The White Devil of the Moon Chapter 12

bissek

Well-Known Member
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Disclaimer: I do not own MGLN or Sailor Moon

The White Devil of the Moon
By bissek
Chapter 12
Strike, Scapegoat, Sacrifice

It was funny how the flow of time seemed to change during a battle. From the perspective of the people fighting it, the battle with Nephrite had lasted an eternity. But from the objective viewpoint of a clock, a mere thirty seconds had passed between the arrival of Sailor Jupiter's reinforcements and Nephrite's retreat, and the battle as a whole took barely over a minute. But even though Nephrite had failed to achieve his primary goal, everyone there knew that he had won that round.

Vita cursed under her breath. "Why wasn't there a barrier? It should have been up within moments of our arrival!" She demanded.

A moan passed through the air. "The wards..." All eyes turned to the badly wounded form of Corporal Netia, who had been the one assigned to set up the barrier. Vita understood what he was trying to say. The wards that had been placed on the household to prevent anyone from using a transport spell to break in had interfered with his efforts cast the barrier spell. If they'd had more time, it probably wouldn't have mattered, but unfortunately they hadn't.

They should have thought of that. They should have brought more people in the event that the battle spread outdoors rather than limiting the number of combatants to those that could fight in a small room without getting in each other's way. They really should have tagged the whole household with tracking spells, just in case someone got taken captive. Unfortunately, they hadn't.

"Mars!" Vita barked. "Is there any way you can track where they went?"

Sailor Mars held out her hand, palm upward. A ball of flame formed in her hand. Time passed slowly as she gazed into the flame. Finally she shook her head.

"Nothing." Mars sighed. "I can't find a single trace of them."

Vita grimaced. This night had definitely ended in defeat.

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Miyuki's eyes opened slowly. The last she remembered, she had been grabbed by the throat by Mas-Nephrite. Then her head had struck something and she had blacked out.

Looking around as much as she could without moving her head, she could see that she was in a throne room of sorts. Standing around the hall were more of the creatures that had attacked her brother's wedding. At the far side of the room sat a woman in a black dress with red hair.

"I see that you have returned, my General. How has your mission fared?" The woman demanded imperiously.

From her sprawled position on the floor, Miyuki could not see Nephrite, but she could hear him kneel down next to her.

"I regret to inform you that the Moon Princess managed to evade the trap that I had planned for her. But the Dark Kingdom is still victorious." He announced. He grabbed Miyuki by the back of her dress and lifted her up. She gasped involuntarily as she was summarily forced to her feet, ending the illusion she had presented that she was still unconscious. But as she was lifted, she felt the familiar shapes of her kodachi moving under the skirt of her gown. A slight flexing of her wrists revealed that her knives were still present as well. Nephrite had taken her to his leader without having first searched her for weapons. That gave her an opportunity.

She was now in the same room as the woman who tried to kill her sister, and she had her weapons at hand. There was no telling if such a chance would happen again. If she moved quickly she could eliminate the threat to her family. There was a chance that she wouldn't survive the battle, but Miyuki doubted that they had any intention of keeping her alive for long. If she was going to die this day, then she would die knowing that her family was safe because of her.

"Your Majesty, I present to you Miyuki Takamachi, elder sister of the Moon Princess." Nephrite proclaimed. "On your knees before Her Majesty Queen Beryl, Ruler of the Dark Kingdom and soon of your pathetic world as well." He commanded as he disdainfully dropped Miyuki back on the floor.

Miyuki slowly rose from the floor, and obediently arranged her body into a kneeling position. There was no point in disobeying. After all, a kneeling position was fairly close to the starting position for a sprint.

Miyuki sprung from the ground and started running towards Beryl. She would only have once shot at this, so she would have to make it count. A deliberate snap of her wrists and a throwing knife fell into each hand. Each was hurled with deadly precision at the self-styled queen.

Both knives were stopped by an unseen barrier before they could strike. The surprise on Beryl's face at the sudden charge twisted into rage as she realized what was happening.

"Seize her!" She demanded. The youma lining the throne room all eagerly launched themselves at the young woman attacking their ruler.

Miyuki knew that she had little chance of defeating the youma. She knew from personal experience that any wound she inflicted on one of them with her non-magical swords would heal rapidly. Unless she found some way of killing them instantly (Which wasn't likely), they would recover and return to the fight. But just because she couldn't kill them with the weapons she had on hand didn't mean she couldn't hurt them. And the basic humanoid shape of the youma meant that there were weak points inherent in their anatomy that would allow her to temporarily cripple them with a single stroke. Drawing her swords, Miyuki prepared to face her opponents.

The first one clawed at her with a high swing. She ducked under it and slashed its hamstring, causing it to drop to the floor. Turning her attention to the other youma, she saw that they were coming at her from all angles. That was bad - for them. She was the only person on her side present. Anyone she hit was an enemy. They had to worry about striking an ally, she didn't. So long as she kept moving, the fact that she was outnumbered actually worked in her favor.

Diving into the middle of the fray, Miyuki weaved between her opponents, stabbing at joints and slashing at muscle groups in limbs. The youma did their best to attack their rapidly moving target, but in the close press they were in, most of the time they hit each other. And while Miyuki's blades couldn't inflict permanent harm on a youma, another youma most certainly could. But she wasn't able to dodge everything. One managed to claw at her face before she could get clear. Another one, which she had temporarily rendered unable to stand, bit her in the leg. She kicked it away and kept fighting.

Eventually Miyuki found herself standing alone, all of the youma either slain by each other's hands or temporarily unable to stand. A quick glance around to catch her bearings caught a glimpse of Nephrite. His impeccable suit was battered, his face was bloody, his eyes were blackened, and his nose was crooked. Apparently Nanoha's friends had done a number to him before he managed to kidnap her. Good.

Miyuki could see a ball of energy forming in Nephrite's hand. Miyuki threw herself to the side, hoping that his attacks couldn't redirect themselves in midflight like Fate and Nanoha's could. As the spell shot past the space where her abdomen had just been, the heat of its passage scorched through her dress, lightly burning her hip. Miyuki didn't want to think about how much worse it would have been had it actually hit her. Rolling back to her feet, she turned to Beryl and made a desperate charge.

Moving on pure instinct, Miyuki jerked to one side or the other as she ran, narrowly dodging Nephrite's attempts to take her down, forcing herself to ignore the burns she was acquiring from the near misses and the pain in her leg. Reaching the dais on which Beryl's throne lay, she crouched as one final shot passed above her, flying past her towards the ruler of the Dark Kingdom. As Beryl defended herself against the accidental attack from her own general, Miyuki struck, left blade in a low thrust to the belly, right blade in a vertical slice to cut the body open from navel to throat.

It almost worked. Just as her swords were about to connect, a wave of force struck Miyuki and hurled her backwards. Miyuki's swords fell from her hands as she flew backwards across the throne room. Her last thought before her head struck the floor with enough force to knock her unconscious was to curse her luck. She had been so close...

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Vita's heart was heavy as she returned to base. Less than a year before, she had gotten too focused on the fight in front of her to remember to watch her partner's back, and Nanoha had been forced to spend six months in the hospital as a direct result of that mistake. And now she had failed her again.

