Original Fiction Competition Launch!

#26
Er, I did submit it here. Here's a link to that post:

http://thefanfictionforum.net/showthread.php?tid=20055&pid=1190664#pid1190664

^ I just forgot how to make the link look like words, so it might not have looked like an actual submission--but it is there. And with that I'm going to bed, good luck with the rest of the judging.
 

chronodekar

Obsessively signs his posts
Staff member
#27
And finally my verdict for zerohour's "The Path of Wands". I don't see a mention of which card he planned to use, so off the bat,

Theme = 0 /5 points.

Seriously, who is this guy? Obviously hasn't even read the rules ...
(At the very least, I'm not sure what card(s) he's using in the story)

grammar issues;

They lived in poor land,
This seems to be repeated a few times. Is it deliberate? At least, to me

is better. Thought, if the ' is needed at all is another issue entirely...

He sped up a bit, hoping to
In the above, rewriting it with "hoping to-" will make the reader think there's an interruption, instead of thinking that it was a typing mistake.

Only on the rarest occasions would
Again here. Did you make a mistake in copy-pasting?

In general I like the story. For some reason, it feels rather long. Though, that might be because I was forced to take a few hours break between starting and finishing the chapter. Here are my scores,

Grammar - 15 / 20
Plot - 25 / 25

Total = 40 / 50

-chronodekar
 

H-Man

Random phantom.
#28
I'm going to clarify that I'm using only the meaning of the card, not the name at all. The Lovers is the card about choices, right? The climax (which I'm writing next; not going to get past three chapters, unfortunately) is going to be clearer about it... but well, I didn't like much that I was taking a negative value on the points.

Edit for clarification: I was using the following lines as my guide for the meaning of this:

-Two choices are involved with the card. First, your soul or psyche is making its choice.
-Now the rest of you, the demands of your life, your emotional heart, passionate soul, can agree or not. That's the other choice.
-But you will also know that it comes at a cost.
-Yet you can say "no" to this attraction. You do have that choice. If, however, you don't allow yourself to try and make this person, career, challenge or thing a part of your life, you may regret it, profoundly and forever.

The actual choices will be explained in the last chapter, don't worry, just take that in account.

(...not my fault the damn card has such a name.)
 

QE1

Well-Known Member
#29
Bah, will be another day late. Hopefully it's worth the wait.
 

QE1

Well-Known Member
#31
Ch2 posted

I believe I completed two of the bonus tropes this week, and posted 2 days late. I will leave that to the judges though.
 

zerohour

Well-Known Member
#32

H-Man

Random phantom.
#33
Magellan, chapter three done.

Man, I sure wish I had had more time to work on this, else I wouldn't have to write a chapter four... but was busy most of the week, so...
 

QE1

Well-Known Member
#34
Hate to be late again but another day will make a huge difference in the quality. So I'll take the point loss.
 
#35
*sigh*

Well, I suppose thus ends my streak of starting on these at nine and coming in just under the wire... I could just kick myself.
 

QE1

Well-Known Member
#36
ch3 is posted

It's weird. I considered action scenes as my greatest writing strength, but I haven't done very many yet. Oh well, the last chapter should be good assuming I can tie all of the knots together.
 

zerohour

Well-Known Member
#37
Scores for all three chapters of Magellan. Should have the other two stories evaluated shortly.

Magellan

Chapter 1:

Grammar: 8/10

Took off a bit due to the repeated use of “intruder.” You also had a few bits of awkward phrasing lurking around, but overall pretty good.

Plot: 12/15
It's certainly interesting, I'll give you that. I was quite amused by the interactions of the fun loving invader, and the stick in the mud Magellan.

I'm curious how he drew the conclusion that he was Magellan. Was it simly because he said ti was his castle, and he's known around the town, or was there some deeper meaning? Might want to make it a bit more clear, though it could be just me. If it was simple you might want to say “So you must be Magellan!” instead.

Not really sure what was happening with the potion. Was the fact that it went cold supposed to ruin it or something? Be a little bit clearer about this.


