Naruto Fantasy Unleashed
- Thread starter Xamusel
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Well, I saw this, skimmed and exited originally but I'll give some advice. You're too descriptive and not in good ways. learn to imply through words and flow better. For example:
You have to much passive tense, people AREN'T doing things, they're being observed. Secondly, you have people knowing too much where they shouldn't. We know of like Six peopel who knew and discussed Naruto's parents, but it seems like a known fact here despite the fact that Naruto was surprised to learn from the memory imprint of Minato that he was his father. Remove all traces of his mother from being mentioned, too. Naruto knew like nothing about her.
Another thing, this here:
NO. STOP THAT. It would be just the Land of Waves, because the 'Nami no Kuni' means land of waves. Names and some techniques are one thing like Rasengan or Chidori or Kyuubi (technically) are fine but if you can use the english version of it... USE IT. Get rid of 'Neko' or the japanese honorifics. It isn't ' Orochimaru Goshuushou-sama' ITS FUCKING 'Lord Orochimaru'
Sorry, but I'm sick of honorifics and Japanese out the wazoo in stories.
Get rid of the Mizuki part. Just scrap it. He, like has been said, isn't interesting. Talking sword, even less interesting. Unless the sword is the villain possessing people or something, then keep mizuki villainous but has subtle implications that its the sword's fault or some shit.
'due to being stuck in the equivalent of a cryogenic stasis pod in the Shinobi Nations.'
NO. Do not use metaphors to things that only exist to the readers. Maybe something like 'was forced to helplessness during the destruction of her home country, locked away from the world and the effects of time thanks to the sealing technique she had been imprisoned in.'
Your OCs are also boring, I don't really care about your princess girl with her golems because she doesn't do anything. WHY IS SHE JUST GOING TO KONOHA INSTEAD OF GATHERING INFORMATION?! Again, drop the mention of Kushina being Naruto's mother. Unless you've greatly changed history, then you should emphasize that. Nobody, NOBODY Was really supposed to know that Kushina was giving birth except a certain few as we see Kakashi is the one that jacks it up and reveals to Obito in canon unknowingly yet the golem thing knows anyhow. You also have 10 year old child teleporting into the Hokage's office and there is a lot of things wrong with that and her instantly being accepted by Sarutobi.
Also, why is Naruto chasing after these boxes with numbers on them? Its bizarre and annoying with it seeming to only be there for him to run into your OC.
Also, your 'imperium guys' Not interesting. The series already has a secret group trying to revive what amounts to a god and is super powerful. You don't need another group involved, especially one of OCs.
Really, there's too much going on and there isn't a lot to be liked. Seriously, this isn't a prologue its like 7 ideas wrapped into one instead of something to start the plot into motion. I have no idea what is supposed to be the plot and I can't really be made to care about the characters, even the canon ones.
I have no idea where you want to go with this and I frankly don't like any of the 'new' things involved because they're either Mary Sue (the amazing teleporter child) or jsut another retread of something the series already has with OCs.
Also, you don't understand how to Use Orochimaru or Kabuto. They're great characters but I don't see them in your story, just their names. Do some more research and try to bring them to life in your story if you want them used because they have a presence whenever they appear in the manga/anime but none of that is here.
You have to much passive tense, people AREN'T doing things, they're being observed. Secondly, you have people knowing too much where they shouldn't. We know of like Six peopel who knew and discussed Naruto's parents, but it seems like a known fact here despite the fact that Naruto was surprised to learn from the memory imprint of Minato that he was his father. Remove all traces of his mother from being mentioned, too. Naruto knew like nothing about her.
Another thing, this here:
NO. STOP THAT. It would be just the Land of Waves, because the 'Nami no Kuni' means land of waves. Names and some techniques are one thing like Rasengan or Chidori or Kyuubi (technically) are fine but if you can use the english version of it... USE IT. Get rid of 'Neko' or the japanese honorifics. It isn't ' Orochimaru Goshuushou-sama' ITS FUCKING 'Lord Orochimaru'
Sorry, but I'm sick of honorifics and Japanese out the wazoo in stories.
Get rid of the Mizuki part. Just scrap it. He, like has been said, isn't interesting. Talking sword, even less interesting. Unless the sword is the villain possessing people or something, then keep mizuki villainous but has subtle implications that its the sword's fault or some shit.
'due to being stuck in the equivalent of a cryogenic stasis pod in the Shinobi Nations.'
NO. Do not use metaphors to things that only exist to the readers. Maybe something like 'was forced to helplessness during the destruction of her home country, locked away from the world and the effects of time thanks to the sealing technique she had been imprisoned in.'
Your OCs are also boring, I don't really care about your princess girl with her golems because she doesn't do anything. WHY IS SHE JUST GOING TO KONOHA INSTEAD OF GATHERING INFORMATION?! Again, drop the mention of Kushina being Naruto's mother. Unless you've greatly changed history, then you should emphasize that. Nobody, NOBODY Was really supposed to know that Kushina was giving birth except a certain few as we see Kakashi is the one that jacks it up and reveals to Obito in canon unknowingly yet the golem thing knows anyhow. You also have 10 year old child teleporting into the Hokage's office and there is a lot of things wrong with that and her instantly being accepted by Sarutobi.
