[Waifu Fic] First

grant

Well-Known Member
#1
First

Series: Mysterious Girlfriend X

Pairing: Mikoto Urabe/Akira Tsubaki

Based on a longstanding fan theory I've always had about Urabe's ability. I've actually toyed with making this idea a lemon on occasion, but I'm not sure how to really pull that off. I have enough trouble just with having characters speak sentences.

Things people need to understand (even though it's explained in the text). The series is about Tsubaki dating a girl who has the odd power to share emotions and sometimes even physical traits (scrapes) when she shares her drool with someone.

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Their first was during a date in the park.

It was a late Sunday afternoon in late summer. Tsubaki had invited her out for a chance to enjoy a last bright day before winter returned. Wandering through it they'd chosen to venture deeper into a more private area. By now Tsubaki suspected that half the school knew, but the two still didn't feel ready to announce it.

He noticed the sun fading and reluctantly turned to Urabe. "Hey, I guess it's time we headed back" he ventured.

Sighing, she nodded. "It was a great time" she told him, smiling, "but one last thing" before bringing her finger into her mouth.

A part of their daily routine due to her strange powers, somehow Tsubaki had become reliant on it her drool. Without a taste a day, he'd quickly become sick and sluggish. Odd to say the least, but just another mysterious thing he'd grown accustomed to about his girlfriend.

She reached out with her finger covered in drool. Looking around to make sure of their privacy, Tsubaki quickly leaned down to quickly taste it.

This time however, something was different. As her finger entered his mouth, Tsubaki felt a rush of anticipation. As it left he reached out to grasp her shoulders.

“Tsubaki?” Urabe's voice seemed to be different as well. Almost like she was feeling the same thing.

He slowly pulled her closer, heart pounding. Urabe's head leaned up, lips parting. As their faces closed, he really couldn't explain any of what was going on. It was just as though the timing was... right.

Unfortunately they had forgotten three things. The first was that Urabe Mikoto could both transfer and receive emotions through saliva. The second was that she tended to drool heavily when very happy. The third was that she and her boyfriend were sharing their first kiss.

The result was less a romantic exchange and more a sudden explosion of emotion.

Pleasure exploded throughout Tsubaki's body. He wasn't sure how he was managing to breath and with his tongue following her lips and exploring her mouth he really didn't care. His hands roughly pulled her into a tight embrace, dragging a shiver out of Urabe.

Stumbling around the path the two somehow managed to find their way off and through the bushes to a nearby tree. Tsubaki slumped against it as Urabe snaked her legs through his own, this time being the one to drag him closer.

The sensation of her tongue along his and her legs pressing so closely made him break off the kiss for a moment to bring his head back and groan, unfortunately also banging his head against the rough bark of the tree. Shocked he tripped and fell, bringing Urabe down with him. Blinking through unexpected tears, Tsubaki found that he was thinking more clearly now.

He stared down at Urabe. Her dress was rumpled, the lower half pushed dangerously high on her legs. Any further and it would reveal her underwear and the scissors she kept with her at all times. Her eyes were half-closed as she gasped for breath, hands tracing his arms.

“Tsubaki?” she murmured “don't you want to...” Urabe blushed even deeper and looked away, her pink tongue appearing to trace the lips he had explored just moments ago.

Tsubaki was certain that he had never wanted anything so much in his entire life.

“Urabe” he groaned. His hands gently came up to grip hers. “Urabe” he continued “I think... we need to... stop.”

She blinked in surprise. “Stop?” she queried “was it bad?”

“No!” he rushed. Urabe flinched at his sudden bark and he hurried to smooth things over. “It was...” he shrugged “Great. It really was. But I think that if we keep going, we're going to regret it.”

Urabe was quiet for a long moment before taking a deep breath. He could see common sense coming back to her eyes.

“Y-yes.” She stood and took a step back, hands leaving his to adjust her dress, pulling it down and smoothing out wrinkles. Blushing about as heavily as he felt he was, she looked past him and moved through the bushes back onto the path. “Come on,” she called “it's getting late.”

He felt his heart clench? Was she angry? Pushing through the branches to follow he called out “Urabe-”

And she stopped him with a quick peck to the cheek.

“You know” she said with a faint smile “I'm really glad you're my boyfriend... Akira.”

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seitora

Well-Known Member
#2
Theme (15/15)

You would think a boy and a girl would have their first kiss after the first couple of dates, but ah, fiction and contrived circumstances! Nevertheless, it leads to enjoyable reading.

Language (9/15)

Overall alright, but some hiccups here. You have a bad habit of omitting commas at the end of dialogue when you're continuing the sentence with a description after that. Commas also need to be inserted in places such as the first word of this line

"Shocked he tripped and fell"

One of the last words in this line needs to be removed

"somehow Tsubaki had become reliant on it her drool"

And excluding basic words like 'the' or 'and', you want to try to use a synonym instead of repeating the same word twice in a sentence. For example, you use the word 'late' twice in the second sentence, when perhaps you could say 'near the end of summer' for the second use. And in this line, the use of 'quickly' twice is unnecessary.

"Tsubaki quickly leaned down to quickly taste it"


Writing Style (15/20)

Overall, I feel like the beginning is rushed a bit, tying into the next point on Plot/Content, as it seems to lead from one action to another quickly. Given it's a one-shot brevity of length is to be expected, but it still feels like the actions could be fleshed out a bit. Without knowing how in-character it would be, for example, maybe Urabe could say "Say ahhh", Tsubaki does as such and then Urabe puts her drool on his tongue from there.




Plot/Content (23/30)

While the ending is sappy in a good way, I feel like the earlier part of the story could have been fleshed out a bit more. I feel like Tsubaki is a little frustrated at how slow their relationship has been given the implication that a good deal of time has passed so far since they started being boyfriend and girlfriend, and perhaps that could have been explored a little bit more leading up their first kiss?

Given the plot device of the drool, going from first kiss to almost-sex is certainly plausible


Discretion (11/15)

Obscurity (5/5)

No listing on this at all for FFN that I see so definitely 5/5


Final Score
(78/100)
 
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