Ronin & Sophomore

alansg

Well-Known Member
#26
chronodekar said:
If the Aoyama sisters really are wearing something different, can you please point me to a description of the clothing?
They aren't miko, they are martial artist.

<a href='http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Keikogi' target='_blank' rel='nofollow'>http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Keikogi</a>

In English, the term keikogi is sometimes referred to simply as the gi, which would be an incorrect use of the word in Japanese
Compare <a href='http://images.wikia.com/kuroarashi/images/6/6f/Motoko.jpg' target='_blank' rel='nofollow'>this</a> picture of Motoko and the first result when you search in google images for 'gi and hakama'.
 

chronodekar

Obsessively signs his posts
Staff member
#27
@alansg,

Thanks for the link! Give me some time and I'll fix up the mistakes.

-chronodekar
 

EagleCeres

Well-Known Member
#28
keikogi vs kimono/hakama

This was probably stated, or well known; but might as well put it out there...
As we all know, the classic Kimono is more the historical formal wear for ladies and gents of traditional families. We've probably seen it more when characters attend an event of cultural/social/political importance (in some cases, where the ladies just plain look good in one when going to a festival/matsuri or just plain enjoy it more than western clothes).

The fact that most readers/fanfic writers decide to go with the "looks like a Miko Hakama"... is because in essence it does look like Miko wear. But as pointed out by alansg, It is factually wrong.

While using the word "Keikogi" is proper, I think is a bit of going into splitting hairs when it comes to how correct the writer wants to be. While the most correct wording may be the Keikogi (or in the case of the Aoyamas, a stylized Kendogi, as they practice kendo); the normal (mortal, lazy, not well informed) reader might not understand the difference unless they are willing to do some tangential learning (aka: pop open a window and browse wikipedia).

Now, one reason why readers and writers opt to go with the "she's wearing Miko clothes" option... the manga (and anime) also has Motoko pulling Miko duties on one New Year's Eve and us non japanese readers/fans would normally not see the difference between her usual clothes, and that can be easily attributed to cultural differences and/or inexperience with either sets of clothes.

I had the chance to visit japan about a decade ago and saw real Mikos in their (bright orange) hakamas, the male priests/attendants wore light blue... I couldn't tell the difference; but then again, I've never practiced Kendo or seen kendokas going at it in real life, only in anime/manga.


I'll leave chapter nitpicks on the google doc.

I also lean toward the idea of changing the (Frag) Grenade into a Flash-Bang... a LOT less messy, and they tend to be good enough to incapacitate most people. Although where the HELL would Gos get one of those outside of the Black Market or stolen off military.

I find Tsuruko's worries about Keitaro's lack of reaction toward the fairer sex cute and funny. She wasn't there when he was judging Motoko's outfits, although the fiancÚ to be was and noticed his responses/reactions (which seem to have been filed for future review, reflection and possible retort!).
 

chronodekar

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Staff member
#29
EagleCeres said:
I'll leave chapter nitpicks on the google doc.
And they are MUCH appreciated. For the record, the grammar/spelling is American English.

There is a lot about the clothing that I seem to be unfamiliar with. And I have enough of an drive to read up on it! Thanks for the info-dump EC ! :)

I need to read up a bit more on grenades and flash-bangs. Hmm...

-chronodekar
 

rukia8492

Well-Known Member
#30
chrono from my extensive experiance with granades and flashbangs (7 years worth of using them), i can definatly say even faulty ones would take out every one in the store if it was a grenade. words your looking for are for a flashbang they create a large amount of deafening noise and a very bright flash that disorients you for about a minutes.

grenades when they explode create a concussive force that goes out and with a slightly up direction of about 5 degrees of angle between the ground and lower limits of shrapnel.

also just so you know flashbangs can also kill if they go off too close to someone so i would have expected at least a few poeple to go to the hospital with the mall event to be checked out from personal experiances.
 

chronodekar

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#31
I've been doing some reading into kendo uniforms. Amusingly enough, it's easy to find an online shop to buy one of the things, but how to dress in them? Not exactly easy. Still, in the end I did find a good link (other than wikipedia). Here it is, if anyone else is interested,

<a href='http://www.mushinkankendo.com/kendo_uniform.html' target='_blank' rel='nofollow'>http://www.mushinkankendo.com/kendo_uniform.html</a>

I've changed the grenade scene a bit. It's now a flash-bang. Some minor descriptions have been added too.

I also went back to the earlier chapters to fix "fiance" to "fiancÚ" as well as similar changes. It ended up taking me a lot longer than I anticipated. For example, did anyone notice that I originally had Keitaro calling his grandmother "Grandma" but somehow it became "Granny" in the latest chapter? Took me a good while finding and fixing that mix-up.

And, of course, the thanks section has been updated to reflect those who helped. :) The fixed chapter's live on FF.NET right now. (or in about 30mins according to their message)

Finally, I can perhaps start on chapter-6!

