Don't take this too seriously.
Like, at all, rather.
---
Ch.1: "Don't get all touchy-feely, now." Begin.
---
~On an undisclosed location, surrounded by a vast encirclement of forest infested by giant animals, with a small navel of rocky terrain~
To anybody who ventured into the forest, and survived, the outcrop of barren terrain would seem extremely suspicious. It was eerily calm, and while nobody would exactly call it 'haunting', it was oddly devoid of the rather invasive, and very BIG wildlife inhabiting the area.
The ground was littered with sharp pointy rocks. One might call them 'shrapnel', considering that the terrain appeared to have been torn by concussive blasts, strong enough to leave craters impacted into the earth. Yet, despite that the area had not been touched in centuries, the scars were still seemingly fresh.
If a warrior were to take in the area, he or she would surely proclaim that a monumental battle had taken place.
However, the most important thing in the area was one that, strangely enough, could be overlooked. While there were many dozen upon dozens of huge outcrops of jagged rock, in the middle of all the apparent carnage was a single, circular stone formation, wholly untouched by the damage around it.
And, as if a sign of bad fortune, the undamaged outcrop cracked. Then, as a blond woman several thousands of miles away felt a chill run down her spine, it exploded.
"PANTIES!!"
---
"Shirouà" Saber's voice was filled with such urgency that, even as he was, Shirou found hard pressed to ignore. Still.
"Pleaseà Shirouà"
"Saber, you can wait three more minutes for the rice to be done." He probably would have been more affected if she hadn't acted like this for every meal in the evening he made.
"B-butà I'm hungry!" If she were a dog, he would have been able to see her tail wagging as she whined.
"Ohà look, it's done." Shirou flinched as he broke down.
'Dad, I'm so pathetic.'
The rice tasted fine, but in the principle of the matter, he felt somewhat ashamed at how easily he fell for her ploys. Perhaps that was why Saber used suchà tactics on him.
"Ahhà" Saber gave a satisfied smile. "Thank you for the meal, Shirou."
Shirou gave a hesitant smile in return, declining to comment as he was still caught up in his own thoughts.
"Ià"
The calm, playful atmosphere shattered as they both heard the familiar ringing of the wards going off.
"Shirouà" Saber's casual clothing vanished in an instant as she changed into her combat gear.
"Please, Saber," Shirou gave a tight smile as he sat up. "You should know me better than to think I'll just let you rush out by yourself."
"Ahà yesà" Saber gave a small shake of her head before they both, dashed out of the household.
The target was immediately apparent, as he or she was simply striding forward over the backyard. Cloaked in clothing that appeared to be little better than dirty rags at first glance, the figure's approach was confident.
"Stop!" Saber shouted to call the attention of the individual. "Your trespassing will not go unpunished if you do not leave at once. That you have ill intent is clear, but I will warn you once: leave immediately, and I will not attack."
"Still so high and mighty, I see?" The figure, identifying himself as male from the baritone, gave an amused chuckle.
"Whoà?" Saber blinked as the man unveiled his tattered clothing away from his face.
"GEH!" Saber stumbled back, as if struck, at the seeing the person's face.
"M-M-M-MERLIN!?" Still off balance, Saber shakily brandished her sword in front of her.
"Hmhmhmhmà" The white-haired man chuckled. "Yes, Arthur, it is I, Merlin."
"B-Butà" The blond stammered. "Even after all that, the alcohol, the bombs, the charmed wildlife, the indestructible prison that I had constructed for half my fortune, not to mention the enchantments I paid the OTHER half of my fortune to have you cursed withà you STILL escaped?!"
"Phff!" Merlin snorted. "Duh."
"DIE!" Saber didn't rush at the magus, but rather, the air was soon filled with the blazing energies of Excalibur being charged.
"S-Saber?!" Shirou gasped in surprise at the sudden enraged expression on the blond's face.
"Oh, not this again." Merlin's beard, which was actually quite neatly groomed, waved in the air mightily. "Arthur, I just got up a few weeks ago, I'm NOT in the mood for one of your tantrums."
So saying, the legendary magus raised his staff û which Shirou realized, hadn't been there before û and à hit Saber on the head with it, like a baseball bat.
"Whaà?" It was quite the surreal feeling, Shirou thought, seeing the mightiest Servant of the Fuyuki Grail War getting knocked out in one blow with a staff û which Shirou realized belated, was actually a branch from one of the neighbor's trees.
