Something that happened over the course of a half hour or so on IRC.
I.
Regret.
NOTHING.
= = =
*Troy, a long time ago and about nine years before it gets its shit ruined forever*
Cassandra: *Sitting on a bench, bitter as usual over the whole “No one believes my prophetic warnings†thing*
Helen: *Sits next to her* Man, have I had a shitty couple of days. I can’t imagine it getting worse...
*Hearing this, Cassandra begins laughing hysterically*
Helen: ... Okay, for just a minute, I'm going to not be horrified by your hysterics and ask why are you laughing?
Cassandra: Well, from the moment you got snatched up, Troy and everyone in it has been doomed.
Helen: How doomed?
*Every ship in the world suddenly appears off the shore*
Helen: Oh we're pretty doomed... I gotta get out of here.
Cassandra: Go ahead you won't.
Helen: What makes you say that?!
Cassandra: I’m supposed to be Troy’s prophet.
Helen: Wait a minute... can you predict the future?
Cassandra: And I’m pretty damn accurate, too. It just so happens that no one wants to believe me when I tell them everything they’re doing is a bad idea. For example I told Paris "Fine, go get the girl, the Greeks will only come ready to stab everyone". Did he listen? Of course not, and who’s all here ready to get their stab on? Certainly not the Egyptians!
Helen: Well, you can predict the future, what do I do?
Cassandra: Sit here and wait for the inevitable.
Helen: And what’s the inevitable?
Cassandra: Oh... rape. Repeated. By a few guys.
Helen: We should... get out of here.
Cassandra: And go where?
Helen: Anywhere I’m not doomed to be repeatedly raped is a good place to start!
Cassandra: I mean, we could always ask the Gods for help... but... heh... yeah...
Helen: Why, what’s wrong with the Gods?
Cassandra: Oh, they hate you, they hate me, they hate everyone. Well, you especially, but holy shit Apollo really wanted to stick it to me for something someone else did.
Helen: Come on, there has to be a God up there who doesn’t hate us!
Cassandra: I think the only one who doesn't want us to suffer for their amusement is Hephaestus.
Helen: *On that note!* ... Hey, uh... what exactly do you need to sacrifice to curry Hephaestus's favor again?
*Five minutes and one sacrifice later*
Helen: Hephaestus, hey... Helen here... I know you're not a fan of Trojans but um... I would prefer if bad things did not happen to me.
Heph: Oh, hey kiddo, what's up?
Helen: How do I avoid um... the Cassandra ending?
Heph: ... Could always ugly yourself up a bit, you being so hot's the only reason this is even going down.
Helen: *Suddenly runs to Cassandra* I need you to hit me in the face as hard as you can, as many times as you can.
Cassandra: ... *Grabs Helen by her dress and raises a fist* With gusto.
*Three Hours Later*
Cassandra: *Wringing her hands in pain* What is your face made of?!
Helen: *Definitely not ugly still* A strong Spartan heritage! FUCK!
Cassandra: Okay, I have a new plan.
Helen: ... And that is?
*Moments later, Helen is thrown face-first from a window*
Cassandra: *From window* You ugly yet?
Helen: *Lying atop some poor Trojan* No... but I think I killed someone.
Cassandra: Well there's your problem! You landed on someone, let's try this again.
*A few more failed attempts and a few more innocent casualties later...*
Helen: *Rubbing her face* How long before the Greeks kill us all?
Cassandra: It's gonna be a while.
Helen: How long is a while?
Cassandra: About nine years.
Helen: Nine years? NINE YEARS?! I have to be stuck besieged by Greeks for NINE YEARS?!
Cassandra: Yeah, Paris doesn’t even live that long. Not that he believes me when I warn him.
Helen: Then what is the whole point?!
Zeus: *Writing names in Hades’ reservation book* What indeed.
Cassandra: … Chill out trophy, I have another idea. Follow me. *Heads for the King*
Helen: *Follows Cassandra* It's not going to end in defenestration, is it? Wait, what did you just call me?
Cassandra: Hey Dad, can we hold a feast for Helen?
Helen: Wat.
Cassandra: She's a growing girl, you see... and she'll need all she can eat.
Helen: Ohhh... I see! This is a good idea! *One feast with 90% of the food consumed by Helen later* THIS WAS THE WORST IDEA!
Cassandra: *Watching Paris freak out over Helen's sudden increased foodtake* No, this has been pretty good so far.
*Three years later*
Helen: *Sitting on the bench where they first met* Are we doomed yet?
Cassandra: *Ditto* No.
Helen: Are we doomed yet?
Cassandra: No.
Helen: Are we doomed yet?
Cassandra: No.
*Silence*
Helen: Are we doomed yet?
Cassandra: NO!