Also, why is Naruto chasing after these boxes with numbers on them? Its bizarre and annoying with it seeming to only be there for him to run into your OC.
Also, your 'imperium guys' Not interesting. The series already has a secret group trying to revive what amounts to a god and is super powerful. You don't need another group involved, especially one of OCs.
Really, there's too much going on and there isn't a lot to be liked. Seriously, this isn't a prologue its like 7 ideas wrapped into one instead of something to start the plot into motion. I have no idea what is supposed to be the plot and I can't really be made to care about the characters, even the canon ones.
I have no idea where you want to go with this and I frankly don't like any of the 'new' things involved because they're either Mary Sue (the amazing teleporter child) or jsut another retread of something the series already has with OCs.
Also, you don't understand how to Use Orochimaru or Kabuto. They're great characters but I don't see them in your story, just their names. Do some more research and try to bring them to life in your story if you want them used because they have a presence whenever they appear in the manga/anime but none of that is here.
Okay, not trying to justify anything with this, but I guess it should be said now instead of never. This is a massive crossover, not a story with only OCs and some vague idea of a plot involved.
As such, the Imperium is actually a canonical group in one of the materials used. The fact of the matter is that they're from a Tabletop RPG that has a small following in the United States called Anima: Beyond Fantasy.
Also, for the chasing boxes thing, did you miss the clue that it was his birthday and the village was celebrating with Naruto having to go on something like an Easter Egg hunt?
Note the following: I absolutely LOATHE the use of Mary Sues! I was attempting to go with a couple Expies, but I somehow got a Mary Sue and something else that readers wouldn't care about, which troubles me greatly.
I'm not going to bring up points about the rest of the post, because I got nothing to bring up that would be true, as I hate lying.
As such, the Imperium is actually a canonical group in one of the materials used. The fact of the matter is that they're from a Tabletop RPG that has a small following in the United States called Anima: Beyond Fantasy.
Also, for the chasing boxes thing, did you miss the clue that it was his birthday and the village was celebrating with Naruto having to go on something like an Easter Egg hunt?
Note the following: I absolutely LOATHE the use of Mary Sues! I was attempting to go with a couple Expies, but I somehow got a Mary Sue and something else that readers wouldn't care about, which troubles me greatly.
I'm not going to bring up points about the rest of the post, because I got nothing to bring up that would be true, as I hate lying.
Okay, the first thing is that if you are doing a crossover, it must be done well and it must be made perfectly clear from the first part. Using a tabletop RPG as the basis of it makes it even harder. I have no experience with Anima: Beyond fantasy, and you must realize most people will not.
This makes things hard because people will think 'geez, too many OCs.' I'm not saying it can't be done well, just that it hasn't as far as I can see. There was nothing that clued me in that this was a crossover. Which makes another failing of the prologue because that should be the most apparent thing to grab peoples' interest 'how series A and B got crossed-over'
And no, I really didn't get that from his birthday because Naruto had no friends and didn't have much to celebrate before he graduated, so it is more than a stretch for me to believe the village was willing to do an Easter Egg hunt for the thing they believe to be the Kyuubi and dislike. There weren't mobs or abuse, but he was isolated, ignored and disliked by the village to the point where Naruto admits he almost turned out like Gaara.
And for the subject of you Expies, they were too young, too strong, too easily accepted, and to quickly knowledgeable about giant secrets for them to be considered anything but Sues.
This makes things hard because people will think 'geez, too many OCs.' I'm not saying it can't be done well, just that it hasn't as far as I can see. There was nothing that clued me in that this was a crossover. Which makes another failing of the prologue because that should be the most apparent thing to grab peoples' interest 'how series A and B got crossed-over'
And no, I really didn't get that from his birthday because Naruto had no friends and didn't have much to celebrate before he graduated, so it is more than a stretch for me to believe the village was willing to do an Easter Egg hunt for the thing they believe to be the Kyuubi and dislike. There weren't mobs or abuse, but he was isolated, ignored and disliked by the village to the point where Naruto admits he almost turned out like Gaara.
And for the subject of you Expies, they were too young, too strong, too easily accepted, and to quickly knowledgeable about giant secrets for them to be considered anything but Sues.
I do realize that most have no experience with Anima: Beyond Fantasy, I realize it all too well.
As far as how many items get crossed over, I am aiming for a max of ten, but I have closer to thirty at present (and I'm still in the process of cutting down the amount to reach ten).
Any other point is understood, so I'll be shutting up now for until I need to be speaking again.
As far as how many items get crossed over, I am aiming for a max of ten, but I have closer to thirty at present (and I'm still in the process of cutting down the amount to reach ten).
Any other point is understood, so I'll be shutting up now for until I need to be speaking again.
Chiming in late, if you're still looking for feedback.
1) The Mizuki scene is a little all over the place. For one, as mentioned...well, I don't think that many people care about Mizuki frankly. As far as someone to get a powerup from a crossover item which may or may not cause him to do a sudden change, he's kind of low on my list.
