1.0
This thread is for oneshots that parody some horrible Naruto fanfiction cliches.
1: beating Naruto to near death.
-----
The four-year-old Naruto was running from a mob, complete with pitchforks, the night of his birthday (why was it always the night of his birthday, shitty authors?!). For some reason, no ANBU noticed, or if they did, they went against the Hokage and did nothing. It wasn't like disobeying direct orders from the Hokage would put even a regular ninja in hot water, so why would the Hokage do the sensible thing and send said ANBU to be cared for by the Torture and Interrogation department as a potential traitor, right?
Also for some unfathomable reason, the boy was able to outrun all those adults for quite a while. Well, they could all be drunk.
Either way, Naruto was cornered in a dead-end alley by the mob (why is it always dead-end alleys?) and was beaten to an inch of his life. When the ANBU finally decided to do their duty, Naruto was in a really bad condition.
The medic-nins at the hospital honestly tried their best, but it was not enough. A Jinchuuriki and an Uzumaki, especially one who was both, had enhanced durability and healing, but Naruto hadn't even unlocked his Chakra; his body couldn't keep up with the level of injuries he had, even if he healed like an adult ninja rather than a civilian child.
So, Uzumaki Naruto died at the age of four.
Unfortunately for the village of Konohagakure, their troubles did not end there. The Fourth Hokage made an excellent seal; he took measures so that Naruto wasn't overwhelmed by the Kyuubi's mind or even had contact with it. He sacrificed his life and afterlife so that the Chakra and soul of the Kyuubi was split in two. With only half of the Kyuubi, the already very powerful Eight Trigrams Sealing Formula was enough to do all he set out to do.
But even Minato, a sealing master only surpassed by Mito and her father, Ashina -and possibly only due to said Hokage's inexperience- could not account for everything. Normally, the beast would die with Naruto and, due to the relative strength of the seal, stay dead for a long time. But, without his Chakra being active, only what was produced by his body instinctively was used to reinforce the seal and suppress the Kyuubi.
And let me tell you, even a Jinchuuriki doesn't produce much Chakra at four years old, especially when not able to actively mold any. The problem was exacerbated further by two facts: one, Naruto, being a toddler, didn't have a very developed sense of self - thus, his mental strength was minimal; two, he didn't even know that there was something he had to hold back, at least not consciously. So, the seal degraded to near-uselessness while Naruto was dying and minutes before he expired, the seal broke.
-----
In Naruto's seal
'What the hell is wrong with this village?' Kurama thought, having known Konoha as completely different and far saner, at least during Mito's youth. He resigned himself to dying with his host, since a burst of his Chakra would probably kill the boy anyway. After a few minutes (or hours, he wasn't sure), he realized that the seal had weakened a lot -too much- so he started pushing his Chakra into it, to no avail - it didn't even leak into the boy's system. Still, he persisted, until he managed to crack it open.
Ready to seize freedom with both paws, he was forcibly halted by... something, which he soon recognized as the Adamantine Sealing Chains. "Kushina!" Kurama shouted, hatred in his voice, knowing this presence intimately (and hating its guts).
"Nine-tails. Where is Naruto? Isn't he supposed to open the seal himself?" Kushina asked, her mind obviously only on her brat.
Kurama didn't even grin, let alone laugh, even if he was tempted to. He said, "Why don't you check out his memories and tell me?"
Wary for a trap by the Bijuu, the woman kept careful hold of him while sinking into memories not her own.
'Wait for it, wait for it... there it is,' Kurama thought, his mouth partially open in a sneer. The scream Kushina let out was music to his ears.
After the woman recovered (not without faltering in her technique somewhat, but Kurama resisted the impulse to truly try and free himself, and only thrashed slightly), she addressed Kurama, shouting. She said, "there's no way this is real! You tampered with his memories. Right!?"
Kurama sneered again. He said, "you foolish human. You've already noticed this entire mindscape is collapsing, not just the parts close to the seal. Denial does not become you, Kushina."
Kushina was crying by this point. "But- but- Konoha... they wouldn't be so cruel, would they?"
Kurama snarled. He said, "did you think that you humans are less savage than the Bijuu? While that bastard Senju was your village's leader, their energy was focused towards progress rather than savagery, but the Second and the Third had nowhere near the charisma needed to manage the same. In fact, the Third is simply a coward and a weakling when portrayed by bad fanfiction authors."
"Bad... fanfiction?" Kushina asked, confused.
"Never mind that!" Kurama said, the crack in the Fourth Wall repairing itself and Kushina forgetting that part of the conversation. "The point is that you overestimated your fellow villagers, and the Third Hokage tried, but Konoha's nature would not be denied. Is this what your dear husband sacrificed himself for? This... pathetic cesspool of filth and hatred? And you dare tell me that I'm made of hatred, foolish woman," the strongest Bijuu said, and he was actually being sincere.
