Harry Potter Hogwarts Rejection Letters

whitewhiskey

Well-Known Member
#1
An idea I got from this stuff. I just want to see what sort of ides some of us can come up with. Basically, it's just a bunch of rejection letters from Harry for whatever reason you can think of, crossovers welcome, like so...

Dear Professor McGonagall,

First off, I want to say thanks for letting me know I've already got magic powers. Back in grade 5, I took longsword proficiency classes like Dad instead of any of the magic proficiency classes, so knowing I already have some powers is seriously kick ass, so Mama Kim just had to take me to get some books and scrolls from a second hand store (Dad and me already figured out some magic sword power combos that are awesome).

Anyways, I don't really need to go to hogwerts or whatever. No offense, but I don't really think I have to leave the country just to go to school when there's probably somewhere I could go around here (And I just started my ninja/samurai-sword lessons with Grandpa Chou, and I really want to learn how to cut a car in half, so...yeah). And Mama Natalie could probably find me a tutor or something if I really need it.

Sorry again,

Harry Pilgrim

P.S. Oh yeah, My last name is Pilgrim, not Potter, but it was cool to find out what my old name was, the note to the orphanage only said I was named Harry. Thanks :p

P.P.S. You guys should think about getting E-Mail, that poor owl almost keeled over when he got here
 

seitora

Well-Known Member
#2
Since Scott Pilgrim is in Canada, I'm going to hijack this topic and ask:

Where would the magical schools in North America be located?

I think Salem, Massachusetts is a given, hidden somewhere. Some other location possibilities:

1. Rocky Mountains
2. Greenland
3. Midwest Plains
4. Hidden Aztec city
 

whitewhiskey

Well-Known Member
#3
I'd guess possibly some built into a plateau in the southwest like a cliff dweller, maybe on some island in the gulf or hidden in a Louisiana swap. The flat plains of the Midwest would probably be difficult, but if it's in any mountains, I'd guess the Appalachians.
 

jaredstar

Well-Known Member
#4
personally i always liked the idea that at least a few of the american school are smack dab in the middle of cities
 

ArchfiendRai

Well-Known Member
#5
Hah, this seems like it could be a fun thing, much like the time-loops once were before they got bogged down by crossover after crossover and everything just blended together. (They were fine once in a while, but when every submission on every damn page started being about characters I don't know or care about, it got annoying.)

With this, we go in knowing that crossovers are likely and also more accepted, rather than taking over the original topic.


I'd also like to see some reactions to some of these rejections. Some promise to be hilarious.
 
#6
Dear Hogwarts,

Ahahahaha! Ahahahaha! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Oh. You're serious. Allow me to laugh even more.

BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

No thank you,

Harry Strange
New York City, New York
 

jaredstar

Well-Known Member
#7
Dear Hogwarts

No.

Between my Teachers Josh and Sophie and my Elder Izanagi i have all the magical instruction i could ever need.

Sincerely

Harry Potter-Newman

P.S. Nick Flamel says the Flamel your Headmaster Dumbledore worked with is a Phony.
 

whitewhiskey

Well-Known Member
#8
Andrew Joshua Talon said:
Dear Hogwarts,

Ahahahaha! Ahahahaha! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Oh. You're serious. Allow me to laugh even more.

BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

No thank you,

Harry Strange
New York City, New York
I could see that being sent as a talking letter for added effect
 
#9
Dear Professor McGonnagal,

After considering your offer to come to your school I am afraid I must politely reject the invitation for the moment. My living arrangements make transit to your school on a regular basis a bit problematic. In addition, I am a bit concerned about the laws of Wizarding Britain regarding magical creatures, as under the current regulations my adoptive mother would be held in a wildlife preserve under strict supervision or would have to be registered as my pet.

I don't even want to get into the trouble my teacher would be involved in as she easily qualifies as a class XXXXX Dangerous Magical Creature. In addition, upon reviewing your curriculum and book list she was less than impressed by the qualify of the education I would receive. Given that I she had me send this letter back via a transdimensional portal spell I had to complete myself, I guess I can see her point. Still! I wouldn't mind visiting to reconnect with my family roots as it is a bit lonely being the only human here so long as special exceptions and provisions were made for my adopted family and friends.

Sincerely,

Harry "Green Eyes" Potter
Number 6 Everfree Forest Road
Ponyville, Sun Valley Principality, Equestria
 
#10
Dear Professor McGonnagal,

I must inform you that I already have magical tutors and to be honest they don't speak highly of your school. My parents must also inform you that they've had enough dealing with evil wizards and witches to last them a lifetime, and against ones that would make You-Know-That-Guy-You-Are-Scared-Of look like a gangster instead of this major world conquering threat.

