Akamatsuverse Triumvirate Chapter Six

Temjin-On

Well-Known Member
#1
Triumvirate, perhaps the only fic I have ever been bugged to update. I have let it go for a while, really uninspired to continue working on it. I've started a draft for chapter six before this, but I threw it out to go with some ideas I've had partially inspired from lurking around here. I'm tired now, and I am not sure if this is up to what people would want. I think I might be trying a little too hard to be funny, but hey, I'm open for recommendations on fixing things. I'd love to make chapter six every bit as much as enjoyable as people have gotten from the first five chapters of Triumvirate. This means I'll probably finally go back and fix the spelling and grammar errors from the first few chapters that are pretty bad. (like misspelling Tsukuro's name, ect.) For anyone who isn't familiar with the fic, it can be found @ http://www.fanfiction.net/s/2362851/1/Triumvirate . Sorry if this sounds rantish, emo or apathetic, I'm just really tired at the time of posting this. I do have high hopes for the direction I want to take, so here is the first snippet of Triumvirate, Chapter Six, entitled It's Educational.

Triumvirate
Chapter Six: It's Educational

After what anyone would describe as a chaotic and emotional day, the families that had gathered in Hinata-sou decided to go split themselves amongst the inn for a period of bonding between the families of the newlyweds. The over all theme of the past day had been bonding, and it took the mind of one outside observer, namely a shy girl turned resident Iron Chef, as to why exactly after a morning spent in near fisticuffs that the families would find that further attempts at bonding would be a good idea. She simply guessed that the families still had a lot of concerns over their respective offspring's choices, but she didn't think much past that. After all, extra house guests gave her a chance to try out new recipes that she normally wouldn't get to cook. While this observation is actually mostly true, the thoughts crossing each set of parents and the newlyweds in general had a slightly more calculating nature about them. In fact, the whole situation was being taken by all those involved like it was some great political battle fought in the grassroots, trying to rally support behind a cause they fervently believed in. Forget the Diet or the United Nations, for those gathered at the Hinata-sou, the politics of love where all that mattered. When the suggestion came up that more familial bonding would be a good idea, it is not surprising that it was suggested by Naru that everyone split along gender lines. This is obviously because after living for any period of time with a readily accessible onsen, one becomes somewhat spoiled. But her official reason was that in her opinion, ôNothing is as relaxing and centering than a nice, relaxing soak.ö Poor Keitaro, Kenjo and Soichiro never stood a chance, as the hot springs where always segregated, and just like in so many other aspects of their lives, their wives ended up winning without so much as a fight on their part. So, much like on television and in the movies, the three men retreated to the lounge for a nice drink.

ôKeitaro my boy! Come and have a drink with your old man!ö said Kenjo as he flopped down on the couch and brandished a bottle of sake. ôOr are you a lightweight?ö

ôI should probably have something a little less strong.ö Keitaro said sheepishly, motioning to his cast-bound leg. ôMaybe just a beer, you know? Painkillers and all.ö

Kenjo chuckled. ôSo you are a lightweight!ö

Soichiro found himself amused at the thought of his newly acquired step-son-in-law facing an overdose from mixing alcohol with painkillers, if only for a moment. ôAh well, lightweight or not, have a beer, then. One or two can't hurt. In fact, they might serve to put you in the right mindset.ö

Keitaro shrugged. ôThe right mindset?ö

Soichiro nodded. ôWhat was it Naru said, 'Nothing is as relaxing and centering than a nice, relaxing soak'?ö Keitaro nodded. ôObviously, replace a dip in the onsen with some alcohol, and you've got yourself a more centered and focused world.ö

Kenjo knocked back a shot of sake and sighed in satisfaction. ôYes, but you see, the point is to find the right balance, get to buzzed and you get sloshed, and after that happens your far too centered and you'll end up regretting it later.ö

Again, Soichiro couldn't fight off the nagging little voice in the back of his head at was overjoyed at the thought of a dead Keitaro, if only for a millisecond. ôKenjo, I might have underestimated you, my man.ö He raised up his sake glass and knocked it against Kenjo's. ôHere's to a clam and centered state of mind! To semi-drunkness!ö

Keitaro shrugged and reached for a can of beer that sat on the end table next to the couch. ôAh, one can't hurt.ö He popped the top on the can and took a sip and joined in the toast. ôTo semi-drunkness!ö

In the hot springs, every single female aside from Shinobu and Su had gathered to partake in a nice, relaxing soak. In contrast to the men of the house, the drinking was more disbursed amongst the ladies, with Kitsune drinking a bit harder than normal, chalking it up to ôa celebration of companyö, as if a reason was needed, while Naru abstained with Tsukuro, while Motoko shared a shot or two of sake with Anju at her insistence. Kasumi had a couple, but was decidedly more aloof than she had been during most of the day, as if she was deep in thought.

