Evangelion Stranger than Fanfiction

Watashiwa

Administrator
Staff member
#51
Da-Guru said:
Actually, that's a bit of a plot point. The Narrator doesn't use Japanese honorifics. But the characters do. It's a part of the Narrator's characterization. Besides, I try to preserve verbal ticks. It helps to keep people in character.
Honorifics are one thing, but the Japanese filler words grate like nails on a chalkboard. It would probably help the flow too...

Either way, poor Mayumi.
 

Avider

Well-Known Member
#52
There are English verbal tics.

Unless that particular word is somehow actually pretty damn significant, and I mean that particular word as in the specific sounds of that word, it'd be better if you just used Um...instead.
 

FinalMax

Well-Known Member
#53
Avider said:
There are English verbal tics.

Unless that particular word is somehow actually pretty damn significant, and I mean that particular word as in the specific sounds of that word, it'd be better if you just used Um...instead.
The significance could be in the opportunity to make puns at the expense of Hideaki Anno. Or some other opportunity to mess with things, given how the story depends on spray painting the fourth wall.
 

Da-Guru

Well-Known Member
#55
Here we are in the wilds of the Tokyo 3 night club scene, tracking our foursome of amorously inclined tweens.? At least, some people hope that itÆll be a foursome.? Mostly, theyÆve been awkwardly milling about while ShinjiÆs bodyguards complain about their assignment and fail to fit in with a bunch of kids half their age.

ôI canÆt believe this place doesnÆt have a liquor license,ö complains one sweaty, leisure suit wearing Section 2 agent.? WeÆll call him Agent K.

ôWhat?ö shouts another agent.? WeÆll call her Agent L.? Apparently, sheÆs having issues hearing her co workers over the driving bass.? And sheÆs having trouble standing in some stiletto heels that must be a size too big for her at the least.

ôI said æI canÆt believe this place doesnÆt have a liquor license,Æö K shouts back.

ôWell, they did let the kids in,ö observes another agent.? WeÆll call him Agent M.? ôI bet this place is supposed to serve a younger crowd.ö

ôBullshit!ö Agent L shouts back, taking a second to pull a loose strand of hair back behind her ear.? ôI see college kids in here.? I bet the old men who sign off on this shit just decided not to give liquor licenses to places that allow dancing or some bullshit like that.ö

ôI wouldnÆt put it past the city council to do that,ö Agent M growls out.? After a few seconds of listening to the music ask ôWhat is loveö again, just like it had for the past 20 minutes, M complains, ôMan, I hate these æcasualÆ suits they got for us.? IÆm burning up in mine.ö

ôAt least you can hide your gun in yours.? MineÆs in my purse.? I swear, if I find out who picked this sluttastic outfit,ö she growls, gesturing towards the strips of cloth that we might generously call her clothes, ôIÆm cramming these cheap heels right up his ass!ö? Agent L finishes, crossing her arms under her chest, drawing attention to a jagged scar running over the top of her breast.

ôIÆll join you,ö Agent K throws in.? ôbecause nobody wants to see your battle scars put on display.ö

ôFuck you, K,ö she tosses off casually.

ôAfter our shift is over, sure.ö? He calmly retorts.

ôIÆm holding you to that, K,ö L counters.? M almost chokes on himself.

Now, with the bodyguard mating dance complete, the tedious ôwaiting for the shift to endö phase of the mating ritual begins.? This could last for hours.? Or at least it could last until 23:15 hours, military time, when the overnight shift takes their spot.

With the waiting period begun, we now move on to the bodyguardsÆ charges, Ikari Shinji and his companions.? Here, the larger of the two males attempts to impress his potential mate with ritual dance.? Though other males donÆt appear to gesticulate as wildly or thrust the pelvis as much.? This sort of wild display is the hallmark of a youngling in his first dance.? ôNo!? Suzahara, youÆre completely out of rhythm.? YouÆre moving around way too much for a crowded club like this.? And youÆre not watching where your feet are,ö? Hikari admonishes Toji, causing him to trip on a left step and crash into another young couple.

ôHey man!? WhatÆs your problem?ö? the older boy shouts while wiping his spilled soda off his shirt.

ôToji!? IÆm so sorry!ö? Hikari apologizes for her date as he climbs back to his feet.? ôI was trying to teach him how to dance.ö

ôYeah, well maybe he should just sit down,ö the older boy dismisses them as he turns back to his own date with a frustrated, ôSorry about that babe.ö

Turning to his own date, the young Ikari can only say, ôSo...having fun?ö? Mayumi appears to say nothing to this, despite her mouth clearly moving.? Perhaps she just canÆt talk over the incessantly repeating ôWhat is love?? Baby donÆt hurt me.ö

Eventually, Shinji realizes that sheÆs mouthing, ôItÆs louder here,ö at him.? Mind made up, Shinji goes to his still fumbling friend to get them all out of this fiendish fiesta.