Vita tried to delay the moment she had to admit her failure as long as she could. But there was only so long she could stretch out turning Corporal Netia over to Shamal's care, and she couldn't think of anything else that would plausibly allow her to defer making her report. Shuffling into the room where Hayate and Nanoha were waiting, she took a deep breath and prepared to tell them the bad news.

"The mission was a failure." Vita confessed, unable to bring herself to look either of them in the eye. "The target noticed the trap before most of the personnel were in position, and the existing wards on the residence interfered with our efforts to establish a barrier. We were able to wound the target, but he was able to seize a hostage and make his escape after seriously injuring Corporal Netia."

"I'm sorry, Nanoha!" She sobbed. "He kidnapped your sister! There's wasn't anything we could do to stop him. He moved too fast, and once he grabbed her, we couldn't do anything without risking Miyuki getting hurt. I'm sorry! I'm so sorry..."

Vita stopped as she felt a hand rest on her shoulder.

"It's alright Vita-chan. It wasn't your fault."

"But-" Vita started but halted as she looked up. Nanoha wasn't looking down at her.

"I wasn't your fault. It was Nephirite who took Miyuki. And it was Beryl who sent him. And it's them that are probably hurting Miyuki right now." she spoke in the same calm voice she always used. But it wasn't the same.

"But we'll get her back Vita-chan. We'll save her." Vita noticed that her other hand was now pulled into a fist. And it was shaking.

"And they will. Not. Hurt. Anyone. Else."

As Vita looked up to Nanoha's eyes, she couldn't help the cold pit forming in her stomach. The same cold she had felt when she had seen those eyes leveled at her from a young girl, surrounded by fire. She remembered what she had called the girl back then...

"I'm going to make sure of it."

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Nephrite knew that failing to return with the Moon Princess's head would displease his queen. That was why he had brought back a prisoner, to show that he had still achieved something of worth. Then his prisoner had turned out to be armed and made an attempt of the Queen's life, an attempt that came within inches of succeeding. He knew that Beryl's wrath over this incident would be severe, but he didn't expect to her order Kunzite to throw him in chains and drag him to a cell.

Now as he found himself with his life in ruins, he found himself wondering where his brilliant plan had gone wrong. What had he done that had allowed the Moon Princess to figure out his trap? Had it not been for a chance slip of the tongue, he would have been trapped and destroyed at the Takamachi residence. Even the minor victory he achieved there was turned against him, as his prisoner used it as an opportunity to strike at an even more important figure in the Dark Kingdom. Clearly the Moon Princess was a far more devious opponent than he had originally thought.

Beryl swept into his cell. Nephrite was shocked to see a narrow cut, a little smaller than the length of his thumb, marring her face just below her left eye. The wound must have been inflicted as she had repelled her attacked. Nephrite shuddered to think how close his queen had come to death.

"So, my 'faithful' General," Beryl sneered, "What did the Moon Princess promise you in exchange for your betrayal?"

"Your M-Majesty, I have always been loyal to you..." Nephrite stammered.

"Don't lie to me! The reason it took you so long to track down the Moon Princess was because you sold your services to her and waited until a time of her choosing to let me know of her whereabouts. Then you sent Jadeite into a trap. Now you bring an armed assassin into my throne room. You didn't even attempt to stop her before she had taken out all of the youma, and when you finally intervened, you just happened to miss every shot up until the moment you attacked me, giving her the opening she needed to attack me. You let the princess's agents rough you up before bringing in her assassin, didn't you?

"But your treason has failed. I have both you and your partner. And you will both tell me everything you know about the Moon Princess as you feel my displeasure in full measure."

Nephrite tried to protest that he had never knowingly acted against his queen, but Beryl wasn't interested in his excuses. Within moments, his world erupted in endless pain.

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Hotaru's world had been changing rapidly lately. One day she was a girl with health problems who was disliked by everyone at school because she had a strange ability. Then she met a girl half her age who told her that her power didn't make her a freak, it made her a mage, and that there were others like her. Now the friend that she thought was half her age turned out to be three times older than she was, with a teenaged sister who happened to be one of the world's first real-life magical girls. A teenaged younger sister, which just made things stranger. Now, as her friend was taking her to her sister's home, Hotaru wondered what new surprises were in store for her.

Quite a few, it seemed. Upon knocking on the door to Fate's home, she herself greeted by a floating girl the size of a doll.

"Hello. Who are you?" The doll asked.

Hotaru was too busy gaping in shock to answer. Fortunately another voice intervened.

"You're Hotaru, right? Let her in Rein, she's expected." Alicia nodded dumbly, wondering where the other voice was coming from. She couldn't see anyone in the room, just the floating girl and a puppy. Then the puppy opened it's mouth.

"My name's Aruf. I'll let Alicia know you're here." The dog padded off, and returned with Alicia.

"Hotaru! You came!" Alicia shouted gladly.

"T-The dog... talked." Hotaru stammered.

"Yup! Aruf's my sister's familiar. She made her when she was seven. Isn't that impressive? I don't think that I'll be good enough at magic to make a familiar a year from now."

Floating miniature girls. Talking pets. And Alicia was acting as if this kind of thing was totally normal. Hotaru knew that growing up with magic as an everyday part of one's life would make Alicia's perspective different, but there were times it felt as if her friend was from a totally different world.

"Let me show you around. Everyone's a little busy at the moment, so I'll have to introduce you to the others later." With that, Hotaru was taken on a quick tour of her friend's new home. Most of the rooms seemed fairly normal, apart from the fact that there were computers everywhere. Then she was taken into a room where a woman was watching a screen and commenting on what she was watching. Displayed on the screen was something that Hotaru had never expected to see in person.

The Sailor Senshi. The girls who had long been considered an urban legend were apparently being shown on a live video feed. They were throwing spells at objects that were passing by them, and dodging attacks being thrown at them.

After that activity continued for several minutes, the woman addressed the screen. "Okay, that's enough. Good work, everyone." She then turned to face her visitors. Despite her smiling face, Hotaru could tell that she was worried about something. "You must be Hotaru. Alicia said you'd be coming. I'm Nanoha."

"Were those really the Sailor Senshi?" Hotaru asked hesitantly.

Nanoha nodded. "I've been training them ever since they contacted me shortly after my brother's wedding."

"Training them."

"That's what I do for a living. I train mages. Normally I'd be teaching them in person, but since Shamal insists that I can't use any magic at the moment, I have to settle for just supervising."

"Do you think you could teach me?"

Nanoha's face grew concerned. "Are you sure you want to go into this kind of work? It's very dangerous. I still haven't fully recovered from injuries I received more than half a year ago."

"The only thing I can do with my magic is heal. I want to be a nurse when I grow up."

Nanoha relaxed. "I can't help you with that - I don't know much about healing magic myself - but I know someone who can. Let me introduce you to Shamal."

Shamal was a blonde who was holding a strange device consisting of rings and thin chains hanging from one hand over an injured man.

"What happened to him?" Hotaru asked.

"Corporal Netia was in a battle last night. The Dark General we were hoping to trap wounded him before escaping. What's worse, he kidnapped my sister while he was making his escape." Hotaru noticed that one of Nanoha's hands clenched as she said that.

No wonder Nanoha had wanted Hotaru to be sure about whether or not she really wanted to be a mage. It seemed that being a magical girl wasn't all dramatic speeches and flashy battles like it was portrayed on TV.

Shamal eventually finished what she was doing with the wounded man and turned her attention to the visitors.

