ôThat isnÆt going to work.ö
ôWell, do you have a better idea, or what?ö
ôJust because I canÆt think of anything better does not mean that æMassaging the DragonÆ is a good idea.ö
----------------
The plan was simple. Deceptively so. All they had to do, he claimed, was to deal with the dragon and get to the treasure it was guarding.
Except that he didnÆt take into account that the dragon could stomp them both dead. Nor did he take into account the dragonÆs flame breath. Or the spiked tail.
So, here they were, two hours later, still trying to come up with a plan that didnÆt involve charging into the dragonÆs den and becoming dinner for their troubles.
She sighed, leaned against the wall, her partner drawing shpes into the ground, mumbling to himself.
----------------
ôHey, what if we threw a smoke bo-ô
ôWe used the last one on that horde of demonic cats.ö
ôWhich was your fault.ö
ôYour plan was to distract them with catnip!ö
ôThat was Plan B! You jumped straight to Plan C!ö
ôBecause Plan A never works, and Plan B was retarded! ItÆs always æCHARGEÆ- splat into a wall!, and then itÆs æBribe them with goblin meatÆ or æPerform a strip teaseÆ!ö
ôI did not charge into a wall!ö
ôI had to go back into the dragonÆs den to pull your unconscious body out because you charged. Into. A wall!"
ôIt slammed me against the wall with its tail!ö
ôWhatever! Your plans suck!ö
ôWhat the hell do you suggest!?ö
ôNot Plan A!ö
----------------
Another hour. He was still mumbling to himself. There was a naked couple having sex in his little diagram. The dragon was missing.
She wanted to just throw him in there, make him the dragonÆs dinner, make a run for it. Fuck the treasure!
But no, they couldnÆt even get out of the cave, because the damn dragon was so damn huge that it was blocking the damn exit and the treasure room!
So, here they were, hiding out in a tiny niche that the dragon didnÆt notice. And it was all his fault.
----------------
ôHey, youÆre a paladin of Bahamut, right?ö
ôYeah, why?ö
ôBahamut is the Dragon God.ö
ôUh, yeah.ö
ôAnd, dragons can shapeshift.ö
ôMhmm. The one weÆre dealing with can, at any rate.ö
ôHereÆs Plan S. We strip you naked, throw you to the dragon, where you proceed to ûô
ôIf thatÆs the plan, what's stopping me from making you his dinner?"
ôLet me finish. Anyways, once youÆre naked, you go to him. Since youÆre a follower of Bahamut, youÆll be better with dragons. You then proceed to seduce him and fuck his brains out, while I run into the treasure room, fill up our bags with as much as we can carry, and then you finish him off and we run for it.ö
ôàI donÆt even know where to begin û"
ôNo, look, this is the best plan we have! I mean, he can shapeshift, so itÆs not like itÆs bestiality, and since youÆre friends with Bahamut, youÆd have an easier time seducing him than I would!ö
ôàYouÆre not going to be able to convince me of this.ö
ôHey, dragons are good at sex!ö
ôThatÆs not the problem here!ö
----------------
"The second I get my clothes and armor back I am going to kill that bastard."
"You? I told you mortals to no longer disturb me."
"I...I apologize, my lord, but I wished to offer you my services."
"I do not have a use for you. Be gone."
"But, my lord! I...I only wish to-"
"I'm not comfortable with beastiality."
"But, I have obtained Bahamut's blessing! I am one of Her warriors on the mortal plain!"
"Not all dragons care to follow Bahamut. Cease with your screeching!"
"...Okay, I've had enough of this bullshit! This is all your fault - if you would just move your big fat ass outta the way, we wouldn't be bothering you anymore!"
"...Ah. If it is my actions that cause you to be so annoying, then I will rectify the matter in a moment."
"You better rectify the matter, you - wait, what?"
----------------
They were out. They were out, they were out, they escaped that cave, they were in the sunlight again!
"Wait, so you just asked him to let us out?"
"Mhmm!" The birds were chirping, the air smelled fresh, the wind was -
"Wait. Where are my clothes?"
"...You don't have them? I thought..."
"...You left them inside the cave. My long sword, the designer leather armor, the silk tunic I had to pay a fortune for. You left at least a thousand gold pieces worth of clothes behind."
"Um, I'm sorry?"
A few moments of silence. Then -
"Okay, first? I get Plan-design duty from now on. And second? The next time we deal with anything, you get seduction duty."