Helen: God! Why am I even sitting here, waiting for the inevitable like this! I should be doing something, anything to avoid this!
Cassandra: Could kill yourself.
Helen: I thought you trying to kill me proved that wasn't going to happen!
Cassandra: When did I try to kill you?
Helen: YOU THREW ME OUT A WINDOW! REPEATEDLY!
Cassandra: Oh yeah...
Helen: Come on, you’re the prophet here!
Cassandra: ... You could, I dunno, train yourself up. Learn to fight? Hack off a boob?
Helen: *Horrified stare*
Cassandra: It’s a legitimate idea.
Helen: Wait... since you're a prophet...
Cassandra: Yes...?
Helen: Can't you predict what they're going to do?
Cassandra: *Stare* I'm going to throw you out another window.
Helen: No, hear me out! You can predict exactly what they're going to do, right down to who's going to die on any given day, right?
Cassandra: ... *Looks at her "Who’s going to die next betting pool" sitting on the bench next to her* ... Yeah?
Helen: Then... why don't we use that ability of yours to beat the Greeks?
Cassandra: Because no one listens to me because everyone thinks I'm a delusional moron, and no one listens to you because to them you're just a pretty face with a pair of fat tits, a large butt, and several warm holes to stick things in.
Helen: *Looks over her shoulder* It's not that big, is it...?
Cassandra: ... The next six years are going to be long ones...
*Six Years Later*
Helen: *Peeks over the wall* Hey uh... Cass...
Cassandra: What?
Helen: ... The Greeks left a wooden horse outside the gate.
Cassandra: *Ecstatic* YES! THE SWEET RELEASE OF DEATH HAS ARRIVED!
Helen: *Stares at Cassandra* That's a trap, isn't it?
Cassandra: Odysseus himself is in there, ready to end us all.
Helen: ... *She grabs a an unlit torch and runs outside*
Cassandra: Hey... w-what are you doing?
Helen: Taking control of my destiny!
Odysseus: *Inside the horse, to his men* Okay, when the sun goes down, we go out and open the gates... and then we can end this stupid war.
Helen: *Runs up to the horse* Holding the torch*
Odysseus: Wait, what’s Helen doing with that torch?
Helen: *Lights the torch*
Odysseus: Why did she light that torch?!
Helen: *Walks towards the horse*
Odysseus: Why’s she coming over here?!
Helen: *Raises the torch*
Odysseus: Oh no, oh no, no no no! No no no-no-no!
Helen: *Sets the fucking horse on fire*
Trojans: Hey!
Greek Soldiers: *Start screaming*
Trojans: ...
Helen: *Flips off the burning horse, then goes back to the palace as the Trojans watch in stunned silence*
Cassandra: *Standing to the side* ... I am going to do the "I was right" dance, now. *She proceeds to dance all the way back to the palace with Helen*
*Meanwhile, out at sea*
Menelaus: We should’ve gotten the signal from Odysseus by now...
Agamemnon: Surely we will hear one soon.
*A wall of water suddenly looms over the Greek Fleet*
Menelaus: … I hope that’s the signal.
Agamemnon: … *Whimpers*
Poseidon: *His face grinning in the wave* I have you now, my pretties~
*Meanwhile, on Mount Olympus*
Zeus: Well that was a waste of time.
Hera: What was?
Zeus: The Trojan War.
Hera: That was still going on?
Zeus: Yes! Remember, you, Athena, and Aphrodite made a big deal about it.
Hera: Huh... over what? I can’t even remember what I was so upset about.
Aphrodite: Some asshole choosing some bitch.
Hera: Oh yeah... she's gotta be like thirty now, right? What was I so mad about?
Eris: *whistles an innocent tune*
Zeus: Well, whatever. I got rid of all my illegitimate kids, so I don’t have to worry about any unruly usurpers taking my throne.
Athena: *Sitting off to the side, writing Zeus’s name down in Hades’s reservation book* Heh... yeah... none of those kids...
*Helen and Cassandra sitting on the shores of Troy, watching the Greek corpses wash up*
Helen: So...
Cassandra: Yeah?
Helen: Are we still doomed?
Cassandra: Eventually, once old age catches up?
Helen: ... So, what do we do now?
Cassandra: Hop a boat to Lesbos and pretend the last nine years of our lives never happened?
Helen: ... Yeah, let's go.
*Finally, in the netherworld...*
Menelaus: ...
Paris: ...
Odysseus: ...
Paris: …
Agamemnon: …
Paris: …
Achilles: …
Paris: ...
Hector: …
Paris: …
Ajax: …
Paris: *Nervous cough*
Menelaus: Paris...
Paris: *Gulp*
Menelaus: Was it worth it?
Paris: ... *Thinks about it* ... No, not really.
Menelaus: *Punches Paris in the head* I thought so.
