Harry Potter Hogwarts Rejection Letters

Dear Professor,

Before anything else, I just want to say: congratulations on somehow getting this weird bird onto a space colony. I am legitimately impressed. I thought there were check points for animals and stuff, but I guess this thing outsmarted them.

But, the thing is, I'm already in school. And yours seems to be somewhere in the Earth Sphere. Where there is a huge war going on. Maybe if the Zeon surrender tomorrow I would consider it, but as it is, Dad says no and I agree.

My apologies,
Harry Noa (Formerly Potter)
 
Dear Hogwarts

No. Just no. Father won't want me learning from some pansy school of magic that failed to understand the dark powers he calls on and controls. Also the rise in divorce rates is due to him using a spell powered by all love to destroy things.

Some things just can't be helped.

Sincerely,

Harry Evilwizardington.
 

Vanigo

Well-Known Member
FanboyimusPrime said:
Harry Evilwizardington.
Seriously? BM couldn't last twenty minutes before sacrificing the helpless orphan to some god or other, even if he wanted to. Which he doesn't. Now, Fighter I could believe - and Harry McWarrior is pretty sure that no matter what Dad says, Uncle BM is evil, and everyone knows that RM is crazy, so, really, he doesn't want magic anywhere near him.
 
BM might keep Harry alive if he could use him to manipulate White Mage into spending time with him. "Well if you're not around to stop me, I might just corrupt or sacrifice this poor orphan to my Dark Gods, you know me."
 

Vanigo

Well-Known Member
Chaotic Symbolism said:
BM might keep Harry alive if he could use him to manipulate White Mage into spending time with him. "Well if you're not around to stop me, I might just corrupt or sacrifice this poor orphan to my Dark Gods, you know me."
Even if he tried to do that, he would fail. BM is incredibly bad at suppressing his "murder everything" impulses, even on the rare occasions that he cares enough to try.
 

whitewhiskey

Well-Known Member
whitewhiskey said:
Alright, here's the skinny of it,

The kid SCP 1010 (I'm sorry, they're making me put that part down) isn't going to your little school. As quaint as a drafty, millenium old castle would be, I doubt the kid would go somewhere his 360 wouldn't work, and I seriously doubt you sorry bastards could handle the kid.

That said, we're watching you punks, and we have more than a few contingency plans if you mess up like you did in the forties or the sixties, one of which involves a large, homicidal force of nature that is oddly friendly to the kid, so toe the line bitches.

Dr. ████████ Kondraki

P.S. Beware the Ukulele- Dr. Alto Clef
-----------

RED ALERT! RED ALERT!

"Get him, damn it!"

*Pomf*

"Damnit, D-1203, I said NO LETHAL FORCE! You're just making him harder to catch!"

"Sorry-"

"Don't say your sorry," The security officer yelled, "get your heads out of your asses and catch Ten-Ten!"

Suddenly, the red alert sirens stopped, the generic female voice replaced with a young boy's, "Home Free, fuckers!"

Some shuffling over the speakers, and the boys voice was replaced with an older mans, "You heard him, fuckers, everyone to the security office. Training exorcize over."

--------

Alto Clef looked at the screen at poor saps that had just failed their training. It was an experimental program to elevate D-class to a sort of security force that wouldn't be 'disposed' of after a month...

Still D-class, but a higher class of D-class...

"So much for this group, huh?"

Clef looked to the boy in a swivel chair, playing Animal Crossing like he hadn't caught a head shot a few minutes ago...

And some bullets to the chest before that...

And tackled before that, snapping his neck...

"And I even gave them your file, too."

"Unaltered?" The boy asked, looking up from his game.

"Well..." Clef trailed off before the door opened.

"Hey, kid, c'mon, Bright wants your help with something."

"Aww," the boy groaned, "Do I have to? Last time I helped Bright, I died, like, five times. Can't I just go hang out with 682? Or maybe Fifty-Three?"

"I'm keeping an eye on him this time, kid. Now let's go, I've got shit to do."
 
Dear Hogwarts,

Sorry, but I have chosen to forgo an education in magic so I can pursue a career in robotics. Someone needs to carry on my grandpa's work, and continue the good he does for the world. Magic... doesn't really play into that. Roll wouldn't like having to go back to doing all the chores again anyway.

