Iron Fic 2-3

Left Shoe

Well-Known Member
#29
"B for Boom" by AJT

Readability: 20
Use of the theme: 18
Use of details: 17
Story/Plot: 12
Other/personal opinion (general): 15

Total: 82

Spoiler comments: The pairing of Ron and Luna seemed sudden and forced. ... I won't beat that dead horse.

Other than that, how does this (or more specifically, the part where Ron has anything to do with non-magical explosives on a mid-to-large scale) tie into the events of "Harry Potter"? I'm not really seeing it.

Props for the fireworks. :snigger:

EDIT: (I've never actually read any of Harry Potter, so Halibel isn't the only one.)

--------------------------------------------------

"Emergency Escape" by Megaolix

Readability: 18
Use of the theme: 19
Use of details: 15
Story/Plot: 16
Other/personal opinion (general): 17

Total: 85

Spoiler comments: A couple weird capitals in there, and one or two possible typos.

I like how you had a Plan B for Naoto and a sort-of-Plan-B for Kanji, intertwined.

Unfortunately, though, mentioning the prompt outright didn't win you any favors.

--------------------------------------------------

"The neverending waltz" by Dartz_IRL

Readability: 19
Use of the theme: 18
Use of details: 20
Story/Plot: 19
Other/personal opinion (general): 20

Total: 96

Spoiler comments: I had the hardest time getting through this one, because I didn't want it to end! I went back over it at least four times, and I laughed until I almost cried (at least the first time).

The only nitpicks I really have are
"timing to perfection" rather than "timed", and
"might not be to appetising" ("too").

...And is "HB" supposed to stand for Hanna-Babera?

EDIT: Just to maintain consistency, you might not have outright mentioned Plan B, C, etc.

--------------------------------------------------

"A Night to Remember" by Kayeich

Readability: 20
Use of the theme: 15
Use of details: 19
Story/Plot: 16
Other/personal opinion (general): 14

Total: 84

Spoiler comments: Mmmmmmffff! (Translation: I still can't breathe get it off!!!!!!))

EDIT: You're lucky I don't take off points for the cookie incident. I'm #$%&ing allergic to oatmeal! :rip1: [/RP]

The story started off much like syrup, slow and very, very sugary (maybe a little too much). Towards the end, the pace picked up quite a bit.

As for the theme, your fic was essentially "Plan A, plan A, plan A, plan A, oh-shit-let's-try-that-...-no?-plan-C!"

And again, mentioning the prompt, ... eh.

--------------------------------------------------

"Murphy Was a Grunt" by Rooster455

Readability: 19
Use of the theme: 18
Use of details: 18
Story/Plot: 15
Other/personal opinion (general): 17

Total: 87

Spoiler comments: I assume "El-Tee" stands for "Lieutenant"? What does JSF stand for?

Mentioning Plan B outright, isn't that invoking Murphy's Law? And discussing Murphy's Law right before battle, the foreshadowing is so dark it was hard to see.

--------------------------------------------------

"Seduction" by twin blade

Readability: 20
Use of the theme: 18
Use of details: 17
Story/Plot: 15
Other/personal opinion (general): 16

Total: 86

Spoiler comments: The point of this seemed to be "Every plan is bad, let's just bail!" The characters were practically screaming this at each other.

While I see the humor in the situation and dialogue, the contrast between humor and the characters' desperation didn't mesh particularly well. Perhaps you could have focused more on one of the two, instead of both?

--------------------------------------------------

Wow, really? After all this time, not a single other judge (besides HL) has put up any scores? Even I can only drag it out for so long.
 

violinmana

(Hardcore) Gamer
#30
Dammit, I missed it again! Wata, you'd better IM me via Steam next week, so that I /won't/ miss it.
 

Halibel Lecter

Well-Known Member
#31
Here they are!




B for Boom, by Andrew Joshua Talon

Beautiful little romance, well handled and light. IÆve never read any HP, but thoroughly enjoyed this. There were a few typographical errors, and the dialogue was a bit choppy, but nothing awful. The explosives-related content was nicely added, too, not too much, not to little. Okay, too little for my liking. IÆm a pyro. But it didnÆt interfere with the story, nor was it too scant to explain the charactersÆ actions. Well done, with just the right amount of sweet spice.

Readability: 15
Theme: 20 (Nice subtle twist, by the way~)
Details: 17
Plot: 19
Opinion: 20
Total: 91


Emergency Escape, by Megaolix

Another romance, less beautiful than cute. It was a bit short, and the small paragraphs (can they even be called that?) were jarring at first, but I can also see where they helped regulate the pace. If only there wasnÆt thisà.swing to once side of the spectrum. And also, unless you knew canon, characters blended and motives were unclear. Decent job on the confession scene, but overall, this dish is too bland and overly complex.

Readability: 14
Theme: 18
Details: 15
Plot: 20
Opinion: 18
Total: 85



The Neverending Waltz, by Dartz IRL

The ôgaunt, pared backö style of this dish reminds me more of Calvin and HobbesÆ vaguely cynical take on stunts, than of the old cartoons. But the execution, the style, the thought process of a distinctly human predatorà thatÆs something the author has down, cold. A joy to read, anticipation and laughter well mixed in a perfect ratio. My only problem is the readability, with many small typographical errors, and a few style flaws toward the end of each shot. For the most part, a lovely dish.

