"You Asshole" Moments


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crazyfoxdemon said:
Satori said:
What level was the party?? If you had a Wizard and Cleric with the right 4th level spells that should have been roughly doable, if very tedious.

If the party was level 11+ and had at least one tier 1 or 2 caster that shouldn't even have been a challenge.
I don't know about you... But that could be a REAL danger... a rush attack pls that 20d6 dmg.... it could take down even a decent party..
WTF is a rush attack?

And really, 20d6 isn't that much. I made a character who could throw out 20d6 a round (if all 4 attacks hit) at a range of up to 30 ft by level 9. He wasn't even all that powerful a character.

A purely melee enemy can be neutralized for several rounds with the simple application of a Solid Fog spell. D&D runs on "Linear Warriors, Quadratic wizards."

At levels 11+, the only truly threatening monsters are the ones that can cast Spells or SLA's.


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We had a Dresden Files campaign this summer. I was playing the token Vanilla Mortal in the party (Marine Sergeant come home from the Sandbox to get a college degree, someone wants him to be an ossifer).

So one day the group was split up running errands when the GM starts calling for Perception checks, and we each start noticing we're being followed. Having recently ticked off some mobsters, we figure that's who's behind it, and I go to pick up a friend who's phoned for help.

She's at this little hole-in-the-wall sex-toy shop that she'd ducked into to avoid pursuit, and there's two groups out in the parking lot waiting for her...

So I screech into the parking lot, haul up to the shop, pop the door, and in she climbs, and out we zoom past the would-be thugs.

That isn't the GOOD part, though.

What happened after that, when they piled into their cars and started chasing us, was.

I'd recently been rewatching season one of Burn Notice - which, by the way, is an absolute MUST-SEE for anyone wanting to understand the FATE system - and there was an ep where Michael Weston gives one of his trademark monologues about how to ditch a tail.

It boils down to drive like a moron. So I decide to embellish on this, phone up our techie, and ask for a route that takes me past every police station in a five-mile radius. And go trolling for cops.

What better way to ditch a tail, I ask you, than to get pulled over for a lecture and a traffic ticket?

Which I sort of manage to accomplish. One of the tail cars notices what I'm doing and breaks off, having no interest in actually getting pulled over himself.

The other does get pulled over. Which is where it gets hairy, as the car turns out to be full of trolls armed with SMGs, who promptly turn one of the cops into a splatter on the pavement.

At this point I have no interest at all in letting any more of the boys in blue go down that way, so I spin around and head back in their direction, fishing out the shotgun I keep under the seat. We zoom in, rescue the other cop, and provide covering fire, and things degenerate into a rather major firefight that fortunately manages not to get any more cops killed.

It later turned out that the guy I rescued was the son of a police Captain who was in charge of the rather ill-defined "special circumstances" unit, so we earned a valuable contact that day.

We still remember it simply as "the day we went trolling for cops", though.


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I ran my players through this.

Each square represents a 15x15ft square.
Just for flavor, my current D&D character is a pacifistic, lv6 LE Necromancer.

In a recent campaign, my combat focused companions were making quick work of our enemies, while I was resurrecting them all post combat.

Everyone was bitching me out about this, especially the paladin. This was ongoing throughout most of the dungeon.

Eventually, we get to the boss, a lv. 8 barbarian/ lv. 4 thief, with about 4 lv. 4 minions.

When it comes time for combat, we all roll initiative. Natural 20.

My first combat action: "Army of the dead: kill them!" pointing at the barbarian.

About 5-7 mixture of human and elf zombies attack. As the enemies fall, I bring them back to life and have them attack as well.

After combat is over, the barbarian, his minions and my army are dead. I call dibs on looting, and when the paladin complains, is simply tell him one thing: "You're welcome."


Knower of Stuff
D&D 3.5 Story
Been a while sense anyone has posted here but here's my story. But to tell the story properly, you must understand the world that this is set in.

Around two thousand years ago the Gods came to an agreement, they would take up a "Mortal" form on the prime material plane, thus limiting their power, so that the war that they've been fighting against each other wouldn't destroy all of creation. Little did they know that this was a ruse by the new God of Technology which in turn was created by an evil necromancer who took over the Nine Hells with the intent to access the Forge of the Gods and remake all of creation in his image. (Pre-First campaign in this world.)

(During the first campaign of the world, I wasn't there for this.) One of the players was granted an audience with Vecna and through a series of events usurped the mantle of 'God of Secrets and Lies' from Vecna. From here he became a being known as the Oni, a true neutral God who didn't care about power, only hoarding the secrets.

(Start of second to last campaign of this world.) I join the party as a Ninja in service to the Oni. Through a series of Sehon (My Character Name) granting the Oni massive amounts of knowledge (while at the same time learning his greatest secret,) we became best friends eventually leading Sehon to become the main God of Death.

