ElfQuest fic critique

#1
[font=Verdana, sans-serif]Things you should know before you read...[/font]
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[font=Verdana, sans-serif]This is only a very small part in what will hopefully be a much longer fannfic. I decided to post this small excerpt because I think it's the best part and I didn't want to continue on without hearing some suggestions and criticisms. [/font][font=Verdana, sans-serif]Any criticisms, suggestions, help with in universe words/language, would be incredibly welcomed.[/font][font=Verdana, sans-serif] [/font]
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[font=Verdana, sans-serif]I feel I should warn you that I wrote this over several days while watching StarTrek TOS at 2:00 in the morning. As I already mentioned there is some modern sounding words/lingo that doesn't fit into the EQ universe. I will need help on this. This is definitely not the finished product and is merely the skeletal structure. So, please forgive the horrendous spelling errors, glaring number of punctuation issues, and lack of decent sentence structure.[/font]

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[font=Verdana, Arial]Skywise still wasn't sure why he was roused from his sleep next to Aroree but when he looked out from his hollow he heard the faint sounds of wolf paws running away from the Holt. One of them was leaving just as the first light began to trickle into the sky above. Everyone else had gone to sleep some time ago, for Wolfriders didn't travel and hunt much during the light hours these days. [/font]

[font=Verdana, Arial]That meant, someone was being a sneak. [/font]

[font=Verdana, Arial]His curiosity had fully woken him up now as he quietly untangled himself from the beautiful glider beside him and swiftly put on his leathers. [/font]

[font=Verdana, Arial]The stargazer followed the signs of the wolf trail left behind. Silently: methodically; Skywise weaved through the trees, looking at the ground frequently to make sure he didn't lose the trail. After a while, he heard rustling in the distance and caught up to the noise. There was a familiar wolf with a coat of reddish brown and besides her, crouching forward into a rather large tree trunk, was the unmistakable feathery red-gold of Tyleet's hair.  [/font]

[font=Verdana, Arial]Of all the elves in the Holt, she was the last one he would have expected to be mischievous, then again, she did bring a human cub into the pack once. [/font]

[font=Verdana, Arial]The stargazer was intrigued and thrilled; as if he had just found a dream berry patch all to himself. Skywise had been fortunate enough to catch the packs most innocent elf, engaged in highly suspicious and secretive behavior. he couldn't have been more delighted to unravel the amusing riddle. [/font]

[font=Verdana, Arial]He watched intently as he saw Tyleet remove a few branches from the dear sized hollow in the dead tree. Then she pulled out a somewhat large leather sack; the kind they would take with them for hunting big game. Whatever the sack hid was odd in shape and she seemed to handle it with care. She carefully swayed the leather sack behind her back and secured the strap close to her.  [/font]

[font=Verdana, Arial]In one liquid motion, she mounted her wolf patience and was off again. [/font]

[font=Verdana, Arial]Silver eyes followed the female elf; crouched and hidden behind a think layer of leaves in the trees. She hadn't smelled or sensed him, that was good. He realized they headed away from the Holt and toward a part of their forest that rarely.  [/font]

[font=Verdana, Arial]Skywise followed Tyleet: through thick vines and branches, over streams and small marshes, and onto many inclines until the elf with the red-gold hair finally slowed to a stop. Their location wasn't so far that it would take until dark to return to the holt but definitely out of sending range . [/font]

[font=Verdana, Arial]Tyleet dismounted her wolf, taking the leather sack with her. She then sat at the base of an incredibly large tree and chose a wide crook where some of the roots forked in two different directions. [/font]

[font=Verdana, Arial]She loosened the strap of the leather sack from her chest and finally [/font][font=Verdana, Arial]finally[/font][font=Verdana, Arial] revealed the strange object inside. Surprised and incredibly confused, the stargazer subconsciously furrowed his thin silver brows. [/font]

[font=Verdana, Arial]'An instrument of some kind?'[/font][font=Verdana, Arial] [/font]

[font=Verdana, Arial]It resembled a large closed in bow but with three corners instead of one round side. It had many strings embedded into a large hollow wooden base. At least, it sounded hollow by the sound it made when Tyleet would brushed against it. The top dipped inward gracefully and had many tiny wooden levers that lined the side; He noticed that they corresponded with the many strings somehow.  [/font]

