Akamatsuverse Dude Looks Rather Moé [LH]

Lord Raa

Exporter of Juice Tins
#2
Dude Looks Rather Moé

          
 

T.L

Well-Known Member
#3
Dude Looks Rather Mo

Good stuff,
I have always enjoyed your version of Tsuruko,
Enjoyed the extra scene with the bath and clothes.
T.L
 

Ordo

Well-Known Member
#4
Dude Looks Rather Mo

I'm just surprised he made it out the door with his pants on....
 

marthf1

Well-Known Member
#5
Dude Looks Rather Mo

It's like a trip to the Amazon or Australia!

I agree, I'm surprised Keitaro made it that far without losing more of his clothes.
 
#6
Dude Looks Rather Mo

Honestly... I feel like your bashing me over the head with a large stick yelling "THIS IS FUNNY DAMMIT!" before trying to shove said stick down my throat.

It lacks details as the writing seems rather spartan and too direct, the attempt at humor failed horribly and the characters are horrible caricatures that bare no resemblance to their source. The premise doesn't really live up to what I was expecting either, I know you can do better but it just seems like you weren't even trying when you wrote this. Is this some kind of attempt to troll us? Did you write this pretending to pander to us but really you sit there mocking us for our glowing reveiws?

In the end... No, I don't like this. This is a shit story churned out by someone I know is better than it.
 

Reikson

Well-Known Member
#7
Dude Looks Rather Mo

Master of Squirrel-Fu said:
Honestly... I feel like your bashing me over the head with a large stick yelling "THIS IS FUNNY DAMMIT!" before trying to shove said stick down my throat.

It lacks details as the writing seems rather spartan and too direct, the attempt at humor failed horribly and the characters are horrible caricatures that bare no resemblance to their source. The premise doesn't really live up to what I was expecting either, I know you can do better but it just seems like you weren't even trying when you wrote this. Is this some kind of attempt to troll us? Did you write this pretending to pander to us but really you sit there mocking us for our glowing reveiws?

In the end... No, I don't like this. This is a shit story churned out by someone I know is better than it.
Oh, it's not that bad.

Sure, some work could be done, but it's all right.
 

Prince Charon

Well-Known Member
#8
Dude Looks Rather Mo

It's not perfect, but it's much better than Squirrel seems to think.
 

Lord Raa

Exporter of Juice Tins
#9
Dude Looks Rather Mo

Well, not everything can be comedy gold.
 

T.L

Well-Known Member
#10
Dude Looks Rather Mo

Nice to see that Motoko is being consistent in upholding someones virtue.
Wonder who was doing the watching?
Will Kitsune be successful?
Whats on T.V. tonight?
Whats for dinner?

@Squirrel
Unhelpful comments are unhelpful. Especially when some has stated they are having problems!
 

EagleCeres

Well-Known Member
#11
Dude Looks Rather Mo

@Raa:
Glad to see you post more on this idea and see how you make it take shape, hoping to see how far you make this particular rabbit hole go.

Interesting hypocrisy that both Naru and Motoko are playing there.
Kitsune seems to be playing her usual self, or at least the flirt we know her to be.
Shinobu being aggressive? You go girl!
Couldn't help but LOL at Tsu-chan... aggro women be aggro, RAWR!
Very curious that Suu-chan hasn't jumped in for LULZ (or possible lolionyalapp shenanigans)

More when you can sir.

Rant Starts HERE
some rant that reads like
*whaaaaambulance* "THESE ARE NOT THE LULZ I didn't PAID FOR!!!" *whaaaaambulance* *rend/maim/e-thug*
You have to remember that finding/getting (and maintaining) the inspiration to write and then share the stories online is, more often than not, a thankless and non-lucrative activity.

Raa, among many other writers (including hack wannabes like myself), posts his stuff on here to get some kind of reply, usually hoping for "MOAR" or at least a good reason why certain things feel/read well (or not), and then do the necesary changes to the writing that (usually) maintain the spirit, if not the letter, of the original story idea.

Who is to say that a writer has to stick to a tried and true formula or that they "aren't cutting the mustard as they usually do"; just because the newest thing doesn't tickle the right funny bone or is playing a different game in a sandlot miles from the usual stomping grounds... one should consider that maybe (just maybe) the writer wants to try something new out or is still fleshing out ideas.

Just because a story doesn't click with a reader's sensibilities, it doesn't necessarily mean the shared story/idea is bad... it's just means that said story is not for THAT particular reader's tastes.


TL;DR version:
How about Moar constructive criticism and sharing of ideas to help this (and or any other story posted by any other writer),
and Less "DIS SUX, IS NOT FUNNEH LIEK *OTHER STORY FROM SAME/OTHER RITER*!!!!1111oneoneoneeleventeen"


END RANT
 
#12
Dude Looks Rather Mo

Poor Keitaro his secretÆs out amongst the girls now, I wonder how long he can manage to stay out of someoneÆs bed?
Or keep the girls out of his for that matter.

