Musings

[MnemoD]

WARNING: This is a rant, and thus it will NOT STAY ON TOPIC. AT ALL. EVER. JUST GET USED TO IT. That said, thanks for reading.

So, while I've never been a huge presence whether on OldTFF or here on the new boards, I've been around long enough to have seen the wave that is Fanfiction. That doesn't have anything to do with this rant, but it's just kind of a lead in.

I used to write all the time, and while my writing quality over time has improved I've pretty much always suffered from the inability to think further ahead than a chapter or two. Fruity Loops? I can't even remotely come up with future material.

And sadly, it and the two other stories I posted on FF.net have gotten startlingly popular despite the lack of material I posted for them. I feel like I'm letting people down when I really am just that poor of a writer. I have writer's block all the time and even worse I am just not that talented at it.

I've said before here that I've been depressed for awhile and that kills my writing drive, and while that's true I think it's more of an excuse than an actual reason. I've been depressed for so long it's nigh my permanent disposition. Even as of late, when I'm starting to put work back into my life instead of wasting away, I just get more and more depressed.

I think it's mostly to do with my birthday being this Saturday, though. And the fact that even last year my ex made the time to go to dinner with me on my birthday. I think this year will be the first year I -really- realize how alone I am despite the fact we broke up back in 2012.

I know it makes very little sense, but it doesn't stop me from getting depressed by it. Then again, I think my birthdays have always been sad affairs. No friends, just a cake and the reminder I lived a year more than someone else.

I went today to meet my advisor for college (I'm trying to get into the nursing program at a community college, I'll be taking my pre-reqs this semester and trying to test in during Spring so next fall will be my first semester in the program) and even though I had friends over not an hour ago, I feel lonely.

I miss my little girl, whom I'll see Friday. I miss my ex, who I know it never would have worked out. I think most of all I just hate being alone.

Which doesn't make a lot of sense, since I've never really felt -whole-.

Ryoko at the beach for those who read my whining. Keep being awesome, TFF, I look forward to more days reading stories here and being reminded that while I am a terrible writer... People will still read my stuff if I put it out.

 

[Fellgrave]

*offers a hug*

Happy (early) Birthday. I know it's not much, but when I'm feeling alone, I just head here, or to any other forum I'm a part of, and I find someone I know to talk to. Don't worry about your writing either. I've only ever had one story plotted out beyond a single chapter, and that one is still sitting untouched a couple hundred words in on my hard drive.

I'm sad to hear that you feel this way, and I hope things work out for down the road. Hopefully things can, and will, only get better.

 

[Juubi]

My condolences for your troubles friend. I have issues with depression as well and I don't feel whole either. For you, I think, maybe finding the right girl and, as Fellgrave said, someone to talk to may be the best way to feel better. When you get low, come here, find us, and we'll make time for you. We're all friends here. And Happy (early) Birthday. I'd send a gift, but I'm short on disposable income for the moment.

 

[MnemoD]

*offers a hug*

....

....

*Hugs.* Thanks. It does help a little bit.[/quote]

...Happy (early) Birthday. I'd send a gift, but I'm short on disposable income for the moment.

Don't even think about it. Birthdays are never about gifts, they're about celebrating life. I'm just terrible at it. Thank you for the thoughts anyway.

 

[Lord Raa]

I know what it's like to be alone.

I had times where I didn't have social interaction outside of talking to people on the checkout in shops and conversations with co-workers.

I'm not sure what to say to help make things better, but if I did know what to say, I'd be saying it here now.

But what certainly doesn't make things better is the knowledge that I'm intending to remix a couple of fic ideas that I've posted here into a lengthy saga that will... Wait, what's the opposite of entertain again? Whatever that thing is.

That's what'll happen if/when I can figure out how to start this nonsense.

 

[MnemoD]

I know what it's like to be alone.

I had times where I didn't have social interaction outside of talking to people on the checkout in shops and conversations with co-workers.

I'm not sure what to say to help make things better, but if I did know what to say, I'd be saying it here now.

But what certainly doesn't make things better is the knowledge that I'm intending to remix a couple of fic ideas that I've posted here into a lengthy saga that will... Wait, what's the opposite of entertain again? Whatever that thing is.

