Arrangement

SMWhat

Well-Known Member
#1
"Hi, my name's Keitaro Urashima. What's yours?"

~~~

"How much older is he than..."

"Hm, about four, five years, I think."

"That isn't too much, is it?"

"Now, I've seen an arranged marriage where the husband was a full ten years older than his wife. This isn't too bad, considering..."

"But you don't think this is a bit suspicious? I mean, these people suddenly showing up, wanting to do all this, just because our son--I mean, is it true, what they say about him? And you?"

"Well, my grandfather did tell me once that this sort of thing happened with anyone who had a bit of our blood in them. Of course, you know, I didn't believe him. But now, after she said what she's said, it can't be a coincidence, can it?"

"I don't know..."

"Look, it's not like everything's going to happen today, right? They'll grow up more or less together, and if they decide they don't want to go on with the arrangement, they won't have to."

"That's true, isn't it? And it is a pretty nice arrangement--they're all nice people, too, aren't they?"


~~~

"You mean--what do you mean, I have--"

"Look, you won't even try to go for Tokyo University until you're, what, seventeen or so? You made this promise when you were four, right? That's thirteen years. A lot can happen in thirteen years."

"I know, but--"

"I mean, if you knew who it was, I might understand. But you don't even know that! For all you know, she's already forgotten--she was younger than you at the time, right?"

"Yeah..."

"Yeah. Yeah. Look, I'm sorry, but...you've got to face reality. You've got to know when to chase your dreams, and when to follow the paths that've been beaten out already, you know?"

"I know. But..."

"I'm listening."

"If--if I'm really going to end up marrying her--"

"You don't even know that--when you both grow up, you can call it off, remember."

"I know, but if I do end up marrying her, I should probably get a good job to support her, right? And if I want to get a good job, I should probably go to Tokyo University! Right?"

"Just...just as long as you aren't trying to get in to follow that girl you don't know, alright?"

"Where is she, anyway? I mean, she stopped coming over a little while ago, right?"

"Oh, don't worry. We've got a couple relatives of ours checking on them every few months."


~~~

"Look, this is the second time you've failed the exam!"

"I know--I mean, I know, but I know--I think I can get in, if I try again--I mean--"

"Look, you could probably get into a less prestigious school if you tried, couldn't you? Why don't you do that?"

"But--but--I have to get to Tokyo U! I have to keep my prom--I mean, for the marriage--I mean--"

"You...still won't give up on that, will you? No, no, don't answer that. Look...we've talked this over, and...this is going to hurt us as much as you okay? But we really can't support you forever."

"You're...kicking me out, aren't you?"

"It's time for you to learn to live on your own. If you still want to try for Tokyo University, you may--but not while you're living here. Either give up this dream of Tokyo University, or move out. Do you understand?"

"I understand."

"I'm sorry. I'm going to miss you, you know. We all will."

"How did you know what I was going to--"

"Oh, come now. It's you, after all. It was obvious to both of us which choice you were going to pick even as we talked about it. I'll lend you a bit of money to get you started, but after that, you're on your own."

"I'll...miss you too."

"Head to your grandmother's inn, okay? I'm sure she'll let you stay there."


~~~

"Aaahh! Someone help!"

"Aaack!" screamed one Keitaro Urashima, desperately wrapping a towel around the lower half of his body and leaping out of the hot spring.

"I went into the girls' bath by mistake?" he said to himself as he ran down the nearby pathway, away from the girl. "This is so bad!" He opened a door and barrelled through it, not noticing that he was about to run straight into another girl's breast until it was too late to stop. "I-I'm sorry!"

"Kitsune, that's the pervert!" he heard the first girl yell behind him. "Catch him!"

Keitaro resumed his fleeing, barely noticing as he upset the laundry basket another girl was carrying ("What's going on?"), flushing embarrassingly as he accidentally flashed yet another girl ("Eeeeek!"), when suddenly--

Dead end.

