Bleach Conquistador

Thorn

Well-Known Member
#1
Thorn Presents

Conquistador

NOTE:I don't own Bleach. If I did, I probably wouldn't change anything.

----------------------------
Urahara Kisuke looked down at the orange haired teen in the deep hole he had made for situations just like this.

Actually, he had just made the hole yesterday.

With Ichigo's chain of fate cut, the chain would begin to devour it's self. So he made this hole, a simple 90 degree hole too deep to jump out of and narrow enough to instill a sense of panic. So he had thrown the young Ichigo down into the abyss, giving him the hope of returned power, but sending him into a panic at the possibility of becoming a hollow. He hoped it was enough to motivate the kid. The Hoguyoku; the invention that could blur shinigami and hollow abilities, erase the line between souls and the souless, was at stake. And by that token, the entire universe. Heuco Mundo, Living World, and Soul Society.

The former captain adjusted his hat while fanning himself. For the strongest of souls, it took three days to lose ones soul and he had committed his best friends child to that fate. He kept telling himself that it was worth it. Kami knew, if he could enter Soul Society himself he would have, but his banishment meant that if he so much as stepped into that portal his very soul would be incinerated. But it had been 71 hours and Ichigo hadn't recovered his Shinigami powers yet.

God damn the Kuchiki's. C'mon kid...
----------------------------------
Ichigo tore in vain at the soul eating chain, devouring itÆs way through his own links, so close to his own soul. Hunger, overwhelming hunger and pain were all he felt as he struggled with the monstrosity. His grimace deepened when he realized that his vision was starting to fade. He fought to keep consciousness, to fight and finally achieve the power he had been searching for. He needed it.

Shit, shit , shit! I canÆt lose this now! I still gotta pay back that stuck up ass hole and stupid Sandal-Hat for putting me here.

Suddenly though, all that was gone and all that remained was a blue sky and himself on the side of one of the countless white buildings that surrounded him... The place felt right though. Like he belonged there. He never knew that the side of a building could offer such a view, or be so comfortable.

IchigoÆs eyes widened. Wait a secondàside of a build-

ôAGHHH!ö Ichigo yelped as he clung desperately to a window ledge. As the strawberry haired highschooler looked up he saw a middle aged man standing in front of him. He wore a black trench coat and pushed up sun glasses, a frown on his face. Ichigo felt calmed just looking at him.

ôNo need for that Ichigo. No time either..ö

ôOld man? Who are you?ö Ichigo asked. ôAnd how are you standing?ö

ôWho am I indeed Ichigo. That is what you must discover! I am your zanpakuto. You too can stand, we are inside your mindscape. But all this is about to be warped into an insane ruin.ö

The eldest Kurosaki member didnÆt know why, but he instantly trusted this man. He seemed wise, calm, mature, a no nonsense attitude. It was as though he embodied all that Ichigo strived to be. To Ichigo, he radiated strength.

Boxes started falling towards the ground and the buildings of his mindscape started crumbling.

ôHurry, Ichigo! In one of those boxes you will find me, you will know my name when you discover it. Now go!ö

The young shinigami nodded. He didnÆt need told twice and immediately dove off the building tearing open boxes frantically.

I canÆt become a hollow! Not now! Old manàMy Zanpakuto. I wonÆt fail! For our sake and for all my friends!

Ichigo opened another box, but this time to find the handle of a sword.

"Hurry, pull it out." The older mans calm voice rang out.

But Ichigo hesitated for a split second before pulling out the zanpakuto as the last building collapsed. He expected to be back in his hole, probably garbed in his shinigami attire. He wasnÆt; and all around him echoed insane laughter that reeked of bloodlust as the sky darkenedà
-----------------------------------
UraharaÆs training groundà

ôUrahara-dono! HeÆs completely turned. I will end Kurosaki-sanÆs existence as a hollow.ö Tessai said, only taking a moment to wipe the sweat off his head.

Kisuke put a hand up to the muscled man, still fanning himself calmly.

ôNo. Wait. Ichigo is fighting the transformation. Ichigo isnÆt displaying any of the intelligence even lower level hollowÆs posses. That means the hollowÆs conscious and Ichigo are confronting each other on the inside.ö Kisuke replied looking down at the white muscled body of a hollow Ichigo.

He had spikes running down his spine leading into a tail that looked like it could be quite painful. He had long hair and a mask with yellow eyes shrouded in black and red streaks streaming across the top of it.

BesidesàThe former captain of the twelth division thought. Judging by his form and the power I feel coming from him, heÆs gotta be Vasto Lorde class. If were gonna hold it back then IÆm gonna have to step in àOh man. Isshin is gonna kill me. A single sweat drop ran down the ex-captains forehead.

ôSo what are we fighting then?ö Tessai asked.

ôPure instinct.ö Urahara replied, shrugging of his black robe. ôNow Sing, Benihime!ö

----------------------------------
Ichigo stared around him. What was once the serene blue skied region of his mindscape now laid in ruins. Clouds of the blackest tint loomed over head, the air felt thick with humidity and where buildings stood now fell in a terrible, blackened, smoldering heap. Out of half standing entrances to one of the buildings the outline of a walking figure became visible. The outline exited the field of dust and debris and made its self plain.

