Things Starfleet Officers are No Longer Allowed


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75.) Would some one, politely, explain to the enraged mandalore in orbit that James T Kirk is dead and that the rest of us aren't responsible for him sleeping with his daughter...
b.) He is in a planet killer stolen from the...Empire...


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76) Tribble Skeetshoot is NOT a approved manner to spend you free time on
76a) Even if Klingon High command is offering you a starship for the copyrights...


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Rift120 said:
76) Tribble Skeetshoot is NOT a approved manner to spend you free time on
76a) Even if Klingon High command is offering you a starship for the copyrights...
76b.) Especially if the above is true.


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77.) The "Shoot first, shoot second, and when everyone is dead, then start asking questions" method is never advised.
77a.) Even if Kirk did it first.

78.) Gluing pieces of Borg to your skin and claiming you have been assimilated will not get you out of your assigned bridge duty.
78a.) The next person to do this will spend the next 48 hours confined to the Medical Bay and be subjected to various tests.
78b.) And yes, we know that several of the tests are extremely painful.

79.) Asking 7 of 9 if she would like any help practicing her 'bedroom skills' is not only stupid, but tends to piss off Commander Chakotay.
79a.) No, 7 of 9 can not use her nanobots to increase her breast size and you are not allowed to ask her this again.
79b.) No one is allowed to approach 7 of 9, unless it is work-related, under penalty to of a month in the brige.

80.) No, you may not use the holodecks to create female Starfleet officers and try to recreate the old Earth program "Girls Gone Wild".
80a.) Nor may you use the holodeck to pimp out the female officers to other officers.
80b.) We don't care if you share the profits from said ventures with us.
80c.) If we find you doing it again, we will ban you from ever using the holodecks again.

Lord Raa

Exporter of Juice Tins
80d) Punishment for misuse of holodecks includes, but is not limited to cleaning them up after said misuse.

And let us be honest, scrubbing the holodecks could be a job on par with jizz mopping the nudey booths.


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81.) "You cannot create your own ship on the holodeck and grant yourself a promotion. We don't care if they were holograms of admirals. It doesn't count."

82.) Stop making your log entries into fanfic with you as the main hero. We know what really happened.

83.) Cloning is illegal. What more, you cannot send them to do your duty shifts.

84.) Genetic engineering is illegal. We don't care how primed the market for animal-girls is.

85.) You are not allowed to beam down to unadvanced worlds and claim to be God. Next time, we will let them test you with fire and not save your ass.

86.) There is no grave called the "Grave of the Unknown Redshirt'. Quit telling stories about it.

87.) You cannot keep informing the Divisions that 'all the Borg Queen needs is a good lay'. That didn't work for the Naucicans, it won't work for them.

88.) Saying the phrase "Oh shit!" and darting away from Engineering is not funny. It took us three days to retrieve the ejected warp core and reinstall it.

89.) You are not allowed to program the replicators or the washing machines to dissolve all clothes when any certain pulse is emitted. I don't care how 'bitchen' it was. And we have confiscated the images.


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90. The poster rating the starships docked at Starbase 13 by how sharply the helmsmen 'parked' them there has been removed.
a. Do you have any idea how competitive those guys are?
b. Tempting as it is, the proposal to market copies of the poster to defray the cost of the resultant repairs to Starbase 13 is DENIED.


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91. We don't care how many petitions you circulate, or how many people sign them, we are not moving Starfleet Academy to Risa.

92. There is no competition to make a drug that will initiate pon farr for Vulcans from either Earth, Vulcan, or anyone else. We shouldn't need to inform you of this every semester. The Vulcan females are becoming very annoyed at being sprayed all the time.


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93.) Just because certain starships can seperate, does not mean that they are like that old Earth television movies, "Transformers".
93a.) Telling the cadets that they are inside the stomach of a giant transforming robot and they will soon be eaten by the stomach acid is not funny.

94.) Please do not sneak into Data's room and download old Earth comedians into his positronic brain.
94a.) Even if it was funny to see him say to Picard, "Three million sperm and that's the one that made it through."
94b.) Do not download old Earth heavy metal into Data's brain either.
94c.) It is not amusing to see him singing, "Master of Puppets" in a loud voice as he walks down the corridors.
94d.) Nor is it funny to have him break out in song during a combat situation.
94e.) No one is allowed near Data at any time, save for regular duties.

95.) Stop traveling back in time people. The Department of Temporal Mechanics is getting tired of cleaning up your messes.

96.) Do not answer your captain's order with a Nazi salute and, "Jawohl, Mein Fuerher."
97) Captain Mackenzie Calhoun is to never teach Ethics at the Academy.

98) If your commanding officer believes following the Prime Directive means you can't save a race, you are not to shoot them with a phaser and stick them in the brig.

99)You are a not an agent of Section 31 and can't take a road trip to Argelius II for an important mission.

100)Putting on an orange shirt does not make you a ninja. Stop telling the cadets that.
101: There is no such thing as the annual "KHAAAAAN" shouting contest.

102: Do not give out funny hats to a world you've just made first contact with and then tell them to claim they're an entirely different species when the next starship comes along.

