Ranma ½ Funny Quotes

[Innortal]

"S-Sorry to interrupt," Hikoshi said timidly, standing up straight. "But... that... that thing. Do you... Do you really fight things like that all the time?"

Snake raised an eyebrow and looked at Kyle. "Like that? Well, he was a cut above your garden variety freak, but in general, yeah, that is the sort of thing we deal with. Why?"

The finance minister staggered backward, stunned. "That... That's insane! How have you survived?"

Rayden shrugged. "It is difficult to say, but I can assure you that competence has little to do with it."

<hr>

From a multi-crossover AU called Millennium. It is pretty funny mixture of a few series in a style fitting Ranma so well.

 

[Prince Charon]

"S-Sorry to interrupt," Hikoshi said timidly, standing up straight. "But... that... that thing. Do you... Do you really fight things like that all the time?"

Snake raised an eyebrow and looked at Kyle. "Like that? Well, he was a cut above your garden variety freak, but in general, yeah, that is the sort of thing we deal with. Why?"

The finance minister staggered backward, stunned. "That... That's insane! How have you survived?"

Rayden shrugged. "It is difficult to say, but I can assure you that competence has little to do with it."

<hr>

From a multi-crossover AU called Millennium. It is pretty funny mixture of a few series in a style fitting Ranma so well.

I remember that one. I keep starting to read it, and not finishing, due to distractions. Good, though

 

[Innortal]

From Deification

That was when the woman they'd called Urd met Ranma's eyes. "Well, well, well. It looks like he's awake now."

The other two turned and gave him concerned looks. The elegant woman approached, "Are you alright, sir?"

Ranma shuddered a bit at the honorific. "Uh... yeah. Nothing a couple of minutes of rest won't cure." He didn't think it would be wise to mention he probably wouldn't be able to find that much time to rest.

The elegant woman introduced. "I'm Belldandy. Thank you for help! I am glad your okay."

The man beside her nodded. "Yeah. You saved our lives. We are in your debt. I am Keiichi Morisato."

"Name's Ranma. Ranma Saotome of the Anything Goes School of Martial Arts."

Ranma frowned a bit when he noticed the reaction his name had had. Urd's eyes were as wide as dinner plates and some of the color had drained out of her face. "Oh, shit."

Needless to say, this distressed just about everybody.

"What is it, big sister?" Belldandy asked.

Ranma raised an eyebrow. The two women didn't look like sisters. Of course, it did explain the odd birthmarks on both.

"Um...," Urd started, obviously not thrilled about explaining. "Well... I guess it kinda begins about seventeen, eighteen years ago. I'd come down to Midgard to grant a woman a wish, and well... she wanted a child... and Troubadour had just dumped me..." She looked distinctly embarrassed.

"Urd," Belldandy's tone had become a bit reproachful with just a tad of embarrassment. "You didn't."

Urd nodded.

Keiichi frowned, confused. "What's going on, Bell?"

Belldandy ignored her boyfriend for now. "Who was she?"

Urd glanced at Ranma for a moment, making the martial artist really nervous. Urd shifted uncomfortably. "Nodoka Hino."

"Hino?" Belldandy echoed.

Urd nodded. "Now Saotome."

Belldandy shut her eyes. "Oh, dear."

"Um..." Ranma was not happy. What was this about his mother? What was going on? "What's going on?"

"Tell him, big sister," Belldandy suggested. "He deserves to know."

Urd sighed in defeat. She was looking anywhere but at him when she began. "Ranma. I'm Urd, Goddess of the Past, Class 2, Category 2 Restricted, and System Administrator for Yggdrasil." She sighed again, but this time focused her gaze upon Ranma. "I am also your father."

Keiichi fell from the shock.

Ranma blinked. "What did you say?" He was numb at the moment, but could feel anger and fear creeping on the edges.

Urd didn't turn away from Ranma's glare. "I am your father. On the night you were conceived, I visited your mother so I could grant her a wish. She wished she could have a child. She knew something about the man she'd marry by the end of the week, and didn't believe he'd be able to perform his duties as her husband well enough to grant her one.

Urd allowed herself to smirk a bit at the memory. "So, I used a transformation spell, and a couple of fertility spells, and... well... screwed your mother's brains out."

 

[mgsaintz]

From Deification

Oh man almost forgotten about this story, was this ever completed?

 

[Innortal]

Nope. I talked to him about it a while ago. He stopped because he lost the password to update his site.

Too bad, because I really wanted to see how that ended.

 

[Lawra]

Nope. I talked to him about it a while ago. He stopped because he lost the password to update his site.

Too bad, because I really wanted to see how that ended.

