze for a second, and looked to where the arrow had come, ready to Shunpo faster than a batwing’s flap if one came for her. Seeing none, she allowed herself to momentarily relax, and manually traced the arrow back on foot. Even if he was an asshole as well, two were better than one, especially if he was as superior at killing as he suggested himself to be.

It didn’t take long to find the Last Quincy, out in the open of an open square. It did take considerably longer to approach him, however, dazzled as she was by his performance. The boy, no, man, moved as if his feet were feathers, constantly spinning, notching arrows made out of pure reishi, and letting loose twice a second. She could not even see the Hollows he was aiming at, only feel them with her enhanced senses, making his ability to track multiple targets in real-time and shoot them down all the more impressive.

She continued to marvel as a single Hollow dropped off from a tower rooftop from above. Instead of firing at it, the man who called himself the Hermit neatly lurched out of the path of the Hollow’s divebomb, then slashed at with the edge of his bow, neatly bisecting it. A multi-faceted weapon, that bow was.

And then suddenly, he was talking to her, and she noticed he wasn’t wearing glasses. “I felt Hollows go missing earlier. I presume that was your doing, Shinigami?”

With a couple of quick Flash Steps, she was in closer to him, only a few meters away, sword at the ready and in her left hand to execute any eavesdroppers. “Yes, that was me.” She frowned. “What happened to all the people?” In the heat of battle, there were no times for niceties. Even his rudeness appeared to have gone the way of the, well, the rest of the Quincies.

Ishida frowned. “Urahara has some tricks up his sleeves. Once a Hollow appears in this town, people naturally feel the need to move away from the Hollow’s location.” He grimaced. “It’s particularly effective if there are hundreds of Hollows.”

She didn’t ask for elaboration, no time. If it worked, then it worked. “My radar wasn’t working,” She growled, “Do you know where they’re coming in from?” He seemed to be better than her at this sensing game. He should be able to tell where Hollows were suddenly appearing en masse when before there was nothing.

The Quincy grit his teeth. “That’s the problem. I saw the first Kumon open with my eyes. It clearly closed, too. But then another one opened up, and a third one, and a fourth.” Quickly, he made a motion with his hand, and Kiyone, following it, allowed her legs to collapse, bringing her sagging body. It was just in time, as the Quincy fired off multiple arrows just above where her shoulder had been. An unhuman shriek could be heard in the distance.

Unexpectedly, the self-titled Hermit grabbed her by the arm and pulled her back up, then pulled her to face behind her. Her eyes widened. That was a particularly large Kumon that had appeared in the air, right at the base of another tower. A new Hollow was appearing every few seconds.

“Stop anything that comes out from there!” Ishida barked at her. Even though he wasn’t her superior, she didn’t even contemplate disobeying. He was clearly the better of the two here, and his battle style made him far more versatile for tackling Hollows coming from multiple Kumon.

With a couple of uses of Shunpo, Kiyone found herself standing on the ground next to the large Kumon. The wind was howling here, as if a thousand Hollows were prepared to emerge at once. Well, considering the size of it, she would not be surprised if that were to be the case.

Thankfully, after mowing down several fodder Hollow, the trail of new Hollows slowed to a trickle. Finally, out came a tall Hollow that was easily eight meters from head to tail, a weird mutant hybrid of a giant cactus and a prairie dog, spikes protecting its puke-green fur and skin from damage. Seeing Kiyone, it rose up on its hind legs, howled at the moon, and then shrugged its body.

Upon seeing the Hollow’s spikes being ejected from its body, Kiyone yelped, and thought fast. “Bakudo Number Eight, Seki!” She quickly chanted, bringing her hand down to make a normally fist-sized ball of energy cover the entire front of her body. The effort was just in time, as multiple needle-like projectiles she had no doubt would have easily pierced her body like bullets were repelled by the barrier spell, falling down to earth.

She had no time to relax, as the Hollow went back down on all four, and charged. Until now, Kiyone had been fighting small fry, but this one was a cut above the rest with its mass. She used Shunpo to evade, taking a deep gasp of breath at the sudden effort.

