This is my work in progress chapter 5 of Brother's Keeper. Because it is a WIP, that means that I have NOT proofed it yet, and so grammar mistakes are to be expected. 
h43r: Of course, grammar mistakes are not the only thing I'm concerned about at this juncture. Others include characterization and word usages is another factor as well. My current concern is that, a few of the lines sound iffy to me even at this 'unproofed' stage. In this case, I might make changes to it at a later time (like, maybe later today). Still, I'd like to see reaction and some opinions on what I have now before continuing. That way, if I'm going off the rails, I'll find out before I get too far into it.
As always, a word of warning of course that this IS a darkfic. While not quite there yet, well, I'll just tell you now before you come running to me saying how I scared your virgin mind. :snigger:
Outside Keitaro and NaruÆs Apartment
ôWait, wait, wait!ö Ishikawa said in a dazed tone. ôIÆm the authority here. YouÆre supposed to be at most, observers. This isàö
ôAnd I suppose you are already doing that right?ö Haruka glared the inspector with a questioning cold glance.
Ishikawa sank his knees a bit from HarukaÆs intense stare. ôWell, no butàö
ôThen what are you waiting for?ö Haruka said in a slightly elevated voice that was in opposition to her unusual for her normally mellow personality. ôOr are you saying that you canÆt handle a simple procedural matter like that right Inspector?ö Haruka crossed her arms to emphasize the point. ôOr does your honor mean that little to you?ö
ôUm, uhà no.ö Ishikawa quickly said. Although he was taken aback by the notion that Haruka go so far as bring up his æhonorÆ, at the same time, she did have a point that this should have been standard procedure during a missing case investigation. ôIÆllà get on it right now!ö
Haruka watched Ishikawa trotted off to his underlings in order to his subordinates before she took out another cigarette, placed it on her lips, and lit it with a lighter she always seemed to have handy at a time like this. After she took a long drag, she eyed the Hinata Sou residences behind her.
All stared at her with an astonished expression.
ôWhat?ö Haruka calmly replied as she removed the cigarette from her mouth and blew whiff of smoke out of the corner of her mouth.
ôEhàö Kitsune frantically waved her arms in front of her, hoping to not incur the æwrathÆ of Haruka. ôNothing! Nothing! I meanàö While she herself hasnÆt really seen a different side of Haruka besides her, cool demeanor that seemed to be her only expression that she allowed to show. Well, when it did not have to do with Keitaro calling her æauntÆ, or when she and Seta had issues to deal with before they made up.
Haruka stared at Kitsune with her standard calm demeanor. ôMy nephew and his wife are missing. How would I be able to face my brother if I told him I didnÆt do everything in my power to find them?ö
ôWellàö Motoko rubbed the side of her gi nervously. ôYou could always say that you left it to the police and that it was up to them.ö
ôI could.ö Haruka said as she took her cigarette and dropped it on the floor. ôBut it doesnÆt mean that I still couldnÆt have done something.ö Once the cigarette hits the ground, Haruka stomped and crushed it.
-Meanwhileà
Unknown Location û Dining Room
ôDid you find the dinner much enjoyable?ö Kanako said as she tapped the side of her mouth with a cloth napkin.
ôI um, yeah! It was very good!ö Keitaro said quickly. While it was quite delicious Keitaro would admit, at the same time, he was not in the mood to enjoy it that much. This was especially true given the lingering issue about the location and safety of his wife Naru. Not to mention KanakoÆs sudden reappearance, her evasive answers to KeitaroÆs many lingering questions, and what and where exactly this place was.
ôIÆm glad you like it!ö Kanako clapped her hands and smiled. She then stood up from her chair. ôIf you will excuse me, I have someà preparations I have to do right now. WeÆll be catching up later oniichan! Byeeeeeeee.ö Kanako gave a quickly wave before she departed through the double doors that were situated behind her, pausing only to give a quick whisper to one of the maids next to her. The Japanese looking maid quickly followed her while the Russian looking maid stayed in the room.
ôWait!ö Keitaro bolted from his chair and jogged his way towards where door. Right before he could reach it however, the Russian maid stepped in front of him blocking his path. Given KeitaroÆs luck, he was too late in stopping and wound up crashing right into her.