Ichigo gasped at a ghostly, malevolent, reflection of himself. The other was completely white and had black eyes with yellow iris'. It didn't take Ichigo long to come to a conclusion as to what the figure was.

My Hollow... He tensed himself for combat, every fiber of his being ready to leap.

ôWell now. AinÆt this a curious out come? Our mindscape is practically demolished. That should leave me in control. And yet there you stand. Oh? And it looks like the old man made it too.ö The pure white version of Ichigo said; a devious smirk on his face to oppose IchigoÆs trademark frown.

ôZangetsu.ö Ichigo stated. ôYou wonÆt take control. With Zangetsu, IÆll make sure of it.ö

The hollow mirror of Ichigo grinned.

ôYea. I guess that makes it you and Zangetsu versus me. But that hardly seems fair now does it?ö Holding out his hand an oppositely colored Zangetsu appeared in the hollows hand.

Ichigo lowered himself into a fighting stance, ZangetsuÆs bandages unraveling from the blade. ôDo you have a name?ö

Hollow Ichigo smiled and started spinning his zanpakuto by the bandages that served as itÆs sheath.

ôMy name? Heh. IÆll tell you my name if you manage to take me down.ö

And the two clashed. Ichigo's eyes widened at the sight of the hollow throwing his zanpakuto at lightning fast speeds.Ichigo batted the blade away, attempting to move inside of the strikes to reach the monster trying to posses him but he was caught of guard by his opponents odd sword play.

Ichigo let his power wash over him as it had with Renji and lept at the Hollow bearing his Zanpakuto down with a roar.

"Theres no way I'm letting you get a hold of my body!" He shouted.

"Yea right. You've been the king far too long. You're a pussy with too much strength! It wasn't meant for you, a coward! I know every fight you've ever been in! Always so fucking afraid of what other people think, worse yet, afraid of hurting any of your enemies too bad. TOO FUCKING AFRAID TO CUT LOOSE!"

The hollow laughed as he drew Zangetsu back to his hand to guard one of IchigoÆs strikes. Strike after strike were parried and doged as the two fought fiercely for control over their physical body.

ôCÆmon Ichigo-kun! Is that all you got? I canÆt wait till I become the king of our power. You wanna know what the first thing IÆm gonna do? IÆm gonna find that busty bitch friend of yours. IÆm gonna take her over and over again just like she wants you to. Then, while sheÆs lying on the floor stuttering ôKurosaki-kunö all pathetically like, wishing youÆd come and save her, IÆll break her little neck right there.ö

The hollow laughed manically as shock washed over IchigoÆs face. The teen had never heard a threat like that...not even by the Hollow he sent to hell. It was a threat to every thing he held dear, to the innocent protection that he gave to everyone he could.

ôThereÆs the face I wanted to see! IÆm glad I managed to wipe that shit faced frown off your face.ö

Ichigo stood stunned by the hollowÆs words before pure rage washed over him and absolute instinct to survive and destroy drove him. He launched himself forward, a battle cry ringing out. He struck out at the hollow with all his strength; launching him into one of the ravaged buildings of their mindscape. From the debris came the hollowÆs daunting laughter. ItÆs zanpakuto shot out from the wreckage, wrapping its chain around Ichigo and cutting him as it swung around.

ôIs that all Ichi-kun? You know your friend Sado? That stupid ox that follows you around so blindly, IÆll use your voice and beg him for help. ôPlease Sado, help me!ö And when the dumbass comes close enough you know what IÆll do? IÆll slowly shove my hand into his intestines and agonizingly, slowly, draw them out and strangle him with them

With a roar of effort Ichigo released a flare of power, releasing him from the hollows grip. He narrowed his eyes in a glare, frowning deeply.

Zangetsuàgive me the power to destroy this monster.

And Ichigo felt a wordless whisper on his ear, but wordless as it was, he knew what the zanpakuto meant. He kept furiously swinging at the hollow, waiting for the right time to heed ZangetsuÆs whisper. But it was more than that little whisper, it was like someone was guiding his hands , helping him defend and counter attack. Ichigo could feel Zangetsu aiding him.

As the two continued slicing at each other, Ichigo punched the Hollow in the face.

ôYou know what I really hate about you? Your stupid smirk! Like every things a game for your satisfaction.ö

Another punch, black blood flew onto IchigoÆs face. A head butt let loose more.

ôLike no one matters for you! Like my sorrow wouldnÆt become part of you and make long for Pops, Yuzu, and Karin!ö

The hollow drove itÆs knee into IchigoÆs stomach, but the young teen held it there, using his position to lift his reflection by the leg and slam him into the concrete ruins.

ôAll the worlds a stage, and the men and women itÆs actors. But your part ends now!ö

Ichigo leapt back at the same time as his hollow and raised his zanpakuto to the blackened sky of his mindscape. Swinging Zangetsu down, he shouted. But so did the hollow.

ôGETSUUGA!ö The two voices rang out and black and white raw power tore through each other to their respective targets.

When the light dimmed down the two stared at their opposite mirror image. Massive holes ran through their chest. The hollow laughed manically from his kneeled position. Ichigo grimaced at the hollow, trying to ignore the massive pain stemming from his wound.

ôWhats so funny?ö The Hollow's laughter grew louder, echoing across the destructed site of their mind.