Quickly, the blonde 3rd Seat parsed through her options, and concluded that she couldn’t attack the monster normally. It still had far too many spikes around its frame protecting it for her to make an easy stab at it. Even if she could strike it without risking cutting herself on the spikes, she wasn’t certain if her zanpakuto was strong enough without releasing into shikai to fight it. Damn it, where were the reinforcements she had requested?

There was only one option to her. In as low a voice as she could manage, hoping the Hollow wouldn’t hear her, she started chanting, “Disintegrate, you black dog of Rondanini!!” Briefly, her heart fluttered at seeing the Hollow’s ears twitch, as it tilted its head around slowly to facing where she was standing in the shadows. She didn’t let it deter her, and she continued, “Look upon yourself with horror and then claw out your own throat! Bakudo Number Nine, Geki!”

Dashing forward, Kiyone drew the symbols in the air for the spell in a split second, sending the reiryoku of the Kido launching into the Hollow. With a satisfied grunt, she observed in a detached state the Hollow shrieking, before it collapsed, slowly shrinking as its body started smoking, before eventually it shrank to the size and shape of a watermelon, the Hollow mask finally cracking and breaking apart.

Slowly, walking back to the large Kumon to preserve her strength, the battle maiden took several breaths in a controller manner. It would not too to have the rush of battle overtake her instincts at the worst possible moment.

Minutes passed as she waited out the next arrival through the gate. She itched with the need to eliminate more Hollows, but she didn’t move. Not only had she been entrusted with guarding this gate, but the Quincy had been right. If something else was going to come through this Kumon, it could not be allowed to pass.

The sands of time fell down the narrow neck. The spinning gears that heralded each passing second went on without pause, and still Kiyone waited. She could feel Ishida being effective, as while new Hollows were still coming to Karakura in ones and twos, they were being felled by the dozen. The oppressive atmosphere was lessening, lessening, vanishing, and for a few moments she almost believed the fight was winding down.

Then It came.

At first, she thought it was an eggplant-shaped Hollow. Its appearance was already enough to scare her – blotchy white skin with two bright red manes sprouting from the back of its body, a giant red nose and red eyes, yellowed fangs surrounded by bright red lips, and traces of black tear marks underneath its eyes.

Her preconception was dashed as two pale hands suddenly reached through the portal, and started to pull the Kumon boundaries apart, expanding its already wide diameter to a grotesque oval. What she now knew was the head peeked through the Kumon, and then the rest of its body began to move through the dimensional vortex as well.

“Shit!” Kiyone cursed. She knew exactly what this was. She had one, perhaps two chances to eliminate it while it was still coming through. Failing that, she would have to activate her shikai.

Mentally thanking her Captain for having taken the time to taught her this, she started chanting, pouring all of her energy into this spell, “Sprinkled on the bones of the beast! Sharp tower, red crystal, steel ring. Move and become the wind, stop and become the calm.” Grasping her left wrist in her right hand, she finished the chant, “The sound of warring spears fills the empty castle! Hadō Number Sixty-Three, Raikōhō!” Then she let the spell loose.

The effect was immediate as the bolt of lightning struck the clown-like apparition. A terrifying sound rattled her body as the explosion blew her back, the monumental roar of the Hollow carving the idea of fear into her very soul, and for a second she thought her hair might go as white as the Hollown’s own alabaster skin.

Then the moment ended, and the monster continued trudging through the portal.

Her blue eyes widened. Damnit, she would have to bring out her zanpakuto for this. She made to release with her special activation phrase and-

A bright crescent of blue light soared through the air and struck the Hollow in its face. The effect was immediate, as the mask split in two. The Hollow flailed and grabbed, scratching the roadway in front of it with its deep talons, leaving deep gouges behind. However, the fight was over. Within seconds, the Hollow was gone, leaving naught but for an expanded hole.

Turning her head around to see if she could spot her saviour, Kiyone saw a sight so beautiful that she thought her heart could burst.