ôOft.ö Keitaro shook his head at what felt like very soft cotton material. Though it felt much softer than it should be. æUhà what theàÆ KeitaroÆs eyes suddenly shot open as he realized where his head was resting on. ôIIIIIEEEEEEEE!!!ö In a flash, he got off of the maid stood up, and bowed many times. ôIÆm sorry, IÆm sorry, IÆm sorry, IÆm sorry! I didnÆt mean it!ö
ôItÆsà okay.ö The maid said as she slowly stood up from her location. ôIt was my fault for standing in your way.ö
ôNonono! I should have stopped! I mean I wasnÆt trying toàö Keitaro suddenly paused as he an image of NaruÆs beautiful face popped into his head. While he normally feared it when something like this happened, he suddenly began to miss the accusation of perversion followed by a punch that sends him on a an aerial trip over Hinata. ôI mean, I just wanted to speak to my sister. ThatÆs all.ö
ôIÆm sorry Master Keitaro. Master Kanako wishes not to be disturbed right now.ö The maid said nodding. ôHowever, she wants show your room from now on.ö
ôRoom from now on?ö Keitaro repeated, confused with the word usage. ôWhat do you mean by æfrom now onÆ?ö
The maid simply stepped into the hallway without answering him. Seeing that he did not know how big this mansion was, and did not want to get lost in such a mysterious and strange place, he followed the maid without saying another word.
Unknown Location û Hallway
ôIÆll show you to your room now Master Keitaro.ö The Russian maid said as she led Keitaro down the darken hallway. Lit only by the ornate wall lights that appeared to be hand crafted by a skilled blacksmith somewhere in medieval Europe, and then imported here to Japan by some rich socialite.
Of course how this place fell into the hands of Kanako was still a mystery to him.
Keitaro eyes darted from corner to corner. The gothic feel of the hallway did nothing to calm his frayed nerves. Not to mention the millions of questions that was going around inside his head. ôUm,ö Keitaro sounded, grabbing the attention of the maid. ôI amà ummà Maid-san? Umà youàö
ôAgafia.ö The maid quietly said.
ôHuh?ö Keitaro said, stunned by the sudden response.
ôMy name is Agafia. Agafia Svjatoslava, Mà màmaster Urashima.ö The maid reiterated.
ôUmmà heheheàö Keitaro laughed nervously as the atmosphere began to thicken a bit again. ôOkay Agafia-san?ö
ôYes Master Keitaro?ö Agafia said. She looked nervously at Keitaro.
æSheÆs more nervous than I am!Æ Keitaro surmised as he viewed the girlÆs eyes. Keitaro took a big gulp before continuing. ôUm, well, you can stop calling me Master now! I mean Iàö
Agafia shuffled her feet a bit. ôBut that is what Master Kanakoàö
ôPlease! IÆm notà comfortable being referred to as Master!ö Keitaro gave a wide smile in the hopes of calming the maid down. ôYou can just call me Keitaro!ö
ôOkayà Keitaroàö Agafia shifted her eyes a bit.
Any hope Keitaro had that the tension in the hallway would be lifted appeared to be premature. ôWellà um, about this Master thing umàö KeitaroÆs eyes wondered to the elaborate hallway and the medieval looking paintings hanging on the wall. He decided to ask the question that had been nagging him since he first woke up here. ôWhatà is all this? WhatÆs going on?ö
Agafia stared at Keitaro confused. ôThis is a houseàö
ôUh eh!ö Keitaro frantically waved his hands in front of him after he would admit was a fairly lame opening question. ôNononono! ThatÆs not what I meant. Hehehe. I meanà what does this house have to do with Kanako and, what exactly is going on here?ö
ôYou do not know?ö Agafia said in a questioning tone. ôThis mansion has been owned by the Urashima family for generations.ö
ôItà has?ö Keitaro said amazed. He then reexamined his surroundings, noted all of the expensive looking furniture and ornaments, and quickly shook his head. ôYouÆre saying that our familyà owns all this? I know Grandma was quite well off butà butà no way our family owns all this! I mean my father was a baker and um... And all Grandma owned was the Hinata Sou! That was where she got her money right?ö
ôHmmmàö Agafia said as she looked down at her hands. ôPerhaps I have said too muchàö
ôHuh?ö Keitaro raised an eyebrow at Russian girlÆs answer.