"He's past the worst of it, but I'm afraid he'll be out of action for quite some time." She reported.

"Shamal, this is Alicia's friend Hotaru. She's interested in learning more about healing magic." Nanoha said.

"Really? What kind of healing spells do you know right now?"

"I don't really know any spells. I just call on my power and I heal people. Most of the time I've just been using it on cuts, but there was this one time I used it on Alicia's mother when she started coughing up blood, and she was able to breathe easily after that."

Shamal gaped. "You're telling me that you only have a spell you invented yourself, with no understanding of what you were doing, and you were able to use it to treat a woman with terminal lung cancer? Even if what you did was just a temporary remedy rather than an actual cure, that's amazing!"

"Really?" Hotaru had been mocked about her healing powers for as long as she had them. Even after finally finding people who didn't see them as strange, she never thought that the one thing she'd ever been able to do with them would impress a professional magical healer.

"I'd like to see this spell of yours in action. Try casting it on Nanoha's back. Do it as slowly as you can, and if I tell you to stop, I want you to do so immediately, okay?"

Hotaru obediently started trying to heal Nanoha's back. This was the first time she'd ever really tried to limit how much effort she put into healing. Normally, she just tried to heal the injuries before her as best as she could until they were gone. It was harder than she thought it would be. After one very long minute, Shamal indicated that she could stop.

"Interesting. I've never seen any healing spell quite like it before. It's nothing like any medical spell in the Belkan school, or any other school I've heard of. How are you feeling, Nanoha?" Shamal asked.

"I feel... great. It's like I've suddenly become lighter. Almost as if the sluggishness I was feeling in the days before I was injured was starting to reverse."

"But that would mean..." Shamal brought out the collection of rings and chains again. Her eyes widened in surprise. "Sankt Kaiser..."

"What is it?"

"Your Linker Core has regenerated significantly since I last checked you three days ago. Far more than could possibly happen naturally, given how badly you had abused it."

"Um... what does that mean?" Hotaru inquired.

"Linker Cores are sort of like a muscle that mages use whenever they cast a magic spell. Nanoha overstrained hers shortly before she injured her back. Up until now, I didn't think it was possible for a Linker Core to be healed by anything other than time. Your little spell has done two things which all medical thaumaturges had previously thought impossible."

Shamal waved her strange jewelry over Hotaru. Her eyes got even wider.

"Triple S." She breathed.

"Are you serious?" Nanoha asked.

"Quite serious. Hotaru here has SSS potential."

"What does that mean?" Alicia wondered.

"It means that if you work hard, there will come a day when Hayate is no longer the most powerful mage alive." Nanoha said.

"You've got to be joking." Hotaru said. For years most everyone she knew treated her as a freak, and now she was being told she was some kind of super-prodigy? This couldn't be real.

"I'm not joking. It's a good thing that you expressed your magic with healing rather than something destructive, or you might have ended up blowing up the planet." Shamal said. Turning to Nanoha, she asked, "What is it with this world? Everyone either has no magic to speak of, or they threaten to blow the scale. Is there something in the water here?"

Something in the way Shamal talked gave Hotaru the impression that her comment about destroying the world wasn't an exaggeration. If that was the case, then she was glad that she didn't have the slightest idea as to how to use her magic to hurt people.

Hotaru turned to Alicia. At least, she tried to. The lack of feeling in her right foot had started to spread into her left. Since she had gotten into the habit of favoring that foot because it wasn't paralyzed like her right foot was, she lost her balance and fell to the floor.

"Hotaru! Are you alright?" Alicia gasped.

"I'm... alright," Hotaru said. "This isn't the first time this has happened."

"And why have you been falling down recently, Hotaru?" Nanoha asked. "There wasn't anything for you to trip on."

Hotaru hesitated. She hadn't discussed what had been happening to her with anyone before. Her father hadn't been available, she hated her father's assistant Kaori, and she hadn't wanted to worry Alicia. For all she knew it was just a malfunction in her prosthetics. But there was a doctor here, who might be able to help her.

"For some reason, my right foot just doesn't move or feel anything anymore. And now, all of a sudden, my left foot is starting to act like that as well."

Nanoha and Shamal exchanged shocked glances.

"You don't think it could be like..." Nanoha began.

Shamal had her tool out again. "What had happed to Hayate." She confirmed.

"What was that?" Alicia asked. Was there some kind of bizarre medical condition that only affected abnormally powerful mages?

"Hayate had suffered from something that looked like this when I first met her." Nanoha explained. "If we're right, there's something that is feeding off of Hotaru's Linker Core like the book was feeding off of Hayate's. The paralysis is a side effect, that will gradually spread through her body. If it reaches her heart or lungs..."

Hotaru winced.

"But surely there's something you can do to help her!" Alicia protested. "After all, Hayate's still around, and she doesn't have any trouble walking."

Shamal nodded gravely. "It should be possible to sever the connection between Hotaru and whatever is causing this. If that happens, she should make a full recovery. Hopefully, it won't be as persistent as what was affected Hayate was. We had to blow that thing up to get rid of it.

"I'll need to look up some of my old notes from when Hayate was recovering to figure out how to proceed. In the meantime, Hotaru, tell your parents about the cause of your health problem. I'll need their permission to proceed with removing the parasite. Don't use your magic until further notice. It will only accelerate the spread of the paralysis."

As Shamal looked around her workroom for something that Hotaru could use as a cane, Hotaru was forced to concede that meeting Alicia had changed her life far more than she had ever thought possible, even from the perspective she had held that very morning.

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Miyuki was woken up by two figures who roughly grabbed her and started dragging her down a hallway. Her head pounded as she tried to get her eyes to focus. Eventually her blurred vision started to clear as they reached a large room.

This was not the throne room that she had woken in before. It was a workroom, where Miyuki could see youma building things that looked like the robots that had attacked Kyouya's wedding. As she entered the room she noticed several youma started gathering around her. Clearly they had no intention of letting her make another attempt at attacking them, a notion that was reinforced when Miyuki realized that this time they had made certain to search her for weapons before they had hauled her wherever she was at the moment.

Beryl was observing the construction of the drones. When she noticed the arrival of her prisoner, she swept across the room to address Miyuki, who remained firmly held by her guards to prevent her from trying to assassinate their liege again. The leader of the youma greeted her captive with a vicious slap.

"You see what you've done to me, you wretched girl?" She snarled, tracing one impractically long fingernail down a rather shallow cut near her left eye. "You've marred my perfect face! How can I face my darling Endymion looking like this?"

Privately, Miyuki thought that a cut that shallow might not scar at all, and even if it did it would be easily concealable with a little makeup. The injuries that she had taken to her own face were probably a lot worse, and she doubted that they would be as hideously disfiguring as Beryl was treating her minor wound. She doubted that such a minor injury would have any impact on Beryl's love life. At least, not compared to the fact that she was willing to send assassins after any perceived rivals.

"You will pay for that. Just as your precious sister will pay for stealing Endymion from me. I don't know what kind of spell she used to ensnare him, but I have no doubt that it will die with her."

"You do realize that Nanoha dumped that guy after the first date, right?" Miyuki cut in.

"What!" Beryl's eyes widened in shock.

"If it wasn't for the whole lovers in a past life thing, I doubt he'd have gotten that far. She's not interested in men.

