Akamatsuverse with Mutsumi (title subject to change)

chronodekar

Obsessively signs his posts
Staff member
#1
Some background first,

Within the last week or two, an inquiry was made as to WHY there aren't many Keitaro + Mutsumi fanfics out there. This is in spite of the fact that barring Naru, she's easily the "top girl". Simplest explanation? If the two were paired up, none of the other girls would stand a chance! That's probably correct, so why not just have the two of them married before the manga starts? The idea being that Keitaro comes to be manager of the Inn with his waifu Mutsumi.

I'm pumped up about writing this (co-authors welcome!) and this thread is to discuss related ideas. Basically a place to argue the plot-line.

EagleCeres proposed having the two of them meet during Keitaro's first Toudai attempt - they keep in touch or something. After their second failed attempt the Okinawa trip happens (manga volume 3).

His parents cut-off funds for his third attempt - which means that he's studying at the Inn for it. Since we want him married at that point, wedding bells should ring at the end of the Okinawa trip.

This needs a bit more thought. I'm going to read volume 3 of the manga to recollect the Okinawa trip. Here's how things go canonically,

Keitaro and Naru stay in the same hotel "Shinkansen". They are both on their way to Kyoto. They bump into each other on the train trip there (don't recognize each other due to missing glasses). Some idiocy happens and Keitaro ends up in Osaka. Not enough rooms are in the hotel they booked, the two end up being mistaken for a couple and spend the night in the same room (Keitaro, ties himself up).

In the middle of all this the rest of the girls are on an all-Japan tour trip. I'm ignoring them for now.

From Kyoto Keitaro & Naru take the ferry somewhere. Naru chases Keitaro on the deck, he bumps into Mutsumi (first canon meeting?) and she falls 'dead'. Naru checks and finds her pulse missing. (Love Hina Suspense Theatre: 'Murder on the Southern Bound Ferry' the chilling take of a hapless man whose gangly clumsiness sends women to their graves) Soon after Mutsumi wakes up and explains that she's anemic and prone to fainting spells.

Mutsumi looks at Keitaro in his eyes and comments how cute he looks and wonders if he's in middle school. She leaves them, bumping into different objects along the way. Naru & Keitaro worry a bit about her.

Scene change later, the two are at a table (presumably after dinner?) and Keitaro is trying to tell Naru something (a confession?). But each time Mutsumi walks by holding some object distracting him - first sushi, then watermelons, then dry squid. (She physically bumps into him with that last one, covering him with squid).

When she apologizes to Naru, Keitaro notices the 'Final Testament' letter in her bag. He thinks its a suicide note. Naru disagrees. They two argue and come across Mutsumi leaning across the railing - or rather, falling across the railing. Keitaro grabs her by the legs just as she falls off (Oddly enough, no panty shot on that scene...).

Turns out that it was another fainting spell. As for the letter, she keeps it around in case she really dies... at which point Naru & Keitaro wonder about her sanity. Mutsumi explains that she missed getting into a school she wanted and is on a journey of 'healing and self reflection'. Someone mentions that it's Keitaro's 3rd year as ronin and Mutsumi comments that he must be dumb.

They notice Mutsumi's skirt is torn. Naru lends her one, they talk, Mutsumi reveals that she's aiming for Toudai, Keitaro barges in and we get the obligatory panty shot.

Mutsumi decides to tag along with them (sharing dry squid). As the trio walk around, Mutsumi throws a watermelon around (hitting Keitaro & herself), she faints due to heat-stroke and they all enter a restaurant to eat. Mutsumi wants to treat them - they find out that she's a 3rd year ronin too, Keitaro has a small bro-bonding moment with her (their average scores are comparable - 49 & 50; horrible). They both seem bad at Maths (difficulty with fractions) but are good with music. Then the 2 douze Naru with water and apologize (she begins to wonder if they are twins or something...).

When its time to pay, Mutsumi seems to have lost her purse, Keitaro's wallet is missing and Naru ends up footing the bill. Keitaro & Mutsumi talk about spending the night in the cold park ... (Naru smuggles them into the hotel she's staying in).

In the hotel room, Keitaro & Mutsumi get drunk on beer (Naru is underage; so all she has is soda). It is revealed that Mutsumi also likes photo booths and has a collection ... like Keitaro. They talk about the different frames the photos have. On seeing his picture with Naru, Mutsumi figures out that he has a crush on Naru (he admits it too). She tires to 'help' but goofs up while giving Naru a back-wash in the bathroom. Also; she finds her purse in her OTHER pocket. It doesn't have much money.

They arrive in Okinawa. Mutsumi's house is on a small island off. They don't have money for a proper boat trip, so Mutsumi takes out an inflatable raft and the 3 use that to sail across (its a 2 hour trip). On the trip, Keitaro wonders if he should even try for a 3rd time. The raft sinks and the 3 drown?

He wakes up on an island somewhere, next to a Naru in a bikini (borrowed from Mutsumi). Mutsumi is playing around in the water, invites Naru to join her. The girls play for a bit. Keitaro gets hot watching them. He declines their invite to play - they gang up, strip him to his underwear and throw him into the water.

Some play about him not knowing how to swin (can't decide if this is fact or not) and Naru punches him on seeing his ... covered male excitement. (-sigh- Typical Naru).

