Mirrored Soul

#1
MIRRORED SOULS

Chapter 1: Through the Looking Glass...

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The blue patterns of the Hyperspace tunnel danced in front of Jorran Ka'as' eyes as the smuggling vessel known as the Ebon Hawk cruised towards Onderon, leaving Nar Shaddaa behind them. Sitting back in the co-pilot's seat, he sighed and shut his eyes, falling into a light trance as he stretched out his senses around the ship.

The first mind he sensed, naturally enough, was that of the pilot, Atton Rand, who sat next to him, reeling off pazaak numbers as was his wont. Next, Jorran's mind brushed against that of Mira, a beautiful former Bounty Huntress that had, to Jorran's quiet suprise, proved open to the ways of the Force, and had become his apprentice.

A tugging on his senses made him look again, and this time he groaned. An arguement was brewing again in the Cargo Hold, and, as usual, it was between Visas and the Handmaiden. Rising from his seat, the Exiled Jedi Sentinel made his way toward the cargo hold, thinking about the quarrelsome pair of women.

Visas Marr was a Miralukan, apparently the last of her people in this region of space. Her homeworld of Katarr had been rendered lifeless by some unknown, but horrifying means. A private woman, she didn't reveal much to anyone, not even Jorran, who had taken it on himself to care for the young woman.

The Handmaiden was in many ways the polar opposite to Visas. A proud, somewhat bossy Echani woman, she had been a servant of Atris who had stowed away on the Hawk when they had left Telos. She had taken up residence in the Cargo Hold, despite his attempts to have her quartered in one of the dorms.

It had to be remarked, Jorran thought, that these two women, despite appearences, were suprisingly similar, such as the way they both almost went starry-eyed in his presence. This slightly worried him, if he was honest. Jorran had had to do some pretty extreme things to survive on the Outer Rim, things that he wasn't proud of. One of those had been appearing in an "adult movie". Coughing nervously as he remembered some of the things he' had to do in that holo-film, Jorran hoped, begged, and prayed that no one closer in the Coreworlds would ever see this film. The reason he'd thought of it now, was that Visas seemed to have a somewhat submissive personality, while the Handmaiden had a more dominating peronality.

Arriving outside the Cargo Hold, Jorran looked inside. It was pretty much what he expected. The Handmaiden was getting worked up into a lather, while Visas was speaking softly and calmy. It looked as though the two were arguing about the fact that Visas and he were getting so close.

'I care for both of them, but sometimes I can't help but want to toss them both out of the airlock. If only there was some way for them to come together in peace and harmony...' he thought idly, making his way back to the main hold.

All of a sudden the ship lurched downwards and to the starboard side, causing Jorran to smack his head hard against the bulkhead, and collapse to the ground in a daze. The ship groaned and moaned.....

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When he came to, Jorran checked his chrono. With a start, he saw that he'd been out for nearly half an hour. Staggering to his feet, he clutched his head and groaned out loud as he saw stars. After a few moments they dissappeared and he gingerly made his way up to the cockpit, where Mira and Atton were having an arguement.

'Heh... The more things change, the more they stay the same.' he thought, as he cleared his throat.

"What just happened, Atton?" he asked.

"We, ah, ran into something." Atton said, pointing out the windows. Jorran gasped in disbelief. Outside the ship was a monsterous black hole, and only a small distance away, relatively speaking, was a supernova. It looked as though the Hawk had flown right between the two, and been soaked in radiation.

"I don't believe it..." Mira said, stunned.

Taking charge, Jorran decided to walk around the ship, and see how everyone was. First he went to the portside dorms, where his Master, Kreia, was meditating. The old woman rose with remarkable grace to her feet as Jorran knocked on the door.

"Yes? What is it?" she asked.

"I just came to see if you are all right, that was a nasty bump the ship took."

"I do not require your concern, I am quite fine," Kreia replied sternly. "I would advise you to look to your own concerns."

"All right, all right!" Jorran said defensively. "Sheesh...." he began to mutter under his breath as he walked away.

Next he walked into the garage, where Bao-Dur, the Zabrak mechanic extraordinaire, was rewiring a few panels under the deckplates. Seeing the Exile walk in, he levered himself partly out of the access hatchway.

"Yes, General?" he asked.

"Are you all right? That was a bit of a rough shaking the ship took." Jorran asked.