That's the weakest reason I think I've ever heard. Admit you're lazy and get over it.

 

[Tornado Ninja Fan]

From Grand Tour
Ryoga has somehow appeared on Deep Space Nine. Worf, two security guards and Garack are in the lift to accompany him to Security.

Worf, paying attention to his prisoner and trying not to pay attention to the Cardassian, made it almost ten steps before realizing he wasn't walking onto the promenade. From the sudden intake of breath, Liran, Mor, and Garack took almost as long to notice themselves. His hand dropped onto the boy's shoulder, bringing him up short as he looked around.

They were on a federation starship. The corridor was too wide to be the Defiant, and he had no idea where they were. The two Bajoran security men moved to cover the corridor behind them û there was no sign of a turbolift back there û as Worf tried to make sense of things.

Garack seemed to recover quickest. ôWell. This is most interesting. Computer,ö he waited a moment for an answering beep, ôWhat is our present location?ö

The familiar, smooth female voice answered. ôDeck twelve, section ten.ö

Worf growled, ôWhat ship, computer?ö

ôUSS Voyager.ö

There was a moment's confused silence as they processed that. Then the name registered, and the four of them nearly panicked. Ryoga just looked at them, wondering what the fuss was.

 

[greenmean]

idea thread ranma/starwars crossover.

http://z14.invisionfree.com/The_Fanfiction...showtopic=14363

"When three hundred years old you are..."

"I am more than three hundred years old, sonny. And my favorite color is green. Do you have any plans tonight?"

ps: the pig tailed time loops are also funny.

http://z14.invisionfree.com/The_Fanfiction...pic=14162&st=90

 

[Lord Raa]

I cast Necro with a random snippet from something I've been working on today.

ôWhat if I am jealous? What if IÆve been fantasising about forcing myself on Ranma-kun for some time now? What if I thought your rubbing up against Ranma in a bikini was unfair?ö

NabikiÆs jaw dropped open. ôW-what?!? Since when did you ever think about Ranma like that, Kasumi?ö

I was just in the mood for something sleazy, so I wrote this.

There's a good chance that the rest of this could become something for "How's THAT for Love?"

 

[Seed00]

Shit, I took part in a necro. Lord Raa's no less.

 

[Ordieth117]

ôImagine Jiro û a handsome and dedicated samurai. Perhaps he focuses a bit too much on honor and training. His looks: rugged, not unlike my own. His skill, unmatched. All he needs is a battlefield to prove himself on. Jiro is utterly loyal to his nation, the Country of Hills.ö

ôBut,ö I protested, sounding a bit more stupid than I needed to, ôthere isnÆt any Country of Hills.ö

ôFiction, my dear, fiction. JiroÆs one and only weakness is the beautiful kunoichi girl, Kaneko. SheÆs from the Lowland Countries, protected by their massive dikes."

Massive dikes! *ROFL*

Anyway, Karmic Echo is an awesome Naruto/Ranma cross. I highly recommend it. It's on ff.net.

Edit: added links. Thanks, Innortal.

 

[Innortal]

ôImagine Jiro û a handsome and dedicated samurai. Perhaps he focuses a bit too much on honor and training. His looks: rugged, not unlike my own. His skill, unmatched. All he needs is a battlefield to prove himself on. Jiro is utterly loyal to his nation, the Country of Hills.ö

ôBut,ö I protested, sounding a bit more stupid than I needed to, ôthere isnÆt any Country of Hills.ö

ôFiction, my dear, fiction. JiroÆs one and only weakness is the beautiful kunoichi girl, Kaneko. SheÆs from the Lowland Countries, protected by their massive dikes."

Massive dikes! *ROFL*

Anyway, Karmic Echo is an awesome Naruto/Ranma cross. I highly recommend it. It's on ff.net.

Might want to include the link. Searches on ff.net tend to be tedious at times.

"Well, this story's title has an 'a' in it as well. Do you mean this?"

 

[Black Dragon74]

Here's a bit from Innortal's Wrong Place, Wrong Time, quite possibly the best Ranma/SM crossover ever.

ôAnd you see, Mom,ö said Ranma as he stuffed the last of his clothes into the backpack, ôthatÆs why I have to leave Japan for a few centuries.ö

For the last fifteen minutes, Ranma had been explaining his current situation to his Mother, where he was currently staying, and what he would be doing soon afterwards. He left quiet that he was hoping that America would be a place he could go without the chaos following him.

He didnÆt know that Chaos was currently learning English; including phrases like ôthereÆs the pervertö and ôletÆs hit him with cold water.ö

Nodoka, however, was still envisioning the two grandchildren her son was supposed to have provided her. So, it was understandable that she had missed his entire explanation for his current troubles; much of which was her own fault in the first place.