Mutsumi faints (again), Naru goes to get fresh water, Keitaro stays back, covers her with his coat and keeps her company. Naru feels some jealousy.
Mutsumi then gets up, removes his glasses and KISSES him (in front of Naru, who predictably ... behaves like her usual self).

A boat comes along and Mutsumi realizes that the place was her backyard. Next day she sees the two off, gives Keitaro a present (which later is revealed to be Tama-chan) and kisses Naru saying that she 'tends to kiss people when she likes them'.

Keitaro + Naru leave and meet up the rest of the 'rescue patrol'. Also it looks like the took the ferry to 'Kyushu'.

Phew! That's quite a bit. Going to take a break now and will brainstorm some more later.

-chronodekar
 

EagleCeres

Well-Known Member
#2
Crossposting and editing the ideas I tossed in from the other thread:
Intro setup I said:
The way I kinda see it, the now happy couple met during Kei's 1st attempt to get into Toudai. After their accidental initial meeting and bumbling around, he escorts her to the classroom where she's taking her exam, then meeting afterwards (per her request) and again a bit of the same on their second exam day; they hit it off smashingly and decided to hang out as they waited for their results. Once they were informed of their failure, Mutsumi asks him out on a friendly date the day before she had to head back to Okinawa, making him promise to keep in touch (penpals/phonecalls/email?) as they share a similar goal (she may by now recognize him as HER Kei-kun, but decides not to tell him about their mutual promise, waiting on him to remember on his own).

In the concurrent year, Kei's parents offer to put up with him being a 1 year ronin, and let him prepare for his 2nd attempt (it's Toudai and he's not the sharpest tool in the shed, they expected him to fail at least once then either give up or get lucky) while he helps around the candy store. During this time Mutsumi may have dropped in to visit her friend once in a while during one of her odd escapades (Maybe Mrs. Otohime is a fan of the Urashima's candies?)... at these times they may have planned to meet up to compare notes and study techniques (excuses to hook up and cementing their friendship ).

As Kei's 2nd attempt comes closer, Mutsumi decides to drop in on him and offer to cram a week or two before the big test. Again, their results are less than satisfactory and they decide to go out and drown their sorrows. This would be a segue to Okinawa Trip, with Mutsumi laying the foundation for a romantic relationship between them during the trip. Once in Okinawa, Mrs. Otohime (and all the Okinawan neighbors) are happy because their "Princess" finally snagged the Toudai man of her dreams; possibly during a drunken moment, he may have commented something about her having great Waifu potential... Okinawan shenanigans ensue and he wakes up the next morning with a nasty hangover, a blissful Mutsumi hugging him in her sleep and a ring on his finger :p

Now... the real reason his parents "kick him out"/threaten to cut support from his 3rd attempt was that during the time that Kei was in Okinawa, he completely forgot to report in while on his grand escapade with Mutsumi; thus pissing off Kei's parents (probably just his mom?, dad would be cheering him on silently since he landed a cute girlfriend) because he "irresponsibly skipping out for two~three weeks, "probably going on a bender once he found out failed" instead of dutifully holding down the fort at the family candy shop... only to report in from Okinawa (mom thinks he's probably wasted his funds partying and is now calling for to get back home).

As Kei (and his blushing bride) arrive at his Parents' place mom reads him the riot act and is about to kick him out when serendipity calls and Granny offers to let him crash at her Inn while he tries for Toudai once more. Foreknowledge of her favorite and only grandson is already married is up for debate, but would be funny if she didn't know and she had set up the whole mess so he would meet up with Naru (or any of the other girls)... he WAS a very unpopular guy in High School XD
Possible Personality changes/amendments I said:
Personally, I'd believe her to be a bit of zealous/defensive/protective (with tinges of Yandere) toward women that hit on her man, maybe not violent but giving out those "you wouldn't dare tempt a married man" aura.

As for the Hina Girls... they may be somewhat interested in knowing what kind of man was able to land such a beautiful (if ditzy) wife, and is their new Manager.

Would Kitsune continue her usual quasi-ribald shenanigans to get out of paying rent?

Would Motoko rage at the "unfaithful letch"?

Would Naru wish she had a nice (if dorky) husband like Mutsumi's?

Would Shinobu wish her parents were more like the Manager and his wife?

Does Mutsumi would feel bad/guilty because she didn't gave Na-chan a proper chance at Kei-kun.

Has the young bride been helping her husband reign in his innate clumsiness? maybe, but I doubt it's completely gone.
This content is not set in stone, so feel free to rip apart, dissect, cherry pick the good stuff and discard what you don't like.

Title recommendation: Unintended
 

chronodekar

Obsessively signs his posts
Staff member
#3
And re-reading that, I can see what Antimatter meant earlier. If Naru were taken out of the equation, Keitaro would have easily fallen for Mutsumi. Hard. I would expect a similar reaction from her as well.

Alright, first things first. I want to make a small list of 'canon events' from the trip that should carry over to our fanfic. These would be,

The hotel Keitaro stayed in, 'Shinkansen'. Not sure if he should meet Mutsumi in there.
Bumping into Mutsumi and assuming her dead - may as well keep the gag running
Mutsumi distracting Keitaro with objects (sushi, watermelons, squid ..)
The 'suicide note' - might as well do a proper panty shot there too while we're at it.
Mutsumi bonding with Keitaro on how similar they are
Both of them getting drunk
A (bikini clad?) girl forcing Keitaro to strip (I have an odd fetish...)
Tama as a pet near the end

Hmmm... I had some brilliant ideas when I was taking my bath, but can't seem to remember them now. Damn.

