TFFA: Half-way Across the Galaxy and Turn Left

[Kerrus]

FFS Soyokaze 1:30 PM Ship Time, deck 12, Corridor C-40, approaching Flight Deck

Kerrus was not having a good day. First the Yaoi Closet, then slamming through a brick wall, then zombie dogs, then his phaser died, and now he was being chased by a pair of intelligent weasels who were convinced he was an intruder. Nevermind the fact that they ignored his obvious rank and attacked him with some sort of biomagic wind blades. The fact of the matter was that Kerrus was running out of young, red shirted ensigns to throw their way. It was inconceivable, but there it was.

"Computer, where are we?" he asked his mangled amalgamation of a tricorder and a combadge (and now his dead phaser). Lightning flickered over it as it processed.

"Corridor C-40, Junction Eight, Deck Twelve. Approaching Hangar.... Warning, incomi-" the device cut off as Kerrus was buried under the sudden weight of a human he hadn't ever seen before. The man didn't look like any of the crew, though given the curses coming out of his mouth, he'd fit right in.

The man rubbed his head, and then looked over, where Kerrus was twitching on the ground.

"What the hell?" he yelled, causing Kerrus to wince.

"Not so loud, gimme a sec to recover," Kerrus answered.

"You're human.... You're fucking human, what the hell?" Sousuke said, in a vague state of disbelief.

"Damn right I'm human, what did you expect, a four tailed kitsu-" Kerrus cut off as said four tailed Kitsune bolted after them followed by an Eterna-chan who smelled vaguely of pizza. "Why do I open my mouth?"

Sousuke, however, was chuckling at the irony. Kerrus glared at him, then stood imperiously.

"I am Commodore Kerrus Magrus of the Ramshackle Fleet, representing the TFFA in all her glory. Now...." and thus Kerrus trailed off as he assessed the newcomer. "You arrived by ship did you? Take me there!"

"Uh, I really don't think you should-"

"What I should and shouldn't do is none of your concer-wuh uhs thur uh wruubut un muh fahce?" Kerrus having changed strides mid sentence as a rabbit flew out the open hatch and attached itself to his face. Carefully acting, he steadied himself then pulled the rabbit free. "Ah, good, one of the rabbit rabbits."

"Rabbit rabbit?" Sousuke remarked dryly.

"Rabbit Rabbit. As opposed to Rabid Rabbits," Kerrus said, then turned and glanced at Sousuke. Though I see you've had a run in with them. In any case, let us be off to see this ship of yours."

"it's not.... exactly a ship," Sousuke said, trying to stall the obviously insane alien who looked human.

Kerrus fixed Sousuke with a steely gaze.

"It /can/ at least make warp four, yes?" he enunciated slowly.

"What's a worp?" Sousuke asked. Kerrus however was banging his head against a bulkhead.

"Of course not. Very well, let's head to command where you can introduce yourself to the rest of the crew. Computer?" Kerrus said.

"There is a functional turbolift at junction four. Second left on the right," the amalgamation answered. Kerrus nodded and strode off. Moments later he returned, grabbed the half starved and now unconscious newcomer and dragged him towards the turbolift.

 

[zerohour]

"Alright, Engineering Team, sound off!" Zero shouted at his assembled minions, sounding eerily like a drill sergeant.

"All members are present and accounted for sir!"

"Excellent! Equipment check!" Zero roared. His engineering team nodded, going over the list of necessary equipment.

"Wrench!"

"Check!"

"Screwdriver Set!"

"Check!"

"Soldering Iron!"

"Check!"

"Secondary Engineering Equipment!"

"Check!"

"Ship Blueprints!"

"Check!"

"Hazardous Environment Suits!"

"Check!"

"Radio!"

"Check!"

"Emergency Rations!"

"Check!"

"Chainsaw!"

"Check!"

"Shotguns!"

"Check!"

"Bribes!"

"Check!"

"Various Bibles and Holy Symbols!"

"Check!"

"Priest!"

"Check!"

"Apples!"

"Double Check Sir!"

Zero grinned, "Alright, that's everything. Have you all made arrangements for the worst?"

"Sir, Yes, Sir!"

"Very well, Engineering Division, Move Out!"

As the engineering team moved out, their faces were stoic, concealing the inescapable fear they felt.

The monthly tuneup of the Soyokaze had come. If they were lucky, they would survive.

 

[zerohour]

-click-

"Hey Zeni?"

