Things Starfleet Officers are No Longer Allowed

Innortal

Well-Known Member
#1
Done with the help of Myukus!




1. Calling in fake temporal anomalies is not appreciated by Starfleet.
2. Attempting to create a temporal anomaly to bolster your claim is likewise frowned upon.
3. Claiming the order was issued to your counterpart from a parallel universe is not a reason to ignore it.
4. Spraying a fire extinguisher in Engineering while screaming, "BREACH!" is grounds for court martial.
5. Telling Lt. Com. Data that Wednesday is Nude Work Day is not funny, nor is erasing the experience from his memory to do it again. This will be investigated.
6. There is no Kirk Award for sleeping with the most alien women. Stop telling the cadets there is.
7. Stop stealing other people's uniforms. Wearing red is NOT a death sentence.
8. Holodecks are not to be used to create holograms of your superiors to beat and/or sleep with.
9. Nor to create holograms of subordinates. Why do we have to specifically state this?
10. Starfleet will not create nor has it ever created its own Death Star. Quit telling the Romulans this.
11. Tetris + Tactical station. BAD IDEA.
12. Starfleet Command is not under the Jedi Council, nor is Admiral Simmons actually a Sith Lord. Jedi are not real, we don't care how often you claim a Q made it so.
13. You are not 'too studly' to be assimilated. We don't care what you use to get lucky, but stop using that. We are tired of people showing up at Starfleet Medical asking to have the same procedure done to them.
14. While we're discussing the Borg, we should mention that it is unwise to moon a drone.
15. Or Klingon warriors. Or Romulans via the view screen. How the hell did you not get blown up for that?
16. Shuttlecraft are not to be modified without express consent from the commanding officer in charge of the unit. We don't care how much 'cooler they'd be' when you are done 'pimpin' them.
17. Drift-racing a starship is incredibly foolish. We don't care if Sulu did it first.
18. Negotiations are not to include a 'kegger'. We don't care if this did settle that massive Klingon dispute.
19. When preparing for First Contact, make sure you actually read the cultural dossier you are provided. Then you might have known that they considered 'chest-bumps' a declaration of war.
20. The Main Sensor Array or any Sensor Array cannot be commandeered because you believe you can use them to find buried treasure. And no, a lost can of alcohol is not lost treasure
21. Screaming after using the transporter and claiming to be dying is not funny. Next time, we really will beam your groin into deep space.
22. While Klingons DO like to fight, a bar-fight is NOT considered a diplomatic function.
23. The Vulcan High Command has asked us to inform you there is no waiting list to 'bang a babe going Pon Farr'. Quit asking.
24. Stop using the warp field to accelerate 'pennies' to light speed. The archaeological division doesn't like losing artifacts, and the captain of that freighter is seeking damages.
25. Starfleet Command does not have Dragonballs. We will not discuss this any further.
26. Dragonballs do not exist, period. Why don't you understand this?
27. Using the environmental controls to make the women's exercise group sweat more is unethical to say the least.
28. We've erased the file where you got them to exercise nude. If we catch you trying to distribute it again, we WILL tell the women.
29. Just because the motto is to "Boldly go where no man has gone before" is not proof that virgin females cannot graduate Starfleet Academy. Stop telling the cadets this, some believed you.
30. Tricorders do NOT cause cancer. You will be punished if you keep lying to the cadets.
31. You are not authorized to perform immediate surgery with a hand phaser. Nor can you force a cadet to submit to it. You're just lucky that grew back.
32. You are not allowed to keep an Orion Animal Woman in your quarters. Slavery is a crime in the Federation.
33. We don't care what those natives said: you cannot claim you are married to the fifth floor of the women's dorm just because you painted a symbol on their doors.
34. Replacing all the anti-virals in Sick Bay with narcotics, then claiming an outbreak of Rigelian Flu will result in disaster every time. Stop trying to get it 'right'.
35. We do not give narcotics to new planets that join the Federation. You are just lucky that cocaine had no effect on the Holijians.
36. Beaming tribbles into the captain's quarters is not a proper apology for walking naked into his ready-room.
37. Saying the transporter forgot to materialize your clothes is not an excuse. One more time and we will transport you into the Brig after every mission.
38. You are not in charge of the ship when your superiors aren't around. Policy requires you to wake the captain when answering a distress call.
39. Not every emergency can be solved by 'nuking it'. We don't care what the Sci-Fi channel claims.
40. Stunning your superior with a phaser is not a suitable means to get him out of harm's way in a fire fight.
41. You cannot put a plate on the back of every ship that says "W.W.J.T.K.D.". We don't care what you think Kirk would do.
42. We do care if you believe this means sleeping with any available female. You cannot demand the enemy ship hand over their 'hotties'.
43. Using photon torpedoes to knock asteroids into black holes is not a game called "Space Pool". It is a dangerous situation involving anti-matter and quantum singularities. Being fun doesn't make it a good idea.
44. Using phasers to knock comets into wormholes is even worse. We barely understand wormholes. You understand them even less.
45. We don't care if the Bajoran Prophets revealed it to you. You cannot take a Sovereign Class vessel on a road trip.
46. Using a shuttlecraft to ferry passengers from planet to planet in exchange for currency is a violation of policy. No, we won't ignore it in exchange for a cut of the profits. You didn't earn THAT much.
47. You are not a private mercenary. And even if you were, that was Starfleet equipment you used! No, we don't want a cut!
48. Selling your captain to the Romulans: We don't know where to begin. Trying to bribe us with a cut: Stop it. What makes you think we can be bought?
49. Replicators may not be used to distribute mass mailings to the crew. Especially mailings entitled, "The Captain's a Prick".
50. Mutinies only work if you have the support of your fellow crew members. Trying to commandeer the bridge with the help of school children armed with crayons just makes you look dumb.
 