Ok, let me try going backwards - Keitaro + Mutsumi should be married when they first arrive at the Inn and they are preparing for Toudai. That would mean they were forced out of their homes.

Hmm... it could be that they want to get into Toudai badly, but their parents won't support them for the 3rd attempt, so they left home and are on their own. As to WHY they want to enter Toudai so badly - the promise they made when they were kids (Mutsumi will be the 'promised girl' here).

That so-called 'suicide note'. Let's change things so that its real. Mutsumi was under pressure from home to enter Toudai. Actually, lets change her background. Her biological mother died, her father re-married someone and passed away some 2 years prior. Mutsumi's step-mother gave her an ultimatum - get into Toudai (via a scholarship) or get married to a man of her (step-mom's) choice. Since Melon girl failed the entrance exam and also since she doesn't want to get married to some old coot, she decides to end her life.

Our favorite ronin stumbles upon her in this 'delicate' moment. Before she jumps off the boat, he calls her name (remember her from last year) and the two decide to drown their sorrows with beer. Intoxicated, Mutsumi tells Keitaro of her plans. He first tries to stop her, but she threatens to call him a pervert (or worse!). She then makes a comment of how she can't go back home unmarried.

Keitaro proposes to her on the spot (his partially drunk too, remember?). Co-incidentally enough, there is a priest & marriage register on the boat. Instant wedding a la Vegas style! Mutsumi presents Keitaro before her step-mother, gathers her things and leaves the house (Yeah, it sounds a bit depressing, but bear with me here).

That should be enough for Mutsumi's end. Now what to do with Keitaro?

After failing for the 2nd time, in shock, Keitaro wanders off (he doesn't go home). After a day, he calls home from the hotel. His mother is happy to hear from him, but his father in a fit of anger (the wife was unhappy) orders him NOT to ever make his mother sad like that ever again. To prevent this from happening again he shouts at Keitaro NOT to expect his parents to support him a 3rd time. Keitaro shouts back telling them that he would find his own financial sources for the next year. The phone line disconnects and he goes off on his Okinawa trip to meet & marry Mutsumi.

It is on his way back after meeting Mutsumi's step-mother does Keitaro realize how much trouble he's in. He drops Mutsumi in a hotel and heads home to get his things (papers, documents ... etc). His mother on rummaging his bag, discovers the marriage certificate. Both parents are unhappy with him. But Dad was feeling remorse for shouting at Keitaro. They may be angry at him, but they still love him regardless. In an effort to still keep him nearby, they tell him to become the landlord of Granny's Inn - he earns whatever he gets, but at least he's still with family. So he moves there (Mutsumi joins him afterwards - meeting with parents happens some other time).

Now, as far as the Hinata Sou is concerned, Granny is still the landlord and its a girl's dorm. Unfortunately, the local building inspector comes by and according to regulations, Granny is too old to be a landlord. Unless she finds a replacement soon, the place will be torn down. She decides to call Keitaro's father.

He comes there (reluctantly) and initially doesn't care. Why would he want to take care of a girl's dorm when he has his own successful bakery? The girls puppy-dog eyes convinces him otherwise - with some conditions. It would no longer be a girls-only dorm. The hot springs would be mixed gender (with swimsuits) and a few other changes. All this gets formalized, the building inspector is satisfied and charge of the Inn is passed over to Keitaro's father. Granny leaves on her world-wide tour.

Now since he doesn't want to take care of the Inn, Keitaro's father pushes the responsibility off to Keitaro. It serves the dual purpose of keeping Keitaro with relatives and a way for him to earn money outside his father's roof.

While he arranges things for Keitaro to live in the Inn, he assumes that Keitaro will be rooming with Mutsumi. Melon girl arrives after he leaves. Considering the 'hasty' nature of their marriage, neither of them are very comfortable with each other - one/some of the girls thinks that Mutsumi married Keitaro for his money (or at least the Inn property).

Soon enough however, Keitaro & Mutsumi will realize that they are each others 'promised couple'. The promise something like 'get into Toudai, life a happy married life afterwards'. They might have got the order wrong, but both are still determined to get into Toudai, if nothing else than for the sake of the promise they made to each other. Chapter ends on that outlook.

Some notes - neither Keitaro nor Mutsumi are actually dumb. They are both excellent students and would have got into Toudai on their first attempt if it weren't for stupid mistakes, like not writing their name on the paper, fainting in the exam hall, or just marking the answers one row off. This opens up an interesting gag opportunity - Naru offers to teach them (she IS the best in her class), but ends up learning from them instead; to her shock.

From an older idea of mine, I'm thinking of bringing in Akio Furukawa and Sanae Furukawa as Keitaro's parents. Last name will obviously be changed.

Thoughts? Changes/suggestions?

-chronodekar
 

chronodekar

Obsessively signs his posts
Staff member
#4
@EagleCeres,

Didn't see your reply till AFTER I posted. Checking through, I think I much prefer your idea on the how/why they get married. Less grim than what I came up with.

