MUTANT TESTED, ROBOT APPROVED
FUTURAMA: WHY NOT?
A Futurama fanfic by Andrew J. Talon and The Ero-Sennin
DISCLAIMER: This is a non-profit fan based parody. "Futurama" is the property of Matt Groening and 20th Century Fox. Please support the official release.
= = =
Farnsworth: Good news, everyone! I have rebuilt the What If! Machine. After a certain someone modified it for use at illegal gambling.
Bender: Zoidberg. *Glares*
*Leela and Fry shake their heads in disappointment at Zoidberg*
Professor: And now that it’s working we can ask it a whole new round of questions. Any regrets, any curiosities, any potential results this machine will answer.
Bender: Like lottery numbers?
Professor: Anything but that.
Bender: Damn. *Snaps his shiny metal fingers*
Amy: Oh! I have one. What if Fry and I had never broken up?
Fry: Huh?
Leela: Really?
Amy: I just wanted to know.
Leela: *Rolls her eye* I’m sure it won’t change much, just how long before someone ends up decapitated.
What If Machine: Prepare to be surprised.
= = =
*The machine activate and shows the past... When Fry is complaining to Leela about how Amy is smothering him*
= = =
Fry: You see? She'll be just like all my other girlfriends!
Leela: You mean the girlfriends who either cheated on you or dumped you because you inexplicably started acting like an ass to them?
Fry: Yeah!
Leela: *Stares*
Fry: ... Wait... Are you saying... I did something to ruin my relationships?
Leela: Yes, emphatically.
Fry: ... And I knew what it was?! Is... That how it works?!
Bender: Nah, must be some stupid human thing.
Leela: Fry, you have a really good thing going on. You're dating a Martian billionaire who somehow likes you for who you are. And now for whatever reason you're dead set on ruining it. So go and keep doing that so you can be single, lonely, and not as much of a jackass.
Fry: Well, just for that, I'm not gonna break up with Amy! You're not the boss of me!
Leela: I suppose not, now get to loading that crate, we have another delivery to make.
Fry: Yes ma’am! *Defiantly loads the crate*
= = =
*And so, much later, in the buffet of the Space Titanic...*
= = =
Inez Wong: Amy! I see you're not with grandchild yet! Despite having a boyfriend for longer than a week!
Amy: But Mom, there are things that I want to do, stuff that I haven't done!
Inez: Like make us some grandchildren!
Leo: Where is your worthless boyfriend, anyway? He invisible, like last time?
Amy: But you didn't have me until you were thirty-five! I'm still in my... twenties... twenties, right? *She does some mental math* Yeah, my twenties!
Inez: Details!
Fry: *Wanders over, accompanied by Leela* Look Leela, you can't just use me as a decoy fiance for Zapp…
Leela: The last thing I need is Zapp trying to swab my decks. Can't you pretend? Please?
Fry: The thing is, I have a girlfriend. One I actually get along with very well, because I don't fool around with other women unless she’s watching!
Leela: Wait, what? *She shakes her head* Come on, unless Zapp gets the hint he won't back off!
Fry: You could kick his ass. I mean, you do it to Bender and Me all the time.
Leela: He's into that sort of thing.
Amy: *Is in full-blown Chinese argument with her mother*
Fry: Geez... *He walked up to Amy* Amy! Hey! *Hugs and kisses her* Mmm... Oh! Who are these people who look like your parents?
Amy: Ugh! They're my parents!
Leo: Huh! This Fry?
Amy: Spluh, who do you think?! This is my boyfriend, whom I love.
Inez: What your job?
Fry: I'm a... Delivery Boy, First Class. *Leo and Inez glare. Er... We work together. *Leo and Inez GLARE HARDER* Um... I also pilot the delivery ship! When Leela lets me. And I handle the weapons...
Leela: He's actually not a bad shot. He was the one who destroyed the Hubble Space Telescope, and he took out Ol' Three Eye.
Leo: Feh! Achievements are things anyone can do! *Pulls out a needle, and pricks Fry with it*
Fry: Hey! Bender’s got dibs on my blood!
Leo: This genetic sample will determine suitability! *She plugs it into a Holo-Mac, and it projects Fry. Inez then pricks Amy's finger*
Amy: Ow!
Leo: Hmm... *The holograms merge, and several possible grandchildren appear*
Inez: Ooh! Pretty...
Leo: *nods* Also, lower radiation exposure! Where are you from, anyway?
Fry: Er... The 20th century.
Inez: So, no genetic abnormalities from nuclear fallout... Cept for this brain thing. Eh, who cares!
Leo: Father our grandchildren already!
Fry: Er…
*And then Zapp approaches*
Zapp: Leela! My delicate turtle dove!
Leela: Damn. *Leads Amy off with hands firmly on her shoulders* Hey Amy, can I talk to you real quick?
Amy: *As she’s led away to leave Fry at her parents’ mercy* Aiyah, what is it? Everyone's so pushy.
Leela: I need to get Zapp off my back.
Amy: Wait, Zapp Brannigan, the guy you banged on that Vergon Six mission?
*Bender cackles elsewhere on the ship*
Leela: *She cringes* Yes... please, Amy? Let me borrow Fry as my pretend boyfriend? At least until the cruise is done?
Amy: Hm... no.
Leela: Come on, please! I’ll do, I’ll do anything you- *She notices Zapp approaching* Oh Lord.
Amy: Hmm... *She smiles* Anything, huh?
Zapp: Leela! You're friends with the Wongs? I had no idea you were so well connected... Except for with me. *Creepy smile* Perhaps we could discuss this over dinner and cham-pagen.
Leela: *Turns a desperate look to Amy, pleading silently for something resembling mercy*
Amy: *Luckily for Leela, Amy Wong was merciful* She’s not just connected, she’s property.
Zapp: What's that?
Leela: H-huh?
Amy: *She puts an arm around Leela's waist and hugs her against her rather intimately as Fry and her parents walk over* Leela's basically my personal plaything.
Zapp: Uwah?
Fry: Huh?!
Wongs: Ah?!
Leela: .... Y-yes! Oh yes, I'm all hers, and mistress is very, very possessive. She killed the last guy who touched me without permission, and he was an Emperor of 100 worlds.
Amy: Mmhm.
Zapp: Hm... Did you kill him in an erotic way?
Amy: I had him hung upside down and sawed in half from the crotch up.
Leela: I certainly found it erotic.
Zapp: Still kind of into it... But wait! Where does this Fry dork come in?
Inez: Yes. Where? *Glare*
Leo: *Glare*
Amy: Pfft, Leela's just a plaything, a toy I use when Fry isn't in reach. I love him.