drakensis

Well-Known Member
#2
50. Mutinies only work if you have the support of your fellow crew members. Trying to commandeer the bridge with the help of school children armed with crayons just makes you look dumb.
Oh if I could only find the fanfic where an 8 year old Kirk leads an opfor of school children (it was a publicity stunt) to victory over an entire Academy Class...


found it
 
#3
51. Despite being our greatest and most effective recruitment poster boy, James Tiberius Kirk is not the model to follow towards the Prime Directive, Temporal or otherwise.
 

Mercsenary

Well-Known Member
#4
52. You may not yell "DAMN THE TORPEDOES! RAMMING SPEED!" during a tactical engagement. Actually you may never yell this.
 
#5
53: No, we did not send Captain Janeway off on her mission into the Badlands along with the rest of the "dumbasses" and "idiots" of Starfleet in the hopes that they would be lost forever.
 

Lord Raa

Exporter of Juice Tins
#6
54: Stop randomly reversing polarities. Yes, changing the polarity of the tachyon pulse can save the day, but the polarity of the flush on toilet is not the same thing.
 

SotF

Well-Known Member
#7
55.) There is not to be a James Tiberius Kirk Institute For The Study Of STD's...
 

Lord Raa

Exporter of Juice Tins
#8
56: Tribbles are not to be used as hair-pieces.
 

SotF

Well-Known Member
#9
57.) 4Chan is not a great work of Earth's history and a complete copy of its history is not to be presented to dignitaries, and especially not Q
 
#10
58) Contrary to popular belief, the Klingons and Andorians are not the "war/party buddies" of Humanity and the Vulcans are not the "war/party poopers". Starfleet is resolutely pacifistic in it's outlook and mission and only employs force when needed. As such, we are not gearing up for the next big war/party between the United Earth Government, the Klingon Empire and the Andorian Empire. The Andorians are founding members of the Federation with us and the Klingons our closest allies, why would we want war with them?
-Starfleet High Command.

58 a) That's not what we agreed upon at the last meeting. We said September of next year. You can't keep pushing it back because of those stick-in-the-mud Vulcans.
-Andorian High Command.