-chronodekar
 

Watashiwa

Administrator
Staff member
#32
I'm reading the chapters posted on FFN, and gargh comma overload. You've got comma splices everywhere! Be a lot more judicious in how you use them. Even if you track how the sentence would flow by speaking it out loud (I do this), you end up with more commas than you need. They're only necessary with lists or when you're combining two thoughts.
 

chronodekar

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#33
Here is the next chapter,

<a href='https://docs.google.com/document/d/177M83rNMdb8jtroTAIuiPoSTgyPE6Hx1e0-PrKzMc04/edit' target='_blank' rel='nofollow'>Chapter 06 (PREVIEW): Before Tsuruko's Departure</a>

I hope you guys enjoy this one. Not much fighting, but more towards the emotional spectrum this time.

If you see any mistakes, please right-click the relevant part and leave me a comment! I actually *do* make corrections.

@Watashiwa,

Sorry about the commas. It's a annoying habit that I'm trying to get rid of in my writing. I hope chapter-6 is better in that regard? Have a peek at the link above.

-chronodekar
 

rukia8492

Well-Known Member
#34
nothing wrong that i saw chrono. looks like anything that was wrong got fixed here. if i do fix anything it'll always have "-scouts out" attached to it.
 

EagleCeres

Well-Known Member
#35
apologies...
I didn't expect to get derailed THIS long while commenting on the latest chapter -_-

I do feel I need to comment that both Keitaro and Motoko seem to have taken on some aspects of the (until now) missing residents of the Hinata Sou.

Kei's rant about the university selection reminded me of Naru on the warpath, and Motoko's emotional reactions brought Shinobu's crybaby moments to mind.

Not a bad thing, per se, but you might get called out on it by readers expecting the characters to stay closer to canon.

Otherwise, pretty solid characterization (considering the Alternate Universe).

I enjoyed the back and forth between Tsuruko and the young couple, specially that onsen scene (during and after) and the epiphanies that followed.

Hope to see what else you have in store for the Kei and Motoko.
 

chronodekar

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#36
It's been a bit too long but I've got the next preview ready. Please help me out with any correction that are needed,

<a href='https://docs.google.com/document/d/1mYqYL3NkLr2_btSLtlU7rQh85DVwTS-FbeLQnzieQKU/edit' target='_blank' rel='nofollow'>CHAPTER 07 (PREVIEW): Young Girl joins up</a>

It's a bit shorter than the earlier chapters, but I felt it was a good stopping point before I got into the next section of the story. That and the sooner I publish it, the faster I'll get my writing mood back.

@EagleCeres,
Thanks for your comments. They were most appreciated.

-chronodekar
 

T.L

Well-Known Member
#37
It is very late and I am only part way through I will continue tomorrow.
Added a few comments for you to look at.
W/R
 

rukia8492

Well-Known Member
#38
i didn't see anything else chrono. if i do i'll let you know.
 

EagleCeres

Well-Known Member
#39
and to quote Wally from the Dilbert comic strip
Wally: "Of all the pleasures of life, I think I like nit-picking the best!"

comments and nitpicks left... feel free to return volley on the flames :p
 

rukia8492

Well-Known Member
#40
wow, how the hell did i miss that shit. i think my friends death has hit me harder then i thought.
 

chronodekar

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#41
I had some second thoughts about chapter-7. Frankly, the more I read it, the more it felt like "filler" material to me.

So, I went back and redid from scratch. Well, not entirely. For the most part, I added some new scenes and made minor modifications in others. A lot of the first draft was just copy-pasted, but there are large sections to the "new" version that I need beta-read.

Here's the link,

<a href='https://docs.google.com/document/d/1a4r0VOHhG7MZrRGDpoTspGzej8Ywem4DxKgK7IF3AlA/edit' target='_blank' rel='nofollow'>Chapter 7:REDO Young girl joins up</a>

Other than just spelling and grammar corrections, can you tell me your honest opinion on the story so far? Like do you like where it's headed or would you prefer I start some more action scenes (planned for chapter-8) .. etc.

-chronodekar
 

rukia8492

Well-Known Member
#42
hey chrono, i just added my corrections and i have to say i actually enjoy reading this as it's fresh for me and i haven't seen one like this yet.

personally i have to say keep it going in the direction that you are going. it's an excellent story.
 

EagleCeres

Well-Known Member
#43
Very solid and smooth read, left a few nitpicks here and there.

Buy I'm morally obligated to apologize for the omakes/peanut gallery moments... they just happened :p

My mind suddenly decided the gutter (or at least the funny side of it) and inanimate objects were a good place to start from XD


Otherwise...
I notice that at many points you put a space before an exclamation point ( ! ) or question marks ( ? ). Not sure if that was intentional, or a possible typo/keyboard flubs. I bring this up as it feels weird due to messing with my internal monologue/voice-overs when reading those particular lines.

Shinobu has dolls... cute, a little more mature than the canonic plushies, but fits, considering she seems to be/act more dainty, delicate and girly...

hmm... wonder if Motoko will pick up/mimic some of Shinobu's quirks (maybe sneak in a few shoujo manga style daydreams? :p)

keep up the good work

Random Omake Tiem! said:
*scene 1*
He then blinked and looked at the toaster again. It seemed that it asked him what was wrong. ôHm? I must be hallucinating. Did toaster-chan just want to know whatÆs wrong with me?ö

Moments later, as the master of the house had left the room, the kitchen appliances had decided to speak freely.