“Captain Kuchiki!” She was surprised her voice didn’t break in desperate happiness at the sight of the black-haired man in the captain’s haori walking towards her. He wasn’t alone, as another person walked alongside him – shorter, even shorter than Kiyone herself, the person’s gender was unidentifiable behind a blank white mask. Even his or her hair colour was obfuscated by a brown robe with the hood thrown up. She didn’t need to know this person’s gender or name, however: she knew who it was regardless. “Kido Corps Captain,” She gave a brief bow to the both, before allowing herself to finally stagger back against a wall. For several seconds she had expected to fight the Gillian alone, and her body still wasn’t past the surge of hormones released from the stark fear she had felt.

“You are the local Shinigami patrol for this area?” Byakuya spoke, and his voice was as cold as the morning mist.

Kiyone started to nod, but the Kido Corps Captain finally spoke, in a deep, smooth voice, the mask not distorting any of his(?) words, “Kotetsu Kiyone, co-3rd Class Seat of 13th Division along with Kotsubaki Sentaro, twelve years in the position, sister of Kotetsu Isane, Lieutenant of 4th Division. One hundred seven years since graduation from the Academy, ranked sev-“

“That’s enough,” Byakua stated. He almost sounded like he was scolding the other man, but his eyes stayed focused on Kiyone. “All I need to know is that she is the Shinigami patrol. How many Hollows do you estimate to have shown up here since the start of the invasion?” This last question was directed at the blonde.

She tried speaking again, but the poor girl was once again cut off, as a voice she hadn’t heard in several seconds spoke up behind the two captains, “Around six hundred.”

To her amazement, Kiyone didn’t even see the two move. One second, they were facing her, the next second, their backs were to her, as they both had their zanpakuto out and ready to guard if Uryu Ishida was to get any closer to them.

“Who are you?” Byakuya demanded, straight and to the point.

“My name is Ishida Uryuu,” The Quincy introduced himself, “A Quincy.” Seeing the tensing of their shoulders, he continued, “You know what I am, then. But ignore that. To answer your question, around six hundred Hollows came to Karakura. I purified five hundred, she purified around a hundred.”

Kiyone blinked. Had it really been that many. Then she blinked again. Ishida had killed over five hundred Hollows? Even though she had the idea that he was good, that number was still...

“Impressive,” The Kido Corps Captain said, “It’s almost a shame that we had to kill most of the Quincies off before. If only bows were adaptable to our zanpakutos,” He let out an audible sigh, then jerked up again, "Wait, purify?"

"Yes, purify," and Kiyone could practically hear the gloating in Ishida's voice. "It came too late for the rest of my clan," There was the black humour now, "But I finally devised a method to destroy Hollows and turn them back into Pluses instead of destroying the soul."

Kiyone imagined the Kido Corps Captain having wide-eyes under his mask. "Oh wow. Five hundred Hollows...it was less than half an hour since we were made aware of this city being invaded by Hollows, so that many in such a short time..."

Byakuya barked at his comrade, “You’re getting off-topic here,” He refocused his gaze on Ishida. “I appreciate that you defended this city from so many Hollows, but even if you are telling the truth about your arrows, I will have to ask you to desist your activities from now on.” For the first time in the conversation, he shuddered, “There is...a man, in our society. He is a...”

“Mad scientist?” The other man suggested.

“Yes, mad scientist,” Byakuya agreed, his lip curled up, presumably offended at having to use such a term. “He experiments with live test subjects, and that includes prisoners of the state. I warn you now, do not persist in fighting Hollows, or we will be forced to apprehend you, and that man will eventually get you in his grasp. It is a worse fate than mere execution.”

Ishida had followed the conversation and byplay from the Kido Corps Captain for the while, but now he decided to take advantage of the break in conversation. Pressing two fingers up against his glassless nose for a second, he spoke, “It is not just killing Hollows I am proficient at. I am also a good sensor, and I can, for lack of a better term, smell certain things. My ancestors have left several interesting trinkets behind, and have even labeled some of their purposes. So I will ask only once, and you should be prepared to answer,” Kiyone could tell he was angry. What he was about to say wasn’t good, “Why in the name of the Buddha does Karakura reek of Hollow Bait?”