58 b ) Indeed, we are even rushing the completion of our next Battleship models to be ready. Did the Vulcans interfere again?!
-Klingon High Command.
 

jaredstar

Well-Known Member
#11
59. For the love of God don't ask Seven of Nine if you can insert your shaft P into to her slot B or slot V
 

drakensis

Well-Known Member
#12
60. Sending model starships across the Neutral Zone to provoke a fight is not allowed.

61. The opening ceremonies for the Federation Council do not include Queen Serenity 'purging the evil' from all members.
61.a. Not is it a huge orgy involving the Sailor Senshi.
61.b. Seriously, it's televised every year and if you keep this up she's never going to attend.

62. The Prime Directive does not take the form of giant flaming letters spelling out 'thou shalt not butt in' above Starfleet HQ
 

Prince Charon

Well-Known Member
#13
drakensis said:
62. The Prime Directive does not take the form of giant flaming letters spelling out 'thou shalt not butt in' above Starfleet HQ
62a. When we find out who set up those holographic projectors, the perpetrators will be punished.
 

WannabeKurt

Well-Known Member
#14
63.) Who ever let those Space Marines in, would you kindly let them back out?
 

Innortal

Well-Known Member
#15
64. The transporters are not to be used to make duplicates of yourself. Nor do any duplicates entitle you to extra pay, nor does it mean you are their CO.
 

Shaderic

Well-Known Member
#16
65) Using the Transporter to remove all the female crew's lingerie from the entire ship, (including the ones being worn) is against Starfleet policy.
 

Innortal

Well-Known Member
#17
66. Starfleet will not condone strip clubs on their Starbases, we don't care how you interpret the older charters of those worlds or the Federation.
 
#18
WannabeKurt said:
63.) Who ever let those Space Marines in, would you kindly let them back out?
63 a) I really apologize. They seem to enjoy scattering themselves all over the dimensions to annoy me. I'll take them back at once.
-The God-Emperor of Man.

67. Starfleet HighCom doesn't care how you managed to rob a Ferengi blind in a completely legal fashion, Human Officers cannot own their own Ferengi Clan and fleet. Especially not Ensigns!
 

Typhonis

Well-Known Member
#19
68 : We will not discuss why Janeway was promoted to Admiral. However it does not have anything to do with her offering sexual favors to her superiors. Believe me there are some places no person has gone before that shall remain unexplored.

69 : We will not ask why in Kirks time Klingons had smooth foreheads and why now they are ridged again. Siome things are better left unexplained.

70: The next Stafrfleet uniform will not come out of a large plastic egg. No the more alluring female crew members will bot be given cans of spray on uniforms.
 

SotF

Well-Known Member
#20
71.) Confirmed Xenomorph infestations are not to involve any physical contact. All possible infestee's are to be quarantined until proven not to be infested, if unable to confirm the lack of infestation termination is expected.
b.) Red-Shirts are not to be used in this situation, these things reproduce rapidly enough as it is without adding more bodies to feed them.

72.) Directing a Yaut'ja ship to the Klingon homeworld is not an accepted diplomatic solution to any problem.
 

Prince Charon

Well-Known Member
#21
SotF said:
71.) Confirmed Xenomorph infestations are not to involve any physical contact. All possible infestee's are to be quarantined until proven not to be infested, if unable to confirm the lack of infestation termination is expected.
b.) Red-Shirts are not to be used in this situation, these things reproduce rapidly enough as it is without adding more bodies to feed them.

72.) Directing a Yaut'ja ship to the Klingon homeworld is not an accepted diplomatic solution to any problem.
72a. Even though it pleased both the Klingons and the Yaut'ja.
 