"Oh, no." whimpered Keitaro, looking over the end of the railing. "I knew I shouldn't have taken those stairs." He turned around, just in time to see the girls he had encountered come up the stairs themselves.

There was that first girl, the one who had mistaken him for...someone else. By her side, there was the girl who he had...seen him. There was that girl he'd literally run into on his way out of the hot springs, and near her stood the foreign-looking kid who'd had the basket of clothes. And there was--

Keitaro gasped, bring a hand up to his mouth in shock. "Mo-chan?"

A katana clattered to the floor, as its owner had the same reaction. "Kei-kun?"
 

runestar

Well-Known Member
#2
Nice start(both the story and Keitaro's way of introducing himself, even if it was canon). B) Can't wait to see Motoko's reaction...
 

Terdwilicker

Well-Known Member
#3
BRAVO!

I really like the writing style you're using. The pacing is fast and light on detail, but it works really well. The dialogue reminds me of the Algonquin Round Table (which if you're not a history buff is how they talk on Gilmore Girls (dialogue is the only reason to watch/listen to it)). The ART was where they invented the Roast, and defined New York sarcasm and snarkiness. ;P Anyway, it works. Please write more in the same style. You could possibly have some ground breaking work in this approach.
 

SMWhat

Well-Known Member
#4
What, you mean the part in italics? Because I don't know what you're talking about. At all. Or what makes the italics so special.
 

Terdwilicker

Well-Known Member
#5
I'm talking about your dialogue. Its fast and witty, written correctly. That makes it read more like a real conversation and saves on long paragraphs of extemporization. This is a good thing.
 

EagleCeres

Well-Known Member
#6
oooh... very very good start to the story

Kei still trying for TouDai for his promise girl, and secondly for his 'affianced' XD

I wonder how itchy on the trigger finger Motoko will be, considering she might know (first hand) about his inherent clumsyness.

hope to read more soon!
 

alansg

Well-Known Member
#7
I like where this is going.

Actually, I think I know where this is going.

Since this is only the prologe, I suppose the next chapter is going to be longer. Please continue it. It have a lot of potential.
 

SMWhat

Well-Known Member
#8
"I dunno why we gotta go somewhere just because I fell out of a w--"

"Keitaro, be nice."

"We're not sure either, though."

"Are you sure it didn't say anything in the letter?"

"Dear, you saw the letter too. You know it didn't say anything."

"I know, but did you see anything I missed, or something like..."

"Sorry, dear."

"Not your fault. You don't think that girl's family wanted..."

"Wanted..."

"I don't know. Payment? A reward, or something? Do we have enough money, if they ask for that?"

"I don't think they'd ask for something like that. The girl did say that she didn't...you know."

"I know. I'm just picking at straws here. But still, this whole thing has been weird."


~~~

"Why are you here?"

"Um, I don't really know...I mean, my parents just brought me here. Hey, why're you wearing that dress?"

"It's not a dress! It's a gi! Don't you practice martial arts?"

"Um...no. I'm sorry."

"Everyone who comes here practices martial arts. Are you sure you don't?"

"I don't think so. Maybe mom and dad want me to be taught or something."

"Hmph. Maybe."

"But...if my parents make me practice martial arts, does that mean I have to wear a dress like yours?"

"I said, it's NOT A DRESS! It's a GI!"

"Ow, ow, ow! Stop--stop hitting me with that stick! Ow!"

"It's a BOKKEN!"

"Ow!"


~~~

Daaaaad, do we have to come here again?"

"Keitaro, didn't you make any new friends while you were here?"

"No, but there was this one girl..."

"See, he's already met--"

"Dear, shhhh. Was she nice?"

"Well...sorta...."

"Sort of?"

"Yeah. She hit me."

"What?"

"She hit you?"

"With a really thick stick."

"A thick--"

"Dear, maybe we should call this off. Dear--are you listening to me?"

"Keitaro, could you point to where she hit you?"

"Um...right here, on my arm."

"Dear!"

"Hold on a second. Right here?"