Both men froze at that as the Quincy had outdone them in the war of words with the revelation. Byakuya was the first to speak. “That’s classif-“

The other, shorter man cut him off. “Sorry Byakuya, but when it comes to that, I have the higher authority here to make the decision. And I think the boy, Ishida-san," He amended, apparently respecting the Quincy enough to call him by name, "Has a right to know.” The noble captain choked and swung around, a red tinge on his face, and made to speak before stopping. After his mouth stayed open for several seconds, he finally closed it, but he definitely looked unhappy.

The Kido Corps Captain continued, looking at Ishida, while Kiyone listed in from behind them, fascinated, as she removed herself from the wall and walked around to their sides. “That same mad scientist has a large laboratory, and he zealously guards his secrets. He has a lot of traps to guard his lab, some of them really bad. There was an intruder only an hour ago, who tripped one of the traps."

“And what does this have to do with Karakura smelling like Hollow Bait?” Ishida asked impatiently. He looked like he might have crossed his arms and tapped his foot if not for the bow still in his right hand.

“Our mad scientist developed, I guess a virus would be the best thing to call it, a non-contagious one,” The midget captain stated in response. “It doesn’t infect the person like a poison, but instead it makes her flesh smell just like Hollow bait. The intent was that if she was to escape, she would be hounded by Hollows for the rest of her life. We pursued the intruder through several dimensions, and we got a lucky shot off her at one point. But every place she went to attracted Hollows as well. We had to leave small squadrons at each spot, but she was worn down too. She's probably bleeding and sweating heavily by now, and I was told blood and sweat attract Hollows even more. Hence,” He pointed at the still-open Kumon, "This, since she likely fled to here just recently. The only way she could decontaminate was to come back to Seireitei, and answer to the Central 46 at the same time while she’s there. As long as she remains in Karakura, more and more Hollows will come through Kumon gates. She just smells too irresistible to them.”

“If she lasts long enough,” Byakuya reminded him, finally interjecting himself back into the conversation. “She did take some major damage there.”

“I don’t really have a choice, do I now?” A feminine voice came from behind them, and as one, all four spun around.

The one who had spoken was a lady, skin the colour of chocolate-brown, yellow feline eyes and purple hair, somebody it was impossible to forget after seeing once, and Kiyone had seen her several times, over a century ago. She was tall, but currently staggered, her body bent at the waist. Her clothes had probably once been white, but nobody could tell with the red stains that were all over the fabric, and mottles of blood were even in her hair and on her face. Kiyone noted with bile forming up in her throat that while the lady was holding her shirt against her torso, her left arm seemed to be pressing too deeply into her body. She was very clearly missing a large chunk of her side.

“To prevent any more Hollows from coming, you’ll have to take me in, Little Byakuya,” The woman continued, before coughing, hacking up red into her remaining untainted sleeve. Her eyes seemed to be losing focus, as she was clearly approaching death.

The masked man moved, and in an instant, multiple seals were all over the woman’s skin, and a collar around her neck.

Byakuka’s eyes were smouldering, a fire in them that seemed to have sustained itself the lifetime of a star, the fingers on his zanpakuto turning white as his haori. Nevertheless, he didn’t move, merely talked, his voice intoning his words as if he had recited them a hundred times in preparation for this moment, “Shihoin Yoruichi, you are under arrest, and will be brought to the Central 46 to answer for your alleged crimes. You have been charged with eight counts of breaking out tainted prisoners, two counts of breaking out prisoners, six counts of property destruction, three counts of theft, two counts of spying, treachery against Seireitei, and,” Here, he choked, sputtering for a second, before continuing, “The attempted murder of Thirteenth Division Unseated Officer Kuchiki Rukia.”