Sorry,
Harry Light (Formerly Potter)
 

burnerx7

Well-Known Member
So...

Harry's green eyes was the inspiration for X's green eyes?

Still waiting for someone to write one letter about a Planeswalker Harry, still not sure who would be a better mother for him: Elspeth, Liliana or Chandra?
 

whitewhiskey

Well-Known Member
Seriously? You guy are just starting to teach kids? Harry is eleven years old, for pete's sake. If that's how late you teach all your kids then it's no wonder us real witches never noticed you weak idiots.

Harry's already learning plenty, especially with how popular he became at the last Witches' Mass. So between Me, the Mizune and the rest, He's set.

So screw off,
Eruka Frog
--------
Eruka watched in horror as her friend screamed in pain, powerless as whatever Medusa has done started to tear her apart from the inside.

"MIZUNE!" The frog witch screamed, only for her voice to be overshadowed by a louder hissing.

"STOP!" To the surprise of everyone, none more so than Medusa herself, whatever was hurting Mizune stopped, the mousy falling to the ground, blood dripping from her mouth, but alive and breathing.

Eruka looked behind her to the source of the hiss. It was the brat, a kid she'd found no more than a month ago and took as a servant on a whim, the kid could cook, something Eruka couldn't do well herself without food poisoning. It had just been a random chance, a lark, but now...

Now he'd saved Mizune's life.

The boy hissed something again.

"Leave Miss Eruka and Mizune alone!"

Eruka didn't even try to understand what the boy just hissed, but she felt a very uncomfortable feeling rise from her stomach, up her throat and out her mouth as a snake emerged, the same happening for Mizune.

Looking at the snakes, obviously Medusa's, and back to the boy, Eruka smirked, walking to him while still clutching her now empty belly.

"Well, you're a way more useful servant than I expected, ribbit." Eruka patted the boys dark hair, before whispering into his ear, "Have them bring Mizune here."

"Yes, Miss Eruka," the boy replied before hissing, the snakes quickly pulling Mizune away from the stunned Medusa.

As they did, the snake witch finally recovered. This was not her night.

"Well, Medusa, it looks like our plan is still good," Eruka gloated, ruffling the boys hair, "Either release your soul protect and get caught by the DWMA, or leave it on and get killed by your own snakes, this is just too perfect," she crouched a bit, "I wish you had told me you had magical power, kid."

"Sorry," The boy said shyly, "I-I didn't know, I just thought I was a freak."

"Hey, you're no freak, you're part of the family now, I may even adopt you for this, ribbit," Eruka said, giddy at how good a turn the night had taken, "And our first mother-son activity will be taking down that wench," She pointed at Medusa.

The snake witch was grinding her teeth in frustration, this had gone bad. The snakes she had planted were simple and easy to conceal, but also stupid and only meant to take direct commands or have a trigger for a preset action, and so it was probably easy for whatever magic this brat used to control them, but now her only way to defend herself would be to release her soul protect. She had no doubt that she could beat the Frog witch and the barely conscious Mizune, even with the Boy as a wild card, but she would be quickly detected by the Meisters.

Her only chance would be to act quickly. Maybe if she moved quickly enough, she could dispatch both witches, capture the boy for study and get her Soul Protect back in place and get away before a Meister arrived.

"Fribbit Cribbit Ribbit Ribbit," Medusa's eyes narrowed, "Fribbit Ribbit Cribbit Cribbit," and Eruka's widened, because it wasn't her casting her signature spell, "Ribbit Ribbit Rib-Tadpole Bomb!" Ulike when used by Eruka, where she'd have to throw the explosive amphibian, the conjured tadpole shot forward like a cannonball, Leaving Medusa just barely able to dodge as it impacted the wall behind her, the more powerful explosion knocking the Snake to the ground, shrapnel catching her in the back.

Eruka looked on in shock, the kid had seen her use the spell once, maybe twice and he was able to not only completely remember the incantation and hand sign, but used it with more power than she ever had and didn't even look winded. This kid, all this time she'd had such a powerful kid right under her nose and she'd never known it, the soul she sensed from him shouldn't have this much power, and if he had Soul Protect in place, he wouldn't be able to use magic.

