Harry Potter Makeshift Vanities

#1
Ch1, 2, 3, 4

Was hoping to get some feedback on this. Chapter one may seem familiar to start, but it's been changed heavily since.

This line from the summary is important: "Dreams are things that are seen but not held."

Oh, and if you wonder about the title, another way of saying it is "Jury-rigged dressing tables". The meaning is intentional.
 

infin1x

Well-Known Member
#3
The writing is enjoyable enough but I have to wonder what the purpose is. You've covered a large chunk of time with a few changes from cannon but there doesn't seem to be any explanation for most of those changes and they haven't really effected the overall plot much. So far you have a glossed over bit of canon with a few inconsequential and/or unexplained changes.

There are hints that there is something bigger and more interesting going on; the dreams, the very first few paragraphs, and the mysterious "messages" which I would like to see turned into something.

I hope this comes across as the constructive criticism it is meant to be. I've followed the story because I am interested in seeing where this goes.
 
#4
The writing is enjoyable enough but I have to wonder what the purpose is. You've covered a large chunk of time with a few changes from cannon but there doesn't seem to be any explanation for most of those changes and they haven't really effected the overall plot much. So far you have a glossed over bit of canon with a few inconsequential and/or unexplained changes.
This couldn't be helped, in essence, I'm afraid. I wanted to essentially skip Year Three only without actually doing so, yet set up something which is still to come. It's building, I'll say that.

There are hints that there is something bigger and more interesting going on; the dreams, the very first few paragraphs, and the mysterious "messages" which I would like to see turned into something.
Dreams served two purposes in canon, essentially: the first was nonsense, and the second was Voldemort-related. The Voldemort-related dreams were from the horcrux, or were simply Harry's nightmares which may still have been influenced by the horcrux connection.

I'm using dreams here for more than the above: there are nonsense dreams, but the other types of dreams are something I don't want to spoil. More information about it will come in when fifth year begins.

Regarding 'mysterious "messages"', I think you mean the OFFICIAL COMMUNICATION(s)? I don't know if there will be any more of those, but a canon character will be used who may imply something related. I think it will be able to be guessed what those are about.

And yes, I found your message constructive. I can't reveal much because it's building slowly and I haven't written it yet. That also answers the question about when chapter 5 will be released: when it's done. Currently it's not started, I've been bad. Hopefully it won't take me that long to write.

Cryptic is cryptic.
 
#5
Here's a bit of writing that will be in the next chapter.
The dream changed …

Snape was meeting with Dumbledore in the Headmaster's office. Snape was talking, his voice was completely unlike any Harry had heard the professor use before. It was vibrant, determined …

Snape showed Dumbledore something on his left arm, something Harry could not see.

More discussion. The Headmaster seemed completely serene. He asked Snape if Snape was still committed. Snape assured Dumbledore that he was, his voice still with the curious determination.

Dumbledore smiled.

The dream changed …

He dreamed that he was scaling a very tall mountain, swaddled in clothing meant to fight off the fearful cold, but which was not doing a very good job of it. All the footholds were perilous, if they were there at all. All that kept him from falling to his death were ropes and an axe. But he was determined … he was always determined.

There was still a long way to climb …

The dream changed …

He dreamed that he was a lion in a zoo, sunning himself on a big flat rock. There were many humans watching him. It was still some time before sundown. The sun was only beginning to set.

His lioness padded over to him and laid down beside him. He looked away from the human children and into his lioness' silvery gray eyes.

Some of the humans took photographs.

Harry the lion roared …

The dream changed …

He dreamed that he was a huge black dog walking on a sandy stony beach …
The next chapter is coming along. I have almost 5000 words written, so hopefully the rest will not take much longer.

Edited for effect.
 
#6
Chapter five is available now or should be very shortly. I decided to cut it off at a little over five thousand words.
 
#7
I just checked this out on fan fiction. Pretty cool story, with an interesting ambiance.
 
