Bleach Peer Review Omake Thread

[Andrew Joshua Talon]

The basic idea: Pick a few characters (anyone you want, and don't be afraid to switch off) from Bleach, and post messages back and forth in relation to Bjorn's hilarious "Peer Reviews". Just like in the original thread, basically. This new game is not a continuance of the old one, but a restart.

Begin!


Captain Unohana Retsu to All Captains:

For the record, everyone, I humbly advise you all to settle any future differences or disagreements in a peaceful, mature manner. The casualties from the incident following Captain Zaraki's report are nearly as severe as the ones incurred from the Ryoka Invasion a few months ago. In one day. Again, I urge any personal vendettas to either be settled non-violently, or, failing that, in a designated training field. Thank you.

Sincerely,

Captain Unohana

Captain Unohana Retsu to Vice-Captain Abarai Renji:

I would like to remind you that your yearly physical is tomorrow, Vice-Captain. Please do not be late, I would prefer not to have to send someone for you like last time.

Vice-Captain Hinamori Momo to Captain Hitsugaya Toshiro:

Seriously Shiro-chan, if you're gay I won't mind. I'll love you either way! You don't have to be so defensive. Though I have to admit, the way you combined your Bankai with Captain Kurotsuchi and Captain Kuchiki's was incredible!

 

[Bjorn]

Vice Captain Hinamori Momo to Captain Hitsugaya Toshiro:

If You Were Gay

Love,
Momo

 

[SoftRogue]

3rd Seat Madarame Ikkaku to Vice Capitan Iba Tetsuzaemon

Damn, what's Capitan Unohana's problem anyway? I mean, that fight was pretty frickin' boring, if you ask me. I mean, sure, Kenpachi got to kick some ass, but I was bored to tears there! I mean, their Vice Capitans didn't have the balls to show up!

What a waste.

Vice Capitan Iba Tetsuzaemon to 3rd Seat Madarame Ikkaku

Feel free to mention your complaints to Capitan Unohana. Just remember that our yearly physicals are coming up.

3rd Seat Madarame Ikkaku to Vice Capitan Iba Tetsuzaemon

Bastard

 

[Andrew Joshua Talon]

Independant Arrancar Neliel Tu Oderschvank to Shinigami Representative Ichigo Kurosaki:

Ichigo-san, as I currently have no home, can I stay with you in the Living World for a while?

Vice-Captain Abarai Renji to Shinigami Representative Ichigo Kurosaki:

Hey, I need someplace to stay for a few days. You got any room?

Vice-Captain Kira Izuru to Vice-Captain Abarai Renji:

Take me with you or I'm squealing to Unohana.

Vice-Captain Abarai Renji to Vice-Captain Kira Izuru:

What the hell?! How did you find out?!

Vice-Captain Kira Izuru to Vice-Captain Abarai Renji:

Doesn't matter! All I know is I'm not letting that witch drain me of every one of my fluids!

Vice-Captain Abarai Renji to Vice-Captain Kira Izuru:

That sounds so wrong! Okay, okay, FINE. I'll take you with me! Just shut up, all right?

 

[~NGD OMEGA~]

Captain Hitsugaya to Captain Unohana

I wish to thank you for the medical aid I recieved after the incident with Kenpachi, and appologize for my immature behavior. I assure you a similar incident will not happen again, and I will appologize to Kenpachi shortly. However I would also like to ask for my clothes back, as I had to borrow VC Yachiru's, and not only are they too small, but I'm getting some wierd looks. I'm pretty sure someone in your division took them, and I assure you this is not funny.

Sincerely,

Captain Hitsugaya

Captain Hitsugaya to VC Hinamori

I assure you that any references to my sexual preferences by Kenpachi are not only untrue, but completely uncalled for. It's not my fault that the fact that Matsumoto complete disregard for dicipline and general drunken nature pretty much trump any physical attraction people have for her. Add that to the wierd way she's been acting lately and she's pretty much the last women I would want to touch. While there is nothing wrong with being gay, I'd ask that you stop spreading unfounded rumors that happen to be completely untrue.