But some changes - Mutsumi doesn't recognize Keitaro as 'the promised boy'. Her family suspects that she's trying for Toudai to get a boy but don't know who. She (shyly) doesn't tell them and they mistake him to be her study partner (Keitaro). I'll keep the part of her meeting him after the first try and staying in contact (with the combined studying).

To help 'kick start' the relationship, the Otohime family get Mutsumi & Keitaro drunk and married. Mutsumi, not wanting to cause a scandal (or whatever) keeps her mouth shut and goes off with Keitaro.

The other parts - Keitaro's parents being angry with him, Inn complications, I think I'll stick with my scenario.

Doing it this way will give us a nice WAFFY moment when the two realize they there were each others 'promised couple' - something I want to squeeze into the story.

As for the girls reactions to the new manager & his fresh wife, ... we'll probably keep that off for chapter-2.

Thoughts?

-chronodekar
 

Antimatter

Well-Known Member
#5
Only thing i'd like to suggest is keep it nice an simple. Radical changes can be interesting, but you risk turning off your potential readerbase.
I'd personally avoid any radical changes to their parents status, ie alive or dead, and have them moving out of his parents house/shop more a result of their marriage than anything. Perhaps go with the old 'Hina gives them the dorm as a wedding Gift'. After all, Keitaro may want to prove that he can indeed be independent when providing for his new family, without having to work for his parents.

I'd avoid a shotgun wedding though, but again, without Naru to interfere, he could fall for her the old fashioned way, and decide to have a long distance relationship, at least till she moves near him to 'make studying easier'.
 

chronodekar

Obsessively signs his posts
Staff member
#6
I had a ... questionable night's sleep and am having second thoughts about Mutsumi not recognizing Keitaro. It just seems too bizarre for her family to marry her off in those circumstances.

More amusing would be that she tells her family after she recognizes Keitaro - it becomes a kind of 'open secret' such that Keitaro is the only one who doesn't know. Then, when he agrees to marry her in a drunken fit, the Otohime family takes it as a golden opportunity to pair Mutsumi with her prince.

@Antimatter,

I understand where you are coming from, but its a delicate balancing act. Too much similarity and we would just be rehashing canon. I usually find those kind of stories too boring. Too much departure and we lose track of the original.

After all, Keitaro may want to prove that he can indeed be independent when providing for his new family, without having to work for his parents.
This might work. I need to brainstorm a bit on how to arrange events.

-chronodekar
 

chronodekar

Obsessively signs his posts
Staff member
#7
So here's what I've got now,

Keitaro meets up with Mutsumi during his first attempt; neither recognize each other. They become friendly during the exam (both are clumsy). Some weeks later when the results come out, he bumps into her again. She's really sad that she didn't make it. As for him - his parents didn't really expect him to get through on the first attempt and agreed to sponsor him for his second attempt. To cheer Mutsumi up, he tells her a bit about his 'promised girl'. Shocked, Mutsumi recognizes him. More determined, she goes home to study for the second attempt - he's doing it, so how can she give up? She tells her family about it and they all cheer her on.

His parents have told him that they wouldn't sponsor a third attempt, so when he fails the second time he gets really depressed. Mutsumi (who also failed) tags along, not sure what to do. Drunken shenanigans occur and with the Otohime family's 'help' the two get married (Or shall we just have them engaged at this point?).

Scene shift at this point to the Inn where Granny is still the landlord. Due to legal issues, she's too old to be the landlord and the building would be torn down. Granny calls up Keitaro's father to be the landlord instead. He comes over there with his wife initially interested in tearing down the place. The tenants beg him to reconsider and with his wife's prodding reconsiders. As far as the government is concerned, things are fine and that matter is settled.

Keitaro meets his parents at home where they read him the riot act. To teach him the meaning of the word 'responsibility' (and to shove off the problem to his shoulders), they appoint him as the landlord.

Keitaro was supposed to meet up with Granny at the Inn, but she had already left. Him and Mutsumi make a mess of an introduction with Haruka coming over to the rescue at the end.

A few days later, Keitaro talks to Mutsumi about his 'promised girl'. She tells him a few details only she would know and we have a waffy moment. Since she's next to him, Keitaro promises NOT to consummate the wedding (or if its an engagement, not to get married) till the two of them enter Toudai.

And so they start their third year as ronins at the Inn.

What do you think folks?

Hmm... think I'll 'degrade' the relationship from 'married' to 'engaged'. That gives Mutsumi a strong reason to follow Keitaro around, but to a lesser degree means that he's still technically free.

Or should it be a story where Mutsumi tires to have Keitaro deflower her in spite of the promise? Would it be too torturous for Keitaro? And can we avoid an 'adult-only' rating with that kind of theme?

-chronodekar
 

EagleCeres

Well-Known Member
#8
chronodekar said:
Keitaro meets up with Mutsumi during his first attempt; neither recognize each other. They become friendly during the exam (both are clumsy). Some weeks later when the results come out, he bumps into her again. She's really sad that she didn't make it. As for him - his parents didn't really expect him to get through on the first attempt and agreed to sponsor him for his second attempt. To cheer Mutsumi up, he tells her a bit about his 'promised girl'. Shocked, Mutsumi recognizes him. More determined, she goes home to study for the second attempt - he's doing it, so how can she give up? She tells her family about it and they all cheer her on.
Solid setup, would this be implied or properly written down as a scene in the first chapter or as part of a flashback ?

