[LH] Kendo Princess, Perverted Knight

MnemoD

Well-Known Member
#1
"Lady Aoyama, can I hold the baby?"

"Keitaro! I don't think -"

"Yes, you may. Would you like me to show you how?"

"Yes!"

"Here... Like this."

"She's so pretty... What's her name?"

"Motoko."

"Motoko... She's so pretty! She's a princess, right?"

"Of course."

"Good. Motoko... I'm gonna marry her someday!"

"KEITARO!"

"He he~! Make her a beautiful and happy queen, Keitaro."

"I will. I promise!"

-------------------l----------l--------/------l--------/----

Keitaro Urashima had spent most of his life chasing a dream. Whether it was one or another, it was something that defined his character straight to the core. From his desperate attempts to make a happy ending with the girl of his dreams to his desire to never hurt someone. It was arguably his best and most outstanding trait.

So, it should come as little surprise that Keitaro clung like a madman to the beliefs instilled in him despite how over time his memory of such things became foggy. However, things had changed in this world, even if only slightly. Where once he remembered the face of a young brunette girl whom he would never truly know the real identity of, here things had happened differently.

This was why that young man, Keitaro, was now gazing up at the Hinata House, smiling in remembrance even as he stepped inside. Not because of the memories he had made in another world, but the ones he had made here. With consequences and benefits all of their own, this was yet another chapter in the story of Keitaro.

-----------------l---/----/----/---l—l----l---------------l---------/----l

“Hello!” Keitaro called out, settling his bags aside and removing his shoes as he entered the living room of the large place. “Granny Hina? Motoko?” He looked at the world through his glasses, confused why the place wasn’t far busier. It can’t be that it had gone out of business, can it? He thought to himself, trying to come to terms with the possibility that maybe he’d gotten the wrong address. Just as he was considering leaving, a noise caught his attention. He turned, not expecting what he found.

"Oh, hello. It's nice to meet you, um..." Keitaro looked quietly at the young looking blue haired girl, somewhat surprised that the girl was working here, from the sight of her carrying a basket of laundry that she sat down after fumbling it, just barely keeping it in her hands. The girl's eyes seemed a bit wide, like a doe heading straight into an oncoming semi-truck, it almost felt to Keitaro like he'd scared the daylights out of her just saying hello.

"U-m-hello. I'm Shinobu," She paused, looking from side to side and Keitaro -really- felt like he'd scared her at this point, deciding the sooner he spoke up why he was here the sooner she'd calm down, so he decided to interrupt her before she got too spooked to carry on a conversation.

"Shinobu, would you happen to know where Hina Urashima or Motoko Aoyama would be at this time? I've been looking for them for the past few minutes but you're the first person I've run into." Keitaro explained, and seeing the girl visibly relax eased the burden on his shoulders. I definitely don't want her to scream or start crying. That'd look -really- bad! He thought with a grimace before listening to the girl's reply.

"Oh! Grandma Hina left yesterday on a trip around the world-" Keitaro's shoulders slumped, wondering why she'd sent that letter to him saying to come here in such a rush if she was leaving! "And Motoko is... I think she's running an errand in town, she should be back soon." Keitaro perked up; happy at least that he'd get to see Motoko after so long. I bet she's even cuter than before! Keitaro felt himself smiling, and he was glad it didn't seem to bother Shinobu.

"Do you mind if I stay here for a little while and wait for her? I've been waiting a long time to see her, even if Granny isn't here." Keitaro said, which brought Shinobu's eyes back to him away from where she had been looking aside, face softly pink. Huh, I must've given her a fright after all, she looks a bit flushed. The brunette male thought to himself, when a noise from behind caught his attention and despite Shinobu's gasp of warning, he turned around.

---l-------/---l---/---------------l----l----/

It's not my day. Keitaro thought to himself, firm in the belief that things had completely gone down the drain when he'd turned away from talking to Shinobu and discovered a brunette in a towel that really had no business calling itself more than a wash cloth. That had led to a nosebleed, which had led to Shinobu screaming from the blood on his face, which had led to the brunette girl getting angry. And apparently, angry women could punch holes in rocks. Or at least wooden pillars. He thought to himself, having been metaphorically dragged halfway around the inn in the chase and had made an utter fool of himself in front of the rest of the girls residing there until Naru, the brunette in question, had finally cornered him back in the living room thanks to his poorly timed dodging of a few missiles from what looked to be a miniature tank.

A TANK!