"What's more, up until you decided to do your best to ruin my brother's wedding, we'd never heard of either of you. If you'd just left us alone, Nanoha would never gotten involved in this petty little war of yours."

Beryl froze as she tried to wrap her mind around the notion that she had made a mistake. Miyuki wasn't entirely surprised when she failed.

"That doesn't change the fact that your sister killed my general, and that you attacked and disfigured me." She countered, conveniently ignoring that neither of those events would have happened had it not been for Beryl's actions. "And now you are going to tell me everything you know about your sister and her Senshi."

"You want to know about my sister? Fine. She's got more experience than all of the Senshi combined, and enough power to flatten a city. Some of her friends are even stronger. And you just did something guaranteed to make her mad. Sometime very, very soon, you will learn exactly why Vita dubbed my sister the White Devil, and if you're really lucky, your end will come as quickly as the guy you sent to break my father's arm did."

Beryl laughed. "You think to threaten me? You don't seem to understand the power of the Dark Kingdom. There is absolutely nothing your dear sister can possibly do to stop the revival of Metallia. I doubt she'll even live long enough to see its return. Because you're going to tell me exactly how to destroy her."

There really wasn't much Miyuki could have told Beryl about Nanoha's style of magic, even if she had wanted to. The math behind the spells Nanoha was using back when she was nine had gone completely over her head the one time she had tried explaining how it worked to her family, and Miyuki doubted that her sister had gone into simpler spells in the years that followed. Then she realized that she did know two things that Beryl would want to know. She knew the given name of Sailor Venus, and the address her sister was staying at.

Pain erupted in Miyuki's body when Beryl realized that she had no intention of talking. The session seemed to go on for an eternity, with Beryl asking questions, many of which Miyuki didn't know that answers to in the first place. And whenever Miyuki didn't answer, she was wracked with another wave of agony. Finally, Beryl tired of her prisoner's endless screaming and ordered Miyuki returned to her cell.

As Miyuki passed one of the work tables, she stumbled and fell, knocking the contents of the table on the floor as she did so. Slowly rising to her feet, she limped painfully along with the guards taking her away, with one hand pressed to her injured leg. The guards paid no attention to her battered state as they threw her back into the cell she had woken in.

As the door locked behind her, Miyuki stopped holding her leg. A thin metal rod that she had knocked off the work table and slipped under her skirt when she had fallen down dropped to the floor. Picking it up, she experimentally attempted to flex it. It was strong enough to use as a weapon.

But that would have to wait for another time. She had no idea how to get out of the prison, or even where in the world her prison was. A reckless escape attempt would accomplish nothing. On top of that, she had taken two solid blows to the head recently, and now that the adrenaline rush from her attempt on Beryl was gone, she didn't think she would be able to run on her injured leg. She wasn't exactly in fighting trim. No, right now, she needed to rest and heal, and wait for the proper opportunity.

After hiding her weapon beneath the rather slim mattress, Miyuki started to rip up her dress to make bandages.

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Ami was not in a good mood. Given how the day had gone, this shouldn't have been the case. Yuuno had managed to find a book in the archives recovered from the Moon Palace that described the nature of Senshi magic. Even the quick browse through it she had managed so far had provided enough information that she now had a basic understanding of how her powers actually worked. With that, she could presumably do more than just use the handful of spells that she could remember from her previous incarnation. On top of that, the Senshi as a whole had managed to get through the rubber ball exercise without getting turned into an enormous mass of bruises. But neither of these could counter the main issue that was weighing in her mind.

Her mother had yet to regain consciousness. Nobody had the slightest idea as to how to treat her other than to hope she would eventually wake up. There was the hope of finding some possible treatment in one of the tomes taken from the Moon Palace, but Yuuno had just barely finished a basic categorization of all the books. There was no telling at this point which, if any, of the books categorized under "Magic" or "Medicine" had anything that would work.

In addition to the fact that Ami had no idea if or when she could speak to her mother again, the situation had left her without a legal guardian. She hadn't spoken to her father in years. The last time she had actually seen him was several months before the divorce papers arrived in the mail. Because of that, Ami had no idea what would happen to her once the authorities realized that.

She was still brooding about her mother's condition and her own probably fate when she followed her instructors of the day back to the TSAB's base to collect the book on Senshi magic for further study. On her way out, she ran into someone she really didn't want to meet.

Alicia Testarossa. The reason why a deranged sorceress had decided to start lethally draining the life out of people. The reason why her mother was currently in a coma. Ami's fists clenched as she looked at the girl who had completely derailed her life just by existing.

She seemed so sweet. So innocent. As if she was totally unaware of all the havoc that she had caused. As if three people weren't dead because of her. It made Ami angry just to think about it. Finally Ami head the girl make a comment about her mother's actions and couldn't hold it in anymore.

"You want to know what your mother was doing?" She snapped. "She was sucking the life out of people, and giving it to you. Every breath you take was stolen from the people she killed. That's what she was doing."

Everyone in the room stared in shock at Ami's outburst. She ignored them as she stormed out of the base and headed home.

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Fate had been trying to avoid discussing her mother's criminal actions around Alicia. She just hadn't been able to come up with a way to break the news about Alicia's condition to her gently. There wasn't really a good method to explain to a six year old child that she was terminally ill and that she would have died long ago if it weren't for the murderous actions of a women she only knew of as a loving mother. Unfortunately, after Mizuno-san's outburst, it was no longer possible to delay that conversation.

"W-Was she telling the truth, imouto?" Alicia sobbed, her eyes welling up with tears. It was clear that she was desperately hoping that what she had heard was a lie.

Fate sighed. She had hoped this wouldn't be necessary, but she didn't really have a choice. "You were very badly hurt when Mother's project went critical." She explained. "Everyone other than her gave you up for dead. She devoted the rest of her life to finding a way to revive you, not caring if some of the things she tried were illegal.

"From what we can tell, what she came up with was to drain energy from other people and give it to you. Apparently she drained so much that some of the people that she did it to died. The reason that that girl was so harsh in telling you about it is that her mother was one of the people that Mother attacked."

"But if she got me to wake up earlier, why did I have to go to the hospital? Why did she need to attack those people?"

"She was able to wake you up, but she couldn't fix what was wrong with you. She needed more energy to keep you alive."

"Then, if she doesn't keep stealing energy, I'm... going to die?"

"I'm sorry, Alicia."

Alicia threw herself into her sister's arms. "I don't want to have to kill anyone, but I don't want to die! What do I do, imouto? What do I do?" She wailed.

Fate cradled her sister in her arms. She wished that she knew the answer to that herself.

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Precia's life had been falling apart. Her daughter was slowly dying. On top of that, she had been taken from her and was now almost certainly in the hands of the people who had done their utmost to ensure that Alicia would never have been revived in the first place. And both the local police and the TSAB were looking for her.

The crimes that the authorities were charging her with were ludicrous. Murder? What did the lives of a few nobodies from a backwater planet that hadn't even discovered formal thaumaturgy yet matter, especially people who were likely to die soon anyway? Fleeing police custody? How could taking her sick child away from the people who were willing to let her die possibly be a crime? But the one that angered her the most was the child abuse. How could she possibly be considered a child abuser? The only children she had spent any time around in decades were Alicia and her friend Hotaru, and she hadn't done anything to hurt them.

