Iron Fic 5-2: Riotous Uprising

Watashiwa

Administrator
Staff member
#1
Iron Fic 5-2: Riotous Uprising

With due respect to the madness engulfing Turkey right now.

The government having failed to address the grievances of the citizenry, people take to the streets in protest. At first it is peaceful, slogans are called out and signs are painted, parents bring their children to watch or to march. Then something changes--a rock is thrown, or a dispute breaks out, or a nervous policeman lashes out. With a single scream that turns into a shout of rage when echoed a hundredfold, rioting breaks out.

Your job is to write about a riot. How did it come about? Does the riot draw attention to the issues of the original protest, or does it distract? Perhaps there's something dark about the riot: an instigator, or a conspiracy.

Please note: this topic is going to be hard to write metaphorically. You do so at your own risk!

The challenge is made, who will be this week's IRON FIC champion?

 

biigoh

Well-Known Member
#2
First entry~

[Dragonball Z] Monkey Riot - http://thefanfictionforum.net/showthread.php?tid=19830
 

violinmana

(Hardcore) Gamer
#3
[Children of the New Era] Soldier of the S-Class

http://thefanfictionforum.net/showthread.php?tid=19832
 

biigoh

Well-Known Member
#4
Because I was bored... have another short fic... because Haiku aren't appropriate as a story medium.

http://thefanfictionforum.net/showthread.php?tid=19833 After the end...
 

Schema

Well-Known Member
#5
There once was a man named El Pucket.
He lived in an old worn down Bucket.
They taxed his wet shoes,
and whiskey and blues,
So he decided Ah, Fuck it.
and up in flames went Nantucket.
 

frostdragonz

Well-Known Member
#6
That's mine.

http://thefanfictionforum.net/showthread.php?tid=19834
 

biigoh

Well-Known Member
#9
7 entries this time... a new wave for Iron Fic?
 

Latewave

Well-Known Member
#12
Wave is a judge. Grading will be later when head isn't a nail.

Hating all things.
 

Ninsaneja

Well-Known Member
#13
I'm seeing that Glimmervoid, HH, and Byakuryuu are all slightly late. Can I get a ruling on that before I submit final scores?
 

Glimmervoid

Well-Known Member
#14
Ninsaneja said:
I'm seeing that Glimmervoid, HH, and Byakuryuu are all slightly late. Can I get a ruling on that before I submit final scores?
Late? My fic says 'Today, 11:00 PM (This post was last modified: Today 11:00 PM by Glimmervoid.)' That's exactly on time.

EDIT: My time zone is GMT+1 so 11:00 PM corresponds to 3:00 PM Pacific Standard Time.
 

Shirotsume

Not The Goddamn @dmin
#15
Hrm. I thought this had already been over this morning when I looked at it.

Mind including the current time in different timezones when you post the start?
 

Ninsaneja

Well-Known Member
#16
Glimmer, I'm seeing you as two minutes late, but I will give you the benefit of the doubt.

The other entries are unquestionably at least a minute late, however.

EDIT: Me dumb. Your fic was posted on time, you linked it 2 minutes late.
That's definitely on time.
I checked the other ones and they are late.
 

Watashiwa

Administrator
Staff member
#17
Shirotsume said:
Hrm. I thought this had already been over this morning when I looked at it.

Mind including the current time in different timezones when you post the start?
Dude, you were on the chat when I logged on this morning, I even said "whew, perfect timing!" and posted a link. >.>

Anyway, IF 5-2's judging period is now open! If you'd like to submit a story, best do it while judges are, well, judging! There will be a penalty of four points, which will increase by 2 as the hours tick by. Best get in while the getting is good!
 

seitora

Well-Known Member
#18
Half of you guys in the chat dont even pay attention to the chat lol.
 

Ninsaneja

Well-Known Member
#19
Preface:
Biigoh, the reason a Haiku will have a hard time winning is that you can't have much of a meaningful story in one, at least in my opinion. It's a valid submission, though.
I graded it but I'm not posting the grade unless Wata twists my arm - I'm considering your much better second submission as your real submission. Your first submission got a 66/100.
I appreciate that you decided to participate with full seriousness after all.
Also, aside from Bii's sarcastic haiku, I enjoyed everyone's stories for the most part.


Violinmana – Children of the New Era – Soldier of the S-Class
Writing Proficiency: 19/20
I noticed some things wrong, but then you used the word upheaved.
Bonus points.
Even microsoft word thinks it's wrong.
I'm also attributing some of the errors to first person stylistic speech. However, you used the wrong conjugation of a word once or twice, which I can't ignore.

Theme (Riot): 19/20

Source (Children of the New Era): 20/20
I haven't read it, but you made it sound interesting enough.

Story: 17/20
More tell than show.

Other: 17/20
Repeated the idea that S-Class are too strong too many times.

Total: 92/100



Biigoh (Submission 2) – In the Mouth of Madness – After the End
Writing Proficiency: 20/20

Theme (Riot): 20/20
Edit: Moved point loss at wave's request.