"W-was that alright, Miss Eruka."

Eruka looked at the blooded Medusa growling at them, "Don't call me that anymore," she smiled wide, a response mimicked by her hat, "After this, I am definitely adopting you, kid, now let's finish this."

"Yes...Mother?" With a nod from the Frog Witch, the boy smiled, a hiss sending the snakes after Medusa, who was finally releasing her Soul Protect to keep from dying.

What happened that night changed the course of the world from the plans of madness but that, is another story.
 

jaredstar

Well-Known Member
i cant speak for anybody else but i would read the hell out of a good harry potter/soul eater fic in general and one with this premise in particular
 
Hell, I don't know anything about Soul Eater besides the few pictures and wiki I looked at when I googled "Eruka Frog", and I would love to read more based on this premise myself.
 

whitewhiskey

Well-Known Member
As much as I would like to, I don't know enough about Soul Eater to write a full story (Even though I would Like to do one for this). I am, however, kicking around another Soul Eater cross idea I may post here in a day or two

But, as with any snippet I write, if someone wants to use it to make an actual story, just ask. I'm sure there's someone who could build off of my ideas.
 

jaredstar

Well-Known Member
while working tonight i kept thinking about Lord Deaths reaction to the death eaters in general and Voldemort in particular

this comes to mind

 
It bears mentioning that Lord Death COULDN'T just kill Asura.

Think about that: DEATH couldn't kill someone.

Lord Death ripped off the guy's skin to create a bag capable of containing the monster-man, and then Death permanently and forever sealed HIMSELF to the very land around that dungeon to strength the prison. Then Death went and had a son to eventually replace him as a mobile Death God.

That's an extremely drastic series of measures for one single enemy. It's entirely possible that Death is not normally so harsh as to flay people alive and seal them away forever when he can just simply kill them.

And basically the only way that any individual witch could survive Lord Death was to run and hide from him. Archane did just that in utter terror of the god.

Death WAS loudly and angrily shouting for the woman to come out and get killed, however. So yeah, he'd probably have hunted the Death Eaters with a purpose, together with his original Seven Reapers.
 
Dear Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry,

Thank you for your kind offer. However, as the leader of Harry's adopted family, I find that I must decline, on grounds of already providing our ward with adequate instruction in the arcane arts. Frankly, considering we're still trying to save the world from our own self-styled Dark Lord, I hope you'll understand why I'm reluctant to part with one of our two (three, but two competent) arcane spellcas-

As Harry's instructor in the world-shattering secrets of true wizardry and a premier wielder of the very forces of the universe, I find the title of your school insulting beyond belief. Be grateful that, due to a fundamental shift in the laws of our cosmos which you could not begin to hope to understand, I am currently unable to arrive at your school of Warlock-ry on a whim to rain arcane destruction. To put it simply, NO.

Vaarsuvius,
Keeper of a Thousand Arcane Secrets

P.S. Guess which spell I prepared this morning?
 
To Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry,

My new apprentice has no need of your paltry, watered down education. I will teach him everything he needs to know, and more. Do not write again.

Sincerely,
Master Yen Sid.
 

Amaretto

Well-Known Member
Dear Mimi,

While I am sure Hogwarts is the finest school for a young wizard I have my reservations about Harry attending such an institution. I believe that the Aeslands were thoroughly encouraged not to return upon my graduation. I admit taking in young Harry was at first just an idle curiosity he has become rather dear to myself and my daughter Lilith. Should you still wish for him to attend you will have to arrange an invitation for Lilith as well. The two are most fond of each other and after that nasty incident with Pyron, quite inseparable.

Best Regards,
Morrigan Aesland

P.S. Due to certain complications involving the night of his parents death Harry has developed certain special needs. I would be more than happy to help arrange for his needs to be met should he and Lilith choose to attend.
 

ThreadWeaver

Beware of Dog. Cat not trustworthy either.
Dear Hogwarts,

Thank you for your invitation for Harry to attend your "prestigious" school. However, after finding him beaten almost to death in a park during one of my excursions around your planet, and after reviewing his history in detail, for his own protection I cannot in any due conscience allow him to step foot in your country again.