Characters: 15/15
While there were only two characters, it was certainly interesting to see them interact. It was nice to see Magellan start showing off and bragging a bit as it went on. Eleazar seems to be worming his way into his good graces somehow, and I'm curious to see how it progresses.

Theme: 10/10
I really like that you used the Lovers without making them lovers (So far anyways.) You seem to be drawing a bit more on the yin/yang aspects rather than the name of the card, which is nice. Magellan seems to have a good foil to his buried in books mindset, and I'm curious to see if this turns out as an “Odd Couple” setup, or if the two will mediate each other and reach a balance.

Tropes: 0/5
I didn't see any of this week's tropes, so no bonus points.


Chapter 2:

Grammar: 9/10
Pretty good. No major complaints. Any issues remain minor and could easily just be my own personal preferences.

Plot: 13/15

Maybe it's just me, but the potion is really making me wonder. Might want to say what exactly happened with it. Things seem to be progressing, though Magellan doesn't seem to recognize it yet. Eleazar being put on the defensive shows that he's not in complete control of the situation, which is a good thing, and emphasizes the potential parity between them. Seemed like a lot of it was mroe of the same though.

Characters: 13/15
While the interactions between them remain interesting, and I thoroughly enjoyed it, it feels a bit limited to me. While there really isn't any reason for Magellan to leave his castle and meet other people, you think he would have someone to talk to at some point. Servants to take care of menial chores, a spirit to bounce ideas off of, a simulacrum he's trying to piece together... something! The characters are defined by their interactions with each other, and while it is entertaining to watch it develop, there's more to each of them than that! What is Eleazar like when he's not messing with Magellan? How does Magellan act when he doesn't have Eleazar complicating his life?


Theme: 10/10
Good to see Magellan isn't the only one being surprised. It seems that Eleazar is influencing him, and their matches are making Magellan improve himself, even if he doesn't realize it. I'm curious to learn what Eleazar is getting out of their relationship, and hope to find out soon.

Tropes: 2/5
I think Eleazar flying around counts for Power Floats, but I didn't see any of the others.



Chapter 3:

Grammar: 8/10
How is a stench enticing? You just said that he had to work to get used to it, and needed magic to give him fresh air. Perhaps the anticipation of the fruits of his labor?

“Eleazar had somehow moved in front of him, were it not for the fact that his stance was that of someone standing as opposed to someone running.”

Not really sure what this is supposed to mean. Could be the phrasing or maybe something got left off.

Again, overall, pretty good. No major spelling or grammar errors, just a few patches that seem a bit rough or awkward, and could use soem work.

Plot: 11/15
Behold! The Twist! I wasn't really expecting that Magellan was the evil wizard. He seemed like he was the bookish librarian type who just wanted to be left along with his research. Eleazar as some random mage who just wants to have fun also got blown out of the water. I can't wait to see how it all ends!

On the other hand, there is some vagueness about what is happening outside of their interactions. What is Astraol? Why does Magellan want to conquer the country? What is Eleazar, exactly? While some mystery is a good thing, it generates a bit if detachment from the story as I spend time trying to figure out what is happening, and what the other pieces on the board are.


Characters: 12/15
Learning a bit more about Eleazar and Magellan both, though Eleazar leaves me with more questions. The plot twist certainly enabled more character development for both of them, but it still doesn't give you a complete sense of who they are. We don't know why Magellan want to overthrow the nation, we don't know why Eleazar is trying to stop him beyond the Astraol (whatever that is.) We do see that Eleazar wants to save Magellan from the path he is choosing,

Theme: 9/10
You're drawing a bit more on the choice aspect of this card. Does Eleazar stick with the tried and true solution or try to find a better way? Seeing Magellan come up with ways to counter Eleazar's attacks shows that there is some level of understanding between them, to the point where they can anticipate or counter the other, but we didn't really see that too much from Eleazar. I would like to see a bit more of Magellan surprising him and having Eleazar come up with a solution rather than Magellan being the only one countering. While Eleazar has to use new methods to get at Magellan, it seems that he's swapping out for bigger guns than coming up with a new solution.

