Gentleman's Duel

[Ray]

A scene off a novel IÆm writing. Near the climax of the book, two wizards (the main character, Aries, and a secondary antagonist, Jonathan Reitz) set aside their magic and duel each other with pointy, pointy knives. I've been wanting to write the climax of this fight for a long time now, and Iron Fic provided me with the perfect excuse for doing it without having to finish the rest of the book first. I'll elaborate on the premise soon enough, once my nerves calm down. My computer crashed just as I was posting this, prompting a flurry of curses and uncertainty over whether this managed to get posted.

The two opposing forces clashed, an unstoppable force against an unbreakable barrier. The wizards withdrew, facing each other.

Reitz held his dagger in front of him, for the first time in a defensive pose. He seemed astonished beyond all measure that the boy he was fighting had managed, if only for a moment, to equal him. That last blow could have been the end of him.

Aries, out of breath, just panted out his exhaustion, eyes still on Reitz.

ôI must commend you,ö the blonde mage said to him, ôI didnÆt expect such skill from a wizard with no name, never mind credentials. Were this a less urgent situation, I would question you on your skill. Butàö

ôButà?ö Aries asked between ragged gasps. He really wished he had NayaÆs help right now. The indispensability of having the artificial fairyÆs air support was quickly making itself known.

Reitz grinned evilly.

ôIÆm afraid thereÆs no time. I have been commanded to stop you. And after that, wellà letÆs just say IÆm going to make sure that Mistress Alice realizes that the plans sheÆs been making against her father arenÆt quite as secret as she thought. DonÆt worry, though. I wonÆt forget you. Maybe IÆll even take that nice coat you wear.ö He pointed at AriesÆ long black coat, the only staple of his clothing besides the dirty, paisley-patterned black bandana wrapped around his head.

ôAlice!?ö Suddenly, it all came together in AriesÆ mind. Alice had, during their duel and subsequent antagonistic encounters, stated how much she disliked her father, but served him out of duty. The last part, however, had apparently been rather false. Alice clearly believed that, by fulfilling her fatherÆs orders and capturing the Red Grimoire, sheÆd be able to get back into his confidence and strike at him when he was at his most vulnerable. Ishmael Moon, however, was no fool. He had clearly seen right through her, and had ordered Reitz to dispatch her. And with a sickening feeling at the pit of his stomach, Aries realized that he knew Reitz well enough to know that that meant murder.

ôI canÆt let you do that,ö he said resolutely, ôAlice Moon might be my enemy, but I couldnÆt in good conscience let someone be killed like that. Besides, I still need the Grimoire.ö

ôOf course, ô Reitz answered with a mocking bow, then settled into position once more, ôI expected nothing else!ö

At that, the knives flashed, as both combatants moved against each other, unwilling to give ground. ReitzÆs dagger moved at AriesÆ neck, and The Fairy Thief slashed down towards ReitzÆs stomach. Both wizards dodged, leapt back, then moved against each other again in a flurry of impossibly fast blows. Aries, however, soon found himself outmatched. For all his raw talent, Reitz was still older, stronger, and more experienced. Soon, he was beating Aries back, and it was all the wizard could do to hold together.

The knives cut through the air. The gleaming, otherworldly shine of the Fairy Thief clashed against ReitzÆs inferior, but much better handled dagger. The wizards fought, AriesÆ tenacity against ReitzÆs experienced brutality. It was an uneven match in all respects û as good as Aries was, Reitz was simply better.

The knives clashed and clanged, the empty hall echoing the sounds of the fight. Now pushed back almost to the entrance, grim reality dawned on Aries û he was losing. Against every hope he had placed on himself, he was losing.

Reitz swung at his face, his knife clearly directed at AriesÆ eyes. Aries blocked, but was forced to stumble back, once more losing ground. He was done, he knew. He was done, and it infuriated him.

As he was completely pushed back out of the hall, he couldnÆt take it anymore. Against all caution, he stepped forwards, and took a swing directly at ReitzÆs chest. Reitz pounced at the opportunity, and with a yelled ôHa!ö and a look of proud satisfaction, sidestepped the blow and hit AriesÆ with an attack of his own , sneaking a shallow cut in the wizardÆs shoulder and then planting his boot into AriesÆ chest.

Aries went down like a sack full of bricks, The Fairy Thief slipping out of his hand and clattering out onto the floor.

ôAndà thatÆs it,ö Reitz said, grinning down at Aries while he ground his boot into the other wizardÆs ribcage, ôAny last words?ö

Aries gasped, his stare fixed on ReitzÆs unforgiving yellow eyes.

It was over.

He couldnÆt believe it. After everything...