ôHey guys, letÆs get out of here,ö he says.? Toji falls on his butt again but doesnÆt hear him.? So Shinji speaks up, ôHoraki-san, Toji-san, we should get out of here.? The noise is bothering Mayumi-san.ö? Shinji isnÆt too fond of it either.? But he doesnÆt say that.? All he does is roll his eyes.? Hikari helps Toji up as Shinji looks for the nearest Section 2 Agent thatÆs not getting ready to shoot some teenagers.? Mayumi follows him while he looks.? Through the crowd, he finds his target, a dark skinned man several years younger than the rest of his detail.? HeÆs sitting a few seats away from the other three and sipping a Cherry Coke with a little umbrella.? The world may never know how he manages to keep his Coke off his leisure suit while bobbing his head in time with the music.? WeÆll call him Agent J.

ôEvening, Ikari.? You kids having fun?ö? J asks, taking a sip from his Coke.

ôHello, sir.? I...I mean my date...I mean we were actually looking to get out of here.? The noise is bothering my date,ö? Shinji admits to the agent.

ôWell, thereÆs a park not too far from here.? You can walk there just fine.? ItÆs just four blocks North from here,ö Agent J says.

ôYou mean Tesla Park?ö? Toji interjects.

ôYeah!? ThatÆs the place.? I think thereÆs something going on there tonight.? I canÆt remember what it was though,ö Agent J admits.

ôWell?ö Shinji asks his assembled companions.

ôSounds good to me,ö Toji replies.

ôA nice walk in the park sounds romantic,ö Hikari chimes in.

ôUhm....ö? Mayumi starts.

ôHmm?? What do you think, Mayumi-san?ö? Shinji asks.

ôI...that is...,ö she mouths into the air, still unable to talk over the bass.? She takes a deep breath before continuing.? ôI think IÆd like that,ö she finally squeaks out over the bass.

ôAlright!? We have a plan,ö Toji says as he leads the way towards the exit.

But Shinji cannot help but have one last nagging thought before the scene change, ôWhy was the voice talking like a British nature show host?ö

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

We rejoin the kids at Tesla Park, where the trees are swaying, the grass is green, and the noise level is even higher than back in the club.

ôOh yeah,ö says Agent J from a few feet behind the group of teens, still wearing his leisure suit and bobbing his head in time with the music, ôthereÆs a charity concert going on here today.ö

ôYou couldnÆt remember that sooner?ö Toji shouts back at the agent.

ôIt would have saved us a trip, at least,ö Shinji sighed out.? ôLetÆs just go home.? ItÆs getting late,ö he shouts out to the rest of the group.? The other agents pull the black van around.? And they climb back into the black van that brought them here.?

ôWell, that was a disaster,ö Toji deadpans.

ôHonestly Suzahara!? It wasnÆt all bad,ö Hikari admonishes

ôWhat?? The movie was terrible,ö Toji groans.

ôEndearingly bad,ö Hikari corrects.

ôYouÆre the only one here who can dance,ö? Toji admits.

ôYou tried your best, Toji.? Shinji-san and Mayumi-san are just shy,ö Hikari retorts.

ôAnd our quiet walk in the park turned out to have a concert going on in it,ö he says with finality.

ôAlright, that was a little unfortunate.? Dinner was nice, at least,ö Hikari tries.

ôIt was McDonalds.? If it wasnÆt edible, theyÆd be out of business,ö Toji counters.

ôI was talking about the company,ö Hikari says with an attempt at a smile towards Shinji and Mayumi.

While the other couple argues some more about the content of the date and whether or not Toji would have to take Hikari on an ôapology dateö to make up for their abysmal first date, Shinji looks to Mayumi.? She watches the floor, occasionally looking up to Shinji riding next to her.? Shinji screws up his face a bit.? ôIÆm sorry, Yamagishi-san.? We couldnÆt find something to do tonight that you liked.? I mean...IÆm sure we can do better next time.ö

ôI donÆt know,ö she whispers.

ôWell, IÆm sure we can find something youÆd like,ö Shinji tries to reassure her.? But what heÆs really thinking about is how much that date will cost.? Even split three ways between he, Toji, and Hikari at her own insistence, Shinji dropped a chunk of his spending money on this date.? He canÆt afford to date full time.? ItÆs either get the girl in front of him to like him or do the unthinkable...get a job.