ôIt must be wonderful, living with these hot springs here for use any time you wish.ö Anju sighed contently. ôI have half a mind to move in myself, this is heaven!ö

ôIndeed! Why do you think we keep Keitaro around, eh?ö asked Kitsune. ôSomeone has to keep this place clean, and our boy does it the best!ö

ôAh, so you could say, my daughter married the pool boy?ö winked Anju. ôDear dear, you know what that means, don't you?ö

ôNaru has sampled the forbidden fruit! The sexy pool boy! Well, not so much sexy, it is Keitaro after all!ö Kitsune chuckled, dodging a small glare from Kasumi. ôAh Anju, I always thought you where the coolest Mom in high school.ö

ôOh Konno, I wonder why I ever thought you were such a skanky girl and bad influence on my Naru.ö Anju dropped her sake cup and embraced Kitsune. ôI swear I take it all back. You're the best.ö

ôWow, mom... that was...ö Naru paused, trying to find the exact word she wanted. ôTouching. But the fact still remains, I haven't slept with Keitaro!ö

ôOh? Then how about you, Motoko?ö

Motoko, who not unlike her husband was a lightweight, coughed and sputtered on her sake, requiring Anju to slap her on the back a few times to get her to breathe again. ôSe... sex!? Not in the slightest!ö

ôBut, have you considered it? I mean, you really have to.ö

ôI... I have had... some education.ö Motoko was blushing like a stoplight. ôBut... it's never been a... priority.ö

Tsukuro smiled. ôMy dear sister, it has become one now.ö

It was at this time that Kasumi broke her aloof meditation and interjected her piece. ôGirls, do you have any questions about sex? I mean, heavens know since both of you are so inexperienced, I'm sure we can help with any misconceptions you may have.ö

ôPointers are available, too.ö added Anju.

Forgetting all modesty, Naru jumped up out of the water and pointed wildly at her mother-in-law. ôI cannot believe we are even having this conversation!ö

ôWhy?ö asked Anju, greatly intrigued by her daughter's action. ôWe're all adults here, talking about the most beautiful thing in the world.ö

ôNo way! No how! I am NOT talking about SEX with my own MOTHER!ö

Anju sighed. ôNaru, honey, in case you forgot, you're married. Even if your husband is a bigger virgin than you are, sooner or later, there's going to be some boots that get knocked.ö

Kasumi splashed some water at Anju in a bit of indignation. ôHey now! Keitaro could easily have lost his virginity, he's just too much of a nice guy.ö she poured herself a drink of sake and quaffed it down. ôBut enough about that. The real issue here is, you girls are, from what I can tell, prudes. You need some education in the carnal matters.ö

Naru, never much one for subtly, laid it all on the line. ôI don't want to talk about this sort of thing with my mother or my in-laws!ö she looked over at Motoko. ôAnd I don't think Motoko does either, do you?ö She nodded in the affirmative. ôI understand your eagerness, but, no!ö

ôThen, we are at an impasse, eh?ö asked Anju quietly.

ôIn the past, the family always provided the education required to their children before they entered marriage.ö said Tsukuro. ôBut these days, it doesn't seem as much. With this refusal, where does the responsibility now lie?ö

Kitsune knocked back another drink and shot up, left hand in the air with her right hand on her hip. ôI'll do it, I'll take the case!ö the other women looked at her with confused glances. ôSince Naru and Motoko feel uncomfortable discussing sex with their parents, and rightfully so, perhaps it'll be better if taught and explained by a close personal friend!ö

Kasumi smacked her fist in her palm. ôOf course! It would be like all those sleepovers I used to go to when I was younger. Minus perhaps, all the practicing of French kissing and the experimenting.ö

ôMitsune, are you sure?ö asked Anju. ôThis won't be easy.ö

ôWell, I care a lot about the girls, and I want to see them happy.ö Kitsune said, determination in her voice as she put both hands on her hips as if she were Patton giving a motivational monologue about making the other bastards die for their country. ôHey, it's a dirty job, but someone's gotta do it!ö

ôBut...ö Naru whined.