"Now, then." Merlin dusted off his hands as he dropped the piece of wood to the side. "How about you fix me some of that impressive tea you Japanese people are so famous for."
"Uhà ri-rightà?" Shirou was caught flatfooted. He was fully prepared to defend himself and Saber against the man, but given that the man was identified as Merlin himself, and he hadn't made any threatening moves û barring the wards ringing, and knocking out Saber when she tried to kill them both û he was willing to give the man the benefit of the doubt.
"àor was that the Chinese? Koreans? Bah! Whatever."
---
"I must admit," the great wizard murmured, stroking his long, finely groomed beard thoughtfully as he sipped at the tea. "The explosives were a nice touch. If I hadn't already been alerted by those damn giant wolves û nasty buggers, I nearly lost my leg û I might have been vaporized."
"Hmm, they were well worth the price than." Saber nodded sagely, having recovered swiftly, and seemingly over her hysterias. "The results were not as hoped, but they apparently did a good enough job."
"Huh?" Shirou scratched his head. "Didn't you say you already spent all of your fortune on the prison and magic?"
"Yes, but I had other valuables." The blond shrugged. "The alchemist was quite enchanted by my scabbard, so I exchanged it for his volatile weaponry."
"Oh... Wait, what?" Shirou did a double take. "You pawned off Avalon for a bunch of bombs?!"
"Yes." Saber sipped her tea, and then slapped her palm onto the table. "If given the chance, I would gladly sell a thousand Avalon's if I could simply get rid of this damn wizard!"
"à" Shirou gaped.
"This isn't the first time she's done this, you know." Shirou's head swiveled mechanically to face Merlin. "Always so careless with her magical possessions."
"Yes, yes!" Saber spat out venomously. "You always remind me of that. I LIKED that sword, damn magus. Curse your thick skull!"
"Swordà?" The only sword besides Excalibur Shirou could think of wasà
"Yes, boy." Merlin grinned. "Caliburn was no match for THIS wizard's noggin!"
Shirou's jaw went slack as he stared at the magus in horror.
"Nowà" Shaking his head furiously, Shirou tried to regain his bearing. "Wait a secondà"
"I don't know the legend very well, butà wasn't Caliburn broken when Arthur broke the rules of chivalryà or something like that?" Shirou noticed that Saber's face started to flush.
"Mmm, well," Merlin gave a half-shrug-half-nod, "that's one way of putting it, I suppose."
"It wasà errà" Saber slumped, apparently embarrassed.
"She came into my room one night and tried stabbing me with it." Merlin gave a bright smile. "Fond memories! Those were good times."
"GOOD TIMES?!" Saber thundered, before trying to calm herself. "I despise you, wizard."
"Shirou," Saber glanced at her Master. "This manà this THING, can't be trusted! Remember the wardsà he has no good intents at all!"
"Well, excuse ME for being a little pissy." Merlin grumped. "I had to recharge, learn dozens of different languages, locate you, AND travel more than half the world all in three weeks. I think YOU'D be a little cranky."
"WHY DID YOU FOLLOW ME AT ALL!?" Saber yelled angrily. "I wouldn't have been trying to get RID of you all these years if you hadn't taken the damn hint and LEFT!"
"Why?" Merlin paused at that. "You know, I'm actually not quite sure."
"Youàyouà youà" Saber let out a growl. "You stupid bastard! Just leave me alone!"
Saber stormed out of the room.
"Huhà" Shirou stared after the woman. "Thatà I've never seen Saber like thatà"
"Bah. I've ONLY seen her like thatà" Merlin rolled his eyes. "Thoughà"
The ancient magus ran his eyes over Shirou, his lips quirking his an odd smile.
"So, boy," Merlin stroked his beard.
"Ehmà yes?" Shirou realized that he was alone with the man who left the normally calm and composed Saber in a fury. Shaking off his unease, Shirou turned his attention to the legendary figure.
"I must knowà how's the extra equipment?" The great wizard leaned forward a bit, a small, if eager grin lighting up his wrinkled face.
"Extraà equipmentà?"
"Yes, yes," the old man chuckled. "No need to be shy, I know you've beenà how is it saidà 'knocking boots?' with little 'Arthur'. Soà how's LITTLE-little Arthurà if you know what I mean?"