WannabeKurt

Well-Known Member
#22
Delta Green Friendly said:
WannabeKurt said:
63.) Who ever let those Space Marines in, would you kindly let them back out?
63 a) I really apologize. They seem to enjoy scattering themselves all over the dimensions to annoy me. I'll take them back at once.
-The God-Emperor of Man.
63b.) But sir, they ally themselves with filthy xenos! We were only accomplishing our sacred task you set before us! -Chaplain Grimauldas of the Black Templars

63c.)Their xenos are not our xenos.I said leave them be!-GEoM
 

grant

Well-Known Member
#23
73. Despite the strangely widespread patten of crew members being possessed/rewritten/assimilated/psychically controlled by strange alien beings, do NOT assume that you may do whatever you like and claim you were forced to do so. Any such claims will be investigated thoroughly and anyone caught fabricating lies will be punished.

74. Setting appearances and records aside, our policy on combat situations is not to send out a large fleet to be destroyed by the unstoppable enemy before a single ship appears and defeats the enemy. Telling cadets that if they are not on board a ship named The Enterprise they will die in their first engagement will not be tolerated.


Sorry, I messed up in the ordering.
 

the DragonBard

Well-Known Member
#24
69b: We especially will not discuss the reasons revealed during the voyages of the original starship Enterprise, as they tend to make the Klingons rather irritated.
 

grant

Well-Known Member
#25
As many people seem to be adding addendum's to each rule I decided to put up a combined list now instead of waiting for number 100, can't promise I'll keep it up.


1. Calling in fake temporal anomalies is not appreciated by Starfleet.

2. Attempting to create a temporal anomaly to bolster your claim is likewise frowned upon.

3. Claiming the order was issued to your counterpart from a parallel universe is not a reason to ignore it.

4. Spraying a fire extinguisher in Engineering while screaming, "BREACH!" is grounds for court martial.

5. Telling Lt. Com. Data that Wednesday is Nude Work Day is not funny, nor is erasing the experience from his memory to do it again. This will be investigated.

6. There is no Kirk Award for sleeping with the most alien women. Stop telling the cadets there is.

7. Stop stealing other people's uniforms. Wearing red is NOT a death sentence.

8. Holodecks are not to be used to create holograms of your superiors to beat and/or sleep with.

9. Nor to create holograms of subordinates. Why do we have to specifically state this?

10. Starfleet will not create nor has it ever created its own Death Star. Quit telling the Romulans this.

11. Tetris + Tactical station. BAD IDEA.

12. Starfleet Command is not under the Jedi Council, nor is Admiral Simmons actually a Sith Lord. Jedi are not real, we don't care how often you claim a Q made it so.

13. You are not 'too studly' to be assimilated. We don't care what you use to get lucky, but stop using that. We are tired of people showing up at Starfleet Medical asking to have the same procedure done to them.

14. While we're discussing the Borg, we should mention that it is unwise to moon a drone.

15. Or Klingon warriors. Or Romulans via the view screen. How the hell did you not get blown up for that?

16. Shuttlecraft are not to be modified without express consent from the commanding officer in charge of the unit. We don't care how much 'cooler they'd be' when you are done 'pimpin' them.

17. Drift-racing a starship is incredibly foolish. We don't care if Sulu did it first.

18. Negotiations are not to include a 'kegger'. We don't care if this did settle that massive Klingon dispute.

19. When preparing for First Contact, make sure you actually read the cultural dossier you are provided. Then you might have known that they considered 'chest-bumps' a declaration of war.

20. The Main Sensor Array or any Sensor Array cannot be commandeered because you believe you can use them to find buried treasure. And no, a lost can of alcohol is not lost treasure.

21. Screaming after using the transporter and claiming to be dying is not funny. Next time, we really will beam your groin into deep space.

22. While Klingons DO like to fight, a bar-fight is NOT considered a diplomatic function.

23. The Vulcan High Command has asked us to inform you there is no waiting list to 'bang a babe going Pon Farr'. Quit asking.

24. Stop using the warp field to accelerate 'pennies' to light speed. The archaeological division doesn't like losing artifacts, and the captain of that freighter is seeking damages.