[font=Verdana, Arial]It was human made, that Skywise was certain of. He knew of Tyleets interest in humans and their culture but it was strange that she would steal something from them. What was so special about this thing that made it worth the risk? [/font]

[font=Verdana, Arial]Then, with her thin delicate fingers, she began to pluck the strings.   [/font]

[font=Verdana, Arial]His curiosity was instantly obliterated by astonishment. The sound captivated his mind and He was utterly compelled take in more of this wondrous sound. All of his external sense were flooded with bliss until he had achieved tunnel vision; there was only Tyleet and the music she was creating. It was much like "The Way" of wolf though: the melody had captured him in "the now" of existence. He never thought it possible to be immersed in such feelings by a simple collection of sounds. [/font]

[font=Verdana, Arial]Tyleet closed her eyes as a soft warm wind rustled through the leaves of the canopy. And then, she started openly sending; projecting her emotions outward into the world. Skywise was touched and wholly consumed; the vibrations of each note magnifying the peaceful euphoria between them. Oh high ones, he never knew something so beautiful could come from an object made by humans. Like a piece of the palace had turned into sound.  [/font]

[font=Verdana, Arial]It seemed the beast of the forest felt the same for he found many of them, both prey and predator alike, gathering around Tyleet and her wolf Patents. They were cautious of one another and remained at a safe distance but they were not entirely frightened or apprehensive of their presents. The predators simply looked at the pray as if they were too full to be interested in new game. [/font]

[font=Verdana, Arial]The song was coming to an end, he could feel it and it saddened him some. He completely understood now. He had no idea that the humans of this time made such wonderful treasures. [/font]

[font=Verdana, Arial]The last of the tune was strung and the animals that had gathered began slowly departing and going back to their natural behavior.  [/font]

[font=Verdana, Arial]Skywise, finally decides to reveal himself and sends a rather clouded greeting to Tyleet.  [/font]

[font=Verdana, Arial]Tyleet receives the fuzzy sending and turns toward the direction she assumes it came from. For a moment, she is confused why she adent been more startled at being caught. [/font]

[font=Verdana, Arial]*Skywise.*[/font][font=Verdana, Arial] [/font]

[font=Verdana, Arial]She sent out his name with a small hint of inquiry. As if to reaffirm something she was almost completely sure of. [/font]

[font=Verdana, Arial]The well hidden stargazer comes out from behind a rather think tree trunk and jumps down from his high perch to join her.  [/font]

[font=Verdana, Arial]Tyleet was relieved and perhaps somewhat gratified that it had been Skywise who discovered her little secret. Many harmless little adventures bonded them and had solidified their friendship rather quickly. Anyone else would have sat in judgment, given her a lecture and strongly voiced their disapproval. [/font]

[font=Verdana, Arial]Skywise sauntered over to her with a mischievous grin on his face and she smiled back knowing how pleased he was with himself to have caught her. [/font]

[font=Verdana, Arial]"I would have never expected you to be a thief Tyleet." He leaned lazily against the tree with his arms folded. [/font]

[font=Verdana, Arial]She chuckled "Oh Skywise, I'm merely borrowing it for a while." [/font]

[font=Verdana, Arial]Now it was Skywise's turn to giggle. "For an [/font][font=Verdana, Arial]extended[/font][font=Verdana, Arial] period of time no doubt." His emphasis on the word didn't go unnoticed. [/font]

[font=Verdana, Arial]Her smile widened "Perhaps." She stated without a hint of shame. [/font]

[font=Verdana, Arial]They both laughed and Skywise watched as her green eyes danced with the maryment of their banter. When they finally calmed down, Tyleet patted the grassy spot next to her in invitation. Skywise needed no further prompting and sat next to her, leaning his back comfortably against the tree trunk; one leg outstretched and the other bent to lay his arm across the knee. [/font]

[font=Verdana, Arial]"You didn't bring Timmain with you?" She had finally noticed. [/font]

[font=Verdana, Arial]His lip curled upward into a small lopsided smile "I didn't have time if I was going to catch you." That made Tyleet smile again. "Besides, I didn't want to wake her." [/font]