Tropes: 0/5
I suppose the demons could be the Forbidden Fruit, but it was only mentioned in passing and didn't really have a chance to be anything other than window dressing. Sorry.


Chapter One: 45

Chapter Two: 47

Chapter Three: 40

Total: 132/150
 

zerohour

Well-Known Member
#38
Broken Laurels:

Chapter 1:

Grammar: 9/10
Couple of minor issues. Nothing really problematic as far as I can tell.

Plot: 10/15
This seemed like mostly setup to what is to come in the next few chapters. There are a lot of interesting threads dangling that I want to hear more about, but not too much is happening at the moment. Really want to see the third branch of the royal family. Maybe this Herman guy? Good job settign the scene, but I hope the pace picks up a bit in the next chapter.

Characters: 11/15
Not much to say about them, since we only really saw Erik and the king, and most of the focus was on Erik. He seems and interesting fellow, and a bit worn down with the trappings of politics and ceremony. As I said before, this seems like mostly setup fo rth emeat of the story, so I don't really think I got a godo job understanding the characters as a result.

Theme: 10/10
Not sure how to interpret the Emperor and the Fool. Is it a foolish Emperor? An empire about to be reborn? Either way, I'm interested to see how in plays out and how well you can use the theme.

Tropes: 0/5
No sign of any of them.


Chapter 2:

Grammar: 10/10
No issues that I could see.

Plot: 10/15
It's becoming clearer that your taking a more hands off approach to the story, so you can paint a bigger picture than just following around a character or two. Again though, it seems like not too much is happening. I'm starting to think that you're painting a picture rather than making a movie, to use a metaphor. While intriguing, it doesn't really catch my interest if nothing really happens.

Characters: 12/15

A bit more interactions between characters, and gives us a better idea of who Erik is. A bit more well rounded since we get to see him

Theme: 8/10
Seems to be focusing mainly on the Emperor Card, and the empire as whole. Not really seeing the fool too much.

Tropes: 0/5
No tropes seen.

Chapter 3:


Grammar: 10/10
No issues that I noticed again. Keep up the quality!

Plot: 10/15
As previously stated, it interests me, but there isn't too much movement. Thinsg are happening, but nothing is changes. The orcs keep attacking, the soldiers fight them off, and nothing really changes. Hopefully, something big happens in the climatic final chapter, but I guess I'll have to wait and see...

Characters: 12/15
The characters seem interesting, and it was nice to get the perspective of the king. He reminds me a bit of the mayor from Majora's Mask. Still no idea who the Third Laurel is. For Erik, there doesn't seem to be much advancement, just showing off more of what he already has as opposed to evolving as a character.

Theme: 8/10
Again the theme of the order of the kingdom and empire seems to be the main focus. Not really seeing the Fool at all.

Tropes: 0/5
 

zerohour

Well-Known Member
#39
The Sun Rises

Chapter One:

Grammar: 10/10
Didn't see any issues.

Plot: 15/15
Lots of stuff is happening, with a lot of unknown back story that I can only assume will be revealed as the story progresses. I'm looking forward to what happens next!


Characters: 8/15
You seem to be lacking the in depth development of the other authors. It seems to me a lot of this is just action, without having a chance to explore who the characters are. While an action packed plot isn't a bad thing, and it does have my attention, it does have the side effect of making the characters seem a bit bland and generic. Still it's the first chapter, so this sort of thing is to be expected.

Theme: 7/10
I'm operating under the assumption that Thunderbolt is the Sun character, and this is essentially a journey for him to fully realize his power and be the hero he's supposed to be. On th eother hand, perhaps he's the light for the league of super heroes. Guess I'll have to wait and see.

Tropes: 2/5
Maybe the family switcheroo, but I can't say for sure. Something is up with Thunderbolt's family. That's for sure. I'll give the points for now.

Chapter 2:

Grammar: 10/10
Everything seems fine.

Plot: 12/15
Things slowed down a lot here, but it served to give us an idea of what Thunderbolt's going to do with himself. Learning the ropes of being a superhero and passing through all of the training to accomplish it is a vital step on the road to super heroism. While not exactly gripping, it was interesting, and served to give me a better idea on how superheroes work in this setup.