"Yeah, but it's okay. It doesn't hurt or anything."

"That's..."

"What, what do you see?"

"Nothing. Which means that what she said might have something to it after all. When we get home, I'm going to need to call my sister."


~~~

Stunned silence is not an uncommon reaction at the Hinata House, but never before had it been so loud, or so long, for that matter.

Both Keitaro and Motoko stood nervously, their faces red with embarrassment.

"You...know this pervert?" Naru asked quietly, disbelief plain on her face.

Su was the next to recover. "Hey, Motoko--is this your booooyfriend?"

Keitaro and Motoko's faces reddened even further. "Yes--" Motoko blurted out. "I mean--"

"No!" corrected Keitaro. "well, actually yes, but--"

Motoko cut in. "What he means is 'sort of'."

"Kind of." Keitaro agreed.

"Somewhat."

"In a way."

"It was arranged." the agitated pair clarified simultaneously, their faces reaching a shade of red usually found only on certain kinds of tomatoes.

All in all, it was a pretty good moment for Keitaro's aunt to appear, herd the girls away from Keitaro so that he could change, and set up a meeting in the lobby.

---

"What?" shouted Naru, spitting mad. "You mean you're ENGAGED to this pervert?"

"It was decided by our parents some years ago." Motoko explained, seating next to Keitaro on the couch. "We can break it up, if we wish--once we're both...how old did they agree on?"

Keitaro scratched the back of his head, squinting over his glasses at the ceiling. "I'm not sure, actually. I...haven't thought about the whole engagement thing for a long time, ever since you stopped coming over. I mean, I stopped coming over. I mean--you know what I mean."

"How could someone like you possibly be engaged to a sicko like HIM?" Naru continued her ranting, for a moment oblivious.

"Yeah, why didn't you visit me, huh?" said Motoko, punching Keitaro's shoulder jokingly. "All I got were phone calls now and then, telling me you were okay!"

"Well, it's sort of funny, but I didn't even know I was engaged until I was, um, sixteen."

"Hey!" called Naru. "Hey! Over here!"

"You mean they didn't tell you sooner?"

"Well, I think they didn't want to put any pressure on me. But what are you doing here at the inn? And where's Grandmother?"

"Inn? You mean they didn't tell you about this, either?"

"Huh?"

Naru's eye twitched. "Are you...ignoring me?"

"She turned this place into a girls dorm."

"A..." Keitaro's face paled. "...girls...dorm?"

Sensing a change back to the original subject, Naru struck like a rattlesnake. "That's right, this is a girls dorm! And we're not going to let a sicko like you stay another minute!"

"Hey, I'm not a sicko!" Keitaro yelled back. "And besides, you're the one who went and fondled me!"

"That's because I thought you were a girl!"

"Oh, come on. Your eyesight isn't that bad, is it--hm?" Keitaro felt a tap on his shoulder and turned to look at Motoko.

"Actually..." the black-haired girl whispered.

"Oh." Keitaro turned back towards Naru. "Er, I'm very sorry to hear that."

Naru, in view of very recent events, choose not to respond and instead simmered silently.
 

Terdwilicker

Well-Known Member
#10
Comedy timing of the dialogue maintains punchiness and bounce. Good energy. I'm digging this.
 

Prince Charon

Well-Known Member
#11
SMWhat said:
"Hey, I'm not a sicko!" Keitaro yelled back. "And besides, you're the one who went and fondled me!"

"That's because I thought you were a girl!"

"Oh, come on. Your eyesight isn't that bad, is it--hm?" Keitaro felt a tap on his shoulder and turned to look at Motoko.
:lol: :lol: :lol: Nice. My reply to that would have been a little different, though, something like "So, how often do you grope the other girls, and why are you calling me a pervert?"

Thank you for the update.

More soon, please.
 

GenocideHeart

Well-Known Member
#12
Heh, that line about the groping is very similar to the one I made up for my Keitaro-Juggernaut fic. :p
 

Moshulel

Well-Known Member
#13
GenocideHeart said:
Heh, that line about the groping is very similar to the one I made up for my Keitaro-Juggernaut fic. :p
:snigger:

We can blame Terdwilicker for this one... He's the one that opened the "Naru is a lesbian" can.

:snigger:

Third Time's The Charm
 

Terdwilicker

Well-Known Member
#14
I'd like to see an actual serious "Naru the Lesbian" story, actually. One where the girls systematically reject her advances, but try to maintain their friendship with her in spite of this. I think it should be written by a woman, however, rather than one of us men. Men don't get the female mindset enough to fake it convincingly.
 

cilrais

Well-Known Member
#15
Motoko attacking Naru every time she goes into the hot springs would be pretty amusing.
 

Terdwilicker

Well-Known Member
#16
Naru should end up sleeping with Motoko's lesbian fanclub, but finds them... uninteresting, thus her continued attempts to get Motoko into bed. Only when she meets up with Mutsumi does she find true love and acceptance....
 

EagleCeres

Well-Known Member
#17
gotta love those flash backs :snigger:
"I said, it's NOT A DRESS! It's a GI!"
"Ow, ow, ow! Stop--stop hitting me with that stick! Ow!"
"It's a BOKKEN!"
"Ow!"
they seem to be very friendly, at least Motoko seems to be willing to accept the fact that she's affianced to Kei... and they seem to make a cute couple :p

good job...
and may i say MOAR!!!
 

runestar

Well-Known Member
#18
I find it a tad odd why Keitaro is asking a girl why she is wearing a dress... :blink: And even odder still why Motoko reacted to adversely - she shouldn't act that way until around 14-15 years old, or perhaps she was a tomboy to start with? My memory of LH is quite sketchy... :(
 

SMWhat

Well-Known Member
#19
Me too, so I just tried to fake it, making her tomboyish to begin with. And he didn't ask why she was wearing a dress, he asked if he'd have to wear a dress like that--after all, in a...wherever he is, there's bound to be more than one person wearing that outfit, right?
 

Mighty Bob

Well-Known Member
#20
I see Motoko being Tomboyish from the start. She also takes her family Art very seriously. Between the two of those it doesn't strike me as that odd that she'd react so strongly to Keitaro calling her gi a 'dress'' Having worn one myself ( I used to take iado lessons, till the teacher moved to Hawaii) I could see how a hakima could be mistaken for a dress. Tucking the damn things outta the way when sitting/kneeling was a huge pain in the ass.

Anyways...

I loved the interaction between Motoko and Keitaro once they got over the surprise of seeing each other in the same place. Fairly friendly banter between the two; though it might be brought about by their mutual reluctance about the engagement rather than genuine friendship. And Lesbian!Naru is fun to see. Given the initial reactions at the start of the anime and manga it isn't that far fetched a situation. Heh, if Motoko truely is more forgiving/friendly towards Keitaro I could see Lesbo!Naru doing her damned best to bring her back to the fold :D

Anyways, exactly how much time did Motoko and Keitaro spend visiting each other, and why did one or the other stop? Mebbe I'm stupid (or tired...or drunk...or somethin or other) but I didn't get the exact reason why from the last snip.
 

SMWhat

Well-Known Member
#21
That's because I didn't give the reason :D

And no, Naru's not a lesbian. Get yer own fic, Terd. Stop hijacking mine D:
 

Mighty Bob

Well-Known Member
#23
Eh...right.

Lesbo!Naru idea was all Terds.

Yep

:ph43r:
 

Terdwilicker

Well-Known Member
#24
I think a lot of us would like to see a Lesbian Naru story. It would be a nice twist and explains her man-hating easily. Her life gets more complicated, however.
 
#25
Terdwilicker said:
I think a lot of us would like to see a Lesbian Naru story. It would be a nice twist and explains her man-hating easily.
I remember thebigW implied in Weapons of Mass Destruction that Naru was molested by her father. Wasn't this plot point also used somewhere else once? Can't remember.
 
Top