Kushina was stuttering by this point, and was considering simply letting Kurama go, judging by how much the technique faltered. Still, Kurama only gave a token effort on freeing himself. She then said, after contemplation, "if I let you go, will you spare the innocents in Konoha?"
For the first time in their conversation, Kurama laughed. He said, "it doesn't work like that, Kushina. I am not someone who fights with precision; it's all or nothing. I'll even let you make the decision - do you want me to flee as soon as you free me, or do you want me to destroy everyone in Konoha?" Grinning sadistically.
A new presence had become active, and put a hand on Kushina's shoulder. Kurama didn't lose his grin, despite his hatred for the Fourth. He said, "I had wondered when you'd join us, Yondaime," as if he had known about his presence for the last four years, even though he had felt his negative emotions only since the moment Kushina started restraining him.
The blond human didn't take the bait, and said, "Kushina! Don't listen to it! The Kyuubi would say anything to get freedom. If you free it, who's to say it won't destroy all of humanity, not just Konoha!"
The Yondaime's speech had managed to put steel back into Kushina's spine, and he was smart enough not to defend Konoha, but it was too late; oh, far too late. With a herculean effort, Kurama broke Kushina's chains; he had already freed one of his tails, so he escaped at the same moment he struck at Kushina.
As soon as he sensed the pair's presence, he struck again, forcing the Yondaime to expend his Chakra to teleport with his Hiraishin repeatedly.
"I see," the Fourth said, "so that was your plan, Kyuubi."
Kurama had attacked Kushina's concentration and psyche with his words, while also stalling for time and thrashing in his bindings. That way, he depleted his former container's Chakra reserve, which was already only a small fraction of what Kushina had in life. He resisted just enough to make the chains jutsu more expensive in terms of Chakra, with Kushina's weakened will allowing him those small, costly movements.
Kurama allowed himself a moment of respect for this human's intellect, but he didn't gloat; he simply roared, putting his power into the action, and forcing the Yondaime to expend the last dregs of his own Chakra supply, which was far lower than Kushina's, to protect the both of them with a ninjutsu.
"Minato...." Kushina said, pain in her voice.
"So, Kushina, any last words?" Kurama said, still calm.
"Gi- give them hell. But only Konoha 'ttebane!" The redhead said, her Chakra dispersing.
'I can live with that," Kurama thought, reforming his body in the morgue of Konoha's hospital, leveling the entire building by virtue of existing.
-----
That night, on the tenth of October, Konoha burned. The Third, Sarutobi Hiruzen, managed to seal the Kyuubi into his ten-month-old grandson Konohamaru, but not without taking a killing blow. Worse still, the village had nearly ten times the casualties of the previous Kyuubi attack.
Nobody dared get close to the 'Honorable Grandson', and anyone who even tried bullying him was executed by Shimura Danzo, who had temporarily taken the position of Hokage. The man willingly relinquished the position to Jiraiya. In return, he was allowed to keep the new Jinchuuriki in his custody and train him.
Kumo did not dare start the war again, so soon after the Hyuuga debacle. Even though Hyuuga Hizashi's body was given to them, they got the brunt of the political damage; nobody would trust them to the point of making an alliance so soon after that (even Iwa), so they wouldn't be so foolish. Oonoki the fence-sitter believed Konoha would implode upon itself due to its own stupidity and hatred, so he did nothing. Kiri was in Obito's clutches, with both Yagura and the Three-tails under his genjutsu, unable to break one another out. Suna was content with taking most of Konoha's lost missions. The smaller villages knew they were no match for Konoha, even if its forces had been reduced to three thousand battle ready shinobi rather than the twenty thousand they had been. Akatsuki simply bided its time, with Orochimaru and Kirigakure being forced to follow suit.
In the following years, Orochimaru left Akatsuki and prepared his plan to destroy Konoha and get the Sharingan, only to be beaten to the punch by Pain, who leveled the village; killed many shinobi and civilians, including a thirteen-year-old Sasuke who hadn't even taken a Chuunin Exam (only rarely were they held in Konoha after the Sandaime's death); and took the last Jinchuuriki left because Konohamaru was forced to return by Jiraiya to defend the village.
A long story short, Kaguya ended up being revived, and faced an Edo Tensei Hashirama armed with the Six Paths Yang Power, with a rejuvenated, remorseful Madara helping him and getting the Yin part, along with a Tomoe Rinnegan in his right eye. Kaguya was sealed, but Konoha had ended already, never to come back. Hashirama accepted this, forgiving Madara for his part and wishing the remaining shinobi villages good fortune.
-----
A mob beating Naruto up could never end as well as shitty authors think. Naruto simply dying is almost the best case scenario. Next time, installment 1.1, with a mob again. Hopefully it won't end up as serious as this one did.