Toaster-chan> ne... what IS wrong with him?
Fridge-kun> well... He isn't getting any
Toaster-chan> getting any what?
Stove-chan> well... when a human being likes another human being, they do the horizontal mambo... usually on a bed, sometimes on the kitchen table or floor
Toaster-chan> ewwwww! people are gross!


*scene 2*
Keitaro grimaced and replied, ôI think itÆs even more confusing than my explanation. Then again, look whoÆs talking - the guy who speaks with fridge-kun and toaster-chan for relationship advice.ö

Meanwhile, still in earshot, the denizens of the Kitchen reacted to their master's commentary.

Fridge-kun> Hey! I give awesome advice
Toaster-chan> I don't know about that stuff with the whipped cream
Stove-chan> You have NO clue, young one


*scene 3*
She smiled and responded with a small twinkle in her eye, ôDonÆt worry, stove-chan is in good hands.ö Then she turned around and began spinning her right arm. She continued, ôLet me show you what it means to be disciplined in the Shinmei-ryu style !ö

The shared memories of other Stoves used to make breakfasts made by not quite happy FiancÚes suddenly assailed the senior food heater of the kitchen, making her issue a warning to her fellows.

Stove-chan> Run! Run while you still can... tell Boiler-sama i loved him!
 

chronodekar

Obsessively signs his posts
Staff member
#44
EagleCeres said:
I notice that at many points you put a space before an exclamation point ( ! ) or question marks ( ? ). Not sure if that was intentional, or a possible typo/keyboard flubs. I bring this up as it feels weird due to messing with my internal monologue/voice-overs when reading those particular lines.
It's intentional. Or rather, consider the following line,

"You there! Get Lost!"

Depending on the font you use, the "!" can be mistaken for a "l". It's to avoid that mixup that I keep a space between then. Is it really that distracting? I can be a bit more stringent with myself here on out.

And Shinobu still has those plushies. She's just ... increased her collection here. Will mention it when I get the chance later. :)

@everyone,

Thanks a lot for your fast responses. Looks like I can release the chapter when I get back to my room in a few more hours. :)

-chronodekar
 

T.L

Well-Known Member
#45
Looks like your good to go.
Fridge-kun and Toaster-chan have to keep making appearances. :D
Perhaps having Motoko introducing them to everybody when they move in during the tour.

There were some salt/pepper containers in the center of the table and tissues were provided for each of the guests.
Detail is good in an AU story as I've said but sometimes I think that the above is going to the nth degree. Just a minor nitpick don't think much of it.
Perhaps we will be seeing Kanako next chapter?
 

chronodekar

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Staff member
#46
I've got the preview for the chapter-8 out. Here's the link,

<a href='https://docs.google.com/document/d/1FWmGlns1zNsWF4XRdAa1uu9Ei0e5S-jkG7TzApDZx8U/edit' target='_blank' rel='nofollow'>Chapter 08(PREVIEW): The Gothic Girl arrives</a>

What sounds better for the title ? "Goth Girl" or "Gothic Girl". We're talking about Kanako.

And yes, she FINALLY makes an appearance. Being Kanako, she DOES have an obsession with her brother but I don't want to follow canon for that. You'll see where it goes in the next chapter, but the events here were needed to get her closer to Motoko.

Comments/Suggestions/Criticisms are much appreciated.

-chronodekar
 

rukia8492

Well-Known Member
#47
holy crackers there buddy. lotta grammer errors dealing with puncuation but nothing really serious so far and im about a 1/4 way done.

so far im loving it. kanako the hentai doujin reading perv.

initial read isigned my usual scouts out but 2nd read im doing is signed with rukia.
 

chronodekar

Obsessively signs his posts
Staff member
#48
rukia8492 said:
holy crackers there buddy. lotta grammer errors dealing with puncuation
Dammit ! :sweat: I was told about that earlier, but it seems to be a bad habit of mine. I'm leaving for Mass in a few minutes, but will try fixing it up when I come back (in about 3 or 5 hours).

-chronodekar
 

T.L

Well-Known Member
#49
Overall a good intro for Kanako.
I feel the aura of smooth is too strong in the warehouse.
[The aura of smooth is when the sidekick in a movie gets shot and the calmly tell the hero to go on that they will be o.k.,]
When we all know that that's not how it really is.
I hope that Keitaro's healing runes are good for tetanus, God knows where that nail gun had been.
I would go with "Gothic Girl"
Poor Toaster-chan and Fridge-kun miss out in this chapter. :blue:
 

rukia8492

Well-Known Member
#50
chronodekar said:
rukia8492 said:
holy crackers there buddy. lotta grammer errors dealing with puncuation
Dammit ! :sweat: I was told about that earlier, but it seems to be a bad habit of mine. I'm leaving for Mass in a few minutes, but will try fixing it up when I come back (in about 3 or 5 hours).

-chronodekar
no worries man thats what we're here for. to help you.
 
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