As the brunette girl advanced on him, having at some point gotten dressed, he heard rather than saw the door behind him open. "Motoko! You're just in time! This pervert was scaring Shinobu and peeping on me!" Keitaro didn't even register the remainder of the girl's sentence, hearing only the first part and turning. And then he stopped, utterly even while Shinobu spoke gently, "He didn't scare me..."

Keitaro had forgotten something very important, you see. People don't remain children forever, especially girls nearing the age of majority. And while Motoko still had time, she'd nonetheless started the road to womanhood. And Keitaro hadn't known that, thus he was quite surprised with what he saw when he finally laid eyes on the girl.

Gob smacked when the only girl who walked in and had been addressed as Motoko wasn't a cute little girl with an overly elegant hairstyle, but instead a young woman taller than he was and very pretty to boot. At her waist was a sheathed blade that her hand instinctively seemed to reach for, words leaving her mouth but he didn't even register them. His memories laid over her image, a young girl maybe a quarter her new height, with hair longer and more lustrous but still in that very traditional hime style cut in that ever dark shade of ebony black. He even recognized the training outfit, a hakama and gi top in the traditional colors of miko, priestesses.

"Wow, Motoko... You've grown so beautiful!" He failed to recognize the shift in her expression, or the sudden explosion of tension from the other girls. All he saw was this girl whom he'd wanted to see for so long, in front of him, and she'd grown. No longer was she the little girl whom he tried hard to protect and encourage, but instead the vision of her sister being repeated but modified by her own individuality. Slowly her expression worked through cautious, to confused, slowly to dawning realization.

"Keitaro?" Motoko spoke finally, her hands carefully setting her sword aside as a smile bloomed on her face, and it seemed almost like the other girls had all simultaneously swallowed an entire loaf of bread and couldn't get it out. "Keitaro! It's so good to see you!" The dark haired girl walked toward the young man and stopped at arm's reach, and Keitaro hesitated to get closer for fear of ruining the moment. And that was when the awkwardness came about, Motoko was looking at him, he was looking at Motoko, and the remainder of the girls didn’t know –who- to look at.

He started to speak up when another voice interrupted him. "Well, that's cute," Haruka Urashima said wryly, holding an envelope at her waist with a cigarette hanging limply from her mouth as she stood in the nearby door, "Sorry to interrupt, but I just got an interesting fax. And it has something to do with you, Keitaro, so why don't you go ahead and have a seat with the girls?"

"Okay, Aunt Haru-OWW!"

"That's just Haruka from you, Fabio."

------l---------/-------l------/----l----------/----------l


"So the gist of it is that Granny left the dorm to you, Keitaro, provided you stay and manage the place." Haruka explained, after explaining Hina's (vacation) departing wish. "So-"

"What?! Why would Granny do something like that, putting a guy in charge of a dormitory for -young women-?!" The brunette from earlier, whom he had come to learn was named Naru Narusegawa when Haruka had made them all introduce one another, spoke up. She has a good point. Keitaro thought to himself, not willing to risk turning her ire's flame directly unto himself instead of at the general concept of him being here yet. Haruka menaced Naru with her harisen, giving her a flat glare that sent the younger brunette's rear back upon her seat faster than even Keitaro had seen her stand up. I have got to get Haruka to teach me how to do that!

"SO! While the girl's opinion is important, and yours is too, but that's just what Granny wanted. So, since Naru jumped the gun and declared her thoughts, let's see what everyone thinks. You don't mind if the girls go first, do you, Keitaro?" After Keitaro shook his head no, she looked at those gathered, waiting for someone to speak up. Naru was almost the first up again, but Shinobu steeled herself and spoke first.

"I don't mind if Keitaro stays..! I mean, it'll be nice to have someone tohelpkeeptheplacerunningwelland-" And then it devolved when everyone's attention turned to her, and she steadily lost steam, settling back down after stuttering out her piece of mind. She's a bit of a wallflower, isn't she? Keitaro thought to himself, resolving that if he stayed he'd try his best to be Shinobu's friend. The blue haired girl seemed to have a real issue with attention, and yet he couldn’t understand why. The girl was cute, and spoke well when she didn’t stutter or race through speech. Next was Suu, a dark skinned blonde girl whom had made those TANKS!

"He's fun! Let's keep him!" Apparently a girl of few words, but boundless energy, Keitaro worried for his safety at the miles-wide grin the girl bore as she spoke. Keitaro had to puzzle somewhat at her, still. Naru finally spoke up next.