Though we all had a good laugh finding about the line 'The Power He Knows Not' and frankly have a good idea what it is. Let's just say its morphinominal. I just hope I have an easier time than Nick did dealing with that sort of thing. Do ask the school's Headmaster what means. He'll know.

And tell him the safeguards to what I talked about weren't very good.

Anyway, I have to get back to training. Given if this evil wizard is after me I should be ready to kick his butt when the time comes.

Sincerely,

Harry Oliver
Angel Groove
 

bissek

Well-Known Member
#11
Dear Professor McGonagall,

I was surprised to received a letter stating that I have been accepted into a school of magic when I am already attending one. I considered accepting a transfer to your school, but a cursory examination of your recent history casts great doubt about your claim to be the premier school of magic in Europe. Looking through old records and newspapers from the past thirty years, I have found that there have been dropouts from my current school that have accomplished more than all of the valedictorians from yours in that time period - combined. As such, I am electing to remain at the school whose record gives it a much better claim to be the finest school of magic in Britain.

Sincerely,
Harry Potter
Meldiana Academy of Magic, Wales
 

whitewhiskey

Well-Known Member
#12
Andrew Joshua Talon said:
Okay, I'm guessing Fluttershy as the mom and Twilight as the teacher

To Whom It May Concern,

Harry has no need to go to some back-water school to learn magic, especially when we already deal with things beyond the comprehension of your weak minds on a weekly basis.

And I will not be deprived of the only intelligent conversation I have in this town. Bother us again, and I will be...displeased...

Amanda Maxwell
Endsville, USA

P.S. Enclosed are the heads of a few of your wizard friends who decided to visit Harry and I shortly after your letter arrived. Our 'Best Friend' didn't take well to their attack, or their choice in naming their little club. We kept the masks, wands, and their souls.
 

Chuckg

Well-Known Member
#13
Dear Professor McGonagall:

First off, don't bother replying to this letter. The only reason we sent it at all is because we need a formal refusal on the books to get rid of whatever charms allowed the Registration Book to be able to track me. Therefore, you may consider this letter my rejection of any and all offers to enroll as a student at the Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. I have no desire to attend, and should I ever lose my sanity enough to reconsider, my legal guardian would deny me permission to attend anyway.

My guardian reminds me that Dumbledore can't understand subtlety, so I'll say it again more clearly: not only no, but HELL no. Assuming you ever find us in the first place (and rest assured we've already moved without forwarding address, placed ourselves under maximum-strength owl wards, and sterilized our old house with crime scene charms), you will have to drag me to that castle kicking and screaming the entire way, and then use the Imperius Curse to keep me in it.

And no, you can't invoke the laws that forbid Muggle relatives to deny a witch or wizard access to magical education. One, I'm already getting one via private tutors. And two, my legal guardian (so ruled by the magical court system of the place where we were living) is not a Muggle but a wizard.

Yes, that means I'm no longer living at the Dursleys. And make sure to tell your Headmaster Dumbledore that I'd sooner attend the Australian Institute of Magical Toxicology while naked, blindfolded, and under the influence of a permanent Fumble-Fingers Jinx before I'd choose to return to the Dursleys, or to go anywhere near that overrated deathtrap you call a school.

Yes, I'm aware of your oft-touted claim that Hogwarts is allegedly "the finest school of witchcraft and wizardry in the world". I am also aware that only the complete lack of any laws regarding false advertising or libel in the legal code of Magical Britain keeps your faculty from all being introduced face-first to Dementors for having dared to make such an outrageously false claim in public.

For the record, out of the last ICW survey of accredited magical educational institutions in its size category, Hogwarts overall rating was as #75 out of 77 entrants. So congratulations, you're still ahead of such shining educational institutions as the Kwikspell Vocational College and Cauldron Repair Shop and the Chicago Magical Public School District, even if you've slipped behind the Magical Symposium of Mogadishu (#74) again in this year's rankings. Of course, that's because they finally re-opened classes again after the ongoing civil war had closed down their campus for most of the previous decade, which is the only reason you'd ever beaten them out in the first place.

In addition to your extremely low quality of curriculum and mediocre test results among your graduating classes, there is also the issue of your employment of a known Death Eater as not only a senior professor but the head of one of the four houses. A Death Eater who I am reliably informed had an obsessive hatred of my father and a rather perverse unrequited lust for my mother, which culminated in his requesting the Dark Lord to murder my father and give my mother to him as his sex slave. Or were you aware that's what Snape originally asked for, and that 'redeeming' and going to Dumbledore was only his second choice? You might want to bring that up with him at the next staff meeting; I'm sure Dumbledore 'forgot' to mention it to anyone. However, that's between you and him; I intend to deal with the problem of Severus Snape by never willingly going within a thousand miles of him until I'm old and skilled enough to pull his internal organs out through his ears. I have no intention of meeting him in any context other than at wandpoint, much less of submitting to him as someone in a position of authority over me.