He flashed back to the time when he awoke at Whisperfall. He did not know who he was back then, just as he did not know now. His dream had been unfulfilled back then, just as it was now.

After all this time, he had not discovered the mysteries of before. After all this time, he had yet to escape the grasp of death.

After all this time, his lifelong dream ûand he knew it was a lifelong dream, for even if he was ignorant of his past the desire was so strong that it couldnÆt possibly be anything else- would go unfinished.

He would die, and nobody would mourn. Death would grasp him with her ice cold fingers, and take him to that place he had spent a lifetime to avoid.

The young mage couldnÆt bear it. He did not want death.

He did not want death. That glittering wish of his, that gleaming desire, that crystallized dream, had been just that û to escape from death.

Noà

à to refuse death!

The next seconds were so slow it felt as if time had stopped. Reitz pressed his boot against AriesÆ body even harder, and again asked, ôany last words?ö. And suddenly, suddenly, Aries knew what to do.

ôYes,ö he answered, a defiant grin on his face.

ôOh?ö Reitz asked, ôAnd what are they?ö

ôI want to live forever.ö

There was a brilliant flash of light, and suddenly Reitz was stumbling back, and Aries wasnÆt on the floor, but standing up once more, and The Fairy Thief was a shining beacon in his hand.

ôàhow!?ö

ôHow should I know?ö Aries asked, his grin nearly splitting his face as he ran forwards once more, swinging the beautiful blade in one swift movement. Reitz moved to parry, and then the impossible happened. The Fairy Thief flashed an otherworldly light, and as if reality itself were but a tool to its whims, AriesÆ strike coiled around ReitzÆs attempt to block, bypassing the knife and slicing him across the shoulder!

Reitz cried out and stumbled back, then swung at Aries again, but once more The Fairy Thief flashed, the loose end of the black coat flared, and Aries was not there anymore but behind his opponent, and his strike sliced through his clothing, opening a long, bloody gash on ReitzÆs back. The wizard screamed, wheeled around and tried to strike again. The confusion had taken all tactics out of the move, and there was only raw strength behind it, the intent to kill an opponent who against all odds had risen against him once more. But it was not enough. Driven by a kind of effortless strength, Aries parried the move without even flinching, then twisted around to strike at Reitz. The otherwordly gleam of his weapon illuminated his face as he bypassed all attempts to fight him off, landing cut after cut after cut after cut on ReitzÆs stumbling form.

ôArgh!ö the mage screamed, ôYou worthless bastard, youÆre cheating!ö

AriesÆ knife flashed once more, and he landed another cut, this time a deep one, right into ReitzÆs thigh.

ôI sneaked past the guards of the Violet Citadel! I destroyed the battalion of undead you kept at your command! I stole the Red Grimoire under Garath the ArchmageÆs nose! Of course IÆm cheating!ö

The other wizard screamed, the shock of the blow causing him to almost fall to his knees. Another strike from The Fairy Thief knocked the knife out of his hands, and a third sank right into his shoulder. Finally, as he fell down, a kick from AriesÆ armored black boot caught him straight in the face, sending him careening away from Aries to the other side of the room.

Seizing on the opportunity, Aries ran past him across the hall, heading towards the inner chamber.

ôYOU!ö Reitz yelled impotently behind him, ôCOME BACK! IÆM NOT DONE WITH YOU! COME BACK!ö

Aries ignored him, pushing open the long ebony doors that led to the inner hallway and then running through them at full speed, as if the very hounds of hell were after him.

ôSorry Reitz,ö he muttered to himself, ôbut she still has my Grimoire. ThatÆs more important than anything right now.ö

æIÆm coming for you, Alice!Æ

 

[twin blade]

You used "otherworldly" too much. At least, that's what it felt like to me. Good job, though. Hope your novel pans out.

 

[Ray]

Too much? I used it only twice during the whole 1500 word snippet. Then again, it *is* a big word.

 

[Halibel Lecter]

Please say you're posting whatever else you have on Fictionpress?

 

[grant]

If you intend to publish this professionally I would like to make some points, which also can apply to fanfiction as well.

If you give characters names like 'Jonathon Reitz' or 'Aries' then I suggest that you keep to that convention with names, unless you intend to highlight how strange the name is. A problem with Eragon was how only important characters got multi-syllable names or unusual ones. It's fine if the storekeeper is named 'Patreo' but if he's named 'Patrek' or 'Sot' I would feel disconnected. Also, is there a reason Aries wasn't given a last name or is it simply not mentioned? 'Alice' and 'Ishmael' in my opinion work because they aren't quite the norm. On a related point Ishmael gives a hint through his name about his character, was that intended?