ôWell, I gotta go, Mom,ö said Ranma as he hefted his backpack. ôIÆll call you when I get to the DiggersÆ house.ö

Nodoka finally snapped out of her stupor. ôThe what? Where? Why?ö

Sighing at the fact his time was running short, Ranma once again explained what was going on, where the fiancÚes and family were, and why he was leaving Japan.

Suffice to say, Nodoka was not amused. ôIÆm afraid you canÆt leave quite yet,ö said Nodoka.

ôUm, why?ö he asked, not seeing a problem. After all, he had explained how Sailor Moon had just ruined his life, and he needed to leave before the others could get back.

ôWell, while I am saddened that you did not give me grandchildren by being manly with Sailor Moon,ö she said, accepting that as a reason why the super heroine did not seek RanmaÆs hand in marriage or NodokaÆs help in raising her child, ôyou still must accept responsibility for what has occurred between you and Usagi Tsukino.ö

Ranma blinked. I donÆt know a Usagi, do I? He knew his memory of faces and names were pretty poor. ôUm, whoÆs she, Mom?ö

ôWhy, sheÆs the nice girl currently carrying your child.ö

Ranma fell to the ground onto his rear. ôHow?ö

Nodoka blinked, figuring he would at least remember that. Ah, my son has been manly with too many women lately to remember how he granted me one. He must be so manly; he doesnÆt have time to remember their faces. ôWell son, sheÆs the daughter of my old college roommate, who told her mother that you knocked her up with my grandchild.ö

Ranma wanted to cry. Now girls he had never even met were making claims on him. Why does this shit keep happening to me?

And here's another:

Usagi, meanwhile, was only digging her grave deeper and deeper.

ôI donÆt understand, Mom,ö said Usagi. ôI mean, weÆve only slept together once.

ôI mean, IÆve slept plenty of times with Naru, Rei, I slept that one time with Mamoru. Then there was Minako, and that one time Makoto really needed me to stay over, and...ö

Ikuko opened her fourth carton of cigarettes as Usagi kept rattling off names. She and Ranma had to be switched at birth. ThatÆs the only explanation. I mean, sheÆs nailing more people than Nodoka!

Look, UsagiÆs helping.

And another!

Cologne put down the note. ôA good read, nice plot, and very imaginative style. This is easily one of NodokaÆs better plot scripts.ö

ôHuh?ö asked Shampoo. ôWhat mean?ö

Cologne cackled. ôSimple dear child. What do you think that she has been doing to pay her way through life?ö

Kasumi smiled. ôShe always told us she was doing what she enjoyed.ö

Cologne nodded. ôShe writes for porn videos.ö

The girls all stared, asking the question everyone was thinking.

ôYou mean that stuff has a plot?ö

Okay, the question everyone but Akane was thinking.

 

[nuclear death frog]

Personally, I didn't think that story was funny at all; just vicious, ridiculous overkill. I guess it just struck me the wrong way.

 

[SoloTalent]

Misato had long ago decided everything the guy, eer, boy was saying had to be related to the shock of seeing an Angel up close and personal. She spared the battle in the distance a glance, before slamming on the breaks, her car screeching to a halt. She half expected the boy to cry about her horrible driving skills..

"If that gay bastard hits on me, I'll freaken kill em, giant robo or no!"

'Weird kid.' Misato rolled her window down, grabbing a pair of binoculars. "What are they doing..." A sick realization came to her ass the aircraft broke away from the target and began booking, a distinct whine of a cruise missile drop system reaching her straining ears. "There using a N2?!?!" she turned towards Ranma while screaming "GET DOWN!"

Only Ranma wasn't there.

"DO YER WORSE YOU BASTARDS!"

Misato turned around just in time to see the N2 mine go off, Ranma standing at the ledge overlooking the gigantic explosion with his middle finger extended to the heavens.

And then the shock wave hit them.

From Switching Places/Eva @Anime Addventure!

 

[Black Dragon74]

Personally, I didn't think that story was funny at all; just vicious, ridiculous overkill. I guess it just struck me the wrong way.

Either you're a horribly jaded person, or you were reading it in freaking Spanish or something.
I mean, look at this stuff!

ôTell them,ö growled Ranma, as they were positioned before the monk.

ôBut my mother worked so hard on the wedding,ö whined Usagi. Really, did this guy expect her to break her motherÆs heart?

Ranma rubbed his forehead. Why me? What did I ever do to deserve this? ôI donÆt want to marry you.ö

UsagiÆs eyes began to mist up. ôBut what about the baby?ö

ôTHERE IS NO BABY!ö screamed out Ranma, putting a halt to the ceremony.