Fry: Hwah...?
Amy: *She grabs Fry and kisses him passionately*
Inez: ... Oh my...
Leo: *Grins* Aiyah! Fry, we underestimated you!
Fry: Mmhwah...?
Inez: You can compete for Amy’s attention with one-eyed Captain badass with sexy body and win. You must be good for something!
Leo: This mean double the grandchildren!
Amy: Yes, yes, it does. *She rolls her eyes*
Inez: So get to it! Chop chop!
Amy: Spleesh! Are you going to keep being so pushy about it?!
Inez: Until we see you with child, yes!
Amy: Uuuugh. Can’t it wait? There is still so much depravity I've yet to subject myself to!
Fry: I can attest to that.
Amy: *Affectionately smiles to Fry* And that's why I love you, Fry, you get me.
Inez: You already have sex slave! *Pokes Leela* How much more you need? We had our fill after your great uncle died.
Leo: That was such a shame... he was a good, awful man.
Amy: ... I am horrified and fascinated at the same time.
Fry: I'm just horrified...
Leela: Little more on the fascinated side, myself.
Fry: ... But fascinated by your fascination...
Amy: *Quickly Let's get started on those grandchildren, yeah. *She grabs Fry and Leela and drags them off*
Fry: Woah!
Amy: *After leading them away* Well, there you go, one Zapp Brannigan deterred... for now.
Leela: Thanks, I’d say I owe you one but my sudden reputation as a sex-slave to billionaires is probably payment enough.
Amy: I'm pretty sure I've started a pretty awful trend, though.
Fry: What, us being together? With Leela?
Amy: No, now Zapp's going to bug me about access to you.
Fry: Me?! *Pales*
Amy: *Rolling her eyes* You’re pretty Fry, but not that pretty.
Fry: Oh. Phew.There are some things I'll do... But not that.
Amy: There are some things I never want you to do, like that.
Fry: *Hugs Amy* Thank you so much.
Leela: Don't worry about Zapp. He probably won't be as obnoxious to you as he is to me. You have money after all.
= = =
*About two hours later, Amy and Fry are watching the limbo contest on the main deck*
= = =
Fry: Hmmm... *Winces* Ow…
Amy: What happened?
Fry: Nothing, just thinking.
Amy: You need to do that less.
Fry: No argument from me.
Zapp: *Suddenly approaches* Hello Miss Wong! And Fry... I'd like to invite you to the Captain's Table tonight. Along with the lovely Leela...
Leela: *Looks up from her book* Oh Lord.
Amy: Oh? The Captain's table? Sounds ostentatious.
Zapp: I assure you it is not remotely like that. It is instead luxurious and expensive!
Amy: ... Right. Sounds nice. Fry, wear a nice suit okay? Or don't, you look good either way.
Fry: So my only suit. Got it. *As Zapp heads off* Fry: Hmmm... I had an idea... That's what it's called, right?
Amy: Generally.
Fry: Well... Leela acts really possessive and almost like, she wants me a lot. So... I have the perfect solution!
Amy: What, make the fake arrangement a real one?
Fry: ... Can I change my answer, because that sounds a lot better.
Amy: *Laughs* Come on, Fry. As much as I would like having that big boot-wearing big booty and you, you would have to, like, get Zapp killed in order for her to even consider going for it.
Fry: What if we hooked her up with someone who will meet her insanely high standards, like someone on this ship? That was my original idea.
Amy: Fry, no one on this ship, maybe even in this universe, meets her standards.
Fry: Well I guess we can head to the next universe over, then.
= = =
*And so, at dinner… Fry, Amy, and Leela were seated and waiting for the Captain*
= = =
Fry: *Low voice to Amy as he points at a broad-shouldered man walking past* Hey, how about that guy?
Amy: *Equally low* Spleeze, that guy? He definitely skipped leg day.
*Said broad-shouldered man was a horrible cephalopod from the waist down*
Fry: Okay, that one? *He points at a handsome businessman sort with a nice suit and gelled back hair*
Amy: If Leela wanted a guy that sleazy, she’d date Bender.
Leela: *She leans over to the two from Fry’s left and whispers* What are you doing?!
Amy: *Whispering back* We’re finding you a guy to properly fake Zapp out with, spluh.
Fry: *Points at a young, Leonardo di Caprio-esque young man who looks out of place among the wealthy elite, but headstrong and handsome* What about him?
Amy: *Gesturing a maybe* Ehh… seems a little doomed.
Leo: *Glares pointedly at Fry as he and Inez walk over with Zapp* Hey, delivery boy! Why you checking out other guys? You into them?
Inez: You not a cuckold are you? *She brightens* If you are, we have catalogue of men who can father our grandchild while you watch.
Zapp: No need, I would be happy to father your grandchildren. *He smirks at Amy and Leela* And any other incidental offspring you might want.
Leela: *Takes a sip of her wine* That would mean you finishing after we start, something I know you have a problem with…
*The entire ship suddenly shudders*
Fry: Wow, that burn was so harsh the entire ship nearly imploded.*He offers a high-five*
Leela: Hee-yah! *Takes the offer* But actually I think that was the ship almost hitting something.
Amy: *Gasps* But isn’t this the safest route chosen by the DOOP?
*Soon as she says this, Kif arrives*
Kif: Sir, we have a situation.
Zapp: Kif? What are you doing here?
Kif: The course you took off the company-chosen route has proven to be as suicidal as expected.
Zapp: Ah yes, the comet-laden death trap express. It will get us to our destination in under eighteen parsecs.
Kif: *Groans*
Leela: *Horrified* You sent us into a comet field?!
Zapp: Why not, this peaceful pleasure cruise needs some more excitement!
Kif: Sir, need I remind you that any damage caused to the ship would come out of the DOOP's pocket as you're in command... the financially sensible thing would be to return to the course that would ensure the least casualties.
Zapp: Oh! Well then... it’s a good thing I have this app for controlling the ship. *He pulls out his phone and brings up the ship’s controls. *He performs a few swipes* And done, we’re safely clear of the comet field.
Fry: Oh thank God.
Amy: Yeah, for a second there I thought we were doomed.
Kif: *Sighs* Give it a minute.
*The ship shudders with even greater violence*
Kif: D’oh… there we go.
Fry: What was that?!
Leela: You didn’t point us towards a Black Hole, did you?
Zapp: Of course not! I have a far less uninteresting course in mind, my significant ex! Through this demilitarized zone by the Omicronians.
Leela: The Omicronians?!