ôDonÆt you get it idiot? Neither of us win, we both lose. At this rate, weÆll both die. There is a way to live though-ö

ôYour willing to let me live?ö Ichigo asked astoundedly.

ôLet me finish jackass! As if IÆd let just you live. No; for us to get out of this alive, we gotta share. Get it?ö

Ichigo grunted and gave a nod. Whatever it takes to rescue Rukia.

ôWhat will the out come be?ö Ichigo asked, raising himself off the ground.

IchigoÆs dark side smirked again.

ôShit if I know. Obviously some mix of the two of us. Now, Before we do this, my name is-ô
------------------------

Kisuke leapt back as IchigoÆs Hollow form stopped dead in its tracks, letting out a massive roar as itÆs skin starting cracking and falling. The roar became a yell as its mask crumbled, leaving only the upper right portion of the mask, the red stripes spiking out.

With the hulking hollow exterior shed, Ichigo shook the debris off. He took in his clothing.

He wore a black unzipped jacket with white baggy pants. The unzipped jacket revealed a black half hole in his chest, the other half of was pure white.

Ichigo raised his eyebrow, his mouth set straight.His first thought was that his new outfit looked good. The second was that he felt different. He realized that he didnÆt care about hurting those he fought anymore. The desire to protect was still there, but he would no longer protect with conscious thought and adherence as to what people thought about it; he would fight with an absolute ruthlessness. Fuck them if they didnÆt like it. And if he really didnÆt like them, well, then maybe heÆd have a soul for dinner.

Ichigo looked over at Kisuke and grinned.

ôWhat are you lookinÆ at old man?ö

Urahara stared wide eyed.

ôA true arrancaràö He breathed.

ôWait, what? YouÆve seen somethinÆ like this before? Explain Sandal-Hat.ö Ichigo demanded, arms crossed and tapping his foot impatiently.

ôAn arrancar is a hollow who has taken his mask off and stepped into the boundary of shinigami by gaining a zanpakuto. From what I know, no hollow has succeeded before, and if they have, they havenÆt come to the real world.ö The shadowy ex-shinigami explained, fanning himself slowly with one hand as he dawned his robe again.

Ichigo spit. ôTch. IÆm not some hollow whoÆs stepped into shinigami territory or shinigami whoÆs a wannabe hollow. IÆm both. I can do everything both could ever hope to do.ö

Urahara smiled mischievously. ôReally, Kurosaki-kun? Then why donÆt you show me? After all, if youÆve got as much power as you say, then youÆll need the next few days to get a hold of that strength.ö

Ichigo grinned and unfurled Zangetsu from his back. ôYouÆre right, Sandal-Hat. IÆll need all the power I can get if IÆm going to Soul Society to save Rukia.ö

He grimaced as he remembered ByakuyaÆs blade cutting into him rendering him near dead and worse yet; powerless.

Urahara nodded. ôThen letÆs get started.ö He unsheathed Benihime and started to charge Ichigo.

Spinning his zanpakuto in one hand, Ichigo pointed his finger at KisukeÆs approaching form. A red fiery orb grew on the tip of his finger.

ôCero!ö

KisukeÆs eyes grew wide as he stopped his approach to defend.

He immediately launched his massive sword after the powerful hollow attack in hopes to catch the scientist off guard with the double attack. When the smoke cleared Urahara stood unscathed grinning as normal, tapping his shikomizue on his shoulder.

ôImpressive, Kurosaki-san. But how well do you do on the defensive?ö

In a flash Kisuke was in front of Ichigo with Benihime raised to strike.

As he struck however, Ichigo raised his hand and grabbed the sword.

ôAh ah, Urahara. It will take more than a half assed swing like that to cut me.ö

ôOho! Well then, I guess I better stop holding back. Sing, Benihime!ö

But Ichigo countered the crimson wave with his own Getsuuga.

ôAh, so your already aware of how to call out your zanpakutoÆs attack and you fight with such raw instinct. Not afraid to cut me and not afraid of defending. Well then, Kurosaki-san, letÆs move on to lesson two. Shunpo.ö

And then he was gone.

ôWhere the heck did he go? WhatÆs a matter Urahara-san? Scare-ô

IchigoÆs taunting was cut short by the flat of KisukeÆs blade to the side of his head, sending him careening into a mountain.

ôRunning away? No, no, Ichigo. I was within arms length of you the whole time you were talking. Now that youÆve seen shunpo IÆm hardly the person to teach it to you though.ö

Ichigo threw off the rubble on top of him and glared at Urahara.

ôWhatÆre you talking about old man? I need you to teach me now. I gotta know all I can to save Rukia!ö

ôMy,my. You are talky arenÆt you?ö

ôYou will be learning shunpo, and while I may be quite skilled in the area myself; why would I teach you when the Goddess of Flash herself is here?ö

He turned his head towards the ladder leading to his shop and shouted.

ôYoruichi! Please come out to help Kurosaki-san out with his shunpo.ö

Ichigo saw a flash from the top of the ladder a muffled voice called annoyed.

"Hold on. Let me get dressed!"

Ichigo looked questioningly at Kisuke.

"...Tessai getting laid?"