Since my sisters Ayeka and Washu and even my mother from the future, the harlots, have run off with my man Tenchi, I will have plenty of time to train Harry in real magic, namely manipulating the fabric of reality as you know it. Considering your magic was derived (read: stolen during a dark ritual) from one of my space tree children that rooted on your planet 10,000 years ago, I feel I am uniquely qualified to do so.

Retribution will be forthcoming, by the way.

Until we return, he will be with me on my spaceship approximately 50,000 light years from Earth, and won't have time to travel, even if we cared to.

Sincerely,
The Chousin Goddess Tsunami/Sasami

P.S. My Sasami incarnation is finding him to be quite the enjoyable companion, so it may be a while before we're back. Good luck with that "Dark Lord" thing in the meantime.
P.S.S. The owl that delivered this message did not seem to appreciate the interstellar travel necessary for said conveyance. I gave him some "upgrades" and he should be arriving shortly after this letter. Watch out for those new upgrades, by the way, as I'm sure he'll want to make his annoyance perfectly plain when he does arrive.
---------------------------
Damn Plot Bunnies infecting my brain
 

Tsuki_CB

Well-Known Member
It seems this thread that was dedicated to funny has been reduced to fail, I say we nuke it from orbit.


It's the only way to be sure.
 

ThreadWeaver

Beware of Dog. Cat not trustworthy either.
How about you tell us which one of us "fail" and why, instead of throwing a blanket statement in hopes of having an out ("Oh, I didn't mean you!") when you ultimately discover that you've ticked off a great number of people in the thread.

Or did you just have a bad day and were you just trying to be a troll for the helluvit?

Simply saying "You fail" or "This is fail" is a sure way to discourage people away from being creative with no idea as to WHAT they did wrong, with the only benefit being some vague and indefinable boost to your ego for putting other people down without possibly getting bitch-slapped in return as you might in the "real" world.
 
---
To 'Hogwarts school of witchcraft and wizardry'

Firstly, let me say this off the bat: An entire school dedicated to magic? Wow, I don't know how you've kept yourself free and hidden from the Chantry, but congrats. (Unless it's blood magic. in which case you can all go die in a fire)

Secondly, you really should look towards changing that name. Hogwarts is ridiculous, and 'witchcraft' is going to make folks think you're teaching maleficarum.

Now, as to the point of your letter: While I'm sure it a great honor for Harry to be invited to your school, I'm afraid I'm going to have to decline. Not to denigrate your academy or anything, it's just that Harry is already in possession of a perfectly serviceable set of spells already and whats more, I'm afraid he's become quite popular with me and my colleagues, not to mention my mother simply adores him. To ask that we send him away for up to 10 months at a time is completely unacceptable.

Also, The Arishok seems to like him and I'm not giving up anything that's going to help keep the Qunari pacified.

Best wishes, Marian Hawke.
---
 
Double Postan' ahoy!

--
To "Hogwart's school of voodoo n shit"

Give up Boss' kid? Are you outta yer goddamn minds? Like shit he's goin anywhere we cant go. God, do you fuckers even realize what would happen if boss didn't have Harry around to make sure she ain't COMPLETELY fuckin nuts?

That's disregarding the fact that you say you're gunna teach him 'magic'. Sure weird shit happens with the kid, but magic? Like that crazy ass "eye for an Eye" voodoo shit? Like fuck harry's gettin mixed up with that.

So yeah. Fuck off, Harry ain't going nowheres.

(In)sincerely, Johnny Gat (With Kinzie helpin' with formattin' n shit)
----
 

whitewhiskey

Well-Known Member
Hey, yeah,

Look, the kid is staying here, sorry. As good a things as I've heard about some of your graduates (I've heard great things about that Bellatrix woman) and about your facilities (Really, how many schools can you find next to an Acromantula colony? 3, that's how many, I checked), I think it would be better if my son stayed at home. You know, learned the tricks of the trade from his old man.

But thanks anyway, guys.