Zapp: It doesn’t get more peaceful than an area where no military is allowed.
Leela: They're ordered to shoot any ship who violates the DMZ on sight!
*Cue the Omicronians opening fire, pummeling the ship with laser cannons and missiles*
Leela: Zapp, give me those controls!
Zapp: Of course! You need to phone for more sexy lingerie? I ask because I know a site-
Leela: *She lunges to grab it*
Zapp: URK! *Slammed to the floor* Well, well! I see this is an open relationship with the Wongs-
Leela: *She grabs the controls and stands up, stomping on Zapp in the process* Ugh! *She begins steering the ship, and it maneuvers wildly* What are these, inverted!?
Zapp: It's traditional!
Fry: *As the ship heaves to and fro to avoid the gunfire and the crew and passengers panic, he stands up* Wait! I saw a Star Trek episode like this once before!
Amy: How did it end!?
Fry: I’ll remember when I use it to get us out of this! We need to get to the communications! And we're gonna need Zapp!
Zapp: Of course!
Leela: Do we really?
*And so, on the bridge*
Lrrr: *Appearing on the monitor* I am Lrrr, RULER OF THE PLANET OMICRON PERSEI EIGHT! And you have violated our territory, ill-fated passenger liner!
Fry: Look, just read these lines and this'll work out.
Zapp: Hmph! I can do my own lines! Don't tell me how to do the lines! It sickens me!
Leela: Zapp! Read the damn lines so we won’t get killed.
Zapp: Hello Lrrr, ruler of the planet Omicron Persei 8! I am Captain Zapp Brannigan, Ruler of the passenger liner Titanic! And we violated your space unknowingly. A critical navigation error! By the time we recognized it, we were well in the DMZ!
Lrrr: Hm. Seems reasonable.
Zapp: Excellent! Now then, I will go aboard your ship to discuss our returning to Earth space, unmolested...
Lrrr: We find this acceptable.
Zapp: Good! I'm coming aboard! As is the rest of my party! Have some snacks waiting for us.
Fry: Wait, what?
Lrrr: They'll arrive soon enough.
Leela/Amy: Oh Lord.
Zapp: Excellent!
*And so, aboard the flagship of the Omicronians...*
Fry: Um... Ooh boy...
Zapp: Welcome, despicable cowardly conquerors!
Lrrr: Zapp Brannigan, the infamous incinerator of Infantania 2. Welcome aboard.
Ndnd: *Standing beside her husband* We shall now begin discussing the terms of your safe
passage.
Zapp: Good! I would like first class accommodations, Kif can sit with the luggage.
Kif: *Sigh* She meant of the Titanic, sir.
Zapp: Oh. Yes! I would like to keep my private cabin... With Leela alongside, if Miss Wong were
so kind... *Fry holds up a script* Oh! And we'd like to return to DOOP space, please.
Lrrr: And what tribute are you willing to offer us? Preferably something edible, that won't struggle much.
Zapp: Why... Uh... Um...
Ndnd: *Eyeroll* And dripping with barbecue sauce, I imagine.
Lrrr: Not now, woman...
Zapp: I don’t see anything wrong with this arrangement.
*Amy, Fry, Leela, and Kif gasp*
Leela: Oh Lord, they’re going to eat us!
Amy: Fry, what do we do? What happens next in the episode?
Fry: Well, then we’d laugh at the superior intell-Oh, wait... I had the wrong episode...
Zapp: Why, we can offer you the steerage passengers, who are all Irish and thus flush with alcohol! And my uh... First Officer, Fry! *Shoves him forward*
Fry: Eh?!
Ndnd: Hmm... I could make a nice flambe with that. You like flambe right?
Lrrr: Actually, that sounds pretty good, Ndnd.
Amy: That's not your first officer! He is! *She points to Kif*
Kif: *Ripping off his rank insignia* DohonoI’mnot.
Zapp: I just promoted him!
Lrrr: *He looks Fry over, and hums* Have we met before?
Fry: Uh, yes actually! Several times.*Smacks his head* Duh! I remember... HOLD, Omicronian
Rulers! *Holds his hand up* The Captain is lying to you!
Zapp: What?!
Lrrr/Ndnd: Wha?!
Fry: As you are well aware, I am a human from the 21st century. People who could never lie, due to the fact it was painfully easy to check our Facebook and Twitter to see what we were really doing!
Lrrr: A twenty-first century man. Ndnd, he's right!
Fry: And as such, the Titanic straying into your DMZ was NO navigational error!
Zapp: *Gasp!* You traitor!
Fry: It was, instead, the result of Captain Brannigan's own lust for glory and adventure. He has not been himself this last voyage, coming down with all the classic symptoms of... Space Madness! I do not believe he is sane.
Zapp: That's a lie and insane! I'LL KILL YOU! *He tackles Fry and begins to choke him*
Fry: HURK! GLACK!
Leela: HEE-YAH! *Kick*
Zapp: GAH!
Leela: Kif! Restrain him!
Kif: A-at once.
Zapp: You traitor! I'll kill you! I'll kill you all!
Amy: Even Leela?
Zapp: EVEN HER! SEXILY!
Amy: So you see? Space Madness. He's even willing to kill the only woman who physically loved him.
Fry: *nods* Yes... Gruh... *Rubs his neck* Geez…
Amy: Oh sweetie! *She hugs Fry*
Fry: So you see, Great Rulers of Omicron Persei 8, the entire crew and passengers should not be held responsible for the crimes of one man. I mean, when he's suffering Space Madness at least.
Lrrr: Hmm... you're right.
*He promptly eats Zapp*
Zapp: AUGH!
Fry: Gah!
Amy: AHH!
Leela: Oh my God!
Kif: *His mouth just drops open, and then he smiles*
Lrrr: The tribute has been paid! The Titanic is free to carry on its course to safe space!
Fry: Uh... Sure... *coughs* Right! Right... Right...
= = =
*And so, the Titanic returns to DOOP space*
= = =
Leela: I can't believe Zapp's dead.
Kif: *Silently steering the ship, his expression still frozen in undeniable joy*
Fry: *sniffles* I was just going to fake his death! I was planning on faking his death and rescuing him later! *sobs* I know he was... A genocidal moron... But even so...!
Leela: No, no Fry, no... no sweetie, no… *She places a hand on Fry's shoulder* This worked out better than we all could imagine.
Fry: I still feel bad...!
Amy: Fry, don't feel bad. He tried to have you killed, you and Bender. Killed!
Fry: I... Yeah... Still... *sniffles* I'm a better person than he was, so I'm gonna feel sad.