That's what'll happen if/when I can figure out how to start this nonsense.

Lord Raa? Have writing issues? NEVER. MAKES NO SENSE. UNACCEPTABLE BREAK FROM REALITY.

That said, a new WOE IS ME rant because I'm feeling down and can't talk about it through other channels.

----

So I tried to go into the nursing program at my local technical college- and got my ass utterly kicked by it's A&P 1 class because it was 200% memorizing technical jargon and 100% knowing half of this shit inherently without any help from the professor (who, when you would ask questions, would generally blow you off and try to make you get the information yourself.) He also was the type to both talk about "ways people learn" and then dismiss that you "shouldn't think of how you learn and instead just do what works." Now, I realize that I wasn't quite fit for the medical profession anyway (as I'm very squeamish about blood and gore -but I wanted to go into the field to help people as well as for the benefits of widely available work)

However, that has put me at odds with my family- a family I was already at great odds with. As a bit of background, I'm a Southerner (USA) and one half of my family is Baptist Christians. The other half is redneck central. I was the joyful child born to a father who never makes mistakes and never has a "bad day" and a mother who- despite barely being 40- looks to be in her 60s because of her poor health choices and her own mental issues.

I'm one of those freakish people who feels guilty over having issues, tries to fix them, feels worse when people lambaste him (frequently) over having such issues, and all that sits on the fact I literally cannot remember a time I haven't been (suicidally/homicidally) depressed.

To make it better, attempts at getting help when I was younger led to someone trying to use me for insurance fraud by shunting me away in a mental health hospital in gang territory (I literally was pulled out of a night with friends having to drive four hours away just to walk in, my father have a furious fit (the one time I've seen him protective of me, I still feel great about that moment) and us walk back out.

So, long story short- I'm one of those stupid people who has the ability to utterly destroy themselves in minutes- without other people's help. And people -love- to help around here.

I've been half-ass trying to find work lately, because it's gotten to the point where I'm too scared to go to interviews because the rejection hurts me personally each time- and then I fail each interview because it's gotten to the point where I have anxiety attacks just showing up. My last job was a terrible factory job where I was lied to about hours and days (Mon-Fri 5PM to 5AM turned into 7 days a week 5PM to 6M) which I couldn't do as I have a young daughter whom I only get to see on weekends currently- as she attends a very nice private school on the money of my ex's new family.

My daughter is the only thing in this world that keeps me living from day to day- because thinking of the heartache that would cause her and my ex if I were to take myself out kills me.

I used to write songs, poetry, and fanfiction to stave away the loneliness and to try and share the joy I felt when I read a good book or enjoyed music. I haven't written anything in quite awhile (as some of you are well aware, with my apologies to anyone who actually cares about Fruity Loops or my other works.) and I feel like a burden on my one friend currently because I can't even offer to cook for him or to be a better person than a lump in the room.

I know it's one big soapbox derby, but I appreciate the charity of those of you who took the time to read this. TFF is the oldest community I'm still a part of, and I'm proud every time someone talks about Shinji and Warhammer 40k or some other project I was there for at the very start and got to see it grow like my own child has. Be awesome- keep writing.

Most of all, keep growing.

 

[MnemoD]

Another stupid woe is me rant[\b]

There's part of me- laying here unable to sleep- that wonders what it's like. To live without the hope the world will end, or you'll have a heart attack before you wake up. That this life is just a nightmare you haven't woken up yet. That the empty bed is just a terrifying reminder that you can lose it all- and not a real, waking daily occurrence.

That part of me is the part whispering quietly "Why wake up at all?" It's the part that's been sitting in the back of my head, a comfortable little horror telling me that I'm alone- no one will ever love me- that every struggle is pointless- for over a decade now. That the whiskey and the pain pills- they'll fix it. That's what they're for, right?

But they won't. This isn't a cut or a bruise- a broken bone. It's my brain- it's the memories of not being good enough, not being smart enough, not being mature enough. It's the constant reminder that- when the ache to cry and scream that I muffle because it would bother someone else- the only thing that will still be there is the rain. There's only the comfort of that noise on the roof.