"I'm all right, General, and so is the ship." Bao-Dur replied, softly as always. "I think that there's someone who could use you assistance though." he added wryly, as T3-M4, the astromech droid, buzzed and chattered from the passageway. Popping his head out the door, Jorran smiled as he walked over and righted the droid. T3 gave a "Boop" of thanks, and trundled off.

Finally, Jorran went to check on Visas. When he looked inside the starboard dorms, though, it was empty.

'That's odd. Where did she go?' he asked himself.

'Maybe she and the Handmaiden are still in the Cargo Hold...' he decided, and treked over to look.

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The Cargo Hold was a mess when he entered. Boxes and plasteel cylinders were thrown all over the place. By one wall, several pallets were haphazardly piled up, almost as if they were a barricade.

"Visas? Handmaiden? Are you there?" he called out. The pallets moved slightly.

"E-E-Exile?" called the Handmaiden, her voice trembling. Suddenly the pallets seemed to explode in all directions, and a blur slammed into Jorrans' arms, propelling him into the wall. With watering eyes, Jorran looked at what was in his arms. The expanse of white seemed to say that the Handmaiden was curled up there, but..... Jorran frowned. He had a very sensitive nose, and it was telling him that this wasn't the Handmaiden in his arms. Or rather, it was the Handmaiden, but for some reason there was a strong scent of Visas Marr's perfume as well.

Blinking several times, he cleared his eyes and looked again.

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Aton lept to his feet as an incredably loud shout of shock rang out from the cargo hold. Running there, what he and the others found left them utterly speechless.

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Jorran stared open-mouthed. The woman on his lap wore the Handmaidens' white one-piece suit, but also had the black leather corset and red (with gold trim) hood that Visas wore. The hood was pushed back, and the Handmaidens' ice-blue eyes, now surrounded by blue as well, looked into his brown eyes with an expression of fear before they closed and she buried her face in his chest.

"Ah.... Jorran? Who's that?" Mira asked, slightly unneccessarily.

"Don't ask me how," the Exile said slowly, "But I think this is the Handmaiden and Visas.... They've somehow merged..."

There was a great outburst at this, before Jorran raised his finger to his lips.

"Hush! She's fallen asleep." Indeed, the Visas/Handmaiden entity was leaning into Jorrans' body, arms around him and her face in the crook of his shoulder. Carefully picking her up, the Exile looked at his friends.

"Atton, get back up to the cockpit and get us back on course for Onderon. Once we get there, maybe we can find Kavar and he can help. You go with him, Bao-Dur." The two nodded and jogged out. Kreia silently turned and walked off.

"T3, I'm relying on you to keep the ship in tip-top condition, ok?" The droid beeped in agreement, and trundled off.

"Mira, you'd better come with me. We need to keep an eye on.... on....." he trailed off, not sure what to refer to the merged entity as.

"Sure." Mira said, following Jorran as he carried Visas/Handmaiden to the starboard dorms. Drawing up two chairs as Jorran placed the young woman on one of the bunks, Mira sat and studied her closely, as did Jorran.

"So, what do you think, Jorran?" Mira asked. Jorran looked his Padawan in the eyes, and exhaled slowly.

"I don't know, Mira. I've never seen anything like this before. Only time will tell..." he said gravely, before returning his attention to the merged Visas/Handmaiden.

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#2
How's this for a start? Is it any good?

Oh, and I'm going to add a poll about what name Visas/Handmaiden should have.

Oh, and the second one is Visanna, not what I wrote, that was a typo.
 
#3
All right, now for the record, the Visas/Handmaiden entity shall be known as Visanna.

Chapter 2

The Ebon Hawk translated out of Hyperspace smoothly, and Atton took control and piloted the ship towards the planet Onderon. There was very dense traffic waiting in orbit, so Atton brought the ship into a holding pattern. "Better put you feet up Jorran, this could take a while..." he called over the comm.

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"Thank you, Atton." the Exile said, as he looked at the woman lying on the bunk in front of him. At first glance she merely appeared to be a quite attractive young woman with pale brown hair, but Jorran knew only too well that appearences could be decieving. The woman lying asleep on that bunk, was in fact the fusion of two of his shipmates: Visas Marr, a Miralukan who was formerly a Dark Jedi, and the Handmaiden, an Echani in the employ of Jorrans' former Jedi Master, Atris.