Hunson Abadeer

Dictated, but not read
(((((((((())))))))))​

"...But I will see what I can find out from HIM concerning Mimi's whereabouts." Aku, the Shogun, er...The Shoguness of Shadows, spoke sternly to her daughter, "Right now, I want you to stay here, understand?"

"My lo-My Lady," Demongo said, bowing...or bobbing, from the doorway, "Lord Abadeer has arrived with his son."

Standing behind the floating demon-soul was a messy haired bespectacled boy of twelve, dressed in a maroon suit and bolo tie with cowboy boots.

"Hello, Lady Ikra," The boy greeted with a small smile, "Hello, Chi."

"Greetings, Harry," The shapeshifter nodded to the young prince, "I shall leave you two to your devices, while I speak with your father." She said as she headed out the door, pausing only for a moment, "Demo, stay with the children and keep them out of trouble."

"Yes, my lady."

Harry watched the ruler of the dark metropolis leave before turning to see his hostess with her back mostly to him, texting rather angrily.

"Is there something wrong, Chi?"

The dark princess growled something too softly for the boy to hear.

"Chi?"

"Why won't she answer!?" The future Shoguness roared, her form shifting into a reptilian beast as a new tail swept out, knocking the surprised Harry's feet out from under him

"My lady, please calm down," Demo cried, floating close, "Your emotions are affecting you, um, looks."

"What are you talking about?"

"Wow, Chi," Harry said, a little in awe, "When did you learn to do that? Dad hasn't even begun to teach me shapeshifting, yet."

"What are...you..." Chi finally caught sight of herself in a mirror behind Harry, "Is that...Me?"

"Congratulations, my lady," Demo said, "It seems you have taken your first step in the art of Shape-Shifting."

Chi wasn't listening, stepping over the other Underworld Heir to get a closer look in the mirror, her face slipping back into it's normal, human-like shape, "Sugoi," She breathed quietly, only broken away when a small, pink and gold Derringer pistol was lifted in front of her face.

"This is yours, isn't it, Chi?"

Scowling, she quickly grabbed the pistol and spun, putting the barrel to Harry's forehead, "What are you doing with my things?"

Smiling nervously, Harry answered, "I found it in the driveway and fixed it. I thought it was yours."

Taking a moment, Chi realized it was the same gun the Lord of Fire Hell had bitten in half.

"Che," Chi scoffed, turning away from the boy to put her weapon away.

"I apologize, lord Harry," Demo approached, "Lord Him arrived without his daughter, and my lady has been distressed because of it."

"Oh," Harry said, sounding downcast, before sighing, "Well, maybe I can help. I could probably find Mimi."

"What!" Chi asked, suddenly in the boy's face, "How?"

"M-My sister," Harry stuttered, blushing from the princesses close proximity, "Marcy visited last week and she taught me how to Scry for folks. If you have anything of hers and a large bowl of water, I could find her, maybe even open a portal if she's in the underworld."

"Then what are you waiting for?" Chi yelled emptying out a soup bowl and throwing it at him. As he caught it just before hitting his face, she retrieved a lock of hair from inside her kimono.

"Right," Harry smiled, placing the bowl in front of the mirror, waving a hand over it as it filled with water from an unseen source. Dropping a few hairs into the bowl, he muttered, "Manifesto...Locus...Quaerebant...Daemon!"

The water took on an eerie green glow, as did the boy's Bolo tie, as the liquid swirled, the bowl's bottom disappearing as they saw a small room. It wasn't a cell, as it seemed to comfortable, posters and pictures too angled to see right. But some snores, as well as length of pitch black hair, could be found from under the bed.

"THERE SHE IS!" Chi yelled, "Quick, open the portal!"

"But we don't know where that is yet, it could be dangerous and-"

"Open the portal!" She yelled again.

"My lady, the young lord is correct, we must-" Demo was cut off when a flame-tipped tail smacked him out of the air as a tyrannosaur-like Chi grabbed Harry by his suit-coat.

"Open the damn portal!"

"O...-kay," Harry said, camly and in no way caught between scared and blushing from the girls proximity. Setting himself so the bowl was between him and the mirror, he waved a hand towards the full length mirror, "Speculi, Sint Semitae Meae."