There was a pregnant pause.
"What ARE you talking about?"
"Oh, damn, she got rid of it, then?" Merlin winced, tightening his legs with a grimace. "That HAD to have been painfulà"
'Ià DON'T want to knowà' Shirou thought as his mind began to conjure up various images.
"S-so!" Shirou tried to distract himself. "Why'd youà uh, why'd you letà why'd Saber take the sword in the first place?"
"She thought it was shiny."
"àexcuse me?" Shirou gaped again. "Shiny?"
"Oh, don't worry, she was only four years old at the time." Merlin gave a laugh. "Man, my expression must have been just like that. I had to convince her to put the damn thing back in place. Not an easy task, I'll have you know."
"But really, she grew up to be a fine young man. I just help her along a bit at times. Hah! Ask my about Excalibur some other time, boy, that was a flashback to her younger years."
"Soà uhà" Shirou couldn't find anything to say. Didn't know if he WANTED to actually know anything more about Saber's past life.
"Hm, but, I supposeà" Merlin tilted his head. "You need to go calm her down."
"Ià huh?" Shirou blinked at the man.
"Sex, boy, sex!" Merlin laughed without a hint of shame. "She's so damn uptight. Now that she's got herself a lover, I figure it's a good sign she's starting to let herself unwind. So, get at it!"
"à" Shirou left the room with a feeling of impending doom. He really doubted that Saber would actually be in the mood.
"But, damnà what a waste. I spent weeks crafting the materials needed to produce that thingà"
Shirou ran away, as fast as he could.
'Saaaaaaber!' Why did he feel like crying?
---
Ch.1: "Don't get all touchy-feely, now." End.
---
.....yeaah... Not too long, but I just sort of stringed some transition scenes for gags I wrote up previously, so it's not that surprising. I also threw in some obvious references. Meh. Not my best work (then again, I have no best work so...).
On a related note, does anybody know the Latin word for underwear? I wanted to put it in place of "Panties!" But couldn't find anything. Does such a word even exist in the Latin language? Obviously, a female undergarment probably wouldn't, but all online dictionaries failed me even for a general term.
Oh, well. Sleep now.
Like, at all, rather.
---
Ch.1: "Don't get all touchy-feely, now." Begin.
---
~On an undisclosed location, surrounded by a vast encirclement of forest infested by giant animals, with a small navel of rocky terrain~
To anybody who ventured into the forest, and survived, the outcrop of barren terrain would seem extremely suspicious. It was eerily calm, and while nobody would exactly call it 'haunting', it was oddly devoid of the rather invasive, and very BIG wildlife inhabiting the area.
The ground was littered with sharp pointy rocks. One might call them 'shrapnel', considering that the terrain appeared to have been torn by concussive blasts, strong enough to leave craters impacted into the earth. Yet, despite that the area had not been touched in centuries, the scars were still seemingly fresh.
If a warrior were to take in the area, he or she would surely proclaim that a monumental battle had taken place.
However, the most important thing in the area was one that, strangely enough, could be overlooked. While there were many dozen upon dozens of huge outcrops of jagged rock, in the middle of all the apparent carnage was a single, circular stone formation, wholly untouched by the damage around it.
And, as if a sign of bad fortune, the undamaged outcrop cracked. Then, as a blond woman several thousands of miles away felt a chill run down her spine, it exploded.
"PANTIES!!"
---
"Shirouà" Saber's voice was filled with such urgency that, even as he was, Shirou found hard pressed to ignore. Still.
"Pleaseà Shirouà"
"Saber, you can wait three more minutes for the rice to be done." He probably would have been more affected if she hadn't acted like this for every meal in the evening he made.
"B-butà I'm hungry!" If she were a dog, he would have been able to see her tail wagging as she whined.
"Ohà look, it's done." Shirou flinched as he broke down.
'Dad, I'm so pathetic.'
The rice tasted fine, but in the principle of the matter, he felt somewhat ashamed at how easily he fell for her ploys. Perhaps that was why Saber used suchà tactics on him.
"Ahhà" Saber gave a satisfied smile. "Thank you for the meal, Shirou."
Shirou gave a hesitant smile in return, declining to comment as he was still caught up in his own thoughts.
"Ià"
The calm, playful atmosphere shattered as they both heard the familiar ringing of the wards going off.