1: beating Naruto to near death.
-----
The four-year-old Naruto was running from a mob, complete with pitchforks, the night of his birthday (why was it always the night of his birthday, shitty authors?!). For some reason, no ANBU noticed, or if they did, they went against the Hokage and did nothing. It wasn't like disobeying direct orders from the Hokage would put even a regular ninja in hot water, so why would the Hokage do the sensible thing and send said ANBU to be cared for by the Torture and Interrogation department as a potential traitor, right?
Also for some unfathomable reason, the boy was able to outrun all those adults for quite a while. Well, they could all be drunk.
Either way, Naruto was cornered in a dead-end alley by the mob (why is it always dead-end alleys?) and was beaten to an inch of his life. When the ANBU finally decided to do their duty, Naruto was in a really bad condition.
The medic-nins at the hospital honestly tried their best, but it was not enough. A Jinchuuriki and an Uzumaki, especially one who was both, had enhanced durability and healing, but Naruto hadn't even unlocked his Chakra; his body couldn't keep up with the level of injuries he had, even if he healed like an adult ninja rather than a civilian child.
So, Uzumaki Naruto died at the age of four.
Unfortunately for the village of Konohagakure, their troubles did not end there. The Fourth Hokage made an excellent seal; he took measures so that Naruto wasn't overwhelmed by the Kyuubi's mind or even had contact with it. He sacrificed his life and afterlife so that the Chakra and soul of the Kyuubi was split in two. With only half of the Kyuubi, the already very powerful Eight Trigrams Sealing Formula was enough to do all he set out to do.
But even Minato, a sealing master only surpassed by Mito and her father, Ashina -and possibly only due to said Hokage's inexperience- could not account for everything. Normally, the beast would die with Naruto and, due to the relative strength of the seal, stay dead for a long time. But, without his Chakra being active, only what was produced by his body instinctively was used to reinforce the seal and suppress the Kyuubi.
And let me tell you, even a Jinchuuriki doesn't produce much Chakra at four years old, especially when not able to actively mold any. The problem was exacerbated further by two facts: one, Naruto, being a toddler, didn't have a very developed sense of self - thus, his mental strength was minimal; two, he didn't even know that there was something he had to hold back, at least not consciously. So, the seal degraded to near-uselessness while Naruto was dying and minutes before he expired, the seal broke.
-----
In Naruto's seal
'What the hell is wrong with this village?' Kurama thought, having known Konoha as completely different and far saner, at least during Mito's youth. He resigned himself to dying with his host, since a burst of his Chakra would probably kill the boy anyway. After a few minutes (or hours, he wasn't sure), he realized that the seal had weakened a lot -too much- so he started pushing his Chakra into it, to no avail - it didn't even leak into the boy's system. Still, he persisted, until he managed to crack it open.
Ready to seize freedom with both paws, he was forcibly halted by... something, which he soon recognized as the Adamantine Sealing Chains. "Kushina!" Kurama shouted, hatred in his voice, knowing this presence intimately (and hating its guts).
"Nine-tails. Where is Naruto? Isn't he supposed to open the seal himself?" Kushina asked, her mind obviously only on her brat.
Kurama didn't even grin, let alone laugh, even if he was tempted to. He said, "Why don't you check out his memories and tell me?"
Wary for a trap by the Bijuu, the woman kept careful hold of him while sinking into memories not her own.
'Wait for it, wait for it... there it is,' Kurama thought, his mouth partially open in a sneer. The scream Kushina let out was music to his ears.
After the woman recovered (not without faltering in her technique somewhat, but Kurama resisted the impulse to truly try and free himself, and only thrashed slightly), she addressed Kurama, shouting. She said, "there's no way this is real! You tampered with his memories. Right!?"
Kurama sneered again. He said, "you foolish human. You've already noticed this entire mindscape is collapsing, not just the parts close to the seal. Denial does not become you, Kushina."
Kushina was crying by this point. "But- but- Konoha... they wouldn't be so cruel, would they?"
Kurama snarled. He said, "did you think that you humans are less savage than the Bijuu? While that bastard Senju was your village's leader, their energy was focused towards progress rather than savagery, but the Second and the Third had nowhere near the charisma needed to manage the same. In fact, the Third is simply a coward and a weakling when portrayed by bad fanfiction authors."
"Bad... fanfiction?" Kushina asked, confused.
"Never mind that!" Kurama said, the crack in the Fourth Wall repairing itself and Kushina forgetting that part of the conversation. "The point is that you overestimated your fellow villagers, and the Third Hokage tried, but Konoha's nature would not be denied. Is this what your dear husband sacrificed himself for? This... pathetic cesspool of filth and hatred? And you dare tell me that I'm made of hatred, foolish woman," the strongest Bijuu said, and he was actually being sincere.
