The Thread for Jokes and Funny Anecdotes

AoMythology

Apparently a report-er
#29
-Where should we go if we're beaten up by the police?
-We're conformists. That won't happen.
-But what if...?
-Well...

...Since we are, in fact, conformists....
On the beaten path
 

AoMythology

Apparently a report-er
#30
A Naruto, French language joke, now.

-What is this Zero-tails earring, girl?
-Oh, you recognize it?
-Pleeaase. Everyone knows it's faux Bijuu.

:D
 

seitora

Well-Known Member
#31
So my career is basically working in a technical role in industrial environments. Sometimes, I look at water treatment for water being drawn from a river or lake for operations. As a part of this, at a previous job, I received a call one day in the summer from an accounting beancounter

Beancounter: "Why are we using so much more chemical now than we were a few weeks ago?"

Me: "Well, it's been raining out hard. So when it rains, we get more runoff into the river. Little particles of dirt and so on. And it stirs up the riverbed as well a little. So we need to use more polymer to capture all that extra runoff. But polymer drops the pH of our water, so we need to add sodium hydroxide to bring the pH back up some."

Beancounter: "Well, can't we do something about that?

Me: "...I just explained to you, it's raining, so we need more chemicals because of that."

Beancounter: "No, I mean, can't we do something about the rain?"


At that point, I was just slackjawed for a few seconds, before my ability to snark kicked in, and in my most deadpan tone:

Me: "If I could control the rain, I wouldn't be making five figures here. I'd be working in southern California, where I am sure they'd be more than happy to pay somebody billions of dollars a year if he could control the rain and get rid of their droughts and wildfires."


At that point, he had the decency to realise just how stupid that question was, and quickly wrapped up the conversation :oops:
 

AoMythology

Apparently a report-er
#32
A mother and her twenty-year-old daughter are talking, and the conversation ends up on the girl's most recent romantic entanglement.

D: Mom, I got together with the neighbor!
M: But- he could be your father!
D: I don't care about the age difference!
M: ...Not what I meant...

:p
 

seitora

Well-Known Member
#33
In an unrelated conversation that somehow moved to the topic of the Reign of Terror and the use of guillotines:

Me: When the guillotine was first invented, you could really say it was...cutting-edge technology.
 

seitora

Well-Known Member
#34
A coworker was bitching about shortages of chemicals used for water treatment (see: a few posts above)

Me: You think that's bad? Imagine how short we would be if some of these chemicals were also used in the production of horse dewormer
 

seitora

Well-Known Member
#35
I just realised that the whole joke about "The shortest sentence in the English language is 'I am', the longest sentence is 'I do'", has a goddamn pun in it
 

AoMythology

Apparently a report-er
#36
I just realised that the whole joke about "The shortest sentence in the English language is 'I am', the longest sentence is 'I do'", has a goddamn pun in it
... Marriage for life?

Also, to get back to the topic:
What kind of candy is normally easy to chew, but has become all but impossible, to a teeth-breaking extent?

CeMentos
 

seitora

Well-Known Member
#37
... Marriage for life?
Technically, it even works on two levels in English. 'I do' meaning you're committed for life, but also that it's the longest sentence, being sentenced for life.
 

AoMythology

Apparently a report-er
#39
A guy whose penis was waaaaay too big, to the point where the ladies were too intimidated to do much of anything with him had tried pretty much every medical way to shrink it.

A friend of his recommended a witch out in the boonies. So, he drove and drove, desperate for a solution. According to the witch, he had to go find a certain, magical toad by the swamp near her house and make the toad tell him 'no' and each time, the penis would shrink by 5 inches. She recommended a marriage proposal, as it was a surefire way for the toad to say it.

The guy found the toad, said, "Will you marry me?"

"No."

And indeed, his penis was 20 inches rather than 25! The guy asked again.

"No."

His penis had shrunk to 15 inches!

Just once more, was his thought.

"Will you marry me?"

"Argggh! When will you learn?! No, no, no!" The toad said, exasperated.
 

Shirotsume

Not The Goddamn @dmin
#40
I see all this talk about the head of lettuce lasting longer than Truss at PM, but I'm not sure if we can trust something so new on the political scene. We have no idea of the lettuce's political views or voting history.

Like Brexit, for example- the population deserves to know if it voted for Lettuce or Romaine.
 

da_fox2279

California Crackpot
#41
I see all this talk about the head of lettuce lasting longer than Truss at PM, but I'm not sure if we can trust something so new on the political scene. We have no idea of the lettuce's political views or voting history.

Like Brexit, for example- the population deserves to know if it voted for Lettuce or Romaine.
Goddamn it... take my thumbs up for that pun. ;)
 

seitora

Well-Known Member
#42
So my parents watched a Cirque du Soleil show called 'O'...But my mother keeps calling it 'The Story of O'.

I've been very subtly trying to steer her to calling it the right name, before she recommends it to somebody who puts that in a search engine!
 

chronodekar

Obsessively signs his posts
Staff member
#43
So my parents watched a Cirque du Soleil show called 'O'...But my mother keeps calling it 'The Story of O'.

I've been very subtly trying to steer her to calling it the right name, before she recommends it to somebody who puts that in a search engine!
Yours truly just put that in a search engine ... and agrees with your decision. However, if it were my mother I would just out-right tell her what one interpretation of that choice of words is.

Hmmm... if I were feeling playful, I might do it in front of Dad and have a laugh with him at Mom's expense. :D

-chronodekar
 

AoMythology

Apparently a report-er
#44
"It's Grandpa's 84th birthday today, the first we won't be celebrating together, since he is no longer with us...

"He eloped with his 22-year-old girlfriend."
 

AoMythology

Apparently a report-er
#45
A guy with a gun enters a bar. As soon as he does, he yells out, "Who here has slept with my wife?"

A voice in the bar somewhere says, "King of Cuckolds. Do you have enough bullets in stock?"
 
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