ôItÆs just....ö? Mayumi interrupts his nervous worrying over how heÆd balance a job with school and Nerv.? ôWhy couldnÆt we have gone to the library instead...or something?? I mean...if you want, that is....ö

Shinji would love to continue his brooding.? But all he can think at the moment is a single, glorious thought, ôWhat?? The?? Fuck?ö
Merry Christmas everyone. I've got the rest of chapter 4 here for you guys. As always, constructive criticism is welcome. I've decided to quit using the Japanese verbal ticks. You guys were right, they were annoying.
 

grant

Well-Known Member
#56
Welcome back.

Ah, nice, romantic libraries.
 

Da-Guru

Well-Known Member
#57
Ladies and gentlemen, the first scene of the next chapter. Enjoy.

Stranger than Fanfiction 5: A Date Less Normal

“Must you keep fidgeting, darling?” the girl with the makeup brush asks. Her name is Chika. She’s in class 5. She’s an old accomplice of Kensuke’s.

“Sorry,” Shinji replies, “I’m not used to having a pretty girl put makeup on me.” It’s true. Chika here is a real looker, especially the way her peach blouse dips lower when she leans in to brush more powder onto his face. Unfortunately, he has to keep his eyes closed. At least he gets to enjoy the tickling his folded arms are getting from Chika’s loose, black hair. Well, tolerate is a better term. We all have to make sacrifices.

“Oh you charmer!” she exclaims, swatting at his shoulder playfully. “Keep this up and you’ll be breaking every girl’s heart in school.”

“Sorry,” Shinji replies.

“You shouldn’t be sorry!” she exclaims, taking the typical scolding pose. “It’s a gentleman’s duty to complement a beautiful lady.”

Shinji mulls over that for a bit while she goes back to work. I suppose I should take the time to explain while Shinji is thinking. Our dearest Shinji Ikari is getting his hair and makeup done for a fashion shoot. It was Kensuke’s idea. He figured they could all make some pocket money by running a fan site for Shinji and selling signed prints and other...memorabilia. True to his predictions, Shinji’s spending money has rapidly dwindled over the past week or so. While Mayumi didn’t feel up to a second date just yet, they have left some options open for the future. And his last couple of dates have been a teensy bit more demanding than the shy girl. Shinji still hasn’t gotten to go to the library.

“Well there we go. You can open your eyes now, Shinji-kun,” Chika says, holding up a mirror. “Now you can take in the new you.” Shinji’s eyes take a second to adjust to the bright lights that are being set up by Kensuke’s other “lovely assistant,” Ami. He can spot Ami bent over the top of a ladder, struggling to zip tie a spotlight so that it shines on the right spot on the other side of the room. The short brush of black hair in her ponytail twitches back and forth every few seconds. Shinji’s eyes are especially drawn to the way Ami’s backside fills out her khaki shorts. Quickly, he averts his eyes before anyone catches him, cursing teenage hormones the whole time. To Ami’s left, he can see Kensuke fiddling with his camera. And finally, Shinji’s eyes fall on the mirror that Chika is still holding up for him to take. Chika coughs deliberately. And Shinji quickly moves to take it from her. He doesn’t catch Chika’s knowing smirk. With a resigned sigh, he looks in the mirror at “the new Shinji.” His already long eyelashes stand out even more now thanks to some eyeliner and mascara. His hair is now stylishly tousled, kept from falling into his usual style by a generous application of styling product. And the girlish lines of his face have been softened ever still by Chika’s makeup skills.

“I’m...pretty,” Shinji says uncertainly.

“Well, of course you’re pretty, darling! All I’ve done is bring it to the surface for all the world to see,” she replies.

A crash echoes through the set as Ami hits the ground. “Son of a fucking bitch!” Ami exclaims from where she’s nursing her bruised behind. Chika’s long, black hair smacks Shinji in the shoulder as she whirls around. But he doesn’t notice. He’s already moving.

“Ami-san! Are you alright?” he asks as he holds his hand out for her.

“Yeah, I’m fine,” she replies as she takes his hand to get up. “I just missed a step and fell. I almost busted my ass.” It’s a good thing she didn’t. That would have been a waste of a perfectly fine ass.

Shinji sighs and mutters to himself, “You just couldn’t resist that one, could you?”

“Are you sure you’re alright, Ami-kun? I’ve just finished Shinji-kun’s makeup. I’m sure I could give the rest of the lights a shot if you just want to take it easy,” Chika chimes in.

Ami snorts in reply. “No thanks. I don’t think you came dressed for manual labor today,” she says, waving at the light blouse and capri pants that Chika is wearing.