Amy: Aw... and that's why you're so sweet. *Kisses him on the cheek* But look on the bright side.
Fry: What?
Amy: *She looks to Leela* Hey, since Fry got Zapp killed, want to have a victory threesome?
Leela: *She hums, shrugs her shoulders* Sure.
Fry: *His mouth falls open*
Amy: *Looks back to Fry* See?
*Cue Bender storming onto the bridge, super excited*
Bender: Guys! Guys! You won’t believe this! I schmoozed on this rich chick and now she wants to be my sugar mama! I’m set for life! What did you losers do?
Fry: I killed Zapp Brannigan and now I'm in command of the ship, and I’m going to get a victory threesome.
Bender: *Immediately disappointed* Wow, my subplot suddenly sucks in comparison.
Fry: Sorry buddy.
Bender: Hey if you’re in charge, does this mean I can be the chief of security?
*Fry looked to Kif, who was still blissfully replaying the happiest moment in his life over and over*
Fry: Sure, why not.
Bender: Great, I’m going to go abuse my position and rob first class passengers, later chumps.
Fry: Make it so, Mr. Rodriguez.
= = =
*SOME YEARS LATER...*
= = =
*A visibly pregnant Amy and Leela are watching television, when Fry walks back into the TV room at Planet Express, two kids hanging off his hands, and Bender and a teenaged Cubert following*
Fry: We're home!
Alice: Mommy! *A purple-haired girl with two eyes runs to Leela*
Leela: Aw, hey sweetie!
Yancy: *A half-asian, red-haired boy runs to Amy* Hey mom! Cubert got caught in the gears of the landing system again! It was so funny!
Cubert: *Annoyed, and injured* Why do I have to be the delivery boy?!
Amy: Because Fry's the Captain, spluh. *She hugs him* How was the mission?
Fry: Pretty good. Ever since the Omicronians joined DOOP, space has been pretty peaceful! Still some space pirates to deal with, but we got ‘em.
Bender: I got one’s booty! *Holds up a green, blood-dripping butt of an alien* And his treasure!
Cubert: Why do you still come along, anyway? Aren’t you married to that rich countess?
Bender: Ah, my fleshy meatbag, you fail to understand the nature of marriage. Besides,
deliveries like this ensure I’m known as a sexy, flamboyant space hero when I eventually become a wealthy widower, heh heh.
Leela: You’re such a romantic.
Bender: It’s a gift and a curse.
Fry: *Hugs Leela too* Mm… So, how is the new Manager of Sales job going?
Leela: It goes pretty well. And you haven’t pissed me off lately, so I haven’t needed to send you on any excessively dangerous deliveries. *scowls* Still want to go out with you guys.
Hermes: The maternity policy is very strict: No pregnant women allowed on deliveries! Especially given the lax lawsuit insurance we have!
Leela: You have to remind me of that every time?
Hermes: Of course I do!
Leela: Well, why can’t the Professor just ask Mom for the money for the insurance?
Hermes: *shakes his head* Oh, you know how those two old bats are. When they’re not screwing, dere forgettin’ they even did it!
Leela: Blech! *sighs* Still can’t wait to go out again.
Fry:*Yawns, scratching his five o'clock shadow* Geez... I am being run ragged. *He pulls off his jacket and shirt, revealing he's now ripped* Still, I lost all my pudge! And my love-handles!
Amy: *Bites her lower lip* That's fine.
Leela: There’s still other places to hold onto.
Fry: I'm even sleeping regularly and eating healthy! *shakes his head* Bender, what's happening to me?
Bender: As an expert of the condition, I would say that you have a severe case of winning at life.
Fry: Huh, so this is what it’s like. I thought it’d involve more cocaine.
= = =
*The What-If Display fades to black*
= = =
Fry: Huh, everyone didn’t die this time.
Leela: Wow, Fry, if you hadn't dumped Amy in a moment of selfish arrogance, Zapp would be dead. Bender would be a Count.
Bender: I would, wouldn't I?
Leela: Omicron Persei Eight would've joined the DOOP and peace would reign across the galaxy.
Amy: And Kif would have been made captain!
Professor: And I would've gotten back together with Mom, and we'd all be reaping the benefits.
Zoidberg: And I'd have had human afterbirth to eat!
Amy: Spleesh Fry, you really were an idiot!
Fry: *Feels low* I'm sorry guys. I made a mistake! A really, really, huge and awful mistake.
Leela: It's all right, Fry. No one's perfect.
Farnsworth: Or, conversely, all of that might have not happened and you all could have been killed when Lrrr had a bad reaction to Zapp's hair spray or when his girdle snapped and blocked his digestive tract with all that compressed fat; thus the Titanic would have been blown to bits, and the universe as a whole would have come to a terrifying, crushing end! *Adjusts his glasses* Due to Fry still needing to have sex with his grandmother to be born at that point.
Fry: Oh yeah. I still had to do that.
Leela: The point is! I'm pretty sure we all have been faced with decisions that would've benefitted everyone forever, but made the wrong choice.
*One check with the What If Machine later*
Leela: Huh, no one else.
Amy: I’m kind of disappointed.
Hermes: Well I'm satisfied in having made all the right decisions in life! *Narrows gaze at Zoidberg* Except one...
Professor: Even Zoidberg has never been faced with such a choice.
Fry: *sobbing* OHHH WHY? WHY? WHYYYY?! I RUINED MY OWN LIFE AND MADE EVERYONE ELSE’S UNFULFILLED BY COMPARISON!
Bender: Look at it this way, Fry. Thanks to you dumpin' Amy, I am still great!
Zoidberg: But wait friends. Something concerns me. The Omicronians, Amy and Fry dating, didn't that happen after the Titanic sank?
*Silence*
Leela: Hey yeah! It did!
Amy: I remember now! Spleesh Professor, did you check the machine at all?
Farnsworth: Oh my… I think I made a slight mistake with the last update to the machine’s anti-viral software. Confusing the backups, you know.
Fry: Oh... So... can you fix it so we can ask it over?
Professor: Hmm... perhaps, but I'm too tired to do all of that.
Bender: Yeah! Besides, there's only one true method to dealing with life's regrets.
Leela: And that is?
Bender: *Produces a bunch of beer* GETTING HAMMERED! WOOO!
Everyone: *Murmurs of agreement as the beers are passed around*
Fry: Still... I can't help but wonder what kind of man I might be someday.
Amy: Well, that's what the machine is for, right?
Leela: And life, too... You'll figure it out. Someday.
Fry: Aw... Thanks, you two.
Bender: OI! Enough wrap up, MORE DRINKING!