A tan woman with purple hair and yellow eyes jumped down from the ladder. Ichigo couldnÆt help but let his eyes roam over her slim, fit body. She eyed him up for an entirely different reason.

ôThis is that Kurosaki kid right?ö She asked. Urahara nodded.

Yoruichi proceeded to drag Kisuke far out of IchigoÆs hearing before punching him in the face. Her face was set in outrage as she shouted.

ôYou turned IsshinÆs kid into a hollow!? HeÆs gonna kill you! And IÆm gonna help! You donÆt think he lost enough with Masaki!?ö

ôYoruichi!ö Kisuke said powerfully. ôListen to me. HeÆs not entirely hollow. From what I can tell, and what heÆs told me, heÆs neither shinigami nor hollow.ö

The Goddess of Flash tilted her head. ôWhat? Like the Vizard? Or those Arrancar you were researching?ö

He scientist shook his head.

ôHeÆs neither. You saw the hole in his chest; itÆs crescent, like he still has a soul, but the hollow is present too. HeÆs done things IÆve never even heard of Vizard using.ö

ôAnd how is he as a person?ö

ôThatÆs a hard one. HeÆs a lot the same, but he lacks some of the respect he had and from what little we fought heÆs absolutely ruthless. You think Isshin will be angry?ö

Yoruichi closed her eyes and chuckled.

ôIf Ichigo is like you sayàNah. Isshin will probably rave about how his kidÆs the new coolest thing in Seretei. Now letÆs get to his shunpo training. What about the other two you wanted me to train?ö

ôIÆll take them. Ichigo knows all the combat training I can give him right now. ItÆs too early for him to know Bankai.ö

With that, the pair flash stepped back to Ichigo.

ôSoö Yoruichi started. ôUrahara tells me you fancy yourself pretty strong. Let me show you why they call me the Goddess of Flash.ö

Ichigo winked at her and licked his lips. ôI hope itÆs not just for how fast you move.ö

Her only response was a devious smile before Ichigo found himself rocketed off his feet and into the air by a fist in his stomach.

SheÆs even faster than RukiaÆs brother! He realized, spitting out blood.

ôNow.ö Yoruichi started, as if she hadnÆt just punched him. ôThe first step of learning the shunpo technique is concentrating your reiatsu into your feet and legs.ö

Ichigo grinned. ôWait. So how much power do I have to put in to your legs to shunpo?ö

He was replied to with another punch.

Ichigo growled and concentrated reiatsu into his legs. This bitch wouldnÆt get away with hitting him for long. His pride demanded that he put this woman in her place, that she treated him as his power deserved.

With a yell, Ichigo released the built up power and charged forward with a battle cry.

He promptly fell on his face.

Yoruichi smirked.

ôAwww. Whats wrong Kurosaki-kun? You canÆt expect to impress a lady like me with dirt in your mouth.ö

The teenager cursed, spitting out dirt and stood up glaring. God this bitch knew how to piss him off. He unwrapped Zangetsu, intent on showing Yoruichi just who was boss. Suddenly however, Yoruichi was no where to be found. The hot breath on his ear however, gave him clue enough.

ôI suggest, Ichigo, that you keep your nice big zanpakuto wrapped up like it was, if you can catch me with shunpo, maybe IÆll let you take it out and show me again.ö

Ichigo ate dirt again as the Flash Goddess slammed his head into the ground.

ôNow get up and try again. You werenÆt concentrating enough. Shunpo requires very controlled, precise usage of your reiatsu. Otherwise youÆll just lose your balance and end up on your ass, or worse.ö

Ichigo only scowled as he did what he was told. Reaching into his vast reservoir of power, he concentrated it on his movement, leashing the wild force within him.

Ichigo moved. He could see the yellow eyed mentor, just yards away, before he felt his power tear away from his grip and he stumbled, falling once more into the ground.

YoruichiÆs eyes opened wide. The kid learned fast she would give him that. It was obvious, however, that it would take the full three days they had to get it down, if IchigoÆs dirt covered face was any indication.

Ichigo raised his head. This time though, he was grinning. Oh yea. HeÆd have this down real soon.

ôHey! Yoruichi! Just a bit more and I think I couldÆve had a nice grope!ö

The tan beauties foot found itÆs way to the back of the teenagers head. Yoruichi gave a laugh while Ichigo shouted muffled curses into the dirt.

===============
3 days later.

ôVery good Ichigo.ö The yellow eyed beauty commented.

Ichigo was lying on the ground panting and dry heaving. He had almost been constantly training in flash steps for the past 3 days, only taking breaks to eat or gain a couple hours of sleep. He managed to get to his knees, using his sword as a crutch.

ôHow will I hold up to the Shinigami in Soul Society?ö He asked after spitting up a little blood.

ôOhàI expect youÆd be able to give little Byakuya a run for his money. Now, about that innuendo you made about my title the other dayàö

Ichigo clenched his eyes shut, expecting another blow for his comment. He was surprised when he felt the tan womanÆs lips on his in a short but passionate kiss.

ôThereÆs a real nice hot spring hidden in soul society. Maybe IÆll show it to you if you make it that far.ö She whispered in his ear, running her finger along his jaw line. ôI like you kid. It takes guts to keep flirting with the Goddess of Flash after she beats the shit out of you over and over.ö

Ichigo passed out with a goofy smile on his face.