So I wonder what it would be like- to live without depression. Without this voice in my head whispering "Don't sleep. Why wake up? Why work, why try? You know how it ends. You fail. You're not good enough, you'll never be good enough. You'll never be handsome- smart- fit- mature. Never have money- be popular- be desirable. You couldn't pay someone to love you."

I bet it must be nice. I hate the people who enjoy it. Assholes.

 

[T.L]

Living with my wife who was diagnosed with depression, I can see where you are coming from.
Life for those who live with people who suffer is no piece of cake either.

Believe me that there have been days when I have had to rush home from work due to a possible suicide attempt, the thought is always in the back of your mind when you leave for the day. My wife used to be medicated due to a chemical imbalance in the brain. This imbalance as you are probably aware is thought to be induced by the processes in the brain.
It has taken me nearly 10 years to switch my wife's thinking around from being constantly negative to slightly positive. The main thing that I focused on was that instead of seeing the glass being 1/2 empty look at it as being 1/2 full. It has been a long road and there are days when it's still really tough, But she is off her medication now and life's still tough but the constant stress of a suicide attempt has waned.

One thing I found that helped was to focus on one thing at a time.
By that I mean to do one positive thing a week or fortnightly, A change in life style, a walk in the park, talking with a friend in person, going out to eat whatever. The important thing is that if you don't do it don't give up, there is always tomorrow. Over a period of time my wife managed to build up to several positive things a week at it has helped immensely.

Never ever be afraid to ask for help, its a crippling problem I know I live it every day.
Here in Australia there has been a recent push to understand and help those who suffer with depression with several famous sporting identities and actors coming forward with the issue. It's not a stigma here anymore and people are starting to become more understanding.

Try this web site for some help
https://www.beyondblue.org.au/
This is a fair dinkum web site. Its run by one of our ex-premiers and he is always pushing the issue to get understanding

If you ever need to ear bash someone I'm always ready to lend an ear.
T.L

 

[MnemoD]

My ex actually has bipolar disorder, so I'm a bit used to dealing with it from both ends- which is obviously part of why our relationship didn't work out.

I was seeing a therapist- but lost my medical insurance and due to my work hours (pizza delivery driver, evenings) I'm not awake during "normal people hours" to do errands since I don't live in an urban area where things are open past 9PM. I haven't had time to go get the diagnosis for acid reflux so a psych can offer alternative medicines to the celexa / etc we'd tried before that seemed to make me feel worse rather than better. But I appreciate the help and anecdotes- I mostly just wanted to vent. I'd intended to post that all to Facebook, but deleted it almost immediately after since I'd just get the usual "God finds a way" and other goofy stupid shit people say in response.

 

[MnemoD]

My ex just got married. I just realized this- though really I'm not that... I don't even really care about it. I'm just kind of numb all of a sudden. Not even because of that- I think I just mentally dropped. To the point that I ran for a joint and burned through half of it- to those of you new to this information- I do not often do drugs, drink, etc.

Depression sucks. Especially when it's so permanent.

Really, though, what I wanted to rant about was this funk.

Here lately I've been trying to think of what to do with my future. I want to do something other than manage a store occasionally/deliver pizzas. I want to do something- I want to be someone.

Lately, my newest interest was in doing voice-work. Or music, again, maybe. I've started setting my back room up as a little studio- alongside the new computer and the plans I have going forward.

That- that strangely sounds like a huge leap forward- just in the course of typing this I suddenly realized how crazy I am.

I was planning on saving money to get a motorcycle- I've wanted one forever, and I kind of need a vehicle I -actually own.- I'm -planning for the future.- Even while I'm sitting here wildly typing on these keys- trying to share this moment. Because I keep trying to be a sycophant about these things.

I always want to say:

If you need help, go get it. If you want someone to talk to you, talk.
Because I don't want anyone to feel the way I do right now.

 

[PCHeintz72]

I was planning on saving money to get a motorcycle- I've wanted one forever, and I kind of need a vehicle I -actually own.- I'm -planning for the future.- Even while I'm sitting here wildly typing on these keys- trying to share this moment. Because I keep trying to be a sycophant about these things.

Ah, this would explain the HSDXD story you put out recently.