Ripples danced across the mirror as it became like water, showing the room in the pool instead of Chi's room. The Dark Princess dashed through the mirror, forgetting to release Demo or Harry as she dragged them through the quickly closing portal.

As Harry shook off the feeling of vertigo, he found Chi holding a familiar looking...Human?

"Oh, my love, what have they done to you, to cast you into such a weakened state and-"

INTRUDER ALERT! INTRUDER ALERT!

"Crap," Harry grit his teeth, standing quickly.

"Well," Chi said, "Open the portal."

"I can't since you took me away from the scrying pool, I need to see both ends to open it between mirrors."

"What the heck?"

Both heirs turned to the doorway to see...A Skeleton in football gear holding a food tray?

He seemed just as surprised, the room silent, save for the intruder alert system, until the boy skeleton saw Mimi, unconscious, in Chi's arms.

Apparently assuming the worst, his football gear shifted into an overcoat, the hood's shadow over the glowing-eyed skull giving them an impression of where they had ended up.

As the boy, now recognizable as a Reaper, growled something unintelligable, Harry realized this was probably not going as well as Chi hoped.

(((((((((())))))))))​

Marceline groaned in sheer boredom. She'd come all the way to the Nightosphere, only to find her brother had been dragged away on business by their dad.

Marceline floated idly around the palace balcony, looking out over the madness of her father's realm, until a portal ripped open nearby. Expecting her brother and father, Marceline was surprised when a pair of young girls and a small soul-ball dropped through.

"What the flip?" The vampire queen looked quizzically at the group as the portal closed behind them, spitting out a skull at the last second, a sort of skull she could recognize from her youth.

When the odd feeling of vertigo wore off, Chi, still clinging to her unconscious love, found herself looking up at a blank faced, grey skinned woman, holding a skull.

"This," Marceline began, "Is a skull of a guard of the Castle of Grim. Now I could probably make a joke or two about how screwed you are if you pissed off Mandy the Bitch Queen, but the only thing that I can think right now is a question. And keep in mind, I'll kill you if you lie." She pointed out, her eyes turning red, "Where is my brother?"

Scoffing at the audacity of the woman, Chi glared at her, "Do you know who I am? I-" Anything further was cut off as a strong hand slapped her across the room and into a wall, knocking her away from Mimi.

Shocked, if only for a moment, Chi clutched her cheek before her flames truly ignited, her form shifting to a tyrannosaur-like visage, "You foolish wench, I'll-"

Again, Chi's tirade was cut off, this time by a very large, very angry bat-like monster, who wrapped her hand around the heir of Aku, squeezing tightly.

"Now you listen, you scum sucking, spoiled little bitch," Marceline growled deeply, "I could kill you any time I want, I could cripple you and make you watch as I drain your little friend dry of anything red in her body and leave her as a husk for the crows. I could break you and cast you into a pit of the most vile, evil and monstrous demons you could imagine and never have a second thought about it." The bat creatures grip lessened, if only a little, as she continued, "The only reason I don't kill you where you are is because my little brother may have just given his life to save your sorry asses, and if there's even a chance of him being alive, then I have to hurry, but know this," The creature hissed as it returned to her normal form, eyes still glowing an eerie red, "If my brother is dead, then you will live, and I will make sure every moment you do so, from here to eternity, is nothing but pain and horror like you can't even imagine." And with that, the Vampire Queen took to the skies, leaving a fearfully shaking Chi behind.

(((((((((())))))))))​

Mandy, the Bride of Death, looked at the gray skinned teen that had just burst through her castle doors with a great deal of annoyance.

"Why the fuck is it apparently so easy for children to break into my damn castle?"

Ignoring the question, Marceline Abadeer, Princess of the Nightosphere and Queen of Vampires, reached to her back and, for the first time in a long, long time, gripped her Axe-Bass, and held it as it was meant to be held, as a weapon, cast from the condensed madness of the most evil and depraved souls and forged in the fires of damnation, the weapon giving off a bloody glow.

"Mandy," Marceline growled, her hair waving like serpents as her eyes glowed to match her axe, "I'm here for my brother, and if I have to carve you up like a turkey, then so be it."

