Nasuverse Unnamed [FSN/IS]

Nasuren

Well-Known Member
#1
A while ago I posted that I had an idea for a FSN/IS idea in the UGBW thread, so since my computer down I typed this up on my mom's laptop since I couldn't play games with my free time.

Note that I wouldn't call myself the best of writers, and this is the first fic I actually attempted to publish here.

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“Nee-chan… I’m cold...”

“Hold on a little bit longer.” Chifuyu whispered as she tightened the hug the the bundle in her arms as she kept walking down the road.

Once again she cursed under her breath. She had only the few seconds to put the jacket in her little brother and wrap him in his blanket before she was forced to leave with her brother by his window. She had no time to change out of own pajamas, nor could she grab her shoes at the entrance without alerting her parents.

Her parents…

Years ago she would say that there wasn't anything special about their parents. Her mother was stay at home mother and her father was a salary man at some company that occasionally left on work trips out of the country. They were the type always obeyed the law and go to bed early, with nothing standing out except for a strong insistence for her to attend various martial arts and self defense classes.

That changed when she tried to get some water when she woke up that evening only to see the light in her parents room through a crack in the door. On a whim she peeked through the door and saw a sight that would forever change her world.

Her parents were up, and their bed was covered in guns.

For a moment she couldn't help but stare, watching as her parents handled the guns with what her untrained eyes could easily tell was expert precision. Guns were mostly illegal in Japan, except for the heavily licensed shotgun or air rifles.

Ironic that it was she heard that snapped her out of her trance.

“Use a silencer when you kill Ichika. We don’t want the girls asking questions when we put them on the plane tomorrow.”

“Don’t worry Ichika, I’ll make sure nothing happens to you.” She whispered as the boy attempted to nuzzle closer against her.

She couldn't go home. If they were planning on sending her and Madoka somewhere, odds are they wouldn't hurt her sister. She couldn't go home without risking Ichika’s life, and her parents would likely check with the few friends she had. The amount of firearms they had made her nervous about calling the police on the chance she was right...

For once in her life, she didn't know what to do.

Luckily the sun hasn't risen and the town was still sleeping. The road was empty and she had yet seen another soul on the road.

It was the moment that she started to walk by the nearby park that fate intervened.

“Nene- Are you alright?”

Turning around, a black haired teenage met a purple hair girl for the first time.

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Not much on the FSN side yet, though I hope to change it with the next snippet. This also isn't a universe which the fifth HGW has taken place yet, and the divergence event throws a heavy wrench in any plans for it in the future.
 

daniel_gudman

KING (In Land of Blind)
Staff member
#2
Nasuren said:
“Use a silencer when you kill Ichika. We don’t want the girls asking questions when we put them on the plane tomorrow.”
I originally parsed this as, like, a "protip from dad."

"Listen here, son. Your big sisters will ask questions you don't want to answer, and more importantly, they'll take it up with mom, who will ask questions I don't want to answer. So when you shoot a Bad Guy, use a silencer."

Because, to me, that made way more sense then premeditated son-murder... especially since if they just waited one more day, they wouldn't even have to worry about it? And wouldn't it be better to choose a method that wasn't so blatantly obvious?

I mean, leaving aside that it's completely without any motivation.

I dig the "in media res" kind of thing, but at the same time, even just leaving aside questions of motive as "something that will get explained later", I've still got, like, logistical concerns.

But leaving that aside...

Chifuyu going off the rails out of a sense of responsibility, viscerally feels like a good direction, to me. Like, the image of her, age 10, trying to be "cool big sis"; it's just so good.
 

Nasuren

Well-Known Member
#3
daniel_gudman said:
Nasuren said:
“Use a silencer when you kill Ichika. We don’t want the girls asking questions when we put them on the plane tomorrow.”
I originally parsed this as, like, a "protip from dad."

"Listen here, son. Your big sisters will ask questions you don't want to answer, and more importantly, they'll take it up with mom, who will ask questions I don't want to answer. So when you shoot a Bad Guy, use a silencer."