Source (In the Mouth of Madness): 20/20

Story: 15/20
It's 100% metaphors. (-2)
I don't think anything happened. (-2)
I don't know why I should care about any of this description. (-2)
On the other hand, it's clearly meaningful in terms of the setting and the events which give it context.(+1)

Other: 16/20
And I wasn't a big fan of lovecraft, so zany metaphors about madness do not entertain me. (-3)
Fic did not have direct reference to the theme, resulting in confusion for me over whether it had it or was just using it as a buzzword to qualify (-1)

Total: 91/100


Frostdragonz – Type-Moon – The Heroic Riot
Writing Proficiency: 12/20
Odd (inconsistent) sentence structure
Extra period
Missing comma
Missing question marks
Your/You're mixup

Theme (Riot): 18/20
It's more of a protest

Source (Type-Moon): 16/20
Goofy and crackish interpretation of the characters

Story: 15/20
I understand the idea of the fic as a crackfic, but it doesn't manage to make me laugh. Sorry. I will exercise my funny bone in the future.

Other: 18/20
Multiple instances of scene cut “Time Passes...”

Total: 79/100
To be honest, I graded you a little harder than my initial impulse because your story is not as good as last week's “81's.” By a little bit at least. That's only a few points though. Work on your technical aspects of writing and you'll do much better!


Seitora – Death Note – All the World's a Stage
Writing Proficiency: 17/20
Odd Space before comma
Missing pluralization

Theme (Riot): 18/20
It's revolution! That's good enough for me.

Source (Death Note): 20/20
I don't even like Death Note, but you kept it interesting enough. And from what little I understand, this fic managed to capture the reason for Kira's transformation from murderer to engineer of war.

Story: 19/20
Drags at points. Otherwise, delicious.

Other: 20/20

Total: 94/100
Seitora did not offer me five dollars for top score. Actually, it's because the one place where I could possibly deduct any more points (source) is out of my knowledge for the most part.
I'm being generous to fandoms that I don't like or understand in that section.


Glimmervoid – Dresden Files – Rome in Summer
Writing Proficiency: 17/20
Missing commas. When making an aside, like so, there is a comma both before and after.
More missing commas. Attributing most of them to style.
Incorrect conjugation

Theme (Riot): 18/20
A very literal riot. However, it's kind of peripheral to the story.

Source (Dresden Files): 20/20

Story: 18/20
At least mildly engaging, with a nice twist/joke ending.

Other: 18/20
I don't like your main character's attitude.

Total: 91/100


Hardcore Heathen – Harry Potter – The Perfect Impersonation
Writing Proficiency: 20/20
I chalked a few questionable flaws up to style.

Theme (Riot): 14/20
Implied by the ending, but the focus of the story is on a drinking contest and it doesn't feel like a riot at all.

Source (Harry Potter): 20/20
I'll let you get away with a lot of shit.

Story: 18/20
Story feels like it does not know which direction it wants to go off and vomit in.

Other: 17(19)/20
Sorry HH. It's late. By a nose. (-2)

Total: 89/100
I think that with the time you had, this style of fic was a decent way to go. However, you might have wanted to game the system and work on in for another 15 minutes or so :p.


Byakuryuu – Megaman X – Libero
Writing Proficiency: 15/20
While I like a good ; as much as the next guy, you definitely went beyond the scope of the mark.
Oh god they're everywhere.
Everywhere
I see ; when I close my eyes.
Redundant contraction (the enemy'd had hit)
I did not individually penalize all the semi-colons. They're not fully incorrect, it's just terrible style to use them when a less complicated punctuation mark is equally proper. Basically, try to use them only when you can't replace them with another punctuation mark without losing any meaning.

Theme (Riot): 19/20

Source (Megaman X): 20/20
I was going to lower your points when I thought it was X in first person.
Once I knew it was Vile, I mourned the fact that I have only twenty points to give you in this section.

Story: 19/20
Needs better hook/opening.

Other: 18(20)/20
Late (-2)

Total: 91/100
I love your story here. If you hadn't been late and had used a few less semi-colons, this could easily have been a 97. Please contribute again next week.
 

Shirotsume

Not The Goddamn @dmin
#20
Watashiwa said:
Shirotsume said:
Hrm. I thought this had already been over this morning when I looked at it.

Mind including the current time in different timezones when you post the start?
Dude, you were on the chat when I logged on this morning, I even said "whew, perfect timing!" and posted a link. >.>

Anyway, IF 5-2's judging period is now open! If you'd like to submit a story, best do it while judges are, well, judging! There will be a penalty of four points, which will increase by 2 as the hours tick by. Best get in while the getting is good!
Just because I change from Shiro_away to Shirotsume doesn't mean I'm actually looking at chat- just that I have a single client connected. In this case, I turned my computer on and then went and cooked breakfast.
 

Ninsaneja

Well-Known Member
#21
Shiro, it's 2:00 pm eastern every time.
 

Shirotsume

Not The Goddamn @dmin
#22
Yes, I'm aware of this. Posting timezones wouldn't hurt though for those that aren't on EST/EDT.
 

Ninsaneja

Well-Known Member
#24
I apologize for sounding condescending. I didn't meant to.
 

Schema

Well-Known Member
#25
Real Entry In a thread now:

http://thefanfictionforum.net/showthread.php?tid=19840
 
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