Readability: 14
Theme: 20
Details: 17
Plot: 19
Opinion: 20
Total: 90


A Night to Remember, by Kayeich

Wow. Very well written, lots of great, well-placed comedy, and a stunningly casual viewpoint that, may I say, your humble reader appreciates. The details are greatùfinally! A chef with a taste for adjectives!ùand the lime is a nice touch, not overdone, doesnÆt mess up the flow or the style. Well done indeed, and with very, very few errors. The dialogue of this piece really sparkles, as does the inner-monologue view. The characters are simple but strong, and the execution is damn near perfect. A very nice dish.

Readability: 19
Theme: 17
Details: 20
Plot: 16
Opinion: 19
Total: 91



Murphy Was A Grunt, by Rooster455

Obviously a very well-researched piece. Much like A Neverending Waltz, this dish draws at the emotions by way of adrenaline, and it does a great job. The nod to MurphyÆs Law was perfect for the situation., though to be honest, all the military vocabulary made it a little hard to read. We do, however, see the æmany linesÆ approach to pace regulation done very well, refreshing. What really sets this dish apart is that, for once, Plan B was not the last resort or the second attemptà it was, simply, the plan that worked.

Readability: 19
Theme: 20
Details: 20 (Whether they were understandable to a æcivvieÆ or not.)
Plot: 20
Opinion: 19
Total: 97



Seduction, by Twin Blade

Ah, another spicy comedy. This one with very few details, though. The dialogue is nicely done, with a good rhythm and an exceptional sound when read. Plan BÆs role in the story was an unexpectedly distinct one, considering that it didnÆt really work at all, but gave way to Plan C. Between the characters is a relationship that the chef would have done well to build upon, and the story could definitely be fleshed out and made better. All the same, fun, rough and entertaining, albeit very brief.

Readability: 17
Theme: 19
Details: 12
Plot: 19
Opinion: 18
Total: 85



So, bottom line:

AJT: 91
Mega: 85
Dartz: 90
Kay: 91
455: 97
TB: 85
 

Kayeich

Well-Known Member
#32
Wata, I think you need to give judges a 4 hour time limit to judge or something. :)

*tosses an oversized chocolate chip cookie to Halibel and 1/6th of an oversized oatmeal cookie to LS*
 

Left Shoe

Well-Known Member
#33
*Left Shoeáis crushed by the piece of the oversized cookie while in the middle of scoring the rest.

*Left Shoeáprobably won't be able to put up scores now. Thanks a lot. :p
 

Watashiwa

Administrator
Staff member
#34
Kayeich said:
Wata, I think you need to give judges a 4 hour time limit to judge or something. :)

*tosses an oversized chocolate chip cookie to Halibel and 1/6th of an oversized oatmeal cookie to LS*
No, because not all of my judges live in the states, and a fair number of them have active weekend lives and wouldn't be around.

I have considered it more than once though, let me tell you. :rolleyes:
 

Kayeich

Well-Known Member
#36
Left Shoe said:
*Left Shoeáis crushed by the piece of the oversized cookie while in the middle of scoring the rest.

*Left Shoeáprobably won't be able to put up scores now. Thanks a lot. :p
1/6th of an oversized cookie! Not a whole oversized cookie like Halibel got!

I see you put up two more scores though, so have another third of your cookie!
 

Left Shoe

Well-Known Member
#37
*Left ShoeáWha- mmmmmmph mmmmmmf Khhch! MMMMMMMMMFFFFFFF!!!!
 

Halibel Lecter

Well-Known Member
#38
*Halibel Lecter?prods Left Shoe gently. "You okay? Can I eat your soul if you're not?"
 

Left Shoe

Well-Known Member
#39
*Left Shoeápulls off a chunk of cookie and throws it at Halibel
 

Halibel Lecter

Well-Known Member
#40
*Halibel Lecter?dodges. "Well that wasn't very sportsmanlike of you; maybe I should eat your soul anyway."
 

Megaolix

Well-Known Member
#45
*look at scores and comments*

Gurk. That's what I get for trying to write a fic when I really should have been doing something else. Pretty much a sign for me to only participate in IF when I have nothing else to do and hit by an amazing idea for something short (instead of something long with holes like I just did).
 

Rooster455

Well-Known Member
#46
@Left Shoe: Yeah, El-Tee (LT) is short for Lieutenant. Kind of like how Sergeant is 'Sarge'.

The JSF (Joint Strike Force) is, in the EndWar universe, an elite group of soldiers comprised of the USA elite, SEALS, Rainbow, Delta, Rangers, and more. The elite, and those are just the standard infantry of the JSF.

As for the mentioning Murphy's Law before the exercise, Murphy's Law isn't like knocking on wood, you say it, therefore it happens. It's more of a warning, be prepared for the worst, because the worst has a tendancy of happening at the most inopportune moment. Sometimes the best you can do is simply be ready to react in case anything happens.
 

Kayeich

Well-Known Member
#47
...Left Shoe was doing his judging in order, and skipped mine to go to Rooster's. I must now begin to cry. :blue:

*eats the remaining half of Left Shoe's oversized oatmeal cookie*
 

Left Shoe

Well-Known Member
#49
*Left Shoeálooks back to see that none of the other remaining judges have shown up

Wow. And I thought I was being slow on purpose. EDIT: [/sarcasm]

*Left Shoeáthrows another piece of cookie at Halibel, and one at Kayeich
 

Kayeich

Well-Known Member
#50
* K.H. munches on the cookie.

The other judges are obviously waiting until around 7am on saturday, so they can sneak their scores in right under the wire.
 
Top