Because, to me, that made way more sense then premeditated son-murder... especially since if they just waited one more day, they wouldn't even have to worry about it? And wouldn't it be better to choose a method that wasn't so blatantly obvious?

I mean, leaving aside that it's completely without any motivation.

I dig the "in media res" kind of thing, but at the same time, even just leaving aside questions of motive as "something that will get explained later", I've still got, like, logistical concerns.

But leaving that aside...

Chifuyu going off the rails out of a sense of responsibility, viscerally feels like a good direction, to me. Like, the image of her, age 10, trying to be "cool big sis"; it's just so good.
...it actually is premeditated son murder. I won't fully explain the why at this moment, but I will say that there's a few hints if you look for it. I will say that the parents aren't canon Type-Moon or IS characters, and the reason behind it gives the Orimura siblings a strong connection to Nasu-verse.

I do see what you're talking about, though. I can't take it out without (spoilers) giving him a trip to Chifuya's Dragon Dojo by a very violent death if he arrived where they're sending the girls (spoilers). The original draft had a few hints that I took out due to not flowing right, but it did reveal details like the woman Chifuyu calls mother did not give birth to the twins. Odds are I should put it back in and try to tweak it to work in the story.

Any suggestions?

At least I managed to get Chifuyu down right. Maybe I actually have a chance to pull of the next part of the prologue and give Kiritsugu a proper send off.
 

daniel_gudman

KING (In Land of Blind)
Staff member
#4
At first I thought that their parents were Sakura+Shirou (she's a stay-at-home mom and he pretends "Wandering Ally of Justice" is a regular job); but I knew that was disqualified based on the design of what you said elsewhere.

Suggestions...

I think you're trying to accomplish too much in too little space. Like, it zig-zags from "parents are normal--no they're not--they're gonna kill Ichika because IDK--hey is that Sakura?" too quickly.

I got hung up on questions about why they were gonna kill Ichika, but that's not necessarily bad, because it's what you're trying to accomplish. But me getting hung up on how ("Why not shoot him day after next? Why not poison or electrocution? How will they dispose of the body?"), those questions maybe aren't so good.

I mean, if you have a reasonable Evil Plan to answer all that cool, but without being able to read on and find out, it bugs me.

Well,

If I was in your shoes, I would abandon any hesitation about (Spoilers) in either this thread or an associated Idea thread, and then post your story outline so others can work through the plan you have for your plot and offer feedback.

To put it another way, if there are major plot-holes in your story outline, it's less frustrating to deal with those before you've written half the story, rather than after.
 

Garahs

Well-Known Member
#5
“Use a silencer when you kill Ichika. We don’t want the girls asking questions when we put them on the plane tomorrow.”
Wait a sec, is that conversation about using a silencer to kill Ichika or is it about Ichika learning to use a silencer when killing others? Because if it's supposed to be the second, you really need a comma before Ichika.
 

Nasuren

Well-Known Member
#6
Alright, I will.

This whole scene takes place during the space between the end of the fourth war and Kiritsugu's death. The parents themselves aren't the parents of the siblings but are actually handlers hired by the family that 'made' them.

In the off chance that 'Team Einzbern' failed to win his family the Grail, Acht ensured that some of Kiritsugu's donated sperm was left over from when they artificially conceived Illya. Chifuyu is, in fact, the eldest daughter of Emiya Kiritsugu and was part of a plan to raise a sleeper agent that could later serve as a master. After a few years in which Chifuyu surpassed their expectations, another child was 'created'. However, since they kept the alterations to a minimum, the Einzbern inadvertently gave birth to twins. Madoka was planned, but Ichika wasn't.

Ichika was allowed to live, but constantly failed to meet expectations. When they moved to 'phase two' shortly after the end of the fourth war, the handlers were ordered to ship the girls and to erase their presence. Acht personally gave the order, which included the disposal of the 'failed' one in a moment of spite towards their 'father'.

And no, the parents aren't Shirou or Sakura. I'm trying to keep Shirou and Ichika in the same age group and the events of the main story would be during the time that the fifth HGW would have taken place. I'm still working on the timeline to try and fit it.

Should I go into more depth or explain more of the plot?
 
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