ôMaybeà maybeà maybeàö Agafia shifted her eyes to the side. ôMaybe Master Kanako wanted to tell you in person about this. All about æyour familyÆ.ö
Keitaro continued to blink in surprise as he tried to wrap his mind around this latest revelation. æMy family? I admit I donÆt know much about our history butàÆ ôExactly what is going on?ö
Agafia lightly shook her head again. ôThat is for Master Kanako to disclose. Ià she gave specific orders that she will be the one to tell you personally.ö
Keitaro stared at Agafia bewildered. ôDisclose? Can you at least tell me where I am?ö
Agafia shook her head. ôAgain, Master Kanako will explain everything in due time.ö
ôI see. I guess.ö Keitaro said disconcerted. ôCan Ià can you at least tell me where the nearest phone is? I need to tell the others that IÆm safe. IÆm sure theyÆre worried about me.ö
To his surprise, Agafia shook her head again. ôI am not supposed to allow you to contact anyone on the outside.ö
ôWhat?ö Keitaro burst out. ôWhy?ö
ôMaster KanakoÆs orders.ö Agafia simply said.
ôButà butà why would she bar me from talking to anyone on the outside?ö Keitaro said, now even more perplexed about his situation than before. ôI mean, I just want to tell them IÆm alright andàö
ôMaster Kanako just wants you to be safe Keitaro-san.ö Agafia replied. Her eyes shifted to the side nervously. ôShe is concerned that the people that would want to hurt you might discover that you are here.ö
ôPeople that would hurt me?ö KeitaroÆs chin began to quiver. He suddenly flashed back to the time when he first entered his apartment. The state his apartment was in, the holes in the wall, the eerie silence, and the red drops that he now fears were drops of blood. He quickly shut out the voice that would even suggest that it was NaruÆs blood he saw.
Agafia nodded lightly. ôDo not be concerned, for Master KanakoÆs is deeply concerned about your safety, and will not let any harm come to you.ö She turned her head towards the darkened hallway. ôNow please follow me. IÆll show you where your room isàö
ôOàokay.ö Keitaro responded nervously. His safety however, was not the one he was immediately concerned about. æNaruàÆ
-------
Questions, comments, concern? Tell me.
h43r: Of course, grammar mistakes are not the only thing I'm concerned about at this juncture. Others include characterization and word usages is another factor as well. My current concern is that, a few of the lines sound iffy to me even at this 'unproofed' stage. In this case, I might make changes to it at a later time (like, maybe later today). Still, I'd like to see reaction and some opinions on what I have now before continuing. That way, if I'm going off the rails, I'll find out before I get too far into it. As always, a word of warning of course that this IS a darkfic. While not quite there yet, well, I'll just tell you now before you come running to me saying how I scared your virgin mind. :snigger:
Outside Keitaro and NaruÆs Apartment
ôWait, wait, wait!ö Ishikawa said in a dazed tone. ôIÆm the authority here. YouÆre supposed to be at most, observers. This isàö
ôAnd I suppose you are already doing that right?ö Haruka glared the inspector with a questioning cold glance.
Ishikawa sank his knees a bit from HarukaÆs intense stare. ôWell, no butàö
ôThen what are you waiting for?ö Haruka said in a slightly elevated voice that was in opposition to her unusual for her normally mellow personality. ôOr are you saying that you canÆt handle a simple procedural matter like that right Inspector?ö Haruka crossed her arms to emphasize the point. ôOr does your honor mean that little to you?ö
ôUm, uhà no.ö Ishikawa quickly said. Although he was taken aback by the notion that Haruka go so far as bring up his æhonorÆ, at the same time, she did have a point that this should have been standard procedure during a missing case investigation. ôIÆllà get on it right now!ö
Haruka watched Ishikawa trotted off to his underlings in order to his subordinates before she took out another cigarette, placed it on her lips, and lit it with a lighter she always seemed to have handy at a time like this. After she took a long drag, she eyed the Hinata Sou residences behind her.
All stared at her with an astonished expression.
ôWhat?ö Haruka calmly replied as she removed the cigarette from her mouth and blew whiff of smoke out of the corner of her mouth.