His parents have told him that they wouldn't sponsor a third attempt, so when he fails the second time he gets really depressed. Mutsumi (who also failed) tags along, not sure what to do. Drunken shenanigans occur and with the Otohime family's 'help' the two get married (Or shall we just have them engaged at this point?).
I'm feeling something between a (drunk) engagement or the equivalent of a shotgun wedding... just for the lulz!

I mean, the in Amnesiac Mutsumi Arch, he was almost hitched to Mutsumi... for realzy reals (the Okinawans love their Mutsumi and will ship her harder than her fanboys), and not just a ploy to get Naru to open up and admit her feelings (revealing Mu-chan took the same dive twice for Na-chan).

I'd see it more as Kei believing himself to be in a formal engagement, since he thinks they already did the deed... him waking up in the same bed with her snuggling him and both of them (or just Mutsumi) wearing an engagement ring...

I'm pretty sure Natsumi-san (Mutsumi's mom) would easily recognize Kei and would be very much willing to tell him about their (Kei and Mu's) childish shenanigans. Though something tells me Mutsumi is holding (herself and her family) back just enough to wait until KEI remembers her and their promise and go from there, or for him to decide "fsck the promise, I love Mutsumi!".

Scene shift at this point to the Inn where Granny is still the landlord. Due to legal issues, she's too old to be the landlord and the building would be torn down. Granny calls up Keitaro's father to be the landlord instead. He comes over there with his wife initially interested in tearing down the place. The tenants beg him to reconsider and with his wife's prodding reconsiders. As far as the government is concerned, things are fine and that matter is settled.
Not so sure on this part... I'd recommend Granny shoehorning/pushing/demanding for Kei to be the one to inherit directly (Granny wants some world trotting and onsen hunting!), pressing on his parents to get him to appear at the Hinata Sou post haste... but since he's been lost for the past few weeks, mom or dad have had to take up the responsibility in the meanwhile.

Keitaro meets his parents at home where they read him the riot act. To teach him the meaning of the word 'responsibility' (and to shove off the problem to his shoulders), they appoint him as the landlord.

Keitaro was supposed to meet up with Granny at the Inn, but she had already left. Him and Mutsumi make a mess of an introduction with Haruka coming over to the rescue at the end.
This feels par for the course and as close to canon as possible... considering he's arriving with his fianceé/quasi-waifu in tow :p

A few days later, Keitaro talks to Mutsumi about his 'promised girl'. She tells him a few details only she would know and we have a waffy moment. Since she's next to him, Keitaro promises NOT to consummate the wedding (or if its an engagement, not to get married) till the two of them enter Toudai.
HAHA! this leaves enough room for the Hina Girls to get close/comfy/respect the new manager (since he's not demanding smex from his fiancée, that has got to earn him massive brownie points from all of the Hina Girls)... but also allows Mutsumi to fight for her man and not just take a dive.

Would she admit to the promise(s) or keep it(them) to herself just to give Naru (and/or the other girls) a sporting chance at Kei?

We all know She only wants to make him happy (tho would prefer her being the reason for his happiness), she wouldn't c-block him if he fell for someone else, but she wouldn't just roll over and give him up either (not this time around!).
 
#9
I like Kei/Mu and so I will be watching this.
 

chronodekar

Obsessively signs his posts
Staff member
#10
More to tell people (and myself) that I'm still working on this idea.

I need help with the following flashback. Basically, Mutsumi is day-dreaming and this pops into her head. The problem I've got is that the scene is when Keitaro & her were kids - which means they won't be able to talk well.

So, I butchered the dialogs. My concern is if I did too good a job of it. Is the following understandable? (Suggestions are appreciated)

------------------------
Flashback

“I gotto go tomurrow,” said the girl.
“Do u hafta?” pleaded the boy
“I hafta.”
“But I wanna pway with u some moor!”
“Hink we haf time fur one moor game.”
“Hmm…” pondered the small boy bringing his right hand under his chin. The girl was fun and he liked her company. He really wanted to keep playing with her, but they couldn’t disobey the grown-ups.
Idly combing her light brown hair, the girl watched the boy snap his fingers; as if he just figured out something. She wanted to ask him what he figured out, but her fingers got stuck in her hair. After watching her struggle a bit, the boy came and helped free her hands.
“Let’s pway Liddo and Prof … Pro,” he said while struggling to say the last word, “… fess … ur?”
“Ow do we pway that?”
“U bwe the pro … pro …” said the boy pointing to her while he struggled with his tongue.
“I’ll bwe Sur-tan!” exclaimed the girl raising both her fists.
“Sur-tan?”
“Easier to say, iisn’t it?” suggested the girl, “And you bwe … Li … Liii … Do-kun!”
“Do-kun?”
Instead of answering, she folded her arms over her pink overalls while nodding.
The two of them continued to play for some time before falling into a small sandbox. Distracted by the sand, they made a sand castle. Or something that they considered to be a sand castle. It looked more like a sand mountain with a hole dug into one side than anything else.
“And dis,” announced the boy with a pose, “ish our castle!”
“It ooks nisee, Do-kun,” replied the girl. For no reason they continued to use the play-names they selected earlier.
“Gwad u lik it, Sur-tan.”
An expression of melancholy came over the girl’s face.
“I wiish vee culd live in a castle lik this fureveer.”
“Y doon’t wee?” suggested the boy quirking an eyebrow, “Sonds nisee to me.”
“Only gwon-ops kan live tugether,” replied the sad girl, “wee are just kiids.”
“Twen lets meet after vee are gwon-ops!”
“But you vuld find new fwends by twen…”
The boy scratched his gray trousers as he considered the situation.
“I know!” he exclaimed, “leats meet up in Toudai!”
“Toudai?”
“Couzin Haruka tuld me all abut it,” explained the boy, “if two fwends become studants in Toudai, thay’ll steck togethur and be hwappy for the rest of thuir lives.”
“Sunds niice…” considered the girl.
“Ain’t it?”
“Alright!” exclaimed the girl grabbing the boy’s right hand, “Pinky sweer!”
The two of them held each other by their right pinky fingers and simultaneously promised,
“Wa’ll anter Toudai and liive huppily twogether furever and uver!”
------------------------