#8
If anyone here cares, and that seems to be hardly the case at all, I've come to the conclusion that I need to rewrite the year of Goblet. Don't expect the current versions of those already-posted chapters to stay up forever; when I am back at the current date of where I left off I will do chapter replacements without further warning.

In other words, this post is your warning.

No, the story is not dead; no, the plot has not changed.
 

sinewyk

Well-Known Member
#9
Cryptic shit. Still can't form any opinion until I know what I'm reading.
 
#10
I'm almost done making the changes I want to make. The way I wrote it is actually helping me as there isn't an enormous amount I have to rework.

Currently five chapters are posted; I'm compacting it to four. The overall length should be similar though.

It shouldn't be too long before the revisions go live.
 
#11
The following links lead to the new version of this story; the old one linked above is abandoned.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/11198599/1/Makeshift-Vanities  (first chapter)

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/11198599/5/Makeshift-Vanities  (newest chapter) (posted December 1)
I have just over 5,000 words of chapter six written; here is a snippet.

On the second Thursday of November, less than two weeks before the First Task of the Triwizard, he hung back at the close to speak to Professor Moody.

“Professor, could I have a little of your time?” he asked, nodding towards the door and silently asking the professor to close it and seal it.

The retired Auror must have understood, for that was exactly what he then did.

“What do you need, Potter?”

Harry hesitated. He had been working himself towards this conversation for weeks. “I heard from Mr Weasley that you were a very good Auror.”

Moody looked at him critically with his magical eye. “Arthur Weasley, presumably?”

Harry nodded.

“I wouldn't so much say I was very good,” the man muttered. “Effective might be the limit of what I'd claim”. He looked at Harry with a piercing expression. “No one who talks themselves up can really be trusted.”

Harry nodded, recalling Gilderoy Lockhart.

“But, effective as I may have been, I had limits,” he said, pointing to the magical eye. “They were exceeded more than once, I just happened to get out alive.”

Harry nodded again.

“So what are you after, Potter?”

Harry got straight to the point. “I was wondering if you could tell me anything about the murders of Emerson Potter and his wife. My dad's parents.”

Moody straightened a little. “Aye, Lupin let me know you might ask. I worked that case. Two of the nastiest, most brutal killings I ever saw in my whole career.”

Harry sat down, and Moody followed. “Professor Lupin said that they were mutilated,” Harry said, hoping for details.

Moody nodded, and did not disappoint. “That's the right word, alright. 'They were cut to pieces, and their bodies slashed to ribbons.” He cleared his throat. “One killer, two victims. Only spells on the bodies were the ones that beheaded them; everything else was done with a knife.”

Harry clenched his fists. “What else?”

Moody sighed. “The killer torched every portrait in the home, your grandparents' rooms, what was probably your father's bedroom growing up, and much of the rest of the house. Only thing of substance left was the library; I suppose the killer thought the books were more valuable than their owners.”

Harry felt he needed to punch something or someone very very hard. “One person did all of that?”

Moody nodded. “Only one. They set the Dark Mark before leaving, too.”

Feeling blood on his fingertips, Harry forced himself to relax. “Lupin told me that nobody was ever convicted.”

Moody nodded. “It never went to trial. I'm convinced that a lot of murderers walked away, whether by pleading Imperius, or … for other reasons.”

Harry turned his hands palm-side down and watched drops of blood fall on the desktop. After a couple minutes of silence, Moody again spoke.

“I'll give you one piece of advice, Potter. Dwelling on this won't do you any good.” Moody healed the damage to Harry's hands with taps and swishes of his wand, undid the seal on the door, and motioned for Harry to leave. Harry took the dismissal for what it clearly was, and went to dinner.

He would hardly speak a word in the next several days.
So there was one of the plot threads that I don't think was in the first version at all.
I think the new version of the story is more tightly focused and less cryptic, which was a complaint.
Now, what will be the outcome of this post?
 
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