I still don't understand how an Ice Dragon fused with a deformed caterpiller and a bunch of flower petals leads to an explosion on the same scale as an atomic bomb, but once I discover how Kenpachi will be the first to know.

Your friend,

Captain Hitsugaya

PS. And it's Captain Hitsugaya. Not Shiro-chan

Captain Hitsugaya to Arrancar-leader Gin

Are you sure you didn't do anything to mentally damage my Vice-Captain? She is constantly trying to get me to keep my hair down and keep my eyes closed more often. And for some reason she wants me to read this weird script at this old run down shack while she's dressed in rags. You do know that the number of reasons for me to track you down and kick your ass is rising right?

I hope you die,

Hitsugaya

Captain Hitsugaya to Captain Kenpachi

I wish to appoligize for my atrocious behavior in response to the peer edit you sent me. I also appoligize for all the damage I caused to you and your division upon the release of my Bankai in my anger at certain comments made about me. I wish for the best of luck to you, and the continued existence of your division.

Sincerely,

Hitsugaya Toshiro

Captain Hitsugaya to VC Yachiru

Here, Caffine.

 

[zerohour]

Captain Zaraki Kenpachi to Vice Captain Yachiru.

If I had known that insulting them would cause something like that, I would have done it sooner!? Go and dig up some more dirt on the other captains.? Let's see if we can get ourselves a 12 on one fight!!!

 

[Shikaze]

From Shinigami Representative Ichigo Kurosaki to Captain Soi-Fong :

Would you mind coming down here to visit Yoruichi ? I heard she's a friend of yours, and the grin she has when she looks at me lately is creepy...

 

[Andrew Joshua Talon]

From Captain Soi-Fong to Shinigami Representative Ichigo Kurosaki:

Grin? Exactly what kind of "grin"? What did you do to deserve a grin from Yoruichi-sama, huh? Speak!

Captain Retsu Unohana to Captain Hitsugaya:

You're quite welcome! As for your clothing, your vice-captain came by while you were unconscious and collected your uniform for cleaning and mending. Which was odd to me, as most of the laundry and tailoring is done in the Division 4 complex. Oh well, I hope that helps Captain Hitsugaya.

Sincerely,

Captain Unohana

VC Hinamori to Captain Hitsugaya:

Honestly Shiro-chan, you should lighten up a little. I was only kidding! And I'm calling you Shiro-chan and there's nothing you can do to make me quit. So there. Shiro-chan.

Well, you have to admit, you are very cute. Older women probably just can't help wanting to hug you. And I'm betting you like it more than you let on. After all, at your height you always get to be where nearly every other man in Soul Society wants to be when she hugs you.

Sincerely,

VC Hinamori

Arrancar-leader Gin to Captain Hitsugaya:

Well, little ice demon, if you really want to know, I'll tell ya. Rangiku's caught between her lust for me, and her shotacon tendencies for you. Sure, the sex was great, but all her requests for me to dress up in school boy outfits got a little creepy. Enjoy the ride kid.

Captain Retsu Unohana to All:

I would like to make it perfectly clear that giving VC Kusajishi Yachiru anything remotely resembling caffeine is unabashedly dangerous, foolish, and (from what Captain General Yamamoto has discussed with me) probably has enough cause and documentation by now to be classified as a felony. So I urge you all, once again, resolve your differences in a peaceful manner, or failing that, in an appropriate training arena that is designed to contain forces up to and including a twenty-kiloton nuclear device. Thank you,

Captain Unohana

P.S: I hope your prank brought you happiness, because the extra shifts my staff and I had to pull to care for the wounded and repair the damage did not.

 

[warai_kitsune]

From Former Captain Kisuke Urahara to Shinigami Representative Ichigo Kurosaki.

Would you mind dropping by the shop?? I know that you've been worrying about increasing your power, and you have to admit I'm good at beating you into shape.

Any questions I have regarding WHY Yoruichi is smiling at you are entirely incidental.