Kushina was stuttering by this point, and was considering simply letting Kurama go, judging by how much the technique faltered. Still, Kurama only gave a token effort on freeing himself. She then said, after contemplation, "if I let you go, will you spare the innocents in Konoha?"
For the first time in their conversation, Kurama laughed. He said, "it doesn't work like that, Kushina. I am not someone who fights with precision; it's all or nothing. I'll even let you make the decision - do you want me to flee as soon as you free me, or do you want me to destroy everyone in Konoha?" Grinning sadistically.
A new presence had become active, and put a hand on Kushina's shoulder. Kurama didn't lose his grin, despite his hatred for the Fourth. He said, "I had wondered when you'd join us, Yondaime," as if he had known about his presence for the last four years, even though he had felt his negative emotions only since the moment Kushina started restraining him.
The blond human didn't take the bait, and said, "Kushina! Don't listen to it! The Kyuubi would say anything to get freedom. If you free it, who's to say it won't destroy all of humanity, not just Konoha!"
The Yondaime's speech had managed to put steel back into Kushina's spine, and he was smart enough not to defend Konoha, but it was too late; oh, far too late. With a herculean effort, Kurama broke Kushina's chains; he had already freed one of his tails, so he escaped at the same moment he struck at Kushina.
As soon as he sensed the pair's presence, he struck again, forcing the Yondaime to expend his Chakra to teleport with his Hiraishin repeatedly.
"I see," the Fourth said, "so that was your plan, Kyuubi."
Kurama had attacked Kushina's concentration and psyche with his words, while also stalling for time and thrashing in his bindings. That way, he depleted his former container's Chakra reserve, which was already only a small fraction of what Kushina had in life. He resisted just enough to make the chains jutsu more expensive in terms of Chakra, with Kushina's weakened will allowing him those small, costly movements.
Kurama allowed himself a moment of respect for this human's intellect, but he didn't gloat; he simply roared, putting his power into the action, and forcing the Yondaime to expend the last dregs of his own Chakra supply, which was far lower than Kushina's, to protect the both of them with a ninjutsu.
"Minato...." Kushina said, pain in her voice.
"So, Kushina, any last words?" Kurama said, still calm.
"Gi- give them hell. But only Konoha 'ttebane!" The redhead said, her Chakra dispersing.
'I can live with that," Kurama thought, reforming his body in the morgue of Konoha's hospital, leveling the entire building by virtue of existing.
-----
That night, on the tenth of October, Konoha burned. The Third, Sarutobi Hiruzen, managed to seal the Kyuubi into his ten-month-old grandson Konohamaru, but not without taking a killing blow. Worse still, the village had nearly ten times the casualties of the previous Kyuubi attack.
Nobody dared get close to the 'Honorable Grandson', and anyone who even tried bullying him was executed by Shimura Danzo, who had temporarily taken the position of Hokage. The man willingly relinquished the position to Jiraiya. In return, he was allowed to keep the new Jinchuuriki in his custody and train him.
Kumo did not dare start the war again, so soon after the Hyuuga debacle. Even though Hyuuga Hizashi's body was given to them, they got the brunt of the political damage; nobody would trust them to the point of making an alliance so soon after that (even Iwa), so they wouldn't be so foolish. Oonoki the fence-sitter believed Konoha would implode upon itself due to its own stupidity and hatred, so he did nothing. Kiri was in Obito's clutches, with both Yagura and the Three-tails under his genjutsu, unable to break one another out. Suna was content with taking most of Konoha's lost missions. The smaller villages knew they were no match for Konoha, even if its forces had been reduced to three thousand battle ready shinobi rather than the twenty thousand they had been. Akatsuki simply bided its time, with Orochimaru and Kirigakure being forced to follow suit.
In the following years, Orochimaru left Akatsuki and prepared his plan to destroy Konoha and get the Sharingan, only to be beaten to the punch by Pain, who leveled the village; killed many shinobi and civilians, including a thirteen-year-old Sasuke who hadn't even taken a Chuunin Exam (only rarely were they held in Konoha after the Sandaime's death); and took the last Jinchuuriki left because Konohamaru was forced to return by Jiraiya to defend the village.
A long story short, Kaguya ended up being revived, and faced an Edo Tensei Hashirama armed with the Six Paths Yang Power, with a rejuvenated, remorseful Madara helping him and getting the Yin part, along with a Tomoe Rinnegan in his right eye. Kaguya was sealed, but Konoha had ended already, never to come back. Hashirama accepted this, forgiving Madara for his part and wishing the remaining shinobi villages good fortune.
-----
A mob beating Naruto up could never end as well as shitty authors think. Naruto simply dying is almost the best case scenario. Next time, installment 1.1, with a mob again. Hopefully it won't end up as serious as this one did.