ôNow Yoruichi. ThereÆs no need to get his hopes up.ö Kisuke said, walking over from the ladder leading into the shop.

She raised her eye brow. ôWho said IÆm getting anyoneÆs hopes up? The kids interesting.ö

Urahara looked at her questioningly ôOh? And how do you think Isshin will react?ö

She gave a shit eating grin. ôHeÆd be proud that his kid could get what he never could. How are Muscles and Boobs?ö

Urahra scratched his nose.

ôTheyÆve come along very well. Better than I had expected. Both their power is very interesting. SadoÆs feels very much like a Hollow, yet his soul remains intact. Inoue howeverà She is absolutely mind boggling. Her power is simply to reject.ö

ôHuh?ö Was all the tan beauty said.

ôShe can not only heal wounds, but make it as if it never happened, itÆs simply unfathomable.ö

Yoruichi rolled her eyes, preparing herself to doze away. She could recognize her friends scientific rants a mile away.

ôNo, listen Yoruichi. ItÆs important. Theoretically, the girl can cure Hollows, give them back their soul without a burial. Hell, she may even have a remedy for deathö

The last ShihouinÆs eyes opened wide before she noticed her charge stirring.

Ichigo sat up slowly. ôOh man. I just had the best dream.ö

Kisuke and Yoruichi laughed. Hearing some clatter above, Yoruichi transformed back into a cat.

ôWhatÆs so funny!? I like laughing! Wellàthat and peanut butter and fish sandwiches. Oh! Hi Kurosaki-kun! I like your new outfit!ö

Orihime walked towards the group; Sado and Ishida following. Ishida adjusted his glasses and spoke.

ôUrahara-san has informed us of youràö He frowned. ôcondition. It is peculiar, but if it gives us a better hope of rescuing Rukia then IÆll ignore it. Just know Ichigo, if you start acting like one of them, I wonÆt hesitate to kill you.ö

Sado shook his head. ôWe already talked about this. Ichigo is still Ichigo, part hollow or not, heÆs our friend.ö

Inoue nodded and stompped. ôYea! Kurosaki-kun will always be Kurosaki-kun!ö

ôCalm down. IÆm not about to go eat some little kid. ThereÆs far better eating around here.ö Ichigo winked suggestively at Yoruichi and Orihime.

ôOhhhhh! Kurosaki-kun, are you saying you want one of my peanut butter and fish sandwiches?ö Orihime asked excitedly
Yoruichi laughed. ôYea kid. ThatÆs exactly what heÆs sayin.ö

Urahara coughed loudly. ôAhem. As much as I love innuendo and irony, donÆt you kids have a mission and a limited amount of time to complete it in?ö

Ichigo immediately sobered.

ôRight, Urahara-san.ö

ô IÆm going to open a portal to Rukongai, IÆll try and get it close to an entrance to Seretei. Yoruichi will be your guide, so heed what your feline friend says.ö

The black cat walked in front of the group. ôRight. Keep close once the path opens. Kisuke, open it.ö

With that, the portal opened up, allowing passage for the rescuers. Ichigo nodded and jumped forward after Yoruichi; the others following.

--------------------------------

I think the pairings for this fic will be IChi/Yoruichi/Matsumoto.

Also I thank Fosfor for all the advice he gave me about writing. I think it helped quite a bit.

Also, if you don't understand, Ichigo has the full potential for top Espada level attacks as well as top level Shinigami attacks. But most of that is still just potential. Aizen, Kyoraku, Yammamoto,Ukitake, and likely Gin could still take him. Zaraki and Byakuya are still going to give him a hell of a time also. Not to mention various Espada.

All advice and criticism is welcome. Flames, not so much.
 

jaredstar

Well-Known Member
#2
personally i enjoyed it. it will be interesting to see what reactions this new ichigo will receive in soul society and by the prince bastard of manipulation (Gendo Ikari is the king)
 

Arnor

Active Member
#3
Does this mean that Ichigo will have the potential for both bankai and the Arrancars' zanpakuto release?
 

Thorn

Well-Known Member
#4
Arnor said:
Does this mean that Ichigo will have the potential for both bankai and the Arrancars' zanpakuto release?
Yea, it's kinda the reason for the half cliff hanger of Hollow Ichigo telling Ichigo his real name.
 

Voivod

Well-Known Member
#5
^^^as a bastard yeah gendo tops Aizen, but Aizen wins in manipulation hands down

anyway. I've allways liked the idea of Arrancar!Ichigo and hope to seem him in cannon at some point. You did it in a completely believable and well written way.

I loved the Flirtation between Yoruichi and Ichigo, as well as her and Urahara's talk about Issin's reaction. Hell pretty much all the dialogue and characterization were good. I hope to see Moar soon
 

semil

Well-Known Member
#6
Ditto on hoping for moar soon.

My only complaint is that there isn't enough.
 

mindpron

Well-Known Member
#7
While I did enjoy this very much, I think it need some severe overhauling.

First, you need to add far more detail to it as you almost gloss over major plot points, which is not a good thing at all. All those single sentence paragraphs can be expanding to include greater detail on what is actually going on rather than summarizing it like they do now. Like explaining in more depth just why Urahara did just kill Ichigo and expanding the Yoruichi interaction. You can easily double the size of this chapter without any effort what so ever, just by better explaining the events as they occur.