25. Starfleet Command does not have Dragonballs. We will not discuss this any further.

26. Dragonballs do not exist, period. Why don't you understand this?

27. Using the environmental controls to make the women's exercise group sweat more is unethical to say the least.

28. We've erased the file where you got them to exercise nude. If we catch you trying to distribute it again, we WILL tell the women.

29. Just because the motto is to "Boldly go where no man has gone before" is not proof that virgin females cannot graduate Starfleet Academy. Stop telling the cadets this, some believed you.

30. Tricorders do NOT cause cancer. You will be punished if you keep lying to the cadets.

31. You are not authorized to perform immediate surgery with a hand phaser.
Nor can you force a cadet to submit to it. You're just lucky that grew back.

32. You are not allowed to keep an Orion Animal Woman in your quarters. Slavery is a crime in the Federation.

33. We don't care what those natives said: you cannot claim you are married to the fifth floor of the women's dorm just because you painted a symbol on their doors.

34. Replacing all the anti-virals in Sick Bay with narcotics, then claiming an outbreak of Rigelian Flu will result in disaster every time. Stop trying to get it 'right'.

35. We do not give narcotics to new planets that join the Federation. You are just lucky that cocaine had no effect on the Holijians.

36. Beaming tribbles into the captain's quarters is not a proper apology for walking naked into his ready-room.

37. Saying the transporter forgot to materialize your clothes is not an excuse. One more time and we will transport you into the Brig after every mission.

38. You are not in charge of the ship when your superiors aren't around. Policy requires you to wake the captain when answering a distress call.

39. Not every emergency can be solved by 'nuking it'. We don't care what the Sci-Fi channel claims.

40. Stunning your superior with a phaser is not a suitable means to get him out of harm's way in a fire fight.

41. You cannot put a plate on the back of every ship that says "W.W.J.T.K.D.". We don't care what you think Kirk would do.

42. We do care if you believe this means sleeping with any available female. You cannot demand the enemy ship hand over their 'hotties'.

43. Using photon torpedoes to knock asteroids into black holes is not a game called "Space Pool". It is a dangerous situation involving anti-matter and quantum singularities. Being fun doesn't make it a good idea.

44. Using phasers to knock comets into wormholes is even worse. We barely understand wormholes. You understand them even less.

45. We don't care if the Bajoran Prophets revealed it to you. You cannot take a Sovereign Class vessel on a road trip.

46. Using a shuttlecraft to ferry passengers from planet to planet in exchange for currency is a violation of policy. No, we won't ignore it in exchange for a cut of the profits. You didn't earn THAT much.

47. You are not a private mercenary. And even if you were, that was Starfleet equipment you used! No, we don't want a cut!

48. Selling your captain to the Romulans: We don't know where to begin. Trying to bribe us with a cut: Stop it. What makes you think we can be bought?

49. Replicators may not be used to distribute mass mailings to the crew. Especially mailings entitled, "The Captain's a Prick".

50. Mutinies only work if you have the support of your fellow crew members. Trying to commandeer the bridge with the help of school children armed with crayons just makes you look dumb.

51. Despite being our greatest and most effective recruitment poster boy, James Tiberius Kirk is not the model to follow towards the Prime Directive, Temporal or otherwise.

52. You may not yell "DAMN THE TORPEDOES! RAMMING SPEED!" during a tactical engagement. Actually you may never yell this.

53: No, we did not send Captain Janeway off on her mission into the Badlands along with the rest of the "dumbasses" and "idiots" of Starfleet in the hopes that they would be lost forever.

54: Stop randomly reversing polarities. Yes, changing the polarity of the tachyon pulse can save the day, but the polarity of the flush on toilet is not the same thing.

55.) There is not to be a James Tiberius Kirk Institute For The Study Of STD's...

56: Tribbles are not to be used as hair-pieces.

57.) 4Chan is not a great work of Earth's history and a complete copy of its history is not to be presented to dignitaries, and especially not Q.