Next is the title 'Fairy Thief'. That is a good title to put in a fantasy story and more original than most, but I don't feel it should be used more than three times in the portion shown here. On that one I personally would run it by an English professor and get their feedback if it's easy for you.

I can't critique the fight scenes in this as I have a lack of experience in writing them, in fact I hate writing fight scenes altogether. Only question is, can I assume there's a reason why both combatants are using daggers instead of something safer like swords or axes? Is it stated earlier that this has to do with their abilities like Dragonlance, is it a stylistic way of settling matters like South American knife fighting, or is it personal appeal on your part? Any answers good as long as you can give a reason to the reader.

The name of the place 'Whisperfall' seems like something that would be used a lot in the genre. However the 'Wh' 'sp' and 'all' sounds are good ones to use in a name. Could it be contracted into something like 'Whesperall' and it be explained in story what the name originally was?

And remember, throw away any or all of these if they get in your way.

Leaving that behind your writing seems more mature than a high school students, are you taking English courses at a college or have you graduated already?

 

[Cornuthaum]

english: 14/20 - A lot of awkward phrases and strange ways to say stuff there. And I'm used to Grunt writing stuff, so my treshold for "strange ways to say stuff" is high.
theme: 15/20 - Mano-a-mano battle between a Hardened Killer and a Cheating Smart One. Not exactly what I would call "new", but still interesting.
details: 13/20 - The problem with posting something original is that there is a world full of unexplained details. The problem with posting the finishing piece of an original work is that there is even MORE to explain. Whargarbl, raptor confused.
story: 15/20 - Man vs. Man: FIGHT! One fights with good reason, the other fights because he wants to? Looks a lot like fantasy ArPeeGee plot to me, which is fine.
general awesome: 18/20 - Really cool one liners. Seriously, the one about cheating was the best, and I snickered repeatedly at the corny lines, which is a plus for me
-
Score: 14+15+13+15+18 = 75/100

General Opinion: Confusing, but still intriguing enough to make me read the book, if you ever finish it. Which is what this was supposed to do, I think.
If this were food, it would be chocolate wrapped in pickled cucumbers. Confusing, but parts of it are really nice if you get rid of the ones you don't like.

--

LET IT BE KNOWN: SUCH IS MY SCORE OF THIS.

 

[Ray]

*snip*

I suppose this is as good a time as any to segue into the background details. It goes like this:

This is a story about wanting to live forever.

In the far west, the Dalarian Academy of Cherryville finishes the creation of the first prototype of an automated warrior that uses a hive mind to work in tandem with its companions. This, of course, is in order to bolster the kingdom's Mage Battalions in the event of war with another country.

Mere months afterward, however the crowning victory turns into a crisis, when the creatures' hive mind reaches critical mass, allowing them to become sentient Shahan, "the Undying". They rampage through the Academy, killing most of the wizards, before turning their sight towards the nearby town of Whisperfall. Then, just as the town's defenses crumble and the surviving mages of the Academy throw themselves into a desperate last stand, a miracle happens - an upsurge of magical energy stemming from a cave along the nearby river explodes through the town, taking a good bit of the infrastructure with it, but exterminating most of the creatures and allowing the wizards and civilians to retreat.

Aries' story begins right after this. He awakens in a cave at Whisperfall, surrounded only by scorched earth. To receive him back into the world is Naya Windsprite. A tiny, feminine thing with large, metallic wings, she is about as clueless as Aries is about why she's there, but seems to find him amusing enough to want to stick around. For his part, Aries remembers only one thing, and seems to be dominated -almost disturbingly so- by only a single desire: he wants to live forever.

In a daze, they stumble out of the cave into the open world.

Two months later, the ancient Red Grimoire, the crown jewel of the capital's library, said to contain an unfinished treatise on immortality, is brazenly swiped from under the Wizard Council's nose.

Things snowball from there.

The rest of the setting can more or less be defined as magi-punk. Dalaria, particularly in the capital, Aria, is a 19th century Victorian magocracy (only wizards may attain posts of government, and they rule with an iron fist) with magically powered railroads, telegrams and single-shot pistols, where wizards dressed in frock-coats and black trenchcoats settle disputes with magic and knife duels in towers and manor houses built on the backs of a gleefully oppressed common populace.

Take it how you will.

EDIT: Holy shit, Corn posted his scores. *reads*

Huh. I did very well, I'd say. Especially considering I started when there were less than two hours left to the contest and I wrote at a mind-numbingly quick, nervous pace. I thank thee, o grand... corn... thing. <.<

 

[grant]

One assumes from what you mentioned that there are tensions with other nations, is it a matter of differing systems, religion, or simply mutual dislike.