ôNo butts, grab Motoko and follow me, you two have five minutes to meet me upstairs in my room.ö Kitsune smiled as she grabbed a towel. ôYou will not be disappointed.ö She dashed off into the inn as fast as she could.

Shaking her head, Naru looked over at Motoko, and sighed. ôI'm beginning to think some of Keitaro's bad luck had rubbed off on us by association.ö

ôIndeed...ö

ôDoesn't look like we have much of a choice, do we?ö

ôSo it would seem.ö

ôIs there a reply you're going to give me right now that doesn't make you sound like a shocked, emotionless doll?ö

ôIt is unlikely.ö

Naru threw up her hands in surrender and reached for two towels, handing one to Motoko. ôCome on then, Wondergirl. Might as well accept our fate.ö

As the pair left, Tsukuro looked to the sky and chuckled. Neither Anju or Kasumi really knew what was going through her mind at that moment, and they weren't sure they wanted to know either. The image she was projecting was that of a woman who had began to see things fall into place. She was planning something, and neither woman knew what.

-- Minutes Later, in Kitsune's room.--

It was with a great sense of apprehension and doubt that Motoko felt as she knocked on the door to Kitsune's room. Naru had opted to let Motoko knock, partially because she was just as apprehensive as Motoko, even if she wouldn't admit it. They both swallowed their nerves and knocked.

Kitsune threw the door open, dressed in a rather elaborate maroon and purple kimono. ôAh girls, right on time. Come on in and prepare to be educated.ö she smirked. ôPens and paper are available upon request.ö

The girls followed their friend into her room and sat in front of a large bookcase they hadn't recalled seeing before.

ôAh, Kitsune, where did all the books come from?ö asked Naru. ôNo offense, but you don't really that much, do you?ö

Kitsune chuckled. ôNaru, my girl, this collection is the result of a lot of work, blackmail, manipulation and research on my part. Behind me is everything you two will ever need to learn about sexual relations.ö

ôIs that your smut collection?ö asked Motoko, with a slight tinge of disgust in her voice.

ôSmut, my dear, is what we call those little 'novels' of yours.ö Kitsune's reply got the desired effect as Motoko blushed furiously. ôNo, these are not smut! They are everything from books on anatomy to literary works of the highest caliber!ö

ôYou're a pervert, Kitsune!ö said Naru. ôI always knew...ö

ôThere is nothing perverse about this!ö retorted Kitsune. ôIn fact, I have what most people would consider a healthy desire. I am here to help the both of you get the same thing, or at least start you on the road to doing so.ö

Naru sighed as she put her face in her palm. ôJust get on with it, already...ö

ôRight! Well, for starters, I assume you both know the anatomy of the human body, both male and female.ö Both girls nodded in the affirmative. ôGood. Now, for you, Motoko, I think I'll start you out light and ease you in, seeing as your the more repressed of the two of you.ö She ignored Motoko's glare as she turned around and thumbed through her bookshelf. ôAh! Here we are.ö She turned around and handed Motoko a book. ôYou'll learn a lot from 'Your Virginity and You: 20 Ways to Lose it.'ö

Motoko balked, but steeled herself and nodded, placing the book in her lap. ôThank you.ö

ôDon't mention it.ö said Kitsune, turning again to her bookshelf. ôNaru, I know you've at least attempted to get the attention of a man before, so we've been over a lot of this.ö She paused and found pulled out a book. ôHere, this will be right up your alley.ö

Naru accepted the book and would have done a spit take had she been drinking. ôA Series of Very Costumed Encounters?ö

ôOh, right, be right back, I got a couple of costumes for you.ö

ôCosplay!? Are you serious?ö

ôSuper serious.ö Kitsune stuck her head out of her closet. ôDo you want French maid, school girl, white mage, plugsuit, fishwife, wizard robe and hat or Mothra?ö