Rolling her eyes slightly, Mandy drew her pistols, spitting out a cigarette.

As the smouldering ashes hit the ground, the battle began.

********

And that's all I got for this, an HP/Grim Tales crossover

I sorta thought about Harry having an unrequited crush on Chi, and kinda tried to reflect it in this.
 
oysterbro said:
Double Postan' ahoy!

--
To "Hogwart's school of voodoo n shit"

Give up Boss' kid? Are you outta yer goddamn minds? Like shit he's goin anywhere we cant go. God, do you fuckers even realize what would happen if boss didn't have Harry around to make sure she ain't COMPLETELY fuckin nuts?

That's disregarding the fact that you say you're gunna teach him 'magic'. Sure weird shit happens with the kid, but magic? Like that crazy ass "eye for an Eye" voodoo shit? Like fuck harry's gettin mixed up with that.

So yeah. Fuck off, Harry ain't going nowheres.

(In)sincerely, Johnny Gat (With Kinzie helpin' with formattin' n shit)
----
xxXXxxXXxxXXxxx

"So, Boss, remind me again what we're doing here? I was havin' fun fuckin' around at the alamo before you got all huffy and had us all zap here."

Natalie Karson, Known better to the world as "The Boss" and until very recently as "Madam Motherfucking President", looked at her subordinate and sighed.

"Johnny, we're here because Kinzie says there's a really weird energy signature coming from this...time...point...whatever, something really important happens here tonight so we're here to see what it is. Also, Matt's been whining about getting revenge on all the folks who bullied him so there's that too."

"Whatever Boss, just kinda boring watching some house in the middle of bumfuck nowhere. When we gonna shoot shit?"

"Whenever the important thing shows up, but I suppose we could-"

Her phone buzzed, cutting short her thought.

"Yeah Kinzie?"

"Boss, the readings on the timechart just spiked, whatever's going to happen is coming your way, and soon."

A smile graced Natalie's face.

"Showtime, Johnny"

"'Bout Fuckin' time."

XXxxXX

Few things would have fazed Natalie, as her time in the Saints had exposed her to some seriously whacked shit, but seeing a motorcycle fly, and outside the simulation at that had to go into at least the top 50. Maybe even the top 30.

"Uh, Boss? You sure we ain't back in the program?"

"Yeah, pretty damn sure Johnny."

"Right, jus' makin' sure."

"OhmigodohmigodohmiGOD! How is it doing that Boss please get your hands on it pleasepleasepleasepleaseplease-"

"FINE! Gimme a minute, goddamn Kinzie."

Natalie watched as the bike, ridden by what appeared to be a man the size of Oleg touched down beside an old man and woman 'where the hell did THEY come from?!' and set what appeared to be a package of some sort near the doorstop of one of the houses. Motioning to Johnny, she vaulted out of the cheap car she'd appropriated and fired a tazer shot directly at the old man, Johnny following up with a shot to the woman. Both dropped down, taken by surprise, and as the Oleg-lookalike rounded with a roar of rage two more tazer rounds impacted him in the face, bringing him down as well.

"That was easier than normal. hardly worth the wait."

"yeah, you're right. Hey Kinzie, i got your bike for you, where's the reading coming from?"

"Uh, the package boss."

Looking down, Natalie was fairly nonplussed to see the 'package' was in actuality a baby crib, complete with baby.

The child looked up at her, and gurgled a disgustingly large quantity of spit down his chin.

"Wait, we're here to kidnap a fuckin' baby? What the fuck Kinzie, what is this, I ain't touchin' no kid-"

"He's beautiful ..."

"Wait, what boss?!"

Johnny looked over to see Natalie caressing the kid to her face, heedless of the drool now lining her cheek.

"who's gunna be a good little sociopath? Who's gunna be mommy's little killer? YOU are, yes you are!"

"What the absolute fuck."

XXXxxxXXXxxx

yeah, not that great, but I wanted to flesh something out at least. I waffled whether to put it after SR4 or SR3, and decided SR4 worked better in terms of getting Boss and co to England and giving them a reason to be at Privet Drive. Also, assume best end of SR4, with the addition of Oleg and Birk being time-rescued by the Saints.
 
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