I.
Regret.
NOTHING.
= = =
*Troy, a long time ago and about nine years before it gets its shit ruined forever*
Cassandra: *Sitting on a bench, bitter as usual over the whole “No one believes my prophetic warnings†thing*
Helen: *Sits next to her* Man, have I had a shitty couple of days. I can’t imagine it getting worse...
*Hearing this, Cassandra begins laughing hysterically*
Helen: ... Okay, for just a minute, I'm going to not be horrified by your hysterics and ask why are you laughing?
Cassandra: Well, from the moment you got snatched up, Troy and everyone in it has been doomed.
Helen: How doomed?
*Every ship in the world suddenly appears off the shore*
Helen: Oh we're pretty doomed... I gotta get out of here.
Cassandra: Go ahead you won't.
Helen: What makes you say that?!
Cassandra: I’m supposed to be Troy’s prophet.
Helen: Wait a minute... can you predict the future?
Cassandra: And I’m pretty damn accurate, too. It just so happens that no one wants to believe me when I tell them everything they’re doing is a bad idea. For example I told Paris "Fine, go get the girl, the Greeks will only come ready to stab everyone". Did he listen? Of course not, and who’s all here ready to get their stab on? Certainly not the Egyptians!
Helen: Well, you can predict the future, what do I do?
Cassandra: Sit here and wait for the inevitable.
Helen: And what’s the inevitable?
Cassandra: Oh... rape. Repeated. By a few guys.
Helen: We should... get out of here.
Cassandra: And go where?
Helen: Anywhere I’m not doomed to be repeatedly raped is a good place to start!
Cassandra: I mean, we could always ask the Gods for help... but... heh... yeah...
Helen: Why, what’s wrong with the Gods?
Cassandra: Oh, they hate you, they hate me, they hate everyone. Well, you especially, but holy shit Apollo really wanted to stick it to me for something someone else did.
Helen: Come on, there has to be a God up there who doesn’t hate us!
Cassandra: I think the only one who doesn't want us to suffer for their amusement is Hephaestus.
Helen: *On that note!* ... Hey, uh... what exactly do you need to sacrifice to curry Hephaestus's favor again?
*Five minutes and one sacrifice later*
Helen: Hephaestus, hey... Helen here... I know you're not a fan of Trojans but um... I would prefer if bad things did not happen to me.
Heph: Oh, hey kiddo, what's up?
Helen: How do I avoid um... the Cassandra ending?
Heph: ... Could always ugly yourself up a bit, you being so hot's the only reason this is even going down.
Helen: *Suddenly runs to Cassandra* I need you to hit me in the face as hard as you can, as many times as you can.
Cassandra: ... *Grabs Helen by her dress and raises a fist* With gusto.
*Three Hours Later*
Cassandra: *Wringing her hands in pain* What is your face made of?!
Helen: *Definitely not ugly still* A strong Spartan heritage! FUCK!
Cassandra: Okay, I have a new plan.
Helen: ... And that is?
*Moments later, Helen is thrown face-first from a window*
Cassandra: *From window* You ugly yet?
Helen: *Lying atop some poor Trojan* No... but I think I killed someone.
Cassandra: Well there's your problem! You landed on someone, let's try this again.
*A few more failed attempts and a few more innocent casualties later...*
Helen: *Rubbing her face* How long before the Greeks kill us all?
Cassandra: It's gonna be a while.
Helen: How long is a while?
Cassandra: About nine years.
Helen: Nine years? NINE YEARS?! I have to be stuck besieged by Greeks for NINE YEARS?!
Cassandra: Yeah, Paris doesn’t even live that long. Not that he believes me when I warn him.
Helen: Then what is the whole point?!
Zeus: *Writing names in Hades’ reservation book* What indeed.
Cassandra: … Chill out trophy, I have another idea. Follow me. *Heads for the King*
Helen: *Follows Cassandra* It's not going to end in defenestration, is it? Wait, what did you just call me?
Cassandra: Hey Dad, can we hold a feast for Helen?
Helen: Wat.
Cassandra: She's a growing girl, you see... and she'll need all she can eat.
Helen: Ohhh... I see! This is a good idea! *One feast with 90% of the food consumed by Helen later* THIS WAS THE WORST IDEA!
Cassandra: *Watching Paris freak out over Helen's sudden increased foodtake* No, this has been pretty good so far.
*Three years later*
Helen: *Sitting on the bench where they first met* Are we doomed yet?
Cassandra: *Ditto* No.
Helen: Are we doomed yet?
Cassandra: No.
Helen: Are we doomed yet?
Cassandra: No.
*Silence*
Helen: Are we doomed yet?
Cassandra: NO!