I've not much in way of advice to give you. It is easy for someone not depressed to say to someone whom is to simply 'get over it' or 'move on', and it boils to the fact that anyone saying that simply cannot understand their situation. It is important though, to do things to lighten it, to distract yourself, get your mind on other things, even things you will later look back on go 'what was I thinkin' (heh, like the song by Dierks Bentley).

I will say sometimes, making plans, even plans you don't intend to follow through on (or at least not immediately), can lighten the mind. I don't mean spend 5 minutes on something and move on, but serious research. I myself in the past when needed to take mind off things have planned out purchases and changes I do not intend to actually do before, it can be fun, and just as important, distracting.

I've not planned out full blown motorcycle purchases, but I have done so for mopeds, go karts (not kids ones, actual serious adult ones), rail cars, 2 and 4 door UTV's and even emergency inflatable boats. Researching the market, the major companies, the offerings on various company pages, the accessories and options, distribution channels, why one better than another, items you would like to see in it or might need, licensing, etc.... It also actually can be enlightening doing so, giving a lot of knowledge on odd subjects. Such research these days can also be done for free, merely taking up time to do it, by using internet.

EDIT: edited for clarity.

 

[MnemoD]

I was planning on saving money to get a motorcycle- I've wanted one forever, and I kind of need a vehicle I -actually own.- I'm -planning for the future.- Even while I'm sitting here wildly typing on these keys- trying to share this moment. Because I keep trying to be a sycophant about these things.

Ah, this would explain the HSDXD story you put out recently.

Believe it or not- the motorcycle thing has always been a recurring theme with me. But it was actually kind of a result of watching the show and seeing Azazel's extremely super fancy sports car. The only thing better than mentoring your pimp-to-be compatriot is handing him his own pimp-mobile. It just seems- well- kitschy and thus so perfect. Also the motorcycle girl scenes from Golden Boy.

 

[MnemoD]

I don't remember if I've ever mentioned it here- but for a long while I dated a woman (who I now have a kid with).  Recently, she married and despite my feelings and awareness of being completely over her, it still managed to put a knife in my heart.  That is to say- I've only went on a date once since we separated.

Now, I'm usually liberal with my past traumas (in a way it's the only thing I feel helps), but I suppose it's fair to say that my feelings on the matter are superseded by my duty as a parent.  The way I told my boss the other night, "I'd rather be alone than disrupt her (my daughter's) life / date someone who doesn't understand me."

Obviously, this is all even more superseded by the fact I live in rural North America- in the bible belt.  I am neither a Christian, nor do my standards for love fall into the ideal.  I hate marriage- I hate the idea of monogamy.  People lying to one another- being happy with one another.

Maybe they're all just excuses- because I'm scared of being alone- using logic to explain it away.

 

[Lord Raa]

Consider this argument for monogamy: Having someone just for you to make you feel special.

That said, it's International Men's Day, so talking about your problems is a good way to help with things. Remember what the biggest killer of men under 50 is: Suicide.

 

[MnemoD]

Consider this argument for monogamy: Having someone just for you to make you feel special.

That said, it's International Men's Day, so talking about your problems is a good way to help with things. Remember what the biggest killer of men under 50 is: Suicide.

Counterargument: Harem modo means MANY SOMEONES JUST FOR YOU TO MAKE YOU FEEL SPECIAL.  (AKA: Selfish bastard mode.)

Still, I appreciate it, Raa.  Just felt down on myself.  I wish my brain chemistry was normal.

EDIT:

Not to say non-equal poly relationships are OK. I believe in group-relationships / people freely being able to love and be loved. In an ideal world, we'd be less hung up on who was with whom and etc.

 

[T.L]

Ah yes Harem modo, that wondrous Nirvana that most men crave.
It's a pity that they forget that when you have more than one woman in a household, their cycles start to match up.
Oh yes, that's what we really need a plethora of homicidal women all on their period, all pissed off with the same male.

 

[MnemoD]

Ah yes Harem modo, that wondrous Nirvana that most men crave.
It's a pity that they forget that when you have more than one woman in a household, their cycles start to match up.
Oh yes, that's what we really need a plethora of homicidal women all on their period, all pissed off with the same male.

So harem anime is real?