-chronodekar
 

crazyfoxdemon

Well-Known Member
#11
That is way too fucking cute....

I must have more.
 

EagleCeres

Well-Known Member
#12
Very cute intro, although I get the feeling it needs a little work and massaging so it doesn't read like a script.
 
#13
The "kiddy talk" needs to be cleaned up for consistency in how the sounds are being represented. But I agree, this was very cute... almost unbearably cute.
 

chronodekar

Obsessively signs his posts
Staff member
#14
Wow. I did something right. :blush:

No, this isn't the intro. Like I said, its a flashback somewhere near the point when Mutsumi gets introduced in the story.

Again: Suggestions on HOW to fix it are appreciated. Vague words of 'needs fixing' don't tell me much. :dodgy:

Overall, I'm happy that you all could read and understand the dialog.

-chronodekar
 
#15
You have "pway" as a substitute for "play" twice early on. Therefore you should put W in place of L whenever it follows a P or maybe any consonant. Go through what you wrote, tally all the ways you altered pronunciation, and apply them in every case. This isn't science; it's just making all the arbitrary changes fit together. I don't want to point out all the possibilities because, one, that's too much of a headache, and two, it's your work. You're the one deciding how they pronounce/mispronounce words.
 

chronodekar

Obsessively signs his posts
Staff member
#16
nuclear death frog said:
Go through what you wrote, tally all the ways you altered pronunciation, and apply them in every case. This isn't science; it's just making all the arbitrary changes fit together.
This ... actually makes sense. Frankly, when I first typed the entire thing, all the dialog was word-perfect. Then, I jumped in and purposefully started mi-spelling different stuff.

A case of missing the obvious, I guess.

-chronodekar
 

Antimatter

Well-Known Member
#17
nuclear death frog said:
The "kiddy talk" needs to be cleaned up for consistency in how the sounds are being represented. But I agree, this was very cute... almost unbearably cute.
Needs more Waaagh.
 

Mu-sensei

Well-Known Member
#18
That ^ Is diabetes-inducingly cute.

Hmm, let me add a few ideas for later...

"Man, you're evil." Shirai pointed out.

"How so? I set him up with the most beautiful girl ever, gave them a reason to not ditch each other in the morning and heck, I even paid for the room!" Haitani complained loudly than he should that lat at night.

"You’re still evil. You only did that because she wasn't interested in you in the least, and you wanted to have a laugh at Keitaro's fortune."

"I still paid for the room. I’m the best bro ever." the taller of the two pointed out.

"You're drunk, so it doesn't count as selflessness, just waste of money."

"That still doesn't explain how the hell I'm evil for setting him up with a beauty."

"Two words: Promise Girl."

"Bah, he should have forgotten that impossible promise years ago."

...Next Morning...

Keitaro moaned his hangover on the most comfortable pillow he ever slept in, that is, until said pillow not only embraced him, but also moaned back in response. His eyes widened and he tried to shot up, only managing to get another moan from his sleepy bed companion, while his (admittedly slow) brain started going into overdrive.

'Ok, think: you flunked the exam, and decided to hang with Haitani and Shirai and get smashed (ok, you were dragged along, but still) as per Haitani's suggestion. Next thing you know, you're in the arms of a very naked (well she still has underwear on) lady in some hotel room.

The girl, Mutsumi his brain supplied, moved again, and pressed him further into the heavenly valley of her not inconsiderable cleavage, as memories decided to return to the first time : a few rounds of drinks, a sunny smile, a slight mishap (of her part!)... laughs, coincidences, a marriage and a (very heated) makeo- MARRIAGE!?

His bedmate decided to take offense at his inquietude, and sat up, just as he did the same. "Gorgeous" was his first reaction at her appearance. He had heard funny stories of drunk men going to sleep with a beautiful princess and waking to see witch at their side, and he feared that was the case, but, but...

She was perfect. Heart shaped face, doe eyes, pouty lips, creamy skin... His gaze wandered lower... Wow.