Motoko defending his virtue is an amusing change of pace, and wouldÆve provided her with ample opportunity to sneak a peak until Kitsune showed up if she was so inclined.
ItÆll be interesting to see where this one goes.
 

Prince Charon

Well-Known Member
#13
Dude Looks Rather Mo

Death2110 said:
Poor Keitaro his secretÆs out amongst the girls now, I wonder how long he can manage to stay out of someoneÆs bed?
Or keep the girls out of his for that matter.

Motoko defending his virtue is an amusing change of pace, and wouldÆve provided her with ample opportunity to sneak a peak until Kitsune showed up if she was so inclined.
ItÆll be interesting to see where this one goes.
In a way, it's not a change of pace, in that Raa is staying true to Motoko's canon character, just as he is with the other girls. That's part of what makes it fun.
 
#14
Dude Looks Rather Mo

I've no doubt it's in character, but given how often Keitaro ends up being on the receiving end of her wrath both in series and in fanfiction, it's amusing to see it reversed.
 

Lord Raa

Exporter of Juice Tins
#15
Dude Looks Rather Mo

            
 
#16
Dude Looks Rather Mo

Keitaro and Naru can't be the only ones who know that there's a hole between their rooms, so one of the other girls could use it. Kitsune had plans for a little fun time, so she's a good candidate.

Or Keitaro could run screaming from the room as Naru tries, straight into one of the girls who was trying the door.

Provided he manages to make it through dinner without being jumped anyway, and given Haruka's blatant apathy, that's a fair if. Although he could execute the RSLG (Run Screaming Like a Girl) manoeuvre if the try.

Although maybe Haruka's advice should've been to keep his 'socks' on, if he couldn't keep his glasses on at least.
 

chronodekar

Obsessively signs his posts
Staff member
#17
Dude Looks Rather Mo

First off, I have to agree with Master of Squirrel-Fu's basic assessment. This is NOT Lord Raa's best work. If he didn't say it, I would have anyway (though, not necessarily in that manner ...). We've all seen Lord Raa do better and the writing here feels ... skimped.

The idea itself though, is humorous and as someone else mentioned, I'm just surprised that Keitaro made it to the door with his pants on. ^_^

"pick the one you like and stick with her?". :huh: Considering WHO the author is, I'll be SHOCKED if that advice is actually followed without a mass orgy. Then again, it's legal in Japan for cousin's to marry right? He could always just pick Haruka. After all, she DID defend him when he originally came to the Inn.

Or, instead of the gay option, keep it such that Keitaro has VERY different tastes and will remain steadfastly loyal to his special someone - Tama-chan ! Who, amusingly enough, develops INCREDIBLE fighting techniques to fend off females from her "mate".

Or ... horror of horrors, just call Seta for advice. Considering that he's to become another "Seta clone" , may as well ask for help from someone who's experienced all this before. ;)

-chronodekar
 

zeebee1

Well-Known Member
#18
Dude Looks Rather Mo

Maybe one day Raa will right about an entertaining series like Naruto or Harry Potter.
 

T.L

Well-Known Member
#19
Dude Looks Rather Mo

@Zeebee

Thanks a fucking lot asshole.
 

chronodekar

Obsessively signs his posts
Staff member
#20
Dude Looks Rather Mo

Without Remorse said:
@Zeebee

Thanks a fucking lot asshole.
Seconded whole-heartedly ! :angry:

-chronodekar
 

Lord Raa

Exporter of Juice Tins
#21
Dude Looks Rather Mo

zeebee1 said:
Maybe one day Raa will right about an entertaining series like Naruto or Harry Potter.
7/10 would question your sexuality and parentage again.
 

zerohour

Well-Known Member
#22
Dude Looks Rather Mo

When I read the title, I assumed it would be a lot weirder, either Keitaro was actually a ggirl or that he was cross dressing to be a model.

I wonder what that says about my state of mind...

I agree with a lot of people. This seems to be fairly sparse writing, but I'm not really put off by it. It's nice for a quick breeze through while I'm waiting for something to download or commercials to finish. Mildly entertaining, though not uproarious. Solid but not great.
 

zeebee1

Well-Known Member
#23
Dude Looks Rather Mo

The guy who writes a story about how cute another guy is doesn't get to question my sexuality.
 

T.L

Well-Known Member
#24
Dude Looks Rather Mo

But we get to call you an asshole for what you did.
 

zeebee1

Well-Known Member
#25
Dude Looks Rather Mo

Yes, but you aren't a substandard writer so you have that option.
 
Top