Second, you really need to fix the pacing of this. It is simply all over the place and that seriously sours what you are trying to do here. The way you jump from single senstance explainations to multi paragraph ones and back again, just destroys any any real sense of fluid timing. Pick a detail level and stick with it.

I know you were trying to make the battle between Ichigo and his hollow self seem panicked, but all you did was make it seem rushed. Slow down, explain the setting and reasons for the battle in the first place, let your words tell of the panic not the format. It isn't all that hard. If you wanted to you can make that fight scene consist of half the chapter, without dispelling the panic in any way. You don't need to rush it.

This is one of major problems in your fic. Whenever the action starts getting hot you shift to this stilted format to display how fast the events are going when you don't have to and when, in fact, doing so spoils the scene. Take your time.



I know I'm a detail hog, but really you can do SOOOOO much with this fic just by adding more detail. Hell you can take the very first paragraph and and expand it to nearly five, without disrupting the scene, all while giving some minor back story. Just remember that you don't need to be sparse with details in order make a scene run fast.

It all comes down to detail, detail, detail.
 

Ringmaster

Well-Known Member
#8
Voivod said:
^^^as a bastard yeah gendo tops Aizen, but Aizen wins in manipulation hands down
*buzzer* Wrong! If Gendo could directly manipulate all five senses of everyone around him at once, he'd make Aizen look like a puppy.
 

perfect_solider

Well-Known Member
#9
Gendo is the person every bastard looks up to....

that aside I humbly request for moar
 

Genericrandom

Well-Known Member
#10
Although I agree with the general points mindpron made, I don't think it's quite the issue he made it sound like. Unquestionably it could benifit from a lot of expansion (which you really should work on) but the most important point I think he made is 'consistency'. That more than anything, even detail, is the most important part in my ne'er to be humbled opinion.

The biggest reason I don't think it's all that big a deal though, is that a lot of the events were covered to some degree or another in the manga, even if you are using them out of sequence and what not. Most fanfiction operates under the assumption you've seen the source material, generally to the most recent point. It's always better to cover everything, but I wouldn't call it a cardinal sin to move through things expediently. Though it's not a good thing.

But whether it's an expansion of what is there, or what happens next, I'm really looking forward to moar in the soon.
 

Deadpan29

Well-Known Member
#11
I'm with mindpron. It's good, but rushed and sketchy. More of a first-draft / outline than a full fic.
 

Kayeich

Well-Known Member
#12
I kinda liked this, but it didn't feel like Ichigo's personality was part hollow. He just became dirty-mouthed, but didn't feel like he'd become crueler, just more sarcastic maybe. Like his getting his ass kicked by Yoruichi and just being thankful and perverted about it. Most hollows come of as being pretty prideful amongst other things, and getting his ass kicked repeatedly isn't the way I'd consider him being thankful. Now after being smooched, then he could probably be a bit more nice to the woman, but while he was getting his ass kicked? He should be wanting to hurt this person, break her, say what perverted things he was going to do after her legs couldn't help her get away, whatever. I dunno, his arrancar personality just felt not fleshed out.
 

praeceps11

Well-Known Member
#13
I liked it overall but it did have several problems. The one that seemed the most obvious to me and that hasn't been addressed yet is this paragraph/sentence combination.
He wore a black unzipped jacket with white baggy pants. His pants were baggy and white and he wore black socks with sandals. The unzipped jacket revealed a black crescent hole in his chest, the other half of the crescent was pure white.
In this you repeat that his pants are white and baggy twice which makes it sound stupid. Also is he suppose to have a circle in the middle of his chest that is one half a hole that is black and the other half a white mark on his skin? If so you should know that a cresent isn't a half circle.
tapping his cane shaped sword on his shoulder.
The problem with this is that his sword is not cane shaped. His sword is a Shikomizue.

Also why is Yoruichi in human form? She never transformed in front of Ichigo and friends until the soul society.
 

Genericrandom

Well-Known Member
#14
I hope you're being intentionally obtuse here.

Most people would describe a shikomizue as a 'sword shaped like a cane', or a 'cane shaped sword'. I'm not quite sure what caused you to argue that point, other than you're perhaps being overly literal and possibly think he was describing something like a Chinese hook sword. But I think most everyone's seen Benihime by now.

Obviously, he missed some errors. The double pants reference looks like a case of going back to correct/change something and forgetting to delete redundant text after some editing.

Now, draw a circle on a piece of paper. Then, fill in a crescent using 'black'. It's a circle with a black crescent and the rest is white, isn't it? Like a Gibbous (waxing or waning) moon. Phases of the moon.

Yoruichi was teaching him Shunpo, I'd imagine that's hard to do as a cat. Hence, she used her human form. Furthermore, if something like that bothers you, you should probably stick to canon.
 

Thorn

Well-Known Member
#15
Genericrandom said:
I hope you're being intentionally obtuse here.

Most people would describe a shikomizue as a 'sword shaped like a cane', or a 'cane shaped sword'. I'm not quite sure what caused you to argue that point, other than you're perhaps being overly literal and possibly think he was describing something like a Chinese hook sword. But I think most everyone's seen Benihime by now.