"Kei-kun?" he froze. 'she must be thinking I’m a pervert now...' To his surprise, she instead gave him a contented smile, and a peck on his lips. His heart nearly burst from his chest, even more so when hers strained her bra when she stretched, or when she got up to pick her clothing, completely unabashed at her state of near undress. He took advantage when she turned to make a mad dash to the bathroom, somehow keeping the presence of mind to grab his pants, when his cellphone rang loudly, making him nearly jump out of his skin. Fumbling with is half-way up pants, he picked up in time to see his mom or dad hang up on the other side.
Of course the above leads Keitaro to meet Mutsumi a full year before he goes to Hinata-sou. Haitani gets both of them drunk and married (not for real, but they THINK SO), and they disappear for a whole day (waking up late in the afternoon), which leads to a few missed calls from Keitaro’s parents. Mutsumi doesn’t mind the marriage in the least, because she recognized Kei from their first morning (perhaps having the dream sequence from above), but Kei is slightly surprised at her acceptance, thinking along the lines that she is too good for him. She needs to go to Okinawa (obviously), to inform her family, and her hubby going is a must. After a wacky trip, and an even wackier meet the parents, they ended discovering the marriage was nothing but a misunderstanding. BUT, Kei had already compromised to let her stay at his house for the study year, and his parents like her… So he ends accepting the agreement once it was clear they’re both happy with rooming together. They don’t marry for real though, just promise they would do so when they are accepted in Toudai. In fact they both agree not to consummate their ‘marriage’, even if they grow fonder and closer over time.

Mustumi and Kanako share a curious relationship, as Keitaro’s sister is the first girl to find the busty girl’s ambiguously bi tendencies (that are implied rather heavily in canon.), and decide to try and convince the girl to sharing relationship (said Okinawan doesn’t agree nor deny). Hina does prevent it from actually happening, by taking Kanako with her, but not before the girl gets the couple used to bath together (with her in toll).

They both fail again, obviously. That leads to a serious argument on the Urashima residence: “You have been accepted in two of the other universities! You even have a cute wife! Forget Toudai and go on with your life already!” And Kei leaving his house for the Hinata dorms as his Canon counterpart. He is a bit more used to Girls, and slightly more confident in dealing with them, but still clumsy and good natured.

Of course this leads to a slightly different first meeting with the Hinata-sou:

“Soo, do you think my breasts have grown bigger?”

“Ara?” Mutsumi grope the blind girl from behind, “mmhn” and start fondling her right in front of her ‘husband’. He couldn’t help but stare at the oncoming trainwreck in front of him.

The auburn haired girl managed to pry herself off the brunette, and picked a thick pair of glasses to look at said girl, who just waved happily. “Hi, I’m Mutsumi. This is Kei.” Said boy was nose deep in water trying to disappear or make himself invisible (a very difficult feat considering his almost fluorescent blush).

“New residents? I’m Narusegawa Naru. Pleased to meet y- No, back there a bit, what makes you think you can go and grope me out of the blue?”

“To be fair, you did ask us to check.” Keitaro spoke for the first time on the conversation. “I think they’re fine, but Muu-chan’s are better.” Naru froze.

“…What?” the Urashima heir put his glasses. “It my hones-”

“P-P-PERVERTS!”

Keitaro nearly dragged his girlfriend from there, only to bash into a blonde woman on the changing room, but still managing a last time recovery. “What did I said about copying Kanako’s bathing habits?!” Of course Mustumi forgot other people were NOT okay with her touch-feely-kissy tendencies, it was well known between his circle of friends that the two of them were the living proof that Murphy was right: If something was to go wrong, it was bound to happen in the worst possible time.

“Don’t let them escape!” The red haired, fire spewing girl was hot on their heels, and he made a sharp turn grabbing his Okinawan beauty by the waist to prevent her fall, as they tried to hide putting their backs against the wall. As blonde and red-head passed them without turning, the boy let a sigh of relief and relaxed against his girlfriend, only them noticing their state of undress.

“Whadd happen to yer clothes?” A dark skinned blonde asked from their right and instead of tensing Keitaro just deflated. ‘Figures.’ Instead of arguing or trying to defend himself he just ran, pulling his girlfriend with him.

“There! He’s here! Get him Su!” The commotion seemed to attract the other girls they had managed to escape once more, and the chase was on.

“Hiyaa!” Luckily, they managed another sharp turn before a rocket sped past them to explode on a dead end corridor. Unfortunately, that meant they were herded to a dead end on the upper deck veranda, between a two-story fall and they three captors: One very pissed red-head, one blonde smiling foxily, and a heavily armed foreigner.

Keitaro tried to beg for their lives when Mutsumi swayed, “Ara, I think I’m goi-” Thankfully he managed to get a hold of her before she hit the deck, sadly he made so by her most noticeably body features.

“What hell happ- Keitaro?” Said Urashima’s eyes met his aunt, and her eyes wandered to their present state. “Didn’t know you were into that stuff.”

…

“…And granny called me here, so I came. Since no one appeared for a while and we were sweaty from the trip, we decided to hit the baths. She arrived and things descended into violence.” The boy finished his explanation.

“Things happened?! Things happened!?! You looked at me naked! Your girlfriend grabbed my breasts! You flashed everyone here, and grabbed your wife in full view of a minor!!” The redheaded fury grabbed him by his collar.

“To be fair, I thought the bath was mixed, you flashed us first, and you did ask for our opinion.” He frowned. “And I didn’t mean to grab her by her breasts, I was just worried Mutsumi could hit her head or fall from the roof.” He pushed his glasses up embarrassed.

“What were you thinking getting in the bath with a girl!?”

Mutsumi simply looked curiously. “I always bath with Kei-kun. What is the problem?” Of course that led to quite a few surprised looks.