"He's a male, so obviously he shouldn't be here!" Keitaro could at least understand her reasoning, even if the way she'd said it just now was a little bit inelegant. Kitsune, a blonde curvacious woman whom he'd guessed wasn't from around here due to her different dialect, was interrupted by Motoko before she could speak.

"As long as Keitaro will abide by the wishes of the tenants, I don't mind if he takes over as manager of the dormitory." At Naru and Kitsune's questioning look, Motoko backpedaled (almost literally), "But he'll have to be mindful of the fact he's not allowed to take his lustful urges out on anyone!" Everyone missed the telltale blush and the movement of her lips beyond that as she sat down in a huff. It's a good thing they don't look to be examining that... Keitaro thought to himself, not wanting to call attention to how inappropriate what Motoko had just said sounded. Kitsune spoke next, even as her eyes drifted from Motoko’s somewhat shirking form to Keitaro and Haruka.

"Well, he is Granny's favorite, and it'll be nice to not have to bother Haruka to fix things. I think we can let him stay, right, Naru?" She asked of her brunette friend, who sighed, feeling herself outmatched in this particular debate and the girl nodded, if grudgingly. She doesn’t like me at all. Keitaro feared of Naru. Haruka nodded, speaking up at last.

"Then why don't we give Keitaro a big Hina welcome? On three-"

"WELCOME KEITARO~!" Keitaro smiled, watching Haruka get annoyed with the residents’ over eagerness and the group's general frivolity. While he doubted he'd be a part of that for a little while, he felt like it would be nice to one day be able to join in such a celebration. A new place, new faces... even on someone I expected to be the same. His eyes rested on Motoko's barely smiling lips, but he'd known her long enough that she thought of this place very fondly. Even if he hadn't seen her in so long, her habits seemed to have remained the same. Always playing the tough girl, Motoko. He thought to himself wryly, becoming awash in memories.

---l------/-l-------l----/----l-l-/-----------------------l

"Keitaro!" The ten-year-old boy turned, seeing a younger girl run up after him with her training outfit dirty from what she and Tsuruko had deemed as "play." Keitaro was just smart enough to know that it wasn't playing but some kind of training, but not enough to know -what- they were training for. "Wait for me. Sister said you were leaving tomorrow!" The boy smiled as the dark-haired girl paced to a stop in front of him.

"Yeah. I gotta go back to Mom and Dad. But I'll be back before you know it, and we'll be able to play again, us and Tsuruko, okay?" He said to her, leaning down to give her a hug, which the ebon-haired girl returned, lips painted in a thin line.

"Promise me." And he did, without skipping even the merest of beats.

But that was the last time he saw Motoko to this day, even though he kept in touch with her and Tsuruko through letters every so often, something had changed between the Urashima and the Aoyama. He never got to come spend time with the Aoyamas again, and even Tsuruko, with all of her mischief and zest for life, seemed to frown when he read her letters for a year or two after their last time seeing each other. And he'd never learned just what had set once friends at odds with another, for a time he had thought perhaps it had been his fault. And then those thoughts had simply faded with time, unlike his dedication to fulfilling that promise, one of many he'd made to Motoko even though he was only a ten year old boy.

And that was what had made him what he was today, a few simple promises.

----------l-------------/-----l-------/-------------l---/

There were many reasons Keitaro wasn't allowed to return to the Aoyama compound after he made that important promise. Amongst them could be said the hand of the Gods, fate, or even karma. However, the reason on this Earth was much different.

"Tsuruko, what are you even saying?" Masahide, husband of Chiharu Aoyama and father of the Aoyama sisters, asked of his eldest daughter, who sat before him in proper seiza. This room was a private place for him and his own blood family, but mostly he shared it with no one nowadays as time marched on and mortality became all too real. Masahide was a man of stature, having given up an ascetic life that had turned his body into a tool to preserve men's bodies and souls. Marriage had barely been a thought when he met Chiharu, never expecting to be one half of the vaunted heads of Shinmeiryu. And yet here he was, in his forty-fifth summer of life, one head of the acclaimed demon slaying sword school.

Tsuruko's face was the perfection of a mask, not even a twitch betrayed her intent nor did her words as she spoke, "I do not love him, and thus I do not wish to marry him." It was an explanation, not an option for debate. Tsuruko talked like she wielded the blade, Masahide thought to himself, without mercy and deadlier than a pit of snakes, scorpions, and spiders. Her mother and little sister in comparison were gentle flowers, and it scared Masahide how proud of his firstborn he was. Only just a teen and already she could devastate an opponent no matter the arena. Pride goeth before the fall, the man thought privately to himself. And he was so right it hurt his very spirit.