Helen: God! Why am I even sitting here, waiting for the inevitable like this! I should be doing something, anything to avoid this!
Cassandra: Could kill yourself.
Helen: I thought you trying to kill me proved that wasn't going to happen!
Cassandra: When did I try to kill you?
Helen: YOU THREW ME OUT A WINDOW! REPEATEDLY!
Cassandra: Oh yeah...
Helen: Come on, you’re the prophet here!
Cassandra: ... You could, I dunno, train yourself up. Learn to fight? Hack off a boob?
Helen: *Horrified stare*
Cassandra: It’s a legitimate idea.
Helen: Wait... since you're a prophet...
Cassandra: Yes...?
Helen: Can't you predict what they're going to do?
Cassandra: *Stare* I'm going to throw you out another window.
Helen: No, hear me out! You can predict exactly what they're going to do, right down to who's going to die on any given day, right?
Cassandra: ... *Looks at her "Who’s going to die next betting pool" sitting on the bench next to her* ... Yeah?
Helen: Then... why don't we use that ability of yours to beat the Greeks?
Cassandra: Because no one listens to me because everyone thinks I'm a delusional moron, and no one listens to you because to them you're just a pretty face with a pair of fat tits, a large butt, and several warm holes to stick things in.
Helen: *Looks over her shoulder* It's not that big, is it...?
Cassandra: ... The next six years are going to be long ones...
*Six Years Later*
Helen: *Peeks over the wall* Hey uh... Cass...
Cassandra: What?
Helen: ... The Greeks left a wooden horse outside the gate.
Cassandra: *Ecstatic* YES! THE SWEET RELEASE OF DEATH HAS ARRIVED!
Helen: *Stares at Cassandra* That's a trap, isn't it?
Cassandra: Odysseus himself is in there, ready to end us all.
Helen: ... *She grabs a an unlit torch and runs outside*
Cassandra: Hey... w-what are you doing?
Helen: Taking control of my destiny!
Odysseus: *Inside the horse, to his men* Okay, when the sun goes down, we go out and open the gates... and then we can end this stupid war.
Helen: *Runs up to the horse* Holding the torch*
Odysseus: Wait, what’s Helen doing with that torch?
Helen: *Lights the torch*
Odysseus: Why did she light that torch?!
Helen: *Walks towards the horse*
Odysseus: Why’s she coming over here?!
Helen: *Raises the torch*
Odysseus: Oh no, oh no, no no no! No no no-no-no!
Helen: *Sets the fucking horse on fire*
Trojans: Hey!
Greek Soldiers: *Start screaming*
Trojans: ...
Helen: *Flips off the burning horse, then goes back to the palace as the Trojans watch in stunned silence*
Cassandra: *Standing to the side* ... I am going to do the "I was right" dance, now. *She proceeds to dance all the way back to the palace with Helen*
*Meanwhile, out at sea*
Menelaus: We should’ve gotten the signal from Odysseus by now...
Agamemnon: Surely we will hear one soon.
*A wall of water suddenly looms over the Greek Fleet*
Menelaus: … I hope that’s the signal.
Agamemnon: … *Whimpers*
Poseidon: *His face grinning in the wave* I have you now, my pretties~
*Meanwhile, on Mount Olympus*
Zeus: Well that was a waste of time.
Hera: What was?
Zeus: The Trojan War.
Hera: That was still going on?
Zeus: Yes! Remember, you, Athena, and Aphrodite made a big deal about it.
Hera: Huh... over what? I can’t even remember what I was so upset about.
Aphrodite: Some asshole choosing some bitch.
Hera: Oh yeah... she's gotta be like thirty now, right? What was I so mad about?
Eris: *whistles an innocent tune*
Zeus: Well, whatever. I got rid of all my illegitimate kids, so I don’t have to worry about any unruly usurpers taking my throne.
Athena: *Sitting off to the side, writing Zeus’s name down in Hades’s reservation book* Heh... yeah... none of those kids...
*Helen and Cassandra sitting on the shores of Troy, watching the Greek corpses wash up*
Helen: So...
Cassandra: Yeah?
Helen: Are we still doomed?
Cassandra: Eventually, once old age catches up?
Helen: ... So, what do we do now?
Cassandra: Hop a boat to Lesbos and pretend the last nine years of our lives never happened?
Helen: ... Yeah, let's go.
*Finally, in the netherworld...*
Menelaus: ...
Paris: ...
Odysseus: ...
Paris: …
Agamemnon: …
Paris: …
Achilles: …
Paris: ...
Hector: …
Paris: …
Ajax: …
Paris: *Nervous cough*
Menelaus: Paris...
Paris: *Gulp*
Menelaus: Was it worth it?
Paris: ... *Thinks about it* ... No, not really.
Menelaus: *Punches Paris in the head* I thought so.