"Shirouà" Saber's casual clothing vanished in an instant as she changed into her combat gear.
"Please, Saber," Shirou gave a tight smile as he sat up. "You should know me better than to think I'll just let you rush out by yourself."
"Ahà yesà" Saber gave a small shake of her head before they both, dashed out of the household.
The target was immediately apparent, as he or she was simply striding forward over the backyard. Cloaked in clothing that appeared to be little better than dirty rags at first glance, the figure's approach was confident.
"Stop!" Saber shouted to call the attention of the individual. "Your trespassing will not go unpunished if you do not leave at once. That you have ill intent is clear, but I will warn you once: leave immediately, and I will not attack."
"Still so high and mighty, I see?" The figure, identifying himself as male from the baritone, gave an amused chuckle.
"Whoà?" Saber blinked as the man unveiled his tattered clothing away from his face.
"GEH!" Saber stumbled back, as if struck, at the seeing the person's face.
"M-M-M-MERLIN!?" Still off balance, Saber shakily brandished her sword in front of her.
"Hmhmhmhmà" The white-haired man chuckled. "Yes, Arthur, it is I, Merlin."
"B-Butà" The blond stammered. "Even after all that, the alcohol, the bombs, the charmed wildlife, the indestructible prison that I had constructed for half my fortune, not to mention the enchantments I paid the OTHER half of my fortune to have you cursed withà you STILL escaped?!"
"Phff!" Merlin snorted. "Duh."
"DIE!" Saber didn't rush at the magus, but rather, the air was soon filled with the blazing energies of Excalibur being charged.
"S-Saber?!" Shirou gasped in surprise at the sudden enraged expression on the blond's face.
"Oh, not this again." Merlin's beard, which was actually quite neatly groomed, waved in the air mightily. "Arthur, I just got up a few weeks ago, I'm NOT in the mood for one of your tantrums."
So saying, the legendary magus raised his staff û which Shirou realized, hadn't been there before û and à hit Saber on the head with it, like a baseball bat.
"Whaà?" It was quite the surreal feeling, Shirou thought, seeing the mightiest Servant of the Fuyuki Grail War getting knocked out in one blow with a staff û which Shirou realized belated, was actually a branch from one of the neighbor's trees.
"Now, then." Merlin dusted off his hands as he dropped the piece of wood to the side. "How about you fix me some of that impressive tea you Japanese people are so famous for."
"Uhà ri-rightà?" Shirou was caught flatfooted. He was fully prepared to defend himself and Saber against the man, but given that the man was identified as Merlin himself, and he hadn't made any threatening moves û barring the wards ringing, and knocking out Saber when she tried to kill them both û he was willing to give the man the benefit of the doubt.
"àor was that the Chinese? Koreans? Bah! Whatever."
---
"I must admit," the great wizard murmured, stroking his long, finely groomed beard thoughtfully as he sipped at the tea. "The explosives were a nice touch. If I hadn't already been alerted by those damn giant wolves û nasty buggers, I nearly lost my leg û I might have been vaporized."
"Hmm, they were well worth the price than." Saber nodded sagely, having recovered swiftly, and seemingly over her hysterias. "The results were not as hoped, but they apparently did a good enough job."
"Huh?" Shirou scratched his head. "Didn't you say you already spent all of your fortune on the prison and magic?"
"Yes, but I had other valuables." The blond shrugged. "The alchemist was quite enchanted by my scabbard, so I exchanged it for his volatile weaponry."
"Oh... Wait, what?" Shirou did a double take. "You pawned off Avalon for a bunch of bombs?!"
"Yes." Saber sipped her tea, and then slapped her palm onto the table. "If given the chance, I would gladly sell a thousand Avalon's if I could simply get rid of this damn wizard!"
"à" Shirou gaped.
"This isn't the first time she's done this, you know." Shirou's head swiveled mechanically to face Merlin. "Always so careless with her magical possessions."
"Yes, yes!" Saber spat out venomously. "You always remind me of that. I LIKED that sword, damn magus. Curse your thick skull!"
"Swordà?" The only sword besides Excalibur Shirou could think of wasà
"Yes, boy." Merlin grinned. "Caliburn was no match for THIS wizard's noggin!"
Shirou's jaw went slack as he stared at the magus in horror.