ôEhàö Kitsune frantically waved her arms in front of her, hoping to not incur the æwrathÆ of Haruka. ôNothing! Nothing! I meanàö While she herself hasnÆt really seen a different side of Haruka besides her, cool demeanor that seemed to be her only expression that she allowed to show. Well, when it did not have to do with Keitaro calling her æauntÆ, or when she and Seta had issues to deal with before they made up.
Haruka stared at Kitsune with her standard calm demeanor. ôMy nephew and his wife are missing. How would I be able to face my brother if I told him I didnÆt do everything in my power to find them?ö
ôWellàö Motoko rubbed the side of her gi nervously. ôYou could always say that you left it to the police and that it was up to them.ö
ôI could.ö Haruka said as she took her cigarette and dropped it on the floor. ôBut it doesnÆt mean that I still couldnÆt have done something.ö Once the cigarette hits the ground, Haruka stomped and crushed it.
-Meanwhileà
Unknown Location û Dining Room
ôDid you find the dinner much enjoyable?ö Kanako said as she tapped the side of her mouth with a cloth napkin.
ôI um, yeah! It was very good!ö Keitaro said quickly. While it was quite delicious Keitaro would admit, at the same time, he was not in the mood to enjoy it that much. This was especially true given the lingering issue about the location and safety of his wife Naru. Not to mention KanakoÆs sudden reappearance, her evasive answers to KeitaroÆs many lingering questions, and what and where exactly this place was.
ôIÆm glad you like it!ö Kanako clapped her hands and smiled. She then stood up from her chair. ôIf you will excuse me, I have someà preparations I have to do right now. WeÆll be catching up later oniichan! Byeeeeeeee.ö Kanako gave a quickly wave before she departed through the double doors that were situated behind her, pausing only to give a quick whisper to one of the maids next to her. The Japanese looking maid quickly followed her while the Russian looking maid stayed in the room.
ôWait!ö Keitaro bolted from his chair and jogged his way towards where door. Right before he could reach it however, the Russian maid stepped in front of him blocking his path. Given KeitaroÆs luck, he was too late in stopping and wound up crashing right into her.
ôOft.ö Keitaro shook his head at what felt like very soft cotton material. Though it felt much softer than it should be. æUhà what theàÆ KeitaroÆs eyes suddenly shot open as he realized where his head was resting on. ôIIIIIEEEEEEEE!!!ö In a flash, he got off of the maid stood up, and bowed many times. ôIÆm sorry, IÆm sorry, IÆm sorry, IÆm sorry! I didnÆt mean it!ö
ôItÆsà okay.ö The maid said as she slowly stood up from her location. ôIt was my fault for standing in your way.ö
ôNonono! I should have stopped! I mean I wasnÆt trying toàö Keitaro suddenly paused as he an image of NaruÆs beautiful face popped into his head. While he normally feared it when something like this happened, he suddenly began to miss the accusation of perversion followed by a punch that sends him on a an aerial trip over Hinata. ôI mean, I just wanted to speak to my sister. ThatÆs all.ö
ôIÆm sorry Master Keitaro. Master Kanako wishes not to be disturbed right now.ö The maid said nodding. ôHowever, she wants show your room from now on.ö
ôRoom from now on?ö Keitaro repeated, confused with the word usage. ôWhat do you mean by æfrom now onÆ?ö
The maid simply stepped into the hallway without answering him. Seeing that he did not know how big this mansion was, and did not want to get lost in such a mysterious and strange place, he followed the maid without saying another word.
Unknown Location û Hallway
ôIÆll show you to your room now Master Keitaro.ö The Russian maid said as she led Keitaro down the darken hallway. Lit only by the ornate wall lights that appeared to be hand crafted by a skilled blacksmith somewhere in medieval Europe, and then imported here to Japan by some rich socialite.
Of course how this place fell into the hands of Kanako was still a mystery to him.
Keitaro eyes darted from corner to corner. The gothic feel of the hallway did nothing to calm his frayed nerves. Not to mention the millions of questions that was going around inside his head. ôUm,ö Keitaro sounded, grabbing the attention of the maid. ôI amà ummà Maid-san? Umà youàö
ôAgafia.ö The maid quietly said.
ôHuh?ö Keitaro said, stunned by the sudden response.
ôMy name is Agafia. Agafia Svjatoslava, Mà màmaster Urashima.ö The maid reiterated.