"What is it Zero?" Zeni murmured.

"What exactly did you name the New Reactor again?"

"Chaos Core."

"Ah. That explains it."

"Hm?"

"Apparently it's a little less stable than you thought."

"What do you mean? Has it started to go critical?"

"...In a way..."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"There are ninjas."

"...What?"

"Ninjas. Somehow, its creating ninjas. Fortunately, they're not able to dodge bullets, but they keep on assassinating the engineers. We could really use Xe-"

Zeni sighed, there was always something...

"Zeni?

"Yes dear?"

"Could you... NOT talk on the phone while we're intimate?"

"Sorry dear, Science Officer has to be available at all hours. It's the rules."

--- --- --- --- ---

"Damn Ninjas... cutting the line like that..." Zero muttered over the ginfire and shuriken.

"Sir! I think I isolated the problem!"

"What is it?!"

"The OS is linked up to the Ship's recreational network! It's reading our entertainment files as data, and utilizing it to create the ninjas!!!"

"WHAT?!? If that's the case, it's only a matter of time until it uploads some new data and upgrades its output!!!"

"OH SHIT!!!"

"What now?!" Zero roared.

"Nunchucks!! They have nunchucks!"

"So what?! We have guns!" Zero replied, before an eerie buzzing filled they air. Instinctiely, he ducked, as something flew overhead, cutting through the wall.

"CHAINSAW NUNCHUCKS!!!" the engineer screamed, before being cut down by said weapon. With a silent gesture, a significant portion of the ninja forces overran the devastated D-line, and escaped into the depths of the ship, the remaining forces turning towardsZero'd section.

"God Damn it..."

"Sir! What should we do?" another engineer asked, desperately reloading his shotgun.

"Gimme that!" Zero commanded, picking up a damaged chain.

"...sir!"

"BRING IT ON!!!" Zero roared, causing th eleader of the ninja to spot him, "Your chainsaw nunchucks are now match for my SHOTGUN nunchucks!" with that declaration charged the enemy forces.

Unfortunately, his heroic attak was thwarted a the ninja deftly cleaved his guns in half.

"Oh yeah...chinsaws can cut things..." Zero commented, staring at his destroyed weapon.

"So... why is he in charge again?"

Zero paused, before viciously kicking his opponent in the crotch. As he collapsed in agony, Zero seized the chainsaws, and grinned before falling upon the remaining ninjas like the God of Death.

"Because he's the only engineer with the balls to do that."

 

[Mick]

TFFS Soyokaze, Captain's quarter's Ship Time 2:00 PM

After the private communication between Zero and me was cut off, I resumed my activities until...a man dressed in ninja gear seemed to jump down from a previously unnoticed ventilation duct.

I looked frustrated as I blocked a ninja star coming for Zeni's head with the middle of my hand. It stung like a son of a bitch! But..gotta play it off..look all cool...

"You...asshole...we're busy damn it." So saying I launched a fire bolt from my fingers and sent it into the ninja's skull.

I ignored the burning screaming ninja/burning freak as they ran out of our cabin's quarters. Since the private communications seemed to be down... I called upon the ship's computer.

"Shikodan... lock down the ventilation shafts from intruders please? With extra effort spent for l33t ninja's please?" I asked annoyed as I wrapped my hand in a bandage.

"Shouldn't we do something?" Zeni asked as she stood up out of bed ready to go out and deal with the intruders.

"Forget it..I'll order the crew to do something about these...pests." I asked getting more annoyed and less in the mood from these things.

"But.." Zeni tried to interrupt.

"Hold on Zeni..." I say pulling her back into bed.

"Computer... order the crew to do a sweep..find out where the hell these ninja's are coming from? Where the hell's their ship anyway?" I ask.

"Hmph..fool their is no other ship! The new reactor's acting up.." Shikodan said amused at our problem.

"Get the engineers to fix the damn thing.." I say again at hearing Zero was working on it I rolled my eyes. Ah well better him then me.

"We also have... a few more intruders running amok all over. I can see them causing you all sorts of problems.." The ship's A.I. said still amused at my predicament.

"Whatever, Just tell Locke and whoever's in charge of security to deal with it. I'm busy." I say as I resume kissing Zeni.

"Pirate ship approaching.... you have five minutes. I hope they kill you all." Shikodan said, the anticipation in her 'voice' filling the air and nearly killing the mood.