 

[T.L]

Ah yes Harem modo, that wondrous Nirvana that most men crave.
It's a pity that they forget that when you have more than one woman in a household, their cycles start to match up.
Oh yes, that's what we really need a plethora of homicidal women all on their period, all pissed off with the same male.

So harem anime is real?

Hardly,
Polygamy is permitted in Islamic countries. I believe as long as you can support more than one partner then that's ok.
Polyandry however is hardly known about and is practiced in the Himalayan areas of Nepal, China, and India, especially fraternal polyandry.

 

[MnemoD]

Ah yes Harem modo, that wondrous Nirvana that most men crave.
It's a pity that they forget that when you have more than one woman in a household, their cycles start to match up.
Oh yes, that's what we really need a plethora of homicidal women all on their period, all pissed off with the same male.

So harem anime is real?

Hardly,
Polygamy is permitted in Islamic countries. I believe as long as you can support more than one partner then that's ok.
Polyandry however is hardly known about and is practiced in the Himalayan areas of Nepal, China, and India, especially fraternal polyandry.

No, I know that much- I was making a crack about violent women in harem anime.

 

[T.L]

*snorts*
My wife is Yandere for 26 weeks of the year, for the other 26 weeks she is Tsundere.
She rotates between the two every two weeks.
Oh yeah my life is a living hell,


I look at things now in retrospect, I sometime wish the snake just killed me.

I'm praying every night for menopause at this stage.

Please god just let it be over.

 

[MnemoD]

*snorts*
My wife is Yandere for 26 weeks of the year, for the other 26 weeks she is Tsundere.
She rotates between the two every two weeks.
Oh yeah my life is a living hell,


I look at things now in retrospect, I sometime wish the snake just killed me.

I'm praying every night for menopause at this stage.

Please god just let it be over.

And people wonder why I think marriage is a lie.  You know what you must do- obey the Shinji Ikari Guide to Living With a -Dere

 

[ThreadWeaver]

Marriage as we currently know it is a lie. I am firmly of the opinion that somewhere in the history of those that were writing the original Bible, a jealous controlling woman was sitting behind them when they wrote of marriage passages. "You aren't getting any for months if you don't..."
"Yes, Dear..."

Our current views of marriage are a marketing trick. An entire, and very very profitable, industry is based on weddings and the marriage. In short, there is money to be made so they'll get us to believe ANYTHING to make them more money. Once the tens of thousands of dollars of wedding are barely paid for, the couple soon realize that marriage isn't the bodice ripper (or porn mag) romance that they hoped it would be, and won't ever be without lots and lots of work on BOTH parties. Most are too lazy for that. Remember: Women go into a relationship hoping the man will change, and they never do. Men go into the relationship hoping women will never change, and they always do.

Monogamy is against everything a man's genes scream at him to do, and even the syncing of womens' periods means evolution thinks they benefit from a multi partner relationship (or an incredibly tight clan) as now there's more women to help with the kids (pregnancies at the same time mean multiple women to nurse in case there's a problem with one or they are out gathering). Yes, barefoot and pregnant is both used as an feminist offensive slam and is not like how things are anymore, but it's how they WERE for thousands or millions of years in our past, or we wouldn't have those urges. Men have the urge to sow their oats with as many women as possible. Women have the urge to find a male that can support her family, and if he is lacking in her mind may find another (read: exciting) man to sire the kids the first man will be expected to support. This gave rise to the current tendency of women to refer to men as either boyfriend material (exciting) or husband material (stable, financial or otherwise). Both sets of urges are against Christianity and are conveniently explained away as forces of the devil.

My rules for relationships: I don't care what goes on (gender, number, etc) as long as the following conditions are met:
1) No one was coerced into the relationship, either with lies, misrepresentation or force.
2) No one gets hurt by being in the relationship. In other words no malicious physical, financial, or emotional abuse. If pain is your kink, well, that would be the exception as long as participants are responsible.
3) No one is forced to remain in the relationship if they ultimately find it toxic to their well being. 'Til death do us part is directly contradictory to this.

Personally I don't believe that a person should have more than two partners. It's unfair to them. It's hard to have the third+ be anything other than visibly lesser when in public. How many arms does a person have to hold others? Two. How many sides to sleep by? Two. You get the picture.