"Then, my daughter, who do you love?" He asked, hoping to meet his daughter's expectations of love and meet the needs of his lineage, sickness would take him within the next two years, even if he did not yet know it. Merely had the inkling of someone who understood all too well a spiritual lifestyle, that his soul was readying to leave to its destination. He would have lived a full life according to his friends, but he felt incomplete, a vessel without something inside of it of value.

"Keitaro."

With one word, Tsuruko had changed the world; she'd broken a life line between the Urashima-ryu and the Shinmeiryu school. That was why the two families never met again, because in his age Masahide had never understood love, only been swept up in it with a woman he still was growing to know when his life faded from his brown eyes, and while he'd one day apologized for his reaction, Masahide had gone to his God without a regret.

Tsuruko had decided, in the way teenagers do, that if she could not have him for herself, then the only one she would allow to have him was her younger sister, whom Keitaro doted on and spent as much time with as he did with the older girl. It had only made sense at the time, and thus she had never questioned that rationale even until she sat quietly in contemplation many years later, watching her sister leave for Tokyo when their mother had finally succumbed to her own broken heart and shared the fate of her love, like lovebirds are wont to do. With Tsuruko being unwed and the older and more accomplished sibling, control of the dojo had gone to her, whereas Motoko was free to live as she chose.

“One day, I’ll take the dojo back from you, and you’ll be able to find happiness again.” Motoko had promised, but Tsuruko could only shake her head, feeling utterly that unadulterated irony was gripping at her heart. It is you whom I wish to find happiness for. She thought, even as she pictured the young face of her love, which she’d decided to set free as best she could. And instead, Tsuruko smiled despite the pain in her heart, waving good bye to her sister as she left, both broken hearted from their loss.

-/------l------/----l-/-l-------------------------/

"Hey! Keitaro! Can you clean the hot springs, please?" Naru tapped the divider going into the manager's office, she'd been working Keitaro hard, even if the dorm looked spotless and well maintained she always had something for him to do. While tired, the landlord couldn't help but enjoy the menial tasks. Working hard was something Keitaro had never had a problem doing, but he definitely had a limit, and the brunette was reaching it quickly!

"Huh? Sure, Naru. I'll head down there in a minute." Keitaro replied, looking up from his text booklet and a tray of rice balls that Shinobu had made him as a snack. Good one, too. They have that raspberry jam in the middle! He crooned mentally, feelings tears well in his eyes at the flavor. Naru raised a brow at his pleased expression, before stomping off with a few final words.

"Fine, but hurry it up." Going up the stairs, Naru ran into Motoko, who seemed fresh from practice atop the dorm's roof. It's about time I got some answers, Naru thought to herself, "Motoko, can I talk to you in my room?"

"Of course, Naru." The kendo student said, following along after the elder girl.

------l------------/---------l-----------l--/-------l

"What do you really know about that guy Keitaro?" Naru didn't really wait long to start her pseudo-interrogation, having gotten into her room and sat down while Motoko did the same before launching that question off. Even though Naru looked at ease, she had questions running through her head that needed answers, and Naru was passionate about almost everything, it was just her nature.
Motoko's face remained impassive, though the amount of time Naru had known the girl showed her bewilderment, a slight upturn of the eyebrow, the thin line that was her lips now quirked towards the center under her nose, trying to decide between proverbial fight or flight from the sudden inquiry.

"I've known him almost as long as I've been alive," Motoko admitted, and even though it was an answer to her question, Naru understood innately that what she'd -wanted- answered had been cast aside out of turn; it was clever of the ebony haired girl. Naru actually had to rein in her temper to not be offended; it wasn't like the kendo student to answer her so vaguely!

"From when? I mean, you seem really close, and the way you treat other men, it's really weird to see you act this way." Naru said, trying to spin it as if she was concerned, which she was! Keitaro was a new piece of their life, and Naru didn't know what to make of him yet beyond what presence he'd made so far, which had been one of a slippery-footed and perverted idiot whose major benefit was that he worked hard. She admired that at least about him, not to be mean, but there were lots of risks associated with men!

Motoko's jaw tightened, and it looked like she wouldn't answer at all save for storming out before she softened visibly, relenting. And she told Naru their mingled story. Motoko’s voice was even, but Naru’s experience with the girl showed the emotion underneath. Motoko liked to portray the cool and collected mature girl, but she still held too much rashness and excitement in her to be what she desired.