[font=Verdana, Arial]Skywise then looked at the instrument siting on Tyleet's lap and curiously took an index finger and slid along one of the many strings. [/font]
[font=Verdana, Arial] [/font]
[font=Verdana, Arial]"So what is this thing?" [/font]

[font=Verdana, Arial]"Humans call this a 'Harp'. I first heard it one day while hunting near one of the human villages. It belonged to one of the human children. The sound was so beautiful that I felt compelled to come back for more. Over time, I began to learn much about this instrument and one day, I watched as the cubs sire gifted her a new one. They seemed to all but abandoned this one, so I took it, hopping to return it once Redlance could make me a new one." [/font]

[font=Verdana, Arial]Her smile dwindled a bit. "I had planned to share this with the pack but I have yet to think of a way to approach our chief about it." [/font]

[font=Verdana, Arial]Silver eyes shifted upward in a thoughtful manner. "He allowed you to bring in an abandoned human cub, so perhaps he won't be so cross about this." [/font]

[font=Verdana, Arial]Skywise paused for a moment before speaking again. [/font]

[font=Verdana, Arial]"Either way, I think the Holt will feel differently once you play this 'Harp' for them. You can practically tame beast with this thing." [/font]

[font=Verdana, Arial]Tyleet smiled lightly. "I hope I get the chance." [/font]

[font=Verdana, Arial]"Tyleet.." Skywise began his question in a quiet tone and it caused her to turn toward him. "Can I hear that song once more before we return to the Holt?" [/font]

[font=Verdana, Arial]She gently smiled and closed her eyes again. "Of course." [/font]

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[font=Verdana, Arial]Well, that’s it for now. [/font][font=Tahoma, sans-serif]I hope there are enough people out there who know, or are still interested enough in [font=Tahoma, sans-serif]ElfQ[/font][font=Tahoma, sans-serif]uest for me to continue this fanfic. [/font][/font][font=Tahoma, sans-serif]ElfQ[/font][font=Tahoma, sans-serif]uest isn't the most well known comic series and even though the story is finally coming to an end, the series itself seems to have died a long time ago.[/font][font=Tahoma, sans-serif] F[/font][font=Tahoma, sans-serif]or the most part anyway.[/font][font=Tahoma, sans-serif][font=Tahoma, sans-serif] I mean, a person writes stories for them to be read right? Most of the time?[/font][/font]

[font=Verdana, Arial]As for the instermint, I chose the harp because when I first heard It as a child, I thought it was the most beautiful sounding instrument I've ever heard and I thought that the Elves would most likely feel the same, if not more because of their sensitive hearing. The song Tyleet is playing is a Full Metal Alchemist cover found here [/font][font=Verdana, Arial]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hl3zzbSwzTU&index=2&list=FLZJBm45SFRP0nHi6x1L2Txg[/font]


[font=Verdana, Arial]Also, while the song is being played with a full sized harp, the one Tyleet has in the story is the smaller version that you can put in your lap.[/font]
 

da_fox2279

California Crackpot
#2
Bear in mind, everything below is my opinion. Take it with a grain of salt.

Tyleet remove a few branches from the dear sized hollow in the dead tree
I think you meant 'a deer sized hollow', here.

she mounted her wolf patience
Patience - small capitalization error.

Silver eyes followed the female elf; crouched and hidden behind a think layer of leaves in the trees.
Hmmm... this is reading weirdly to me. Maybe 'followed the female elf, while crouched and hidden'? Just a thought.

She hadn't smelled or sensed him, that was good.
'She hadn't smelled or sensed him; that was good.'

He realized they headed away from the Holt and toward a part of their forest that rarely.
Bit of a cliffhanger there. 'Part of their forest that rarely' what. Saw visitors? Rarely hunted in?

She loosened the strap of the leather sack from her chest and finally finally revealed the strange object inside.
'finally, finally'

large closed in bow
'large closed-in bow'

The sound captivated his mind and He was utterly compelled
Small 'he', here.

It was much like "The Way" of wolf though: the melody had captured him in "the now" of existence. He never thought it possible to be immersed in such feelings by a simple collection of sounds.
'wolf thought' - needed a t.

gathering around Tyleet and her wolf Patents
Patience.

they were not entirely frightened or apprehensive of their presents
'presence'. Unless the forest animals are sitting around celebrating Two-Moon's Christmas equivalent. :)

The predators simply looked at the pray
'prey'

Skywise, finally decides to reveal himself and sends a rather clouded greeting to Tyleet.