Jorran sighed wearily as he rose to his feet and stretched. Not for the first time, he wondered why the Force had done this, and would it be possible to seperate the Handmaiden and Visas again...

Jorran spun his head around as he heard the woman behind him start to wake. He went back over to her side and knelt down as she opened her eyes.

"Exile? What has happened to us?" the Handmaiden spoke softly.

"Yes, I feel strange, Master.." Visas added, focussing on Jorrans' face.

Jorran was silent for a moment. "We encountered an anomaly in Hyperspace. Somehow it has fused you both into a single being."

The two merged women were shocked into silence by this, even more so when Jorran spoke next. "While you were asleep you kept whispering 'Visanna, Visanna'. Does that mean anything to either of you?"

The merged Handmaiden/Visas nodded slowly. "It sounds like a contraction of my name, Brianna." The Handmaiden revealed.

"And my name as well." Visas said softly

"Visanna..." Jorran considered. "On my homeworld, Visanna means 'child of the spirits'. It's a good name." He said after a moment, squeezing 'Visannas' hand affectionally.

Suddenly, the ship surged forwards and shook slightly. Jorran nearly lost his balance as he ran to the cockpit.

"What the Hell is going on?" he shouted at Atton.

"Some guy called Colonel Tobin's attacking us!" Atton said, throwing the controls around as a flight of starfighters shot past, plasma still cooling from their guns.

"Right then. Hold her steady, Atton, I'll man the guns." Jorran barked, making for the turret at a dead run. The Ebon Hawk surged as quadlaser fire rained on to the shield. Joran clambered up into the gunners' chair, and swung it around a few times to get the feel of the guns.

"All right... I don't particularly want to do this, but if I don't..." he muttered to himself, before sighting the quadlaser and opening fire on the attacking starfighters.
 

ttestagr

Well-Known Member
#4
I didn't notice this before, and I just read through it. It has potential, but there are a few problems in the presentation, characterization, and the dialogue.

The main problem with the presentation is noticable from the beginning, it reads like you're summarizing the game. Instead of sticking that information in paragraphs of narration, it would be a smoother flow if you presented a limited amount of it in dialogue. For example, to start the story off you can have a few members of the crew discuss their trip to Onderon. Using Mira as an example, you can put out the fact that she was a bounty hunter by having one of the other members call her that, or have her mention it in relation to their search for Kavar. You can present the fact that she's the Exiles new apprentice by having the exile think of her as such after her dialogue (ex: "I can find the Jedi for you," remarked his new apprentice.) Also the little bit about the exile being in an adult movie through me, and seemed very much out of place.

As for characterization, the way you had the exile describe the two women was flat and shallow. Their attitudes towards him are anything but, and in light side path of the game he notices. On the dark path, his responses are basically telling them to serve him and that is all he notices.

The dialogue feels off, like the emotions certain statements are supposed to bring are missing. For example
Jorran spun his head around as he heard the woman behind him start to wake. He went back over to her side and knelt down as she opened her eyes.

"Exile? What has happened to us?" the Handmaiden spoke softly.

"Yes, I feel strange, Master.." Visas added, focussing on Jorrans' face.

Jorran was silent for a moment. "We encountered an anomaly in Hyperspace. Somehow it has fused you both into a single being."

The two merged women were shocked into silence by this, even more so when Jorran spoke next. "While you were asleep you kept whispering 'Visanna, Visanna'. Does that mean anything to either of you?"
It's my opinion that this segment should be filled with awkwardness, shock, hysteria, disbelief, fear, and or anger. You don't show any of them, and though you attempted shock, you moved on to quickly for it to show. There should be at least a paragraph on that, describing their expression, body language, or anything. Instead you moved immediately onto their name, which came about too easily. If they didn't know they merged, having them think up a name for their new persona isn't really believable. You also skip a lot of things you could do with just a new name, like their argument about what to be called, resentment about it and the loss of identity, etc.
 
#5
Yeah....

Looking on this fic now, I'm just too embarrased to work on it, to be honest.

I know my limitations, and mine are I'm hopeless at writing dialogue, anything that needs to show high emotion.

If anyone wants to shake out this ugly bag of snakes and write it, they're welcome to. I'm washing my hands of it.
 
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