Characters: 11/15

Well, without all the action around, we got a little more development on the characters. Still felt like they were a bit like cardboard cutouts, but it seemed better than the first chapter. Having the characters interacting instead of reacting to the villain allowed me to better gauge their personalities. It seems that Dazzle is getting more attached to Thunderbolt.

The other heroes seem a bit bland, but considering the focus is on Thunderbolt and Dazzle, it isn't surprising. There's only so much you can do when it's a member of the supporting cast.

For some reason, I feel Fledgling is the one with the most character development, despite being mainly a background character so far. I don't know what it is, but having Thunderbolt surpass him repeatedly gives me the feeling that there is some major resentment stirring not so deep beneath the surface.

Theme: 10/10
The Sun certainly seems to be in full effect right now. Thunderbolt is reveling in his powers, and doing everything he can to improve himself and shine even brighter.

Tropes: 5/5
Resentful guardian: Check!
Power Floats: Check!




Chapter 3:

Grammar: 9/10
No major issues, but you did call Blue Eagle Blue Hawk at the end.

Plot: 10/15
Time skip, huh? Not Necessarily a bad thing, though I feel there could have been a lot of development without skipping forward. Not much is happening here, just seems like catching up on the missing years and showing what has been happening since then. No mention of super villain dad, resentful mom, or anything really outside of Thunderbolt and Dazzle's relationship, and the teen awkwardness that ensues.

Characters: 10/15

Introducing a new character for Thunderbolt's love interest makes sense, since I really didn't see him hooking up with Dazzle. It seems that the resentment Fledgling felt towards Thunderbolt for surpassing him has evaporated, except perhaps by being a bit territorial with his girlfriend. Got a bit of insight into Thunderbolt, but nothing particularly pronounced. No sign of Golden Eagle, Hammerblow, or Spike either.

Theme: 10/10
A celebration seems to suit the Sun, and Thunderbolt seems to have really come into himself. Looking forward to see him in action.

Tropes: 0/5
Didn't see any this time. Let me know if I just missed them.
 

H-Man

Random phantom.
#40
zerohour said:
“Eleazar had somehow moved in front of him, were it not for the fact that his stance was that of someone standing as opposed to someone running.”

Not really sure what this is supposed to mean. Could be the phrasing or maybe something got left off.
Well, normally when you move forward you're running, walking, or what-not, you don't just *appear* in front of someone...

zerohour said:
I suppose the demons could be the Forbidden Fruit, but it was only mentioned in passing and didn't really have a chance to be anything other than window dressing. Sorry.
Eleazar's dialogue implies he considers Magellan the 'Forbidden Fruit' in that he knew trying to befriend him might lead to something much worse and he should just not bother, but he couldn't resist the idea of trying. Or at least was meant to.
 

QE1

Well-Known Member
#43
Ch4 done

It's done. This was brutal for me, I'm still getting used to writing and it was certainly tough to stick with a deadline. I'm not completely happy with the way it turned out but I'm pleased that I did it.
 

zerohour

Well-Known Member
#44
Well, one hour late to call the end thanks to unexpected traffic. That brings us to the fine tuning stage of this. Next due date for a "Final" draft is next Sunday, unless authors and judges feel that isn't enough time.

Speaking of time, I should probably really crank it this week...

Edit: Anyone seen Hali or violin? Hali's missing hr last chapter, and violin's missing his... everything.
 

violinmana

(Hardcore) Gamer
#45
Sorry, my job's been cut down to 2 days a week, and I've been scrambling to supplement my income with side-jobs/Magic the Gathering.

Aka, no real time to write this month. Sorry about that. My prize money is still on the table though.
 

Halibel Lecter

Well-Known Member
#46
I got back to campus at 2130 last night, and didn't want to submit something rushed. My final chapter will be up tonight.
 

zerohour

Well-Known Member
#47
Good idea to take the extra time. Glad to see you learned from your crazy rushing of the first few chapters. Just don't get complacent, or you'll end up leaving it to stew for a few weeks before desperately trying to complete it at the last minute.