58) Contrary to popular belief, the Klingons and Andorians are not the "war/party buddies" of Humanity and the Vulcans are not the "war/party poopers". Starfleet is resolutely pacifistic in it's outlook and mission and only employs force when needed. As such, we are not gearing up for the next big war/party between the United Earth Government, the Klingon Empire and the Andorian Empire. The Andorians are founding members of the Federation with us and the Klingons our closest allies, why would we want war with them?
-Starfleet High Command.

58 a) That's not what we agreed upon at the last meeting. We said September of next year. You can't keep pushing it back because of those stick-in-the-mud Vulcans.
-Andorian High Command.

58 b ) Indeed, we are even rushing the completion of our next Battleship models to be ready. Did the Vulcans interfere again?!
-Klingon High Command.

59. For the love of God don't ask Seven of Nine if you can insert your shaft P into to her slot B or slot V

60. Sending model starships across the Neutral Zone to provoke a fight is not allowed.

61. The opening ceremonies for the Federation Council do not include Queen Serenity 'purging the evil' from all members.

61.a. Not is it a huge orgy involving the Sailor Senshi.

61.b. Seriously, it's televised every year and if you keep this up she's never going to attend.

62. The Prime Directive does not take the form of giant flaming letters spelling out 'thou shalt not butt in' above Starfleet HQ

62a. When we find out who set up those holographic projectors, the perpetrators will be punished.

63.) Who ever let those Space Marines in, would you kindly let them back out?

63 a) I really apologize. They seem to enjoy scattering themselves all over the dimensions to annoy me. I'll take them back at once.
-The God-Emperor of Man.

63b.) But sir, they ally themselves with filthy xenos! We were only accomplishing our sacred task you set before us! -Chaplain Grimauldas of the Black Templars

63c.)Their xenos are not our xenos.I said leave them be!-GEoM

64. The transporters are not to be used to make duplicates of yourself. Nor do any duplicates entitle you to extra pay, nor does it mean you are their CO.

65) Using the Transporter to remove all the female crew's lingerie from the entire ship, (including the ones being worn) is against Starfleet policy.

66. Starfleet will not condone strip clubs on their Starbases, we don't care how you interpret the older charters of those worlds or the Federation.

67. Starfleet HighCom doesn't care how you managed to rob a Ferengi blind in a completely legal fashion, Human Officers cannot own their own Ferengi Clan and fleet. Especially not Ensigns!

68 : We will not discuss why Janeway was promoted to Admiral. However it does not have anything to do with her offering sexual favors to her superiors. Believe me there are some places no person has gone before that shall remain unexplored.

69 : We will not ask why in Kirks time Klingons had smooth foreheads and why now they are ridged again. Siome things are better left unexplained.

69b): We especially will not discuss the reasons revealed during the voyages of the original starship Enterprise, as they tend to make the Klingons rather irritated.

70: The next Stafrfleet uniform will not come out of a large plastic egg. No the more alluring female crew members will not be given cans of spray on uniforms.

71.) Confirmed Xenomorph infestations are not to involve any physical contact. All possible infestee's are to be quarantined until proven not to be infested, if unable to confirm the lack of infestation termination is expected.

71 b.) Red-Shirts are not to be used in this situation, these things reproduce rapidly enough as it is without adding more bodies to feed them.

72.) Directing a Yaut'ja ship to the Klingon homeworld is not an accepted diplomatic solution to any problem.

72a. Even though it pleased both the Klingons and the Yaut'ja.

73. Despite the strangely widespread patten of crew members being possessed/rewritten/assimilated/psychically controlled by strange alien beings, do NOT assume that you may do whatever you like and claim you were forced to do so. Any such claims will be investigated thoroughly and anyone caught fabricating lies will be punished.

74. Setting appearances and records aside, our policy on combat situations is not to send out a large fleet to be destroyed by the unstoppable enemy before a single ship appears and defeats the enemy. Telling cadets that if they are not on board a ship named The Enterprise that they will die in their first engagement will not be tolerated.
 
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