"Damn it! Issue the commands for all stations to go to battle stations! Keep the intruders that appeared before the ninja's alive! Somebody's going to interrogate these people later and figure out what the hell's going on. As for the ninja's and the pirates... I don't give a damn what you do with them as long as you whipe them out!" I yell rather angry.

Noticing Zeni look at me I take a deep breath, count to ten, and calm down. Before Zeni could speak up I silenced her with a kiss.

The others better fix this damn problem, and soon. Just hope the damn ship makes it intact enough to get to Jurai.

If the ship's too wrecked it will get in the way of 'the plan'. Whatever, if the others didn't resolve this soon... I guess me and Zeni would have to leave and so something to fix the mess ourselves.

 

[Cyberscythe195]

FFS Soyokaze 1:52PM Ship Time, Turbolift

Kerrus wish to slam his head into a wall increased tenfold when the turbolift shutdown in mid transit. 'It's been 17 minutes now.'

... well. That and his only hope of getting out of this crazy place wound up being extra luggage.

Sighing, he pulled the noticibly smaller male onto his back.

Computer, why did the turbolift fail.

The computer beeped, hovered in the air, and then replied.

"We appear to have been infiltrated by ninjas."
"Ninjas?"
"They apparently were made by the chaos core."
"Wonderful."

He paused for a moment, laid his companion on the ground, and kicked him... hard.

Sousuke groaned and re-entered the world of the living. Struggling, he managed to get on his feet.

"Where am I?"
"An alien space ship headed towards your home planet to blow it into pieces and rape your women."

There was a pause...

"Then who the hell are you."
"Me... I'm just a guy on vacation."

Another pause.
Then Kerrus found himself on the floor with Sousuke glomping him.

"Black-sempai!"
"I was being sarcastic dammit. Now get off."

Phaser whipping the Sousuke, Kerrus managed to get back up.

"... now I remember."
"..."
"Are you really human? Do you have tenteclas or something?"
"I'm anatomically correct last time I checked."

Sousuke looked around. "Why are we in a strange room with no door or windows?"

A chainsaw appeared in the walls, ripping it open to reveal a ninja.

"That's why." Kerrus deadpannned.

With practice that came from years of combat and warfare, Sousuke threw his knife right into the ninja's forehead. The others moved into action. Both took a horizontal swing at him, but Souske curled into a ball in midair and went in between.

He went up to the fallen ninja's body, grabbed his knife and the chainsaw nunchucks.

He sliced through the three incoming ninjas with ease.

The two who missed turned their attentions to Kerrus. He sighed then grinned. A white rabbit suddenly appeared from the mess that was his hair.

"Say hello to my little friend."

 

[Kerrus]

FFS Soyokaze 2:01 PM Ship Time, Turbolift

Kerrus mowed through ninjas like a shark through water. Which wasn't to say it was inordinately easy, but merely easier. Kerrus had a phaser. A working phaser, which was more then he could say about the rest of the ship. That his phaser was plugged into the remain of his tricorder and a combadge or two didn't particularly matter to him. That it was firing pink beams that sounding like a thousand souls wailing in torment- or ecstasy, didn't manage to grab his attention either, though personally, Kerrus expected the phaser to grow tentacles any moment now.

It didn't, merely thrumming happily and dispatching another ninja with a well placed shot. Two more ninja lept at him, chainsaw nunchaku revving for his blood. He swept low, tripping one, and discharged his phaser into the rectal cavity of the other leaving a smoking corpse.

"COME ON!" he yelled to Sousuke, dragging the smaller man through the hole that the Ninja had cut. Kerrus payed no attention to the specifics of the Rabbit that sat atop Sousuke's head, prefering to bolt into a corridor and break into a wry grin.

"We're in section Beta Three," he chortled, then tapped out a rapid fire series of commands onto a wall mounted interface. A door slid open gratingly and Kerrus ducked inside. He emerged moments later phaser still in hand, but with a long boxy... thing. Then he tossed a revolver and some ammunition to Sousuke. "You know how to handle a gun, right?"

"Who the hell do you think I am?" Sousuke replied dryly, then turned and placed a bullet straight in the forhead of an approaching ninja. And then he started. "Is it just me, or am I seeing variations on the ninja?"

"If the Chaos Core is doing what I the computer thinks it's doing, then the Core has gotten through the first wave of ninja media and moved on to the second wave. Which includes both Samurai and-"

Kerrus paused to bisect a ninja with a sword that he hadn't had a moment ago, phaser pocketed, then continued his spiel.