(now who does that remind you of?):p

@violinmana: Sorry to hear that you won't be submitting anything. Would additional time help at all? While you pretty much can't win the prize at this point (-46 penalty and counting), it will probably take us some time to organize everything before we can publish, so if you can get it done before that point, we can still include it. (Probably...)

Edit: Part Two of The Path of Wands has been posted. I give it a -15/50 due to lateness. Other chapters will be scored later tonight or tomorrow depending on how much work I get done on the other late chapters...
 

violinmana

(Hardcore) Gamer
#48
I might be able to get something up, but it'll take at least a week. I'll talk to you and Meinos about it later this week.

It's hard to say, but most of my initial energy for this has been taken away and re-purposed into finding more work.
 

Meinos Kaen

Well-Known Member
#49
And here I am. Sorry for the delay, guys, but the backlog of stuff I had for the time I was in England was bigger than I thought. Coupled with work, it left me with more to do than what I suspected.

The judgment is almost done, though. You'll have your points yet.
 

Meinos Kaen

Well-Known Member
#50
Sorry for the double post. First story, completely judged... Magellan!

[Card: The lovers]

Chapter 1

Grammar: 14/15 (Didn’t find any errors whatsoever, but at certain points you could have used better wording to better engage the reader. But just at certain points.)

Characters: 12/15 (Eleazar is highly entertaining, and I like his description. I guess I’m a sucker for double scarves. :D Magellan, though... I don’t know, it’s like he’s missing something. Also, at times he acts like he’s a rickety old man, but according to Eleazar he’s supposed to be young. I can’t get a fix on him, but it doesn’t damage his comedic potential.)

Plot: 15/15 (Now, this is really interesting. With just these few paragraphs, you managed to get through what the setting is and the basics of the plot, and then you threw us a curve ball on top of the still juicy unanswered questions. Full points!)

Chapter 2

Grammar: 15/15 (Full points. Could find no errors and the narration flows smoothly.)

Characters: 13/15 (Again, there’s the matter of inconsistency. This time it’s not Magellan, -except with how he refers to Eleazar by name, that seems weird if he wants to be disrespectful and since he’s known him for so little- but Eleazar, who sometimes breaks his brat-act.)

Plot: 11/15 (It keeps on being interesting, but there’s the fact that you’ve used dialogue from the characters for exposition and at times it felt forced, unnatural.)

Chapter 3

Grammar: 14/15 (Aaah, if it wasn’t for just that ‘plans to the world’. It’s plans for the world.)

Characters: 15/15 (With the timeskip and what we know of the two, the characterization now makes complete sense to me. Good banter, too)

Plot: 15/15 (The background and secrets revealed are very interesting, even if I wasn’t exactly sold on the power levels and how the fight was progressing, but then BAM! Technology, biatch! Great battle twist!)

Chapter 4

Grammar: 15/15 (Found no errors and the flow is uninterrupted.)

Characters: 15/15 (The characters keep in character with what we’ve seen of them until now, no discrepancies at all.)

Plot: 10/15 (Darn... And it was going so well. The ending left too many open questions. Some you can ignore -the ones you usually leave for a sequel-, but some will nag at my mind for weeks, now. Also, during the fight scenes, you couldn’t always understand what was going on. For example, while I’m sure Eleazar knows what the ‘opposite of a fireball’ is, it’s not that clear to a reader. The pacing suffers for it. Also, the ending was... I won’t say unsatisfying, but not exactly of the same value as the rest of the story.)

And now... Theme!

Theme: 16/20 (I don’t exactly understand which part of the Lovers’ card you were going for, so I tried to compare it to all of them that I could get from that site. I guess what you were going for was choice and things coming together and apart. It happens quite frequently during the story, even if it seems like the only one who’s making a choice has been Eleazar. He chose to try and be Magellan’s friend instead of just killing him outright... But he didn’t exactly go at it the most efficient way. All in all, while I can’t in good conscience give this full points for Theme, it feels like that Theme enough to not penalize it completely.)

Total = 14+12+15+15+13+11+14+15+15+15+15+10+16 =

180
 
Top