-=-=-=-

Just a touch over 4,000 words and plot twist at the end!

With regards to the snippet before this one, I made a few minor edits here and there. The only one of substance was removing a direct mention of Ukitake’s name. There’s an effect, I think, to always having him referred to as ‘the captain’ and so on.

Something that might come up is ‘Why didn’t Yoruichi just go into the conveniently Orihime-h4xed school?’ Because Seireitei already basically knew she was in Karakura due to the Hollow invasion and would have ended up tearing the city apart if the trail went dead there. And unless you can find Orihime right away she did have injuries.

The Kido Corps Captain is one of up to three possible reoccuring OCs. After seeing how bloody badass Hachigan is in the manga (and even Tessai to a lesser extent), you wonder why there isn't anybody cool from the present Kido Corps. Well now there will be! (He's also my trump card to fix plot holes where necessary)

I tried some metaphor in this snippet, which I don't usually do, so that may result in some odd metaphors here.
 

Knyght

The Collector
#34
Ze plot has thickened, no?

I think the opening paragraph should be rephrased; the reference to "dryness" doesn't sound right. I'd say something like: "The air was bone dry. Not because of the weather but because of the scent that all Hollows carried from their home in the endless desert under the eternal night.//The wind reeked of it."

"But she was getting off-track, she realised, daring to daydream in the middle of a battle, nay, a one-person war." - I'd axe out that part; either call it a battle or a one person/woman war. I don't think that kind of self-correction works well in such a serious environment unless you take it a bit further e.g. "...in the middle of a battle.//No, she thought as she watched the masses of Hollows draw nearer, this wasn't a battle but a one-person war."

I'm ambivalent about the Kido Corps Captain. Good to see something completely unused in canon come to play but I'm not sure this is the type of situation he should become involved in. I suppose it depends on his exact purpose here in-story.
 

seitora

Well-Known Member
#35
I'll give that stuff a look-over once I finish classes, thanks.
 

seitora

Well-Known Member
#36
Made some edits here and there.

@knight504

I did originally have a reason for the Kido Corps Captain to be part of the group sent to Karakura since I have him specifically in my notes. Unfortunately, those notes are several months old so I've forgotten a few of the plot intricacies, so I'll just say that it made sense to send somebody who can do Kido h4x to capture somebody who's good at Shunpo.


I still need a title for this fic, but that's not really top priority now. I would prefer to have something that feels right to me since I think I'll post the first few snippets as a working first chapter on FFN soon.

...now unfortunate news for you, my Death Note box set finally arrived so it's time to hunker down, reread and probably end up writing a couple of one-shots for the series (holy moly, there are people who actually WRITE on this forum? Stop the presses!)

(Also, post, all you lurkers! Give my ego a big fat boost!)
 

zeebee1

Well-Known Member
#37
Geki doesn't work like that. It attempts to paralyze, but it doesn't crush. Granted, it was only used once, so it's possible that Rukia didn't have enough power to create the result you envisioned.
 

Spectrum

Well-Known Member
#38
seitora said:
Taking out her zanpakuto, she effortlessly glided past the first Hollow she spotted, a menacing spherical ambonination that was dark blue and mottled purple.
'abomination'

seitora said:
“The seated ranks of the 13th Division operate differently than most of the other divisions. There, they have a 1st seat, their captain a 2nd seat, their lieutenant, a 3rd seat, a 4th seat, and so on. Here, we stop at 10th seat.”
Phrasing is a little awkward to my eye for that middle sentence. Would perhaps suggest something like "Below the captain and the lieutenant, the first and second seats, the numbered seats continue down the line through third, fourth, and so on. Our division stops at the tenth seat."

seitora said:
She had no time to relax, as the Hollow went back down on all four feets, and charged.
'feet'

seitora said:
“My name is Ishida Uryuu,” The Quincy introduced himself, “A Quincy.” Seeing the tensing of their shoulders, he continued, “I see you know what I am. But ignore that, around six hundred Hollows came to Karakura. I killed five hundred, she killed around a hundred.”
Quibble: Ishida may want to use a term other than 'kill' here if he's trying to reinforce the whole purifying aspect he can now also do?