“Public flashing is a crime!” The girl released her hold, but not her glare. “And voyeurism too!”

“Not if it’s consensual. Murder attempt on the other hand…” The boy glared back, pushing his glasses up for emphasis.

“We didn’t try to kill you! And even if we did, you deserved it.” The girl was taken aback by his annoyance, but pushed forward fearlessly. ‘I’ll show that pervert.’

“You guys shot me with a rocket.” He said exasperated.

“Ara, isn’t violence still illegal even if the target deserves? It’s called vigilantism, I think.” The Okinawan interrupted further protests, delivering a pinpoint strike with the most calm and angelic expression in the world.

Everyone froze at that declaration, and Haruka looked at the smiling girl. “What? I was going for law before I switched for Fine Arts.”

“Sometimes I forgot you two got into Toudai. You must be a second year now, right?” The tea-house manager nodded to herself as all the other girls were looking at Keitaro and Mutsumi with stunned expressions.
The canon misunderstanding of thinking Keitaro is a Toudai student happens, and on top of that they think Kei and Mutsumi are husband and wife. Keitaro, now that he have more contact with girls, is not really impressed at Naru. In fact they both tsun-tsun at each other with surprisingly regularity, trading snarks and barbed remarks (“Why would I try something with you when I have a girlfriend?” “With her of all people? Nah, I’m not suicidal.” “Me and the idiot? No way in hell.” “Get better grades before you mess with someone else’s studies, pervert-kun.”), and much to Mutsumi (who also recognize her other childhood friend, though a little later) dismay, Naru is very wary of her.

While I do prefer the manga approach to most events, I’m going with Anime for the initial meeting (Motoko is on a road trip, Shinobu is not a resident yet), and instead of Keitaro bumping on Motoko alone when she comes back, said girl bumps into Kei and Muu-chan making out in the roof, which leads to a terrible first impression. To make things worse, Motoko thinks Keitaro was molesting the girl, as she faints in the kendoka’s arm. The girl then kisses Motoko as she awake again (thinking she was in the arms of Keitaro once more).

Motoko was NOT amused.

The general consensus of the inn (as Manager and ‘wife’ are surprisingly ‘open’ in their relationship despite sharing a room and bed) is that they’re both perverts. Even with their admittance to abstinence from more than (very heated) make-outs, the situation doesn’t improve much.

Keitaro would also try to set up Kitsune and the other girls (at first) with Haitani/Shirai a few times, much too said girl’s dismay/ire.
Sometime later, on the next exam, both fail again, Kei thinks Mutsumi passed her exam, and he doesn’t. A freak out later, he runs away to Kyoto (without telling Mutsumi) bumping into Naru as in canon, and flirting at each other, Keitaro more boldly and forced as canon, trying (and failing miserably) to get over Mutsumi at first. They get their glasses back, and things escalate even more at night, with the canon bath hijinks, and when he discovers he just can’t sleep alone after so long with Mutsumi at his side. Naru takes pity on him, after he explains the situation, and they sleep together in the innocent sense, and Dere-Dere at each other for the first time (It was usually unilateral and not reciprocated before), and have a date during the day. Feeling both happy and guilty from spending time with Naru, they are found by Hinata-sou’s crew and Kei firmly expects Mutsumi to be sad or mad at him for being unfaithful. Instead she is radiantly happy because they’re ‘getting along so nicely’ and Kisses both (yes, Naru too) as thanks.

She still wants Kei as boyfriend, only allows and even encourages Kei-Naru (Kei-Shinobu and Kei-Motoko too, once the latter is acting less violent against her boyfriend) relationship as her canon counterpart does because of her good heart. She is decided to support Kei’s decision no matter what that decision is, but unlike her canon self, she actively pursuits him, no holds barred. She even hints that if Kei doesn’t choose her and Naru she would date the girl during the times the boy gets closer to Motoko (such as the Burning Blade arc). Of course, being Mutsumi, she isn’t clear and that leads to Keitaro being quite uncertain and guilty everytime he ends up in some intimate situation with one of his tenants.
 

chronodekar

Obsessively signs his posts
Staff member
#19
That is one heck of an idea! In fact, I think it deserves to be written as an independent story - consider copy-pasting it in our LH idea thread.

As for the 'drunken marriage' suggestion, its giving me ideas on my other stories.

Honestly; you should make an attempt at writing a full story. You've got talent. All you need is the drive and dedication.

As for my own situation, I've finally got a job and will be settling into over the next week or two. Should have some story-writing time after that. :)

-chronodekar
 
#20
The drunken marriage scam is unnecessary.

The scene in the baths, though, is hilarious. Keitaro telling Naru that she asked them for their opinions... I am giggling still. It is quite funny.
 

Mu-sensei

Well-Known Member
#21
That is one heck of an idea! In fact, I think it deserves to be written as an independent story - consider copy-pasting it in our LH idea thread.
Maybe, though I'd mix it up with the Sexy Hina idea, so it'd be on the other forum...

As for the 'drunken marriage' suggestion, its giving me ideas on my other stories.
Feel free to use any ideas I post, here or otherwise.

Honestly; you should make an attempt at writing a full story. You've got talent. All you need is the drive and dedication.
Me? :unsure:

*blushes brightly* thank you. Perhaps I'll give it a try.
 
Top