"Keitaro and his family were in Kyoto on business with my family when my mother fell into labor, and gave birth to me. I only heard this from my sister, but apparently Keitaro promised to marry me and since then he would spend time at the compound with me and my sister." Motoko's mood darkened and it only occurred to Naru because the air around them suddenly felt colder, like Motoko's emotions were draining the air of warmth. "Then, one year, my father forbade him from returning, and both his parents and mine stopped speaking to one another." But here she paused; the samurai girl looked like she'd said too much. Naru's face had shaped slowly throughout the story, from surprise at the promise of marriage, then smiling bemusement at the thought of young love. Motoko's own darkening mood had triggered a similar expression on her face, mirrored out of empathy more than out of her own feelings.

"Why?" Naru finally asked, unsure of if she would like or even receive an answer. Motoko looked off to the side, as if seeing a specter in the past (or so Naru's overly romantic mind liked to think.)

"I do not know, but my sister looked to be in utter agony for quite a while." Naru wasn't sure -what- to make of that, it implied things that shot a shiver down her spine, but she didn't want to believe Keitaro himself had done something, because Motoko seemed to still like him a lot, and he didn't seem the kind to -hurt- someone. "For a while Father wouldn't even let us exchange letters, but then he fell ill and we took the chance to pass them along through our mother, whom would give us his in turn."

"And you haven't seen him since when until the day he came?" Naru asked, wondering quite deeply about the answer to that question. To have been so young, it can't have been before she was a teen, Keitaro -still- seems surprised when he looks at Motoko. Naru reasoned, even if the logic could be called flawed, the girl thought herself very smart.

"It will have been nine years soon." Motoko's cool answer raised Naru's hackles, Nine years! She was a kid! This revelation brought an air of both confusion and horror to her face. How does she even remember, let alone why does she like him so much? The brunette puzzled, unable to help as she entered her thinking position, grabbing a nearby pencil and beginning to chew on the eraser as she thought about it, when Motoko raised a brow at her, and Naru realized now wasn't the time to give in to her habits.

"Thank you for talking to me, Motoko. I'm sorry if I seem nosy, I just don't want anything bad to happen." Naru smiled at the ebon haired girl, who nodded before responding herself. "It's alright, Naru. If it were anyone but Keitaro, I would be similarly paranoid. But I trust Keitaro, and he's never betrayed me with that trust." Motoko stressed, eyes closing and looking the picture of serenity as she left Naru alone to think.
And think the brunette would, contemplating for quite some time why Motoko would still be so attached to this man after nine years, let alone what could have happened to separate people who were obviously at some point very good friends.

---l--/---l--/----ll------/---

"Keitaro." The aforementioned male looked up from his work scrubbing the spring's bathing area, seeing Motoko approach with her practice sword draped across her shoulder, reminding him of a yakuza thug in a television show. Heh, better not say anything about it, or she'll cream me! He had a private laugh, hoping the smile he wore looked friendly instead of amused.

"Yes, Motoko? Can I help you?" Keitaro asked, looking quietly to the younger Aoyama sister. Motoko visibly twitched, a soft pink decorating her cheeks at his smile. It's been so long, Motoko mused, Since I've seen that smile directed at me, and to hear his voice. He's grown as I have; I wonder what he thinks of me now. "Would you like to join me on the rooftop? It's been quite some time since we practiced together." The ebon-haired girl offered.

"Huh?" Keitaro paused, noting Motoko's sudden coloring, though dismissing it simply as the warmth from the springs nearby. "Uh, sure, but I don't have a sword." He reached up, rubbing at the back of his head, feeling shamed at not being able to participate, until Motoko held out the wooden sword. Keitaro’s eyes widened, while he didn’t understand much of samurai or even kendo culture, he understood that a gift like this wasn’t given every day.

"This one is for you, I'll go get mine and meet you on the roof, okay?" At Keitaro's assent, the two went to meet, never noticing the eyes in the shadows of the changing room, narrowed into slits. And somewhere on the grounds, ghosts of ancestors smiled in bemusement, feeling the changing winds as an omen of good tidings.

__________________________________________________________________


Chapter 1 COMPREEEET!
 
#2
I like this story. It appeals to my inner KeitaroxMotoko shipper. Hope for some more fluff beteeen Keitaro and Motoko.

Edit: sorry for the blank review. My internet and labtop where being difficulty.
 