Obviously, he missed some errors. The double pants reference looks like a case of going back to correct/change something and forgetting to delete redundant text after some editing.

Now, draw a circle on a piece of paper. Then, fill in a crescent using 'black'. It's a circle with a black crescent and the rest is white, isn't it? Like a Gibbous (waxing or waning) moon. Phases of the moon.

Yoruichi was teaching him Shunpo, I'd imagine that's hard to do as a cat. Hence, she used her human form. Furthermore, if something like that bothers you, you should probably stick to canon.
Haha, thanks for covering my bases. Yes the pants thing was an error that I thought I had fixed.

I changed the cane sword to shikomizue though I don't know how many people will get it.

Can someone think of something better to call his hollow hole? I've been working really long hours all this week so my brain is fried.

Yes Yoruichi was in human form to teach shunpo. If you noticed, she switched back to feline form before the others came down.

I realize that I write a little jumpy. It's really something that I'm trying to fix, with this fic in particular. If someone can help me with this it would be GREAT. You should have read it before I had Fosfor's advice.

:flameon:
 

praeceps11

Well-Known Member
#16
Genericrandom said:
I hope you're being intentionally obtuse here.

Most people would describe a shikomizue as a 'sword shaped like a cane', or a 'cane shaped sword'. I'm not quite sure what caused you to argue that point, other than you're perhaps being overly literal and possibly think he was describing something like a Chinese hook sword. But I think most everyone's seen Benihime by now.
I was telling him that piont because some people seem to be of the belief that Benihime's sealed form is a cane and I wasn't sure if he was of that opinion or not.
Obviously, he missed some errors. The double pants reference looks like a case of going back to correct/change something and forgetting to delete redundant text after some editing.
Yes I'm aware that that was how he made the error. I was just pionting out his mistakes so he could fix them. I wasn't trying to insult him.
Now, draw a circle on a piece of paper. Then, fill in a crescent using 'black'. It's a circle with a black crescent and the rest is white, isn't it? Like a Gibbous (waxing or waning) moon. Phases of the moon.
I'm aware of what a crescent looks like. I was just unsure of what exactly he meant because he said "the other half of the crescent was pure white" which is a very awkward way of putting it.
Yoruichi was teaching him Shunpo, I'd imagine that's hard to do as a cat. Hence, she used her human form. Furthermore, if something like that bothers you, you should probably stick to canon.
I didn't really care about this piont I was wondering why she started off in human form even before she knew she was going to be training him in shunpo. Also if she transformed in front of him there would be more room for perverted comments because she doesn't have clothing on when she transforms.
 

mindpron

Well-Known Member
#17
Genericrandom said:
Although I agree with the general points mindpron made, I don't think it's quite the issue he made it sound like. Unquestionably it could benifit from a lot of expansion (which you really should work on) but the most important point I think he made is 'consistency'. That more than anything, even detail, is the most important part in my ne'er to be humbled opinion.

The biggest reason I don't think it's all that big a deal though, is that a lot of the events were covered to some degree or another in the manga, even if you are using them out of sequence and what not. Most fanfiction operates under the assumption you've seen the source material, generally to the most recent point. It's always better to cover everything, but I wouldn't call it a cardinal sin to move through things expediently. Though it's not a good thing.

But whether it's an expansion of what is there, or what happens next, I'm really looking forward to moar in the soon.
Like I said, I'm a detail hog. For me, even a hackney plot can be recovered if you detail it right. Not that I think that about this story, but that is this how it think.

I'm always annoying my writing partner in class because I'm such a detail freak that I'll rewrite whole sections of an essay or paper because of it. So take my advice as you will

While, fanfiction does tend to operate under the idea that the reader already has some idea of what's going on in the uni the stories being written on, it has always been one of my pet-peeves when a writer uses that excuse to dump a reader into a story without explaining what is going on. The lack of backstory information can easily kill a story for me, because even if you've heard it a million times, it still sets the story's mood and plot without any major effort on the writers part and can make a transition into a story that much easier.
 

Thorn

Well-Known Member
#18
Also, it was mentioned that his hollow isn't showing that much beside language. Let me explain.
Right now, Ichigo is among friends, whom he is still very protective of. About Yoruichi, I thought I had written clear enough that while he was training with her that he was making innuendo's the whole time.

In the next chapters Ichigo is going to be facing his enemies, people he views as stopping him from reaching Rukia. You WILL see Ichigo being absolutely ruthless.
 

zeebee1

Well-Known Member
#19
I doubt Renji will be much of a problem. When Ichigo gains bankai he'll decimate Byakuya. Though that might not be the case. You didn't specifie how much of a power up Ichigo gained as this transformation is different than the vizard transformation.
 

semil

Well-Known Member
#20
He's ruthless and not afraid of battle, and he's learning shunpo, but what's left unknown to us is his level of actual skill. I suppose he'll be able to deal with opponents faster than in canon, maybe get more time "training" with Yoruichi. Just randomly, it seems like this Ichigo will be great friends with Kenpachi. :)
 

zeebee1

Well-Known Member
#21
In canon Ichigo with the Hollow mask could trump Byakuya with ease. In this scenario it no longer seems to be the case. It was implied that the main change is both mental and that he has the potential to use abilities from both sides of the coin. If he actually gained more power then it is not as high as it could have been.
 

elric

Well-Known Member
#22
I see Gin getting a very unpleasant surprise at the Gate scene myself. IIRC, Byakuka is considered one of the stronger captains of the Gotei 13. . .
 