"Nowà" Shaking his head furiously, Shirou tried to regain his bearing. "Wait a secondà"
"I don't know the legend very well, butà wasn't Caliburn broken when Arthur broke the rules of chivalryà or something like that?" Shirou noticed that Saber's face started to flush.
"Mmm, well," Merlin gave a half-shrug-half-nod, "that's one way of putting it, I suppose."
"It wasà errà" Saber slumped, apparently embarrassed.
"She came into my room one night and tried stabbing me with it." Merlin gave a bright smile. "Fond memories! Those were good times."
"GOOD TIMES?!" Saber thundered, before trying to calm herself. "I despise you, wizard."
"Shirou," Saber glanced at her Master. "This manà this THING, can't be trusted! Remember the wardsà he has no good intents at all!"
"Well, excuse ME for being a little pissy." Merlin grumped. "I had to recharge, learn dozens of different languages, locate you, AND travel more than half the world all in three weeks. I think YOU'D be a little cranky."
"WHY DID YOU FOLLOW ME AT ALL!?" Saber yelled angrily. "I wouldn't have been trying to get RID of you all these years if you hadn't taken the damn hint and LEFT!"
"Why?" Merlin paused at that. "You know, I'm actually not quite sure."
"Youàyouà youà" Saber let out a growl. "You stupid bastard! Just leave me alone!"
Saber stormed out of the room.
"Huhà" Shirou stared after the woman. "Thatà I've never seen Saber like thatà"
"Bah. I've ONLY seen her like thatà" Merlin rolled his eyes. "Thoughà"
The ancient magus ran his eyes over Shirou, his lips quirking his an odd smile.
"So, boy," Merlin stroked his beard.
"Ehmà yes?" Shirou realized that he was alone with the man who left the normally calm and composed Saber in a fury. Shaking off his unease, Shirou turned his attention to the legendary figure.
"I must knowà how's the extra equipment?" The great wizard leaned forward a bit, a small, if eager grin lighting up his wrinkled face.
"Extraà equipmentà?"
"Yes, yes," the old man chuckled. "No need to be shy, I know you've beenà how is it saidà 'knocking boots?' with little 'Arthur'. Soà how's LITTLE-little Arthurà if you know what I mean?"
There was a pregnant pause.
"What ARE you talking about?"
"Oh, damn, she got rid of it, then?" Merlin winced, tightening his legs with a grimace. "That HAD to have been painfulà"
'Ià DON'T want to knowà' Shirou thought as his mind began to conjure up various images.
"S-so!" Shirou tried to distract himself. "Why'd youà uh, why'd you letà why'd Saber take the sword in the first place?"
"She thought it was shiny."
"àexcuse me?" Shirou gaped again. "Shiny?"
"Oh, don't worry, she was only four years old at the time." Merlin gave a laugh. "Man, my expression must have been just like that. I had to convince her to put the damn thing back in place. Not an easy task, I'll have you know."
"But really, she grew up to be a fine young man. I just help her along a bit at times. Hah! Ask my about Excalibur some other time, boy, that was a flashback to her younger years."
"Soà uhà" Shirou couldn't find anything to say. Didn't know if he WANTED to actually know anything more about Saber's past life.
"Hm, but, I supposeà" Merlin tilted his head. "You need to go calm her down."
"Ià huh?" Shirou blinked at the man.
"Sex, boy, sex!" Merlin laughed without a hint of shame. "She's so damn uptight. Now that she's got herself a lover, I figure it's a good sign she's starting to let herself unwind. So, get at it!"
"à" Shirou left the room with a feeling of impending doom. He really doubted that Saber would actually be in the mood.
"But, damnà what a waste. I spent weeks crafting the materials needed to produce that thingà"
Shirou ran away, as fast as he could.
'Saaaaaaber!' Why did he feel like crying?
---
Ch.1: "Don't get all touchy-feely, now." End.
---
.....yeaah... Not too long, but I just sort of stringed some transition scenes for gags I wrote up previously, so it's not that surprising. I also threw in some obvious references. Meh. Not my best work (then again, I have no best work so...).
On a related note, does anybody know the Latin word for underwear? I wanted to put it in place of "Panties!" But couldn't find anything. Does such a word even exist in the Latin language? Obviously, a female undergarment probably wouldn't, but all online dictionaries failed me even for a general term.
Oh, well. Sleep now.