My legal guardian would now like to take this moment to send Dumbledore a message:

Albus, you miserable bastard. Anyone who lets a man rot in Azkaban for ten years when he knew full well that he was innocent all along (and trust me, Minerva, he did -- Albus was present at the casting of the Fidelius Charm, so he entirely knew that the real Secret-Keeper was Peter Pettigrew and we were only saying it was Sirius Black as a cover), simply because it furthers whatever sick agenda they have going, is a despicable and cowardly individual who deserves no respect even as a human being, much less as a so-called 'Leader of the Light'. I spit upon you and all those sheep who are stupid enough to follow you. James and Lily were my best friends, and you led them to their deaths. Sirius was my best friend, and you let him die in prison so you could hang on to Harry's custody -- something that was never rightfully yours to begin with. And I will forever be ashamed that it took Sirius' death last year to motivate me to begin investigating things for myself rather than simply accept what you told me about Harry's situation and the reasons I shouldn't seek him out, but I thank Merlin I reached him just in time to prevent him from becoming another one of your pawns.

In conclusion, feel free to fly to Hell on a broom riding side-saddle.

Harry Potter
and
Remus Lupin
 

Obfuscated

Well-Known Member
#14
To Whom It May Concern,

on behalf of my ward, the one you refered to as "Harry Potter" in your letter dated xx.xx.1991, I hereby inform you that:

- My ward has no wish to attend your institution
- Even if he had, I would forbid this on grounds which are to exhausting to list for this poor owl to convey to your perusage. Suffice to say it concerns both the quality of education offered by your institution, the character of several people associated with the same and a general disdain for the society of magical Britain my ward would be forced to interact with.
-To find such a plebeian security hole in the ward scheme of such an prestigious school is disappointing

Regards,

Victor von Doom

PS.: This was written in anti-matter ink. The stasis charm on it will dissolve as soon as it dropped.
 

jaredstar

Well-Known Member
#15
Dear Hogwarts,

After careful consideration, Both I and my master Overlord Hanako agree that at this time i must decline your invitation to attend. We believe that at this particular juncture in my professor class training leaving to learn a particular human worlds magic would have negative repercussions on my growth.

That said while your letter says you await our owl we have no owl to send (While we have no idea how it got here in the first place the owl that delivered the letter died of exhaustion upon delivery of the letter.) we have sent my android minion to act as my proxy in all legal matters in addition to delivering the letter.

Thank you for your consideration.

Sincerly

Harry James Potter
Vassal of Overlord Hanako

P.S. Some research has shown that the British Magical Government trends towards bigotry where what they consider non human humanoids are concerned. Please inform those in power at the Ministry that if she feels threatened i have given my minion leave to do whatever she feels is necessary to facilitate her escape.
 
#16
whitewhiskey said:
Okay, I'm guessing Fluttershy as the mom and Twilight as the teacher
Well Fluttershy was the first to come to mind as a good mother to Harry. Not that the other Mane 6 wouldn't be good mothers in their own right, but it is hard to say no to the element of Kindness. And yeah, Twilight is the teacher.

Though admittedly, I kind of want to see her and Hermione have a conversation. Might be interesting.

,madam ro ris reaD

.emit siht ta sdeen ruo teem ton seod noissimbus ruoY

arataZ yrraH
 
#17
To whom it may concern:
I am sorry to say I cannot accept your invitation to Hogwarts. I am currently enrolled in another school of magic that is a bit involved in a war against the encroaching void in hopes that the Darkspace Calamity will not come to pass.

I have been requested by one of the Prefects to ask for assistance from your school if you can spare anyone at all.

Sincerely,
Novitiate Harry Potter
Hope someone gets the cross over.
 

pacifist

Well-Known Member
#18
Dear Professor McGonagall
Thank you for bringing to our attention the existence of an unlicensed training facility producing rouge pykers on Holy Terra.
The appropriate authorities have been informed and will be with you shortly. I will be arriving shortly after the initial bombardment
and will be looking forward to what will no doubt be an enlightening interview.

Harry Eisenhorn
 
#19
*The letter appears to be written on the back of a photocopy of somebody's butt.*

"Dear Hogwarts.

Pyrofuego. Pyrofuego. Pyrofuego.

Hugs & Kisses.
Harry Dresden. ...Senior. I guess.