"-and anime," Kerrus finished, then read a sign and bolted. "Follow me if you can, we've gotta get to engineering before it hits Naruto or Ninja Scroll, or we're al fucked!"

 

[Cyberscythe195]

FFS Soyokaze 2:02 PM Ship Time, Unknown (Kerrus probably knows but Sousuke doesn't)

After regaining his footing, Sousuke felt himself slowly beginining to lose consciousness. A week in space living off of life support with no nourishment or sustenance can do that to you. His body began to feel heavy, the andrenaline rush from combat slowly beginning to fade. His eyelids slowly drooping dowwnnnwards.....

*Bam*

His eyesight instantly returned along with his consciousness as pain coursed through his head from the blow to his cranium.

Years of training forced his body to locate his attacker...

"Oh, its you."
"That's all you have to say to your only chance of getting out of here in one piece."
"Yep."
"Dick"
"What's my testicles got to do with anything?"

"... are you dense or what."

Ignoring his new found friend who he just found out had a weird way of insulting people (he has Sousuke level intelligence people), he began to move in the direction where the ninjas came from.

"Oi, newbie. What do you got on you?"

Sousuke rummaged through his gear... or what was left of it.

"The revolver, rounds, a chainsaw nunchuck, wrenches, electricians tape, some copper wire, screwdriver... what are you looking at."

"Are you an engineer or something. From the way you fought, I didn't think you knew much about machines."

Sousuke frowned.

"As a pilot, I have a duty to perform maintenance and upgrades on my own mech."
"Oh, then you could be useful."
"Heh?" Sousuke couldn't help but feel nervous.

 

[David Alan Abramczyk]

TFFS Soyokaze 2:02 PM Ship Time, Armoury

Lt. Abramczyk stared in slack-jawed astonishment. Heck, he even boggled. There were Pirates in his office, and Ninjas in his gunracks. And he himself was hiding in a barrel, taking stock of his situation. He looked at the stuff he had in the barrel: a cigarette lighter. A can of hairspray. Two untouched packs of chewing gum, and a bottle of orange juice.

"Time for a MacGuyver and homespun homily." he decided, and set to work.

 

[Kerrus]

FFS Soyokaze 2:30 PM Ship Time

Engineering was, unsurprisingly, chaos. A large contingent of redcoats had holed up on the upper level, and were shooting anyone who came close- though several redshirts appeared to be with them. Two decks below, where Kerrus and Sousuke had limped into the room there were bodies everywhere. Some wearing the red/gold of engineering uniforms across three decades, and some from assorted different media. A lean pirate with a single shot revolver took aim at them from his position against one of the conduits.

Kerrus motioned at him and muttered a few words. The pirate slumped to the ground dead.

"What the hell did you say to him?" Sousuke asked, genuinely impressed.

"The funniest joke in the world. Instantly fatal," Kerrus answered, then turned and started scavenging. A level above several Road Warriors had canabilized several banks of consoles along with a burnt and broken Ferrari to form their own little base, and were currently taking potshots at the redcoats.

"And you aren't dead? How does that work?" Sousuke replied, feeling faint. His stomach rumbled.

"It works because, between you and me," Kerrus said, leaning over to Sousuke. "Kerrus doesn't have all his marbles intact. Fleet sent him here to get him, and everyone else on this ship, out of the way."

Kerrus turned back and stalked off across the room, leaving Sousule to bewilderedly wonder what had happened. Moments later he returned, two steaming cups of coffee in hand. Sousuke eagerly downed his, and Kerrus drank his own at a more sedate pace.

"Where'd you get the-"

"Coffee? The Chaos Core is fickle, there's a set of Italian traders down the maintenance corridor along with half a schooner and a shipment of coffee beans. Additionally, there's some dude with orange hair and a red jacket and a coffee machine. The Italians have no idea what the hell is going on, and I trade them some gold I looted off one of the dead pirates for some fresh coffee. Food can wait," kerrus explained. Sousuke paused a moment to take the explamantion in, before nodding and heading after Kerrus.

Kerrus himself had begun to feel a bit woozy- too much caffeine, not enough solid food. The console mentioned something about override cascade failure, but Kerrus punched it until it flashed an "ALL GREEN" and started displaying override codes.

And then? something else went wrong.