seitora said:
The one who had spoken was a lady, skin the colour of chocolate-brown, yellow feline eyes and purple hair, somebody it was impossible to forget after seeing once, and Kiyone had seen her several times, over a century ago. She was tall, but currently staggered, her body bent at the waist. Her clothes had probably once been white, but nobody could tell with the red stains that were all over the fabric, and mottles of blood were even in her hair and on her face. Kiyone noted with bile forming up in her throat that while the lady was holding her shirt against her torso, her left arm seemed to be pressing too deeply into her body. She was very clearly missing a large chunk of her side.
*tilts head*

Considering Yoruichi was singlehandedly trolling the entire 2nd Division in canon, I do have to wonder what you had her run into to actually do damage to her. (I really don't have *that* much respect for 12th Div...so...yeah.)
 

Knyght

The Collector
#39
seitora said:
“The seated ranks of the 13th Division operate differently than most of the other divisions. There, they have a 1st seat, their captain a 2nd seat, their lieutenant, a 3rd seat, a 4th seat, and so on. Here, we stop at 10th seat.”
Phrasing is a little awkward to my eye for that middle sentence. Would perhaps suggest something like "Below the captain and the lieutenant, the first and second seats, the numbered seats continue down the line through third, fourth, and so on. Our division stops at the tenth seat."[/quote]

I think I'd cut that down even further and replace it with "The other divisions have 20 seats for their ranked officers but here, we stop at ten."
 

seitora

Well-Known Member
#40
Alright, I made some grammar changes and also reworded that part about the seated officers structure.

I also added in some more lines here and there and changed a few words around as suggested. Below in bold are either word changes or entirely new sentences.


seitora said:
“My name is Ishida Uryuu,” The Quincy introduced himself, “A Quincy.” Seeing the tensing of their shoulders, he continued, “You know what I am, then. But ignore that. To answer your question, around six hundred Hollows came to Karakura. I purified five hundred, she purified around a hundred.”

Kiyone blinked. Had it really been that many. Then she blinked again. Ishida had killed over five hundred Hollows? Even though she had the idea that he was good, that number was still...

“Impressive,” The Kido Corps Captain said, “It’s almost a shame that we had to kill most of the Quincies off before. If only bows were adaptable to our zanpakutos,” He let out an audible sigh, then jerked up again, "Wait, purify?"

"Yes, purify," and Kiyone could practically hear the gloating in Ishida's voice. "It came too late for the rest of my clan," There was the black humour now, "But I finally devised a method to destroy Hollows and turn them back into Pluses instead of destroying the soul."

Kiyone imagined the Kido Corps Captain having wide-eyes under his mask. "Oh wow. Five hundred Hollows...it was less than half an hour since we were made aware of this city being invaded by Hollows, so that many in such a short time..."


Byakuya barked at his comrade, “You’re getting off-topic here,” He refocused his gaze on Ishida. “I appreciate that you defended this city from so many Hollows, but even if you are telling the truth about your arrows, I will have to ask you to desist your activities from now on.” For the first time in the conversation, he shuddered, “There is...a man, in our society. He is a...”


seitora said:
Both men froze at that as the Quincy had outdone them in the war of words with the revelation. Byakuya was the first to speak. “That’s classif-“

The other, shorter man cut him off. “Sorry Byakuya, but when it comes to that, I have the higher authority here to make the decision. And I think the boy, Ishida-san,"

seitora said:
“Our mad scientist developed, I guess a virus would be the best thing to call it, a non-contagious one,” The midget captain stated in response. “It doesn’t infect the person like a poison, but instead it makes her flesh smell just like Hollow bait. The intent was that if she was to escape, she would be hounded by Hollows for the rest of her life. We pursued the intruder through several dimensions, and we got a lucky shot off her at one point. But every place she went to attracted Hollows as well. We had to leave small squadrons at each spot, but she was worn down too. She's probably bleeding and sweating heavily by now, and I was told blood and sweat attract Hollows even more. Hence,” He pointed at the still-open Kumon, "This, since she likely fled to here just recently. The only way she could decontaminate was to come back to Seireitei, and answer to the Central 46 at the same time while she’s there. As long as she remains in Karakura, more and more Hollows will come through Kumon gates. She just smells too irresistible to them.”