Cut to the last session of this campaign where the party is at the Forge of the Gods where the big bad guy is getting ready to remake the world, I crit pass a damn Persuasion check to have the Necromancer's main ally kill him ending the fight before it even began. Then I notice the Deck of Many Things (in this world there is only one and is all powerful) and ask the Oni, the god of Secrets and Lies, what is the secret of the Wish Card? Because I spent all this time befriending the god that knows all Secrets, he told me that it's always the thirteenth card from the top. I then draw it and get two wishes.

By using the Secret of the Wish card, I asked the DM if I had any leeway on these wishes. He said that with the Secret, the wish would follow my INTENT.

My first wish:
I basically wish for all the damage that the Necro caused during the course of the campaign to be undone (which was over the course of one hundred years,) while at the same time allowing Sehon to remain the God of Death.

My second wish:
That the Necro would be forever tortured in my realm of the dead with no chance of escape or influencing others.

I messed up my DM's plans so bad that he later told me that he had to quit DMing for a while because he had two campaigns ready to go, but they were based on the events that I had erased due to my wish.

And that is one of the reasons why I'm no longer allowed to use wish spells. The second reason I'm not allowed to use wish spells is a story for another day.

I hope you enjoyed reading this!


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I messed up my DM's plans so bad that he later told me that he had to quit DMing for a while because he had two campaigns ready to go, but they were based on the events that I had erased due to my wish.
Sounds like a typical day in the life of a Quest Master on Spacebattles. Either the RNG nukes the campaign through crit numbers or the SB players collectively fail so hard in their player decisions that the entire plotline simply passes them by without them influencing anything.


Knower of Stuff
I forgot to mention in my above post but the first campaign was inspired by Arcanum: Of Steamworks and Magick Obscura (an isometric RPG from 2001) and the latest setting was set in a modern world D&D equivalent.


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That time a player in my game managed to turn himself into a Beholder at lvl 5, and I detailed to him exactly how I was going to put a leash on him so it wouldn't ruin the campaign.

It basically boiled down to: he's still an idiot and being a Beholder didn't make him smarter, and just because he's a beholder doesn't mean he's good at being one. He was a low intelligence halfling bard prior to being transformed. It was a "the next creature you touch, you become that species permanently" curse.

The table was experienced players that weren't murderhobos, so I made an encounter they weren't supposed to fight their way through with a Beholder they were way too underleveled to deal with. Basically, as long as no one attacked it, it would remain defensive and irritated with them, but not kill them and would just let them go.

Idiot bard shook one of its eye stalks as the party parted ways with it. It was about that point that I realized that he had never come in contact with anything else, including the other party members. This was three sessions later, so pretty much everyone had forgotten about the curse.

I put tiered restrictions on his ability to use his stalks, made him roll when he used most of them to determine if he hit his target, a member of the party, or himself. [I did give him the ability to use the telekenisis stalk without penalty.]

I also laid out that he couldn't use weapons, armor, or anything but rings and a cape.

The player also had to roll when interacting with certain objects to determine if he injured one of his eyes when doing things. Levers, buttons, things like that. It was never serious damage, but could stun them and put them in a pain state for a turn. I basically likened it to getting hit in the balls.

I also made his anti-magic cone permanently on, because that was a bigger irritant for the party, and thus funnier. He could disable it, but had to pass a concentration check to do so.

The party also had to hide him in towns, and he couldn't interact with most NPCs.

Plus, I enforced the downside of being a beholder, as he had to make checks for his sanity due to the natural paranoia the creatures have.

I also forced a wisdom check on the use of eye stalks outside of combat to determine if they used the correct one or not. For example, if they intended to use charm and failed the check, they might use fear instead, or disintegrate if they rolled a critical failure.

None of these checks were hard to pass, but they did keep the use of some of the more powerful eye stalks down.

It was fun watching him get that "you asshole" look when I explained how I was going to keep him from breaking the campaign by being a fully powered challenge rating 13 monster in what was currently a lvl 5 campaign.

Of course, over time I ungated a lot of these restrictions as the party leveled up, and occasionally to keep the game flow going without a ton of rolls. I would thrown one in every once and a while to keep the player on their toes, but after lvl 12 I let them play as a fully functional beholder without extra rolls. They still had to be an idiot though, as leveling up doesn't fix stupid.

I also did a little altering of the campaign after it happened to make use of a beholder's natural ability to understand common, deepspeech, and undercommon.
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Knower of Stuff
So I'm DM'ing for two new players and one witnessed a man being dragged into an abandoned building. The other was at the police station where my Party NPC (he's the groups fighter seeing as the players rolled up spellcasters) works.
So Wilaver, a Gnome Bard, decides after seeing this go down, wants to break down the door. He has no spells to help with this so he decides to try and punch it open, naturally. He rolls a 1.
Because I'm not a forgiving DM, Wilaver breaks his hand and is therefore unable to play his guitar. After Tom (Gnome Wizard and PC) and Arthur (Human Fighter and NPC) arrive, the two gnomes go to the local hospital and Arthur breaks down the door and goes inside, missing the opportunity to meet the antagonist of this arc.