ôI don't want any of them!ö

ôNaru....ö

ôOh... fine, white mage.ö

ôExcellent choice, excellent choice.ö Kitsune looked over at Motoko. ôI've got a copy of that book for you too. Since Naru picked white mage can I get you a matching red mage costume and get a monk costume for Keitaro?ö Motoko was silent. ôYeah, I'll take that as a yes.ö she popped back into the closet. ôTell you what, I'll throw in wizard robe and hat and plugsuit for free. The two of you should have school girl down pretty pat, and even then that's a pretty boring fetish to explore. I should hope that your husband doesn't have a lolicon fetish, that would be bad for you guys.ö

ôOh?ö asked Motoko. ôDoes this mean he would be a threat to poor Shinobu and Su?ö

ôNah, why would he when he can just dress the two of you up all nice and cute?ö

And that ends the first snippet, leaning towards the loliside.
 

shadar

Well-Known Member
#2
*cringes* Wall of Text. That is one HUGE Wall of Text. I actually went and did a word count on it. You have a 349 word paragraph. Even if you're going for longer paragraphs, that's would be at least three separate paragraphs, and I'd probably learn closer to four paragraphs.




Your sentences need to be more defined and less convoluted. A mistake for many beginner authors is to pile on the clauses until you've got an incredibly complex sentence. You're better off with short and simple sentences, as they can get your point across with minimal ambiguity.

In contrast to the men of the house, the drinking was more disbursed amongst the ladies, with Kitsune drinking a bit harder than normal, chalking it up to ôa celebration of companyö, as if a reason was needed, while Naru abstained with Tsukuro, while Motoko shared a shot or two of sake with Anju at her insistence.
That's... how many subordinate clauses in a single sentence? I count like seven subordinate clauses. I don't think even convoluted academic writing uses that many. I'm not sure how much is alright, but three or four wouldn't be a problem. It's just when you got so many that the sentence feels strange. By the time I finished reading "as if a reason was needed", I pretty much already mentally ended the sentence. Then you keep going on, and on, and on.


Soichiro nodded. ôWhat was it Naru said, 'Nothing is as relaxing and centering than a nice, relaxing soak'?ö Keitaro nodded. ôObviously, replace a dip in the onsen with some alcohol, and you've got yourself a more centered and focused world.ö
This should be reworded, perhaps with an ellipsis (...), if you're attempting what I think you are and putting some hesitation between "said" and Naru's quote. The current wording makes no sense, as the question is asking "what", which is asking for an answer to be supplied, and you're answering the question IN THE SAME SENTENCE.

If you wanted to give the sense that he's thinking and answering the question himself while also putting some hesitation on his answer, you need to write something like:
"What was it Naru said...? 'Nothing is as relaxing and centering than a nice relaxing soak'?"


Also, Motoko's sister's name is spelt Tsuruko (her name kanji literally spells crane child, tsuru ko).

Your description isn't bad, but it's not really inspired or engaging. You should try something other than simple "said", "sighed", "nodded", "shrugged" etc. You can try adding adverbs such as happily, angrily, indifferently, angrily, stuff like that.

Also, you should try to describe the scene a little better other than in dialogue, which is pretty decent really. Describe things like describing them playing around with their hair, clenching their fists, gesturing, winking, leaning back, yawning, smiling contentedly, stuff like that. You've got the bare bones right now, really, but there's not very much information about how the characters physically act or interact with their surroundings.
 

kitsuneb

Well-Known Member
#3
wow, he told you off without flaming. that's a first. he must be an english major
 

Temjin-On

Well-Known Member
#4
It an insomnia induced fit of self-necro, I stumbled upon the file I had for a completely revised Chapter Six, throwing out all I had started with here, but the attempt barely filled a page before I got off track with other things and well... I'm not sure if I'm too happy with it either. So I'm gonna post it below before I go and get on with explaining exactly what I wish to do and how I have no real clue of how to go about it.