MnemoD

Well-Known Member
#3
Chapter 2 HAJIME

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I don't know what I was thinking accepting her offer. Keitaro whined mentally, feeling bruises building on his bruises on the rooftop of the dormitory, but looking up and seeing Motoko's expression of poorly hidden glee, he realized it was worth it. "I haven't had someone else to practice with in awhile," Motoko admitted, turning her bokken back into a reverse grip and offering a hand to the downed Keitaro. Taking her hand and working himself to his feet, he smiled in return to the ebon-haired girl, who flushed. "I'm glad I could help, Motoko. Believe me, it certainly makes me feel good." If you ignore the fact I think I'm gonna have battle scars. The brunette male confirmed this with a wince, and Motoko's expression of joy softened into one of concern.

"Did I go too rough on you?" She asked, and Keitaro shook his head, not wanting to worry the girl. "Nah, I'm just not as tough as I used to be." Which earned a giggle from the girl, and he couldn't help but smile himself. Ever since he'd come to see Motoko he'd been delving into his memories more and more often. Whereas before he'd felt like a log on a raging river, now he felt almost at peace. Well, if you ignored the fact that the log was being chewed on by beavers anyway. Motoko's voice brought him out of his contemplation, "Well, come on, Keitaro. Shinobu should be done with dinner here soon." Keitaro felt more than heard his stomach flip flop around in joy. It should be illegal for a girl her age to be able to cook so well. The male mused, grinning as his eyes settled on Motoko's retreating form as she moved down back into the dorm. "Wait for me!"

He couldn't see her face, or the small smile that'd filled her face, illuminating her features.

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"Hey Naru, isn't the entry exams for Tokyo U coming up again soon?" Kitsune asked at dinner, which made Keitaro freeze. Oh shit, it is, isn't it?! Mentally fretting at this point, he missed the remainder of the conversation. "Yeah, it's this Friday, I think. I'm sure to get in this time." Naru responded idly, chewing on a piece of meat from dinner.

"Ah, yeah, we believe in you!"
 

EagleCeres

Well-Known Member
#4
Glad to see you going forward with this idea. Just a quick few nitpicks.

* I can see where (and why) Motoko would be more lenient on Kei and be fond of him (even with his accident prone nature), make sure that when following/backing up Naru, she might try to show Kei in a better light.

>>"But he'll have to be mindful of the fact he's not allowed to take his lustful urges out on anyone!"
While this line can be used playfully, Motoko's usually stern nature might make him sound like he's an aggressor.
I would reword the second part of that line to match the type of relationship Motoko has with him, more in line with "he isn't the type to take advantage of anyone"

* Remember to show, don't tell: be descriptive with your scenes, show us how the characters go about their actions, instead of telling us "who's doing what in the where now".

* Getting into character: you earlier set a good example with Kei, not letting Shinobu freak out... that can go a long way (both for relationship building and creating missunderstandings). Just be careful when you develop the characters, that you don't toss out all that progress for the sake laughs or "sudden amnesia" plot holes.

* Flashbacks: good in small, measured doses.


Ultimately, it's your idea, your show... let the muse take you as far as she can and keep those fingers clicking on the keyboard as much as you can.
 

Antimatter

Well-Known Member
#5
Should there be robotic turtles at this point, given Tama-chan doesn't show up to inspire Su until after they meet Mutsumi?
 

MnemoD

Well-Known Member
#6
Updated.

Glad to see you going forward with this idea. Just a quick few nitpicks.

* I can see where (and why) Motoko would be more lenient on Kei and be fond of him (even with his accident prone nature), make sure that when following/backing up Naru, she might try to show Kei in a better light.
Noted.

>>"But he'll have to be mindful of the fact he's not allowed to take his lustful urges out on anyone!"
While this line can be used playfully, Motoko's usually stern nature might make him sound like he's an aggressor.
I would reword the second part of that line to match the type of relationship Motoko has with him, more in line with "he isn't the type to take advantage of anyone"
Edited for humor.

* Remember to show, don't tell: be descriptive with your scenes, show us how the characters go about their actions, instead of telling us "who's doing what in the where now".
It's all kind of a primary draft, if I even get anywhere with the story. I'll definitely go through and revise like four times before I'm satisfied with the story as a whole.

* Getting into character: you earlier set a good example with Kei, not letting Shinobu freak out... that can go a long way (both for relationship building and creating missunderstandings). Just be careful when you develop the characters, that you don't toss out all that progress for the sake laughs or "sudden amnesia" plot holes.

* Flashbacks: good in small, measured doses.