= = =
THE END
FUTURAMA: WHY NOT?
A Futurama fanfic by Andrew J. Talon and The Ero-Sennin
DISCLAIMER: This is a non-profit fan based parody. "Futurama" is the property of Matt Groening and 20th Century Fox. Please support the official release.
= = =
Farnsworth: Good news, everyone! I have rebuilt the What If! Machine. After a certain someone modified it for use at illegal gambling.
Bender: Zoidberg. *Glares*
*Leela and Fry shake their heads in disappointment at Zoidberg*
Professor: And now that it’s working we can ask it a whole new round of questions. Any regrets, any curiosities, any potential results this machine will answer.
Bender: Like lottery numbers?
Professor: Anything but that.
Bender: Damn. *Snaps his shiny metal fingers*
Amy: Oh! I have one. What if Fry and I had never broken up?
Fry: Huh?
Leela: Really?
Amy: I just wanted to know.
Leela: *Rolls her eye* I’m sure it won’t change much, just how long before someone ends up decapitated.
What If Machine: Prepare to be surprised.
= = =
*The machine activate and shows the past... When Fry is complaining to Leela about how Amy is smothering him*
= = =
Fry: You see? She'll be just like all my other girlfriends!
Leela: You mean the girlfriends who either cheated on you or dumped you because you inexplicably started acting like an ass to them?
Fry: Yeah!
Leela: *Stares*
Fry: ... Wait... Are you saying... I did something to ruin my relationships?
Leela: Yes, emphatically.
Fry: ... And I knew what it was?! Is... That how it works?!
Bender: Nah, must be some stupid human thing.
Leela: Fry, you have a really good thing going on. You're dating a Martian billionaire who somehow likes you for who you are. And now for whatever reason you're dead set on ruining it. So go and keep doing that so you can be single, lonely, and not as much of a jackass.
Fry: Well, just for that, I'm not gonna break up with Amy! You're not the boss of me!
Leela: I suppose not, now get to loading that crate, we have another delivery to make.
Fry: Yes ma’am! *Defiantly loads the crate*
= = =
*And so, much later, in the buffet of the Space Titanic...*
= = =
Inez Wong: Amy! I see you're not with grandchild yet! Despite having a boyfriend for longer than a week!
Amy: But Mom, there are things that I want to do, stuff that I haven't done!
Inez: Like make us some grandchildren!
Leo: Where is your worthless boyfriend, anyway? He invisible, like last time?
Amy: But you didn't have me until you were thirty-five! I'm still in my... twenties... twenties, right? *She does some mental math* Yeah, my twenties!
Inez: Details!
Fry: *Wanders over, accompanied by Leela* Look Leela, you can't just use me as a decoy fiance for Zapp…
Leela: The last thing I need is Zapp trying to swab my decks. Can't you pretend? Please?
Fry: The thing is, I have a girlfriend. One I actually get along with very well, because I don't fool around with other women unless she’s watching!
Leela: Wait, what? *She shakes her head* Come on, unless Zapp gets the hint he won't back off!
Fry: You could kick his ass. I mean, you do it to Bender and Me all the time.
Leela: He's into that sort of thing.
Amy: *Is in full-blown Chinese argument with her mother*
Fry: Geez... *He walked up to Amy* Amy! Hey! *Hugs and kisses her* Mmm... Oh! Who are these people who look like your parents?
Amy: Ugh! They're my parents!
Leo: Huh! This Fry?
Amy: Spluh, who do you think?! This is my boyfriend, whom I love.
Inez: What your job?
Fry: I'm a... Delivery Boy, First Class. *Leo and Inez glare. Er... We work together. *Leo and Inez GLARE HARDER* Um... I also pilot the delivery ship! When Leela lets me. And I handle the weapons...
Leela: He's actually not a bad shot. He was the one who destroyed the Hubble Space Telescope, and he took out Ol' Three Eye.
Leo: Feh! Achievements are things anyone can do! *Pulls out a needle, and pricks Fry with it*
Fry: Hey! Bender’s got dibs on my blood!
Leo: This genetic sample will determine suitability! *She plugs it into a Holo-Mac, and it projects Fry. Inez then pricks Amy's finger*
Amy: Ow!
Leo: Hmm... *The holograms merge, and several possible grandchildren appear*
Inez: Ooh! Pretty...
Leo: *nods* Also, lower radiation exposure! Where are you from, anyway?
Fry: Er... The 20th century.
Inez: So, no genetic abnormalities from nuclear fallout... Cept for this brain thing. Eh, who cares!
Leo: Father our grandchildren already!
Fry: Er…
*And then Zapp approaches*
Zapp: Leela! My delicate turtle dove!
Leela: Damn. *Leads Amy off with hands firmly on her shoulders* Hey Amy, can I talk to you real quick?
Amy: *As she’s led away to leave Fry at her parents’ mercy* Aiyah, what is it? Everyone's so pushy.
Leela: I need to get Zapp off my back.
Amy: Wait, Zapp Brannigan, the guy you banged on that Vergon Six mission?
*Bender cackles elsewhere on the ship*
Leela: *She cringes* Yes... please, Amy? Let me borrow Fry as my pretend boyfriend? At least until the cruise is done?
Amy: Hm... no.
Leela: Come on, please! I’ll do, I’ll do anything you- *She notices Zapp approaching* Oh Lord.
Amy: Hmm... *She smiles* Anything, huh?
Zapp: Leela! You're friends with the Wongs? I had no idea you were so well connected... Except for with me. *Creepy smile* Perhaps we could discuss this over dinner and cham-pagen.
Leela: *Turns a desperate look to Amy, pleading silently for something resembling mercy*
Amy: *Luckily for Leela, Amy Wong was merciful* She’s not just connected, she’s property.
Zapp: What's that?
Leela: H-huh?
Amy: *She puts an arm around Leela's waist and hugs her against her rather intimately as Fry and her parents walk over* Leela's basically my personal plaything.
Zapp: Uwah?
Fry: Huh?!
Wongs: Ah?!
Leela: .... Y-yes! Oh yes, I'm all hers, and mistress is very, very possessive. She killed the last guy who touched me without permission, and he was an Emperor of 100 worlds.
Amy: Mmhm.
Zapp: Hm... Did you kill him in an erotic way?
Amy: I had him hung upside down and sawed in half from the crotch up.
Leela: I certainly found it erotic.
Zapp: Still kind of into it... But wait! Where does this Fry dork come in?
Inez: Yes. Where? *Glare*
Leo: *Glare*
Amy: Pfft, Leela's just a plaything, a toy I use when Fry isn't in reach. I love him.