ôUmmà heheheàö Keitaro laughed nervously as the atmosphere began to thicken a bit again. ôOkay Agafia-san?ö
ôYes Master Keitaro?ö Agafia said. She looked nervously at Keitaro.
æSheÆs more nervous than I am!Æ Keitaro surmised as he viewed the girlÆs eyes. Keitaro took a big gulp before continuing. ôUm, well, you can stop calling me Master now! I mean Iàö
Agafia shuffled her feet a bit. ôBut that is what Master Kanakoàö
ôPlease! IÆm notà comfortable being referred to as Master!ö Keitaro gave a wide smile in the hopes of calming the maid down. ôYou can just call me Keitaro!ö
ôOkayà Keitaroàö Agafia shifted her eyes a bit.
Any hope Keitaro had that the tension in the hallway would be lifted appeared to be premature. ôWellà um, about this Master thing umàö KeitaroÆs eyes wondered to the elaborate hallway and the medieval looking paintings hanging on the wall. He decided to ask the question that had been nagging him since he first woke up here. ôWhatà is all this? WhatÆs going on?ö
Agafia stared at Keitaro confused. ôThis is a houseàö
ôUh eh!ö Keitaro frantically waved his hands in front of him after he would admit was a fairly lame opening question. ôNononono! ThatÆs not what I meant. Hehehe. I meanà what does this house have to do with Kanako and, what exactly is going on here?ö
ôYou do not know?ö Agafia said in a questioning tone. ôThis mansion has been owned by the Urashima family for generations.ö
ôItà has?ö Keitaro said amazed. He then reexamined his surroundings, noted all of the expensive looking furniture and ornaments, and quickly shook his head. ôYouÆre saying that our familyà owns all this? I know Grandma was quite well off butà butà no way our family owns all this! I mean my father was a baker and um... And all Grandma owned was the Hinata Sou! That was where she got her money right?ö
ôHmmmàö Agafia said as she looked down at her hands. ôPerhaps I have said too muchàö
ôHuh?ö Keitaro raised an eyebrow at Russian girlÆs answer.
ôMaybeà maybeà maybeàö Agafia shifted her eyes to the side. ôMaybe Master Kanako wanted to tell you in person about this. All about æyour familyÆ.ö
Keitaro continued to blink in surprise as he tried to wrap his mind around this latest revelation. æMy family? I admit I donÆt know much about our history butàÆ ôExactly what is going on?ö
Agafia lightly shook her head again. ôThat is for Master Kanako to disclose. Ià she gave specific orders that she will be the one to tell you personally.ö
Keitaro stared at Agafia bewildered. ôDisclose? Can you at least tell me where I am?ö
Agafia shook her head. ôAgain, Master Kanako will explain everything in due time.ö
ôI see. I guess.ö Keitaro said disconcerted. ôCan Ià can you at least tell me where the nearest phone is? I need to tell the others that IÆm safe. IÆm sure theyÆre worried about me.ö
To his surprise, Agafia shook her head again. ôI am not supposed to allow you to contact anyone on the outside.ö
ôWhat?ö Keitaro burst out. ôWhy?ö
ôMaster KanakoÆs orders.ö Agafia simply said.
ôButà butà why would she bar me from talking to anyone on the outside?ö Keitaro said, now even more perplexed about his situation than before. ôI mean, I just want to tell them IÆm alright andàö
ôMaster Kanako just wants you to be safe Keitaro-san.ö Agafia replied. Her eyes shifted to the side nervously. ôShe is concerned that the people that would want to hurt you might discover that you are here.ö
ôPeople that would hurt me?ö KeitaroÆs chin began to quiver. He suddenly flashed back to the time when he first entered his apartment. The state his apartment was in, the holes in the wall, the eerie silence, and the red drops that he now fears were drops of blood. He quickly shut out the voice that would even suggest that it was NaruÆs blood he saw.
Agafia nodded lightly. ôDo not be concerned, for Master KanakoÆs is deeply concerned about your safety, and will not let any harm come to you.ö She turned her head towards the darkened hallway. ôNow please follow me. IÆll show you where your room isàö
ôOàokay.ö Keitaro responded nervously. His safety however, was not the one he was immediately concerned about. æNaruàÆ
-------
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