Ezit Watched Jojo's Bizarre Adventures

Ezit Meti

Well-Known Member
Background: I was bored. Wanted something to read. A certain someone suggested I check out Jojo's Bizarre Adventures. I'd heard of it before, obviously. Didn't know what to expect. I mean, that title could mean just about anything.

A few weeks ago I asked my brother what he thought it was about.

To paraphrase: "Sounds like an anime series about a girl named Jojo going on a journey of some sort through a surreal landscape."

He walked away with a face covered in bruises. Not because I'd hit him. I'd simply laughed that hard. For those lacking awareness, no. No, that is not what it is about. Not even remotely.

A 26 episode adaptation of the first two story arcs was made in 2012. And I'm going to watch the whole damn thing. Why do you care? Because I'm going to be posting comedic summaries of the episodes as I go.

First episode will be posted here shortly. And may god help us all.

Ezit Meti

Well-Known Member
Episode 1: Dio the Invader

England, 1868, the scene of a tragic accident. A coach carrying a wealthy family has slid off the road. An old man and a young woman happen upon the scene. The old man is called Dario Brando, and the young woman isn’t important enough to have a name.

Woman: Oh how terrible! There’s been an accident!

Dario: Oh how wonderful! A chance for easy loot!

Woman: How can you think of such things at a time like this?

Dario: I’m a colossal asshole. Runs in the family.

Young woman: The coachman is dead, the wife is dead but seems to have died protecting her child! Such a tragedy!

Dario: The father appears to have fallen outside the coach! What’s in this case then? A plot device stone mask? Eh! Screw that! I’ll just take the dead man’s wedding ring...

George Joestar: I’m not dead yet.

Dario: Truly, a rich man’s misfortune is a poor man’s fortune! Haha!

Woman: Hang on, he says he’s not dead.

Dario: Just gas escaping the body, ignore it.

George: I’m still alive!

Woman: Look, he’s grabbing your wrist!

Dario: Well... He’ll be dead in a minute.

George: Actually, I’m starting to feel better. Did you save me?

Dario: … Yes. Unfortunately, not before some scoundrel ran off with your wedding ring. (quickly hides stolen wedding ring in pocket.)

George: Bastard. Well. Never mind. So long as my son is safe. I would like to know the name of the one that saved me.

Dario: Dario Brando.

(Stone mask serves as simultaneous screen wipe and foreshadowing, as we skip ahead twelve years...)

Dario: Dio!

Dio: Yes drunken obstacle to success? I mean. Father. Yes. That’s what I meant.

Dario: I feel poorly! My kidneys feel like they spent the night being punched raw!

Dio: Sounds like the effects of alcoholism taking their toll at last. You want medicine?

Dario: I want beer!

Dio: Hey, whatever kills you faster.

(meanwhile, at the Joestar residence)

Jonathan: Ah, life sure is swell! I have a loving father, a friendly pet dog and the opportunity to show off in front of a pretty girl!

(gets his ass handed to him by two thugs)

Erina: Thank you for your help.

Jonathan: I didn’t do it for you! I’m aiming to be chivalric!

Erina: Doesn’t chivalry involve showing a modicum of respect for women and the downtrodden?

Jonathan: I dunno. Sounds kinda neat though, doesn’t it?

(The lives of these two young men are apparently bound together by the stone mask from earlier. We know this because the narrator tells us. Also...)

Dario: Booze! You have betrayed me! It is slowly and painfully killing me!

Dio: Whoever could have seen it coming I am so shocked by this development. (internally dancing the happy happy dance)

Dario: Dio, you must visit this man, George Joestar. He’s a very wealthy man I rescued twelve years ago, and he’s agreed to take care of you when I died.

Dio: See old man, this is the difference between us. If I’d saved a wealthy fool’s life, I’d own everything he had within ten years instead of dying in a booze induced stupor.

Dario: What’s a stupor? Does it have whisky in it?

Dio: God, you’re such a tool.

(A few days later, a carriage arrives outside the Joestar home. Dio disembarks with a fabulous flourish, landing in front of Jonathan Joestar)

Jonathan: Hi! You must be Dio! I’m Jonathan Joestar and I’m sure we’ll be the very best of friends.

Dio: Know how I spent last night?

Jonathan: No. How?

Dio: Fucking your mom.

Jonathan: … My mom is dead.

Dio: So what of it?

Jonathan: She’s been dead twelve years. Are you saying you dug up her corpse just to... Do that?

Dio: Nope! But now the image will live with you for the rest of your life.

Jonathan: Son of a bitch.

Dio: Speaking of!

(Dio Literally kicks the dog)

Dio: You are now mine.

Jonathan: Dude, WTF!

George: Jonathan Joestar! Did I just hear you use a heavily anachronistic phrase?! That’s it! We obey the laws of causality in this house! No soup for you!

Jonathan: Isn’t that a Seinfeld reference?

George: Backchat as well? No soup for you for rest of week!

Dio: Haha! My plan to psychologically torment Jonathan while putting myself into his father’s good graces is working a treat! Before long I’ll be named the heir instead of Jonathan, and then I can murder the shit out of George anytime I want!

George: Did you say something there Dio?

Dio: Just that I am a raging asshole.

George: Wonderful! You’ll fit into rich society like a hand into a glove.

(Dio does seem to fit in quite well into his new life, all the while making life much more difficult for Jonathan without seeming to need much effort. Then one day Jonathan gets into an outdoor boxing match with Dio)

Jonathan: Oh. Wonderful. You’re here as well. Well, you’re not beating me this time!