Fry: Hwah...?
Amy: *She grabs Fry and kisses him passionately*
Inez: ... Oh my...
Leo: *Grins* Aiyah! Fry, we underestimated you!
Fry: Mmhwah...?
Inez: You can compete for Amy’s attention with one-eyed Captain badass with sexy body and win. You must be good for something!
Leo: This mean double the grandchildren!
Amy: Yes, yes, it does. *She rolls her eyes*
Inez: So get to it! Chop chop!
Amy: Spleesh! Are you going to keep being so pushy about it?!
Inez: Until we see you with child, yes!
Amy: Uuuugh. Can’t it wait? There is still so much depravity I've yet to subject myself to!
Fry: I can attest to that.
Amy: *Affectionately smiles to Fry* And that's why I love you, Fry, you get me.
Inez: You already have sex slave! *Pokes Leela* How much more you need? We had our fill after your great uncle died.
Leo: That was such a shame... he was a good, awful man.
Amy: ... I am horrified and fascinated at the same time.
Fry: I'm just horrified...
Leela: Little more on the fascinated side, myself.
Fry: ... But fascinated by your fascination...
Amy: *Quickly Let's get started on those grandchildren, yeah. *She grabs Fry and Leela and drags them off*
Fry: Woah!
Amy: *After leading them away* Well, there you go, one Zapp Brannigan deterred... for now.
Leela: Thanks, I’d say I owe you one but my sudden reputation as a sex-slave to billionaires is probably payment enough.
Amy: I'm pretty sure I've started a pretty awful trend, though.
Fry: What, us being together? With Leela?
Amy: No, now Zapp's going to bug me about access to you.
Fry: Me?! *Pales*
Amy: *Rolling her eyes* You’re pretty Fry, but not that pretty.
Fry: Oh. Phew.There are some things I'll do... But not that.
Amy: There are some things I never want you to do, like that.
Fry: *Hugs Amy* Thank you so much.
Leela: Don't worry about Zapp. He probably won't be as obnoxious to you as he is to me. You have money after all.
= = =
*About two hours later, Amy and Fry are watching the limbo contest on the main deck*
= = =
Fry: Hmmm... *Winces* Ow…
Amy: What happened?
Fry: Nothing, just thinking.
Amy: You need to do that less.
Fry: No argument from me.
Zapp: *Suddenly approaches* Hello Miss Wong! And Fry... I'd like to invite you to the Captain's Table tonight. Along with the lovely Leela...
Leela: *Looks up from her book* Oh Lord.
Amy: Oh? The Captain's table? Sounds ostentatious.
Zapp: I assure you it is not remotely like that. It is instead luxurious and expensive!
Amy: ... Right. Sounds nice. Fry, wear a nice suit okay? Or don't, you look good either way.
Fry: So my only suit. Got it. *As Zapp heads off* Fry: Hmmm... I had an idea... That's what it's called, right?
Amy: Generally.
Fry: Well... Leela acts really possessive and almost like, she wants me a lot. So... I have the perfect solution!
Amy: What, make the fake arrangement a real one?
Fry: ... Can I change my answer, because that sounds a lot better.
Amy: *Laughs* Come on, Fry. As much as I would like having that big boot-wearing big booty and you, you would have to, like, get Zapp killed in order for her to even consider going for it.
Fry: What if we hooked her up with someone who will meet her insanely high standards, like someone on this ship? That was my original idea.
Amy: Fry, no one on this ship, maybe even in this universe, meets her standards.
Fry: Well I guess we can head to the next universe over, then.
= = =
*And so, at dinner… Fry, Amy, and Leela were seated and waiting for the Captain*
= = =
Fry: *Low voice to Amy as he points at a broad-shouldered man walking past* Hey, how about that guy?
Amy: *Equally low* Spleeze, that guy? He definitely skipped leg day.
*Said broad-shouldered man was a horrible cephalopod from the waist down*
Fry: Okay, that one? *He points at a handsome businessman sort with a nice suit and gelled back hair*
Amy: If Leela wanted a guy that sleazy, she’d date Bender.
Leela: *She leans over to the two from Fry’s left and whispers* What are you doing?!
Amy: *Whispering back* We’re finding you a guy to properly fake Zapp out with, spluh.
Fry: *Points at a young, Leonardo di Caprio-esque young man who looks out of place among the wealthy elite, but headstrong and handsome* What about him?
Amy: *Gesturing a maybe* Ehh… seems a little doomed.
Leo: *Glares pointedly at Fry as he and Inez walk over with Zapp* Hey, delivery boy! Why you checking out other guys? You into them?
Inez: You not a cuckold are you? *She brightens* If you are, we have catalogue of men who can father our grandchild while you watch.
Zapp: No need, I would be happy to father your grandchildren. *He smirks at Amy and Leela* And any other incidental offspring you might want.
Leela: *Takes a sip of her wine* That would mean you finishing after we start, something I know you have a problem with…
*The entire ship suddenly shudders*
Fry: Wow, that burn was so harsh the entire ship nearly imploded.*He offers a high-five*
Leela: Hee-yah! *Takes the offer* But actually I think that was the ship almost hitting something.
Amy: *Gasps* But isn’t this the safest route chosen by the DOOP?
*Soon as she says this, Kif arrives*
Kif: Sir, we have a situation.
Zapp: Kif? What are you doing here?
Kif: The course you took off the company-chosen route has proven to be as suicidal as expected.
Zapp: Ah yes, the comet-laden death trap express. It will get us to our destination in under eighteen parsecs.
Kif: *Groans*
Leela: *Horrified* You sent us into a comet field?!
Zapp: Why not, this peaceful pleasure cruise needs some more excitement!
Kif: Sir, need I remind you that any damage caused to the ship would come out of the DOOP's pocket as you're in command... the financially sensible thing would be to return to the course that would ensure the least casualties.
Zapp: Oh! Well then... it’s a good thing I have this app for controlling the ship. *He pulls out his phone and brings up the ship’s controls. *He performs a few swipes* And done, we’re safely clear of the comet field.
Fry: Oh thank God.
Amy: Yeah, for a second there I thought we were doomed.
Kif: *Sighs* Give it a minute.
*The ship shudders with even greater violence*
Kif: D’oh… there we go.
Fry: What was that?!
Leela: You didn’t point us towards a Black Hole, did you?
Zapp: Of course not! I have a far less uninteresting course in mind, my significant ex! Through this demilitarized zone by the Omicronians.
Leela: The Omicronians?!
Zapp: It doesn’t get more peaceful than an area where no military is allowed.