She had to get to Alicia. If Alicia remained in the hands of the TSAB they were almost certain to allow her beloved child to die. She was certain that her daughter would understand what she had been doing in the hospital if she could only get the chance to explain. Once that was done, Precia could take her child and flee to some other world. It would require Alicia to leave her first friend behind, but it was the only way to ensure her safety.

Unfortunately, she couldn't just scry her daughter out. The TSAB had undoubtedly warded their facility to guard against scrying spells just as Precia had taken similar precautions to keep them from tracking her down.

Her only real hope of finding Alicia before she ran out of time was the possibility that she would still be attending school. There was the risk that her enemies would also be watching the school, but she didn't have any other choice. She would just have to hope that she could overpower any opposition and rescue her daughter before reinforcements could arrive.

Watching the Mugen Gakuen campus as she waited for the school day to end, Precia realized that her suspicions were correct. A vehicle with the markings of the local police department stopped near the campus, ostensibly to coordinate the traffic difficulties caused by a large number of people trying to leave at the same time while other people were trying to use the road, but obviously to watch for her. And approaching the school she could make out the person the TSAB had sent to watch for her.

Fate. The clone that she had created to help her revive Alicia and had ultimately turned out to be completely useless in that regard. She had grown considerably in the years since they had last met, but Precia recognized her instantly. Between the effort it had taken to create her and the time having her trained for her ultimate purpose, she had wasted decades on that wretched creature, and it had all been for nothing. Now the girl had moved from simply being incapable of helping Precia achieve her goals to actively working against her creator.

Frowning at the sight of her treacherous creation, Precia went to retrieve her daughter.

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Things had gotten awkward at school for Alicia. Her mother had been caught red-handed in an act of murder, and the details that had been made public had spread across the school. Not many people wanted to associate with the child of a criminal. The only person who hadn't changed her behavior towards Alicia because of that incident was actually the first person to learn of it. Hotaru, Alicia's first and only real friend at school.

That didn't disturb Alicia quite as much as the reason why her mother had killed those people. If her mother hadn't done it, she would be dead right now. And those stolen lives didn't really save her life, they just bought her some more time. Sooner or later she would start to fade.

And that was the problem. Her mother's method of dealing with the problem wasn't really a solution, it was just a way of delaying the problem at a terrible cost. Was she really willing to accept that cost to stay alive now that she knew of it? Having looked into the eyes of one person who had nearly lost family because of her mother's deeds, Alicia didn't think she was.

The day ended, and everyone who had plans for the afternoon that didn't involve the school facilities started to file out of the building. In the distance, Alicia could see the usual police officer dealing with the typical traffic congestion caused by the end-of-school-day routine. Her sister would be arriving to pick her up soon.

A thunderclap split the air and the policeman went flying. Most of the students leaving the school scattered, screaming in terror. As the crowd dispersed, Alicia saw a figure drift down from the roof of the building across the street and head towards her.

"Alicia, dear. It's time to come home." Her mother said entreatingly.

Alicia started backing away. For all that the woman before her was her mother, all that Alicia could feel was fear. Her mother had just attacked a man for no reason. The last time they had met, she had witnessed her mother suck the life out of a woman and laugh as she did so. Her mother had changed in the decades that she had slept, and the person she had become scared her.

Suddenly, a black form cut through the air between them, and Alicia saw her sister standing in the air in front of their mother, her Device at the ready.

"That's far enough." Fate said.

"You stand against me? I made you, you wretched girl!" Their mother snarled.

Even from behind, Alicia could see her sister flinch. In that moment, their mother raised her staff. Lightning crackled out from it, striking Fate and forcing her to the ground. The staff then shifted into a whip, which lashed out at Fate. Alicia watched with horror as her mother whipped her sister again and again. As she saw Fate stumble backwards, her body covered in welts and cuts, Alicia knew she had to do something. Running towards the battle, she placed herself between her sister and her mother.

"Get out of the way Alicia." Her mother commanded in a cold voice that she had never addressed Alicia in in her entire life.

"No, Mother." Alicia insisted. "I can't let you go on hurting my sister."

"Your sister?" Her mother laughed. "What has Fate been telling you? That thing is not your sister. Fate isn't even a person. What you are protecting is nothing more than a construct I created in your image. A tool, which I discarded like the worthless trash it was the moment it proved incapable of serving the purpose for which I built it.

"Now just step aside so I can dispose of this useless creation of mine once and for all."

Alicia looked at her mother. At the crackling ball of energy she was forming. At way the hatred twisting her features made her almost unrecognizable to her. And she slowly shook her head.

"You dare to disobey your mother? You wretched little child!" Her mother screamed, throwing the spell at her.

Alicia cried out in pain as the spell hurled her away from Fate. She had never hurt so much in her entire life. Blinking back tears, she was forced to watch, unable to do anything as her mother again prepared to murder her younger daughter in cold blood.

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Fate couldn't believe what she had just seen. She wiped the blood leaking from a cut on her forehead away from her eyes, but the image before her didn't change. Her mother had just attacked Alicia. And not just a mild smack to discipline an unruly child, that had been a serious assault.

Fate had never wanted to believe that her mother was a bad person. Even though all she had received from the woman was pain and scorn, Fate had tried to see the good in her, the smiling woman she saw in Alicia's memories. Precia Testarossa wasn't an evil woman, she was just a loving mother driven to desperation by the loss of her beloved daughter, to the point where she didn't care about what consequences her actions brought on others so long as Alicia was safe. At least, that was what she had thought.

But that was before this latest action. There was no way that the theory that Fate had constructed for her mother's earlier actions could be reconciled with her present ones. There was no longer any was for Fate to view her mother's deeds as the monstrous acts that they were. Precia Testarossa was no longer a caring woman gone mad with grief. She was a criminal who needed to be stopped.

"Bardiche." Fate snapped.

"Yes, Sir. Zamber Form. Sonic mode." Her device responded.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The attack was sudden. One moment her failed creation was on the ground holding a scythe, and the next she was right in front of her, trying to cut her in half with a sword that was nearly as tall as she was. Precia was barely able to shift her device to staff form and bring it up to block the attack in time.

But it wasn't the speed of the attack that surprised her. Nor was it the way that Fate's device had changes shape or how her barrier jacket had lost its cloak and become more streamlined. It was the sight of something on her creation's face that Precia had never seen there before. Anger.

"You used me as an accomplice in your illegal schemes." Fate snarled, "You whipped me whenever I failed to meet your impossible standards. You murdered Linith for daring to ask that you treat me as your own flesh and blood for one evening. You nearly did the same to Aruf when she called you out on your actions. But I never dreamed that you'd sink so low as to hurt Alicia."

As Precia struggled to defend herself against her enraged creation, she realized what had happened. Despite all the pain and scorn that she had heaped upon her creation, Fate had genuinely loved her mother. Because of that, she hadn't been able to bring herself to seriously attempt to harm her creator. But in a moment of impulsive anger, she had committed the one act that Fate could not forgive.

She tried to strike back at her attacked, but Fate was moving far too fast to hit. She could barely track the movements of her opponent, much less keep up with them. If she was going to win the fight, she was going to have to pull out her trump card. Calling up a shield spell to hold off Fate, she unsealed the Jewel Seeds stored in her device.

