Magical Kaliedo Hayate

[Gx Hero]

Hey everyone I thought I would post here and try to get this paticular story going and use it to help me write other stories. This story came about when I was reading the illya DRE manga and I thought it would be perfect to write something similar in order to use Hayate since I wanted to use her in a story where she was not in a position of power and the main character.

Any way here is the prologue. lease review I know my grammar sucks, but please any help with character dialogue and if it seems too fast paced among other things.

Prologue

Hayate Yagami sat in the living room of the Harlown residence. She had come here feeling ashamed of herself, she felt that she had been truly selfish in her decision in front of the high Council and needed to talk to someone about it. However she couldn't just talk about it with anyone, no it had to be someone who would understand what she had done who had already been there.

Hayate’s thoughts were interrupted by the sound of clattering China. Looking up she saw the smiling face of Lindy Harlown carrying a tray of tea. Her smile as motherly as it had ever been. She sat the tray down on the table and took a seat opposite Hayate.
“So Hayate what is troubling your mind, it must be eating you up since you didn't go to see Chrono, Nanoha, or Carim.”

Hayate didn't answer just looked at her empty tea cup now in her hand. She was doubting herself her choices even now, but she had come here seeking advice from her. Taking a deep breath she let it out.
“Do you think it was a mistake for me to turn down the position of lieutenant General?”

Lindy blinked surprised by Hayate’s question, but no less answered her. “Hayate are you scared that you might turn out like Lieutenant General Regius Graz did.”

Hayate stiffened; she had hit one of the reasons on the mark. Lindy gave a sigh. Reaching over she grasped one of Hayate’s hands in her own.

“Hayate what do you want to do with your life?”

Hayate just blinked not expecting Lindy’s question. Wasn’t it obvious, she wanted to protect people and the ones she loved, wasn’t making it to the top part of that? “Isn’t it being a ground force mage?” she finally said.
Lindy shook her head and let go of Hayate’s hand and then poured herself a pot of green tea, adding the three cubes of sugar, and milk, something that she had not become accustomed to. After taking a sip she continued.

“When you Nanoha and Fate joined you had reasons why you joined. Nanoha wanted to teach others since Yunno had taught her at a time she was figuring out her life. Fate wanted to stop incidents like hers from happening again. So they chose their respective path’s as a combat instructor, and enforcer. Hayate why did you chose ground forces when you could have had even my position aboard the Asura eventually if you chose?”

Hayate thought, she wanted to say because she had to make up for her family’s crimes… was that the only reason, was that the only reason she chose ground forces. The brief time she had worked and successfully created Riot Force 6. The unit had been made to counter AMF weapons, but she had wanted to help people. Her mind flew back to the fire a Mid childa air port, they had to wait a while for air force to come, that had been precious time for the victim’s. That’s right she had wanted to help aid people because their had been a shortage of mage’s. She wanted to investigate things and help people who were like her with unusual circumstance’s and keep their hoes up.

“I… I wanted to protect people directly.” She said softly, almost a whisper. “ With my own hands.”

Lindy nodded. “Yes Hayate that is something you and many of your friends share is that desire. I think that politics would stand in your way, and like all good investigator’s you hate when Higher ups hide behind the red tape when there hand is in the cookie jar.”

Hayate couldn't help but laugh at how Lindy made it sound it was sneaky little child who thought he could get away with taking one cookie. Still she was right politics would get in her way, she would on a regular basis have to convince people of her plan, even use propaganda and under handed tricks to get it going. Still the reason that she felt so ashamed had yet to be addressed.

“Um Lindy I just wanted to be able to live with my family and felt that becoming lieutenant general would keep me from them and drag them into unnecessary things.”

“Hayate that is not a sin. I took the position I have now because I wanted to spend time with Fate, my daughter.” Sighing at how harsh that may have sounded she continued in a softer tone. “Hayate, never live your life for anyone but yourself. Unlike most people you understand that power can only do so much and that it is not everything.”

Hayate stared at her and flash backs of when she had first met her family went through her mind. They had sworn themselves to serve her… a wheel chair bound girl who would most likely not live too much longer, and yet she had been the happiest at that time. Then on that Christmas day Reinforce Eins had sacrificed herself to stop the corruption of the book of darkness from regenerating a new defense program… all the power she and the others had could not save her.

Hayate was startled out of her thoughts when she felt her head being laid against Lindy’s chest. She had not noticed that the woman had moved.

“Lindy what!”

“Shhh. Rest. You need someone to lean on in times like this. Having come up the way you did without a parent must have been hard, but for tonight rest.”

There was no more argument as Hayate curled up in Lindy’s lap. She was right Hayate had hardly had the feeling of motherly love since her parent had died when she was young, maybe that was why she clung on to her family.

Note I am already planning on fixing what I see as flaws but I thought I get other opinions before I actually do it.

 

[Nanya]

hmm... I am not sure what to think, not enough here, really.

 

[Gx Hero]

Well Like I said planning on a rewrite. But I wanted to start off with showing Hayate's issue of feeling pressured to take the promotion and her desire to be near her family. She had to bear so much even after the book of darkness case, and after strikers she admitted that she was starting to let her feelings get to strong.

Also I want to feature Hayate in a non- high command roll.


I guess I need more details about her problem and the situation.

 

[Filraen]

For starters, it took me a whole lot more than necessary to get into the mindset "this is (post-)StrikerS" since, when you grouped Hayate, the Harlaown residence and Lindy in a single idea, I got locked into (post-)A's. You might want to mention Hayate's rank earlier. (somehow I missed the references to the High Council mention)

I don't recall reading Lindy's married last name as Harlown, only Harlaown or Hallaoun.

Also I agree with Nanya: there isn't enough of anything in the snip. More introspective talk? More descriptions? I don't know.