Ultimately, it's your idea, your show... let the muse take you as far as she can and keep those fingers clicking on the keyboard as much as you can.
Thanks for the tips and critique, and I hope you enjoy the new block of text as well.

@Antimatter: ... Robotic Turtles? . . .
 

Antimatter

Well-Known Member
#7
It's not my day. Keitaro thought to himself, firm in the belief that things had completely gone down the drain when he'd turned away from talking to Shinobu and discovered a brunette in a towel that really had no business calling itself more than a wash cloth. That had led to a nosebleed, which had led to Shinobu screaming from the blood on his face, which had led to the girl getting angry. And apparently, angry women could punch holes in rocks. Or at least wooden pillars. He thought to himself, having been metaphorically dragged halfway around the inn in the chase and had made an utter fool of himself in front of the rest of the girls residing there until Naru had finally cornered him back in the living room thanks to his poorly timed dodging of a few missiles from what looked to be a robotic turtle.
I don't think she build such things until Tama-chan was introduced, which isn't till much later. In the anime she used tanks, don't remember what she built in the manga.
 

MnemoD

Well-Known Member
#8
Antimatter said:
It's not my day. Keitaro thought to himself, firm in the belief that things had completely gone down the drain when he'd turned away from talking to Shinobu and discovered a brunette in a towel that really had no business calling itself more than a wash cloth. That had led to a nosebleed, which had led to Shinobu screaming from the blood on his face, which had led to the girl getting angry. And apparently, angry women could punch holes in rocks. Or at least wooden pillars. He thought to himself, having been metaphorically dragged halfway around the inn in the chase and had made an utter fool of himself in front of the rest of the girls residing there until Naru had finally cornered him back in the living room thanks to his poorly timed dodging of a few missiles from what looked to be a robotic turtle.
I don't think she build such things until Tama-chan was introduced, which isn't till much later. In the anime she used tanks, don't remember what she built in the manga.
You missed the point, but alright. Editing.
 

MnemoD

Well-Known Member
#9
Another slight edit, and a little bit tacked on to the end, will probably do more work on it tommorrow, hopefully closing out CH1 soon.
 

EagleCeres

Well-Known Member
#10
for some reason I expected :p
Motoko> "But he'll have to be mindful of the fact he's not allowed to slake his lustful urges out on anyone!" (but me!) *pause, mental image, blush, drool, blink, wipe drool, sit down before the girls notice*
Kitsune> *notices the blush but files it for future teasing fodder*

Also
That scene with the Aoyama parents is definetly bittersweet... well done.

>>But I trust Keitaro, and he's never let me down with that trust."
betrayed
 

MnemoD

Well-Known Member
#11
Chapter 1 finished, ready for proof-reading/editing in regards to lengthening it and MOVIN' RIGHT ALONG~
 

PCHeintz72

The Sentient Fanfic Search Engine mk II
#12
Couple really minor items:

Sister said you were leaving tommorrow!"

- tomorrow misspelled

Naru finally asked, unsure of if she would like or even recieve an answer.

- receive misspelled
 

Antimatter

Well-Known Member
#13
Going at a good pace thusfar, interested to see what caused the schism between the families, and what caused Motoko to carry a torch for him all these years.
 

MnemoD

Well-Known Member
#14
Newly finished CH1 reposted, feel free to proofread and enjoy slightly more attention to detail. A good 10 pages worth of chapter now.
 

EagleCeres

Well-Known Member
#15
Comments:
* how do you denote when a character is thinking?
do you use Italics? text in single quotes (')?

Recommendations:
>>>"Wow, Motoko... You're so beautiful!"...
better to really point out the wow factor on Kei's side

>>>"So the gist of it is that Granny Hina left the dorm to you,...
Quick reminder of "GRANNY'S decision, not yours" for the girls from Haruka... even if she's letting them express their feelings, they really shouldn't have say.

>>>And then it devolved to stuttering/mumbling when everyone's attention...
I think this needed a little clarification

>>>"He's a he, so obviously he shouldn't be here!"
He's a guy...

>>>Motoko stood before Kitsune, a blonde curvacious...
Would edit/move this line, too much information about Kitsune, when she it's actually Motoko up next.

>>>'She doesn’t like me at all.' Keitaro feared.
Who does Kei doesn't like him? Kitsune or Naru?

>>>"Then why don't we give Keitaro a big Hina welcome? On three-"
Might need a prior line to have Naru acquiesce/accept (under protest) the decision (which is not up to the Hina Girls anyway), specially since all the other girls voted Pro-Kei (Naru: "traitors!")