103: To all Temporal Investigations Officers: No more abusing time travel to erase one night stands with various famous members of Starfleet.
103a: This goes especially for all female officers regarding James T. Kirk. Good Lord women, you're just encouraging him to break the Temporal Prime Directive even more!

104: Contrary to popular belief, the Prime Directive does not mean you don't do anything to save a doomed pre-warp civilization. Just make sure you don't get caught by them. Or, if you really need to, just find a way to make it look like you didn't violate the Prime Directive first. ~James T. Kirk

105: Doctors: You are Doctors, not the masters of witty one-liners.

106: Do not plug a cappuccino machine right into the warp core.


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107.) There is no reason for you to attempt to requisition a Genesis Torpedo

108.) When engaged in diplomatic talks, conversations on the time it would take to ship the exact quantity of Anti-matter into their system to kill each of their worlds are not to be started.
109: Whoever gave Q a copy of 'The Rocky Horror Picture Show' is to be found and executed immediately.

110: We don't care if it worked, Starfleet personnel are hereby forbidden to incapacitate Borg drones by dancing Thriller.


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110a. Even if it works, morale is still suffering from the spectacle.


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111. Never announce on a live transmission interstellar debate that the Dominion War was started by Star Fleet Command as an excuse to scrap the Miranda-class at long last. Captain Clarkson, this means you.

112. The revised warp scale used since the early twenty-fourth century is the standard that must be adhered to, no matter how enthusing it is for you to declare that you have managed a run at Warp Twelve, Captain Hammond.

113. Gifting your commanding officer with an esoteric shuttlecraft is an unnecessary but very thoughtful gesture. Having a friendly Klingon battlecruiser ram it five minutes later is cruel and not amusing at all. Captain May has not yet stopped swearing in Klingon and had to be physically restrained from leading an attack on Qo'nos.


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114. You are not Isaac Hayes. You are not allowed to replace the main computer's voice routines with his back up singers.

115. On the bridge of a star ship it has never been, never is or ever will be Peanut Butter Jelly Time.
116: The approved list of ship names does not include Asskicker, Love Machine, Steven Seagal, Masterblaster, Lord of Creation, Nostalgia Critic, Spoony, Angry Video Game Nerd, or More Powerful Than Superman, Batman, Spider-Man and the Incredible Hulk Put Together.

Gulping Again

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116b. Any references to heavy metal, early 21st Century popular culture, and bacon are likewise forbidden.

116c. No referencing historical atrocities either.

116d. In fact, the next person to suggest a new ship name is getting stunned and thrown in the brig. This is a law now.


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117. While spectulation of his other traits and achievements are still under investigation, we do know that the Emergency Helmsman Hologram is not to be called The Stig.


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119. If we catch you using transporters to rejuvenate senior officers to prepubesence, then we will have a lot of questions about the astonishingly well prepared cadets at Star Fleet Academy.
119.a. Weaponising the effect is not permitted, we don't need any more Starbases being overrun by hordes of pint-sized Klingons, Cardassians or Romulans.
119.b. Yes, we can tell when you're using it on the Ferengi. Quit it.

120. Selling Tribbles to Klingon children is prohibited.
120.a. Since you asked, because of the Animal Crueltly Laws in the Federation. You didn't think the tribbles were being kept as pets, did you?


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121) It's now strictly forbidden to send that old japanese comics titled "Bleach" to the Klingons. We don't want them to imitate the character know as Kenpachi Zaraki or to made him their new God of War.
121a) Nor you're autorized to suggest to Q to create a gate between Quo'nos and the Soul Society: even if it's exist, we don't need overpowered DEAD Klingon on ANYONE battlefiled.


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122. You are not allowed to tell Starfleet cadets that defeating a Klingon Woman in single combat means she has to marry you.

123. You are not allowed to use starlfeet equipment to build a Battlemech.

124. You are not allowed to unleash the Replicators on the Borg, or the Priors on the Q.

125. Officially, you are not allowed to work on Leviathan/Starfleet hybrid.

126. You are not allowed to reprogram Data, the EMH, or any other AI to be more like HK-47.

127. Your Commanding officer is NOT a Cylon, stop trying to incite a mutiny on those grounds.

128. All attempts at altering the past to advance your career will be grounds for immediate termination.

129. You are not a Time Lord, stop telling people this.

130. World of Warcraft is herby BANNED from all holodeck simulations.

131. You will treat other Alien races with respect and courtesy and not as æEmperor damned filth.Æ

132. You are not allowed to fall to your knees and clutch your skull in front of any telepath while screaming ôGet out of my HEAD!Æ. It wasnÆt funny the first four times.

133. You are not allowed to call Captain Picard, æThe ProfessorÆ, æThe ProfÆ, æCharlesÆ or æChuckö
133a). Neither is Guinan to be referred to as æWhoopiÆ.

134. There is no æWesley CrusherÆ award for the most hated/useless crew member.


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122a) Officer Saotome, it doesn't matter if you're time looping ancestor has a nearly identical issue, the Klingon women are not Chinese Amazons.

134a) And even if there was one, you're not autorized to partecipate.