Leela: They're ordered to shoot any ship who violates the DMZ on sight!
*Cue the Omicronians opening fire, pummeling the ship with laser cannons and missiles*
Leela: Zapp, give me those controls!
Zapp: Of course! You need to phone for more sexy lingerie? I ask because I know a site-
Leela: *She lunges to grab it*
Zapp: URK! *Slammed to the floor* Well, well! I see this is an open relationship with the Wongs-
Leela: *She grabs the controls and stands up, stomping on Zapp in the process* Ugh! *She begins steering the ship, and it maneuvers wildly* What are these, inverted!?
Zapp: It's traditional!
Fry: *As the ship heaves to and fro to avoid the gunfire and the crew and passengers panic, he stands up* Wait! I saw a Star Trek episode like this once before!
Amy: How did it end!?
Fry: I’ll remember when I use it to get us out of this! We need to get to the communications! And we're gonna need Zapp!
Zapp: Of course!
Leela: Do we really?
*And so, on the bridge*
Lrrr: *Appearing on the monitor* I am Lrrr, RULER OF THE PLANET OMICRON PERSEI EIGHT! And you have violated our territory, ill-fated passenger liner!
Fry: Look, just read these lines and this'll work out.
Zapp: Hmph! I can do my own lines! Don't tell me how to do the lines! It sickens me!
Leela: Zapp! Read the damn lines so we won’t get killed.
Zapp: Hello Lrrr, ruler of the planet Omicron Persei 8! I am Captain Zapp Brannigan, Ruler of the passenger liner Titanic! And we violated your space unknowingly. A critical navigation error! By the time we recognized it, we were well in the DMZ!
Lrrr: Hm. Seems reasonable.
Zapp: Excellent! Now then, I will go aboard your ship to discuss our returning to Earth space, unmolested...
Lrrr: We find this acceptable.
Zapp: Good! I'm coming aboard! As is the rest of my party! Have some snacks waiting for us.
Fry: Wait, what?
Lrrr: They'll arrive soon enough.
Leela/Amy: Oh Lord.
Zapp: Excellent!
*And so, aboard the flagship of the Omicronians...*
Fry: Um... Ooh boy...
Zapp: Welcome, despicable cowardly conquerors!
Lrrr: Zapp Brannigan, the infamous incinerator of Infantania 2. Welcome aboard.
Ndnd: *Standing beside her husband* We shall now begin discussing the terms of your safe
passage.
Zapp: Good! I would like first class accommodations, Kif can sit with the luggage.
Kif: *Sigh* She meant of the Titanic, sir.
Zapp: Oh. Yes! I would like to keep my private cabin... With Leela alongside, if Miss Wong were
so kind... *Fry holds up a script* Oh! And we'd like to return to DOOP space, please.
Lrrr: And what tribute are you willing to offer us? Preferably something edible, that won't struggle much.
Zapp: Why... Uh... Um...
Ndnd: *Eyeroll* And dripping with barbecue sauce, I imagine.
Lrrr: Not now, woman...
Zapp: I don’t see anything wrong with this arrangement.
*Amy, Fry, Leela, and Kif gasp*
Leela: Oh Lord, they’re going to eat us!
Amy: Fry, what do we do? What happens next in the episode?
Fry: Well, then we’d laugh at the superior intell-Oh, wait... I had the wrong episode...
Zapp: Why, we can offer you the steerage passengers, who are all Irish and thus flush with alcohol! And my uh... First Officer, Fry! *Shoves him forward*
Fry: Eh?!
Ndnd: Hmm... I could make a nice flambe with that. You like flambe right?
Lrrr: Actually, that sounds pretty good, Ndnd.
Amy: That's not your first officer! He is! *She points to Kif*
Kif: *Ripping off his rank insignia* DohonoI’mnot.
Zapp: I just promoted him!
Lrrr: *He looks Fry over, and hums* Have we met before?
Fry: Uh, yes actually! Several times.*Smacks his head* Duh! I remember... HOLD, Omicronian
Rulers! *Holds his hand up* The Captain is lying to you!
Zapp: What?!
Lrrr/Ndnd: Wha?!
Fry: As you are well aware, I am a human from the 21st century. People who could never lie, due to the fact it was painfully easy to check our Facebook and Twitter to see what we were really doing!
Lrrr: A twenty-first century man. Ndnd, he's right!
Fry: And as such, the Titanic straying into your DMZ was NO navigational error!
Zapp: *Gasp!* You traitor!
Fry: It was, instead, the result of Captain Brannigan's own lust for glory and adventure. He has not been himself this last voyage, coming down with all the classic symptoms of... Space Madness! I do not believe he is sane.
Zapp: That's a lie and insane! I'LL KILL YOU! *He tackles Fry and begins to choke him*
Fry: HURK! GLACK!
Leela: HEE-YAH! *Kick*
Zapp: GAH!
Leela: Kif! Restrain him!
Kif: A-at once.
Zapp: You traitor! I'll kill you! I'll kill you all!
Amy: Even Leela?
Zapp: EVEN HER! SEXILY!
Amy: So you see? Space Madness. He's even willing to kill the only woman who physically loved him.
Fry: *nods* Yes... Gruh... *Rubs his neck* Geez…
Amy: Oh sweetie! *She hugs Fry*
Fry: So you see, Great Rulers of Omicron Persei 8, the entire crew and passengers should not be held responsible for the crimes of one man. I mean, when he's suffering Space Madness at least.
Lrrr: Hmm... you're right.
*He promptly eats Zapp*
Zapp: AUGH!
Fry: Gah!
Amy: AHH!
Leela: Oh my God!
Kif: *His mouth just drops open, and then he smiles*
Lrrr: The tribute has been paid! The Titanic is free to carry on its course to safe space!
Fry: Uh... Sure... *coughs* Right! Right... Right...
= = =
*And so, the Titanic returns to DOOP space*
= = =
Leela: I can't believe Zapp's dead.
Kif: *Silently steering the ship, his expression still frozen in undeniable joy*
Fry: *sniffles* I was just going to fake his death! I was planning on faking his death and rescuing him later! *sobs* I know he was... A genocidal moron... But even so...!
Leela: No, no Fry, no... no sweetie, no… *She places a hand on Fry's shoulder* This worked out better than we all could imagine.
Fry: I still feel bad...!
Amy: Fry, don't feel bad. He tried to have you killed, you and Bender. Killed!
Fry: I... Yeah... Still... *sniffles* I'm a better person than he was, so I'm gonna feel sad.