From Former Captain Kisuke Urahara to Captain Unohana.

I heard you were having some trouble keeping my old vice-captain under control.? Just tell him I lent you the pump and the funnel; you can't tell under the face paint, but he'll go chalk-white.? It's actually pretty funny.

 

[perfect_solider]

Yamamoto Genryuusai Soutaichou to all Captains and Vice captains

As Captain Unohana has informed you it is now considered a crime against Souls Society to give Vice Captain Yachiru of the 11th Division any type of substance resembling caffeine, sugar or and other type of stimulant. I am still receiving re.ports of damages and bills from her last "spree".? That is all? ?

 

[Andrew Joshua Talon]

Vice-Captain Ise Nanao to Captain Byakuya Kuchiki:

Sir, how will you keep her contained now?! We're all doomed!

Captain Byakuya Kuchiki to Vice-Captain Ise Nanao:

Calm yourself, Vice-Captain. I have a plan.

Vice-Captain Ise Nanao to Captain Byakuya Kuchiki:

Yes sir? What is this plan?

Captain Byakuya Kuchiki to Vice-Captain Ise Nanao:

Pancakes.

Vice-Captain Ise Nanao to Captain Byakuya Kuchiki:

... What?

 

[Shikaze]

From Shinigami Representative Ichigo Kurosaki to Vice Captain Yachiru :

Hey squirt. I've been recieving all the message you sent to eeach other. Seems they want to ban you from getting anymore sweets. So, here are directions from where you can get some pixie sticks. You don't deserve to be banned from sweets. No one does.

From Shinigami Representative Ichigo Kurosaki to Captain Zaraki Kenpachi :

Yo asshole. Trying to fight me as soon as I woke up during my last visit was the last straw. And now, revenge is mine. You'll understand REALLLYYYYY soon. Bankai got nothing on what I did.

From Captain Zaraki kenpachi to Shinigami Representative Ichigo Kurosaki :

So you find something more powerful ? FIGHT ME THE? ICHI-*KEN-CHHAAAAAANNNNNNNNNN*
*CRASH*
Kurosaki, your ass is mine. I won't fight your little pansy ass next time, I WILL FUCKING REDUCE YOU TO CINDERS !

 

[Cosgrove]

From Shinigami Representative Ichigo Kurosaki to Captain Byakuya Kuchiki:

I know where you can get the pancakes. And I've been reading medical reports about when you were younger.

You used to be just as bad as the pink-haired squirt. A suger and caffine-addict, if you will.

Just look under the table next to you. I have some gifts for you.

From Shinigami Representative Ichigo Kurosaki to Vice-Captain Abarai Renji:

Look out behind you.

From Hollow Kurosaki Ichigo to Shinigami Representative Ichigo Kurosaki:

See King? Revenge is sweet.

 

[zerohour]

Vice Captain Yachiru to All

Precious... where is my precious?? I'm so hungry...

Come back precious...? Yachiru misses you, she does...

 

[Andrew Joshua Talon]

From Captain Byakuya Kuchiki to Shinigami Representative Ichigo Kurosaki:

What do you want, Kurosaki?

From Vice-Captain Abarai Renji to Shinigami Representative Ichigo Kurosaki:

DAMN YOU ICHIGOOOOO~!

Message terminated

From Captain Unohana Retsu to Shinigami Representative Ichigo Kurosaki:

Thank you very much for your help in bringing VC Abarai in for his physical. Really, what is he getting so worked up about? It's just a few harmless tests.

Speaking of which Kurosaki-san, I also need you to come in for your physical. I have no doubt you are in the prime of health, but it's better to be safe rather than sorry.

(Private Line)

And if you are afraid of revealing anything... Unusual, don't worry. I have examined unusual cases like yours before. Shinji Hirako was one of my patients and he will tell you I kept his... Condition confidential until he himself revealed it. (End Private Transmission)

Hope to see you soon,

Captain Unohana

 

[WannabeKurt]

From Captain Shunsui to all Female personal

Have you been putting off your yearly mamograms? If so, please stop by 8th Division Headquarters for a free one. Yes, I have completed the required courses.

