Bleach Boredom

B

Berserkslash

Well-Known Member
#1
#1
First fanfiction and only second post so tell me if it's too horible.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
...
What the hell?
....I mean, really...
Was that all it really took?
......
After all those exciting kills...
.....did his really have to be so....
Boring.
Step forward while he is watching that orange kid.
Just one command.
And that's it?

..........Haaah

Stepping forward slowly and surely, listening to his speach to the kid laying defeated at his feet.
Anouncing my presence and intention in one I call out to him.
"Oi, Aizen-Taicho, I told you what would happen when I got bored of playing your game."
"Ikorose, Shinsou."
He doesn't even get to finish turning around before he is skewered through the back and Soul Sleep in one stab.
Hmm, he looks surprised, I watch as the usual and almost unperceivable light leaves his eyes
and his face left frozen in shock.
Looking around, I take the orb 'that' guy was so interested in and start walking calmly away.
Just as I leave, I tell the kid just now getting up.
"See you around,hope your death will be less boring!"

Hmm.......
Wonder if there is anything interesting going on in that America place?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
There it is, got the Idea for it last night while trying to sleep and thought what the hell
might as well post it, though it is kinda small. Oh well.
 
B

byakuryuu

Well-Known Member
#2
#2
Berserkslash said:
First fanfiction and only second post so tell me if it's too horible.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
...
What the hell?
....I mean, really...
Was that all it really took?
......
After all those exciting kills...
.....did his really have to be so....
Boring.
Step forward while he is watching that orange kid.
Just one command.
And that's it?

..........Haaah

Stepping forward slowly and surely, listening to his speach to the kid laying defeated at his feet.
Anouncing my presence and intention in one I call out to him.
"Oi, Aizen-Taicho, I told you what would happen when I got bored of playing your game."
"Ikorose, Shinsou."
He doesn't even get to finish turning around before he is skewered through the back and Soul Sleep in one stab.
Hmm, he looks surprised, I watch as the usual and almost unperceivable light leaves his eyes
and his face left frozen in shock.
Looking around, I take the orb 'that' guy was so interested in and start walking calmly away.
Just as I leave, I tell the kid just now getting up.
"See you around,hope your death will be less boring!"

Hmm.......
Wonder if there is anything interesting going on in that America place?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
There it is, got the Idea for it last night while trying to sleep and thought what the hell
might as well post it, though it is kinda small. Oh well.
Click to expand...
The idea and execution are both poorly employed in this piece. I would qualify this as a drabble, but the way you've made this happen makes this seem as though it's an incomplete story. You tried to employ multiple uses of diction for effect and ended coming up short. All in all, a poor effort, but possible to be improved upon. Expend ideas, lock down concepts and execute.

Also, the formatting wasn't so hot either. Might want to use double-spacing when posting on the internet. Makes it easier to read.

Do some research on writing styles and expand your grammar. No doubt you'll see an improvement.
 
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