Amy: Aw... and that's why you're so sweet. *Kisses him on the cheek* But look on the bright side.
Fry: What?
Amy: *She looks to Leela* Hey, since Fry got Zapp killed, want to have a victory threesome?
Leela: *She hums, shrugs her shoulders* Sure.
Fry: *His mouth falls open*
Amy: *Looks back to Fry* See?
*Cue Bender storming onto the bridge, super excited*
Bender: Guys! Guys! You won’t believe this! I schmoozed on this rich chick and now she wants to be my sugar mama! I’m set for life! What did you losers do?
Fry: I killed Zapp Brannigan and now I'm in command of the ship, and I’m going to get a victory threesome.
Bender: *Immediately disappointed* Wow, my subplot suddenly sucks in comparison.
Fry: Sorry buddy.
Bender: Hey if you’re in charge, does this mean I can be the chief of security?
*Fry looked to Kif, who was still blissfully replaying the happiest moment in his life over and over*
Fry: Sure, why not.
Bender: Great, I’m going to go abuse my position and rob first class passengers, later chumps.
Fry: Make it so, Mr. Rodriguez.
= = =
*SOME YEARS LATER...*
= = =
*A visibly pregnant Amy and Leela are watching television, when Fry walks back into the TV room at Planet Express, two kids hanging off his hands, and Bender and a teenaged Cubert following*
Fry: We're home!
Alice: Mommy! *A purple-haired girl with two eyes runs to Leela*
Leela: Aw, hey sweetie!
Yancy: *A half-asian, red-haired boy runs to Amy* Hey mom! Cubert got caught in the gears of the landing system again! It was so funny!
Cubert: *Annoyed, and injured* Why do I have to be the delivery boy?!
Amy: Because Fry's the Captain, spluh. *She hugs him* How was the mission?
Fry: Pretty good. Ever since the Omicronians joined DOOP, space has been pretty peaceful! Still some space pirates to deal with, but we got ‘em.
Bender: I got one’s booty! *Holds up a green, blood-dripping butt of an alien* And his treasure!
Cubert: Why do you still come along, anyway? Aren’t you married to that rich countess?
Bender: Ah, my fleshy meatbag, you fail to understand the nature of marriage. Besides,
deliveries like this ensure I’m known as a sexy, flamboyant space hero when I eventually become a wealthy widower, heh heh.
Leela: You’re such a romantic.
Bender: It’s a gift and a curse.
Fry: *Hugs Leela too* Mm… So, how is the new Manager of Sales job going?
Leela: It goes pretty well. And you haven’t pissed me off lately, so I haven’t needed to send you on any excessively dangerous deliveries. *scowls* Still want to go out with you guys.
Hermes: The maternity policy is very strict: No pregnant women allowed on deliveries! Especially given the lax lawsuit insurance we have!
Leela: You have to remind me of that every time?
Hermes: Of course I do!
Leela: Well, why can’t the Professor just ask Mom for the money for the insurance?
Hermes: *shakes his head* Oh, you know how those two old bats are. When they’re not screwing, dere forgettin’ they even did it!
Leela: Blech! *sighs* Still can’t wait to go out again.
Fry:*Yawns, scratching his five o'clock shadow* Geez... I am being run ragged. *He pulls off his jacket and shirt, revealing he's now ripped* Still, I lost all my pudge! And my love-handles!
Amy: *Bites her lower lip* That's fine.
Leela: There’s still other places to hold onto.
Fry: I'm even sleeping regularly and eating healthy! *shakes his head* Bender, what's happening to me?
Bender: As an expert of the condition, I would say that you have a severe case of winning at life.
Fry: Huh, so this is what it’s like. I thought it’d involve more cocaine.
= = =
*The What-If Display fades to black*
= = =
Fry: Huh, everyone didn’t die this time.
Leela: Wow, Fry, if you hadn't dumped Amy in a moment of selfish arrogance, Zapp would be dead. Bender would be a Count.
Bender: I would, wouldn't I?
Leela: Omicron Persei Eight would've joined the DOOP and peace would reign across the galaxy.
Amy: And Kif would have been made captain!
Professor: And I would've gotten back together with Mom, and we'd all be reaping the benefits.
Zoidberg: And I'd have had human afterbirth to eat!
Amy: Spleesh Fry, you really were an idiot!
Fry: *Feels low* I'm sorry guys. I made a mistake! A really, really, huge and awful mistake.
Leela: It's all right, Fry. No one's perfect.
Farnsworth: Or, conversely, all of that might have not happened and you all could have been killed when Lrrr had a bad reaction to Zapp's hair spray or when his girdle snapped and blocked his digestive tract with all that compressed fat; thus the Titanic would have been blown to bits, and the universe as a whole would have come to a terrifying, crushing end! *Adjusts his glasses* Due to Fry still needing to have sex with his grandmother to be born at that point.
Fry: Oh yeah. I still had to do that.
Leela: The point is! I'm pretty sure we all have been faced with decisions that would've benefitted everyone forever, but made the wrong choice.
*One check with the What If Machine later*
Leela: Huh, no one else.
Amy: I’m kind of disappointed.
Hermes: Well I'm satisfied in having made all the right decisions in life! *Narrows gaze at Zoidberg* Except one...
Professor: Even Zoidberg has never been faced with such a choice.
Fry: *sobbing* OHHH WHY? WHY? WHYYYY?! I RUINED MY OWN LIFE AND MADE EVERYONE ELSE’S UNFULFILLED BY COMPARISON!
Bender: Look at it this way, Fry. Thanks to you dumpin' Amy, I am still great!
Zoidberg: But wait friends. Something concerns me. The Omicronians, Amy and Fry dating, didn't that happen after the Titanic sank?
*Silence*
Leela: Hey yeah! It did!
Amy: I remember now! Spleesh Professor, did you check the machine at all?
Farnsworth: Oh my… I think I made a slight mistake with the last update to the machine’s anti-viral software. Confusing the backups, you know.
Fry: Oh... So... can you fix it so we can ask it over?
Professor: Hmm... perhaps, but I'm too tired to do all of that.
Bender: Yeah! Besides, there's only one true method to dealing with life's regrets.
Leela: And that is?
Bender: *Produces a bunch of beer* GETTING HAMMERED! WOOO!
Everyone: *Murmurs of agreement as the beers are passed around*
Fry: Still... I can't help but wonder what kind of man I might be someday.
Amy: Well, that's what the machine is for, right?
Leela: And life, too... You'll figure it out. Someday.
Fry: Aw... Thanks, you two.
Bender: OI! Enough wrap up, MORE DRINKING!
= = =
THE END