2) I don't know what you're going for from the Orochimaru/Kabuto scene. Is this supposed to be comedy? It's both not that funny and kind of out of place.
3) I kind of feel that the random slapstick with Naruto and Cat makes her look kind of incompetent for an ANBU bodyguard to be bowled over by an adolescent kid.
4) I don't know what to make of your OC/expy. Seems like a probable setup for older sister/love interest given the age matching. She's mildly sue-ish with the whole princess thing, but the real problem is the random disconnect of information. Her golem helper was trusted with the fact that Kushina married and had a son? Really? But the golem also doesn't know that Kushina and Minato died? And then they decide to blind teleport to Konoha without taking hardly any look around?
5) The discontinuity between the demonstrated competence of the Imperium and the narration buildup and their claimed actions is really jarring. They send a random mook with an obvious tattoo to spy on the leader without getting any background on the area first? One with no situational awareness at all? How does *that* even work? And yet they're supposed to be a big bad group that randomly created the Juubi? Really?
1) The Mizuki scene is a little all over the place. For one, as mentioned...well, I don't think that many people care about Mizuki frankly. As far as someone to get a powerup from a crossover item which may or may not cause him to do a sudden change, he's kind of low on my list.
2) I don't know what you're going for from the Orochimaru/Kabuto scene. Is this supposed to be comedy? It's both not that funny and kind of out of place.
3) I kind of feel that the random slapstick with Naruto and Cat makes her look kind of incompetent for an ANBU bodyguard to be bowled over by an adolescent kid.
4) I don't know what to make of your OC/expy. Seems like a probable setup for older sister/love interest given the age matching. She's mildly sue-ish with the whole princess thing, but the real problem is the random disconnect of information. Her golem helper was trusted with the fact that Kushina married and had a son? Really? But the golem also doesn't know that Kushina and Minato died? And then they decide to blind teleport to Konoha without taking hardly any look around?
5) The discontinuity between the demonstrated competence of the Imperium and the narration buildup and their claimed actions is really jarring. They send a random mook with an obvious tattoo to spy on the leader without getting any background on the area first? One with no situational awareness at all? How does *that* even work? And yet they're supposed to be a big bad group that randomly created the Juubi? Really?
Er, hate to break it to you, but the content that I posted is now obsolete. I'm in the process of starting this from scratch to account for all the errors that were in this and to make sure it keeps those errors out.
Still, it's nice of you to point out some additional errors to look out for, which I'll do as soon as humanly possible.
Still, it's nice of you to point out some additional errors to look out for, which I'll do as soon as humanly possible.
Ugh... I know that I should fix up what I do have for posting around here, but life has given me too many curve-balls for my liking, unfortunately. Besides which, I've decided that I'd better rewrite it from scratch, if you can believe that.
...okay, maybe the last thing was mentioned in my last post over two months ago, but still!
Anyway, I wanted some opinions about having an author's note on top of the story and on the bottom, among other things. Namely, what I'm trying to do is fix the mistakes from last time, and I want some honest opinions of what would fix those mistakes.
With that said, I'd prefer brutal honesty (in a way that sounds like it has well-intention behind it), so that I don't get all defensive of my work before I even submit it here a second time. If you guys wish to tell me what all I need to do to fix this, please, tell me what to look out for to make sure all mistakes are avoided from last time.
By the way, if anyone's wondering, I'm doing the best I can to make it obvious this is a massive crossover to those that are reading this for the first time (outside of this thread at least). I also want to make sure that readers aren't as confused as last time about the whole thing, like with Imperium (not from WH40K, from Anima: Beyond Fantasy) being in the story.
Thank you for your time. I'll be going back to the writing of this story in a bit over a week, at least because I'm going to be at a writing camp most of next week, and I'll be focusing on an original story for all that time.
...okay, maybe the last thing was mentioned in my last post over two months ago, but still!
Anyway, I wanted some opinions about having an author's note on top of the story and on the bottom, among other things. Namely, what I'm trying to do is fix the mistakes from last time, and I want some honest opinions of what would fix those mistakes.
With that said, I'd prefer brutal honesty (in a way that sounds like it has well-intention behind it), so that I don't get all defensive of my work before I even submit it here a second time. If you guys wish to tell me what all I need to do to fix this, please, tell me what to look out for to make sure all mistakes are avoided from last time.
By the way, if anyone's wondering, I'm doing the best I can to make it obvious this is a massive crossover to those that are reading this for the first time (outside of this thread at least). I also want to make sure that readers aren't as confused as last time about the whole thing, like with Imperium (not from WH40K, from Anima: Beyond Fantasy) being in the story.
Thank you for your time. I'll be going back to the writing of this story in a bit over a week, at least because I'm going to be at a writing camp most of next week, and I'll be focusing on an original story for all that time.
Not sure what exactly you're looking for in terms of additional feedback at this point. I think all the previous posts have various things covered to at least some detail, no?
Also, related to the Imperium, it doesn't matter if they're actually from something if they still feel Sue-ish and wanky, the end result is the same.
Also, related to the Imperium, it doesn't matter if they're actually from something if they still feel Sue-ish and wanky, the end result is the same.