Genericrandom

Well-Known Member
#23
@praeceps11: I didn't know that there were people that thought that. Still, hidden swords and the like are fairly common so that's not a point that should need to be belabored, but it wouldn't have been a point with just a bit more detail(*hinthint*).

I misread the original sentence, since it was clear enough for me to figure out what he meant. That sentence is awkward now that I read it properly, and could eaisly be fixed with more detail. (As an aside, I do professional [freelance] typing and something like that I tend to read over, recognize what was meant rather than said, and type things coherently so the inspecificness didn't even register. My bad.)

As far as I can recall, we've seen Yoruichi transform all of once. At/in a hotspring. It wouldn't surprise me to discover she could control her clothing showing up or not, regardless, that's a minor point to argue...that wouldn't even need thought if there'd been just a little bit more detail (I'm being an ass on purpose now, please note the difference).

@mindpron: Points, all. However, personally, I generally prefer a writer actually gets somewhere rather than telling us everything that's going on in painstaking detail. I like detail, but I'd rather know what happens next more often than not. Also, a lot of people are really bad at writing details because they fail to maintain tenses, action, flow etc. I totally understand where you're coming from, but I only agree about two-thirds of the time, I think. I've not given the matter a lot of thought, so maybe I agree more. Or possibly less. :huh.:

@zeebee1: In a conflict between two parties of equal power, the deciding factors are usually luck and skill. Realistically speaking, canon Ichigo should not have had any appreciable trouble fighting Zaraki, at the level the maniac was fighting to begin with, but Ichigo lacked any will to fight. All of his skill and determination always seem to be tied into his desire to protect his friends. Zaraki, who was more of an obstacle than an obstruction, failed to bring forth Ichigo's fighting instinct until his life was endangered. The best way to think of this new hybrid as it seems to me is that he 'always' has the Hollow mask on, but then we wouldn't have to speculate if there was more detail.

@Thorn: Most of the points... yeah, they could use and benefit from and really ought to have more detail, but it's not a story breaker. This:
Also, it was mentioned that his hollow isn't showing that much beside language. Let me explain.
Right now, Ichigo is among friends, whom he is still very protective of. About Yoruichi, I thought I had written clear enough that while he was training with her that he was making innuendo's the whole time.
was only vaguely implied at best. Even if you're going to use the basis of canon to allow you to move things along, when something actually does change, you need to write it as the totally new event it supposedly is.

When you go through and reread your work, one thing you should try to do is to ask yourself is, "Just with the words written here, what questions do I have for the author/plot if I were a reader?" It'll likely take you some practice since you, theoretically, know where it's all going and don't actually have questions, but if you can manage that your detail work will improve. What questions would you ask in a review (assuming you're that type)? What would what you've written make you think was going to happen? What scenes does it make you envision? What do you look forward to seeing happen, based on the clues the writer's given? Things like that. Detail Thorn, ever detail.
 

immolo

Well-Known Member
#24
mindpron said:
Genericrandom said:
Although I agree with the general points mindpron made, I don't think it's quite the issue he made it sound like. Unquestionably it could benifit from a lot of expansion (which you really should work on) but the most important point I think he made is 'consistency'. That more than anything, even detail, is the most important part in my ne'er to be humbled opinion.

The biggest reason I don't think it's all that big a deal though, is that a lot of the events were covered to some degree or another in the manga, even if you are using them out of sequence and what not. Most fanfiction operates under the assumption you've seen the source material, generally to the most recent point. It's always better to cover everything, but I wouldn't call it a cardinal sin to move through things expediently. Though it's not a good thing.

But whether it's an expansion of what is there, or what happens next, I'm really looking forward to moar in the soon.
Like I said, I'm a detail hog. For me, even a hackney plot can be recovered if you detail it right. Not that I think that about this story, but that is this how it think.

I'm always annoying my writing partner in class because I'm such a detail freak that I'll rewrite whole sections of an essay or paper because of it. So take my advice as you will

While, fanfiction does tend to operate under the idea that the reader already has some idea of what's going on in the uni the stories being written on, it has always been one of my pet-peeves when a writer uses that excuse to dump a reader into a story without explaining what is going on. The lack of backstory information can easily kill a story for me, because even if you've heard it a million times, it still sets the story's mood and plot without any major effort on the writers part and can make a transition into a story that much easier.
It's :eek:t: but if you like detail you would love the wheel of time series by Robert Jordan.

Back ontopic. Generic if Yoruichi could be clothed while transforming it would ruin perfectly good potential hentai.
 

Voivod

Well-Known Member
#25
However as you said too much detail can hurt a story more than it helps. Case in point Robert Jordan and the Wheel in Time Series. He takes up a chapter to explain why the characters have to climb a hill, then the next chapter is filled with them climbing the hill

Personally while I like detail in a story, as long as it has good plot and is interesting and generally moves along my mind can usually fill in the missing details but thats just me.
 
Top