(Dio effortlessly beats him, and deliberately sticks his thumb into Jonathan’s eye. Does it pretty blatantly as well after the fight has already been declared in his favour. Nobody but Jonathan notices. They’re too distracted by Dio knocking the rich kid on his ass.)

Dio: And while I’m at it I’ll completely ruin your social life by spreading rumours to keep people from wanting anything to do with you.

Jonathan: (while clutching at bleeding eye) You... You raging asshole!

Dio: Don’t I know it.

Jonathan: Well... At least Danny my pet dog won’t ever leave me! Nothing Dio could ever do would take you away from me!

Erina: Oh my god you could not be tempting fate more if you tried. Here’s your handkerchief back. You left it behind after you saved me the other day.

(And so, Jonathan and Erina have adorable fun together that culminates in Jonathan carving a heart into a tree with their names in it. So adorable!)

Dio: Hi there pretty lady *forced smooch* Aaaaand now that I’ve stolen your first kiss it will drive a psychological wedge between you and Jonathan.

Henchman 1: My god, Dio is an inspiration to raging assholes everywhere!

Henchman 2: Wait, look! She’s cleaning her mouth with muddy water!

Dio: Idiot! Aside from the awful taste you’re almost certainly going to catch half a dozen terrible diseases from that!

Erina: Still a nicer experience than the kiss.

Dio: What was that? Did you say “Please slap the muddy taste out of my mouth”? Can oblige!

(A little time later)

Jonathan: Hey Erina! I’d like to personally thank you for being one of the few things still in my life keeping me sane. Boy, that Dio sure has taken to wrecking my -

(Erina flees)

Jonathan: ... The hell is going on?

Henchman 1: Haha! You’re such an idiot! It’s so much fun to watch him have no idea what’s going on!

Henchman 2: Yeah! He’ll never figure out Dio deliberately kissed her to drive a psychological wedge into their relationship by playing upon her insecurities!

Jonathan: He did what now?

(Runs through front door in a blind rage)

Jonathan: Dio! You kissed my girlfriend! Prepare to die!

Dio: Another anachronistic reference? Whatever would your father say?

Jonathan: Eat my fist!

Dio: That doesn’t sound like something he’d - (Dodges incoming fist) Oh! I see! Need another boxing lesson? Can oblige!

(Jonathan gets knocked onto his ass)

Jonathan: Damn. If I give in now, I’ll be under his thumb forever! I can’t lose!

Dio: If you’re quite finished with your temper tantrum, let’s -

(Awesome fight scene here, with the two of them beating the living shit out of one another. A spray of blood splatters the stone mask on the wall. It flies off the wall, propelled by its tendrils. Both Jonathan and Dio notice.)

Dio: Owies! You’re meeaaaaan!

Jonathan: Huh? What’s with the sudden change of attit-

George: Nice try Dio, but you’re both still being sent to your rooms.

(Later on, Jonathan hides while Erina passes by)

Jonathan: Ugh! This sucks! I’ve been systematically cut off from every form of companionship I could hope for! The only thing left is my dog Danny. At least Danny hates Dio as much as I do and will never ever leave me.

George: Sorry about this, but it turns out Danny burned to death in excruciating agony.

Jonathan: Oh. Can I have a moment to grieve?

George: Yes, certainly. But try not to dwell on it too much, after all the manga did go to the trouble of showing Danny break out of the incinerator with flames covering every inch of his body as he made a futile effort to extinguish the flames in a sequence that, had it been rendered in this anime version, would surely have given all who viewed it nightmares for the rest of their lives.

Jonathan: Yes father. Thank you for that mental image. I seem to be getting a few these days that will be rather difficult to get rid of.

George: If anything, you should be thanking Dio. He mentioned it just before he had to leave on other business.

Jonathan: Of course he did.

Ezit’s Review: Wherein I give my serious opinion about the episode!
If you went in without a clue what this was about beyond the title, the episode would’ve probably surprised you a little. “Where does the bizarre adventure come in?” you may well ask. Jojo is Jonathan’s nickname, but the adventure aspect isn’t quite present yet.

The thing is... It doesn’t need to be. This episode isn’t about the adventure. It’s about the characters. Who is Jonathan? Who is Dio? What is their relationship? How do they think, what are their general goals, what are they capable of? The adventure aspect comes in later on and this episode manages to set up the preliminary details about who these two are and does so in a way that is still interesting

Dio gets probably the most proper introduction here, in terms of how he operates. He’s ruthlessly intelligent, charismatic and a very good fighter. He has only one discernible vulnerability at this point: Pride. It would not be difficult for him to accomplish his goals through other means, but those other means would unquestionably injure his pride. So he goes with the harder less subtle option of trying to wreck Jonathan’s life.

As for Jonathan. He starts out the episode as a spoiled rich kid with a general sense that he wants to do something noble with his life. He hasn’t been really seriously challenged by all that much yet. Then Dio comes into his life and introduces that challenge, which he strives to overcome. He mostly fails, but he doesn’t give in. By the end of the episode we can see glimpses of the hero he will someday become. But he isn’t there yet. Not yet. He is on the right path, but he’s got a fair bit to travel before he gets there.

It’s a solid start to the series and is rather faithful to the manga version of events. Some scenes are shown out of order to help the episode flow a little better, and others are omitted because who wants to see a scene where a dog burns to death in all its gory glory? Didn’t think so.
so, with second part of Third Series airing now, what's your opinion?

Because necro-ing a 13 months old thread is worth my time