 

[Cosgrove]

From Shinigami Representative Ichigo Kurosaki to Captain Byakuya Kuchiki:

What do I want?

Nothing. Nothing at all.

I'm just giving you a gift, after all.

Enjoy the sugar, Kuchiki.

Enjoy the sugar.

From Shinigami Representative Ichigo Kurosaki to Captain Unohana Retsu:

Nice try. I live at a clinic.

And if necessary, I can have Sandel-hat and Yoruichi-san make sure that I'm physically fine.

I have no need to go to Soul Society at this time.

 

[Andrew Joshua Talon]

From Captain Byakuya Kuchiki to Shinigami Representative Ichigo Kurosaki:

... You know the expression I had during our battle, after you tore off that mask? I've got it again. I believe the proper term for it in modern day jargon is WTF?

From Captain Unohana Retsu to Shinigami Representative Ichigo Kurosaki:

I see. Can you at least forward me some of your medical records so I can make the Captain General stop pestering me? And what have I done to warrant such mistrust, if I may ask?

Sincerely,

Captain Unohana

Captain Unohana to Vice-Captain Nanao Ise:

I'm not sure whether or not you will consider it good news or bad news, VC Ise, but your captain will survive the severe beatings given to him by several female shinigami. He may walk with a limp for some time, but other than that...

 

[Cosgrove]

From Shinigami Representative Ichigo Kurosaki to Captain Byakuya Kuchiki:

You mean it wasn't you who was the closet sugar addict?

But the records...

Damn you Urahara!

From Shinigami Representative Ichigo Kurosaki to Captain Unohana Retsu:

No reason, I just have no need to go to Soul Society. As for the records, those will probably take a while.

 

[zerohour]

Third Seat Ikkaku Madarame to Anyone

OH GOD!!! SOMEBODY HELP US!!!? BANKAI DOES NOTHING!!! OH MY GOD SHE GOT YUMICHIKA!!!

Precious...

--Transmission lost--

 

[Andrew Joshua Talon]

Vice-Captain Hisagi Shuuhei to Captain General Yamamoto:

Sir, preliminary investigations into the second "Sugar Rampage" have been concluded. It took the combined might of Captain Unohana and Captain Kuchiki's bankai (not to mention a full load of sugar and sweets Captain Kuchiki thoughtfully brought) to contain VC Kusajishi. She's recovering from her withdraw and I'm told her diet has been altered to keep this from happening again. A healthy balance of nutritious foods and junk foods will keep her her lovable, somewhat annoying but far less dangerous self.

Unfortunately, it was too late to save most of Eleventh Division. No fatalities, but the entire Division is once again in the hospital. I would suggest looking into either relieving Captain Unohana and giving her some leave, or adding extra staff, because the way she's been twitching lately is, quite frankly, frightening.

Sincerely,

Vice-Captain Hisagi Shuuhei

Vice-Captain Kotesu Isane to Captain General Yamamoto:

I am completely serious, sir. My captain and captain Kuchiki deserve commendations, medals... At least a vacation. My captain anyway. The last time I saw that twitch... Well... It's too terrible to recall sir. Really.

Captain Kuchiki Byakuya to Shinigami Representative Kurosaki Ichigo:

You seem to have as good timing as ever, Kurosaki. Thanks to your 'gift', I was able to subdue Vice Captain Kusajishi and prevent the complete destruction of the Eleventh Division. Not that it would have been a terrible loss, I'm sure you agree, but the point is made. So... Thank you. Again.

