Loyalty - LiCl Fic

SEG-CISR

Well-Known Member
#1
Welcome, folks, to the first Lithium Chloride Fic of 2011!

Here's your picture, and as the time is now 1200 hours CST, you have until 2359 CST to get your writing in. Take this image, and make it something new and different. Good luck!






Some notes about LiCl-Fic:

Original fiction only.
Quote the prompt above your work, since it will not be posted in General Rants.
For LiCl Fic
Loyalty- A good companion is all you need.


�ǣOn the eighth you should be fine, it's about four days after everything begins hibernating, but not too long that you won't be able to find their homes under the forest debris.���

That was a lie. The most deceitful thing he had ever been told. It hadn't been told because of harbored ill or anything, but due to plain and simple idiocy. And yet, if he survived this night, when he got home he would break both of his cousin's legs for leading him into the situation he was currently in.

Paco chattered quietly beside him, scurrying around the tree stump they both hid behind. The small monkey clambered up his robes and paused atop his shoulder, before reaching into his vest to retrieve a small glass bottle.

He took it from his pet's hands and uncorked the tiny container with one finger, before chugging it down. A loud hiss echoed through the clearing, followed by a cacophony of rustling noises leading towards him.

What a shitty hunter. Both of them, the man and the creature snaking over to him.

Eight eyes, and it couldn't see him or his monkey.

The leader of the town guard, and he went into the woods on a whim because he wanted a quick buck from the eggs of some sleeping beasts.

He wasn't sure which one was worse. He wasn't sure what he was up against, either. He would peek around the broken stump to try to identify the monster he only knew to be huge, white, and snakelike, but if he did so he'd be seen.

The rustling was all he could hear, the sound of the beast's gigantic body roving over the ground as it sought him out. Paco took the spent bottle from his hands and tucked it into his little vest, in silence. The hunter reached over his shoulder, disquieting the monkey on his left arm, and began to draw his sword.

It was a long Halberd, and the monster would surely see it drawn. As things were, he'd be looking at its enormous maw straight on within seconds anyway, so he didn't care.

Paco nudged him softly, gesturing towards the large lantern he held. What a helpful little guy, he knew he wouldn't be able to hold both the sword and the light at once steadily. The pet's thin arms reached out, and grabbed the proffered light source.

It was bigger than he was, but he would be able to hold it. He leapt back, using an arm and his long white tail to hold the brass object as he grabbed onto the top of the stump, and peered over.

At the same time, the hunter, sword in hand, shot out of hiding. The beast was distracted by little, brightly-lit Paco, and so its terrifying visage was turned away from the bigger threat.

The second one, that he never saw, stood erect behind it. The swinging Halberd crashed into the ground, as it stared him down. She stared him down.

A vile representation of a female cackled, a perfectly-white figure marred by malicious red lines, and a grin that signified that it knew, just knew, that it would have a good meal before its hibernation.

The hunter turned, and ran. Paco had given him a potion that put his body into overdrive. It was meant to be used in battle, but strengthened muscles helped his running speed as well.

Paco was such a helpful little guy.

I had to stop writing with this like, a quarter done, and without proofreading. However, looking at it objectively, I think it's okay, even though it's half-cooked.
 

twin blade

Well-Known Member
#2
Readability: 20

Style: 18

Flow: 18

Research: 18

Opinion: 18

Total: 92

As usual, readability is fine. I liked your decision to name the fic - and I presume, the story focus had you more time - on the smallest creature in the fic. Most, I'd imagine, would focus on the man or the creature instead. It was interesting.

Your flow was good as well. A short, quickly ending pause, just enough time to give us the gist, before an explosion of action. The focus on Paco was there, but subtle, fitting the fact that A: The monkey's the focus, yet B: The hunter's about to be eaten by the creature.

The backstory behind the situation is believable, and interesting. There's no long, flowing descriptions of himself, his city, or the creature - but it doesn't need to be there. You told us what we needed to know, and what we needed to know was 'Holy shit Monster'.

I want the rest of this, Seg, when you have time to write more.
 

Halibel Lecter

Well-Known Member
#3
Readability: 20/20. No mistakes, no errors. It was well-written and I spotted no real problems in it.

Style: 16/20. Not a lot of detail, but it flows nicely, and you paced it well. The dynamics were good, something the other contestants didn't focus on.

Flow: 20/20. The flow was perfect, no jarring scene changes or pauses to give info. Your fic may have been short and sweet, but sonny it flows like the Nile.

Research: 12/20. There wasn't much detail, so that does hurt your score. It wasn't a big deal in the story itself, but still presents a problem in scoring this field well. Sorry.

Opinion: 17/20. While you didn't deviate from the typical response, you did allow the hero to live, and bringing the camera in on a small detail was a unique touch--good call. I'm worried about his pet though.

Total: 85% of total.
 

Cosgrove

Well-Known Member
#4
Readability: 20

Style: 18

Flow: 19

Research: 16

Opinion: 18

Total: 92


Overall, a nice story, I quite enjoyed many aspects of it and it was easy to read, with very little to break up its flow. Though not much information in given about the hunter, we do see a good amount of his character.

However, I find myself wondering about this world and the protagonist. The monkey Paco is interesting, but we have little information on why it is so intelligent and that the protagonist seemingly would abandon his helper seems a little odd. Then again, you did also say its far from what you would have given as a finished work, so what we have here is interesting and decently self-supporting in spite of that fact.

But, I did like that you specifically went into detail about what type of weapon the protagonist wielded and the fact that he thought about the monster observing him would easily notice it being drawn from its sheath is exactly what I'd expect from an experienced combat veteran.

It holds true to the scene
 
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