After nearly 20 years of marriage I have come to the conclusion I can't make one happy, let alone multiples, so those dreams and genetic urges get viciously crushed, ground and burned. Frankly some days I wonder if I'd rather be alone in a cabin in the woods with my internet. As others have observed similarly with their ladies, she goes from manic depressive self loathing in her day to day to nearly psychotically depressed and bawling every month. It's unsettling and traumatic for all involved so yes, I dream of menopause as well.

For IWho, I would guess some of your pain and depression derives from both anger and jealousy that she was able to move on but you weren't. Staying the way you are lets her win. As I say to myself, being angry, depressed, or morose over a situation means that the one who caused it wins, even if that win is only in your own mind. We all at some point have to accept that we failed at something. It's how we move on from it that makes the difference in how happy we end up. Yes, it takes work, but we have to accept that things can't be as they were and it's up to ourselves to make things better for our own lives.

 

[MnemoD]

Marriage as we currently know it is a lie.  I am firmly of the opinion that somewhere in the history of those that were writing the original Bible, a jealous controlling woman was sitting behind them when they wrote of marriage passages.  "You aren't getting any for months if you don't..."
"Yes, Dear..."

Our current views of marriage are a marketing trick.  An entire, and very very profitable, industry is based on weddings and the marriage.  In short, there is money to be made so they'll get us to believe ANYTHING to make them more money.  Once the tens of thousands of dollars of wedding are barely paid for, the couple soon realize that marriage isn't the bodice ripper (or porn mag) romance that they hoped it would be, and won't ever be without lots and lots of work on BOTH parties.  Most are too lazy for that.  Remember: Women go into a relationship hoping the man will change, and they never do.  Men go into the relationship hoping women will never change, and they always do.

Monogamy is against everything a man's genes scream at him to do, and even the syncing of womens' periods means evolution thinks they benefit from a multi partner relationship (or an incredibly tight clan) as now there's more women to help with the kids (pregnancies at the same time mean multiple women to nurse in case there's a problem with one or they are out gathering).  Yes, barefoot and pregnant is both used as an feminist offensive slam and is not like how things are anymore, but it's how they WERE for thousands or millions of years in our past, or we wouldn't have those urges.  Men have the urge to sow their oats with as many women as possible.  Women have the urge to find a male that can support her family, and if he is lacking in her mind may find another (read: exciting) man to sire the kids the first man will be expected to support.  This gave rise to the current tendency of women to refer to men as either boyfriend material (exciting) or husband material (stable, financial or otherwise).  Both sets of urges are against Christianity and are conveniently explained away as forces of the devil.

My rules for relationships:  I don't care what goes on (gender, number, etc) as long as the following conditions are met:
1) No one was coerced into the relationship, either with lies, misrepresentation or force.
2) No one gets hurt by being in the relationship.  In other words no malicious physical, financial, or emotional abuse. If pain is your kink, well, that would be the exception as long as participants are responsible.
3) No one is forced to remain in the relationship if they ultimately find it toxic to their well being.  'Til death do us part is directly contradictory to this.

Personally I don't believe that a person should have more than two partners.  It's unfair to them.  It's hard to have the third+ be anything other than visibly lesser when in public.  How many arms does a person have to hold others? Two.  How many sides to sleep by? Two.  You get the picture.

After nearly 20 years of marriage I have come to the conclusion I can't make one happy, let alone multiples, so the dreams and genetic urges get viciously crushed, ground and burned.  Frankly some days I wonder if I'd rather be alone in a cabin in the woods with my internet.  As others have observed similarly with their ladies, she goes from manic depressive self loathing in her day to day to nearly psychotically depressed and bawling every month.  It's unsettling and traumatic for all involved so yes, I dream of menopause as well.

For IWho, I would guess some of your pain and depression derives from both anger and jealousy that she was able to move on but you weren't.  Staying the way you are lets her win.  As I say to myself, being angry, depressed, or morose over a situation means that the one who caused it wins, even if that win is only in your own mind.   We all at some point have to accept that we failed at something.  It's how we move on from it that makes the difference in how happy we end up.  Yes, it takes work, but we have to accept that things can't be as they were and it's up to ourselves to make things better for our own lives.

:mmm: