Nasuverse Tohsaka Online

[chronodekar]

SUMMARY:
AU: (Post-UBW True End) Rin Tohsaka finds herself stuck in the virtual game world of Aincrad. SAO world mechanics changed for sake of plot.

Released Chapters:
<a href='http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8629280/1' target='_blank' rel='nofollow'>Chapter 01: The announcement that trapped everyone</a>


Current Preview chapter (on google docs):
<a href='http://goo.gl/0DfCi' target='_blank' rel='nofollow'>Chapter 02: Opening tutorial comes to a conclusion</a>

REQUEST: Please do not share links to the previews without my permission?

Hello folks,

Based on all the feedback I got earlier, I've completely re-written my crossover story. Please reply with your comments.

Most importantly, I need some people to help me find any spelling/grammar mistakes in the above document. When you spot a mistake somewhere select it with your mouse and right-click the selection. The option "Comment" will appear. Left-click that and type in what you feel I need to change along with a small signature (An example has already been done near the beginning of the document).

Please mention in this thread what you used as a signature. I want to attribute you in my AN.

-chronodekar

 

[Estrecca]

Primary thought:

In this instance, we cannot just stick to the SAO side of things.

Either in the middle of the story or in the Aincrad arc, something must be explained about what Shirou is doing while Rin is comatose.

Even ignoring the ongoing security breach, Shirou ought to either be researching ways of pulling Rin out of the game or tracking down Kayaba to ask some very pointed questions.

 

[MrEmperor]

Well, I just replied in the old thread, but I'll repeat that I like this version better. I do enjoy how you covered some of the development of SAO from a beta tester's perspective and papered over a gap by showing what Kirito and Klein talked about in that first day.

I'm not that into Nasuverse, so I can't really help you on that end, but things seemed fine on that front from my limited exposure (tiny bits of F/S Zero, and F/S Night fanfiction).

The only part that appears to be off, is how Kirito justifies his different response to Klein's friends. I don't know if I was able to see why he joined up with him this time around. Lastly, I'm enjoying having Klein have a girlfriend, but is she someone we should know? He didn't have on in the SAO itself, so does she have some extra significance? Nothing major here, but I'm curious.

Thanks a bunch for this, I saw it via Murazor on Spacebattles.

 

[chronodekar]

@Estrecca,

It's not that I disagree with you, but rather I think any real world explanations can wait until everyone gets rescued or escapes SAO. I fully agree that Shirou would be working on ways to extract Rin out of the game, but would not be willing to gamble her life on something that he wasn't 100% certain.

Considering that excuse worked in the original novel, I'm going to use it as well. Besides, showing the real-world now will just distract the fun from the story.

@MrEmperor,

Glad to see you replied here too. Thanks! Regrading Kirito joining Klein, in the original novel, he was very hesitant to leave him. But the primary reason he was not too willing was because the risk of failure would increase if they had an inexperienced party. Here, he's just a bit more willing to accommodate Klein because of the time they spent together. Won't mention any further spoilers on that end right now. ;P

During her interaction with Rin, Klein's girlfriend was using her avatar, so it's not surprising that you didn't recognize her. I'll introduce her a bit more in the next chapter but here is the character she is based on (or just blatantly ripped off from),
<a href='http://myanimelist.net/character/7194/Taeko_Minazuki' target='_blank' rel='nofollow'>Taeko Minazuki</a>.

Anyone have any good ideas why she should have glasses in the game? I want to match that anime image as closely as I can.

Also - thanks for pointing out the SB thread. I didn't even realize they discussed SAO over there. Will need to chime in...

-chronodekar

 

[nick012000]

You know, if this version of Sword Art Online emulates Nasuverse magecraft, it seems that it could well be the result of a magus who is trying to reach the Root by creating a magical ritual performed by the players within the virtual world it creates, and which would therefore be beyond the reach of the Counter Force.

 

[daniel_gudman]

I've dropped some comments in, tagged "dg" for you.

Anyway, I've got some stylistic advice:
(1) Don't use underlining as an intensifier. I dig that you were trying to go somewhere with it when the GM was speaking, but it was distracting.

(2) Use punctuation marks properly, not excessively. Especially with exclamation points!

(3) Rather than indicating game effects with italics, I think it would be neater to take a page from Disgaea's book and just put them [inside brackets]. Well, that's something I think would be cool, not something necessary.

I've got some plot advice too:
(1) Speed up the bit with Kirito and Klein; I think maybe a paragraph or two and then a "cross-fade" to Rin and Taeko, since they're giving the audience the same exposition. Ah, but I liked the part where Kirito was describing the "constellation interface", because it made him seem knowledgeable, and it made the game seem "different than everything that came before".

(2) Kirito's decision to go with them feels unmotivated. I propose: have Taeko and Rin meet up with Kirito and Klein before the GM Announcement, so they're there to flip the "save girls" switch inside Kirito.

(3) Remove Silica entirely. I think rape-rescue scenes are overplayed, although Rin siccing the guards was clever (but has an unfortunate "want of a nail" implication: what happened in SAO canon without Rin?). But more than anything, I think you're setting her up to infodump to Silica about "how to wizard" too easily. When "circumventing the secrecy of magecraft" is such a big deal, don't cheapen it by having Rin explain everything, immediately, when asked. And anyway...

(4) If Rin gets dragged along with Klein and Friends, she can be forced into the position of "magical tutor" when she grudgingly gives hints, after panicking when seeing these guys nearly melt their brains starting up their circuits. Her suspiciously good advice sets up a Tohsaka Failure Moment: she convinces them she's not Kayaba's agent by unintentionally blowing the Masquerade instead.

(5) I like the "Shirou isn't logged in" thing. Replicating his ability inside SAO with some "unique skill" would be a mistake. Well, with practice and focus, he might be able to Trace a sword into his mind, drag out a skill like Tsubume Gaishi from the Traced sword's history, and then apply it with a mundane/software weapon. But that's a pretty big stretch. Personally, the idea that he's circumventing the whole thing by just threatening to murder Asuna's dad unless he fixes this could be more interesting than just having him steal Kirito's "super swordsman" thunder. From another direction, it lets him swoop in and get a Crowning Badass Moment when, in Reality, he's stronger than anyone was in the game.

(6) Is Waver logged in or not?
...Well, I feel like he'd make a good mentor figure to pull in, either for Rin inside the game, or for Shirou outside. But, I'm just getting a little fixated on him, it's not like his presence in the story is mandatory.

In conclusion...

I thought the first draft you wrote was mediocre.

But, this second draft is interesting. It has a strong potential and it's caught my interest; all of my complaints are about easily-changed specifics. I'm looking forward to more.

 

[nick012000]

Also, Rin (and any other actual magi trapped in the game) should be able to use their familiars to contact people outside; in Rin's case, that'd either be Saber, or the gemstone familiars she used to scout in the Holy Grail War. Needless to say, this would probably be a very valuable service to everyone else trapped inside the game, if it becomes public knowledge.

 

[chronodekar]

@nick012000,

THAT is an interesting theory and has me intrigued. If nothing else will provide quite a bit of fodder for Nasu-fans.

@daniel_gudman,

Thanks for actually commenting in the doc. I've already made the simpler changes.

* The GM speaking thing will (hopefully) never be repeated again. Frankly I don't like it myself, but in the end feel it's better than writing "the GM said so-and-so" all the time.

* Punctuation marks have been toned down as suggested.

* about [this] I need to verify with FF.NET. The site has some really weird filters and I already know they REMOVE <this>. so that it just becomes this It will depend on what's easier to work with.

>> The "constellation interface" is a direct jab at Skyrim.

>> Too many people seem to have issues with Kirito joining up with Klein. Let me think on it for a bit to see if I can make it more ... smoother. Later on, within another chapter or two, I'm planning to have they split up.

>> I now have a good mind to delete the Silica scene just because you seem to think it's rape. I really meant that she was going to be sacrificed. Besides, the purpose of that was to open up room for Rin to explain how the magic system in SAO worked in the next chapter. I'll re-consider that.

>> Rin has her own considerations for the time being. She won't be joining up with Klein or Kirito anytime soon.

>> I mean to imply that Shirou is sitting helplessly on the outside. He'll be trying to get her out, but since there's no 100% chance of saving everyone, he'll just be forced to wait (and NOT get a scene again until everyone gets out, hopefully)

>> Haven't decided on Waver. Tending to YES, but I don't have enough of a handle on his character yet to know how to write him.

Glad to know that you liked the changes.

-chronodekar

 

[chronodekar]

I've got the preview of the next chapter ready. Here it is,

<a href='http://goo.gl/0DfCi' target='_blank' rel='nofollow'>Chapter 02: Opening tutorial comes to a conclusion</a>

As usual, please point out any mistakes/errors/plot-holes that need filling. And of course, what you think of the story so far.

Hope this sticks to the standards set by chapter-1 ?

-chronodekar