The eight Lost Logia hummed with power as she activated them. The ground started to shake beneath her feet as she prepared to use the energy contained within to obliterate her creation. Then a black and yellow streak shot towards her. Using the momentum created by her enhanced speed, Fate launched herself blade first at her mother. Precia's shield shattered under the force of the blow, barely slowing it down as the blade kept going and slammed into her torso.

"My name is Harlaown now, not Testarossa. You are not my mother." Fate growled as she pulled the blade free.

Precia gasped in pain as she slid off the sword and fell to the ground, the Jewel Seeds dropping around her. Had the sword been any wider, she might have been cut in half from that single thrust. As it was, the wound was easily large enough to be fatal.

As she started to bleed out, Precia saw her creation limp over to her daughter, and heard her daughter again refer to the clone as her sister. That repeated reference caused her to remember a moment from a happier point in her life.

It had been the last picnic she had been able to take Alicia on before her work forced her to spend most of her time away from her child. She had asked her daughter what she had wanted for her birthday, and Alicia had asked for a little sister. Now that she was dying, she realized that she had actually given her child that gift without ever intending to. And just how terrible a mother she had been to the daughter she had rejected.

How was it that a familiar could be so much wiser than its creator? Linith had seen Fate for what she truly was, and had tried to get Precia to realize that, but she had refused to listen. What was it that Linith had told her, the day that Precia decided to let her die upon fulfilling her role rather than returning her to her original form? Oh, yes. 'You may not have much time left, but you still have enough time to set things right.' Back then, Precia had ignored that advice, but now that there was no time left at all, she could see what a fool she had been to have done so.

Forgive me, Linith. You were right. You were right.....

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Fate looked sadly at the dying form of the woman who had created her. She had wanted to take Precia alive, but the moment she started using the Jewel Seeds, Fate knew that she had to take her down as quickly as possible in order to prevent a dimensional disturbance that could potentially wreck a sizable portion of the planet.

Fate limped over to her sister's unmoving form. From where she laid, Alicia had seen the entire fight. She didn't want to know what was going through the other girl's head. She had just seen her mother die by her sister's hand. She had only recently learned of her mother's crimes, and knew nothing of the potential catastrophe that Fate had averted by cutting Precia down. Kneeling down, Fate took her sister's hand.

"Are you alright, imouto?" Alicia asked weakly.

"All I ever wanted," Fate said, her voice cracking with grief, "Was for her to smile at me the way she always smiled at you. Just once. Was that really too much to ask?"

The two sisters wept. In the distance, Fate could hear the local police arriving, no doubt summoned by somebody reporting the presence of a wanted killer or her battle with said killer at the school. This was followed by the reinforcements Fate had called the moment she had seen Precia arrive, and ambulances called in to treat the bystanders injured by the battle. That didn't matter at the moment. All that mattered to the two mourning siblings was the fact that they weren't mourning alone.

When the two finally looked away from each other, the police were photographing the scene of the battle and taking statements from the witnesses. While there was definitely going to be an official investigation of the fight, it was apparent that the police were quite happy with the notion that a recent multiple murderess had just been killed while in the process of committing another crime, thus allowing them to close the hospital murder case.

As the coroner took custody of Precia's body, Fate saw Yuuno start picking things up around where the body lay.

"What are those?" An officer asked of him.

"These are what caused the earthquake that hit a few minutes ago, along with the bigger one that hit Japan the summer of seven years ago." Yuuno answered.

"Are you saying these little stones cause earthquakes?" The officer laughed.

"Not intentionally. The Jewel Seeds are so powerful that using them can cause major disruptions to the surrounding environment. That's why they need to be locked away in a secure facility to prevent them from being used and causing a major calamity, just like the other twel... uh-oh."

"What's the problem?"

"These Jewel Seeds are part of a set of twenty-one. Twelve of them were secured and locked away seven years ago. The other nine were in Precia's possession when she evaded TSAB custody during the same incident. There are only eight Jewel Seeds here. One of them is missing."

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The battle Hotaru had just seen was frightening. It was one thing when a magical war was fought in the shadows, only known to the public as rumors published in tabloids. It was another to know that it was real, and see the damage it caused with her own eyes. People were getting hurt and killed, and there wasn't anything she could do about it. Or was there?

If Shamal was right, Hotaru had more magical power than anyone else alive. On top of that, the healing spell she had invented could do things that no other mage had even considered possible. But that power had a terrible cost that could very well kill her if she used it before the cause of her spreading nerve paralysis was dealt with.

But with monsters and killer mages stalking the city, could Hotaru really afford to focus purely on herself? There weren't many people capable of fighting against the youma, and one of them was unable to use her powers due to injuries that only Hotaru's powers had been able to treat. A woman who was currently forced to watch as her friends went into battle without being able to help them. A woman whose sister was in mortal danger.

Hotaru puzzled over the choice between healing another and maintaining her own health and came to a decision. She had never once seen someone get hurt and not tried to heal them. Not even when she knew the person in question hated her and would only hate her more afterwards. She was not going to stop that now. Not when this time there was so much more at stake than just some classmate needing to have a bandage for a few days.

Leaving Alicia in the care of her sister, Hotaru headed for her friend's home. Most of the people that lived there were currently either at Mugen Gakuen or doing some work associated with the battle that had just been fought that, so her arrival passed completely unnoticed. It wasn't long before she found Nanoha, who was fretting over the fact that she hadn't been able to rush to her friend's side to help her as she was savagely whipped by her own mother. Walking behind the frantically pacing girl, Hotaru placed a hand on Nanoha's spine and called up her healing spell.

Warmth flowed through her hands as Hotaru mended the months old damage to Nanoha's back, and with it the harm inflicted on the source of her magic. As the healing process commenced, she felt the numbness in her feet start to spread upwards through her legs. Struggling to maintain her balance, Hotaru forced herself to maintain the spell.

For a few moments, Nanoha didn't realize what was happening. She just basked in the sensation of a damaged part of her body getting noticeably better. Then she realized why that was happening.

"Hotaru? You were told not to use your magic. You know what this could do to you!" Nanoha protested.

"I know, but I just can't stand by and do nothing. This is the only thing I can do to help." Hotaru insisted, pushing as much power into the spell as she could.

At that moment, Hotaru lost control of her knees. Since she had been depending on locked knee joints to keep her upright, this caused her to lose her balance and fall over, knocking both herself and Nanoha to the ground. Refusing to stop no matter how much her body failed her, she kept going, repairing Nanoha's wounds until she could no longer feel her spell accomplishing anything. Gasping for breath, Hotaru assessed how much damage she had done to herself in healing Nanoha.

"I can't... feel... my legs." She panted, before passing out.

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Omake: What is it with this planet?

The report of the first confirmed mage with SSS potential hit the TSAB like a lightning bolt. With virtually all non-magical weapons restricted or outright illegal in TSAB controlled space, high-end mages were the superweapons of the post-Belkan age, and the potential implications of a single mage with that much power was frightening. Countless plans were proposed to figure out how they could bring the new mage into their sphere of influence.

Then, one of the people discussing the matter brought up a related matter. Including the SSS mage, they had discovered seven mages with AAA potential or above that were native to Unadministered Planet #97 in the past decade, all of them from the same region. Even if the planet was a backwater that had no knowledge of thaumaturgy, it still seemed to produce people with considerable magical potential. Taken in combination with a chance remark filed in a previous report, the TSAB devised a plan to take advantage of the immense magical potential of a world that was incapable of recognizing or utilizing the natural talents of its citizens itself.