>>>"Hey! Keitaro! Can you clean the hot springs, please?"
Remember, she's still in her Kei hating days, she wont be as polite as the rest of the girls... no please and thank you to the perv "besides it's his job/obligation!" :p

>>>"I've known him almost as long as I've been alive,"
I've known him for as long as... or I've known him for the longest time.
This sets precedent to where she could come off as a childhood friend or where Naru might read between the lines as "I know him, don't bother" to even "mine! hands off!", which will confuse Naru; as you already stated "goes against character for Motoko" (for what Naru knows of Motoko being a man-hater).

>>>"Since when? I mean, you two seem really close, and considering the way you treat other men, it's really weird to see you act this way."
Naru wants specifics here, she's losing one of her most staunch and stalwart members in her anti-pervert brigade, to one of her perceived prime examples.
Also consider splitting the line (and placing the other part at mid/late/end paragraph) to give a little more pause for Naru to "explain herself" on her reasons to hate on Kei and express concern on Motoko's relationship with a man, "THE perv" in particular.

>>>Motoko's mood darkened and it only occurred to Naru because the air around them suddenly felt colder, like Motoko's emotions were draining the air of warmth.
Not sure if Naru would pick up on the "soul of ice" reference here, as she's not a trained martial artist.

>>>Naru's expressions had changed slowly throughout the story

>>>"And you haven't seen him since tnen, until the day he arrived here?"

>>>"It will have been nine years soon."
Consider "It has been almost nine years."
That's a lifetime for a person growing from childhood to their mid/late teens.


Food for Thought
* usage of -chan/-san
Kei tends to speak very politely to all people (keigo), it takes him a while to be on a first name basis with most of the Hina girls.
He'd call everyone name-san, with an exception for Kaolla or Shinobu as they are younger than him (-chan).
He'd might be debating to himself if should be more formal with Motoko (-san/-sama) as befitting of her station, and this could be a point of mini conflict as she might want him to be as close to her as they used to be (-chan or just plain drop the suffix altogether).


Feel free to ignore/shoot down some of the commentary, this is your baby after all...
and thanks again for sharing this and keep up the good work!
 

MnemoD

Well-Known Member
#16
EagleCeres said:
Quick comment...
how do you denote when a character is thinking?
Italics? text in single quotes (')?

A few recommendations:
>>>"Wow, Motoko... You're so beautiful!"...
better to really point out the wow factor

>>>"So the gist of it is that Granny Hina left the dorm to you,...
Quick reminder of "GRANNY'S decision, not yours" for the girls.

>>>And then it devolved to stuttering/mumbling when everyone's attention...
needed a little clarification

>>>"He's a he, so obviously he shouldn't be here!"
He's a guy...

>>>Motoko stood before Kitsune, a blonde curvacious...
Would edit/move this line, too much information about Kitsune, when she it's actually Motoko up next.

>>>'She doesn’t like me at all.' Keitaro feared.
Who does Kei doesn't like him? Kitsune or Naru?

>>>"Then why don't we give Keitaro a big Hina welcome? On three-"
Might need a prior line to have Naru acquiesce/accept (under protest) the decision, since all the other girls voted Pro-Kei

>>>"Hey! Keitaro! Can you clean the hot springs, please?"
Still in her Kei hating days, she wont be as polite as the rest of the girls... so no please and thank you to the perv "besides it's his job/obligation!" :p
I did the rewrite in Word while I was at work, I had it all in italics before thanks to formatting but of course Word formatting doesn't carry over, so I have to go through and edit the post again with the tags. Will redo it soon.

EDIT: Phixxed.

Also, Naru is not going to be a gigantic bitch and not even say please. She's a better person than that. She doesn't deserve Kei (And obviously isn't going to get him, but hey) but WE WILL BE CIVIL IN MY STORY, CUNT!

/me bitchsmacks a representation of fanon Naru.
 

MnemoD

Well-Known Member
#17
CHapter 2 started in my second post in the thread. It's not much but a basis for starting is better than not starting :3
 

MnemoD

Well-Known Member
#18
Did a little editing and added a little bit more to the snippet for chapter 2, unfortunately my muse is being rather fickle and I'm not sure where to -go next- with the story since I made the mistake of having more ideas for "Later" and less for "Now". Any thoughts would be great.
 

EagleCeres

Well-Known Member
#19
Can't find anything to nitpick at the moment.

Are you going with pre-testing (at the local seminar) to see their probabilities of getting into the university of their choice or going straight to the admissions exam?
 
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