ôWell, do you have a better idea, or what?ö
ôJust because I canÆt think of anything better does not mean that æMassaging the DragonÆ is a good idea.ö
----------------
The plan was simple. Deceptively so. All they had to do, he claimed, was to deal with the dragon and get to the treasure it was guarding.
Except that he didnÆt take into account that the dragon could stomp them both dead. Nor did he take into account the dragonÆs flame breath. Or the spiked tail.
So, here they were, two hours later, still trying to come up with a plan that didnÆt involve charging into the dragonÆs den and becoming dinner for their troubles.
She sighed, leaned against the wall, her partner drawing shpes into the ground, mumbling to himself.
----------------
ôHey, what if we threw a smoke bo-ô
ôWe used the last one on that horde of demonic cats.ö
ôWhich was your fault.ö
ôYour plan was to distract them with catnip!ö
ôThat was Plan B! You jumped straight to Plan C!ö
ôBecause Plan A never works, and Plan B was retarded! ItÆs always æCHARGEÆ- splat into a wall!, and then itÆs æBribe them with goblin meatÆ or æPerform a strip teaseÆ!ö
ôI did not charge into a wall!ö
ôI had to go back into the dragonÆs den to pull your unconscious body out because you charged. Into. A wall!"
ôIt slammed me against the wall with its tail!ö
ôWhatever! Your plans suck!ö
ôWhat the hell do you suggest!?ö
ôNot Plan A!ö
----------------
Another hour. He was still mumbling to himself. There was a naked couple having sex in his little diagram. The dragon was missing.
She wanted to just throw him in there, make him the dragonÆs dinner, make a run for it. Fuck the treasure!
But no, they couldnÆt even get out of the cave, because the damn dragon was so damn huge that it was blocking the damn exit and the treasure room!
So, here they were, hiding out in a tiny niche that the dragon didnÆt notice. And it was all his fault.
----------------
ôHey, youÆre a paladin of Bahamut, right?ö
ôYeah, why?ö
ôBahamut is the Dragon God.ö
ôUh, yeah.ö
ôAnd, dragons can shapeshift.ö
ôMhmm. The one weÆre dealing with can, at any rate.ö
ôHereÆs Plan S. We strip you naked, throw you to the dragon, where you proceed to ûô
ôIf thatÆs the plan, what's stopping me from making you his dinner?"
ôLet me finish. Anyways, once youÆre naked, you go to him. Since youÆre a follower of Bahamut, youÆll be better with dragons. You then proceed to seduce him and fuck his brains out, while I run into the treasure room, fill up our bags with as much as we can carry, and then you finish him off and we run for it.ö
ôàI donÆt even know where to begin û"
ôNo, look, this is the best plan we have! I mean, he can shapeshift, so itÆs not like itÆs bestiality, and since youÆre friends with Bahamut, youÆd have an easier time seducing him than I would!ö
ôàYouÆre not going to be able to convince me of this.ö
ôHey, dragons are good at sex!ö
ôThatÆs not the problem here!ö
----------------
"The second I get my clothes and armor back I am going to kill that bastard."
"You? I told you mortals to no longer disturb me."
"I...I apologize, my lord, but I wished to offer you my services."
"I do not have a use for you. Be gone."
"But, my lord! I...I only wish to-"
"I'm not comfortable with beastiality."
"But, I have obtained Bahamut's blessing! I am one of Her warriors on the mortal plain!"
"Not all dragons care to follow Bahamut. Cease with your screeching!"
"...Okay, I've had enough of this bullshit! This is all your fault - if you would just move your big fat ass outta the way, we wouldn't be bothering you anymore!"
"...Ah. If it is my actions that cause you to be so annoying, then I will rectify the matter in a moment."
"You better rectify the matter, you - wait, what?"
----------------
They were out. They were out, they were out, they escaped that cave, they were in the sunlight again!
"Wait, so you just asked him to let us out?"
"Mhmm!" The birds were chirping, the air smelled fresh, the wind was -
"Wait. Where are my clothes?"
"...You don't have them? I thought..."
"...You left them inside the cave. My long sword, the designer leather armor, the silk tunic I had to pay a fortune for. You left at least a thousand gold pieces worth of clothes behind."
"Um, I'm sorry?"
A few moments of silence. Then -
"Okay, first? I get Plan-design duty from now on. And second? The next time we deal with anything, you get seduction duty."