Triumvirate
Chapter Six: It's Educational (THE REVISION)

To call the events of the earlier parts of the day chaotic and tumultuous would probably seem like a gross understatement to all involved. Things had, however, died down for what most hoped was for good. In truth, after the big confrontation, the guests and split rather predictably along gender lines, with the women doing what they usually did at the Inn, and went to the onsen for a nice soak, while Shinobu went to the kitchen to prepare an evening dinner, with the help of Mei, while Su went off to do whatever it is she does when she disappears. Soichiro had decided to that he felt like a run, so he had opted to see the quaint surroundings of Hinata-sou by himself, while Keitaro joined his father Kenjo in a walk around the interior of the Inn, in a rare sort of Father-Son bonding moment. Keitaro was immediately unsure if a walk was the best idea, seeing as he was still on crutches, but he wasn't about to pass up the chance to perhaps gain some helpful insight into married life from his father.

ôKeitaro, my boy. I know I have said it before but I am going to say it again. I'm proud of you.ö

ôThanks, Dad. I'm glad to hear it!ö

ôKeitaro, let me look at you.ö Kenjo stopped walking and turned to face his son. He looked at Keitaro and saw a reflection of himself as a younger man, goofy glasses and all. He stood slightly shorter by a few centimeters as his son, but it would be almost impossible for anyone to tell them apart had it not been that Kenjo wore his hair a good deal shorter than Keitaro's, and his face had wrinkled and aged as he continued to approach his golden years. ôBefore I came here, I sent you away from home as a boy, almost a man-child, someone who I felt couldn't let go of his idealism and live in the real world. You've proven me wrong, though. You've gotten into Tokyo University, just as you said you would. You've taken charge of this place and have made it look better than it has in years. And when faced with a situation where your friends would face horrible consequences, you rose to stand by their sides. These alone sound like the feats of a man, not a child.ö Kenjo chuckled and pulled his Son into a hug. ôI've always wanted to make a speech to you like that. I guess I watched too many cheesy movies when I was younger, yeah?ö

ôIt's fine Dad, you did sound kind of cool.ö Keitaro chuckled, as his father released the hug. ôYou know, I'm happy that you are so sure I've matured into a better person.ö

ôAnd you are not?ö

ôEh, it varies from day to day, honestly. To be honest... the marriage, I uh. I don't know, really.ö Keitaro coughed, and pushed his slightly off kilter glasses back up his nose. ôI feel like I am automatically sure I wanted to do this and also automatically unsure if this was a good idea.ö

(Right then!)

Now to get back to topic. I can sit here and tell everyone how badly I want to get past this seemingly insurmountable wall in my mind and work through on this story, mainly because it's a fun fic to write when it gets going, and I have an emotional attachment to it, and well the Love Hina fandom in general. The point here is I know exactly what I want to happen now, for what seems like the duration of the fic. Originally I planned for Kanako to pop up in the next Chapter or so to start making things entirely hellish for everyone, because that's who she is. Since she isn't with Keitaro, she's going to do everything in her power to get with him and at the same time get the other girls out of the picture. Plus I feel I have sort of gotten sidetracked from the potential for drama between Naru and Motoko, which originally was perhaps the main thing that would cause conflict in the marriage. Keitaro, being Keitaro would probably never chose one over the other because he wouldn't want to hurt his friends, he's too nice of a guy.

The one answer I keep coming back to on that end is that ultimately, Keitaro either runs from his problems and is never heard from again or he simply just tells both the girls he cannot chose and that as soon as possible they should end the marriage. That's a depressing ending that I don't think I wanna get behind. Him running away and everyone running to get him would be quite similar to a canon arc and the ending for it would be Keitaro can't take it and it's over. The scenario I came back to here was character death of several varieties. Again, far too depressing.

So I am left where to go? That's not a hard question, continue on as best as I can now with the way I want to go. Which has Kanako, Naru/Motoko feuding, and as far as I can tell probably a lemon or two towards the end. Everyone's happy and I get to finish a story for a change.

I just can't seem to get back into the feel and flow of Triumvirate, you know? I mean, that sounds kind of strange to me, but at the same time, I think I tend to write differently than I did when I was still furiously hammering out chapters to this fic. The fear being here is how does it reflect overall if the story starts on one note and then shifts slightly, going in the same direction but still... different? Does this ruin the effect of trying to tell a story both you enjoy and your readers enjoy? Who knows.

The point I guess I'm trying to make is, while the will and the desire to continue are there, I feel like conflicting ideas and a bit of confusion are holding me back.

So I guess I'm stuck, folks. If anyone has some insight, that'd be awesome.
 
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