P.S. Look out the window, I hope you have marshmallows handy."
 

whitewhiskey

Well-Known Member
#20
To whom it may concern,

I will admit, you've gone the whole nine yards with this crap (Seriously, training an owl just for some prank on a kid, don't you have anything better to do?).

But even if this was real, there's no way I'm going to England just to learn to pull a rabbit out of a hat or some crap, and my Uncle certainly isn't leaving his kick-ass job at Black Mesa for this crap.

And, to be honest, I'd have to guess one of you was responsible for me ending up at the Durselys, and while he is a heavy drinking, violent (Towards others, not me) and all around neurotic son-of-a-bitch, my uncle and current guardian is a damn sight better than them.

Don't piss him off, he will kick you ass.

So, in short, piss off,

Harry Freeman
 
#21
Obfuscated said:
To Whom It May Concern,

on behalf of my ward, the one you refered to as "Harry Potter" in your letter dated xx.xx.1991, I hereby inform you that:

- My ward has no wish to attend your institution
- Even if he had, I would forbid this on grounds which are to exhausting to list for this poor owl to convey to your perusage. Suffice to say it concerns both the quality of education offered by your institution, the character of several people associated with the same and a general disdain for the society of magical Britain my ward would be forced to interact with.
-To find such a plebeian security hole in the ward scheme of such an prestigious school is disappointing

Regards,

Victor von Doom

PS.: This was written in anti-matter ink. The stasis charm on it will dissolve as soon as it dropped.
Now I'm imagining Doom being a father... And of course, he'd strive to be the best father ever if only to show up RICCCHHHARRRDDDSSS.

- - - - -

"Doom sees not much challenge in this!" Victor Von Doom said as he observed that Richards had once again forgotten his son's name. "...clearly, to have worthy rival in fatherhood, Doom must first advance his rival, though it makes his armor-clad skin crawl in revulsion to even CONCEIVE of such a thing!"

Doom stood up from his throne, dismissing the holowindows. Harry von Doom, his adopted son, was doing some work on an energy blaster nearby.

"But Doom must do what Doom must do. SUCH IS THE WAY OF DOOM!"

"Father," Harry spoke at last, "you could just enjoy watching me show up Richard's sprog. Wouldn't that mean you were the superior father?"

"No," Doom said firmly with a hard look. A look that softened slightly in the only visible part of his face behind his mask: His eyes. "But it makes me proud of my superior son."

Harry smiled at his father, who coughed.

"I mean it makes DOOM proud of his... never mind."

"I got it. Thank you Father!"

"Just give your father a hug," Doom spoke, holding out his arms. Harry rushed up to his father with a bright grin.

"Okay!"

*DOOM HUG! Even better than RICCCCHHHHHAAARRRRRDDDSSSS hugs!*
 
#22
Dear Headmaster Dumbledore,

As you are the one who runs Hogwarts, and wish to run my life, I felt it best to send this letter to you. To clear the air and drill into your head what you need to know.

First, no way am I going to your backwater little school. My guardian, who I think is my second cousin or such, and he has informed me about a lot of things you'd rather I didn't know. Frankly that they consider you the embodiment of goodness and light disturbs me.

I know Captain America and you sir are nothing like him.

Still I am training to deal with Riddle, and gathering allies. Nothing ever said I had to do this alone.

Sincerely,

Harry Summers
 

whitewhiskey

Well-Known Member
#23
Dear Professor McGonagall,

I am sorry to say that I have to decline your offer to attend your school. As my family regularly moves around the world for reasons of my uncles work, I would not feel right leaving my cousin Penny on her own with only her dog to help keep an eye on Uncle Gadget.

Sorry again,

Harry Potter
Also, as sad as it is, Doom probably is a better dad than Richards, not that it would be difficult to be a better dad or husband than Reed Richards
 

seitora

Well-Known Member
#24
To Professor McGonagall,

Unfortunately, I must regretfully decline your offer for me to attend the Hogwarts School of Witchraft and Wizardry. England needs me, you see, and so I must continue my schooling at the British Intelligence Academy, and that's totally groovy, baby. Besides, my father tells me areas of high magic concentration will cause my mojo to deteriorate over time. That is unacceptable.

Besides, after the enemies I have already dealt with in the past, I believe this Lord Voldemort of who you speak is no match for me. Does he have any females in his organisation? After having seduced several fembots already, I am sure that the first witch he sends after me will be his downfall. Yeah baby yeah!

Sincerely,

Harry Powers
 
#25
Prof. Mcgonagall;
Sorry for the feces, but the flying monkey I had to send to you is not yet potty trained.

As for sending my adoptive son to your school, I am afraid that I cannot do that for he is learning all the wicked spells I can teach him.

Signed,
WWW
 
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