Chika gives a dainty “Humph!” and says, “A lady must always look her best, Ami-kun, especially when in the presence of gentlemen!” But neither Ami nor Shinji catch Chika’s eyes flitting over to where Kensuke is sitting back down to finish fiddling with his camera, having gotten up when Ami had her tumble.

“Wait. What?” Shinji thinks to himself.

“Whatever,” Ami mutters as she goes back to fixing the lights.

Chika looks on for a bit before turning to Shinji. “Well, you’re done for now. I may want to give you some touch ups later. But you’ll want to sit down until we’re ready for the shoot. Trust me darling, you don’t want to get all sweaty right now. It’d put all our hard work to waste.” she says, indicating the makeup chair Shinji’d been sitting in.

Sitting down, Shinji asks, “So...how long have you known Kensuke-san?”

“Hmm? Oh I’ve known Ken-chan for most of my life,” she replies as she walks back over to her makeup and other supplies. “We’ve always gone to the same school. Even though we may not have always been in the same class,” she says with the resounding clack from a makeup case.

“And Ami-san?” Shinji asks.

“Hmm? Oh Ami-kun moved here a few years ago with her father.”

“No mother then?” Shinji mutters to himself. But Chika heard him. And so did someone else.

“No. Well, ahem, family business isn’t the sort of thing a friend should be revealing.” Chika says quickly.

“Mom’s dead,” Ami interrupts without looking up from where she is adjusting another of the lights. Her voice is hollow and subdued when she says, “She died in an accident when I was little. I don’t really remember her.” But that’s not the whole story.

“I’m...I’m sorry,” Shinji apologizes.

“Don’t be,” she says, half turning to look at him from her work. The whole story is that her mother was a scientist, a lab technician to be specific, at a lab in Hakone for an organization called Gehrin. And she did not die in an accident. “Anyway, dad got a big job offer here in Tokyo 3 a few years ago. So we moved down here. And I got to change schools...again.”

“You know,” Kensuke interrupts from where he’s standing, having set down his camera and walked up to the other three, “I don’t think anybody in class 2-A has both living parents.”

“What?” Ami asks.

“Why do you say that?” Shinji asks.

“I did some digging through the school’s files after you joined the class,” Kensuke pushes his glasses up to punctuate. “And nobody in our class has two guardians on their contact sheet.”

“There has to be some sort of explanation,” Chika says. “Perhaps just one parent is listed?”

“My web search says differently,” Kensuke retorts. “Of all the people I searched from our class, every person has their biological mother listed in the obituaries for the past ten years, except for Ikari here and Ayanami.”

“My...mother....” Shinji says.

“However, I couldn’t find an obituary for Ikari and Ayanami because I couldn’t find anything for Ikari and Ayanami. Aside from the basic contact information provided to the school, both Ikari here and Ayanami are both blank slates.” Kensuke trails off at the end, trying to figure out how to ask if Rei is a pilot like Shinji is.

“Ken-chan!” Chika exclaims. “I think that’s enough! Can’t you see that you’re making everyone uncomfortable? This is a sensitive subject, after all.” Kensuke has the decency to look chastened.

“It’s alright, Chika-kun,” Ami interrupts the gathering tirade. “Ken-san here is indulging his passion for conspiracies.” Ami says with a wry look.

“No! It most certainly is not alright,” Chika retorts.

“Ack! Sorry!” Kensuke says from a deep bow. “I’m sorry, okay! I didn’t mean to bring up any bad memories. I was just.... Well I wanted to know if....” Kensuke trails off again.

“Ayanami,” Shinji interrupts with an uncomfortable look. “You want to know if Ayanami is a pilot like I am.”

“Uhh...yeah,” Kensuke says eloquently.

“She is,” Shinji confirms, eyes closed at the memory of holding the pale bluette in his arms as she bled on the floor.

“Shinji-kun,” Chika lightly squeezes Shinji’s shoulder, interrupting the flashback before it can get too long and annoying, “you don’t have to talk about it if it’s too painful.”

“Thanks,” he says.

“Ahem well, as lovely as this whole conversation has been, we have work to get done,” Ami interjects.

“Right, of course,” Chika agrees, giving Kensuke a We Will Talk About This Later glare. It’s super effective.

“Heh, I guess it’s good for us that Rei’s a pilot,” everyone looks at Kensuke, trying to understand what he’s trying to say. “Well, with the two of you always absent at the same times and vanishing during the day, mostly together, it was either that Rei is a pilot like you or you’re dating her behind our backs.” Kensuke attempts change the subject with a Joke. It’s not very effective.
As always, constructive criticisms are welcome.

I've got some great ideas for terrible dates. But those will wait until after the next scene, which is Mana's big date.
 
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