When the shipping crate full of TSAB recruitment brochures arrived at the Midori-ya a week later, Kyouya reflected that it was a good thing that Miyuki wasn't there to see it.

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A/N: The only individual with destroy a planet potential in MGLN canon is SS-ranked Hayate, so it figures that Sailor Saturn has to be in at least the same weight class.

Some of you might be disappointed that Ami didn't get to deal with Precia, but I knew the moment that I brought her into the story that Fate would need to be the one to confront her mother.

Thanks to Nordian for the idea of the Vita/Nanoha scene, as well as writing most of it for me.

My thanks to everyone who helped bring this story above 100,000 hits.
 
#2
I love the new installment, Bissek, and even more the fact that Beryl got smacked around with the ClueX4. And I think the ranking actually works, considering Saturn is the planet-busting powerhouse that she is.

I can't wait for another excellent chapter!
 

ragnarok1337

Well-Known Member
#3
Hm. I'm curious. How powerful is Nanoha with her Senshi powers without the Deus ex Machina that is the...silver moon crystal? (I can't spell the Japanese name)
 

KaiserHaller

Well-Known Member
#5
Finally. Precia deserved this FATE. I hope Alicia lives. Also, Nanoha with senshi powers and the silver moon crystal, i'm scared, very scared.
 

Tsukino_kage

Well-Known Member
#6
Not arguing that Precia deserves to die, but doing it this way will surely fuck up Fate and Alicia even more. Also, Precia's epiphany came a little weak. If you're using the movie as part of your timeline as stated earlier, she had to have had these thoughts sooner than that moment.

I also like how Beryl is being shown here. Most of her characterization is spot on. Nephrite needs to get out of this though. He's has too much potential as a character to just be forgotten in the dungeon. Out of all the generals, he and Jadeite were the only ones who had brains. Kunzite's plans were obvious and Zoicite most of the time didn't even plan. The fact that the senshi fell for Kunzite's plots so often is a testament to their level of intellect, not Kunzite's.
 

ragnarok1337

Well-Known Member
#7
Tsukino_kage said:
Not arguing that Precia deserves to die, but doing it this way will surely fuck up Fate and Alicia even more. Also, Precia's epiphany came a little weak. If you're using the movie as part of your timeline as stated earlier, she had to have had these thoughts sooner than that moment.
The epiphany was very weak, and needed proper build-up. It just came out of nowhere. Not saying that Precia didn't deserve to die, and I think getting impaled by Riot Zamber was fitting, but Precia's realization...yeah, it could use work.
 

nick012000

Well-Known Member
#9
Sort of makes me wonder if Precia's going to get resurrected alongside everyone else if Nanoha pulls the "Everyone gets resurrected!" trick Usagi used so many times.
 

Comartemis

Well-Known Member
#10
I'm curious, Bissek; did you stop treating the Senshi like dirt at some point? I haven't read past chapter... six, I think, because I was rather disgusted with your treatment of them and from what I've read elsewhere it got worse after I stopped.
 

ragnarok1337

Well-Known Member
#11
Comartemis said:
I'm curious, Bissek; did you stop treating the Senshi like dirt at some point? I haven't read past chapter... six, I think, because I was rather disgusted with your treatment of them and from what I've read elsewhere it got worse after I stopped.
They stopped being jerks a while back. But if you stopped at chapter 6 I can see why you got that impression. Things started improving for the Senshi shortly after. Their "punishment" is pretty much just lip service and the "community service" they have to do is killing Youma and trying to defeat Beryl and the Dark Kingdom. So, pretty much what they were doing before, but now they have an excellent trainer (Nanoha herself) and the backing of an organization that wants to keep Mettalia and other threats from becoming, well, threats.
 

Comartemis

Well-Known Member
#12
ragnarok1337 said:
Comartemis said:
I'm curious, Bissek; did you stop treating the Senshi like dirt at some point? I haven't read past chapter... six, I think, because I was rather disgusted with your treatment of them and from what I've read elsewhere it got worse after I stopped.
They stopped being jerks a while back. But if you stopped at chapter 6 I can see why you got that impression. Things started improving for the Senshi shortly after. Their "punishment" is pretty much just lip service and the "community service" they have to do is killing Youma and trying to defeat Beryl and the Dark Kingdom. So, pretty much what they were doing before, but now they have an excellent trainer (Nanoha herself) and the backing of an organization that wants to keep Mettalia and other threats from becoming, well, threats.
Who was being jerks? The Senshi, or the Bureau?

Firstly, let's clarify who we're talking about here: the Senshi were being obtuse for stupid reasons and Luna had a lobotomization of her entire character to make sure she'd aggro the TSAB, but the Bureau and the associated characters have no authority to arrest them in the first place regardless of what they'd done to Fate, so Hayate and company are also being corrupt douchebags for arresting the Senshi when they're outside the bureau's jurisdiction.

Power levels are another huge problem. The Senshi got consistently shafted during the period of the story that I was reading. What did you say they were, bissek? Equivalent to A-rank mages in their current form, topping out around AAA-rank or something like that? Bullshit. It took four of them to take down a single Precia drone after Ami found a weak spot for them to target, a B-ranker -- say Subaru for instance -- could have torn it in half and kept going without any analysis whatsoever. Bissek gives them lip service in the authors notes about how awesome they are for fighting a guerrilla war on their own and then refuses to treat them like the competent and blooded warriors that he insists they are.

Secondly, the mage ranks are levels for normal mages, not for the avatars of the fucking planets. If normal mages in the same setting as the Senshi are capable of hitting SS or SSS rank then the mages who have planetary bodies to call upon for power should be SS from the word "Go" and exponentially stronger in subsequent forms until you hit manga power levels where Galaxia is killing planets with gestures and Moon is resurrecting the entire Milky Way galaxy.

But no, the only times the manga is ever referenced is when it's used to make the Senshi look even worse. Serenity was killed by Metallia in the anime, she only committed suicide in the manga. So of course, the thing to do is cherry-pick whatever details you like to make the Princess look like a horrible person. Oh, and have kill off Chibi-Usa because nobody likes the Spore, right? Right?

Even the villains are mistreated. Jadeite, AKA Mister "I got my ass run over by a 747 and lived to tell about it" getting one-shot-killed by a Divine Buster? From Nanoha, AKA Miss "Master of Non-Lethal Magic?" Yeah no, and what's worse is I don't recall Nanoha even batting an eye at the guy she just vaporized. Out of character, much? :headbanger:

Am I forgetting anything? :rant:
 

Seiya

Well-Known Member
#13
I love you Comartemis. I wish to have your babies.
 

Xon

Well-Known Member
#14
The handling of Precia just strikes of the author having no idea what todo with the character either. Not to mention how the Nanoha characters handled the situtation was a pile of fail.
 

bissek

Well-Known Member
#15
Remember Coma, they attacked a close friend of the person that they saw as their ruler in front of her. Even if the TSAB has no authority to punish them, Nanoha does. Are you going to comment on this chapter or complain about things you don't like about chapters published a year ago?

As the the only Senshi arguably acting like a jerk this chapter is Ami, I'm going to point out that she has her reasons. Her mother's in a coma, with nobody knowing if or when she'll wake up. Since she hasn't been the same city as her father in years, much less actually spoken to him, she's functionally an orphan. She has no idea what will happen to her once the system realizes this fact. She's under a lot of stress due to this. Given all that, can you understand why she'd snap at the person who can be considered to be indirectly responsible for causing her problems?

