Ranma ½ Only 1/2 Dead ch 1

[Shadowbakasama]

Only Half Dead

By Paul Bennett a.k.a. Shadowbakasama


Chapter 1: Left for Dead

æThey are so going to pay if I live thou this.Æ I thought to myself as a lay bleeding out on the ground. æIt had been a set up, I should have known that Akane was acting too nice. She wanted me to take her to an action movie and then we walked through the park on the way home. No fighting, thatÆs what should have tipped me off, she didnÆt even argue about which movie we saw, like it didnÆt matter. She didnÆt even raise a fuss about the popcorn, giant coke, and a large order of nachos that I had, probably her letting me have a last supper, the bitch.Æ

Hearing a wind and a rush he rolled over to see the sky as he died. Looking up Saotome Ranma was disappointed to see that the stars were hidden behind the clouds.

ôRain.ö Ranma rasped out. ôIt figures.ö He says with his last breath.

æThe Kami must hate me.Æ The mortally wounded martial artist thought. æIÆm going to die in a minute, but itÆs going to be as a girl. I might end up as a Jane Doe, not even given the proper rites and Mom will never know what happened to me.Æ

Already feeling cold from loss of blood Ranma couldnÆt hear his heartbeat anymore. He couldnÆt tell if his vision was dimming because it was an overcast night, but he did feel the rain, it was so very cold.

 

[SimmyC]

I'm having a hard time deciphering what is going on. One thing that needs SERIOUS work for this preview would be grammar. At the moment, I might even go as far as say that it is unreadable. And I'm putting it a little lightly given that if one of the Grammar Nazis arrive, they would be even MORE harsh than what I just said.

The other issue being that it is a short preview. I'm not sure what direction this story is heading. Of course, even if you did continue it beyond what you have here, I would have a hard time reading it due to the terrible grammar here. My advice? Polish up on some basic grammar lessons, or get a very patient beta reader.

 

[Lord Raa]

Ok, so you're going down the "Ranma is betrayed and/or killed by Akane" route.

Fair enough, but this has been done many times before; what makes your story different to, say, "The Bitter End" ?

 

[Moshulel]

Ok...

Not going to comment on grammar, it's not my place to do so, (I have my own problems there. :sweat: ) but i do have to remark that the preview is short, very short.

 

[Shadowbakasama]

This one is going to be a bit of a mystery. There are dark plots at work and not all is as it seems.

Really, I'm not an Akane fan, but she isn't a cold blooded killer. Just remember that Ranma has been fooled by fake Akanes at least twice before, the hot springs doll and Kiima. Strangely enough both were trying to kill him, but were nicer to him than the real Akane. Go figure.

I suppose I actually wrote this teaser like this as flame bait. B)

 

[Mighty Bob]

Well, it's truly too short and the grammar too rough. But...


Would you prefer Napalm or Gasoline? :flameon:


Seriously though, your set up is too short and really vague. Lots of people have gone the route of Akane leading Ranma to his doom. All for a variety of reasons. Not that I can give any links to these, but it has been done.

Only other thing(s) I have to say is that even if he was betrayed by Akane and left to die, the thoughts seem a little too OOC to be Ranma. And I can't put my finger on it, but something seems pretty off about your first person perspective. Might want to either polish that a bit or switch to third person.

 

[cilrais]

It's still better than 70% of fanfiction.net

 

[SimmyC]

It's still better than 70% of fanfiction.net

<_< Sad, but so true. So VERY true. :headbanger:

 

[Moshulel]

It's still better than 70% of fanfiction.net

<_< Sad, but so true. So VERY true. :headbanger:

:headbanger: :headbanger: :headbanger:

Yes... FF.net is the Mecca of stupidity.

The fics that are worth reading are few and far across. <_<

 

[toraneko]

I'd like to comment on the content of this fic, really I would. But there's a problem: there's not enough there for me to make a judgement.

I can say you need to tighten up your punctuation, spelling, and grammar. I'll have the other side of my brain ready to run through that part tomorrow, I think.

 

[Hawk]

> æThey are so going to pay if I live thou this.Æ

live through this.


> I thought to myself as a lay bleeding

as I lay bleeding


> She didnÆt even raise a fuss about the popcorn, giant coke, and a large order
> of nachos

Do the japanese even allow you to bring messy'n crumbly stuff like that into the movie theatre? I'm not 100% sure, so perhaps it's allowed. But if it is, it strikes me as odd snacks for a japanese movie theater to sell. The popcorn and coke, okay. But nachos?


> Hearing a wind and a rush

Reads a bit odd. I'd recommend something along the lines of "Hearing the wind and a rustle of leaves" instead.


That's what came to me as I hastily read this through.

It's an old premise that's been done before, but I am hardly one to give other people flak for that, as I do that myself with nearly every single story I write. So I'll settle for saying that I'd like to see more and will be interested to see your take on this premise.