Captain Unohana Retsu to Shinigami Representative Kurosaki Ichigo:

Please Kurosaki-san, can you get them to me soon? Between the two "Sugar Rampages", Captain Zaraki hitting on me all the time, Captain Kurotsuchi AND Captain General Yamamoto demanding my secret medical data under flimsy pretenses of defending again the threat of Former Captain Aizen's forces I feel as though I might actually lose my composure. You have any idea how hard it is to maintain control every day, be perfect polite and kind while all your efforts go unappreciated AND SOMEHOW EVERYONE EXPECTS YOU TO ALWAYS BE THE SAME AND GIVE AND GIVE UNTIL THERE'S NOTHING LEFT?!

... Ahem. Excuse me...

 

[zerohour]

Captain Shunsui to Captain Commander Yamamoto

You know... after seeing what Yachiru did to the eleventh division without sugar, maybe we can just chuck her into Hueco Mundo and let her take care of Aizen...

 

[Cosgrove]

From Shinigami Representative Ichigo Kurosaki to Vice-Captain Yachiru:

Here's more pixie sticks.

Enjoy.

From Shinigami Representative Ichigo Kurosaki to Captain Unohana Retsu:

It'll take a while. The clinic's family run, and we're rather busy usually.

..Not to mention were about to go on our... yearly... fishing trip....to.....America. I'll be gone for a while. Don't go looking for me.

Sorry.

 

[perfect_solider]

Captain Commander Yamamoto To all Goeti 13

Due to an increase in paperwork following the "Yachiru Incident" I will be unavailable for some time to deal with this situation (go fishing)...please direct all of your concerns and problems to my Vice Captain (as useless as he is) and my two students.. That is all

Private message to Shunsui and Jyuushiro from Yama-ji

Ha this old man still has a few tricks up his sleeve enjoy leadership for a few...consider this your punishment for defying me during the Royoka incident

 

[~NGD OMEGA~]

Captain Hitsugaya to Captain Unohana:

I thank you for the return of my uniform, though I do not understand why then were so severely edited. Luckily I was able to sew them back to their original design, so no harm done. However I am starting to worry about the mental stability of my VC. Due to several sources, I am starting to suspect that she is developing something called 'shotacon tendencies', and thus I am forced to bring her in for therapy. I am forced to believe that she is suffering a relapse from the defection of one Ichimaru Gin, and fear how this will affect her admittedly miniscule ammount of work.

However due to various circumstances, I would ask your subordinates to avoid attacking me due to an appearance change brought about by a very distraught Matsumoto, and I must warn you that if I hear any snickers about my temporary new Hairstyle, I will retaliate with extreme prejudice.

Sincerely,

Captain Hitsugaya

Captain Hitsugaya to VC Hinamori

HEY! You promised to stop after I became a Shinigami! I'm your superior so respect your authorty Bed-Wetter MOMO!

And as if. The smell of alcohal alone is enough to make me puke. Is it so much to ask for my subordinates to respect authority!?

Screw you,

Captain Hitsugaya

Captain Hitsugaya (Anonymous) to self in response to Captain Unohana's announcement

I don't know about anyone else, but after reading Zaraki's Peer edit again, I'd say that prank made me feel pretty happy. Besides, 4th has been getting pretty lazy lately.

Captain Hitsugaya (Anonymous) to 11thD 3S Ikkaku

Sorry, my bad. Hope the smell of flowers comes out of your small intestines soon. I found one of your kidneys if it's any help.

A friend.

Captain Hitsugaya to all

Okay, whoever took pictures of me with that random plush toy while I was asleep might as well come forward right now. I caught a glimpse of you running away when I woke up, so know that I will find you even if it takes me a while. There's no place to run, and you can't hide. You may as well save yourself the trouble.

As for the plush toy, whoever it belongs to might as well just give up trying to get it back. I'll have you now that I stabbed it a total of 47 times after the discovery of the pictures, and then for the hell of it froze it solid with Hyorinmaru, and then shattered it just to spite you. You ain't getting it back now.

And who the heck would keep a retarded looking black cat as a plush toy anyway? I'll track down whoever it was, now it's just a matter of time...

Captain Hitsugaya

Message sent 15 hours prior:

???(Anonymous) to Captain Soifon

I'm just borrowing it for a little bit. I'll give it back once I'm done. <3