That last part, you can assume that possibly a captain or lieutenant or two was also helping to pursue Yoruichi and got pressed to stay behind and clear out Hollow nests, hence why there's only Byakuya and Kido Corps guy here to capture a state-wanted fugitive.

Also I finally posted the first five scenes (four snippet posts) on FFN!
 

Spectrum

Well-Known Member
#42
Good changes.

Couple more thoughts:
1) If given time, I imagine Yoruichi could have found Orihime and since Orihime's healing is actually time hax, she could probably have cleared the virus as well. That leaves leading a Hollow bait trail to, well, anywhere else, which doesn't strike me as out of Urahara's talents.

2) I know Byakuya's being all personal there at the end and it's supposed to be a shocker to the readers, but him naming her specifically in light of how formal he is with the other charges strikes me as off. It should probably be "The attempted murder of <Division>, <Seat> Kuchiki Rukia." at the least or really just not mention her by name at all and say "attempted murder of a seated officer".
 

zeebee1

Well-Known Member
#43
With the fact that the unnamed vice-captain of Kiyone's division being unlikable you should assume that their are currently unknown changes in Soul Society. Byakuya being closer to his sister, even if only a little, is reasonable.
 

Spectrum

Well-Known Member
#44
zeebee1 said:
With the fact that the unnamed vice-captain of Kiyone's division being unlikable you should assume that their are currently unknown changes in Soul Society. Byakuya being closer to his sister, even if only a little, is reasonable.
That's not the issue, it's the break/change in specificity from all those counts of her crimes to naming Rukia specifically as the victim in the last one. It should really be just "attempted murder" or "attempted murder of a Shinigami" or "attempted murder of a seated officer" or whatever. Comparatively, none of her other crimes (property destruction in particular applies here) are listed out as to what specifically she did.

(Though the tainted prisoners and prisoners are obviously the Vizored and Urahara and Tessai.)
 

zeebee1

Well-Known Member
#45
The summary suggests that everything is about Urahara coming up with a plan, so I doubt he was captured. I still think that you are underestimating howdifferent events can change people. As far as we know Hisana is still alive and Rukia is Byakuya's sister in law.
 

Spectrum

Well-Known Member
#46
zeebee1 said:
The summary suggests that everything is about Urahara coming up with a plan, so I doubt he was captured. I still think that you are underestimating howdifferent events can change people. As far as we know Hisana is still alive and Rukia is Byakuya's sister in law.
AFAIK, Urahara, Tessai, and the Vizored were all originally imprisoned way back when Aizen framed him and then Yoruichi broke them all out.

Actually, no, it's not about whether Byakuya has a different relationship with Rukia, it's the change in crime specificity. If anything, it one wanted to demonstrate a closer relationship than in canon while keeping the specificity change, he could instead say "the attempted murder of my sister". As it stands, I feel it reads as a random and awkward name drop.
 

seitora

Well-Known Member
#47
I've gotta hold some things close to my chest.
 

zeebee1

Well-Known Member
#48
Yes, she broke them out in canon. But that was much earlier. Though the numbers do match.
 

Spectrum

Well-Known Member
#49
zeebee1 said:
Yes, she broke them out in canon. But that was much earlier. Though the numbers do match.
Well, they knew it was her, it's not like they had the chance to actually arrest her back then. And with no statute of limitations, it's not like those crimes were going to go away, right?
 

zeebee1

Well-Known Member
#50
I guess. But some of those crimes sound new. They wouldn't send two captains after her if her only less than a century old crimes were destruction of property and a case of attempted murder on a girl with no significant position in their armed forces.
 
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