You might want to hold off on the printing of the books (not like were moving at breakneck speed though.)
Meinos mentioned he would get a professional editor, so we should probably wait to hear from him on that end first. We do want this to be as good as it possibly can before we get stuff printed.
Also, make sure that you post scores. We need those last hundred points!
Magellan:
Chapter One and Two:
Going back, there were indications that Magellan was a bad guy from the start. It's out in plain sight, but it was slipped in rather obliquely amid the chaos Eleazar was causing. Well played. Didn't really notice any major grammatical issues, but then there weren't any the first time around either. I'm also noticing a power vs. finesse vibe between the mages this time around.
Chapter Three and Four:
Re-reading it, it seemed a lot clunkier than before. You didn't really have time to develop the magic system extensively, but it felt like you were putting a lot of lore and principles into this part. It's easy to skim over it to read the action, but going over it once more it detracted a bit from it.
Overall: The magic system seems to be a bit jumpy. Sometimes they say words, others they only need to think them or gesture. You've got the four elements, space, time, holy creatures. demons... it's all over the place it seems. There's nothing wrong with magic being able to do everything, but it needs development for that. It got especially bad at the end when they were duking it out. Seemed to get a bit more technical
Grammar: 18/20
Characters: 34/40
Again, I feel there should have been a few more characters for them to interact with. Nothing major, but we only see them when they're at each others throats. It was well done, but there's got to be more to them than the conflict.
Plot: 32/40
Again, I really like the plot, but the magic system just seemed a bit off, and given that it was a major part of the story...
Total: 84/100
Next two will be done tomorrow! I fucking promise!!!
Meinos mentioned he would get a professional editor, so we should probably wait to hear from him on that end first. We do want this to be as good as it possibly can before we get stuff printed.
Also, make sure that you post scores. We need those last hundred points!
Magellan:
Chapter One and Two:
Going back, there were indications that Magellan was a bad guy from the start. It's out in plain sight, but it was slipped in rather obliquely amid the chaos Eleazar was causing. Well played. Didn't really notice any major grammatical issues, but then there weren't any the first time around either. I'm also noticing a power vs. finesse vibe between the mages this time around.
Chapter Three and Four:
Re-reading it, it seemed a lot clunkier than before. You didn't really have time to develop the magic system extensively, but it felt like you were putting a lot of lore and principles into this part. It's easy to skim over it to read the action, but going over it once more it detracted a bit from it.
Overall: The magic system seems to be a bit jumpy. Sometimes they say words, others they only need to think them or gesture. You've got the four elements, space, time, holy creatures. demons... it's all over the place it seems. There's nothing wrong with magic being able to do everything, but it needs development for that. It got especially bad at the end when they were duking it out. Seemed to get a bit more technical
Grammar: 18/20
Characters: 34/40
Again, I feel there should have been a few more characters for them to interact with. Nothing major, but we only see them when they're at each others throats. It was well done, but there's got to be more to them than the conflict.
Plot: 32/40
Again, I really like the plot, but the magic system just seemed a bit off, and given that it was a major part of the story...
Total: 84/100
Next two will be done tomorrow! I fucking promise!!!