I need Alicia to be fully aware of what Precia is up to and why for the lead-up into the fight scene. If you have a better idea as to how, please tell me.

In regards to Precia, this is what I ultimately intended to do with her. I needed her to bring Alicia, and through her Hotaru, into the story. As for the fight, it should be noted that despite all the crap that Precia put her through, Fate never once raised her hand to her mother in canon. She needed a painful demonstration of exactly how crazy Precia had become before she could overcome that. If anyone has more constructive (or at least, informative) criticism than "Epic Fail", please let me know.
 

Comartemis

Well-Known Member
#16
bissek said:
Remember Coma, they attacked a close friend of the person that they saw as their ruler in front of her. Even if the TSAB has no authority to punish them, Nanoha does. Are you going to comment on this chapter or complain about things you don't like about chapters published a year ago?
Last I checked, Nanoha did not acknowledge her own authority over the Senshi because she refuses to be Serenity.

I'm going to complain about the things that I've read in the hopes that you'll realize what a sub-par job you're doing and go back and rewrite things until they don't suck any more. I'm not concerned about this chapter, I haven't even looked at it, I only poked my head in because I was curious as to whether this story had stopped sucking at some point. Given the way you dismiss my criticisms as being invalid, I'm going to assume that it hasn't since you're clearly not receptive to people pointing out your mistakes. You weren't back on Fukufics either when I told you that your fight scenes needed more detail.
 

bissek

Well-Known Member
#17
No, I wasn't dismissing your comments as invalid, I was pointing out that you have ignored the fact that your comment was responded to this time last year. And in case you haven't noticed, this is the C&C thread for chapter twelve. If you want to complain about chapter six, do it in the thread for chapter six.
 

Comartemis

Well-Known Member
#18
bissek said:
No, I wasn't dismissing your comments as invalid, I was pointing out that you have ignored the fact that your comment was responded to this time last year. And in case you haven't noticed, this is the C&C thread for chapter twelve. If you want to complain about chapter six, do it in the thread for chapter six.
Where do I go to complain about the entire story? :sweat2:
 

bissek

Well-Known Member
#19
That gets filed under DLDR - Don't Like, Don't Read.

Now, do you have any constructive criticism? I've been trying to improve the quality of the fight scenes, but it hasn't been easy for me. I'm sorry if they don't meet your standards.
 

Comartemis

Well-Known Member
#20
bissek said:
That gets filed under DLDR - Don't Like, Don't Read.

Now, do you have any constructive criticism? I've been trying to improve the quality of the fight scenes, but it hasn't been easy for me. I'm sorry if they don't meet your standards.
I gave you five paragraphs of constructive criticism, the TL;DR version of which is "stop treating the Senshi (and related villains) like dirt". It's not my problem if the only way to fix that is to rewrite the entire story from the ground up.
 

bissek

Well-Known Member
#21
The Senshi are scheduled to show off the results of their training in the next couple chapters. The story is probably going to wrap up within the next five chapters, maybe less.
 

Comartemis

Well-Known Member
#22
bissek said:
The Senshi are scheduled to show off the results of their training in the next couple chapters. The story is probably going to wrap up within the next five chapters, maybe less.
Great, now go back to the start and have them show off what they learned fighting the DK for a year by themselves. Remember, the Senshi need to be badass to qualify as A-rankers, in present form they're more like C-rank mooks with a day of academy training. And don't forget to de-bitch Luna, delete the Chibi-Usa omake and deal with her in a mature and non-character-bashy fashion, and do everything else that I pointed out. I'll give you a pass on the manga power levels so long as you change that one line to show their potential as being off the scale.
 

ragnarok1337

Well-Known Member
#23
Comartemis said:
bissek said:
The Senshi are scheduled to show off the results of their training in the next couple chapters. The story is probably going to wrap up within the next five chapters, maybe less.
Great, now go back to the start and have them show off what they learned fighting the DK for a year by themselves. Remember, the Senshi need to be badass to qualify as A-rankers, in present form they're more like C-rank mooks with a day of academy training. And don't forget to de-bitch Luna, delete the Chibi-Usa omake and deal with her in a mature and non-character-bashy fashion, and do everything else that I pointed out. I'll give you a pass on the manga power levels so long as you change that one line to show their potential as being off the scale.
In defense of the Chibi-Usa omake, the pink-haired girl was deliberately trying do destroy the Nanoha timeline. If it had been the other way around and Vivio had been the one who disappeared, you'd probably argue against that as well. Vivio had no idea that Chibi would get deleted; she was just trying to protect the timeline that her mamas came from.

Also, do you have any idea how much of a Bad End in the MGLN timeline would result from Nanoha never meeting Fate? First of all, Fate would probably get all the Jewel Seeds, and a massive amount of dimensional space would be destroyed from Precia activating them all. Second, the Book of Darkness would eat Hayate and the Wolkenritter, and if Gil's plan didn't go off EXACTLY, the Earth would be destroyed. Vivio? Yeah, she's recaptured by Jail, and used to power the Cradle, which destroys much of TSAB space. Subaru is DEAD. So are Erio and Caro.

Oh yeah, all those things affect SM!Earth as well, so Bad End for Earth as well.
 

Comartemis

Well-Known Member
#24
ragnarok1337 said:
In defense of the Chibi-Usa omake, the pink-haired girl was deliberately trying do destroy the Nanoha timeline. If it had been the other way around and Vivio had been the one who disappeared, you'd probably argue against that as well. Vivio had no idea that Chibi would get deleted; she was just trying to protect the timeline that her mamas came from.

Also, do you have any idea how much of a Bad End in the MGLN timeline would result from Nanoha never meeting Fate? First of all, Fate would probably get all the Jewel Seeds, and a massive amount of dimensional space would be destroyed from Precia activating them all. Second, the Book of Darkness would eat Hayate and the Wolkenritter, and if Gil's plan didn't go off EXACTLY, the Earth would be destroyed. Vivio? Yeah, she's recaptured by Jail, and used to power the Cradle, which destroys much of TSAB space. Subaru is DEAD. So are Erio and Caro.
I don't care overmuch about what kind of bad end results from Chibi-Usa preventing Nanoha from meeting Fate because I want that whole sequence deleted altogether. A more competent author would have used her in-story as a means of balancing the scale between Fate and Mamoru and given Tux Boy a legit chance of winning Nanoha away from Fate; imagine Nanoha faced with the dilemma of knowing a little girl who will cease to exist if she doesn't choose Mamoru.

Why yes, it is emotional blackmail, but it's the setting itself which is doing it rather than Evil!Pluto or Retard!Luna, so you can play it up for huge drama points without needing to character-bash anyone. Even Mamoru wouldn't be happy being chosen because the only other option was letting a little girl die.
 

gral

Well-Known Member
#25
Comartemis said:
I don't care overmuch about what kind of bad end results from Chibi-Usa preventing Nanoha from meeting Fate because I want that whole sequence deleted altogether.
You... want?

Whether a scene is deleted or not is the author's prerogative, not yours.

Whichever criticisms you have for the story(and I DO agree with all of them), the overall tone of your complaints only ensure your opinions won't get heeded. Unless that was your intention?
 
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