Tyleet receives the fuzzy sending and turns toward the direction she assumes it came from. For a moment, she is confused why she adent been more startled at being caught.
Unneeded comma after Skywise. And I think you meant Skywise 'sent' and Tyleet 'received', here

The well hidden stargazer comes out from behind a rather think tree trunk and jumps down from his high perch to join her.
'rather thick tree trunk'

You appear to have changed tense, here. I don't have a problem following the story, but it is a little jarring.

Tyleet was relieved and perhaps somewhat gratified that it had been Skywise who discovered her little secret. Many harmless little adventures bonded them and had solidified their friendship rather quickly. Anyone else would have sat in judgment, given her a lecture and strongly voiced their disapproval.
Nothing to fix, here. I just rather liked this portrayal of Tyleet and Skywise's friendship. It describes Skywise perfectly.

she smiled back knowing how pleased he was
'she smiled back, knowing how pleased he was' Needed a comma, in my opinion.

curiously took an index finger and slid along one of the many strings.
Maybe it's me, but this reads a little... off. Maybe, 'curiously slid his index finger along one of the many strings.'?

practically tame beast
'practically tame beasts'

By the way, Skywise's thoughts about Tyleet's playing, how it captured the 'Way' of wolf thought, that was beautiful. I think the Pini's would agree. It read like something Wendy Pini herself would have written.

I look forward to reading the finished fic. Please link us to the complete story when you finish it.

Elfquest is series with lots of potential; it's too bad there's such little fic for it.
 
#3
da_fox2279 said:
By the way, Skywise's thoughts about Tyleet's playing, how it captured the 'Way' of wolf thought, that was beautiful. I think the Pini's would agree. It read like something Wendy Pini herself would have written.

I look forward to reading the finished fic. Please link us to the complete story when you finish it.

Elfquest is series with lots of potential; it's too bad there's such little fic for it.
Wow someone that not only responded but that actually knows about Elfquest! :eek: I'm very pleasantly surprised. :D Thank you for all the help as well. I feel downright humiliated whenever I reexamine this excerpt. I don't think I realized just how bad it was, then again, I don't have the best judgment when I can't sleep in the middle of the night. I'm pretty good at coming up with plot/story scenarios and character dialog but absolute shit with everything else.

Also, I'm extremely flattered that you felt I captured Wendy's style. That's a HUGE compliment. I was honestly thinking of scraping this fic. It's the kind of thing that makes want to continue.

And yeah, Elfquest really lost momentum once they stopped being published by Marvel Comics. They gained much needed attention under them and I don't know what happened in the 90's to make them stop. I felt people sort of forgot about the series after 'King of the Broken Wheel' since that was the last EQ comic to be published under them. Had the Pini's kept going with Marvel (or vice versa), EQ might have had a much larger fanbase willing to write fanfiction about it.

BTW what is your opinion on the Skywise x Timmain relationship? Excluding that BS from Final Quest... 
about Cutter being half of Timmain soul.  :no: :sick3:
And perhaps your opinion on the Scouter x Tyleet recognition during the late 90's early 2000's.

For me, Scouter turned into such a huge shitlord in 'Wild Hunt' that I've never been able to forget about it to this day. His characters is forever tainted by that comic and I'll probably never forgive him or Dewshine for how needlessly douchy and completely out of character they were. :spank:
 

da_fox2279

California Crackpot
#4
The Skywise/Timmain relationship took me by surprise. I knew they would likely develop more of an equal, friendly relationship, but lovers? Nope. Did not see that one coming.

Also, have not kept up with the series since The Searcher and the Sword, so that spoiler? Came right out of left field. Seriously, I'm not one to look too deep at things, but that seems more than a little farfetched, even for a series like EQ.

Scouter/Tyleet didn't strike me as weird, anymore that the Dewshine/Tyldak pairing. And yeah, Scouter really went too far during the Lehrigen storyline. I mean, I do understand where he was coming from, but taking over the leadership of the tribe was just a dick move. Still, I did make for an interesting character arc for Ember.
 
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