The guests and family could only stare, as Usagi began to cry.

ôSon, this is very unmanly,ö stated Nodoka.

ôMother, she isnÆt pregnant; weÆve never had sex; IÆve never met her before two days ago!ö Ranma cried out.

ôYou mean not only am I not getting grandchildren from Sailor Moon, but I am also not getting any from Usagi as well?ö

Ranma gulped. His mother was now fingering the hilt of her sword. So, he was left with deciding something: did he fear his mother more, or did he not want to be married to the blond life-wrecking machine?

Ikuko was pale. If the child wasnÆt RanmaÆs, than it must be one of the others Usagi had slept with. ôNo,ö she called out. ôMy daughterÆs honor must be preserved. Continue with the ceremony!ö

There was no way in hell she was going to let that homophobic playboy Mamoru Chiba into the family.

GOLD. Solid, gleaming, GOLD.

 

[nuclear death frog]

Personally, I didn't think that story was funny at all; just vicious, ridiculous overkill. I guess it just struck me the wrong way.

Either you're a horribly jaded person, or you were reading it in freaking Spanish or something.

The former of those options, I expect. Can't read Spanish.

 

[PCHeintz72]

Personally, I didn't think that story was funny at all; just vicious, ridiculous overkill. I guess it just struck me the wrong way.

Either you're a horribly jaded person, or you were reading it in freaking Spanish or something.

The former of those options, I expect. Can't read Spanish.

I can read Spanish... somewhat. I was reasonably good back when I took the classes in high school... but lack of use would make me very slow at it.

For slapstick... of all the Ranma stories out there centering on humor... some of the ones I personally think are among the tops of the list would include (in no particular order):

- 'Sexual Endeavours' by Ichinohei Hitomi
- 'Changes' by gromittd
- 'Chaos Factor' by Nemo Blank

I found some scenes from the 'Switching Places-Eva' story amusing, and do wish it would be continued. One example from it to come to mind is the episode entitled 'bad thoughts'.

 

[bissek]

There are two branches to Switching Places-EVA. The branch where the posted quote came from, which last stopped with Ranma facing the 4th Angel while drunk (And telling Toji that he'll be seriously injured while piloting EVA-03 in episode 18), hasn't been updated in a while. The other branch, in which Rei erroneously believes that she has been ordered to seduce Ranma, is still active.

 

[Black Dragon74]

The former of those options, I expect. Can't read Spanish.

Part of the core assumption, friend. A lack of comprehension would hinder one's descent into maddened laughter just as surely as a soul too barren to appreciate such wanton schedenfreude.
Though not nearly as much, I imagine.

 

[PCHeintz72]

There are two branches to Switching Places-EVA. The branch where the posted quote came from, which last stopped with Ranma facing the 4th Angel while drunk (And telling Toji that he'll be seriously injured while piloting EVA-03 in episode 18), hasn't been updated in a while. The other branch, in which Rei erroneously believes that she has been ordered to seduce Ranma, is still active.

Huh... Active is a relative term when referring to either of them...

'Switching Places-Eva' was last updated this month... but has only had 10 episodes in the last year... and those were mostly short ones.

'Switching Places-Eva-Switcheroo' has not seen an update since 2007, so I would hardly call it active.

 

[cgobyd]

- 'Sexual Endeavours' by Ichinohei Hitomi
- 'Changes' by gromittd
- 'Chaos Factor' by Nemo Blank

Link?

 

[nuclear death frog]

Part of the core assumption, friend. A lack of comprehension would hinder one's descent into maddened laughter just as surely as a soul too barren to appreciate such wanton schedenfreude.
Though not nearly as much, I imagine.

The level of hysteria and over-wrought idiocy is what I meant about "vicious, ridiculous overkill". It was so over the top, by miles, that it ceased to be funny at all.

 

[Hawk]

- 'Sexual Endeavours' by Ichinohei Hitomi
- 'Changes' by gromittd
- 'Chaos Factor' by Nemo Blank

Link?

Chaos Factor One of my favorite Ranma stories. Unfortunately it seems dead.

 

[Innortal]

Part of the core assumption, friend. A lack of comprehension would hinder one's descent into maddened laughter just as surely as a soul too barren to appreciate such wanton schedenfreude.
Though not nearly as much, I imagine.

The level of hysteria and over-wrought idiocy is what I meant about "vicious, ridiculous overkill". It was so over the top, by miles, that it ceased to be funny at all.

It's all right, humor is very subjective, and I understand how some people might not like the story.